WEBVTT 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:01.919 Uh Chip's going to be with us this morning, guys. 00:00:02.000 --> 00:00:05.200 And if you were here last week, um what he shared was really powerful. 00:00:05.440 --> 00:00:11.199 Steve kind of framed Chip speaking last week by saying that you know God wants to change us from the inside out. 00:00:11.359 --> 00:00:16.160 And I think that's something that I know for me when I've heard Chip speak, this is I wasn't planning on you being here. 00:00:16.239 --> 00:00:16.559 This is weird. 00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:17.519 I'll just talk about it now. 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:25.839 Um but Chip has a real gift of helping us identify some of that inside stuff that God wants to work on and help us change so we can have a better life. 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:28.239 And uh and that's what he's here to share with us this morning. 00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:29.839 So that's Chip. 00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:30.399 All right. 00:00:30.559 --> 00:00:31.039 Here you go. 00:00:31.280 --> 00:00:32.240 Thank you, sir. 00:00:33.039 --> 00:00:33.679 All right. 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:37.920 Y'all doing well this morning? 00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:39.280 All right. 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:42.719 So you are finishing spring break, is that the deal? 00:00:43.039 --> 00:00:43.679 All right. 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:46.000 Uh not having young kids at home anymore. 00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:52.000 We're kind of out of touch with all that stuff, but uh we still enjoy connecting to you guys. 00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:54.560 You guys are a good looking bunch, I tell you. 00:00:54.640 --> 00:00:56.240 I'm starting to almost feel at home here. 00:00:56.320 --> 00:00:57.520 Is that a good thing or bad thing? 00:00:57.600 --> 00:00:58.640 What do you think? 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:05.280 All right, what we're gonna talk about this morning is the second part, create your own weather. 00:01:05.439 --> 00:01:13.840 What I hope to do this morning, as much as I can, what I want it to feel like is you and I having a conversation. 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:16.640 Not me and all of you, but me and you. 00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:21.040 I'm gonna do my best to try to make you feel like you and I are having a conversation. 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:24.319 I've been pastoring for almost 30 years. 00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:28.799 More importantly, maybe I've been a marriage and family counselor for about that same amount of time. 00:01:28.959 --> 00:01:30.000 What does that mean? 00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:37.519 I've been messing around with people and their stuff really, really up close and personal for a long time. 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:41.519 Um I think I've learned some stuff. 00:01:41.760 --> 00:01:43.359 Say stuff one time. 00:01:43.840 --> 00:01:46.239 I think I've learned some stuff that'll help you. 00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:51.040 And by the time we're finished today, we're gonna try to get real practical, give you some tools and that kind of thing. 00:01:51.200 --> 00:02:05.920 But I just encourage you to kind of chill, you know, relax a little bit, because this kind of a subject, if I do my job correctly, will probably poke you a little bit, and will probably might even, for some of you, might even pull some stuff to the surface. 00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:07.760 But uh, I just want to help you. 00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:17.599 How many of you agree that unhealthy or unmanaged or unstable emotions make it harder to have stable relationships? 00:02:17.840 --> 00:02:19.439 Raise your hand if you agree with that. 00:02:19.680 --> 00:02:20.719 We said this last week. 00:02:20.879 --> 00:02:31.199 How many of you agree that unstable, unhealthy, you know, not well-managed relationships kind of lead to unhealthy, unstable, unmanaged emotions? 00:02:31.520 --> 00:02:32.479 You follow me? 00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:34.479 So what am I trying to say? 00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:37.520 They all kind of roll together. 00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:41.919 You need to learn to manage what you can manage. 00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:50.080 How many of you have beat your head against the wall long enough, often enough, hard enough to realize you really can't control anybody else? 00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:51.759 How many of you figured that out? 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:53.520 Some of you aren't raising your hands. 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:54.639 Hang around. 00:02:57.439 --> 00:03:01.280 So who's the one person you can have the most influence on? 00:03:02.719 --> 00:03:06.080 Now please, please, I beg you to think about that. 00:03:06.319 --> 00:03:07.439 Because you know what? 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:15.840 If you listen this morning for someone else, the person you can help the most is not going to be helped. 00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:18.560 Who do you need to listen for today? 00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:21.680 Now let that land on you a minute. 00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:23.439 You need to listen for you. 00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:30.960 Now, pay attention, and maybe someone you love dearly will come to you later today or next week and say, hey, you know that thing he said, blah, blah, blah. 00:03:31.120 --> 00:03:34.080 And you can then talk about it both directions. 00:03:34.240 --> 00:03:37.759 But in this little moment we have, listen for you. 00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:40.400 I really, really want to help you. 00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:44.560 I've learned how to kind of create my own weather. 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:51.039 I've learned how to really honestly feel pretty good virtually all the time. 00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:54.479 Now I'm married and I have three kids. 00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:58.000 How many of you know you're gonna have some drama? 00:03:58.240 --> 00:04:00.800 Fellas, you're gonna have some drama, or no, I'm kidding. 00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:06.319 I have bumps in the road, but I've learned some stuff, and that's what we want to talk about this morning. 00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:14.719 Now, please remember my my caution at the front, my disclaimer, you know how on the television they say the views of this program, blah, blah, blah, all that stuff? 00:04:14.879 --> 00:04:16.399 Well, listen to me carefully now. 00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:20.480 I am not talking everything I'm about to say and everything I said last week. 00:04:20.560 --> 00:04:25.920 I'm not talking about the times when life runs over you like a steamroller. 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:28.160 Say yes if you know what I'm talking about. 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:37.600 I don't even want to name some of them, but there are events in life that I am not saying you ought to be able to just be on top of the world going through them. 00:04:37.920 --> 00:04:42.480 But that's about 3 to 10% of life. 00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:45.199 About 3 to 10% of life. 00:04:45.360 --> 00:04:49.759 The rest of life, you can learn to manage. 00:04:50.079 --> 00:04:55.519 You can learn to bring your highs down a little bit and your lows up a little bit. 00:04:55.680 --> 00:04:57.439 Are you supposed to be like this? 00:04:58.240 --> 00:04:59.439 A flat line? 00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:00.000 No. 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:02.079 Are you supposed to be like this? 00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:03.199 No. 00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:08.959 Life's supposed to be a little bit like this, but more manageable. 00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:13.279 All right, let's look at Psalm 103, King David in the Bible. 00:05:13.439 --> 00:05:18.480 And I want you to notice, you know, when you're listening to a counselor, we have a weird way we look at stuff, but let's read this. 00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:20.959 We'll just read a little bit of it, and then I'll make a few comments. 00:05:21.199 --> 00:05:27.920 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name. 00:05:28.240 --> 00:05:33.199 Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of his benefits. 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:39.519 Who pardons all our iniquities, who heals, who's he talking to? 00:05:41.519 --> 00:05:45.199 Bless the Lord, O my soul. 00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:46.879 Who's he talking to? 00:05:47.360 --> 00:05:49.439 He's talking to himself. 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:52.480 Now what happened here? 00:05:52.800 --> 00:05:59.519 I believe David was in an emotional place he didn't like. 00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:05.519 I believe David was in an emotional moment he didn't want to stay in. 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:07.680 Now we could unpack some things. 00:06:07.759 --> 00:06:09.839 How many of you remember how King David was selected? 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:10.879 Raise your hand if you do. 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:11.839 Some of you may not. 00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:21.439 Here's the deal: uh Samuel comes to the father, I can't remember his name, and says, Parade your sons in front of me, because one of your sons is special. 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:22.639 Guess what? 00:06:22.959 --> 00:06:27.199 The father prays all the sons in front of the prophet except whom? 00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:28.560 David. 00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:32.959 Didn't even parade David David was like an afterthought. 00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:36.720 How many of you think David might have been carrying some wounds? 00:06:37.600 --> 00:06:40.959 Samuel says, the prophet says, nope, none of these. 00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:42.959 Oh, I've got another son. 00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:45.920 How many of you like to be, oh, I got another son? 00:06:47.519 --> 00:06:49.600 Now here's what I'm trying to say to you. 00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:53.600 In this passage, look at the things he says to himself. 00:06:53.920 --> 00:07:02.800 I believe David had a challenge seeing himself as special. 00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:08.000 So here he is in a moment where he's not emotionally feeling the way he'd like to. 00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:10.959 And what has he learned to do? 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:17.120 He's learned, listen now, he's learned to manage his soul. 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:21.839 He's learned to direct his soul. 00:07:22.480 --> 00:07:34.639 I remember telling my daughter one time on the phone, I was walking her through something similar, and I said, darling, listen, you've got to push your words in the direction you want the rest of you to follow. 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:36.079 I'm gonna say that again. 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:41.360 You've got to push your words in the direction you want the rest of you to follow. 00:07:41.519 --> 00:07:44.079 So David's not having a good day. 00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:49.199 He sits down, thinks all about how bad his day is. 00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:50.560 Maybe. 00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:54.480 But then he kind of slaps himself and he says, you know, wait a minute, dude. 00:07:54.800 --> 00:07:58.480 No one is coming to pull you out of this. 00:08:00.399 --> 00:08:02.319 You've got to do it yourself. 00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:07.920 And he says, He imagine it's like he grabs his own soul. 00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:09.279 Can you imagine that? 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:15.680 It's like he grabs his own soul and he says, Bless the Lord, O my soul. 00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:18.240 And all that is within me. 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:19.360 Bless this. 00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:20.879 What's he really saying? 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:23.439 He's saying, look up. 00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:27.839 Look at something different, focus on something different. 00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:30.480 And then he starts rehearsing some things. 00:08:30.720 --> 00:08:34.480 Bless the Lord, O my soul, forget none of his benefits. 00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:37.039 Maybe he was feeling the pain of rejection. 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:40.639 Maybe he was feeling the pain of, I just don't feel special. 00:08:40.799 --> 00:08:49.679 And he starts saying to himself, who, and forget none of his benefits, who pardons all our iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life. 00:08:49.840 --> 00:08:53.039 He starts rehearsing the cool things God's done for him. 00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:55.120 Now you've got to get this, folks. 00:08:55.279 --> 00:08:58.399 As far as I'm concerned, he's in a room alone. 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:02.639 And he has gotten this revelation. 00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:09.200 No one can direct your soul but you. 00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:14.159 No one can direct your soul but you. 00:09:15.120 --> 00:09:16.879 And that's all I'm really talking about. 00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:22.000 But what I want to do is give you a couple of tools to help you learn to do that. 00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:23.600 Say yes if you're interested. 00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:26.399 Okay, next slide, please, sir. 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:30.399 How many of you have ever had what we call an emotional hijacking? 00:09:30.559 --> 00:09:32.080 Raise your hand if you've ever had a moment. 00:09:32.159 --> 00:09:38.559 Here's what I mean: a moment where after it was over, you thought to yourself, did I really just say all that? 00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:49.120 How many of you have ever, how many of you ever, how many of you ever, you're a Christian, you love God, you're forgiven for your sins. 00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:52.159 How many of you have ever had a moment where you cussed like a sailor? 00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:54.639 Hands up all over the place. 00:09:54.799 --> 00:09:55.759 I gotta talk to you guys. 00:09:56.399 --> 00:09:58.960 Next time I come, we got a different subject. 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:00.960 Here's the thing. 00:10:01.120 --> 00:10:02.720 Where does that come from? 00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:10.399 How many of you have ever had a moment where you struck out at someone you love more than yourself and you said hurtful, mean things? 00:10:10.559 --> 00:10:12.480 Raise your hand if you've ever done that. 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:29.200 How many of you ever have had a moment of exchange with someone and you grossly overreacted to what they did because you assigned an evil motive to what was just a simple mistake. 00:10:30.080 --> 00:10:35.039 You assigned an evil motive to what was just a simple mistake. 00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:37.679 Raise your hand if that's ever happened to you. 00:10:38.159 --> 00:10:41.360 Now, here's what an emotional hijacking is all about. 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:44.559 I gotta talk to you like a little weird science here. 00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:49.039 But God created your brain to do things differently. 00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:51.679 And you literally have kind of like two brains. 00:10:51.840 --> 00:10:53.600 Go back to that last one, please, sir. 00:10:53.759 --> 00:11:05.679 And what happens when you encounter something, an external event of any kind, part of the information goes to your thinking center, part of it goes to your feeling center. 00:11:05.759 --> 00:11:15.039 Now, here's the important part of this the route, the journey, the electrical circuitry to the feeling center is shorter and faster. 00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:17.039 It gets there first. 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:20.559 It gets to the thinking center slower. 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:28.240 Now, here's what happens you experience something that touches your feeling center, and you go, rah. 00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:33.679 And here's the key part. 00:11:33.840 --> 00:11:40.080 If you notice the X by the thinking center, your thinking center is shut down temporarily. 00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:45.360 It's almost like your feeling center says, I'll take care of this. 00:11:47.519 --> 00:11:54.960 And then later your feeling center calms down, and your thinking center goes, dude, what did you do? 00:11:58.159 --> 00:12:00.159 Alright, next slide, please, sir. 00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:02.240 Just a couple of simple thoughts. 00:12:02.399 --> 00:12:04.960 The thinking center is slow and deliberate. 00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:06.000 It selects. 00:12:06.159 --> 00:12:07.279 Say selects. 00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:08.639 What does that mean? 00:12:08.799 --> 00:12:12.159 It looks at a couple of choices and picks one. 00:12:12.720 --> 00:12:14.559 How many of you know that takes what? 00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:16.399 T-I-M-E. 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:20.960 So it's slow and deliberate, it selects a response. 00:12:21.919 --> 00:12:24.879 Well, I could do that, I could do that, I could do that. 00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:29.200 But the feeling center is fast and protective. 00:12:29.519 --> 00:12:33.919 It reacts based on a museum of memories. 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:36.240 Now, what do I mean by that? 00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:48.639 Let's say early in your life, you were hurt, disappointed, neglected, or whatever, little bit or a lot, by a male authority figure. 00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:51.840 Probably not happened to anybody in this room. 00:12:52.799 --> 00:13:13.200 Later in life, you're relating to a male authority figure, and they look, feel, carry themselves, or respond to you in a way that touches one of those hurtful memories, and you respond badly. 00:13:14.799 --> 00:13:18.960 Afterwards, you think, dude, what was that? 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:23.919 You just experienced an emotional hijacking. 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:26.399 Now, this is what's important. 00:13:27.679 --> 00:13:30.320 No one else did that to you. 00:13:30.559 --> 00:13:33.519 Now, when you were this old, they did to put the memory in there. 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:38.000 But in the moment I'm talking about, you did that to you. 00:13:38.799 --> 00:13:48.159 And you've gotta, you honestly, you've got to accept that if you're ever gonna learn to manage your soul. 00:13:48.960 --> 00:13:49.919 You've got to. 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:51.200 All right, let's slow it down. 00:13:51.360 --> 00:13:52.480 Next slide, please, sir. 00:13:52.639 --> 00:13:55.919 And let's talk about how you and I create our own emotions. 00:13:56.000 --> 00:14:01.360 If you would say this with me I create my own emotions. 00:14:02.559 --> 00:14:04.080 Say yes if you believe that. 00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:06.960 Let's say it one more time. 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:08.960 I create my own emotions. 00:14:10.799 --> 00:14:14.000 Now, if you really believe that, your life's about to change. 00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:22.799 Because just accepting that reality, because most of us consciously or not, kind of think if you just act right, I'd be happier. 00:14:27.279 --> 00:14:28.320 True or not? 00:14:29.120 --> 00:14:30.559 Now, let's be real. 00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:37.360 If the people around you acted perfectly towards you, would it probably make it easier for you to feel better? 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:39.759 But can I give you a little secret, folks? 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:50.240 If you're gonna wait for the people around you to treat you correctly before you learn to feel well, get a prescription, get a counselor's card, or something. 00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:53.840 Because you're gonna be waiting a long time. 00:14:54.399 --> 00:14:57.120 One more time, I create my own emotions. 00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:02.320 Now, I don't know if I said this up front, but let me say it now. 00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:06.799 What I'm talking about is not easy. 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:12.559 I don't want to sit here and blow at you two weeks in a row and make it look like, oh, this is a piece of cake. 00:15:12.639 --> 00:15:14.080 What's wrong with you guys? 00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:16.159 This is not easy. 00:15:16.399 --> 00:15:18.399 But can I ask you a question? 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:20.320 Is the way you're doing it easy? 00:15:22.559 --> 00:15:44.320 All I'm asking you to do is go through a learning tunnel where you acquire a few new skills that will be tricky for you, but you can come out the other end of that tunnel and feel more empowered by God, with God, in God, to enjoy life at a higher, more consistent level than you ever have before. 00:15:44.559 --> 00:15:49.679 So let's look at this whole idea of how you create your emotions, how I create my emotions. 00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:50.320 All right. 00:15:50.480 --> 00:15:53.519 We threw this up there last week, but I put a little different word up here. 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:54.320 Very important. 00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:54.960 You know what? 00:15:55.120 --> 00:15:59.600 Of all the different things you could remember out of these two weeks, A, B, C is one of them. 00:15:59.840 --> 00:16:01.519 A, B, C, A, B, C. 00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:02.559 What does it mean? 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:07.039 Most people think A causes C. 00:16:08.080 --> 00:16:14.639 Most people think what people do outside of me, events that happen outside of me, cause what I feel. 00:16:14.879 --> 00:16:16.799 That is not true. 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:22.000 Except in the 3 to 10% of life where life rolls you over. 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:23.679 Somebody sticks a gun in your ribs. 00:16:23.759 --> 00:16:28.000 How many of you know, I don't care how good you are at managing your emotions, you're gonna have a rough little moment. 00:16:29.039 --> 00:16:35.919 But how many of you know most of the events that make your emotions go where you don't want them to go are not somebody sticking a gun in your ribs? 00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:39.759 They're way smaller than that. 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:42.559 So you've got to wrestle with this thought. 00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:45.679 Outside events do not cause my emotions. 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:54.720 If you think they do, then you are giving outside events the permission, power, and authority to control you for the rest of your life. 00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:59.360 I don't know about you, but I don't want to live that way. 00:16:59.519 --> 00:17:01.200 So, what have I learned? 00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:03.519 Something happens outside of me. 00:17:03.679 --> 00:17:16.079 My wife does or doesn't do something, my kids do or don't do something, a friend does or doesn't do something, my boss does or doesn't do something, you know, so you know, somebody's in the left-hand lane, driving too slow, whatever it is. 00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:24.960 Something outside of me happens, and then I interpret it or explain it to myself. 00:17:26.000 --> 00:17:28.000 Like, for instance, left hand lane. 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:30.000 I look and I'm like, who is this? 00:17:30.319 --> 00:17:32.480 Now I'm 57 years old. 00:17:32.720 --> 00:17:36.240 I look and I say, you know, it looks like somebody about 70. 00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:38.720 And now you know what I think to myself? 00:17:39.039 --> 00:17:41.200 Dude, you're gonna be there pretty soon. 00:17:41.519 --> 00:17:44.000 Why don't you be nice to this guy? 00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:46.799 Now, what did I just do? 00:17:47.440 --> 00:17:49.599 I just modified what? 00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:52.319 My response. 00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:55.039 I modified my response. 00:17:55.279 --> 00:17:56.400 Who did that? 00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:58.240 I did. 00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:01.440 Something happens outside of you. 00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:10.319 Darling, um, I'm on my way home, I've got a car full of groceries, and I've got to take the kids to gymnastics. 00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:11.279 Uh, where are you? 00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:13.839 Well, I'm at the coffee shop around the corner from the house. 00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:17.759 Could you please meet me at the house and help me? 00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:21.440 You know, I I I don't feel like it. 00:18:27.039 --> 00:18:28.880 Not gonna be a good evening. 00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:31.440 Let me change that. 00:18:31.519 --> 00:18:33.519 I don't feel like it's not good at all. 00:18:33.839 --> 00:18:35.839 I don't think I can do that. 00:18:38.079 --> 00:18:41.759 Now, on a scale of one to five, what is that? 00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:43.599 Somebody. 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:45.279 A five. 00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:47.200 No. 00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:52.400 On a scale of one to five, I would say that's about a two. 00:18:53.359 --> 00:18:54.640 That's about a two. 00:18:54.880 --> 00:18:57.759 Now, why do you why do you feel like it's higher? 00:18:58.000 --> 00:19:07.519 Because what you hear is you assign a motive, rejection, insensitive, just thinking about yourself. 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:20.720 Now, some of that might be true to a degree, but the point is, what you don't know is he's sitting there witnessing to someone at the coffee shop and can't tell you that without embarrassing the person. 00:19:21.839 --> 00:19:23.759 Now, who feels dumb now? 00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:27.519 Now, what did you do? 00:19:28.400 --> 00:19:32.319 You took what happened and you explained it to yourself. 00:19:32.559 --> 00:19:36.960 You insensitive, selfish, good for nothing. 00:19:37.279 --> 00:19:37.599 No. 00:19:38.799 --> 00:19:41.599 And what happened to your two, it became a what? 00:19:42.319 --> 00:19:45.920 A four and a half or a five on a scale of one to five. 00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:51.680 You get home, and he says, Man, I just led this guy to the Lord. 00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:54.640 Thank you for letting me stay at the coffee shop. 00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:56.000 What? 00:19:57.519 --> 00:20:05.440 Now, how many of you now I don't really mean it's always that clean, but the point is what you think or remember. 00:20:05.599 --> 00:20:07.200 Now, why do I have those in quotes? 00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:10.400 Please, you gotta learn, you gotta train yourself to think like this. 00:20:10.720 --> 00:20:12.720 Thinking is what? 00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:15.519 Talking to yourself. 00:20:16.319 --> 00:20:18.319 Thinking is talking to yourself. 00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:24.880 So what you've got to learn to do is think about what you're saying to yourself. 00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:35.200 So one of the things that affects how A affects B that produces C is what am I saying to myself in that moment? 00:20:35.519 --> 00:20:37.680 And then remember is in quotes. 00:20:37.759 --> 00:20:40.160 And here's where it gets a little bit tricky. 00:20:41.279 --> 00:20:45.200 Remember isn't always conscious. 00:20:46.640 --> 00:20:48.880 Say yes if you understand what I'm saying. 00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:52.559 I reacted poorly to my wife when we first got married. 00:20:52.720 --> 00:21:00.720 I was a brand new Christian, learning how to be a good husband, and my wife's a pretty confident, you know, she's not afraid to express her opinion, trust me. 00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:09.519 And she would express her opinion, and I would just, John Wayne, Macho, Clint Eastwood, you're not, no, you're not gonna talk to me like that. 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:17.759 But I would walk away, and I didn't tell her at first, I'd walk away and I'd go, God, why did I react like that? 00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:19.759 She didn't deserve that. 00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:40.480 Well, over time, and this is something I'm gonna talk to you about in a minute, God helped me see that I had judged my mother, took up an offense for my father, because in my opinion, and I believe it was true, my mother would manipulate and control my father. 00:21:40.960 --> 00:21:45.279 And so what I did was deep in my soul, I made this decision. 00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:49.599 No woman is gonna ever do that to me. 00:21:51.519 --> 00:21:59.599 So here I was in my marriage to this wonderful woman, and when she would just be normally confident. 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:04.559 And expressive, I would take it as an assault on my authority. 00:22:05.759 --> 00:22:08.480 Now, who was doing that to me? 00:22:09.039 --> 00:22:10.000 I was. 00:22:10.880 --> 00:22:13.599 So God showed me the connection to my mom. 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:15.519 I forgave my mom. 00:22:16.240 --> 00:22:17.920 Forgave my dad. 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:21.759 Now, did it go from this to this in a day? 00:22:22.079 --> 00:22:22.400 No. 00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:27.359 Once I started to realize what was going on, it just started to go like this. 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:32.079 And after it got about halfway down, it's probably when I told her about it. 00:22:32.319 --> 00:22:35.039 Oh, by the way, I know my reactions aren't very good. 00:22:35.359 --> 00:22:38.960 I didn't tell her until it was down about halfway when I felt safe. 00:22:39.839 --> 00:22:51.119 But the thing I'm trying to say to you is I had to figure out what was causing me to react the way I was. 00:22:51.519 --> 00:23:01.279 Because what I had to dec to what I had decided is it wasn't her fault that I was reacting the way I was. 00:23:01.599 --> 00:23:03.440 Say yes if that makes sense. 00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:06.799 You know what saddens me when I do marriage counseling? 00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:22.319 Often, when I say often, I mean like 60, 70% of the time, in your marriage, in your family, in your friendships, you're punishing each other for something that was done to you before you ever met each other. 00:23:23.200 --> 00:23:31.279 You're holding the person in your marriage or family or current relationships responsible for something that someone else did. 00:23:31.440 --> 00:23:36.000 Listen to me, potentially 30, 40, 50 years ago. 00:23:36.720 --> 00:23:39.680 And they might be in the grave. 00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:44.799 And they're still controlling your reactions. 00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:46.799 So what do you do about all this? 00:23:46.880 --> 00:23:48.240 Next slide, please, sir. 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:53.440 This is some, I think there's four points, and this is how you begin to do this. 00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:56.480 Learn to monitor and manage your B. 00:23:56.640 --> 00:23:58.559 Remember, A, B, C. 00:23:58.960 --> 00:24:02.079 Can you make outside events always do what you want them to? 00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:05.359 Can you make all the people around you act the way you want them to act? 00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:07.839 Dumb place to try to go to work. 00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:10.319 But I want to control my C. 00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:11.839 I want to control my response. 00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:13.440 Well, you can't control A. 00:24:13.920 --> 00:24:16.720 I don't think you can directly manage C. 00:24:17.039 --> 00:24:18.559 So where should you go to work? 00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:19.200 B. 00:24:19.359 --> 00:24:20.319 What is B? 00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:24.480 B is that zone of thinking and remembering. 00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:26.880 Thinking and remembering. 00:24:27.440 --> 00:24:35.440 And here's what I really want to challenge you to do: start paying attention to what's going on inside of you. 00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:42.000 Start being aware of what you're saying to yourself. 00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:49.039 Why a situation when you really look at it is a two, but your response was a five. 00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:56.480 See, sometimes I'm in a counseling situation and the husband or wife has done something that truly was hurtful. 00:24:56.960 --> 00:25:03.680 How many of you know on the surface, darling, I'm on my way home with groceries, I got to take the kids to gymnastics, I could really use some help. 00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:05.759 Would you please meet me at the house and help me? 00:25:05.920 --> 00:25:09.119 How many of you know for a husband to say, nah, I can't do it? 00:25:09.279 --> 00:25:10.720 That deserves a response. 00:25:10.880 --> 00:25:11.920 Yes or no? 00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:14.319 It deserves a response. 00:25:14.640 --> 00:25:23.039 But if the response automatically goes from a two to a five, now, it could be based on history, could be based on a lot of things. 00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:31.359 But the point is, if your data's not correct, you're going to respond very, very poorly. 00:25:31.440 --> 00:25:32.559 And what are you going to do? 00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:38.160 You're going to create a whole new cycle that you're going to become trapped in with one another. 00:25:38.400 --> 00:25:40.240 So what if you just say, you know what? 00:25:40.480 --> 00:25:42.400 He doesn't normally do that. 00:25:42.720 --> 00:25:44.960 There's got to be a reason. 00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:47.119 What just happened? 00:25:48.240 --> 00:25:50.000 I just managed my response. 00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:57.359 Now, if I get home and he was sitting there doing nothing but drinking coffee, I might go from a two to a two and a half. 00:25:58.160 --> 00:26:02.640 But I'm not going to go to a five just because I feel like I can. 00:26:02.960 --> 00:26:03.519 Why? 00:26:03.759 --> 00:26:04.960 Because I don't want to do that. 00:26:05.039 --> 00:26:08.400 I want to learn to manage what's going on in my being. 00:26:08.559 --> 00:26:09.759 Next one, please, sir. 00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:11.519 This is a big one. 00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:14.400 Process hurtful experiences. 00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:17.599 When do most of these happen? 00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:20.400 Childhood. 00:26:21.680 --> 00:26:31.519 When I taught some of this stuff at my home church, a dear friend of mine, some of our favorite friends, have been with us for 25 years. 00:26:31.839 --> 00:26:36.400 And they're on my highlight reel of Christianity. 00:26:36.880 --> 00:26:45.039 I got to know them years ago when he was an alcoholic, and her friend, who was my secretary, asked me if I would meet with this lady. 00:26:45.119 --> 00:26:46.319 So I met with this lady. 00:26:46.480 --> 00:26:50.720 Well, when I taught on this, she came up and shared her story. 00:26:50.880 --> 00:26:52.559 And this was her story. 00:26:53.440 --> 00:26:58.240 Here she was in counseling with me now, trying to get their marriage working. 00:26:58.400 --> 00:27:00.000 Her husband's an alcoholic. 00:27:00.240 --> 00:27:03.119 And she would react violently. 00:27:03.680 --> 00:27:06.000 I don't mean, you know, she just felt a little bad. 00:27:06.079 --> 00:27:08.079 I mean violently. 00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:10.160 Cussing, hitting. 00:27:10.559 --> 00:27:15.599 When he would come up, smelling of alcohol, and want to be affectionate. 00:27:16.160 --> 00:27:18.799 She would react violently. 00:27:19.680 --> 00:27:29.599 And she kind of was getting a handle on the fact that, you know, I don't like his drinking, blah, blah, blah, but it's a three, and my response is an eight. 00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:31.759 What is that all about? 00:27:31.920 --> 00:27:40.400 Well, through a series of God encounters, she remembered something she had, listen, forgotten. 00:27:40.960 --> 00:27:43.279 How many of you know you never really forget anything? 00:27:43.519 --> 00:27:48.480 Forgetting is really just forgetting that you remember or where you put it. 00:27:48.720 --> 00:27:50.000 But it was still affecting her. 00:27:50.160 --> 00:27:51.599 Well, here's what she remembered. 00:27:51.839 --> 00:27:56.079 She remembered when she was about seven or eight years old with a group of her friends. 00:27:56.319 --> 00:28:03.440