Shahroo Izadi is a Behaviour Change Specialist and, incidentally, your host's new friend. If you'd like to hear two people discuss the behaviors and habits of singles in a way that's leveled-up beyond the standard "ugh dating sucks why am I single" diatribe, you're in the right place. This episode is a must-listen for anyone interested in implementing change in their lives from a place of compassion and kindness, rather than restriction and rigid rules. Press play and hang out with two Dawson's Creek-generation women who preferred Pacey right from the start.
Apologies for the sound of wind in the background, this episode was recorded during a hurricane Isaias-related storm.
Books By Shahroo
The Last Diet
The Kindness Method
Shahroo's Website
Shahroo on Deliciously Ella
shanisilver.com
A Single Serving Podcast Facebook Group
Shani on Instagram
Anti-Racism Resources For My White Friends & Readers
Podcast logo by Johanna Pendley
Podcast hosted on Buzzsprout
*Some links above are affiliate links
Shahroo Izadi is a Behaviour Change Specialist and, incidentally, your host's new friend. If you'd like to hear two people discuss the behaviors and habits of singles in a way that's leveled-up beyond the standard "ugh dating sucks why am I single" diatribe, you're in the right place. This episode is a must-listen for anyone interested in implementing change in their lives from a place of compassion and kindness, rather than restriction and rigid rules. Press play and hang out with two Dawson's Creek-generation women who preferred Pacey right from the start.
Apologies for the sound of wind in the background, this episode was recorded during a hurricane Isaias-related storm.
Books By Shahroo
The Last Diet
The Kindness Method
Shahroo's Website
Shahroo on Deliciously Ella
shanisilver.com
A Single Serving Podcast Facebook Group
Shani on Instagram
Anti-Racism Resources For My White Friends & Readers
Podcast logo by Johanna Pendley
Podcast hosted on Buzzsprout
*Some links above are affiliate links
Welcome to a single serving podcast. I'm your host Shani Silver. I started this podcast because whenever I saw content for single women, it was about dating, how to date better how to survive dating. And I know that we deserve more than that. So I created this podcast to change the way being single is seen, discussed and felt, and I'm so happy to have you here with me. I hope you'll also consider joining the Facebook group for this podcast. It's become a really supportive community full of people sharing stories, and encouraging one another and actually meeting up in real life too. There are three main ways that you can support this podcast. The first is simply share it, share it with someone who needs to hear it, share it with your family, share it with your friends, anybody who could use a change in perspective when it comes to being single. The second way is you can rate and review this podcast on iTunes. It takes two seconds and it's a huge deal. That really helps podcasters get more more visibility and continue to do their work. And then the third way is you can become a patron of mine on Patreon. Patreon is a platform that helps independent creators earn money for creating the work that people enjoy. So there are multiple tiers that you can join. But my favorite one is a $5 tier that comes with an extra bonus episode of this podcast every single month. So there'll be a link to it below. Check it out. And in the meantime, thank you so much for joining me. Something you never get to see due to the magic of podcasting is me sitting at my desk, scrolling through Instagram for 20 minutes waiting for a very loud truck outside to go away. It's gone. I'm ready to do this episode. Hello, and welcome to a single serving podcast, especially if you are a new listener, welcome. I'm so happy to have you. This is where we talk a lot about how being single doesn't suck. And if you tuned in today, hoping to hear your host make a new friend in real time. Got to tell you you're in the right place. My guest today is Shirou izadi. She is my new friend. She's one of those people that I saw. Actually, I heard her work, I heard her on a couple of podcasts. And I instantly wanted to talk to her. I wanted to connect with her, I wanted to find out more about what she was doing. Because there are doing this kind of work and discussing the singlehood narrative in the way that I do, it can sometimes feel a little isolating, which is not your fault. By the way, this audience is amazing. And there are so many of you and I love you, but it can kind of feel like I'm constantly going against an existing grain. So when I meet someone who just kind of instantly gets it and is already doing work that I feel like is very complimentary to what I do. It's a wonderful, wonderful moment for me and this episode is absolutely one of those moments and I am so excited to share it with you. Before I do that, I want to ask a quick favor of anyone listening to this podcast right now. When you subscribe to this podcast when you share With a friend when you read it or review it, that's really, really good. It helps the podcast grow and continue to exist. And it just in general means a lot to me. As someone who works really hard to create this for you, you will notice that there are no ads on this podcast that is not where we're at right now. So right now this is completely a passion project. For me, I am not paid to create this podcast or to manage the Facebook group or Instagram associated with it. So what I do instead is I have a Patreon and first of all, if you are already a patron, thank you, you are incredible. You are what allows me to do this all the time. So thank you for your support. It means everything to me. If you are not yet a patron, you can follow the link in the show notes or you can look me up on Patreon My name is Shani Silver. And there are a variety of tiers that you can subscribe to whatever one you would like. The most popular ones are the $5 a month tier that comes with a bonus episode. It is always a solo episode with Justin And I answer any questions or discussion topics that have come in in the previous month, I addressed them all in that episode. A lot of good stuff comes in through emails to me, I really, really appreciate your emails. And I read them all and I write back to them all. And so a lot of the content comes from that. But it also just comes from questions that I receive, that people have and they want some some guidance on. And then another tier, which is brand new and very fun. I'm starting a group zoom, this is a monthly zoom with me and you, you're welcome to sign up for that tier, it's $15 a month and in this group, zoom, we are getting into it, I'm really going to address old, tired, exhausted narratives about being single and how I reframed my mindset around them and hopefully help you do the same. I talk a lot about this stuff, and I write a lot about this stuff. But it's so rare that I get to discuss it in conversation with people who were actually consuming this content. I talked about it with guests all the time, but I don't get to talk about it. with you. So if you ever wanted to learn more about how I reframed my mindset around being single or around any of the narratives that are associated with single life, I encourage you to join the zoom. I'm so excited to see your faces and to talk to you. I can't wait. The first one is happening on August 22. That's a Saturday, and it's going to be at 1pm. Eastern time, if you are unable to attend, the entire session will be available as a video that you can watch afterwards. So if you are in Australia, I know I have a lot of Australian listeners, you guys are amazing. We are on completely different time zones, and that would be really hard to coordinate. So I'm going to make it available to you as a video so don't worry. So yeah, that's my Patreon and you can go check that out through the link below. What else do I want to tell you? It's too hot. It's too hot. It's too hot outside. That's that's all that I have to say. That's like the only thing I can think about during the month of August. I have started to shop for Halloween decor and hear me out on that. It's a pandemic and I haven't hung out with that. Since March, so I'm going to get my joy where I can find it and Halloween is very much my joy. If you are a new listener or a new reader or a new follower, Halloween is my favorite holiday that will become increasingly clear to you in the coming weeks. I may or may not have already purchased a six foot tall, black Christmas tree to turn into a Halloween tree in the coming weeks. That is my truth. Okay, I'm gonna start the episode with Shirou Thank you all so much for listening and for just being in general, the loveliest audience on the planet. You are so supportive and so engaged and I appreciate you so much. I'm so glad you're listening. Shirou is Adi, how are you?
Unknown Speaker :I'm very well thank you. I'm having a great day.
Unknown Speaker :And I have I am having a very reclusive day as it is raining too hard for me to leave my home.
Unknown Speaker :So you are joining me on the podcast because I initially heard your name from a prior guest on this podcast friendship Jessica Spector and then after she mentioned you, I listened to you on deliciously Ella. And that is a podcast episode. First of all, I will link in the show notes to this episode because I think you will need to listen to that as well. But it was just so what we're looking for pertinent to this audience as well. So I wanted to have you on the podcast. But before we leap into our discussion, let everybody know a little, a little bit about you. Um, who are you? Where are you? What do you do for a living just the basics?
Unknown Speaker :Sure, thank you. I help people to change their habits, plainly put. And a lot of the stuff that I hand over is just basic motivational tools that I picked up through working in addiction treatment briefly, but also really through trying stuff out on myself, because I had many many years of struggling with my weight and struggling with eating habits struggling with being unkind to myself, procrastination, everything and I just didn't really find anything that stuck when it came to making lasting changes. And then I realized that the secret to it was really compassion, compassion for myself. self awareness, self esteem, self compassion, everyone's good at planning. We all know how to plan. That's what was missing, you know what you're going to do when your plans don't go to plan. And those are the kinds of things that I try to hand over to people. But you know, even though I have worked professionally, and I specialize in behavioral change, I call myself a behavioral change specialist. I'm noticing more and more that the stuff that's relatable and the stuff that people get on board with the most is the stuff that comes from my personal experience, because I really have tried everything. And so more and more as I'm getting comfortable in my position in this well being well, this new field that I'm in, I'm realizing that the more I myself and the more I'm just really honest about what I've struggled with and what I'm finding useful. And just say, you know what, we're all we're all trying and I'm just trying my best. It's been really well received. So now I just generally help people to change that habit. By being nicer to themselves in a nutshell.
Unknown Speaker :I mean, what doesn't sound fantastic about that? You know, you and I have that in common. I think the the most success I've had in communicating effectively with an audience has been when I told them what I did. And then what happened after there's a certain level of like confidence, I guess that people feel. I mean, it's the whole it's the way people market anything now, right? You want to hear about something from somebody who's used it and loved it. It's the entire like influencer platform in a nutshell, which I hate that word, and all of them do, too. But it serves my purpose here. If you hear that someone did something, and it was effective for them, you're already starting off from a really good place. So yeah, when I when people want to know like, how I stopped hating being single, and like, Well start by deleting all of your dating apps, and then in a month, we're gonna chat and we're gonna see what you filled your time with. And I bet it was something good. So speaking of this is a podcast that is, in general created for the single community Though partner people are certainly welcome. So if you're listening and you are married, Hi and welcome. But in general, I like to ask my guests for their high level experience of singlehood. Just to let everybody know, sort of like what your perspective is, in regards to the whole single landscape, for example, I have been single for 12 years. I have enjoyed that for two of them. And, yeah, now I'm just sort of like living life and when my next relationship shows up, awesome, and until then awesome. And that's just kind of that's just kind of what we're doing.
Unknown Speaker :That's a great attitude to have. I, I've been single for eight years.
Unknown Speaker :And
Unknown Speaker :I kind of I just don't want it's not at the forefront of my mind until something happens. Something will happen like, specific things like I'll be coming home from visiting my parents or something and I'll think I'll be nice to like on a Sunday night, or if I'm ill, and I wish someone would be there to bring me stuff.
Unknown Speaker :You know,
Unknown Speaker :or if I see a couple and I you know, I would We admire them or something. Sure, but then I just kind of forget about it as a thing.
Unknown Speaker :And yeah, I was single for a long time. And actually something that I am so guilty of is, I'll feel like I'm taking things into my own hands by joining a dating app. And then I will be on it for maybe like 48 hours. And then I'll delete it to the extent now where I actually people like recognize me coming, local people will recognize me coming back on and they'll be like, hey, you again. Something must have happened. It's like, I'm just going during the rounds. Because I'll invariably have conversations. I mean, you know, the same stuff. I'll have conversations, I'll lose interest or I will feel disillusioned. I'll go on a date recently. I've been I won't stop talking about my friend who for many years when I was in a relationship long ago, was single and was dating a lot. And I have this like, newfound or newly understood respect for what it takes to come on. From a bad date, and I look forward to the next one, I think that's like Dalai Lama levels, like enlightened, which I just don't don't seem to do when I have a bad day. It just puts me up the whole thing. And I don't have like, you know, they're not remarkably bad in any way. It's just it's a pretty it's a pretty difficult position to fill, I guess. So, yeah, I was single for a party longer than anyone I've known other than meeting you today. I'd say.
Unknown Speaker :Congratulations to broaden
Unknown Speaker :that. That cohort of people for sure. Our experiences are very similar. I call them wet toast dates. There's just like nothing to that terrible about them. But there's nothing appetizing about them either. They're just bland, sort of like what what did I just do other than lose two hours there was just like, it was almost as if nothing had happened. There were there were so many of those dates. So that was all that was happening. And I'm like, you know what, I think I'm done. I don't think I want to do I remember walking to my very last Online date and the seeds of change were planted with every step I took toward that date. And I was entirely right about how bad the date was going to be. But I used to do it because you have to right you you can't give up hope and I'm err, quoting hope or like all it takes is one or you never know you never know is my least favorite thing that is said to single women like honestly let her nap. Like we don't need to hear you never know anything.
Unknown Speaker :I don't know what you don't know, either. So right? Whatever. The thing I find amazing is that with romantic love, or the search for romantic love or whatever, whenever I read books about this or whatever, they always seem to reiterate this this fact that everyone's opinion is just so subjective. And so based on their own experience, like recently, the one that I put to a few of my friends was, if I go on a date with someone, I'm not sure about them. Should I go on a second date with them? Am I not sure about them? Because I've forgotten what it feels like to be sure about someone. Am I not compromising? Enough, or am I deluding myself, like I've just moved mice, I've just moved too far away from understanding and for someone who prides themselves on meeting humans and getting on with them and reading cues, like it's quite wild, how naive I am in this area. And oh, everyone I asked had a different story. One person was like, Oh, you know, this. I've been with my partner for 10 years, and I adore him. And he's amazing. And I want to rip his clothes off. And the first two months, I knew him, I didn't even think about it that way. And someone else was like, if you don't know, within 10 seconds, then it's a no.
Unknown Speaker :And, you know, you had every variation on the story.
Unknown Speaker :And I quite enjoy those conversations. I have to say, I know quite fun.
Unknown Speaker :Even I do too. We are cultural anthropologists. You and I like more stories, I say, tell us all the stories because the more stories I hear, the more variations on how people met that I hear the more it reinforces to my subconscious and therefore my audience's subconscious because they are one in the same. I tell them everything. It reinforces That like anything, like any way that two people can meet, two people can meet, like any, any situation that you can fathom anything can can really bring two people together. And if it is infinite, then it can happen to everyone. Like there's no, they were better than me and therefore they found their partner. Like, there's just no, she's better than me. And that's why she found somebody that does. That's not true. That just doesn't exist. So hearing the stories of how people met used to irritate the shit out of me want to talk about behavioral change. Like I had to change the way that I had a physical and emotional response to people telling me like how they met like some dreamy story used to make me so upset and so angry because it wasn't happening to me. And I had to remind myself No, it isn't happening to you. It's happening to someone you care about, listen to that story and let it expand your mind and remind you that people meet in infinite wonderful ways. And you will do great.
Unknown Speaker :That's a great point and you know, I get I get mad some Pirates on I think, why I have to try. Yeah. Why don't have to go on an app when someone told me they just met someone in the supermarket? I'm in the supermarket every day.
Unknown Speaker :What? What are they doing in the supermarket? Are they like dressing for the supermarket? Or they striking up conversations with people? Because God knows it's not somewhere. I'm just like, hanging around. So yeah, it's good, but it is good. But then that depending on the day, and what kind of mood I'm in what kind of movie I've just watched, whether I've got my period, like a million variables as to whether the story that I'm telling myself is you're all alone, you want to meet someone, or you're fine more than fine, right? Absolutely. More than five. Yeah, but more than fine. And not thinking about it tends to be the majority I'd say, these these days.
Unknown Speaker :majority of the time, if I'm honest. Sometimes it's fun to indulge it anyway. You watch a movie and you're like, why may
Unknown Speaker :that tends to pass
Unknown Speaker :pretty quick. It's
Unknown Speaker :allowed To be in flux, I think I think there are waves that are allowed to happen. We don't have to, like arrive at a place where like, I am totally comfortable being single done like that just doesn't. That's not a thing. It's it's constantly rolling around in flux. And it's, it's always moving, I will say you can kind of level up. Like you can move from a place where you're constantly in the the head of guests who brilliantly called it a hellhole. Once, like, you can be stuck down in the hellhole. And all the time, that can be your majority of like the way you spend your time as a single person. But you can level up out of that into most of the time. It's not really even a thing. And you have reminders of it, but you weather the reminders better, I think. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker :absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with you. And I think also when you've had experiences of relationships, making your life worse, and taking the things that you actually already love and ruining them. Sorry, my time has changed entirely as you can probably hear the slideshow. going through my head.
Unknown Speaker :But yeah, I see it.
Unknown Speaker :Yeah, I this is this is the lesson that I learned the more and more successes I had with my book. And the more I wanted to protect the good stuff in my life, and be discerning about who I allowed to be part of it, actually, because I realized that it wasn't just a matter of, you know, it wasn't just a matter of Oh, I'll take them or leave them when you've invested in in someone if they don't respect and care about and get excited about the stuff that you respect and care about and get excited about that actually makes that takes takes from that experience, when otherwise it would have just been great. Just just you. So that's a lesson that has really freed me big time. that everything's already great. So bonuses are only the only acceptable addition.
Unknown Speaker :I mean, senior you've leveled up to the top level, you've got the like secret whistle on Super Mario Brothers and you should be advanced to the top level of being single, which is I'm not Going to stop doing something lovely until someone comes in. That is better than something that's already lovely.
Unknown Speaker :Yeah, you should have spoken to me after I've watched normal people there. Have you seen normal people?
Unknown Speaker :I haven't watched normal people because I'm like, Is this just porn? Like, I don't?
Unknown Speaker :It's not porn. It's not. Yes, no, no, but it is.
Unknown Speaker :It's like, make a Dawson's Creek.
Unknown Speaker :I haven't said that before. And I hope no one who's in it listens. But for me, it was like, it was quite cathartic and stuff. And after that, probably for a couple of days, I felt a bit alone. But then I went back, I came back.
Unknown Speaker :It was got a bounce back. I've actually interviewed one of the writers on Dawson's Creek and I almost like pissed myself. I was so excited to speak to her like if I there are no words like there, so you're responsible for my teenage years. Thank you. Obsessed, obsessed. I would like to shake your hand. Thank you so much. So in general, tell everybody. What is As a behavioral change specialist, and how did you come to be one?
Unknown Speaker :It's the thing I call myself because it's the closest thing to what I do I specialize in behavioral change. I could have been a habit change specialist or a self kindness specialist, I guess. But that was the one that seemed most apt. And, and there's another behavioral change specialists in the UK, who's a doctor, in fact, and she's amazing, called Heather McKee. And I looked at her work, and I realized that our approaches were very aligned. So I thought that was kind of the best thing to call myself to go. But I did an undergrad in psycho social sciences, and then a post grad in psychology to make sure I was accredited by the British Psychological Society, stuff like that. And then I did a year of placement in an addictions service for the NHS in North London, and I learned about how we treat addiction in the UK. And then I was just working in addiction services and became a consultant and a trainer to health care workers, and in Essentially I was just picking up all these motivational tools because people in addiction recovery specifically substance misuse, they're not really talking about drugs they're talking about motivation and self esteem and connection and all the things that help them to change their relationship with drugs or stop taking them including alcohol Of course, I'm in that world where I call sugar and alcohol drugs and
Unknown Speaker :and so I
Unknown Speaker :I just became obsessed with this stuff and I applied it to myself and lost a whole bunch of weight and started liking myself a lot more and I mean, I have definitely lost a whole bunch of weight before but this time it wasn't through dieting or being mean to myself it was by understanding where my eating patterns came from and with compassion and forgiveness and all that stuff. And then I went to the school of life which is this amazing place in the in London if you don't know where they do like grown up, University of I do workshops on like, growing up University as if babies go to university. I don't know what I mean.
Unknown Speaker :I mean, I mean, consider And
Unknown Speaker :no offense to anyone anyone and listening to this, but like, talk to me in 15 years series I know.
Unknown Speaker :And if I see you, I'm gonna say you're 12 because that's how I speak now.
Unknown Speaker :It's just jealousy.
Unknown Speaker :I miss university so much. Anyway, School of Life, it's this place where you go for, like personal development workshops. And I went to them because I was a huge fan of our work. And I was like, hey, look, these tools that are being used in addiction treatment, they don't need to stay in addiction treatment, they could totally be used by the general population. So I did a workshop and I said, Everyone can come in, and with any habit they like, they don't need to tell me what the habit is. And I'm going to take you through a series of written exercises that you complete, in your own words, totally private, and by the end, you'll have a plan of change, and you'll know why you haven't changed. And that's that so it kept selling out. I told them, I do it for free, initially, and it kept selling out. And then this journalist who I've met a couple of times, reviews prior contacted me and said, Look, I'm trying to drink less than I heard that you're working at school life. With the school of life, I should say, I want to drink less, can you help me drink less because I don't want to stop drinking altogether. I'm not ready for like a or anything. But I want to understand why there are some times where I don't seem to drink in a way that I'm happy with, even though I know that it leaves me in a way that I'm not happy. And I haven't ever helped anyone do that. Because frankly, in addiction treatment, where I was working, we were working with people with really entrenched habits for whom there was no value in continuing to drink anymore. The the idea of sobriety was a real freedom. So that's where we would get people to I haven't helped anyone to manage their alcohol intake really. And then I realized, well, I've helped myself to do the same with food. I have to consume food. So how about if we pretend that she has to consume alcohol and see what we could do? And so I did the same thing. I talked her through it, I was like, well, these are the times that I eat, because I'm really enjoying something and these are the times That I eat, because I'm comforting myself or distracting and the tight and this is what I've learned to do otherwise. And these are the times that I consider myself eating in a way that's kind to my body. And these are the times that I consider myself kind of abusing myself. And so I helped him with that. And then long story short, or long story long, after 12 weeks ago that I woke up one morning and she written an article and had hundreds and hundreds of emails. I One of them was from a book agent who said, I think there's a book in this, you need to hand this stuff over. And there was and then it was amazing. And then the rest is history. So two years ago, the kindness method came out. And then this Christmas just gone. The last diet came out and both of them are just stuff that I've learned that I've picked up. I always like to say like, not from university. I wasn't wildly academic. I won't lie. But I was a good worker. And I picked up a lot from working. I mean, I was just obsessed. When I got into addiction. I was obsessed. There was nothing I didn't read. There was no journal, no article, no TED talk. I was up all night. Learning about habits
Unknown Speaker :and applying them myself. And so that brings us to current day I think
Unknown Speaker :that's how you know you're meant to be doing something a when you would do it for free. And be when you cannot get enough of it when you when it doesn't feel like work when it just feels like you. It's I fully get that that's such a I find that like we'll do when we love something so much we will do it for free. We can and should, but up to a point because we do have to earn a living and we do read so it's like you do eventually have to get paid for doing the thing you love. But if you started out doing it for free, I think it's such a good indicator that it's what you're meant to do.
Unknown Speaker :Yeah, plus you can help people and make make money. I think this is something that a lot of people have
Unknown Speaker :stress about and I I did as well and I really had to make peace with that. Like I can like nice things and volunteer, I can help people, you know, like all of this stuff can can live together.
Unknown Speaker :Absolutely. And I'm going to obviously link to both of those books in the show notes if anybody would like to check them out and I suggest You do. Because I know a lot of us like I tend to walk a pretty interesting line and what I talk about in terms of reframing our mindsets around being single. I am a very, very firm believer that whatever love you want, whatever partnership you want, you are deserving of it in this moment right now. And I will always believe that and I, for anyone that's listening for anyone that's not listening, whatever love you want, you deserve it. And I don't believe that we have to fix anything about ourselves as single people before we are ready to receive love. I don't I don't believe in that structure at all. I think it's a false narrative. At the same time, I do believe in incorporating behavioral change or positive change that you want to implement into your life for example, I to very very recently just decided very firmly not unlike the way that I decided to stop hating being single but I recently decided that like I'm not going to have the same drinking habits that I have had Forever, I'm going to change them. And here's how. And it's, it feels really, really good. I mean, anytime I make a positive behavioral change that I wanted to make, it was like, intrinsically motivated, feels amazing. And it's it's sort of just like you reiterate things to yourself, which feels so much better than having someone else tell you what to do. tell you how. Anyway, so this is a weird space for me, because I like that you talk about behavioral change, but at the same time, I don't necessarily feel that single people need to change in order to either like their single life or to be deserving a partnership. So this is a very interesting conversation for me. But I want to start like high level and then we'll drill down a little bit into this like specifically the single world because I think what you do obviously applies to everyone and any behavior that that you want to that you want to adjust. So what is the easiest way for someone to recognize behavior that they want to change or that is due for change?
Unknown Speaker :I think people know when The negatives outweigh the positives when something's on their mind all day, when it's impacting their quality of life, when it's making it, so there are more minutes in the day when they're not happy about it. And there, there are when there are. And you know, interestingly enough, what you just said about fixing, I think that we can change our behaviors far more easily. When we stop thinking that we need fixing, I think that it's when we need fixing that we go looking for a fix. And I actually one of the, one of the stories from stories, it sounds like my life is made up. One of the examples from my book that I initially that has really resonated with with people is actually that and it's about dating, it's about like that when I was in counseling a few many years ago. Now, I said to the therapist, you know, I was, I would always say when I've lost weight, I'll do that when I look like this. And then I'll get the sort of person and I'll be able to feel comfortable and all this stuff. And she said to me, what if you never lose weight? And I remember thinking, I'm gonna kill her. Not really, obviously don't ask me mainly because I was just like, how dare she? How does she take that dream away from me because on this elusive day, I'm going to emerge and then everything is going to be amazing. And all the men are just going to be lining up. And I'm going to have my pick. And I came away from that session really annoyed, but then I kind of calmed down and I thought about it and I thought, okay, hypothetically speaking, let's say I never lose weight, what would I start doing now? And I realized, all the stuff that I thought had something to do with my weight had absolutely nothing to do with my weight. I started dating and so it was proven to me that I was wrong, that you can date and have a great time and, you know, people can make you feel good about yourself and you can make yourself feel good. by yourself, and you could take off your clothes and, you know, not publicly, you see how much more careful I am with the things I say it's just because they fall on them. And you know, and I am. That was the ticket. For me taking life off hold is actually what makes it a lot easier to change our behaviors. Because we know that behavior change is hard whenever you're trying to change, even if you're trying to use Instagram less whatever, whatever you're trying to change to disrupt the status quo is hard. And doing hard things is easier when you feel good, and you feel worthy and you feel capable. And I think that we should take kindness and believing in our capacity, we should make it unconditional regardless of the specific behavior change goal we have. And then behavior change becomes a byproduct. So that's my spiel about that.
Unknown Speaker :Taking life off hold is revelatory, absolutely revelatory, because how many people listening myself included. Thought that So much of life couldn't start until I was partnered. So much of life I didn't think I had. I mean, there were very, very dark days, but for a very long time, I didn't think that I could travel by myself. And this is like, well into my late 20s and early 30s I was afraid I was actually physically afraid to travel alone for a ton of reasons. And I didn't think that the wind is blowing so badly right now I can like kind of barely hear myself so apologies if anyone can hear this. I really didn't think that I could do so many things until I had someone to do them with and while that was happening, I was slowly like, losing friend after friend after friend to partnership so they weren't my travel buddies anymore. They weren't like the like go to people in my life anymore. I was very much on my own. And when I was very much on my own, I was like, Okay, I can wait for who knows how long or I can get on a train like it's just you know, so many things used to feel on hold and that is such a mood that is such a recurring theme with this work that I do in this audience, it's, I feel that immensely. So thank you for for mentioning it. And I think it probably applies to an endless amount of scenarios that I'm unfamiliar with. But if you're listening, and it's familiar to you, you can take, you can take things off, pause, mentally,
Unknown Speaker :and also give yourself a break. Because this isn't just stuff we've made up either. There needs to be more representation, that it's not this huge, independent statement that you went on holiday by yourself. You know, in my case, there needed to be more people on TV, who were overweight and falling in love, and in great relationships and not being made fun of I mean, even when I watch friends, it's like, Huh, Monica has to lose weight, but don't get it to not be hilarious to everybody. You know, and that's, that's the other thing too, is that there wasn't that representation there. And we need to kind of update that stuff. And also give other people credit and realize that very often they're not judging us nearly as much as we're judging ourselves.
Unknown Speaker :Right. I'm so ready for a female lead to fall in love. Who is a fat woman who is not funny?
Unknown Speaker :Yeah, that makes me Oh, yeah.
Unknown Speaker :I don't want to be funny at all. I want her to be the most serious librarian bitch they can find. And I want her to fall madly in love. And I think it's just like the
Unknown Speaker :hottest guy in the world.
Unknown Speaker :You know what? Yes, yes. Yeah, one one episode ago, one episode ago, I was talking to women and Laura Bogart and she was talking about how like as a kid, but while we're watching Dawson's Creek, while we're watching everything, you're shown the kind of man you're supposed to want, right? Your Dawson or your pc or whoever, but she was never shown anyone who looked like her getting to have him.
Unknown Speaker :Oh, that is so true. Unless it's some joke like shallow how some stupid film like that. Yep. And, yeah, I completely agree. I completely agree. And also, I mean, Pisces Pisces, the one just in case anyone's Pisces
Unknown Speaker :very much One Oh like it
Unknown Speaker :should be cool paces Creek
Unknown Speaker :want to get to it cool paces Craig
Unknown Speaker :episode Pixies Creek, that's that's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna hope he finds out. He was such a dream I swear to you like, there was so much of my like sexual awakening that was hazy. You know what I mean? Yeah,
Unknown Speaker :he's everything with a
Unknown Speaker :depressing thank you I so rarely cut that, you know, blogging gets all the attention but I'm telling me he was also in
Unknown Speaker :the affair recently. Did you watch that? That was really good. And he was in that and I was like, he's back.
Unknown Speaker :Yes, I don't even know what his name was in it because forever he will be pasting
Unknown Speaker :he is like, I mean, there are just certain people like Daniel Radcliffe will always be Harry Potter. This is the way she's going to work. When when we do recognize things about ourselves that we want to change. Do you have any advice for us on avoiding the feeling that we are somehow lacking until we make this change that we want to make. Because I know that it can be kind of easy to put a pressure on ourselves and to sort of think of ourselves as unfinished or wrong or bad until something has changed. So I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on how to avoid that while we're in the process of this?
Unknown Speaker :Yeah, I think when in doubt, be curious. Be compassionate. The same way you would for someone else or child, you know, and focusing on what's wrong with your habits is natural, but it's doesn't give you any insight. Focus on why they came about in the first place, what job they're doing for you, what you're scared will happen if you don't engage in them anymore. What's good about them, you know, how are they serving you? How did they serve you once What else do you need to put in their place if you're going to take that away from yourself, and compassionate curiosity, like you're lifting out of yourself without any judgment and just observing a human being who was born and then got exposed to some stuff and then develop some habits and is trying their best I think that that is the place to start not someone who's like this is what's bad about me. And this is why I'm weak. And this is what I've done wrong. Aside from the fact that we don't deserve to speak to ourselves that way, and it's not true. It does not help you change habits doesn't give you any insight into what you're going to do next or an insight into yourself, really. So that's it. Look at look at what's right about them. Don't just focus on what's wrong about them. And what's wrong about you turn that on. It's on its on its head. That's my advice.
Unknown Speaker :I want compassionate curiosity on a coffee mug. If you ever do merge, you should you should look into that for one is too much. I do too, but it seems like such a such a lift that I don't have the bandwidth or team to do. But yeah, I want so many things on mugs and totes.
Unknown Speaker :I also sweat too much.
Unknown Speaker :Same and you know, I've been criticized for that by family and never never buy the internet or friends or family in general. And I don't fucking care. I guess It's, you know, it's part of the lexicon that is mine. And that is the one that my audience seems to dig. So fuck it. Okay, um, what do you or why do you think? Why do you think that developing new habits or changing behaviors can feel so daunting at the start?
Unknown Speaker :Because that the status quo is our place of comfort, sort of got used to the unknown as Eric
Unknown Speaker :changes difficult
Unknown Speaker :and involves discomfort.
Unknown Speaker :If it wasn't, we wouldn't be doing it all the time. I would have never sold a book.
Unknown Speaker :You know, we gotta gotta give ourselves a break. And remember that even if we're trying to do something really simple or something that's only in our best interest. The fact that it's change is gonna be hard. You're disrupting your comfort zone. And sometimes when I when we're talking about cravings, and I talk about to people about cravings and how and the discomfort and having to go go through it, I often compare like, I often say, imagine the mind is the adult who's read all the self help books and knows exactly where you want to get to. And the body is a child who is just used to what it's used to. And doesn't like you changing the script up and it's going to put up a fight until you consistently tell it over and over again calmly and compassionately I know you want this, of course, you want to do this, this is what you've always known, but I know that it's in our best interests, you're gonna thank me later. But for now you scream and put up a fight or you like and let me do what I can to make this experience easier for you. But either way, I'm deciding that we're doing this and we're pushing through the discomfort because I see the other side of it. And it's about seeing the other side of it, I think but acknowledging that the process will be difficult so I don't although I I help people to create the path of least resistance whenever they can, you know, don't intentionally make stuff hard for yourself. I also am not on With this whole thing that changes easy. I don't think it's easy. I think that being told that can be quite patronizing. But what I do think it is important to do is remind yourself that it's hard, but you can do hard stuff, and you have done hard stuff. And you can do it again. So my job isn't to make things easy for you or to try to convince you that it's easy. It's to acknowledge how difficult you're finding it, and to and to remind you and give you tools so you can remind yourself really, of how capable you are of doing difficult things. And the handover of tools for me personally is really important. Like I don't want people to, I want to make myself redundant to people as quickly as possible. I just want to give them these tools and let them use them for themselves because who knows what I'll be what I'll be challenged, what challenges I'll face in five or 10 or 15 years, you know, this whole guru mentality and self help. I'm not really it's not really my vibe.
Unknown Speaker :I'm so uncomfortable with it. I don't think it should be one like guru esque voice at all. We all have to find our own Like a conglomerate of tools that work for us and use them as a whole and never relied too strongly on or too staunchly to one set of messaging or one set of tools I think the the more variety and the more like experience we have with them, the more we will tailor our or what do we want to call this wellness or self love or self care something Yeah, to ourselves