Building Your Foundation of Self—The Power of Nonjudgment

For the wakeful, one whose mind is quiet, whose thoughts are undisturbed, who has relinquished judgment and blame, there is no fear.
—Buddha

Today's talk continues the deep dive into Foundation of Self work with an in-depth review of nonjudgment, the lifeblood of this inner work. We explore why humans judge (the need for safety), the different types of judgment (appearance, sociability, morality), and how judgment often stems from survival instincts and projection of our own hidden aspects. 

You'll even have a chance to practice nonjudgment with yourself. 

Have a question? Comment? Email me at rachel@selftalkpodcast.com.

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xo RA

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Episode Breakdown 

0:00:25 - Episode Introduction

• Rachel introduces the topic of non-judgment

0:03:39 - Understanding Judgment

• Why humans judge and its survival purposes
• Three fundamental ways of judging: appearance, sociability, morality

0:05:00 - Carl Jung's Projection and Shadow Concept

• Explanation of how we project disowned parts of ourselves onto others

0:07:49 - Non-Judgment of Ourselves

Benefits of practicing non-judgment

• Avoiding comparison traps
• Creating connection with others
• Gaining clarity and peace of mind

0:11:16 - Imposter Syndrome and Self-Judgment

• Examples of negative self-talk
• Reframing techniques for self-judgment

0:14:14 - Why Non-Judgment is Vital in Self-Work

• How judgment stops personal progress
• Importance of gentle self-encouragement

0:16:41 - Non-Judgment Exercise

• Practical exercise for reframing self-judgmental thoughts
• Example of Rachel's personal reframing

0:17:50 - Closing Remarks

• Encouragement to be gentle with oneself
• Preview of next episode on awareness

(Courtesy of Otter.ai)

Write Your Self Open is a revolution in self-development that blends guided meditation, journaling, and supportive group discussion led by holistic psychotherapist Rachel Astarte.

It's all the benefits of personal transformation + community-building without the constraints of talk therapy.
Join anytime. No previous meditation or writing experience necessary.

http://writeyourselfopen.com

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

For the wakeful one, whose mind is quiet, whose thoughts are undisturbed, who has relinquished judgment and blame. There is no fear, the Buddha. Welcome to Self Talk. I'm Rachel Estarte. Thank you for being here Today.

Speaker 1 0:34

We're going to continue our discussion about the fundamentals of the foundation of self by talking about non-judgment. So grab your favorite notebook and your favorite pen and we'll dive in. Non-judgment is the lifeblood of foundation of self-work. But before we talk about non-judgment and how it plays such an important role in the building of our foundation of self, let's look for a minute at what judgment is and why we judge in the first place, at what judgment is and why we judge in the first place.

Speaker 1 1:10

Judgment of our surroundings is part of our safety and survival instinct. We're consciously or unconsciously sniffing out our environment all the time. What we want to know is this Are we safe? If we see something that doesn't seem right to us, our animal instinct causes us to pull back. So, for example, with people, should I get close to this person? Are they safe to me? Think of this you see someone at a party off in the corner alone, looking a bit menacing maybe, and you may decide to go over and say hello to that person. But you may also have a sense that this person may not want company or perhaps is even unsafe to approach. Respect also plays a part in why we judge others. Can I respect this person? Like being out to dinner with someone who's rude to the waitstaff? Can I respect a person who displays that kind of behavior? Is this a person I feel comfortable spending time with?

Speaker 1 2:10

And another reason that we judge is that we humans need to understand the world around us. In the 1950s, the Austrian psychologist Fritz Haider looked into this desire to understand our world. The result of that was his attribution theory, the process by which individuals explain the causes of behaviors and events, in other words, making sense of why people do what they do. Part of attribution theory is the concept of our perceived locus of causality. That's the origin of our perception, which can be internal or external. Are we judging based on something within us or outside of us? And we'll talk more about that in a minute.

Speaker 1 2:57

When we judge, we are mentally processing the causes of a behavior or an event so that we can feel safe in the world. It just comes naturally to us. Judging in itself is not inherently bad. We probably wouldn't even be here if our ancestors hadn't judged at some point Like, oh, there's that nice saber-toothed tiger over there, let me go pet it. And there goes our bloodline. Judging has a purpose the desire to be safe, the desire to survive. What we need is the skill to discern whether or not we are actually in danger. And with that in mind, let's take a look at how we judge. Mind, let's take a look at how we judge.

Speaker 1 3:43

Three fundamental ways we judge are based on appearance, sociability and morality. A basic example of how we judge based on appearance alone is the symbolism in old western films the guy in the white hat is good and the guy in the black hat is bad. Or that meat looks rotten, I better not eat it. Judgment based on sociability harks back to our animal nature. Again, the example we gave earlier. It's a pack mentality. If there's a member of the tribe that has isolated itself, it may be because of illness, so it's best to stay away With morality. We judge based on whether or not we believe someone else's beliefs in what is right and just align with our own. Now this brings us to that discernment part. Are we really in peril if we encounter someone whose beliefs don't align with our own.

Speaker 1 4:42

Carl Jung's concept of projection is a nice segue here. Carl Jung's a Swiss psychiatrist in the early 20th century. Anyway, here's what Carl Jung says Although our conscious minds are avoiding our own flaws, they still want to deal with them on a deeper level. So we magnify those flaws in others. Okay, we're taking a leap here, so stick with me. Our conscious minds know that we have flaws and we want to deal with them on a deeper level. We can't quite, so we magnify those flaws in others. That's projection, right? So Carl Jung suggests that the parts of us that we avoid or disown become part of what he calls our shadow.

Speaker 1 5:31

Here's where the morality part comes in. For example, if I have disowned my sexuality, my morals say that one should suppress one's sexuality and dress modestly. But I see a woman who's scantily clad. I may judge her as being unvirtuous or an indecent person. I project onto her the hidden sexual part of myself. My morality, which is subjective, causes me to judge another person, perhaps and very likely in this case unduly, because all beings are interconnected. When we judge others, we are judging the self ultimately. So what we've just covered is why and how we judge. We do it to survive. But we also need to know, as I mentioned before, if we're really in danger when we judge, or if perhaps we're judging based on these disowned parts of ourselves, the shadow, which need to come into the light, to be addressed, so that we can even the playing field and see that in reality, we're no different from one another Compassion, in other words, for our fellow human beings. If you want to learn more about the shadow and how to integrate it, I invite you to listen to episodes 13 through 15 of this podcast, and there's also a couple of exercises in integrating the shadow in there as well which might be helpful.

Speaker 1 7:06

So now let's return to non-judgment. Non-judgment is not the elimination of instinctive appraisal of a person or situation, but the suspension of the othering response related to it. We've already established that we're going to judge, but it's what we do with the judgment that matters, and that scantily clad woman example is a great one. That's part of who I am. So when I see her sharing her sexuality, then I recognize okay, I have that in me too. I may not choose to show it, but we both are similar in that way. We both have sexuality.

Speaker 1 7:49

So far we've been talking about judgment of others, but now let's look at non-judgment of ourselves. We don't want to other ourselves any more than we want to other those around us. That compassion that we have for those around us, we also want to have for ourselves as well. Why not? Well, there are a lot of benefits of practicing non-judgment of ourselves. For example, when we don't judge ourselves, we don't fall into the comparison trap. Let's say, we see a post on Instagram by someone in our line of work who's already established in our common field, but they've done it at a much younger age. Or let's say, they have thousands of followers and you have 12. When we compare, we shame ourselves. Non-judgment eliminates that. We can remind ourselves why we do what we do and take solace in the fact that our path is our own. We will walk it at our own pace.

Speaker 1 8:57

Another benefit of non-judgment is that, instead of comparing ourselves to others, we create a feeling of connection with others, and shadow work is a great way to practice that. Also, when we're not judging ourselves, we then have clarity of vision, and that helps us in wise decision making. We can see more of life's beauty. Not judging ourselves clears the way to appreciate the magic of life all around us. It helps us to be grateful for this life, which leads to peace of mind. It's about having compassion toward others and the self. I can have compassion for someone who's different than I am and for myself, because there's no reason to judge. I'm safe, I'm secure and we're all connected. Not judging ourself means I accept where I am, even if I want to change what is going on in this moment. Not judging ourselves allows us to move into deep inner work more freely. We eliminate the obstacle of shame. Why did I do that? I'm a mess. That kind of self-talk doesn't help.

Speaker 1 11:25

So let's bring back attribution theory and the locus of causality. According to Heider, the origin point of our perception is either internal or external. For example, I am terrible at gardening. That is internal attribution. That's me. That can be shifted into there was too much rain this season to grow healthy crops. That's external attribution. Right, that happened because of something outside of me. External attribution right, that happened because of something outside of me. Now the goal is to take external information and integrate it so that we have a stronger sense of self. We don't want to make excuses or blame like I'm a shitty gardener because of the stupid weather right. We want to rise above and take a larger view that helps us to grow. In other words, the weather is not in my control, but I can use this season as a lesson in how to prepare for inclement weather when I garden next year. Yeah, all right.

Speaker 1 12:30

Now let's take a look at where self-judgment shows up in our daily lives. And that happens a lot, and we'll have a few examples coming up later on. But I want to tackle a big one Imposter syndrome. This is something that most of us experience at some point in our lives. Very simply, imposter syndrome is the feeling we are not good enough just as we are, and it's very much tied in with negative self-talk. It's the voice in your head telling you this information. So let's look at a few examples of imposter syndrome unhelpful self-talk Okay, so there's this sense I'm not good enough. When we apply non-judgment and we're moving toward self-acceptance, we can reframe that feeling of not being good enough to seeing myself as a being in progress, right, so I'm not good enough becomes hey, I'm a work in progress, right? You see how there's growth to that.

Speaker 1 13:36

Imposter syndrome may bring up feelings of being a fake. Right, I'm a fake. People are going to figure me out eventually. I'm no good at this and I'm going to get caught. When we reframe that with non-judgment, we can say I'm owning my place in the world, right, I'm doing exactly what I can do in this life. Imposter syndrome might also give us a feeling that we are undeserving self-talk, I'm undeserving of accolades or compliments. We can reframe that to recognize our strengths, right. So instead of feeling undeserving of an accolade, we can say, well, here are some really great skills that I have, and so, yeah, I can see why somebody would want to compliment me. And finally, comparing yourself to others we talked a little bit about that, right. But here's a particular flavor of the comparison.

Speaker 1 14:40

Trap in imposter syndrome is that when other people are successful, we feel threatened, and we can reframe that by inclusivity. We can honor other people's progress as well as our own. They are on their path. I'm on mine, as I mentioned earlier. So look at how we're taking the internal belief and expanding outward to see the larger picture, so that we can integrate that new idea into our self-perception. You can see that it's much more forgiving and gentler to do that for yourself. We kind of clear the path so that we can keep going.

Speaker 1 15:29

So why is non-judgment such a vital tool as we build a foundation of self, because as you embark on inner work, you will be facing elements of yourself that you want to change, and it's much easier to make necessary shifts in your behavior when you remain open and supportive of yourself on this journey. You remain open and supportive of yourself on this journey. Judging yourself puts the brakes on your progress, immediately screeching to a halt. So here's how that might show up as you do foundation of self-work, we tend to judge ourselves for past behavior, for example, staying in an unhealthy relationship even after the signs are there that it is just not the right match for you. So we might judge ourselves why did I do that? Why did I stay in that thing so long? I was so stupid. Judgment slams the door shut, breaks on right.

Speaker 1 16:24

Another way you'll encounter this, especially this as you do foundation of self-work, is you're going to start learning tools like the one we just did, the reframing tool and let's say you're reframing negative self-talk, in this case, emphasizing the false belief that you're not good enough. Right, you'll be doing great, you'll be really good at reframing and you'll catch that nasty voice in your head and you'll reframe it and you'll feel better and then one day you're going to catch yourself getting down on yourself and maybe it goes on so long, unconsciously, that you get into a little funk and you realize why am I in such a bad? Oh my gosh, I haven't been reframing, I haven't been taking care of my self-talk. I was doing so. Well, this is crazy. I'm not making any progress. You see how that stops you in your tracks and it's shaming and it doesn't allow you to be open and grow. So instead we need to show gentle encouragement to ourselves. That's what non-judgment does. Hey, it's okay, keep going Right. That's why it's the lifeblood of this work. As soon as we let go of the judgment and we begin to see ourselves as a work in progress that we are lovingly scooting along and encouraging and picking ourselves up when we fall down, we're much better able to make progress and achieve what we want to achieve.

Speaker 1 17:55

Okay so, notebooks, pens I'd like you to try a little non-judgment exercise. So here's what you're going to do Write between one and three things that you judge about yourself. Between one to three things, you might have one thing that you really judge yourself about, and that's fine. Just work with that. Maybe you have a few things. If you want to do five, do five, it's fine.

Speaker 1 18:20

Allow yourself to drop into a mindset of non-judgment. And how do you do that? Well, you're going to look at the larger picture. You're going to look at, instead of the detail, the internal attribution. You're going to make it an outward attribution. You're going to how do I rise above this and look at it? Right, if that still doesn't make sense, think about how you would talk to a friend. That's how you're going to help reframe. So you're going to rewrite the statements that you've just written down, the things that you judge about yourself, so that they're more supportive of your growth. Right, you're going to rewrite each sentence. Now, this is important. This is not an exercise in syntax. This is not simply about writing the reverse of the statement. It has to resonate with you personally. In other words, how would your highest self respond to the first statement and reframe it in a genuine, gentle, hopeful, supportive way?

Speaker 1 19:20

Here's an example from my own life, and this is true. I constantly feel I will never be good enough as a writer because I haven't read everything. All the classic literature I haven't read nearly enough to be a really, really good writer. That's judgment, and you see how that puts the brakes on my growth as a writer. To reframe that and be non-judging about it, I can say, hey, no one can read all the books, no one can do that.

Speaker 1 19:53

But I will write about how I see the world in my own way. No one else can write with my voice, right? So it's not just I've set up an obstacle for myself. You won't be a good writer unless you read all the books. Well, no one can do that. But I know that I see the world in a way that I want to share with others, and how I express that will be in Rachel's voice, and no one else has Rachel's voice, right? So that's an example of how you'll do that. I hope you'll take some time to try this exercise and let me know how it goes. Next time we'll dive into the first step of our foundation of self-work, which is awareness. Until then, be gentle with yourself.