Good Tonic by Louise Roke
Good Tonic by Louise Roke
The BIggest Little Word
There’s a struggle that happens internally for a lot of people. It makes their temperatures increase and their anxiety heighten. . It is when they are asked a question; one that they already know the answer to but for some strange reason the answer that they want to say often comes out the opposite. Yes this is about the biggest little word - No.
I'm Louis Roke. Tune in weekly for a dose of your good tonic where people share their personal stories. I believe voicing not suppressing who you uniquely are is part of our human journey. If you would like to know more, will be a guest. Visit our website, good tonic.co.nz. I hope you subscribe to our podcast. Thanks for listening.
Speaker 2:It's one of those little things that mean so much. The other day I was speaking to a lovely hairdresser lady and she was telling me the story of how she was asked to babysit and she works very, very long hours and his sister was asking her to look after her child for the two days that she had off. So here she was working on her feet all day and sometimes till nine o'clock at night and then on a two days off she did. She wasn't able to do anything because she had to look after. Well, when I say have to look after, she felt like she had to look after her niece. Now, the reason she had to look after her niece was because her, her sister was actually going to work on those two days. So she really, really struggled with the fact that she really didn't want to do that. And it wasn't because she doesn't love her little niece who's just a baby, you know, she absolutely loves her very much and she loves her sister very much. The fact of the matter is, is that she didn't want to say no. Well that's a lie as well because she actually did want to say no, but she felt that if she did say no that you know, she'd be letting everybody down and she sort of forgot about her own. Um, safety. And um, when I say safety, I mean as far as welfare that she needs a break and she needs to have a life. So really the sister has a lot of alternatives that she could do, but instead the first place she went to was her sister and asked her and put her in a position that she had to make a decision whether or not she was going to give up her two days. The only two days she has off a week from the very, very busy, stressful and physical job. Not only that, but you know when you're a hairdresser you do talk a lot. So you really need those two days off and everybody needs time to actually go and smell the roses. So I said to her, well, why did you say, well, why didn't you say no? And she said, Oh, I don't know. I just find it so difficult to say no. And you know, then we had this whole conversation and I said her, look, I'm going to have to do a podcast about this because I know that it is a very, very difficult thing for a lot of people to do. And even though when they're asked the question, they do want to say no, what actually comes out of their mouth is something the opposite. So today I thought we'd just take the opportunity to talk about the, the biggest little word of no because it really is a life changer. Assertiveness is something that can take time to um, work out. And assertiveness certainly isn't aggressive. Assertiveness is just saying how you really feel and putting your opinions forward so that you can actually stand up for what you believe in or what you need. And it doesn't certainly mean that you're selfish. It means that you're not being walked over by a, like a doormat because people will say yes all the time. They get Nolan to be people who, you know, are easy to manipulate and nobody wants to be manipulated. So first of all, the advice that I gave her that I'm giving you is when you're actually asked a question to do something or, um, to commit to something or anything, actually that involves either a yes or no. The first thing you need to do is stop, pause, and then say to the person slowly and slow yourself down and say, ah, okay. What I'll do is I'll get back to you about that. I need to think about it. If they say to you, well, when are you going to tell me? You can say, I'll get back to you and I need to think about it. So basically you need to actually have time away from that person who's actually asked you that question before you give them the answer. So in other words, if the person puts a pressure on you to give them an answer, like in five minutes or you know, I'm going to hang around here for an hour or whatever, that's not the point. The point of the matter is that you need to actually be away from that person or that situation or both. And actually go away and take the night to think about that. Don't let people put you under pressure. If they say to you, well, I need to know in the hour say, Oh well I'm probably not the person that you'd need them because I need to think about it. You need to take back of you because in actual fact the person is asking you to do something now that involves probably you sacrificing something. Now let's face it. The main thing in life these days that is sacrificed is time because we are all busy and time is something that is worth a lot. So in this instance where this hairdresser had two days off a week, she had actually sacrificed her whole two days off to stay at home with a baby and not give her any time to actually enjoy herself. So she was very, very ended up very, very frustrated and very, very angry actually that she had agreed to the situation because this situation wasn't a one off. This situation was actually two months. So for two months every week when she had days off because she had said yes instead of what she really wanted to say. She had no life and she was stressed out of a brain because she had no real break. So when I say you have to look after your safety, that's what I'm talking about, the safety of you, of your welfare, of your stress levels of your anxiety levels and of your social and wellbeing. She could've turned around and said a number of things if you'd actually said, listen, um, I'll get back to you, I'll think about it and get back to you. She could have thought about a lot of different things. She could have brainstormed and thought, okay, well what I'll do is I, I do love my niece and I do love my sister and I do want to help them out. Um, maybe I could do this day in that day or maybe I could do half a day here or there or maybe I could ask her, well, look on this day and this day, if you get absolutely stuck, but I do want you to try to get a babysitter on those days. But if you absolutely stuck at, yes, I'll do it. But if you say yes to something, then you commit it. Because if you turn around and then say, Oh no, I can't do it. Well then that's going to be a whole nother kettle of fish because then you've opened up lots of different avenues where you're letting people down and then that goes into a hole, you know, something else because people have made arrangements and this, that and the other thing. So it doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't matter if it's something you want to go to or you don't want to go to or something that somebody wants you to do. And it's a really good, um, uh, practice to teach your teenagers, you know, your children, especially teenagers, because there's lots of times that peer pressure comes into those and it still comes into this when you're an adult. So take control back, slow down the process and say, I'll get back to you. I have to think about it that way. It also makes that person realize that you're not a pushover. You're not just going to say because somebody wants you to jump in a car and go on a joy ride or you know, to take the day of school to go down, look at some stupid thing. You know the whole peer pressure thing, you need to take control because at the end of the day, some of these people are just thinking about themselves. In fact, a lot of these people are thinking about themselves. They don't really care about you. All they care about is that their needs are getting met. So it was a person in this world. You really need to make sure that your needs are getting met in the best possible way. That doesn't mean you're going around being selfish and doing things you know detrimental by other people. It just means that you are putting yourself as a priority what is going to work for you and your life. And you know your life better than anyone else because you're living it. And if you don't know your life but in someone else will, you know there's a problem there. So the biggest little word that you need to learn how to use is no. When you do say no, you don't need to give an excuse. You can just say, Hey, listen, I've thought about it and I won't be able to do that. That good luck with that. And maybe next time, or I've thought about it and I don't want to go and do that. I've thought about it and no, it doesn't suit me. You don't need to say a big drama about, you know, this, that and the other thing. Well, you can simply just saying, uh, uh, I've thought about it and I'm, the answer is no. So anyway, change your subject and get on with something else as the person goes, well, why is that? Just say, Oh, just doesn't work him with me. It doesn't fit. Not right for me at this time. It's not good timing. You know, where you can just say, Oh, um, you know, just, it's just, no, there's time. So when people ask you a question, okay, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to go into an explanation, okay, this is your life and you deserve to enjoy it and family. And that can be a lot of pressures. And especially in some cultures, you know, they really put this guilt thing on you. But at the end of the day, you know, you've got to ask yourself to, well, what did they done to solve their own problem? So just remember, slow down the process. Think about, you know, if you do want to do this or you don't actually really want to do this, and that is where you, you know, you kick in your intuition. What is your intuition telling you? Is your intuition telling you, look, actually, this is a really bad idea. I don't want to go drinking with these people. What positives thing is it going to bring into your life? You know, doing what these personal, these people want you to do, whether it be babysitting, whether it be, um, you know, doing a job, whatever it is, helping someone out. I mean, if you don't actually want to do it and you don't feel good about doing it, well, why are you doing it? Why did you actually say yes? You're going to do something that you actually didn't want to do, and it's quite crazy. So look in the mirror and go,
Speaker 3:Oh,
Speaker 2:I'll get back to you. I'll think about it and get back to you.
Speaker 3:Or
Speaker 2:you can start practicing straight out and saying, Oh no, that doesn't work for me. Thanks. Sorry about that. No, I can't make that work. Or no, not this time. So look in the mirror and start saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Till next time, thanks.
Speaker 1:I'm Louis Roke. Tune in weekly for a dose of your good tonic by subscribing to our podcast. For more information, visit good tonic.co. Dot. INSEAD. Thanks for listening.