Season 3 Ep 6 - Silent Treatment in Relationships

Send us a textThis is a topic that can make or break relationships the silent treatment. We will explore why it happens, how it affects relationships, and the importance of resolving conflicts before they get swept under the carpet. We all know when that happens things pile up and we explode. Subscribe on show link for more content. Support the showSubscribe and Follow us on all social media platforms.

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Transcript

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Welcome back my Spoken Truth family. It's been a long time, though I know our episodes and our podcast network still keeps you entertained. I'm your host, Nita Terry T and today we're diving into a topic that makes or break relationships, the silent treatment. We will explore why it happens, how it affects relationships, and the importance of resolving conflicts before they get swept under the carpet. We all know when that happens, things pile up, we all tend to explode. So let's dive into this silent treatment topic and why people resort to it, the emotions behind it, and the impact it has on both partners. We all tend to have disagreements with our partners, and no matter what that argument was about, instead of finding solutions to the issue, we shut down as a form of defense mechanism. This happens because one, we don't want to say things we can't take back, or two, we reach an impasse. Three, lastly, we do not know conflict resolution. And the last part is imperative because many of us grew up not knowing what conflict resolution is and we've never known or been taught to resolve anything. We were never taught to have a peaceful ending to a conflict or an argument. I mean, you can argue that with me, but we all know that everything that we go through as adults stems from our childhood. That's why it's called childhood traumas, because being a child is the foundation that builds us to become adults. For example, those who have been raised by African parents know that should you ever find yourself in a TIFF with either them or siblings, it escalates to your parents. They don't sit down with you to teach you how to resolve the issues. Instead, they would beat you up, or both you and your siblings for making noise or fighting and obviously annoying them. This is where it all stems from, not knowing that no matter the conflict, it needs a it needs to reach a peaceful resolution. And at times that resolution could simply be let's agree to disagree. We then grow up to being these adults who have no idea how to solve an issue and we put our emotions forward and leave no room for resolutions. And half the time that's the case. As couples, sometimes we fight on things that are quite trivial, but at the same time, we are just butting heads because we are two different people who were raised from two different homes. It's really rare to find somebody who understands conflict resolution, who understands the power of sitting down and trying to get to a peaceful point of understanding. It's really rare for us to put ourselves in the other person's shoes on how they are receiving the information. Instead, we fight back, and that's one of the biggest problems. Now, how do we break the cycle of the silent treatment? This can simply mean let's take five minutes to cool off, even an hour to cool off, and we can get back and discuss this. Discussing it doesn't mean going back to the same argument, but trying to reach, trying to hear each other out with an open mind and understand how it could have made someone feel, and also how we take for granted the foundation of our upbringing and realizing that you two are individuals that were raised completely different and from different households. Breaking the cycle is literally knowing that when you find yourself in a TIFF with your partner, you need to communicate clearly clearly without judgment and being open to understanding. You know, one thing that I got to learn along the way, especially being raised by my grandparents, I'll tell you today, I had 34 years, and my late grandfather now, um, when they had arguments with my grandmother, I can never tell you when those arguments happened. I can never tell you when there was silent treatment in the home that I was raised in. But I do tell I can definitely attest to that. They took a lot of walks together, and I guess maybe in those walks, that's when they had their disagreements or arguments, but came back home as a unit and as a union. We always saw them with the light of happiness, a light of joy, but never the light of sadness. And for me, that's my take-home. Conflict resolution can be something that helps not only the couple but the family you're trying to raise. Because we are the template and the generation that breaks generational curses. Silent treatment isn't a resolution, but instead it is a mechanism, a mechanism of being dismissive and failing to communicate properly and clearly. This can break couples because, in that silence, you create narratives that you then answer yourself without actually taking the time to hear your other half clearly. Silent treatment paralyzes and can open a void that will fall prey to emotional cheating, finding other outlets to communicate your issues without ever then communicating them with your partner. Then comes the comfort of doing so and that void that breaks couples because you allowed silence to exist within the relationship and left no room to conflict resolute and getting to that peaceful point. And many of us fall prey to that in being in relationships. Half the time, people dismiss the word emotional cheating, but it actually does exist because you're not trying to have conversations with your current partner, you're having conversations with the so-called friend that you are talking about things that you could have generally spoke with your wife, your girlfriend, or your boyfriend or your husband. And that causes emotional cheating because you are now finding an outlet where you can bear your emotions because you know that person comes with no judgment, but forgetting that that person isn't your partner, and they will give you solutions that are so-called to resolve an issue, but are there at your best interest. Putting third parties in a form of conflict resolution can only result to infidelity, cheating, and also at the same time create a void that will break that relationship. And falling prey to this is so easily. You will start communicating, oh, she doesn't understand me, he doesn't understand me, this is what I was trying to say, but he doesn't get it. But you're forgetting that you are pouring out your side of the story to this third party, and your partner is not pouring the same information to that same third party, and that will bring conflict. So we need to be very careful to fall prey to emotional cheating. In that silence that's created, you soon lose the sense of respect to each other. It is yet so simple to just say, I apologize and be the bigger part partner when your partner seems to be holding on dearly to the anger and not letting it go. Apologizing opens a safe space to have an open conversation. Communication is the only key that breaks the cycle of silent treatment. You know, having that time to say, let's sit down and have this conversation, trying to find common ground. And I know it's difficult, and I know you'll say, Nina, you know, you just it's easier said than done, but sometimes it's in practice that you build a specific sex space to have those conversations, and we'll talk about that later in this episode. We all have heard the story of not going to bed angry. Can we address this as a myth or is it factual? So, is it truly harmful to go to bed angry? Well, I know half the time it's so hard because we're humans and we're driven by emotions, you know. Yes, let's try and avoid going to bed angry, but even when it does, maybe revisit that conversation with a clear mind and understanding. Half the time I know as a person individually, when I'm truly, truly, truly angry, I tend to want to reset my brain. And half the time, resetting it means I would have to take a nap or have to actually go to bed and sleep and just wake up afresh with a different mindset. Um, and already we already know that for me that's a form of avoidance, and I believe going to bed angry is just a form of avoidance. Um, we can always um dig deep into avoidance as a topic on its own, because avoidance doesn't resolve anything, it keeps things unresolved because you're gonna wake up feeling worse because there's so much tension in the space that you're in. The tension that you could cut with a knife because egos kick in. Who will speak first? Who will bring that matter to the table? Or will this later um later be swept under the carpet in a few days? That's the problem with going to bed angry, because nothing is going to be resolved. When you wake up, the chances of having to address it become closed and it won't be resolved. You avoided it by going to sleep. Who then ever breaks that silence without revisiting the argument or if positions it to be swept underneath the carpet? Because no one would be brave enough to say to their partner, let's sit down and have that conversation. Instead, life goes on, and the danger in that is that most of your issues in your relationship will be passed by and that will result in too much animosity, because that's what happens. Half the time we just put ourselves in these spaces and places of just building animosity. You know, there's a saying a lot of people have heard people say, I love my partner, but I don't like them. And that is when you're building that animosity because then love doesn't stand alone. Love stands with action, love stands with also liking the person enough to to to to to to have these comfortable spaces with each other, you know. When you reach that space of animosity, it becomes the carpet effect. Unresolved issues, when they pile up over time, it leads to resentment and detachment. That space that breaks the relationship. Many relationships suffer a lot because of the lack of conflict resolution, failure to reach an amicable place. That's the problem. We're always going to have conflict in our relationships, and these are the things that break us as people, is conflict. And if you were to sit back and look at your previous relationships, why they broke down, sometimes it's just clear communication. Sometimes it's just having to understand that you're two different people raised from two different homes. And how do we then find that common ground to be individuals but yet be in a union? You know, because being in that relationship builds into being in a marriage, and whatever you then agree to becomes a template for your children. Can we be better adults that create an environment that has less, not none, but less childhood traumas for our own children? Relationships aren't easy and we have to work hard. We're constantly building. I know at times couples and lovers get into fights and arguments. That's not bad. Conflict is good from time to time as long as it doesn't result into abuse. It's finding the common ground that becomes the issue. Silent treatment is as loud as a spoken word because at that time you've created a wall in hopes it won't get broken down until you're ready to engage. Navigating difficult conversations and navigating those tough conversations, we stay away from them because it's difficult. Those uncomfortable conversations are those that build a couple to transparency and openness, and which is true. Half the time we're so scared to hurt our partners' feelings because oh, if I say this, it's going to break them. But it's those comfortable conversations that actually build a couple because you're being transparent enough to say this is where I draw the line, you're being comfortable enough to say this is how I want to be loved, this is how I have a conversation, this is how you make me feel. Comfortable, uncomfortable conversations clearly break people and put them in that place of avoidance. Let's have many of those uncomfortable conversations. They can be simply as I do not like your friends and saying why you don't like those friends. Yes, it's an uncomfortable conversation, but it brings light to your partner on what exactly that you want, that transparency and that openness. Uncomfortable conversations is the lack of sex in the relationship. Uncomfortable conversation is, you know, I do not like the way you speak to me, I do not like the way your breath smells, um, when you have a specific drink. It's uncomfortable, but it makes you uncomfortable, right? So therefore, it must be in a conversation that needs to be had because half the time the little things that irritate us in relationships are the things that end up making us break up. It's never the big issues, it's always the little ones that build up into a mountain and later it collapses on us. Let me provide, you know, practical tips and discussions of issues that linger, finding common ground and working together to build a stronger, more open relationship. And for me, I would give you this few tips. I'm not saying it works for everybody because people are different, but find a space in your house that you can create for everybody, be it your partner, be it your children, a safe space, a space of no judgment, a space of openness, a space where people can talk and feel safe. Or you can create a safe um uh how can I put a comfort, a comfort object. When that person holds that object, they can freely open up about what they want to talk about. And when they talk about those things, then there is no room to argue with them because that is their space that they are going to open up. And until they are ready to get to have that engagement, then that discussion can go on instead of making issues linger. Take those walks, take those 10-5-minute walks together as a couple, just to have that conversation, you know. Um, half the time it's just holding hands, creating that safe space, and talking about the things that bother you in that relationship. And it will also help you, even in that silence of anger, take that walk. And even if you do not talk, you will come back with a different mindset. Because sometimes when you take out a problem from where it generated and take it outside, your perception and your views become different, and that's all you need to do is just having to communicate. And I know it is so hard. Communication is key in every type of relationship as adults, as children, as parents, as partners, as lovers. No matter what type of relationship it is, communication is always key. And find it in yourselves to have to communicate. You know, I always say that sometimes it's okay to say love, babe, husband, wife, whatever the pet names are, baby boo, whatever those pet names are. Today I'm not in a space to have a conversation. Today I'm not in a space, in a good space. Just give me time and we'll have a conversation. And already you've communicated your mood, you've communicated the approach, and therefore it's easy for somebody to understand what you're going through. So it's always the simple things of communicating earlier so that somebody does not create a narrative. That concludes today's episode of Relationship Realities of Silent Treatment. Remember that silent treatment might provide temporary relief, but it's not a substitute for healthy communication and conflict resolution. Going to bed angry isn't always avoidable, but addressing issues sooner rather than later is key to maintaining a strong bond. Don't let resentment build up. Keep these lines of communication open. Thanks for taking the time to listen. I'm your host, Janita Terry T, a student of life in an era filled with knowledge, hoping that we all become better versions of ourselves. I thank you.

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The Unspoken Truth is the catalyst for important and thought-provoking conversations that need to be had. The network tackles social ills, spiritual healing, soul searching, and mental health awareness. To subscribe, click on the show link to follow our podcast and be part of the Unspoken Truth family. Find us on all social media platforms.