WEBVTT 00:00:12.320 --> 00:00:14.800 This has gotta make it into some looper of some sort. 00:00:15.359 --> 00:00:15.679 Okay. 00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:19.679 Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Raising Kids Who Follow Jesus. 00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:20.960 I'm Justin, I'm here with Madison. 00:00:21.199 --> 00:00:21.519 Hello. 00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:25.199 And we are talking about friendship dynamics today. 00:00:25.600 --> 00:00:31.839 So I was thinking through all the different friendship dynamics that I've just watched my kids go through over the years, right? 00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:37.280 And one of those is having lifelong friends because we've been here at this church the whole time that they've been alive. 00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:39.119 So they've got friends that just have always been here. 00:00:39.439 --> 00:00:40.000 The church friends. 00:00:40.240 --> 00:00:40.880 The church friends. 00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:44.799 One of those dynamics has been uh friends who come and go. 00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:52.560 Like they've had friends they were really close to, and then those friends move or or change, and there's the challenges of like loss. 00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:54.880 We've changed schools a couple times. 00:00:55.119 --> 00:00:59.119 Um so mainly my oldest, uh, he's changed schools twice. 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:04.159 Once was a move, the other we we switched him to a private school because he had a really bad experience at the school he was at. 00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:07.519 Um and it all of it had to deal with like friendship dynamics. 00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:16.560 Um and so like kids that are, you know, from your kids' perspective, they're they're jerks and they're this and they're that. 00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:18.079 And what do you how do you deal with that? 00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:27.120 And how do you like I was just thinking, or or now it's like as a parent that's this age, you start to know kids a little bit and you want your kids to be friends with certain kids. 00:01:27.359 --> 00:01:27.439 Sure. 00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:30.640 And there's other kids that if you're just gonna be honest, you don't want them to be friends with. 00:01:30.959 --> 00:01:35.120 And so when you see like you're trying to kind of play matchmaker with friends, right? 00:01:35.280 --> 00:01:38.079 And maybe if they're starting to hang out with someone you're like, I don't like that kid. 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:44.239 And you're like, hey, no, um, what if you know you try to figure out how to can I choose my friends, my child's friends for them? 00:01:44.319 --> 00:01:50.799 There's so many dynamics because friends are one of the most central parts of childhood development. 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:57.120 You you will very often talk like your friends, think like your friends, uh look at life through the same lens as your friends. 00:01:57.439 --> 00:01:58.319 Yeah, and I've I've got a verse. 00:01:58.560 --> 00:01:59.040 What's your verse? 00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:01.120 First Corinthians 15, 13. 00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:02.400 Don't be misled. 00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:05.280 Bad company uh corrupts good morals. 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:09.680 Do you think it's talking about is that a prophetic verse about the band Bad Company? 00:02:09.919 --> 00:02:10.240 I don't know. 00:02:10.479 --> 00:02:11.840 Like if you listen to the band Bad Company. 00:02:11.919 --> 00:02:12.319 Is that a band? 00:02:12.479 --> 00:02:13.439 You know the band Bad Company? 00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:14.879 I'm sorry, that was a horrible joke. 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:16.159 But no, it's true. 00:02:16.319 --> 00:02:17.520 Bad bad friends. 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:20.159 Like bad friends make you do stupid stuff. 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:20.879 Oh man. 00:02:20.960 --> 00:02:38.400 I mean you you right away you go to like Proverbs chapter one, where it talks about, you know, if if you like walk the same path as fools, right, you know, or evil people, um, wicked people, and being friends with wicked people is something that uh David talked about a lot in some of the Psalms. 00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:40.159 Like Psalm 1 actually has some of that stuff. 00:02:40.319 --> 00:02:40.479 Yeah. 00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:41.840 So yeah, no, absolutely. 00:02:41.919 --> 00:02:46.560 You you will see your kids become friends with people, you'll be like bad company. 00:02:46.800 --> 00:02:48.479 Yes, oh no, alarm bells go off. 00:02:48.560 --> 00:02:49.039 No, no, no. 00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:56.400 It's like it's like just underneath the whole like your kid decides to to have romantic attachments to someone you don't like. 00:02:56.560 --> 00:02:58.960 Those alarm bells might be a little bit louder at first. 00:02:59.199 --> 00:02:59.520 Sure. 00:02:59.759 --> 00:03:06.960 But actually, the friend one, they're gonna be so Yeah, because I think for me, the stupidest decisions I made were under pressure of my friends. 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:12.719 The the dumbest ideas I had were basically me just copycatting something my friends believed or said. 00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:13.680 And so Oh yeah. 00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:28.080 No, I mean I I can remember moments where I was hanging out with that group and just the are you our combination of personalities and and that sort of like uh confidence you have when you're with a group of friends that allows you to do dumb stuff. 00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:33.280 It allows you to like walk through the neighborhood and like not and like kind of yell something at a cop as they drive by. 00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:34.000 Did you do that? 00:03:34.080 --> 00:03:36.000 You know, no, I don't know if I yelled something at a cop. 00:03:36.240 --> 00:03:37.439 I can't imagine you're just yelling at cops. 00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:38.479 You're just like goofy. 00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:40.960 You're just like being Yeah, you're just you're your IQ. 00:03:41.199 --> 00:03:43.280 It like there's a weird it drops. 00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:44.560 There's like a group IQ level. 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:50.159 Not like I hate you yelling at a cop, but more just like like I dare you just to go like stick your tongue out at them. 00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:51.199 It's like what are you talking about? 00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:56.960 Well, and if I can just pull the curtain back a little bit more uh I guess vulnerable. 00:03:57.280 --> 00:04:02.639 Like some of the biggest entanglements I had with sin as a kid, things I got exposed to. 00:04:02.879 --> 00:04:03.039 Sure. 00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:05.120 Um, I was at a friend's house. 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:10.479 It's like I would spend the night somewhere, and it's not my parents' fault, they had no idea. 00:04:10.639 --> 00:04:11.120 Right. 00:04:11.520 --> 00:04:15.919 But like I rem and I have this distinct memory. 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:23.279 Um, this is I'm not saying this to like shock or scare parents, but I spent the night in fourth grade with a kid named Ryan. 00:04:23.360 --> 00:04:24.959 And I can say it because who knows. 00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:28.560 I had a kid named Ryan who showed me like horror horror movies. 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:29.839 Oh, this is no Ryan wasn't. 00:04:30.160 --> 00:04:30.879 Is it the same Ryan movie? 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:32.000 It may be the same Ryan. 00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:32.959 What a weird thing. 00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:35.040 It's no, this Ryan lived in Missouri, and I don't even remember his last. 00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:36.720 I think I do remember his last name, I don't want to say it. 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:37.120 Sure. 00:04:37.279 --> 00:04:39.759 But either way, um, this is 25. 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:41.920 Yeah, no, I know it's like 30 or something like that. 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:43.199 No way we knew the same Ryan. 00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:44.160 Right, I know. 00:04:44.399 --> 00:04:47.040 So this Ryan, I spend the night at his house. 00:04:47.519 --> 00:04:52.480 On his walls are posters of naked women. 00:04:52.720 --> 00:04:54.160 Yeah, I had that with friends. 00:04:54.399 --> 00:04:57.120 Not not like he had didn't have hidden. 00:04:57.680 --> 00:04:58.720 No, it was on his walls. 00:04:58.879 --> 00:04:59.120 Yeah. 00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:02.879 And his mom would like bring you pizza rolls. 00:05:03.120 --> 00:05:04.720 And there's naked. 00:05:05.120 --> 00:05:06.879 He's in the fourth grade. 00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:13.040 And I'm and when my mom said, sure, Justin would love to spend the night, she didn't go. 00:05:13.199 --> 00:05:14.240 Hey, quick question. 00:05:14.879 --> 00:05:16.720 Do you have naked pictures of women on the walls of the game? 00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:17.360 So how many? 00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:17.839 How many? 00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:22.800 I just want to like that's not even a thing you you would think to ask, but here, just by me going over to this friend's house, right? 00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:24.959 I'm like exposed to this stuff. 00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:25.360 Yeah. 00:05:25.519 --> 00:05:28.399 And in their home, it was normal. 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:28.959 Yeah. 00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:30.160 I don't get that. 00:05:30.399 --> 00:05:31.920 But my point is that's a friend. 00:05:32.079 --> 00:05:35.120 It's just that friendship led to that. 00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:35.439 Yeah. 00:05:35.519 --> 00:05:38.319 And so I guess And then we watched Ace Ventura Pet Detective. 00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:41.680 Dude, your your childhood is so close to my childhood. 00:05:42.399 --> 00:05:42.560 Yeah. 00:05:42.720 --> 00:05:43.680 I've what things have been. 00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:52.720 I'm thinking of I'm thinking of bad, like bad friends I had, and Ace Ventura Pet Detective was a keystone feature of that relationship. 00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:56.800 So uh I guess the question is like, how do you control that? 00:05:56.959 --> 00:06:00.240 And the answer is you you can't control that to a large degree. 00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:10.319 Um but there are I think a couple things you can control, and it's like the uh what you can't control is like potential environments um to some to some degree. 00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:15.680 And then you can you can control um the tools you're equipping them with. 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:20.240 I think that's a phenomenal way to look at it, just saying, okay, what is in the realm of my control and what is not. 00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:20.560 Right. 00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:30.560 And to understand there will be situations you can't control, but there are situations you do control, and I have seen a lot of parents almost talk themselves out of the reality that they have control somewhere. 00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:32.319 Like for example, I think of my home. 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:34.240 My home is is in my control. 00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:34.639 Right. 00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:37.279 I can determine who is at my house and who is not. 00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:41.040 So there was a there was a boy, when I won't I won't say his name. 00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:41.600 Ryan. 00:06:41.920 --> 00:06:42.720 Um Ryan. 00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:50.319 No, there was a boy that uh when my oldest was in the first grade, they were in class together, and they were they were in our neighborhood because they rode the same bus. 00:06:50.399 --> 00:06:52.000 And he's like, hey, can you come over? 00:06:52.319 --> 00:06:53.600 And I was like, sure. 00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:54.959 And it was a first grade kid. 00:06:55.120 --> 00:06:56.720 Is this the kid that destroyed your tree? 00:06:56.959 --> 00:07:00.319 Uh no, that was that was another neighbor. 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:00.720 Okay. 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:01.360 Yeah, he did. 00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:02.160 He was wild. 00:07:02.240 --> 00:07:03.120 He broke so much stuff. 00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:05.040 But this kid's similar situation. 00:07:05.439 --> 00:07:09.360 You know, I've rate up to this point, my oldest kid, like I've had him in my house for years. 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:11.199 I know how he's wired, right? 00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:13.279 This kid's in our house for 30 minutes. 00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:18.079 I come downstairs to our basement, and like multiple ceiling tiles are broken. 00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:26.639 And they're throwing apples, whole apples, at our wall, and they've splattered, and there's just apple juice running down the wall. 00:07:26.959 --> 00:07:32.480 And it's like staining the and I look at my son, I'm like, and I know that I know it wasn't. 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:34.079 I mean, number one, he was involved. 00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:34.560 Sure. 00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:34.800 Yeah. 00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:35.839 But like he's been in my house. 00:07:36.079 --> 00:07:36.959 You didn't come up with that idea. 00:07:37.199 --> 00:07:37.839 This never happened before. 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:38.079 Right. 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:42.480 Like we've had apples the whole time, we've had ceiling tiles the whole time, and he's never this kid was like crazy like that. 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:42.720 Yeah. 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:44.399 And I just was like, he's never coming over again. 00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:45.519 And he just said, go home. 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:46.639 Did you send the kid home? 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:48.399 Yeah, I was like, hey, it's time to go. 00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:50.959 And then I told him, like, yeah, I don't want that kid over. 00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:51.279 Yeah. 00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:54.480 And I and you can just tell that the kid, you can just tell. 00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:54.959 Yeah. 00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:59.360 Like, unless things change, this kid's heading in a bad direction. 00:07:59.519 --> 00:08:06.079 And I just so my point, even in the first grade, so we just decided, I remember telling, telling Liam, hey, he's not, we're not gonna have him over anymore. 00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:10.160 You can like, it doesn't mean you can ever play with them at school. 00:08:10.240 --> 00:08:12.639 It's just I just because of that, yeah. 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:15.279 So that's within my realm of control. 00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:19.199 And when you're real, when your kids are real young, like most of that's in your control. 00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:25.600 Like you can you can individually hand pick, like whoever shows up to a four-year-old's birthday party is like friends of the parents and their kids. 00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:30.399 And like maybe maybe some friends from school or daycare or whatever that looks like. 00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:38.559 And so um, but as they get older, fifth or sixth grade, into high school, like they're choosing their friends from the situations that they're put in. 00:08:38.879 --> 00:08:42.000 And the analogy I came up with is like stocking the fridge when you're on a diet. 00:08:42.080 --> 00:08:48.159 Like, if you're on a diet, find things you like to stock the fridge with so that it's just like the easy stuff to grab is right there. 00:08:48.399 --> 00:08:53.679 Um, for me, it's like I like carrots fine, but I'm not I'm not gonna eat them if they're still in the bag. 00:08:53.759 --> 00:08:54.399 I don't know why. 00:08:54.480 --> 00:09:00.960 I just I like I have to like put it in a little Tupperware thing, and then I'll be like, oh, I'll take that to work and then I'll be fine for it. 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:03.759 But if I have ice cream in the fridge, you're not choosing carrots over ice cream. 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:04.080 Correct. 00:09:04.159 --> 00:09:06.080 I will eat the I'll eat the whole thing of ice cream. 00:09:06.240 --> 00:09:27.840 And so having that those environments just stocked with people where you're like, okay, I know that at this setting, and for us it's like at church, like bringing my kid to church, the setting that they're around, the the stock that they're pulling from could potentially include other people uh whose their kids, like their families, like they're really all about Jesus, like they're following Jesus too. 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:33.200 Um, but if the only environments they're in is like, I'm gonna go hang out at the mall, I don't know if kids do that anymore. 00:09:33.279 --> 00:09:35.679 But like back in my day it was like Actually, I I think they do if they can. 00:09:35.840 --> 00:09:36.960 Yeah, let's go hang out at the mall. 00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:38.559 It's like, well, you don't know who's at the mall. 00:09:38.639 --> 00:09:40.000 Like, no, it's a good point. 00:09:40.080 --> 00:09:50.399 I mean, obviously, like you don't have total control over you don't have control over your child's level of buy-in with your what you like. 00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:52.000 My kids complain about what we put in the fridge sometimes. 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:52.480 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:53.360 Like, there's none of this. 00:09:53.440 --> 00:09:55.279 You know, it's like, yeah, that's on purpose. 00:09:55.440 --> 00:09:55.679 Right. 00:09:55.840 --> 00:10:01.600 Um sometimes they may not be excited about it, but I do think that I think that matters a ton. 00:10:01.679 --> 00:10:04.000 And I'll I'll use so I was a youth pastor for seven years. 00:10:04.159 --> 00:10:06.799 Um you've been a how long have you actually been a youth pastor now? 00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:07.919 It's been a while. 00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:08.960 What year is it? 00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:10.000 What year is it? 00:10:10.080 --> 00:10:11.200 Um 2023. 00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:13.200 2023, so six years probably. 00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:17.039 Dude, you're about to yeah, you're about to be a longer tenure. 00:10:17.440 --> 00:10:19.120 Well, if I make it through year seven. 00:10:19.360 --> 00:10:19.679 That's true. 00:10:19.759 --> 00:10:20.879 Well, the jury's still out on that. 00:10:20.960 --> 00:10:21.279 We'll see. 00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:23.120 But you're you're approaching, yeah. 00:10:23.279 --> 00:10:26.159 That's like in a youth pastor world, that's like you're like a guru. 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.000 Yeah, if you make it past three years, you're you're like, whoa, yeah, you've seen things we've not even. 00:10:30.399 --> 00:10:33.759 If you've graduated more than two cohorts, you're like, you're like the master. 00:10:34.080 --> 00:10:35.600 Well, this is something I saw happen a lot. 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:43.679 Um, and and so funny, it's my my sort of tenure as a youth pastor, I'll kind of pull back because I do think both of us will agree. 00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:51.039 If you want to help raise kids who follow Jesus, putting them, having them be incredibly involved at your church to whatever degree that's possible for your family. 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:51.440 Right. 00:10:52.639 --> 00:10:54.480 That's a high, should be a high priority. 00:10:54.639 --> 00:11:03.200 And if the youth group isn't if it's if if it's like dead, dying, you know, sometimes that's a reality at certain churches. 00:11:03.279 --> 00:11:09.360 I'm I'm not telling you to leave, right, but like that's your kids need that. 00:11:09.679 --> 00:11:15.840 I'll say as the youth pastor, like part of the reason why it might be dying is because everyone looks at it and goes, like, I don't want to go to that. 00:11:15.919 --> 00:11:17.759 I'll be one of only s eight kids. 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:19.519 Yeah, so my my story there is pretty interesting. 00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:21.600 When I first came here, the junior high and high school were together. 00:11:21.679 --> 00:11:21.840 Yeah. 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:23.200 And I separated that pretty fast. 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:26.080 That would have been right around the time you came as a sixth grader. 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:28.639 So we had a junior high thing, we had a high school thing. 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:31.600 And the junior high thing was on Wednesday nights. 00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:35.200 Okay, because that's kind of like church, you know, we have our main stuff now is on Sunday mornings. 00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:35.679 Right. 00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:40.240 But um we do have Wednesday night Bible studies for junior high and high school and whatnot. 00:11:40.399 --> 00:11:45.360 But uh anyway, so I was also in charge of the elementary for a while. 00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:53.360 And I would notice that like I'd have these kids on Sunday mornings that were there almost every Sunday, and then they just wouldn't make the jump to middle school. 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:53.919 Right. 00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:57.279 And so I remember I would like hype it up. 00:11:57.360 --> 00:11:59.440 I'd be like, hey, you guys gotta come, it's gonna be awesome. 00:11:59.519 --> 00:12:05.919 We we do all this stuff to sort of tease it, talk to parents, and then maybe 50% would show up the first time, and then it would dive pretty fast. 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:15.679 Because what I found was, oh, the parents don't that they're not willing to make that the sacrifice, yeah, or yeah, driving. 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:16.960 It's another night of the week. 00:12:17.039 --> 00:12:20.480 Yeah, we're not a neighborhood church, so it's kind of a destination drive for everybody. 00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:24.720 And you know, kids get busy, they get they got sports, they've got all kinds of stuff, and then it takes them away. 00:12:24.799 --> 00:12:26.879 And what I saw happen, this was a dynamic I saw very often. 00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:36.720 Maybe you've seen it too, is I saw kids go from like elementary, fourth, fifth grade, they knew a lot of kids, they're super they're happy when they're here. 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:40.000 And then they kind of disappeared for a few years. 00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:43.039 And this was back before we had this stuff all on Sunday morning, right? 00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:45.440 That's one of the reasons we made that change, because then you don't have to be a good thing. 00:12:45.600 --> 00:12:46.799 Youth group is now Sunday morning. 00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:50.320 It's Sunday morning because that's they don't have to transition to another day of the week. 00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:56.080 We have extra stuff on other days, but either way, why I made that transition because I'd see these kids disappear, and the parents no, no big deal. 00:12:56.159 --> 00:12:59.120 Your kid in the sixth grade is pretty similar to who they were in fifth grade. 00:12:59.279 --> 00:13:05.360 But by the time eighth, ninth grade was rolling around, I would have parents resurface almost like in desperation mode. 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:13.039 But now it was such an uphill battle to get their kids re-engaged because the kids were like, I don't know any of those kids, and I don't want to go. 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:15.759 And and the parents had to make them or there was some some conflict. 00:13:15.840 --> 00:13:18.159 But I would even still encourage them, yeah, try it. 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:19.759 Try it because it's worth it. 00:13:19.840 --> 00:13:29.279 But my point is, man, the kids that just didn't have that gap where it was a priority from the get-go and they were involved. 00:13:29.519 --> 00:13:33.120 You were one of those kids where I'm not sure you had weeks you weren't there, sure. 00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:34.799 But I would remember, like, oh, Madison's not here. 00:13:34.879 --> 00:13:36.000 That's kind of a weird week, right? 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:36.240 Right. 00:13:36.480 --> 00:13:38.559 From sixth grade all the way through twelfth grade. 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:44.639 You were you and a bunch of people were hyper consistent in the depth of relationship, and I mean it was huge to watch. 00:13:44.879 --> 00:13:54.240 Yeah, and I think it can be intimidating when you're on the other side of one of those breaks or gaps or a move or whatever it is to feel like, well, if I bring my kid to youth group, like there are those kids. 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:57.759 There is that consistent group that's they're there, but they're only friends with each other. 00:13:58.000 --> 00:13:59.679 So they're not gonna see my kid. 00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:13.600 Um and I would just say, like, hey, like come up with a a really great plan, talk to the people that lead the group, you know, whatever would be best to get them in involved, um, and take their phone away before you drop them off. 00:14:14.080 --> 00:14:23.360 So they don't just sit on their phone and use that as a I mean if your kid is like one of those kids where it's like they like have a tendency to run away and I'm gonna need to get in contact with them, it's like keep keep the phone with them, it'd be great. 00:14:23.600 --> 00:14:25.200 But if they're if it's not many kids, though. 00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:27.759 No, right, definitely, especially for us, not on Sunday morning. 00:14:27.840 --> 00:14:28.559 That's not really happening. 00:14:29.919 --> 00:14:30.639 No, no runners. 00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:33.759 No one's walking up, no one's like, I was just gonna go to steak and shake at 10 a.m. 00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:34.320 on Sunday morning. 00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:37.600 Our church is surrounded by a Target, a steak and shake. 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:40.240 Um I just gotta grab gym shorts at Target. 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:41.120 It's like, why are you going to do that? 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:42.639 I would have kids like, where are you going, man? 00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:45.679 It's like, you know, Oh, just to just go to Target real quick. 00:14:45.759 --> 00:14:47.600 It's like, no, no, you can't why? 00:14:47.679 --> 00:14:50.000 I would I had kids be some of the harder kids like, why? 00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:50.159 Right. 00:14:50.240 --> 00:14:52.000 I was like, well, because your parents dropped you off here. 00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:52.480 Yep. 00:14:52.639 --> 00:14:53.919 And they'd be like, well, they don't mind. 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:55.600 I was like, well, I'll talk to them when they pick you up. 00:14:55.679 --> 00:15:00.960 I mean, I have a I have a you do understand I have a baseline responsibility to keep you in the same address. 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:04.480 I don't know where your parents I think he he said he was going to get gym shorts at Target. 00:15:04.639 --> 00:15:05.440 Sounded plausible. 00:15:05.600 --> 00:15:15.840 I can't but if your kids, so if your kid's not like that, like at the youth group you drop them off at, like you will obviously like the the youth, the the leaders there will take care of your kids. 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:18.399 They'll they'll make sure that they're in the same spot when you pick them up. 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:18.879 Right. 00:15:19.120 --> 00:15:30.399 Um, but not having that phone is like 15 minutes of dread and anxiety, and then there's like that decision point of like, am I gonna cower in the corner without a phone to rely on? 00:15:30.639 --> 00:15:33.840 Because like being in the corner with a phone, everyone will leave you alone. 00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:34.240 Right. 00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:38.159 Being in the corner without a phone, you're like, I think I'm gonna go play ping pong. 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:38.320 Right. 00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:44.720 You're like, I don't want and and the reality is like it it helps. 00:15:44.799 --> 00:15:45.039 Yeah. 00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:49.840 I was even talking to a kid, um I was doing some basketball training. 00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:52.159 Um, I do a little bit on the side every once in a while. 00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:53.120 I love basketball. 00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:59.600 And so there's this uh family that I know, and they were wanting to work with their kid who's who's freshman in high school. 00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:02.159 And where they go to school is kind of far away from here. 00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:05.840 They go to church here on Sundays, but there's not that many kids from their school here. 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:06.320 Sure. 00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:10.159 But I told them, I actually had that experience in high school, and I said, actually, that's a cool thing. 00:16:10.639 --> 00:16:14.480 Because well, why, yeah, I could see it could be cool that you go to church with all the same kids you go to school with. 00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:17.039 It's actually really nice to have a different friend group. 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:17.440 Yep. 00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:38.879 Because maybe sometimes there's drama at school, and that drama doesn't follow you to youth group, and you have kind of a break from and maybe maybe some of the friends you have at school you need a break from, and having a separate set of friends, I was actually able to be myself more at youth group than I was at school because it was a healthier environment. 00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:45.600 We have a college-age student, I'll just call him Michael, it's not his real name, but he goes by Michael when he's here. 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:51.600 But I found out through some mutual friends that they know him as Mikey, and I was like, Oh, like he's Mikey to you. 00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:52.720 He's totally Michael to me. 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:58.080 And so I asked him about it, and he's like, honestly, like I've been Mikey for so long that I just want to just be Michael here. 00:16:58.159 --> 00:16:59.120 And interesting. 00:16:59.360 --> 00:17:00.480 That's like, okay, cool. 00:17:00.639 --> 00:17:03.519 Like I don't know you as anything different, so we're gonna we're gonna try to get out of here. 00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:04.640 It's kind of a chance here to go. 00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:05.519 I don't have to be that. 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:06.000 Yes. 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:07.680 No, I think that that's really important. 00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:13.519 Now, I think there's a there's a point, obviously, as kids get older, they're gonna have normally more say in their friends, right? 00:17:13.599 --> 00:17:19.440 They start having cars, they start having and I think it becomes important at that point where okay, as a parent, you do have control. 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:27.839 I love the stocking the fridge analogy because like you do have you can determine who comes over to your house, you can determine where you're okay with your your kid going. 00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:28.000 Right. 00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:33.200 And you can if you can endure your child not liking you every once in a while, like that's a huge deal as a parent. 00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:41.599 It's almost like, you know, my my oldest plays sports, and it's or even go to my my my daughter, Lily, loves ballet and she's in a super intense ballet class. 00:17:41.759 --> 00:17:41.920 Right. 00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:44.799 And it's like, hey, if you want to do ballet, you gotta be able to do the splits. 00:17:44.960 --> 00:17:45.759 You gotta be flexible. 00:17:45.839 --> 00:17:48.160 It's just it's you if you can't be flexible, you can't do ballet. 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:48.559 Yeah. 00:17:48.799 --> 00:17:50.319 And she works really hard at that stuff. 00:17:50.480 --> 00:17:58.160 Well, as a parent, you gotta be able to endure your kids thinking you're lame, like not liking you, thinking your rules are stupid. 00:17:58.240 --> 00:18:01.759 You have to have an endurance, you cannot be desperate for them to like you. 00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:03.039 It's hard to endure that. 00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:08.799 But if you can endure that, you have control over where they go, whose house they're at, who comes over to your house. 00:18:08.960 --> 00:18:13.440 But there will come a point where your kids start choosing their friends, and you don't have as much say. 00:18:13.519 --> 00:18:17.599 And I think at that point, you've got to teach them how to choose friends. 00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:18.000 Yes. 00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:19.440 And what to value in their friends. 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:22.559 Well, and I think starting, this is like the lifelong thing. 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:23.920 It's an identity thing. 00:18:24.079 --> 00:18:35.440 Like, I never I always felt I've I've been like a confident person, probably unrealistically confident, like doesn't match with reality in terms of like I didn't have swagger, I just was overly confident. 00:18:35.839 --> 00:18:41.599 No, I remember you in middle school, even we would we would joke like you seemed so comfortable with yourself. 00:18:41.839 --> 00:18:42.319 Yes. 00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:50.000 And comfort and confidence are tied together, but you didn't have this like, yo, I'm there were kids that presented that, but it was almost always insecurity based. 00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:50.799 It was easy to tell. 00:18:50.880 --> 00:18:54.000 But yeah, I guess but because I was comfortable with myself, and I don't know where that came from. 00:18:54.079 --> 00:18:59.039 I I think the Lord just was favoring me, but I did I did feel like I got to choose. 00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:01.920 Like I got to choose my girlfriend, I got to choose my friends. 00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:09.920 Like there was this like always on the table of like, yeah, if I didn't want to be friends with them, it wouldn't be the end of the world, like with the current the current setup. 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:21.599 And for me, like I might have just been lucky in experiencing that, but I think as a parent, there are some like really basic things that you can do to um to instill that into your kid. 00:19:21.680 --> 00:19:25.279 And I I brought I got another verse, um, Ephesians 3. 00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:52.000 Um, for this reason I bow my knees uh before the Father, from whom every family in heaven on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory, he may grant you to be strengthened with the power through his Holy Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints the breadth and length and height and depth to know the love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God. 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:52.559 That's it. 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:53.680 Filled with the fullness of the five. 00:19:54.559 --> 00:19:57.680 I uh I I I taught on that a couple of years ago. 00:19:57.839 --> 00:20:09.839 And that that one verse or couple verses that you read there has like more like uh qualifying, like in commas, this having this, having in this and considering this and th yeah. 00:20:10.000 --> 00:20:27.039 Yeah, and so I think the things that jumped out to me is like if your kid is rooted and grounded in love, and that's like the love of Jesus in your family, um, and if they are filled with the fullness of God, like they will have the freedom to know the right thing to choose. 00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:39.440 I guess that's uh I guess starting with the identity there of like if they're comfortable and confident who they are, yeah, they're not gonna choose friends just because they're really insecure and these people correct because there's acceptance. 00:20:39.680 --> 00:20:39.920 Right. 00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:42.160 Um they're just dra they're just hungry. 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:43.519 A lot of kids are just hungry for acceptance. 00:20:43.839 --> 00:20:43.920 Right. 00:20:44.160 --> 00:20:53.519 And so if your home is a place where they don't feel insecure, they're not gonna look for the security like in something else, like another friend who's the uh opposite of what you would say. 00:20:53.680 --> 00:21:06.799 And I mean, there's there's normal dynamics when kids want to be cool, kids want to be, and there are going to be certain groups that have a pull because being a part of that group may offer you know some type of status, some type of felt, yeah, whatever. 00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:07.759 And that's always gonna be the case. 00:21:07.839 --> 00:21:08.000 Trevor Burrus, Jr. 00:21:08.079 --> 00:21:10.240 And honestly, they might need to be part of that group. 00:21:10.400 --> 00:21:25.839 They might either need to learn the lesson at a young age where the stakes are low, or they might need to influence that group if you're the kid if you have a kid that that has the faith to be part of the you know, the basketball team with a bunch of intense dudes, but they're the one that loves Jesus and can set the tone for them. 00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:31.599 Aaron Powell I think that you know, like I I've always told, like, okay, we'll go another scripture, Proverbs 27, I'm pretty sure it's 27. 00:21:31.759 --> 00:21:33.920 But it just says, walk with the wise and become wise. 00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:37.200 You know, associate with fools and experience. 00:21:38.240 --> 00:21:40.000 Yeah, experience, yeah, your life will be ruined. 00:21:40.400 --> 00:21:44.400 Um, I'm I think I'm mixing a couple of uh of uh translations together. 00:21:44.559 --> 00:21:50.240 But but yeah, it's like the it's like the positive version of what you said, like like you know, bad company corrupts good morals. 00:21:50.400 --> 00:21:53.279 Well, good company helps build that. 00:21:54.079 --> 00:21:59.839 And I was talking to a kid years ago, I was still the youth pastor, and he needed to do a bunch of community service. 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.240 Hours like a bunch. 00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:02.640 Yeah. 00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:03.839 And I was like, why? 00:22:04.160 --> 00:22:05.279 Why do you need that many hours? 00:22:05.440 --> 00:22:09.680 He's like, Oh, well, you know, I got the court told me to for this thing. 00:22:09.839 --> 00:22:10.799 I was like, Why'd you do that? 00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:11.119 Yeah. 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:12.400 And he's like, I was with my friends. 00:22:12.480 --> 00:22:13.680 He got to blame it all on his friends. 00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:13.839 Right. 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:15.599 He was like, Well, I didn't really, I didn't really do it. 00:22:15.680 --> 00:22:17.440 He said, I was with my friends and they were doing, I was just there. 00:22:17.519 --> 00:22:18.720 I was like, Man, you gotta get better friends. 00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:20.799 And he looked at me like shocked, like, how could you say that? 00:22:20.880 --> 00:22:25.599 I was like, Well, I'm just saying that if I hang out with my friends, the likelihood of us being arrested is really low. 00:22:25.839 --> 00:22:28.480 And so it's just nice that when I'm with my friends, I don't have to worry about that. 00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:28.799 Right. 00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:32.400 And he kind of was like, he's young and they could tell this was not his normal paradigm shift. 00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:34.640 And I said, Hey man, okay, here's the way it works. 00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:36.960 Choose choose your friends strategically. 00:22:37.119 --> 00:22:38.880 Do not let life choose your friends for you. 00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:39.680 Right. 00:22:40.799 --> 00:22:50.880 You know, when I when I pick, like I'll I'll play basketball um every once in a while, and and I get to if I get to pick the team, I mean, I want to win. 00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:54.720 So do I just pick people like he makes me laugh, so he's on the team. 00:22:54.960 --> 00:22:55.119