Is It Too Late to Start Over After 40?

What’s Your Ex? Tell me here.

At 46, I found myself asking a question I thought I was done asking:

Am I too late to start over?

In this episode, I’m talking about becoming a beginner again in midlife, the trap of wishing you had started sooner, and why your experience still comes with you.

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Transcript

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Speaker 0:07

At 46, I found myself asking a question I honestly thought I was done asking. What am I going to do with my life now? Not at 22, not fresh out of school. Not before I had built a career, earned an MBA, started a business, paid bills, taken care of people, and accumulated decades of life experience. At 46. And there was another question underneath that one that was harder to admit. Am I too late? Too late to build something completely different. Too late to become a beginner again. Too late to write the book. Too late to grow a YouTube channel. Too late to create a new kind of income. Too late to find out what else I'm capable of. Because starting over sounds exciting until you realize you're the one who has to do the starting. And that's what I want to talk

INTRO

Speaker 1:03

about today. Welcome to the What's Your Ex? podcast. I'm your host, Marilie, and I'm so glad you're here. This is the show about who we used to be and how it was all preparation for who we are becoming. This is episode 6. And today we're talking about a question I think a lot of women ask themselves privately. Is it too late to start over after 40? Maybe you wouldn't even use the words start over. Maybe you're thinking about changing careers, starting a business, going back to work, finally writing something, learning something new, trying something you've secretly wanted to try for years. Or maybe life changed and now you're standing somewhere you never expected to be. Whatever brought you here, the question can sound remarkably similar. Am I really going to begin again at this age? I know that question because I'm living

I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT THIS PART OF MY LIFE WOULD LOOK LIKE

Speaker 2:05

it. There's something strange about reaching your forties. You've lived long enough to have a history. You have chapters, you have stories, you have people who have known you as different versions of yourself. And somewhere along the way, you also start making assumptions about the future. You think this is probably what I'll be doing. This is probably how I'll make money. This is probably the life I'll continue building. I had one of those pictures in my head. I had built a business I thought I would retire from. I knew the work. I knew how the business operated. I knew how to make money in that world. There was a familiarity to it. And then I reached a point where that chapter was over. I've talked about the pivot in earlier episodes, so I'm not going to repeat that entire story today. But what matters for this conversation is what happened after work. Because suddenly I was looking at the next part of my life very differently. At 46, I wasn't trying to decide whether I wanted another version of the same thing. I knew I didn't. I wanted to write, I wanted to create, I wanted meaningful conversations. I wanted to build something online. I wanted to explore different ways of creating income. I wanted to see what else I could become. Those things were actually pretty clear to me. What wasn't clear was exactly how all of it was going to fit together. And that distinction matters. Because sometimes we say, I don't know what I want. When what we really mean is, I know what I want more, I just don't know how exactly what it becomes yet. That was me. And in the middle of all of that possibility, age became impossible to ignore. 46. You start doing math you probably didn't do when you were younger. If this takes five years, I'll be fifty-one. If it takes ten years, I'll be fifty-six. If I write the book now, if I build the channel now, if I start learning this now, how long will it take? And that's when the thought sneaks in. Maybe I should have done

I HAVE STARTED OVER BEFORE

Speaker 4:27

this sooner. The funny thing is, when I really look at my own life, starting over isn't exactly new to me. I grew up in the Philippines with very little. My life today looks nothing like the life I could see around me when I was a child. I eventually came to the United States. That was a beginning. I worked, I built a life here. Another beginning. I went back to school and earned my MBA. Another beginning. I worked in different industries. I built a business. There have been several versions of my working life already. And I think sometimes we forget that. We look at the chapter we're in now and treat it as like the only identity we've ever had. But most of us have already reinvented ourselves several times. We just didn't always call it reinvention. Sometimes we called it growing up, moving, getting married, getting divorced, having children, going back to work, changing jobs, going back to school, taking care of someone, surviving something. Life has probably already required you to become somebody you had never been before. You learned a role because you had to. And now here you are. So maybe the question isn't can I start over? You probably already have. Maybe the question is am I willing to do it again? This time on purpose. That feels

WHAT MAKES STARTING OVER AFTER 40 DIFFERENT

Speaker 6:03

different. I'm not going to pretend starting something new at forty six feels exactly like starting something new at twenty-three. It doesn't. At twenty-three, you expect uncertainty. People practically give you permission to be confused. What are you doing with your life? I don't know yet. Perfectly acceptable answer. At forty six, there's this invisible expectation that you're supposed to know. You should have the career. You should know how you're going to retire. You should have the financial plan. You should know who you are. You should be established. And when you suddenly become a beginner again, it can feel like you somehow went backward. I felt that. I know what it feels like to be experienced in a business. Then suddenly I'm learning podcasting. I'm learning YouTube. I'm learning publishing. I'm learning more about digital products. I'm learning new technology. I'm learning how AI can fit into what I'm building. I'm learning what kind of content I want to make. I'm learning how all these pieces might eventually create income. And there are moments when I think, wow, I have a lot to learn. But you know what I've stopped saying? I'm starting from nothing. Because I'm not. And neither are

NEW DOESN'T MEAN ZERO

Speaker 7:29

you. This is something we talk about earlier in the show and it keeps becoming more real to me. You can be new at something without being new to life. There is a huge difference. I might be relatively new to podcasting, but I'm not new to communication. I might be new to building this particular online business, but I'm not new to business. I might be learning new technology, but I'm not learning how to solve problems for the first time. I have years behind me working, selling, communicating, managing responsibilities, building relationships, making mistakes, recovering from mistakes, learning people, figuring things out, being a breadwinner, being a caregiver, showing up even when life was hard. None of that disappears because I opened a blank document and decided to write a book. None of it disappears because I turned on a microphone. None of it disappears because I opened a YouTube channel and suddenly became a beginner in a different room. I carry it with me. And you carry your years with you too. That is one of the biggest things I want women over forty to understand. Being a beginner is not the same as being inexperienced. You can be both. A beginner at the new thing and deeply experienced as a human being. That combination may actually be one of your biggest

THE 'I SHOULD HAVE STARTED SOONER' TRAP

Speaker 8:58

advantages. Now let's talk about the thought that can ruin all of this. I should have started sooner. I know that thought. Maybe you do too. I should have written sooner. I should have started creating sooner. I should have learned this sooner. I should have changed careers sooner. I should have saved more. I should have invested earlier. I should have done this when I was thirty. Okay, maybe. Maybe there are things I would do differently if I could rewind the clock. But I can't. Neither can you. And eventually I should have started sooner becomes one of those sentences that sounds intelligent, but accomplishes absolutely nothing. Because the only date you can actually start from is today. I can sit here at forty six and spend the next ten years regretting what I didn't start at 36. And then I'll be 56, wishing I had started at 46. That one gets me. Because I can picture that woman, 56 year old me, looking backward and saying, Marilee, you were so young. Why didn't you just start? Isn't that funny? Right now, we can feel old looking backward. But 10 years from now, we'll look at the age we are today and think we were young. So maybe we should borrow a little wisdom from our future selves. You're going to get older either way. That part is happening. The question is, what do you want to have done while the others

WHAT I'M DOING INSTEAD OF WAITING

Speaker 10:38

were passing? For me, the answer has been to start creating contact with the things I say I want. I talk about this in the last episode. You don't always think your way into clarity. Sometimes you move into it. This podcast is part of that. I could have spent another year thinking. Would I like podcasting? Should I start one? What would I talk about? Would anyone listen? Instead, I started. And now, I know things I couldn't have done before I recorded. I started writing the book, that gives me information. I started creating on YouTube, that gives me information. I started thinking seriously about digital products and building income differently. That gives me information. None of those things require me to know exactly what everything becomes five years from now. I just need to keep meeting the next opportunity. And that is a completely different way of starting over. I'm not throwing my past away and announcing, here is the new Marile. I'm taking what I already have and letting it meet new things. That is the entire idea behind what's your ex. Your ex plus a new opportunity becomes something you couldn't necessarily see while you were still living inside the old chapter. And maybe age helps with that. Because at 46, I have more dots

WHAT IF YOUR AGE ISN'T ONLY THE PROBLEM?

Speaker 12:08

to connect. We talk about age almost entirely as a disadvantage, especially for women. We talk about what gets harder, what changes, what becomes less available, what we supposedly should have accomplished already. But what if we look at the other side of the ledger? What do you have at 45 that you didn't have at 25? You probably know yourself better. You've had relationships, you've dealt with difficult people, you've handled money, maybe badly sometimes. So have I. You've learned, you've failed at things, you've survived things. You've discovered strengths because life gave you no alternative but to use them. You know what you value. And perhaps, more importantly, you have a better sense of what you no longer value. That matters. There are things I was willing to build my life around years ago that I would not build my life around now. My definition of success has changed. I still want to make money. Absolutely. I'm not going to sit here and pretend income doesn't matter. It matters a lot. But I also care deeply about how I make it. I care about my time, my health, flexibility, creativity, the ability to work in ways that feel more aligned with the life I actually want. That clarity came from living. You cannot download that. You earn it, sometimes the hard way. So when you're looking at your age and seeing only a number working against you, ask, what has this age given me? Because it gave you

AT 46, I THINK ABOUT TIME DIFFERENTLY

Speaker 13:54

something. But at 46, I've been thinking differently about time. I've already lived 46 years. And if I'm fortunate, I may have about that many or fewer ahead of me. That realization changes things. I want to spend this next chapter doing more of the things that matter deeply to me. I want to create, I want to write, I want to have meaningful conversations. I want to explore what else I'm capable of becoming. I don't say that to be depressing. For me, it's actually clarifying. Because when you're younger, someday can feel endless. Someday I'll write. Someday I'll travel. Someday I'll start that business. Someday I'll take care of myself. Someday I'll do the thing I keep thinking about. At some point, you realize there are only so many somedays. And suddenly, the question isn't, am I too old? It becomes, do I want to spend another decade waiting? For me, the answer is no. I've waited

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BLOW UP YOUR LIFE

Speaker 14:57

enough. Now let me make something very clear. Starting over after 40 does not mean you need to quit your job tomorrow. I'm not giving you that advice. I don't believe every pivot needs a dramatic announcement. Sometimes the smartest pivot is almost invisible in the beginning. You keep the job and you start writing at night. You keep the income and you learn the new skill. You test the business idea before you depend on it. You have conversations, you research, you save, you build your bridge, you create something small and see if anyone wants it. You start the channel before you know whether it becomes anything. You send the application, you take the course, you make contact with the possibility. That is still starting. I think social media has trained us to believe change only counts if it's dramatic. I quit everything, I sold everything, I moved across the country. I started over with $12. Okay, those make good stories. But real reinvention can be much quieter. Sometimes it looks like a woman sitting alone one evening deciding, I'm going to give myself one hour a day to build something that belongs to my future. Nobody applauds, nobody even knows, but five years later, that hour may have changed her life. Don't underestimate quiet beginnings.

THE THING THAT SCARES ME MORE THAN STARTING LATE

Speaker 16:24

You know what scares me more than starting something at 46? Getting to 56 and realizing I spent those ten years wishing I had. That scares me. Because I know how easy it is to wait. You can always find a reason. I need more confidence, I need more money, I need more information, I need somebody to approve, I need a perfect plan, I need to know it will work. If that's a requirement, you may never move. I don't know if everything I'm building right now will work exactly the way I hope. I can say that openly. The podcast is new, the YouTube channel is new, the book isn't published yet. I'm still building the income side of this. There is no giant success story I can point it to and say, see, I knew exactly what I was doing. I don't. That's part of why I want to talk about this while I'm inside it. Because maybe you don't need another person telling you how brave she was 10 years ago after everything already worked out. Maybe you need someone saying, I'm scared too, I'm uncertain too, and I'm starting anyway. That feels more

DON'T CONFUSE UNCERTAINTY WITH A WRONG DECISION

Speaker 17:40

useful to me. This is another lesson I'm learning. When you begin something new, uncertainty can feel like evidence. You think, I feel unsure, therefore this must be wrong. I feel uncomfortable, therefore maybe I shouldn't be doing this. I don't know exactly how it works, therefore maybe I'm too old. No. Sometimes uncertainty simply means you're doing something you haven't done before. Of course you're uncertain. If you already knew exactly how the entire thing worked, it wouldn't be new. So instead of asking, why don't I feel confident yet? Try asking, what information would help me take the next step? That's much more useful. Maybe you need to talk to someone. Maybe you need to try something. Maybe you need a little training. Maybe you need to know your financial numbers. Maybe you need to create the first version instead of thinking about the perfect version. Confidence often comes after evidence. You do something, you survive it, you learn. Then confidence grows. Waiting to feel confident before you begin is asking yourself to receive the result before doing the work that

SO... IS IT TOO LATE?

Speaker 18:59

creates it. Let's answer the actual question. Is it too late to start over after forty? I can't tell you that every dream is available at every age. That would be silly. Life has realities. Bodies have realities. Careers have realities. Money has realities. Time itself is a reality. But I do not believe turning forty means the door to becoming someone new suddenly closes. I certainly don't believe it at forty six. If anything, I'm beginning to wonder whether some opportunities only become visible because we've lived long enough to recognize them. Maybe the book you're supposed to write at fifty is the book you could not have written at twenty-five. Maybe the business you build at forty five works because you spent twenty years understanding a problem. Maybe the work that finally fits you at fifty two fits because you spent years learning what doesn't. Maybe the relationship you have with yourself at sixty is stronger because you finally stopped living according to everybody else's expectations. Age isn't only what you've lost, it's what you've accumulated. And I think we

YOUR TURN

Speaker 20:15

forget that. So here's what I want you to do this week. Not ten things, three. And I'm putting this into the free one page action plan for this episode so you don't have to remember all of them. The link will be in the show notes. First, name the thing you think you're too late for. Be honest. I think I'm too old to fill in the blank. Change careers, write, start a business, go back to work, build something online, learn technology, date again, move, create, whatever yours is, write it down. Second, ask If I wait another five years, how will I feel about not starting today? Don't ask whether you'll succeed. That's not the question. Ask how you'll feel if you never give yourself the chance to find out. And third, choose one small beginning, not the whole reinvention. One beginning, one application, one page, one video, one conversation, one hour of research, one class, one email, one thing that turns someday into something you actually touch this week. That's enough. Because starting over does not happen in one dramatic moment. It happens in decisions. And then another decision. And then another.

THE TAKEAWAY

Speaker 21:45

If you take one thing from today, let it be this. You're going to get older whether you start or not. So stop asking whether you should have started sooner. You probably should have. I probably should have too. Fine. We can't change that. The question is what we do with today. At 46, I am starting things I have never done before. I'm writing my first book. I'm building this podcast. I'm creating YouTube. I'm exploring new ways to turn experience into income. I'm learning, I'm experimenting. Some days I feel confident. Some days I don't. But I'm moving. And maybe years from now I look back at this exact season and realize this was the beginning. I hope you can say the same about yours.

OUTRO

Speaker 22:40

That's what I've got for you this week, and I'm really glad you spent this time with me. So what's your ex? And maybe the better question this week is, what have you been telling yourself you're too late to begin? I made a free one-page action plan for today's episode. It's waiting for you in the show notes with the three questions we just talked through so you can actually sit down and work through them. Go grab it and give yourself a few quiet minutes with it this week. If this episode made you think of someone who keeps telling herself she's too old or too late to start something new, share it with her. And be sure to follow the show so you don't miss the next conversation. I'm your host, Marilie. Thank you for being here, and I'll see you next time.