Why Friendships Change After 40?

What’s Your Ex? Tell me here.

Why Friendships Change After 40 — and how to know if one deserves a second chance.

You didn't fight. Nobody betrayed anybody. You just… drifted — and never figured out when. In this episode, Marilie talks about why friendships fade in midlife, why making and keeping friends after 40 feels harder than it used to, and how to tell whether a friendship should be accepted, revived, or simply remembered with love. Plus what the research says (it's not just you), and three small things to try this week: Reach, Notice, Make room.

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What's Your EX? — the show about who we used to be, and how it was all preparation for who we're becoming. New episodes weekly.

Transcript

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Speaker 0:08

There's someone who used to know everything about your life. And now they know what you post. You didn't have a fight. Nobody betrayed anybody. Nothing dramatic happened at all. You just drifted. And you never figured out when. You just thought of them, didn't you? That one person who used to know what was happening at your job, who you were dating, what you were scared of that week. And now, maybe you send a happy birthday message once a year. Every so often, one of you says, We really need to get together. And you both mean it. Somehow, you still don't. That's what we're talking about today. Friendships after 40. Why they change, why some quietly fade, and why making and keeping friends can suddenly feel harder than it used to. And maybe by the end, you'll know whether one friendship in your own life needs to be accepted, revived, or simply remembered with

INTRO

Speaker 1:07

love. Welcome to the What's Your Ex? podcast. I'm your host, Marilie, and I'm so glad you're here. This is the show about who we used to be and how it was all preparation for who we are becoming. This is episode 8, and today we're talking about friendships after 40, why they change, why some fade, and why keeping connection can get harder even with people you were sure would be in your life forever. Because sometimes a friendship ends in an obvious way. There's a blowup, a betrayal, a clear before and after. But honestly, I think those are the easy ones to understand. The harder ones, the ones that really ache, are the friendships that never officially ended at all. They just got smaller and smaller. Until one day, you realize the person who used to be part of your everyday life had quietly become someone you occasionally hear from. And maybe nobody did anything wrong. So let's talk about it.

WHEN FRIENDSHIP USED TO BE AUTOMATIC

Speaker 2:09

Here's the first thing I want to say because I think it takes a lot of the guilt of all of us. When we were younger, friendship had a lot of help. Think about it. School put us in the same building every single day. College put us in the same classes, the same dorms. Those early jobs sat us next to the same people five days a week. And if you have kids, your kids were the same age as somebody else's, so you were always at the same practices, the same school events, the same birthday parties. Friendship was just built into the structure of our lives. You didn't have to schedule it three weeks out. You didn't have to coordinate calendars like you're planning a summit. You were simply around each other. And being around each other, that's where friendship actually happens. You talk while you're walking somewhere. You grab lunch because you're both already there. Something happens in your life and that person hears about it five minutes later instead of three months later. But then, somewhere in adulthood, quietly, all of the structures start to disappear. People move, jobs change, kids grow up, schedules shift, somebody becomes a caregiver, somebody starts a business, somebody gets divorced, somebody gets remarried, somebody becomes an empty nester, somebody gets completely swallowed by work. And all of a sudden, the friendship has to survive without the thing that used to keep bringing you together. And that's the part I really want you to hear. A lot of the time, the friendship didn't fall apart. The structure fell away. The thing that kept putting you in each other's path just disappeared. And once it's gone, the friendship suddenly has to stand on its own two feet when it never had to before.

RESEARCH MOMENT — IT'S NOT JUST YOU

Speaker 3:55

And if you're there thinking, is it just me? It's not. Researchers have actually watched this happen across whole lifetimes. There's a big study, a meta-analysis by Cornelia Wrzus and her colleagues that pulled together 277 studies, more than 177,000 people. And what they found was that our social networks change substantially as we move through life, and that big life events shift both the size and the makeup of who's around us. So if your circle looks completely different now than it did 15 years ago, that is not a sign that you failed at friendship. It's one of the most normal, well-documented things about being a human being who's still alive and still changing. Life change. And when life changes, the people around us usually change too. I found that weirdly comforting because so many of us are quietly carrying this feeling that we did something wrong, and a whole mountain of research is basically saying, no, this is just what happens.

WHEN YOUR LIVES STOP MATCHING

Speaker 5:01

Now, here's the part of midlife friendship I don't think we talk about enough. Sometimes two people who were once living really similar lives start living really different ones. And when your lives match, connection was easy. You understood each other's schedules without explaining. You understood each other's problems because they were basically your problems too. You were worried about the same kinds of things at the same time. But then life starts moving you in different directions. One of you has more freedom, the other has more responsibility. One is rebuilding from something, the other feels settled. One wants to go out, the other one wants to be home. One is pouring everything into a brand new thing the other person can't quite see. And none of that makes either of you wrong. But here's the shift. Friendship starts to require more curiosity when your lives stop looking alike. When your lives match, understanding kind of happens automatically. When they don't, you have to ask more questions. You have to care about a life you're not personally living. You have to stay genuinely interested in what matters to someone even when it isn't happening to you. And not every friendship makes that jump. Some friendships were built on being similar. Others are strong enough to survive being different. And those, it turns out, are not always the same friendship.

SOMETIMES THE BIGGEST THING THAT CHANGED IS YOU

Speaker 6:27

But sometimes the biggest change isn't your circumstances at all. It's you. Maybe you got more comfortable saying no. Maybe you stopped explaining yourself so much. Maybe you just didn't want to be the person who fixes everything anymore. Maybe you got more protective of your time because you finally understood how little of it there is. And maybe, be honest, the version of you who kept that friendship alive was always the one reaching out, always organizing, always listening, always accommodating, always the one making sure everybody stayed connected. And then one day you stopped. Not as a test, not because you were angry, you were just tired. Or you just noticed you didn't want to carry every single relationship all by yourself anymore. And then something happens that can really catch you off guard. It gets quiet. And that can hurt. Because sometimes when you stop playing your role in a relationship, you find out just how much that role was the thing holding the whole relationship together. And I'm not saying that from the outside. I know that from my own

HOW I KNOW

Speaker 7:38

life. I want to tell you where this lives for me. You've heard me talk about my life on this show. I left my island, left home, and eventually built a whole life here in the US. And for more than 20 years, I've been the breadwinner for my family. For over 10 of those years, I was also a caregiver to a loved one. That was my life, providing and caring for people and just keeping everything standing. And here's what nobody tells you about a life like that. When you are the only one holding everything up, there is not a lot left over, not a lot of time, not a lot of energy, not a lot of you at the end of the day. And friendships were often the thing that quietly went, not because I stopped caring about people. I never stopped caring. But when you're working and providing and caregiving and just trying to make it through the week, the friend you keep meaning to call becomes the friend you call next month, and then next month becomes you're not really sure when. There are people who knew me before all of this. People who knew me way back, who knew the girl who left the island scared out of her mind. And somewhere in the last 20 years of me holding everything together, I looked up and realized I didn't really know their lives anymore, and they didn't really know mine. And for a long time, I told myself the story a lot of us tell. That maybe they let it fade. That maybe they didn't reach out either. And that's partly true, I guess. But if I'm really honest, I was the one who got swallowed by a hard, full, all-consuming life. And some friendships just couldn't survive how little I had left to give them. And I've had to make a kind of peace with that, a gentle one. Because those friendships were real when they were happening. The years were real, the love was real, and me not being able to hold on to all of them while I carried everything else, that doesn't erase any of it. So when I tell you that sometimes the friendship fades because you change or because your life got heavy, I'm not judging you from some tidy place where I did it all perfectly. I'm right here in it with you. I lost touch with people I loved because I was busy surviving. And I think a lot of you know exactly what that feels like. Here's a question I've

DO YOU MISS THE PERSON — OR THE CHAPTER?

Speaker 9:59

been sitting with, and I want you to actually try it with me. When you miss an old friendship, do you miss the person or do you miss the chapter of your life that person represents? Because those two things can feel almost identical, and they're really not. Maybe that friend reminds you of a younger version of yourself. Maybe you went through something huge together. Maybe you raised your kids side by side. Maybe she knew your parents. Maybe she knew you before, before your life became whatever it is now. And there is something genuinely powerful about being around someone who remembers versions of you that the newer people in your life never met. They know the backstory. You don't have to explain everything from scratch. And losing touch with a person like that, sometimes it feels like losing access to a piece of your own history. But here's the hard, honest distinction. Missing the history doesn't always mean the friendship still fits your life today. And that's a tough one to sit with because you can treasure everything a friendship was without pretending it's still what it used to be. Both of those can be true at the same time. And I think

FRIENDSHIP GRIEF IS REAL — AND HARD TO NAME

Speaker 11:11

one of the reasons a fading friendship can hurt so much is that there's often no clear way to even grieve it. Think about it. If someone dies, people understand your grief. There's a name for it. There are rituals, people show up with food. If a marriage ends, people understand that something major just happened. But what do you call it when your best friend of 20 years slowly becomes someone you don't really know anymore? There's no final conversation, no official ending, no single moment you can point to and say, there, that's when it ended. You might still care about each other, you might still love each other, you might still have a hundred wonderful memories, but the relationship, the living thing it used to be, that just isn't there in the same way anymore. And I think we make it even harder on ourselves when we start trying to assign blame. Whose fault was it? Who stopped trying first? And so often, the honest answer is nobody. Sometimes two people just grow in different directions. And that doesn't erase a single one of the years when the friendship was real and good and exactly what you both needed.

BEFORE YOU DECIDE IT'S OVER — CHECK THE FACTS

Speaker 12:23

Now, I don't want us to swing too far the other way either. I don't want to make letting people go sound noble and easy. Because sometimes we give up way too fast. Because sometimes we decide a friendship is over when the truth is you're both just busy. Sometimes you're sitting there waiting for her to reach out while she is sitting somewhere across town wondering why you haven't reached out. Sometimes pride sneaks in. Sometimes we build an entire story in our heads, a whole case for why it's done, without ever having one honest conversation. So before you decide somebody no longer belongs in your life, maybe just reach out once. Not ten times, not chasing, just once. Hey, I've been thinking about you. I miss talking to you. Any chance you want to grab lunch? Give the friendship somewhere to go. And then pay attention to what happens next. Not just what she says. Look at the pattern. Is there still care here? Is there effort coming from both sides? Is there real interest in who you both are now, not just who you used to be? Because history matters. It really does. But history all by itself can't keep a relationship alive. But

RESEARCH MOMENT — YOUR CIRCLE GETTING SMALLER ISN'T A FAILURE

Speaker 13:38

here's the important part. Most of that, as people move through adulthood, our social circles often get more selective. There's a long-term study by Tammy English and Laura Carstensen that found our networks tend to narrow as we get older. But here's the important part. Most of that shrinking happened out at the edges, the peripheral relationships. The close, core relationships stayed pretty stable. I think that's beautiful, actually. Because we look at a smaller circle and we panic. Something's wrong with me. I used to know so many people. I used to go out more. I used to have more friends. But quantity and connection are not the same thing. You can know 50 people and still feel completely alone. And you can have three people you could call at 2 a.m. when your life is falling apart and feel deeply, genuinely held. So I really don't think the goal after 40 is to have some huge, sprawling circle. The goal is to notice whether the relationships you do have feel mutual and alive and real. Okay,

BUT DON'T USE "SMALLER CIRCLE" TO HIDE FROM LONELINESS

Speaker 14:44

but I have to say the other side of this too, because it matters. I don't want us to take my circle is just smaller now and quietly use it as a way to avoid admitting that we're actually lonely. Because those are two different things. There's a peaceful smaller circle and there's isolation, and in your gut, you know which one you're living in. If your circle is smaller and you feel connected, supported, content, beautiful, that's a full life. But if you keep quietly wishing somebody would call, if you've got things you're dying to share and nobody comes to mind, if you keep telling yourself I'm fine on my own, while something underneath it aches a little, then maybe the answer isn't just to accept that friendships change. Maybe it's that it's time to make room for some new ones. And I know that's hard. Because making friends after 40 can feel strangely awkward, right? We think friendship is supposed to just happen. But remember what we said earlier. When we were young, friendship had structure. So making new friends now might just mean we have to build a little of that structure and purpose. And this is where one

RESEARCH MOMENT — HOW YOU ACTUALLY MAKE FRIENDS NOW

Speaker 15:58

more piece of research actually becomes really useful, almost like a set of instructions. A researcher named Jeffrey Hall studied how the time you spend with someone relates to how close you become. And across his studies, he found something pretty simple. More time together, especially leisure time, relaxed, enjoyable time, was linked to closer friendships. Which sounds obvious, but sit with what it actually means. Friendship usually needs more than meeting someone once and saying, we should get together sometime. It needs repetition. You have to keep seeing each other. And that is why recurring places are so powerful. A class, a volunteer group, a walking group, a regular community event, a hobby you actually enjoy. Somewhere you're likely to see the same people again and again. Because here's the truth. Most friendships don't start with some magical lightning bolt moment where you just know. Usually it's way less dramatic than that. You talk once, then again, then maybe you end up sitting together. Then one day somebody goes, Hey, you want to grab lunch? And eventually you're texting each other about something that has nothing to do with where you met. But somebody has to go first. And that's the uncomfortable part, isn't it? Because I think sometimes

SOMEBODY HAS TO GO FIRST

Speaker 17:21

we want the friendship and we want total protection from any chance of rejection. We want her to invite us, her to text first, her to say, let's get together, somebody else to take the risk, but somebody has to. And sometimes that somebody is going to be you. And that doesn't mean chasing people. It doesn't mean trying to convince anyone to like you. It just means giving connection a chance to happen. I really enjoyed talking with you. Want to grab lunch sometime? That's the whole thing. Maybe she says yes. Maybe nothing comes of it. Maybe you meet up and realize you don't have that much in common. And that's completely fine too. We're not auditioning every single person we meet for the role of best friend. We're just staying open. And while

FRIENDSHIP SHOULDN'T FEEL LIKE A PERMANENT AUDITION

Speaker 18:09

we're talking about staying open, I want to say something about the friendships you already have too. At this point in life, I really don't think a healthy friendship should feel like a permanent audition. You shouldn't constantly have to prove you're interesting enough, successful enough, available enough, agreeable enough, useful enough. You shouldn't have to edit yourself every time you walk into the room because you're scared that being honest might cost you your spot. That's not connection. That's performance. And maybe we put up with more of that when we were younger because belonging felt like the most important thing in the world. But there is something really powerful that happens when you reach a point where your peace becomes more valuable than your access. Access to the group, access to the invitation, access to the person. You're allowed to care about someone and still recognize that the relationship just doesn't feel healthy for you anymore. Both of those can be true. And sometimes after all of this,

WHEN AN OLD FRIENDSHIP REALLY IS OVER

Speaker 19:11

after the reaching out and the honest looking, you realize it really is over. Maybe you tried. Maybe you reach out and reach out and it stayed completely one-sided. Maybe you're just genuinely different people now. And if that's the truth, I don't think you have to rewrite the entire history to justify letting it go. You don't have to decide she was secretly a terrible friend the whole time. You don't have to convince yourself none of it ever mattered. It mattered then, and that can be enough. A friendship does not have to last forever to have been real. Some people were exactly who you needed for one particular chapter of your life. You laughed together, you carried each other through something hard, you shared years, and none of that gets erased just because your lives eventually turned in different directions. And maybe that's one of the hardest, truest lessons of getting older. Learning that something can be deeply meaningful without being permanent. So

THE WHAT'S YOUR EX? QUESTION

Speaker 20:13

here's the what's your ex question for this week. Which friendships belong in the life you're living now? Not the life you were living 10 years ago, not the person you used to be, your life now. Who do you feel safe calling? Who are you genuinely actually interested in? Who's interested in you? Who do you want to know better? And is there one old friendship you've been quietly thinking about this whole episode that maybe deserves one honest attempt before you decide it's gone? You don't need 50 people. I really believe that. But I also believe we all need connection. And sometimes building the relationships we want in this chapter means we have to stop waiting for friendship to just happen to us. So let's

YOUR TURN — THIS WEEK'S ACTION PLAN

Speaker 20:58

make this real. Three things this week, and they're small, I promise. One, reach. Think of one person you've been meaning to contact, an old friend or someone you recently met and genuinely liked. And just send a message. Don't spend three days drafting it and rereading it. Don't wait for the perfect words. Just reach. Two, notice. Look at the friendships already in your life. Maybe which ones feel mutual? Which ones feel alive? Which ones leave you feeling more like yourself? And which ones are you keeping going almost entirely out of history? You don't have to make any big dramatic decisions here. Just notice. Just start paying attention to where your energy goes and how you feel when you walk away. 3. Make room. If you want more connection in your life, ask yourself honestly, where could a friendship actually grow? Not in theory, literally. Where could you regularly be around people you might enjoy knowing? Pick one place or activity or recurring thing where you could create a little more opportunity for connection, just one. That's it. Reach, notice, make room.

THE TAKEAWAY

Speaker 22:15

So if you take one thing out of our time together today, let it be this. If your friendships look different today than they did 10 or 20 years ago, that does not mean you failed at friendship. Life changed. People change. You change. Some friendships deepened. Some became occasional. Some faded quietly. And some of the best ones haven't even walked into your life yet. The goal was never to keep every single person forever. The goal is to stay open enough to treasure the people who were part of the earlier chapters while still making room for the people who belong in this one. Because a smaller circle can still be a very, very full life. And one old friendship fading does not mean you'll never feel that kind of connection again. There are still people out there you haven't even met yet. That's

OUTRO

Speaker 23:06

what I've got for you this week. And I'm really glad you spent this time with me. So what's your ex? And maybe the better question this week is: who did you drift away from without ever meaning to? And do they deserve one honest message before you decide it's gone? I made you a one-free action plan for today's episode. It's waiting for you in the show notes with the three things we just talked through. So you can actually sit down and work through them. Go grab it and give yourself a few quiet minutes with it this week. If this episode made you think of someone who's been quietly slipping out of your life, share it with her. Maybe that's your sign to send the message you've been putting off. Be sure to follow the show so you don't miss the next conversation. And if this one resonated, I've got another conversation waiting for you. I'm your host, Marilie. Thank you for being here, and I'll see you next time.