In the Lobby Podcast
Dissecting Relationships, Embracing Therapy, and Defying Dating Stigmas
Have you ever dissected the intricate layers of relationships or pondered the delicate dance of self-discovery and partnership? Strapping on our boots for a heartfelt journey, we delve into the expectations that can either forge or fracture bonds. Our conversation is a raw look into the non-negotiables that define our quest for love, from an unyielding sense of self to the balance of shared passions and the kind of unconditional love that respects personal boundaries. We dismantle societal molds, like the outdated trophy wife, championing the importance of being equal partners in the narrative of our lives.
Navigating the tumultuous seas of dating, intelligence, and therapy, we bare our souls about the importance of intellectual parity in our partners and the solace found in 'us against the world' solidarity. The complexities of private struggles within relationships come to light, underscoring the role therapy plays as a confidential sanctuary. As we reveal our vulnerabilities, we highlight the transformative power of therapist-client connections, parallel to the unpredictable journey of finding 'the one.'
We confront the stigmas attached to dating, from gold-digging accusations to navigating significant age disparities, and embrace the freedom of scripting our futures. By celebrating the rich diversity of life's rhythms, we affirm that whether it's finding love or starting a family, there's no such thing as being behind schedule.
This episode is brought to you by Thursday.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
You can follow In the Lobby Podcast: @inthelobbypod
You can follow Cassandra Jean:
@paininmycass_
You can follow Roger Braxton:
@arrogee
Have you ever dissected the intricate layers of relationships or pondered the delicate dance of self-discovery and partnership? Strapping on our boots for a heartfelt journey, we delve into the expectations that can either forge or fracture bonds. Our conversation is a raw look into the non-negotiables that define our quest for love, from an unyielding sense of self to the balance of shared passions and the kind of unconditional love that respects personal boundaries. We dismantle societal molds, like the outdated trophy wife, championing the importance of being equal partners in the narrative of our lives.
Navigating the tumultuous seas of dating, intelligence, and therapy, we bare our souls about the importance of intellectual parity in our partners and the solace found in 'us against the world' solidarity. The complexities of private struggles within relationships come to light, underscoring the role therapy plays as a confidential sanctuary. As we reveal our vulnerabilities, we highlight the transformative power of therapist-client connections, parallel to the unpredictable journey of finding 'the one.'
We confront the stigmas attached to dating, from gold-digging accusations to navigating significant age disparities, and embrace the freedom of scripting our futures. By celebrating the rich diversity of life's rhythms, we affirm that whether it's finding love or starting a family, there's no such thing as being behind schedule.
This episode is brought to you by Thursday.
Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
You can follow In the Lobby Podcast: @inthelobbypod
You can follow Cassandra Jean:
@paininmycass_
You can follow Roger Braxton:
@arrogee
Roger, I feel like you're probably not having fun with me today because we got in here and I've been so moody.
Speaker 2:I think today is one of those days where you are existing in your own right and power and I'm totally fine and flexible.
Speaker 1:I know you're always so good to me, but I thought it'd be fun if we did an episode where we got to know each other a little bit more.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of card games that you can play, like whether it be before you go out, after you go out and you get to uncover more about somebody. So I take this on to be a little bit of that as well. This can be that episode where our audience gets to learn more about us and we get to ask those uncomfortable questions that we probably just don't want to answer. Except we're doing it here, live.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that's funny because I think I was with you the other day talking about a guy I was talking to.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You sent me a link to an Amazon book.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:What is?
Speaker 2:that book. The book is like and to be honest with you, I don't know the name, but I do know you ask. You basically ask these assessment of questions, or these variation of questions that lead you to decide whether or not this person is your perfect partner, and if they answer them all correct, it has typically worked to be like 100% correct.
Speaker 1:Really For like a successful marriage For a successful marriage and or relationship. Yeah, wow.
Speaker 2:That's actually crazy.
Speaker 1:That's crazy. Okay, so like when you're looking for someone, what is like wifey vibes to you. What does that mean?
Speaker 2:It's a great question because I think it changes for everybody and I think for me. I have like three things that I'm always looking for that just have to. I don't want them to be like this toolbox answer. I want it to be custom to each and every person so they are their own selves. But the first one is I love a great sense of self, like that person has to know who they are and I don't want them to be delivering that to me as I'm delivering who I am, and then we have this version of like. As my identity grows and changes, as I'm just going throughout life, they feel like they need to adapt to me. I don't want them to be a chameleon, I want them to be their own selves. You can be a reptile and shed skin, fine and grow and become your own new person, but I don't want you to adapt to me and become me. That's never.
Speaker 1:Really yes.
Speaker 2:I don't want that.
Speaker 1:Okay, I want to hear the rest of this. Yeah, I find this interesting because I feel like there are certain men that want their woman to be like a side piece not a side piece, but they don't.
Speaker 2:They want them to be like the Robin to their Batman. Yeah, yes.
Speaker 1:Which I in some ways. I guess it is hard to have two main characters, but I don't want to just be like the On the sidelines of someone else's story.
Speaker 2:No, and I think for me it's like, for example, high school. I went to an all-boy school for high school and a lot of I don't even want to say friends, but people I associated with, they would have what was like a I forget the term that was loosely used, but it was not right. It was definitely a term that did not seem very well fitting, but it did match the way in which people's behavior was, and it was like this version of a trophy wife.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right, I don't want that. I want a level of depth with whoever I'm with. I want you to have your own things you like, have your moments where you're like I don't want to be around you, I'm going to go do my own thing.
Speaker 1:That's me and you today, because you probably does not want to be around me.
Speaker 2:You don't bother me at all, like I love it, like you're very stern and powerful in who you are, but you're not mean, like I just think I don't know how many people can handle certain types of personalities and your personality is totally fine with me, like I don't mind it at all. So whoever can't? God?
Speaker 1:bless you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm sorry she hurt your feelings, but I'm sure she meant it in the nicest way. But that's the first thing for me. Like I want them to have a great sense of self. The next thing is is I enjoy being active? So active can be very different. Like I want you to have a sense of enjoying physical activity, like I like to get up and do things. You know, whatever that's going to be you could like construction work, badminton, whatever I want to make sure that she enjoys that to the highest regard and we can enjoy that together, whatever that may be of her choosing.
Speaker 2:And then the last thing is one that I've really struggled with, because I don't know if I've always delivered it back the same way that I want it.
Speaker 2:But I appreciate a sense of kind of like unconditional love. Right, because unconditional love is one that feels very warm and it feels very, not provider like, but just very flexible. But sometimes I think when we want that, it's asking something of someone that's not fair, because unfortunately, relationships are conditional and they do come with conditions and if you're not meeting certain conditions then it can end. So it's almost like an odd understanding where you have to be accepting of that where you say, okay, maybe it's not the forever relationship and what I want is this form of unconditional love, but maybe I should change that outlook to say I'm going to love you so unconditionally that you feel a great sense of not even like providing financially, but just a great sense of stage and availability for you that you would want to give me that same thing back. And it still can be conditional and have its level of boundary to it as well at the same time.
Speaker 1:I love that you said that, because I have a hard time looking at like on conditional versus conditional love.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's hard.
Speaker 1:Because we all want unconditional love, absolutely. And then we've talked to people about this, you and I and love does have conditions, but maybe it doesn't when you're loving someone fully, with your whole heart.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And just admitting love. Yes, that is the love that you're giving away is the love that you're going to get back in return, hopefully.
Speaker 2:And then it becomes like a power thing. When you're trying to demand that from someone, to say, I want you to give me unconditional love, instead it starts with you and you have to give that unconditional love and then that person will give it back and, as I just said, like I've had trouble with that, like I had a level of expectation from other people where that's not right. But you learn through practice, you learn through making a mistake, you learn through not doing it correctly when you want it right. Like what's it saying? You know what you know or you don't know what you don't know?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like it's like you're going to learn and you have to learn somehow.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's my answer. What is yours?
Speaker 1:Like. Well, first of all, I can't even remember what the question was, because that's how ADHD I am, but like I do have to say, like thinking about some of your answers to that question, like just in regards to like the trophy wife and like conditional love.
Speaker 2:The question is what do you look for?
Speaker 1:Yeah, right.
Speaker 2:What do you look for in a partner?
Speaker 1:Like. For me it would be like, I think, first and foremost laughter.
Speaker 2:Love that.
Speaker 1:Which sounds really funny. But I know that when I find someone and I'm just like uncontrollably like laughing and feeling like a little schoolgirl.
Speaker 2:That's sweet.
Speaker 1:That's what I want. Is I want laughter?
Speaker 2:I feel like, you want to enjoy yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just like. Cass needs to laugh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean it's. That's fair, it makes sense.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like laughter is the best medicine.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I truly believe that I feel like laughter is love at its highest form.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's more of I'm not meaning to cut you off, I'm more or less just kind of like looking off in the distance, because it's one of those moments where every time you think about laughing with someone, it's kind of like the happiest, most cheekiest moment you have with that person and it does feel really good. So that is a very fair statement to make.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so that's like the first thing is like someone that can make me laugh, and then the second thing I think would be height, which is really I love it.
Speaker 2:You're serious.
Speaker 1:This is just me being truthful. I know, you know and I was talking.
Speaker 2:In the lobby audience. She is dead serious, I'm dead serious.
Speaker 1:And this is so hard for me being a tall woman, because there's a stat that 14% of men only 14% are over six foot tall.
Speaker 2:You already got limited percentiles to work with.
Speaker 1:Well, six foot tall and make over $100,000. And that's not saying that they're not overweight, completely hideous, married or whatever else is going on and I mean I had to come with terms that I'm over here laughing.
Speaker 2:This shit is funny.
Speaker 1:And it sounds bad that something that's so physically based is a non-negotiable, but I have a really hard time being attracted to short guys.
Speaker 2:I mean there's also something to it. Like to be very fair in your answer. You are tall.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like you are very tall, so I can only imagine that feeling. It's fair. I'm not saying something that if you were not in a position where you're, you're darn near six foot right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's the other thing, though, too, is because I think my third one is like safety. Yeah, and being a tall one, I'm serious.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Like to me, like I'm just going to feel less feminine if I'm not dating someone taller than me.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:I'm not being tall. I still want someone that makes me feel like little and being mean and soft.
Speaker 2:So do you appreciate like that version of whomever you're with, they allow you to kind of like one turn off, but to feel like they have you from a sense of like a protective glove, like or like? Explain it to me, cause, like I want to understand it further than me just being tall myself, like sure, I'm tall and I can answer that checkbox for certain people, but it's more or less. I'm trying to understand, like where does it stem from? Like why?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think there's like maybe I can't think of the term for it, but it's like you know, for myself I want someone better than me.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:And that encompasses many different things, probably for me, and one of them would be taller, stronger, more intelligent, makes more money than me.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:And you know that's a little bit tough when I'm already.
Speaker 2:It is. I mean, you do well.
Speaker 1:Five, 10, 5, 11 and make six figures.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's true.
Speaker 1:Most of the men aren't even at that level. And then that's not even talking about like emotional, intellectual intelligence, and this might sound wrong for me to say, but no, nothing's wrong. I've never, it's our podcast. No, really that girl cast. She's so full of herself. But I've never doubted my own like intelligence, and I know that there's a lot of women that are like hard on themselves about their intellectual capabilities. I'll beat myself all day long if my skin's breaking out or if.
Speaker 1:I don't like my outfit or whatever, but I've always fully believed that I'm smart, like I just always had that self-concept of myself.
Speaker 2:And you are.
Speaker 1:That's sweet. Thank you, so I don't just sound like a dumbass.
Speaker 2:No no.
Speaker 1:It's always the not smart people saying they're smart.
Speaker 2:But I've had the luxury one to work with you and now working with you as a business partner, like you are really, really bright.
Speaker 1:So that's really sweet, but I feel like I have a hard time dating because Because of that. I want someone to meet me at my intellectual level. So that third piece, the safety, is it's wanting someone better than me, and being tall probably plays into that safety piece. The financial stability plays into that safety piece. And then, furthermore, the one thing the Bible says about relationships which I'm not even like, the most like religious person.
Speaker 1:I'm open-minded, is that. Pick a partner that you'll go to battle with, and I think Chris Willis has brought this up on.
Speaker 2:That's so well said.
Speaker 1:Yeah, on his podcast, and I've had partners before that like would throw me under the bus to their girlfriends.
Speaker 2:I hear you.
Speaker 1:That we're friends of theirs and not have my back.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I'm like that's not okay with me.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:I want someone that's like that's my girl, yes, and we're gonna go fight this shit together.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Almost like and this might be because I've read a lot of books Sure, it's almost on the morally kind of gray level when I'm less concerned about everyone else in the world and what else is going on. As long as I'm like me and you, we've got each other and we're gonna go fuck it up. However, we need to fuck it up together.
Speaker 2:It's like that us against the world mentality.
Speaker 1:Yeah, which is kind of dark.
Speaker 2:No, I mean I've seen some media coverage on it and I will say like it's a bit of that villain mind state and when you're in that villain mind state you can accomplish great things.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:As long as you don't have that perspective, I'm like going to walk your dog. You're not a villain, you're walking your dog. Yeah, you're going to the grocery store. You're not going in there as Batman like you're going to walk your dog.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Or you're going to get your groceries.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's just like there's a time and a place for that mentality. I think, yeah, but I love it, I really do, and I think it brings on so many more questions that I'd probably ask. But for me I would say it resonates with something of definitely that locker room theory, like keeping your relationship in house, like if your relationship is exposed to everybody, there's versions of forgiveness that may come from you to your partner, but once you expose other people to it, they don't forgive the same way and they, like you can be. You can find yourself in a position of regretting opening up to certain people because they're not going to receive that same experience, the same way, right. And when you forgive that person, they're like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We just hated that person a week ago. I still hate them and they don't forgive them as fast or they don't forgive them at all or ever.
Speaker 2:So I totally hear you on that.
Speaker 1:I've gone off on some of my girlfriends boyfriends after they have told me things.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm like I gotta go protect this woman, Exactly I get feisty, but that's why you have to be what you're saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You have to be so cautious who you're sharing.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Your like intimate relationship.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Things with, and that's why I almost kind of wonder, I'm like, are you just better off just talking to like a therapist, yes, about your relationship, and then that way you have a safe space where you can share everything that's going on, and then it's not like affecting? Your friends, you're protecting your relationship, keeping it in house.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think therapy is. It's crucial for everyone, but it's also it's hard to find a good therapist, cause sometimes a therapist can warp your mind state and I can't speak from any bias or anything like that Like, I don't have that experience, but I will say it's like if you can find that therapist that you can really lean on emotionally it helps, it really does, and it allows you to avoid some of that Like cause. I don't know if your parents are the ones that should receive that burden, your friends, your doctor, your lawyer, like none of that really coincides with them and what they are in your life for to some degree, I would say, but I don't know that.
Speaker 1:Maybe that's where my bias comes in no, no, you're spot on, and I feel like even finding a therapist is like dating yes, cause you're not always going to find the right therapist.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And see I've been lucky, and I'll just say this is like my personal life.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I've gone to therapy since I was 16.
Speaker 2:Love it.
Speaker 1:I've had the first few therapists I tried out I literally like barged out of the therapy session. We were not compatible. And then my therapist who I have now. I've been seeing her since I was 16.
Speaker 2:Love.
Speaker 1:And it's gotten to a point, though, where I'm like so close with her I'm like I think I need to get a new one.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Cause you kind of do grow with your therapist and then sometimes you need, like an outside perspective For sure, and that's healthy to say as well.
Speaker 2:Like I think, whenever it comes to dating and relationships, it's important to have therapy, but I think you don't want to like overcompensate for still being human. Like you still want to be yourself right. Like you don't want to become a shadow identity of your therapist your therapist should be there to bounce things off of and offer a sense of reflection, but, like you, shouldn't be an identical version of them and I feel like that's versions of what you're saying. If I'm accepting what you're saying correctly.
Speaker 1:I mean, I think honestly for me personally. I've gotten to the same therapist for so long that I consider her a friend which is maybe the wrong thing to say, Cause I know she's my therapist, but we've literally like she started her practice. I was her first client. I've seen her for 10 years. So I mean she's met my mom, she's met my sister. So it's almost at a point where there's things I want to tell her, but I don't want to tell her because she's been in my life for so long that I don't want her to think negatively of something I'm going to say.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I feel uncomfortable talking about my sex life with her because I'm like. This woman has known me since I'm 16. And now I'm talking about this or that or whatever so.
Speaker 2:Well, okay. So then that will kind of lead me to another question. I think would be great for our audience and as well as even me understanding.
Speaker 1:I know we're honestly like learning a lot about each other.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I'm like I want to make sure I get the question correct, because I'm I really do want to know the answer, cause I think I have a lot to say for it as well. How do you feel about where you grew up, which we know is Austin, and how does that shape your dating experiences?
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness, I feel so many things about the Austin dating scene and I feel like it's a little bit tough for my opinion on the Austin dating scene, cause I'm a bit of an anomaly.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think I'm not dating as much as I should be, but I've had phases that I've gone through where I was dating a lot and it didn't work out. But I feel like, because I'm a 29 year old woman, I have this like innate fear of turning 30 and being single, like it scares the fuck out of me.
Speaker 2:And what scares me You'll live, oh God.
Speaker 1:I'll get five cats. What scares me even more is that I don't want to leave Austin. It's my home, but the dating scene here is so bad.
Speaker 2:It's tough.
Speaker 1:And I don't know if that's just my perspective, and I can't think it's that way, cause I hear from so many people how bad the dating scene is here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean me outside coming in for sure it's wild, it's very different.
Speaker 1:But I also feel like, at the same time, in the last few months, I've been on some of the most beautiful dates with some of the nicest human beings.
Speaker 2:Love that.
Speaker 1:Men who are actually like gentlemanly pick me up and congrats yeah. They're good guys and there's been a few of them that like wanted to be in relationships, and in those situations I was more of the avoidant one.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:And you know that worries me because you know Austin has the Peter Pan. Syndrome and I went to my mom about this too. I was like mom, what's wrong with me? Like there's these great options. Like this guy went to an Ivy League, this guy has a good job, this guy is six foot five.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But that at the end of the day, it wasn't even really super physically Attracted to any of them.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it might be my own issue of always being drawn to chemistry and Like that feeling. Yeah that sometimes maybe isn't the healthiest feeling sure with someone, but I don't. I think I deserve To have that feeling with someone I'm gonna be with for the rest of my life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you deserve everything. One like that's anybody right. Yeah, I think everybody deserves to have anything and everything they want my eyes like lit up.
Speaker 2:Like you definitely do, but it's. It's so interesting for me to hear that perspective because I think it aligns with some of that like opposite experience, where You're really looking for that specific feeling and that feeling will motivate or recharge your battery every day For a lifetime with that person, and that's that's when you talk about it. That's actually really sweet. Like that is really the way I, in most people, probably, envision love. So I think it's nice that you hold on to that. Yeah, it definitely makes sense. For sure, I don't think there's anything off in that. I think that's pretty cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I mean I, your body, tells you when you like someone. Yeah, I'm not even talking about like in a weird no. Sexual way like yeah like I'm like giggling, like I'm dressing nicer, yeah, I'm gonna be around them like your body will tell you if you should or should not be around somebody.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes.
Speaker 1:What about you like the the Austin dating scene?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think it's. It's been very interesting for me, like and I think I not, I think I know I've said it in another episode that it's been a version of like a stomping ground, but also like a place where I've learned and grown, which I love. I love that Back in New York I had very different experiences and, as I said, I went to an all-boy school for high school, so like there wasn't the same exposure or the same timeline of experience as some other people may be aligned with. But I will say my upbringing plays a lot into my comfortability but it does not play a lot into Maybe my selection right and I'll give that answer with some greater clarity of, I mean, the town I grew up in was like predominantly Irish Catholic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so it's like I grew up in a predominantly Caucasian area, so me being a product of my environment, that is what I've. I've witnessed or seen or been around of the opposite sex, like growing from the same age as me to an adult. So I have comfortability there. Like there's a level of comfort, of interaction and engagement that I have there, but that doesn't mean that I'm aligned with like that's all that I'm attracted to, or like I've dated other races and other people and I'm.
Speaker 2:I think it plays a part in like where I grew up, plays a part into my experiences of like in Austin there's maybe 20 black guys right.
Speaker 2:Like there's not a lot, and I think some people have a very different experience than maybe me, because I just have a sense of, hey, like I grew up around this, like those indifferent numbers, and it's sad to say that I can find comfort in that. But also it's also it's a bit of a superpower, like I'm like, yeah, it's, it's fine, like I'm gonna go about my business and operate my very normal self and if I find someone that I'm attracted to, hey, let's have a conversation. But that doesn't dictate the idea to say, oh, I only like one specific type of person, because that's just not true. Yeah, and I know we've covered that on another episode as well where If there was a different environment, you know like there's different levels of engagement that you could have with other people. So it's just affected my dating to where I find Comfortability and some uncomfortable environments right, and I think Austin is a very uncomfortable dating environment is.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't feel like it's that diverse.
Speaker 2:It's not so.
Speaker 1:That's where I feel like cupcake dating. Exactly it's like, so it can't be like New York, like the melting pot. It's like here's another cupcake and here's a blog and here's Chad.
Speaker 2:Literally. So you get yourself to this point where, if you really don't know who you are, sometimes people's experiences with you in that segment can Shape you. But it's like I'm very comfortable on who I am. I know exactly who I am and Whether I date one person versus another, that's not going to determine how I feel about myself.
Speaker 1:Instead, it's just, it's my environment, that's just what you're you have exposure to or option with yeah, do you have like a physical type that you're attracted to Like, do you like blondes or brunettes, like obviously one's better than the other?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm not gonna say I think for me, I'm very open to either, but Even all the way down a body type, I'm open to that as well. It's more of I have to be able to, like I have to be able to communicate with somebody, like I have to be able to know that they know who they are. And Like almost the going to battle thing you brought up, like if I'm going to battle with you, I need to know, like hey, we can Disagree about a topic yesterday, but that doesn't determine our tomorrow right.
Speaker 2:Or I can have great depths with you in a conversation and we can disagree and then the next day or the next hour Going to something else and have fun. I just have to be able to connect with somebody and if I can't connect, disconnect and reconnect, yeah, like we're gonna have a problem and it's. It doesn't matter what you look like, like you could be a Super model and I'll. I will lose interest, like that. Yeah, yeah, the. Those are my questions at the moment. I want to see do you have any questions that you want to learn more about?
Speaker 1:From you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I just asked you like a physical type.
Speaker 2:Okay, so then okay but I mean. I'll ask you one thing what are your faults and where have you gone wrong in prior relationship?
Speaker 1:Oh shit. Well, you're probably experiencing all the time Kind of a no at all. Okay you know, but I also feel like you know the way I treat you as my work husband Is a little bit different than how I treat people in relationship. Okay, so I guess you're asking like my biggest fault.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like what were your faults in prior relationships? Or or ones that you feel like you feel from yeah, I mean, it's about dating.
Speaker 1:So I feel like my biggest fault In my Relationship the first one was not walking away when I should have.
Speaker 2:I hear I can connect with that one pieces of this.
Speaker 1:So the first one is I didn't walk away when I should have, and what happened in that situation is my ex put his friends above my sister and they were bullying my sister, and my sister is like probably one of the first loves of my life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so sorry, sis.
Speaker 1:I know I had her back. Yeah, you know, of course but that was this a sign for me that in this relationship, this man is not going to protect me, he's not gonna protect my family and if he's gonna, let his friends. Dictate some of that and not stand up for someone that I consider to be his sister as well. Yeah that was the.
Speaker 1:I should have walked away then huge red flag and I did it yeah and then the second piece, and this is my own fault, is I but and I can do this, I was probably doing this earlier today with you, sure, as I can be very demeaning, yeah, and I feel like where that came from in my previous relationship and it makes me really sad Because I'm such a lover girl.
Speaker 2:I mean, you are so sweet.
Speaker 1:I really am like when I love someone, I pour into them so much and I'm almost like Like fucking Harley Quinn, like I'll go jump. I'll go jump into the.
Speaker 2:This is funny.
Speaker 1:I'll jump off a cliff for someone if I love them. I'm like delusional on that level.
Speaker 2:But sweet, that's really sweet.
Speaker 1:I was like a little bit demeaning with my ex because there was a point where he didn't have a job.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was working my corporate job. I was also working at Nordstrom. Yeah he was basically living with me, had his own place but was living with me, not helping me with rent. And this is I'm not trying to like throw my no I is under the bus. I actually have a lot of respect and love for him, still in my own ways.
Speaker 2:You. I asked a specific question, so you're asking the question. You speak highly of them in other lights.
Speaker 1:So that's fair, yeah. But when I had to take on this like provider role and I'm going to work I'm working two jobs, I'm driving us in my car everywhere. You're not fucking me, you're not communicating with me, I I just started being really demeaning to him sure and it makes me sad because I'm sure that was very emasculating. Oh yeah and I never Wanted to do that to my partner, and I don't even know how it got to that point.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean I think. So you bring up a great point of like life was happening to that man. Yeah and a way that he was doing probably his very best to keep up with right and and yeah, oh, okay, so.
Speaker 1:Give you more clarity.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Because this person my, my previous person, I was in a relationship with sure. I believed in him fully. Yeah like I said, I would jump off a cliff. I loved him so much and I'm not gonna date someone I think is not intelligent or not Capable of things, so I held on forever. I was like I see potential in this person. Yeah they're gonna be something. We're a Batman and Robin. We can build an empire. Take on the world together. So that's what I originally believed got it.
Speaker 1:But after a while, where I'm doing all this work work on myself, going to my job, having a second income and he's sitting on the couch every day and then spending his money on alcohol, going out, harding with friends.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And if he was trying to do something with his time, that would have been everything to me for sure like, like, oh, I did this, I'm working on this. Don't worry, baby, I've got us if we're gonna get there. Yeah that's not what was happening. Yeah, he was out Partying with his friends, drinking, finding new girlfriends doing different.
Speaker 2:That chat.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 2:But you know what? No, I think you're being very honest and you know what comes about. That is like I'm sure you were a part of his or I hope you were part of his growth and maturation to become a better person, because I'm sure him making that mistake and caring about you and loving you, he probably Unfortunately hurt the wrong person and in doing so, it hurt him back as well. So what I hope for is that he learned and Grew from that, because if he doesn't, that's really not okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because we look, everybody makes mistakes right. I'm sure what you could look at it from male to female. Whatever, I've made mistakes, other people made mistakes. You don't want someone to forever live in that. I just I really hope that he learned from it and I think he has cuz it like.
Speaker 1:I think. I mean, I don't know, yeah talk to him, but I believe that he's like successful now and I'm like all, I would hope yeah. When I met the man, he literally slept on a mattress in an apartment like. So I feel like I did do something Good for him. Yeah and I feel like this happens to a lot of women, where we of course build someone up.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Then they drop us and move on, and then the next one they act correctly for yeah.
Speaker 2:I think that's a bit that almost relates a little bit to my answer, where I think I have this bad habit of wanting to build or or help people get to their next level you see the potential exactly. I see the potential people and I fight for that and now I'll do it at any cost, and sometimes that cost is even myself.
Speaker 1:Is that what happened with your? Oh yeah thanks, did you see, and we were not, we're gonna. I'm just about past exit. I hear you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've had. You know what it is. I think I just had a really amazing experience of witnessing love with my parents, of Like what they wanted for each other and the way they had this like Unconditional kind of like backing for each other, no matter what. Like mind you, things have gone on in life like everybody has their own Wrongs and rights, that they do, but they always like really do figure it out and fight for each other, which is just it's really warm to witness.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's also toxic because me, as an adult, I can't expect that from someone who's not my wife, right? I can't expect that from someone I've dated for two months, four months, six months, a year, two years, three years, five, seven, doesn't matter. That person is not my wife, so I can't have that same level of expectation. But I will see the potential in somebody and be like you know what, let's go on this journey together, work towards that, and Then I'm putting aside all these other things that I may need and I'm hurting myself and then, as I'm hurting myself, I'll, then I Can potentially act on that hurt, right, and it's it comes, it all, while it all comes from a good place. It's never Okay yeah like cuz.
Speaker 2:I'm still hurting myself. Build no, I'm not a, I'm not.
Speaker 1:When they're, when this is like happening in those situations.
Speaker 2:Yeah what?
Speaker 1:what is? What happens if these needs aren't being met?
Speaker 2:Did they just build and build. And I'll either act out right, like I've this is a fault of mine. I've acted out when I I did need something which is not fair, not right. Take full accountability for that. But I Will say it's probably Like, what is the feeling like to give you an answer? I'm like I almost feel like the kid in, like an empty room, and I'm like this, like All right, so I'm hurting myself. Now, you know like I like I realize it. And then, when I realize it, I'm like so what are we gonna do? And I do nothing, and that's like it's not okay, it's still bad.
Speaker 2:But I will say there are some people that I've met in my life that really have done amazing works on just like Helping me reach new heights of myself and as well as they're doing it for themselves. And it's those people that I feel really bad, if I've ever heard them. Because as you go on in life, you just want to be the best possible person you can be, but you have to make mistakes and unfortunately that comes at a cost of hurting Maybe a person, place or thing, and I really, really my heart goes out to those moments that I may have ever caused for anyone else. But I've forever on that path to try to be better and that's probably my biggest fault, like of just seeing the potential of someone and wanting to work towards it.
Speaker 2:Yeah and doing it at any means necessary, and Then maybe another. I think I have another fault too. Yeah like I have this, this form of like holding on for people for too long, like I think you had said something like that, like not leaving when you should. Yeah, you're like I all know when the right time is to leave and then I won't leave, and that's so unhealthy, it's so bad.
Speaker 1:So if you're with anyone for like kind of set amount of time, it's so hard to walk away. Walk away, yeah.
Speaker 2:And you're like no, like I'm committed to that journey, Like I want to do this with you, and it just it's not, it's not good.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Cause I've had. That's where it's like, then the egg goes from them being on their face to then on your face, cause like you should have left. And then you're like no, well, this and this happened, okay, well, you decided to stay, yeah, and then it becomes like this game of back and forth and it's unfair and unhealthy to everybody.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think you've done the same game. I've done when you like break up, get back together, break up.
Speaker 2:I've actually had people do that to me. Okay, yeah, and I'm the one where I'm like I'll still fight, I'm like, no, no, no, I'll stay, I'll stay. And then it becomes toxic. Right, it becomes unhealthy. Ooh, it becomes not good, it's hard to walk away.
Speaker 1:But I do think one thing that you're saying is really interesting, when you're saying that you see the potential in people.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think there's a piece of that, though, that encompasses what love is.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Because, like when you're choosing to love someone, it's like you're choosing to see something so deeply within them that almost no one else is seeing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean you're going past that conditional state, right, right. And I think what I've grown to understand is that love is a contract and I'm looking for that or not anymore, but at a certain time you're looking for that moment to have a contractual agreement like, hey, we're going to go through thick and thin on this but the reality is is that some relationships that you have and experience are conditional.
Speaker 2:There are people that are married in conditional marriages and they know that. And the sooner you know it and become comfortable with it oh, now you've just won the game. Like you can operate a little bit more freely because you understand that person. You understand what you're actually set in Versus. If you're like one person is in La La Land saying like no, this is unconditional love. And the other person's like, oh, I'm conditionally invested in this. Like if you don't show up in XYZ way, like I'm done Once you get I think that's something that, like you got to find out first Like is this a conditional or unconditional love?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's, interesting.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm just even thinking about like the guys that I like get interested in.
Speaker 2:Like. What type of love are they focused on?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Conditional or unconditional?
Speaker 1:Well, cause you said you went to an all boys school.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Which, like that's interesting to me Cause I was at that was like high school.
Speaker 2:Yeah, high school.
Speaker 1:So did that cause I want to touch on this trophy wife stuff.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:Because I'm all about the bring back the Pilates wife movement.
Speaker 2:I love this.
Speaker 1:But before I talk about that, like I want to understand going to an all boys school, I feel like your perception of dating has to be a little bit different from it's skewed for sure that yeah.
Speaker 2:Because at some point like remember, there's a version of like trying to I think a lot of people are trying to impress other people rather than find someone that actually was settling for them. But it also did generate you to learn that lesson a lot sooner rather than later, because I think there's a lot of people that suffer in the city under that Peter Pan syndrome, where they're learning that lesson at 45, 50. And where it's like, hey, stop focusing on this and look at what you're really investing your time into and it allows you to, when you learn that lesson sooner, it allows you to really like focus on finding different types of people and looking for different things. I think that's where it helped me. But for sure, the trophy wife thing was like people are doing it for masculinity purposes rather than love sometimes.
Speaker 1:Right, interesting, yeah, yeah. So yeah, cause we were talking about trophy wives.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And like deep in my heart, I want to be one one day.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But this is another thing. Misconception about me.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of people think I'm a gold digger.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I'm not a gold digger.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Gold digger.
Speaker 2:Love that, love that. So, that's good.
Speaker 1:I mean cause I've always wanted to like build something with someone.
Speaker 2:Wow, I think I'm going to take that A gold digger.
Speaker 1:Gold digger.
Speaker 2:Love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Holy shit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Cause I want to build something with someone and more recently I was dating like a 45 year old.
Speaker 2:Sure.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you've ever dated anyone older.
Speaker 2:I have, and that was a terrible experience, really yes, this guy. They got me fired for my job.
Speaker 1:Oh, Well, that's not a good experience.
Speaker 2:No Terrible.
Speaker 1:Well, this guy was 45 and I'm 29. So it's kind of a big age gap, but, and he was like perfect on paper, except why is he single at 45?
Speaker 2:That is the great question that we should be asking for the older one.
Speaker 1:I never got far enough to figure that out.
Speaker 2:But the thing is, if I date someone that's that much older than me, I can't really build something with them, I mean, You're just up against a different clock, yeah, like your path is very different than their path, and if they're not accepting of that or you're not accepting of theirs, I think that's where that it's like. It becomes like power dynamic, right yeah?
Speaker 1:Well, there's, like some people who like very clearly plan their past.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know I'm a vision board girlie.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:I don't know. Have you thought about this? What does Roger want his future to look like? In terms of your relationship, marriage, when you want to have kids where you want to live, Do you ask yourself those deep questions so you can know if you're getting to where you want to be?
Speaker 2:I don't. I actually always used to trust kind of like a bit more of my gut instinct of like what that was. And now the older that I've gotten, probably in the most recent four years, I script everything. And I scripted out to the point of, like you have to write things into existence, you have to. You are the author of your own story. And I think, through therapy separate of therapy, making certain mistakes and wanting to be better and wanting to grow, honestly, I needed to figure out, like what is that great sense of self that I'm attracted into somebody else and what do I possess of that about myself? And I needed to answer those questions for myself of, like what does my future look like? What do I want it to look like? Where do I want? What weather do I want to live in? Yeah, like wildly simple things. Like just needed an answer.
Speaker 1:I think people don't ask themselves they don't, they forget.
Speaker 2:Remember I admitted, like I was a person who I don't know if I always answered those questions. I just kind of had that gut feeling or gut appeal of like well, I know, I'll know. And that's not how life always works.
Speaker 2:Like some people are lucky and they really are, and I love that for them, but I don't know if I'm going to be that one. So I needed to do some scripting and make sure I understood not scripting from a sense of acting, but I needed to understand what are the checkboxes that I need in my life and what are the checkboxes that I can provide for somebody else. Because if I know those two, building in that relationship and the foundation becomes a lot easier. Yeah, that's a great question.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That is a great question.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean I have a lot of guy friends, because guys are more logical.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And so I have quite a few guy friends.
Speaker 2:That's a great question. You should ask them all that question. You should ask yeah, see, I do. I do ask some of them.
Speaker 1:And some of them are so logical Like they're like in five years I'm going to have kids at 37. I'm going to be this. Yeah 38, this because they're very logical right.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:But I don't think life works that way.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Or it's never worked that way for me, Like even where I am right now in my life. I didn't think I'd be 29 years old, single.
Speaker 2:I hear you, me at 33, I will say I've had a lot of that same experience. But there's something my mother and father would tell me when I was studying. Actually, this is relative to a practice that they gave me. They were like you have 20 kids in the class, there's one kid that may need to study for 10 minutes and they're going to get an A. There's another kid that may need to study for an hour and they're going to get an A, and you may be that kid that studies for 10 minutes, an hour or eight hours or 20 hours.
Speaker 2:Whatever, the answer is that A is still possible for you and if you're going to go get that A, you need to know how you learn right and you need to be able to understand. It's a version of scripting, vision boarding. You have to know who you are in order to reach that A. So I think, as I've grown older and learned, it's like I have some friends that are married with multiple kids. I have some friends that have been married, divorced, have kids with two different people. I have some friends who aren't married. I have some friends who are in the military. The storylines just go on and on, but at the end of the day, whatever your end goal is, you can reach it If you want a family, a house and kids. Yeah, maybe I didn't find the person I was going to marry at 23. And I'm 33. And maybe I found them now and I took a different route, and that's OK.
Speaker 1:Do you feel like you're a late bloomer?
Speaker 2:I think so. Yeah, it's funny because I think I could relate this to a group chat with my guy friends. We have a hashtag that says hashtag peaked in high school. I think I've always been the guy who I became attractive later in life. I didn't get tattoos until later in life. I didn't figure out what I wanted until later in life. I did a bunch of transferring and, while some people may have thought it was because of this reason or that, no, I just didn't know what I wanted to do. And I've had other things that I needed to rise to the occasion for.
Speaker 2:I think you hit it right on the head. I mean sports. I played sports no-transcript I some positions I didn't want to play, so I would want to change the sport. I would just do all these different things because I've always been on this journey, I've looked at life as a journey and I've never been afraid to be wrong. So yes, in short, my answer is I definitely see myself as a late bloomer, but it has been one of those experiences that I will never change. I love it. I absolutely love it, cause I feel like the underdog in a lot of moments and then when I show up, people are like wait, hey, I counted him out.
Speaker 1:That's funny, because I feel like I'm a late bloomer too.
Speaker 2:Yes. And have you ever heard of this? And I definitely want to hear about you as well. I'm sorry, no, we can talk about it.
Speaker 1:But like there's this theory of like quantum leaping oh yes, have you heard of that? Because you and I, I feel like we just did this really big quantum leap together.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Whereas, like, we were manifesting this podcast and we didn't know how it was going to happen.
Speaker 2:And we missed of craziness.
Speaker 1:In a few years. We've talked about it and then all of a sudden it was like this quantum leap where it just happened all fast and like some people it might look like it happened really fast, but I know you and I have been like it was years in the making. Journaling, manifesting it, thinking about it. And then, all of a sudden it was like I don't know the doors opened up.
Speaker 2:It was like it's time for you to have this now 100% and it's like I don't know if you remember cause I know we went to my pool one time with one of my buddies and I used to have on my whiteboard or even like one of the glass doors in my apartment I had different names for the podcast, I had different themes for the podcast and it's like I just had to see it every day and that was a part of that vision board stuff. Or even like scripting, like I needed to write it out to understand like where am I going, where am I headed, why, and get those things answered and who do I trust to do that path with. So it's like, if there's anything I can say about all of it, I've never, ever, ever wanted another co-host other than you.
Speaker 1:That's so sweet, yeah, aw.
Speaker 2:Like I just I trust you. And I think, from that level of trust that's hard to find and, as we've clearly unloaded for everybody here in the audience, we've had our own issues as well and our own love lives respectfully right, and I think that plays into that part of like trusting other people, trusting other individuals with your heart and your future, where you know what. Luckily, I'm in a position where I don't need to date anymore, but I'm also in a position where that doesn't mean I trust everyone. Because of that right, I needed to figure out like, who do I trust, how do I trust, why do I trust? And you've really you've helped it with a lot of that. And I think this podcast is going to flourish because we're building it on the right bricks. We're not building it on nonsense.
Speaker 1:For sure. I mean, we've been friends, but I still feel like we're learning so much about each other, as we do this podcast, and that momentum's just gonna keep going.
Speaker 2:so it's up, it's all the way up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, even though we always say it's going down, it's all up.
Speaker 2:Well, we do know, like this is the only place where going down means it's going up, it's going up, yeah, so that's a great point. It brings us to the end of the podcast, and for this episode, I do wanna say it has been awesome to get a little bit more information about you as well, as well as having me offer me the stage to unload a little bit about myself.
Speaker 1:I love it. No, I feel like we should do we start doing like solo episodes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Have our guests do episodes together. This is good. It's gonna be fun. This is healthy, yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, we like to close out every episode with one saying and we always know what that is which is it's going down, it's going down.
Speaker 1:We'll see you in the lobby next week.
Speaker 2:We'll see y'all next week.
Speaker 1:Bye.
Speaker 2:I love this this episode is good.
