Dr. Michelle Beard: Part 2 - Accepting a Diagnosis | Season 5, Episode 9

When a child receives a diagnosis, it can impact the entire family and bring on a variety of emotions and responses from parents. In this episode, Dr. Michelle Beard returns to the podcast to discuss a child receiving a diagnosis from the parent and care giver perspective. She touches on a variety of emotions that parents commonly report, ways parents can work through their emotions, ideas for self-care that are actually feasible, and gives resources for families going through the evaluation process. Whether your child has been newly diagnosed or you have had a diagnosis for years, we hope the tips and validation Dr. Beard provides in this episode will resonate with you. 

Dr. Michelle Beard, Ph.D, is a Licensed Specialist in School Psychology. She earned her M.Ed. and Ph.D. in Educational Psychology from the University of Texas, with a specialization in Counseling Psychology.  She completed her doctoral internship in the Houston Independent School District, where she provided counseling and conducted assessments of children and adolescents with autism spectrum disorders, learning disabilities, ADHD, and other psychological and behavior disorders.  Dr. Beard has been in private practice in Houston, Texas since 2006 where she specializes in treating children, adolescents, and adults with anxiety disorders.  She divides her practice between treating people who suffer from anxiety-related issues and assessing children, adolescents, and adults for ADHD, learning disabilities, and other psychological concerns. She is passionate about assisting parents and students in better understanding the ways in which they learn and can achieve success.   

Links: 

Dr. Beard's Private Practice 

The Parish School Website 

Unbabbled on Instagram 

The Parish School on Instagram 

Transcript

Stephanie Landis (00:06):

Hello and welcome to UnBabbled, a podcast that navigates the world of special education, communication, delays, and learning differences. We are your host, Stephanie Landis and Meredith Krummel, and we're certified speech language pathologist who spend our days at the parish school in Houston, helping children find their voices and connect with the world around them.

Stephanie Landis (00:27):

In this episode, we welcome back psychologist, Dr. Michelle Beard. During our previous episode with her, we touched briefly on how when a child receives a diagnosis, it can impact the entire family and bring on a variety of emotions and responses from parents. We recognize just how important it is to first help parents and caregivers understand and accept any diagnosis in order for them to best support their children. So she's back and she's here to help walk parents through this big step. Dr. Beard is a licensed specialist in school psychology with a private practice in Houston, Texas, where she specializes in treating children, adolescents and adults with anxiety disorders and provides assessments for adhd, learning disabilities and other psychological concerns. She's passionate about assisting parents and students in better understanding the ways in which they learn and can achieve success. Throughout this episode, Dr. Beard discusses a variety of emotions that parents commonly report after receiving a diagnosis for their child ways parents can work through their emotions, tips for self-care, and gives resources for families going through the process. Whether your child has been newly diagnosed or you've had a diagnosis for years, we hope the tips and validation Dr. Beard provides in this episode will resonate with everyone.

Stephanie Landis (01:44):

Welcome. Today in our episode, we have Dr. Beard returning and joining us for a part two. If you didn't hear her first episode, she chatted with us about how to talk to your child about their diagnosis. During that episode, we were talking and talking and we thought, man, we really need a whole separate talk about kind of the parent's side of understanding and thinking about and accepting a child's diagnosis. And Dr. Beard was so gracious to say that she would come back and talk to us about that. So welcome back and thank you for joining us.

Dr. Michelle Beard (02:21):

Oh, thank you so much for having me again. It's my pleasure.

Stephanie Landis (02:24):

Yeah, we were talking about talking to your child about their diagnosis, and you so eloquently were saying it's so difficult to talk to them about it if you are not understanding it yourself. And you as a diagnostician and going through and supporting parents through therapy, I'm sure have these conversations with parents quite often.

Dr. Michelle Beard (02:52):

I do. I have these conversations quite often and it, you know, I think I can speak to it from the standpoint of a parent myself, of having a child who had a, a speech and language, you know, expressive language disorder, um, you know, when she was quite young. And so I have, uh, hopes and dreams for my own children. Um, and so I know what it's like to have things maybe not go as you would've expected them. And, and going through that process personally, but then also going through that process from a standpoint of being on the other side of being the provider who's talking to parents. And, you know, one of the things that I find when I do these evaluations, you know, uh, most of the students that I see, I have a folder that ends up being a couple of inches thick about that student.

(03:40):

And then my job is to try to condense that into a one or so hour meeting with parents, um, to verbally go over all of that information and then to condense that into a 20 or so single space page report. Um, but it's a lot of information. And one of the things that I hear from parents even who are not necessarily surprised by a diagnosis, um, or they've had a diagnosis before, but maybe this is a little bit more information than they've had, or, um, you know, there's been some changes that it is an overwhelming process. It's an overwhelming process for a lot of parents. Um, it's just a lot of information, um, regardless of how smart you are or, um, how many things you can manage in your business or your job, um, to hear all of this information, even if most of it is positive about your child, it's, it, it, it's, it's just inundating to a a number of parents.

(04:39):

Um, and so those are parents who are already kind of psychologically, mentally, emotionally prepared for what the diagnosis is. Um, but then you take parents who have hopes and visions for their children, and they see the best in them. And I want them to continue to see the best in their children because the goal of an assessment isn't to, um, render parents to see their children in a, a negative light by any means. It's to help them to come up with a game plan for how to help their children be as successful as they possibly can be and to shine. But in order to do that, sometimes we have to admit that there are some challenges that children have that we were not expecting, or that we don't quite frankly, want them to have as the psychologist. We talk about, you know, that you, you have to be okay as a parent to let your child scrape, you know, scrape her skin, their knee, um, you know, and that they learn from that.

(05:35):

But it's better than to break your leg, right? Um, y you know, so how do we let children experience and, and grow? And obviously Carol Dwecks, um, all of her research about not being able to do things yet, you know, but yet we're gonna be able to do them in the future. And so having that growth mindset of, you know, that, that we can achieve a lot, but we have to acknowledge, um, that there's a pathway we have to start to go down in order to make some of those gains. And just admitting that I have to go down that path and that there's gotta be work required and therapies I have to take my child to, and, um, difficult conversations that I have to have, um, you know, with teachers and with my partner or spouse or with, uh, e even with my child, about what are the things that we're gonna have to be doing to try to help you to get better.

(06:24):

And for some parents, not only is the information overwhelming, but acknowledging, I don't wanna say that their child is not perfect, but, but that their child is gonna require more intervention and more assistance and more handholding for a longer period of time than they would've ever hoped or envisioned. And that process, you know, what we ended with before was that there is a grieving element for parents. And I think that it's important to give parents permission to grieve. Um, because I feel like as a parent, sometimes you can feel guilty. Um, you know, that, that to admit that you're grieving for your child to not be some of the things that you had hoped and dreamed or to need more intervention that you had envisioned. Um, I, I think it, it's a normal parent experience to not want to admit that you're, you're grieving these things, right?

(07:15):

Because then there's an element of wishing your child was something that they're, they're not. And you love your child and you don't wanna feel this way. And so you have these very conflicting emotions. Um, but I want to speak to the parents out there today and tell you it's okay to grieve. Um, it's okay to acknowledge and to be sad. Um, you know, preferably not in front of your child, <laugh>, you know, go to your room, to your closet, to your car, um, to other places. Go talk to your best friend and have coffee with them. Um, go to your psychologist or your, your mental health provider and talk that out with them. Go talk to the teacher at their school. There are lots of people who love and support you in this journey. Um, but it's okay. It's okay to grieve. And, you know, I remember my daughter in preschool when she was really struggling with some of her language issues, and she was at a difficult preschool, and it was also nurturing, but other kids had been in pre preschool before pre-K three, and then she had her language issues, and I went to observe her, and she was the most a D H D looking kid, and she does not have h ADHD I've ever seen.

(08:18):

But she was rocking in her chair and she was touching stuff, and, and she looked very hyperactive, but she was incredibly nervous. Um, and, and she just felt so out of her element. And, you know, we were able to step in and to provide her with some extra support services. And I was able, even at three, to talk to her, you know, about what we were gonna be doing to try to help her to feel more co com confident and comfortable. But, you know, I remember getting her report cards and I'm the straight A student and, uh, high achieving. And, and they were all, I don't wanna say progressing towards expectations, not meeting expectations. There were very few things that were sort of on par in that some of those early preschool report cards, uh, that were what I would've expected and, and what I would've hoped for and envisioned.

(09:09):

And I remember sitting at the kitchen counter with my father who was visiting for some reason, and saying, and going over the report card and getting a little teary-eyed, and my daughter was not in the room. And I said, it's like daggers to my heart. You know, I'm trying to read these things about my child. And the, the school was lovely and supported her, and it's, it's a treasured school to me where she went. And so it wasn't about the school, it was just about that my vision for my daughter was not playing out the way that I thought. Um, and I had to do my own set of grieving for that. But, you know, early intervention, which is one of the things I'm gonna do a little plug for parish, um, you know, and how much I love the parish school and, and what a gift it is to our community and for the families here.

(09:53):

And, and Paris is not the only school that does this. We have wonderful schools, um, in the Houston area, but, you know, parish starts with very young kids and really focuses on that early intervention. And we do know that that makes such a difference for our kids, whether they be kids on the spectrum, spectrum that we can make, you know, it doesn't, it doesn't get rid of the issues, right? Um, but it, it makes such significant gains. And whether it be dyslexia or a speech and language disability with receptive or expressive language or social skills, the earlier we get to kids, the sooner we can get parents to work through the grieving process and to get on board with the early intervention, the better kids are. And, you know, I started with speech and language therapy with my daughter at two, and her speech therapist at Texas Children's said by five or six, she said, she really is just, it's, it's like a miracle, you know?

(10:44):

I mean, she had no words at two. Um, and now, you know, she speaks verbal like you was actually in the superior range. When I had her tested last year as a middle school student, I thought, wow, <laugh>, well, how far we've come from scores that, you know, like the second and third percentile to scores at the 92nd percentile for vocabulary and language for expressive, expressive language. She's had speech therapy since she was two every week and sometimes multiple weeks. But it worked, you know, I mean, I'm here to tell you that it works. You know, kids make such growth, um, in their skills. And so we gotta grieve and we, we have to acknowledge that there's a, a challenge for our child, and that's part of the grieving. But as we go through the grieving process, it allows us to then come to some acceptance.

(11:28):

And that acceptance isn't a, my child is less than and will never be X, y, z. They, they may, they may not be some of the things that we had envisioned, but it doesn't mean that they can't find their own level of greatness, and they can't make really significant progress from where they are right now. Um, and the sooner we can work through the keeping process and get on board with what we need to do to help our kids, the sooner they start to really shine and grow and make those steps, um, you know, towards being all that they can be.

Meredith Krimmel (12:02):

One of the things that I hear often when I was in admissions working with the admissions, um, department at the parish school is families who would say things like, oh, I just wish I would've accepted this earlier. I wish we would've gotten here earlier. And, um, they talk a lot about how this grieving process and this acceptance was so hard. And I always tell families like, you only know what you know when you know it, right? Like, like you said, it's not just the understanding or not just the emotional acceptance, but there's also this understanding of what it means. And if you're not in the field, um, that can be really challenging. I remember when I had my son evaluated, I'm in the field and I read neuropsych psychological evaluations like multiple a day. But when it's your own child and you're trying to piece out like, what does this mean and what, how will that impact him? Um, it can be very overwhelming. And I'm just wondering if you have any advice for families who maybe have a recent diagnosis of ways that they can move through this grieving process. You talked about talking with friends and family and, um, providers, but do you have any other advice that could help them kind of move through that process and get their child the help they need?

Dr. Michelle Beard (13:16):

It is really overwhelming to go through the initial meeting and you, you feel, um, just a bit taken aback by the whole process. Usually the way that my process works is that, you know, we do one, their feedback meeting, but I always tell parents, I'm here to support you. If you feel like you need extra sessions to talk things out with me, or, you know, now, or six months from now, you know, you're always welcome to call me and we can put our heads together. Um, I also think that teachers and school staff, uh, you know, they know your kids. They're invested in your kids. They love your kids. And so, you know, making, uh, some connections, whether it be with the school counselor or with the teacher, and doesn't even have to be their current teacher. I mean, maybe it's a teacher from a couple of years ago, but that you really felt comfortable with as a parent to reach out to them and say, you know, I'm really struggling.

(14:03):

And, um, I also think just support groups in town. You know, oftentimes with people, I treat a lot of people who struggle with anxiety, uh, kids, teenagers, even some adults. And, you know, there's a culture of silence, right? So there's a culture of silence about having, I have a number of adults who say, well, I couldn't tell people about my anxiety, I'm so embarrassed. But then the more they start to branch out and to tell people, the more that they recognize how common anxiety is and anxiety effects, you know, between 20 and 30% of the population, um, at some point in time, it's incredibly common. And, but a lot of people are so ashamed to talk about their own anxiety and, and it really robs them and makes them feel isolated and alone, as opposed to when they start to share, these are some of my struggles.

(14:49):

Um, they begin to feel and they begin to feel like they're not alone. And so, you know, the beautiful thing about Parish is you do have a community, um, of people that, um, that, that do have, you know, some, their children have some different challenges. Um, and there are a number of schools around town. And so I, I think reaching out to, uh, uh, you know, again, the school administration, and I don't know if there are any, uh, links that you guys have available for parents, um, on the website of, you know, just trying to coordinate groups of parents. Um, but I find also just even being a little bit vulnerable with people that you feel safe with in disclosing, you know, I went through this process with my child and I found out that they're dyslexic, or I found out that they have some expressive and receptive language problems, or I found out they, they're on the spectrum, or they have some features of being on the spectrum.

(15:42):

Um, and again, it's not something that you necessarily wanna, you know, shout from the rooftops or share with the world, but who are some people that you feel comfortable just to share this? And you might be surprised to go to coffee and to share with someone, but they've actually gone through the same thing, or their best friend went through the same thing. And so, as you are just able to take some steps to, and again, this is part of the acceptance, is just acknowledging and talking and sharing with other people that you have some news about your child that was hard for you. Um, and I also think, you know, journaling about it, you know, writing it out, um, just kind of processing it on your own sometimes is even a, a first step before that. Um, you know, putting your thoughts down on the page because taking them out of your head and putting them on the page helps you to be able to process it.

(16:32):

It helps you to be able to think through it, to have a little bit more clarity, to have some perspective about it. Um, and then also I think doing some, some research of your own and some reading. The beautiful thing about technology is we have forums and all sorts of online groups and things like that. And so you don't, you don't even have to participate about it at first. You can just go read what some other parents have to say. And as you, again, don't shut down and avoid, as you begin to dip your toe into educating yourself about these things, you begin to realize that you're not, so

Stephanie Landis (17:03):

Do you have any places you like to have families start? I always feel like Google can be a wonderful place, but it also can be like a horrible rabbit hole

Dr. Michelle Beard (17:13):

Because I, I, I like to be evidence-based and evidence driven. I tend to go with more of the professional websites. A lot of the professional websites will have sections for parents as well as sections for professionals. So for example, um, the International Dyslexia Association has a wonderful website and it talks about dyslexia and dysgraphia and learning disabilities, and they have links even for a D H D and emotional challenges that come with having learning disabilities. And, and they have conferences. And the beautiful thing about their conferences is, you know, they have obviously tracks for professionals like me and like that you guys, um, to go and to be on the ground helping students, but they also have a lot of resources for parents. Um, you know, they, and if you've ever been to some of those conferences, whether, I mean, there's the Houston branch of International Dyslexia Association, and so there, um, are wonderful speakers that they bring in a couple of times a year.

(18:03):

Um, and in their national conventions that you have experts from all over the country that are there, and you have, uh, w workshops that you can attend. You have booths in an auditorium of all sorts of different services, um, that you can go and learn about. And they have options for you to go into network with other parents often at, um, some of these different groups, whether they be local groups. Um, I know for a while the Dyslexia Association was trying to, um, have parent some parent support, informal parent support meetings where people could go and talk about that. NY House Education Center does a lot of, uh, education and support for parents and tries to have forums for them. Um, and then, you know, from a psychological standpoint, also, the Anxiety and Depressive Disorders Association of America, they have a lot of wonderful resources, uh, on their website, and they have a whole section just for parents and families and, uh, and people who suffer from anxiety.

(19:01):

The same thing is true as, uh, for the International Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation. Um, for people who struggle with O C D, um, their conferences are amazing. They have sections that are geared toward professionals, but they have entire tracks of the conference that are geared to people who suffer from O C D parents of children who suffer from O C D to go to get support. To your point, who knows what you're gonna get on Google, right? But when you're going to these kinds of websites and you're going to these kinds of professional events, you're going to have some filtering and some monitoring to make sure that the information that's being disseminated to you and the kinds of, uh, workshops and interactions that you're gonna be going to, um, have some evidence and science behind that. And so that's often where I steer parents first to try to get some support, because I feel like that that's number one, gonna give them credible information, but number two, gonna offer them some places that they can find support.

Stephanie Landis (19:56):

Yeah, AP Apraxia Kids is like a national AP apraxia website. They have great things. Our Speech and Language National Association has links for parents, and you can go a little more local to the states as well. And usually I like to send parents in that direction first because they have same thing, really great evidence-based information and ways to connect with other parents. And it will also give you a good jumping off point. They give you nice evidence-based resource, and it's not sensationalized or scary on one end or the other. Yeah,

Dr. Michelle Beard (20:32):

Right. So, nice balanced perspective.

Stephanie Landis (20:34):

One of the things, taking it back that you said earlier that really struck me was about feeling both, um, grief and loving your child, feeling both overwhelmed and hopeful. And we had somebody on the podcast in the past and they said something that reminded me of like, you are a great parent if you, and you can feel two things at the same time. Like, two things can be true about your child. And for me personally, I think that's going, what was something that was so helpful? I mean, my daughter was born early, she was a preemie. We knew we had a battle, and it was kind of like a rollercoaster. I kept reminding myself, I can feel two things. I can love her and accept who she is as her and grieve that we have hurdles to jump and feel overwhelmed by doing those hurdles and feel hopeful that we've made progress and frustration that we've done here. And it's just, you know, accepting that multiple feelings can be true at the same time, and that there can be multiple things about your child that are true. Like both of my children are totally in lovely and completely themselves, <laugh> and <laugh>. I can feel frustrated about different aspects about what we're dealing with as parents <laugh>.

Meredith Krimmel (21:56):

And you're not grieving your child, you're grieving this idea you had of your child. I think that's important to remember too, because it's not like you're ever grieving and saying that you wish your child wasn't who they are. You're grieving what you thought you might be doing with your child at this stage, or where you thought you may be going with your child, or, and, and that's a different, that's a distinction that I think is important as well.

Dr. Michelle Beard (22:22):

Absolutely. And I think, I think there, there's a grieving of your own vision for your child and what you thought things would look like with them, or hopes or dreams that you had for them. It's kind of your agenda for your child, right? Um, and then I think there's also a grieving of, so a certain extent grieving for your child about some of the challenges that lie ahead for them, um, in the sense of, you know, one of, I hear this from a number of parents of the reason I chose to send my child to this special school or that that program or what have you, is we were told that they were gonna need four days a week of dyslexia intervention, and that they were gonna need multiple days of physical, you know, occupational therapy and speech therapy. And, um, we didn't see how we could take them to school and take them to therapy and let them be on a softball team or a baseball team, all at the same time that they weren't going to get to have those, what we would call typical childhood experiences because they were gonna be so busy doing therapies.

(23:22):

And so sometimes, you know, if you have the, the ability to enroll your child in a special school, you can preserve some of the, uh, ch the integrity of what we consider childhood of the, the carefree days and afterschool sports practices or music practices through theater. Um, but other times it's seeing it, you know, I I try to be someone who sees the positive or looks for the positives. And one of the challenges I feel like as a psychologist in today's world, it's really concerning to me actually a number of people who are in young adults in their twenties that I feel like really struggle to cope, um, to cope with just daily life. And we definitely live in a much more stressful world from a safety perspective, from a pressure perspective, from, uh, in, in many different regards. But I also feel like in some ways, the generation, um, behind me and this younger generation doesn't have the same perseverance and wherewithal to sort of tolerate stress and, and to recognize that they can persevere.

(24:34):

And sometimes life is hard and it will be okay. And we get through it. And we're definitely seeing, you know, mental health crises in teens and, and young adults. And so, um, one of the beautiful things as I try to see the s for my kids who have learning disabilities and language challenges and what have you, is they actually learn how to persevere through life at a very early age. They learn how to be resilient. And that's the beauty of early intervention, right? And so, not only are we helping them to deal with these challenges and to minimize them so that they can go and be all that they can be, but we're also as a secondary kind of consequence or benefit, arming them with some resilience and perseverance and, and extra tolerance to cope when life is hard. And honestly, as a parent and as a psychologist, that's one of the best gifts that you could give your kids that will be with them for the rest of their lives.

(25:27):

And so instead of seeing all of these interventions and challenges as, as overwhelming and negatives and things that are robbing your kid of their childhood, um, yes, I want you to try to preserve whatever, like, you know, typical childhood activities. You can, but in the same sense, I would like for you as a parent to try to step back into reframe of, okay, I'm also helping my child to build resilience and to build, um, the ability to, to get your life when it's hard. And that will serve the well, not just at nine, but at 29 and at 59 and at 89, you know, that, that those are psychological characteristics and variables that will be life lasting.

Meredith Krimmel (26:07):

My son, um, has dysgraphia and he did, um, occupational therapy from the time he was six till he was seven. And the resilience with his handwriting is something that I, I just thought it was amazing. Within a year's span, he went from, I have terrible handwriting. I don't wanna do this, I'm gonna avoid this. Nobody can read it to, wow, my handwriting is better than a lot of the kids in my class. Like, he himself has experienced the growth mindset and like the actual benefits of working and persevering at such a young age. And I feel like, um, that's such a great learning experience, him to go forward. And not just academic life, but like in social life, in sports, you know, um, just having this perspective, like it was hard and now it's not that hard. And that can be true for a lot of different things

Dr. Michelle Beard (26:55):

That, you know, that hard work today is something that a lot of people want to get out of. And I, I feel like a number of children either do it well initially or they bail out, right? Yes. And then, then to me, that sets them up for when life is hard and you can't bail out, you begin to feel more depressed and anxious, right? And so if kids have never had to work through and really push themselves when life is hard or when something doesn't come easily for them, we're not setting them up from, from a psychological perspective to be able to cope well with life. Because we all know, as you know, I joke all the time, adulthood is overrated, right? Um, you know, that, that as adults, there are a lot of things that we can't get out of, and that, that we have to learn how to push through.

(27:41):

And knowing how to do that and to have a sense of pride and ownership and, and perspective that this can help you to grow and to develop as a person in a way that you wouldn't have otherwise. And to see it as a positive as opposed to this onerous, terrible, negative thing that you hate doing every day. Um, and, and then it just creates a, uh, I don't wanna say a hopeless outlook for the future, but you know, it doesn't inspire you to, to keep up and, and, and continue to put your best foot forward every day. And so to learn that model of resilience and perspective, and that hard work does pay off, um, it's a beautiful gift

Meredith Krimmel (28:21):

And it's something we can reference, you know, back to. So, you know, he, he plays soccer and we joined this new club, and all the kids are really good <laugh>. And he was like, oh, maybe I'm not as good at soccer as I thought I was. And I was like, well, remember when, you know, handwriting was hard and you weren't, you weren't the best at handwriting, and now you are just on the same level as everyone else. Like, you could do the same thing with soccer. It's something we can always go back to this success, this feeling of success. So yeah, the gift of intervention and the gift of a difference, you know, I mean, we truly all have differences. Um, so, you know, getting, getting the support we need sets us up for so much success so that we can continue to build on that and, and go forward. And, um, yeah. I think just like what you were saying, the gift of the intervention and the support that these schools or these therapists can provide is li it's truly life-changing.

Dr. Michelle Beard (29:13):

Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And, you know, I think going back to how parents cope with this themselves, right? So they, they talk to other people, you can journal, and I, I believe I referenced this in my first podcast of the importance of self-care, right? So as you're going through the grieving process, it's also thinking about how do you take care of yourself? And if you are driving your child to all these therapies and having to, you, you're feeling very overwhelmed, right? The important thing is, you know, just like in the airplane, you gotta put on your own air mask before you put on your child's air mask, because otherwise, while you're trying to put on your child's air mask, you run outta air and pass out, okay? Um, and your child may not get their air mask on. Um, and so as a parent, we do have to engage.

(29:55):

I mean, maybe you don't have two hours to, to have self care every day because you are trying to manage so much. Maybe you only have 15 minutes, um, or even just five or 10 minute increments. But I will tell you that even just in five or 10 minutes, taking a few breaks during the day can be really powerful because you want to be able to put on your own face of perseverance and resilience and hopefulness for your child as a, and, and none of us are perfect, right? I mean, we all have bad days and good days. Um, and acknowledging to your child, I mean, you know, I try to do this with my own kids. You know what mommy, you know, mommy <laugh>, mommy, sorry that I wasn't super positive this morning. Um, you know, I was having a, a hard day, but I'm sorry, I'm sorry that, you know, I, I wasn't my typical happy self this morning.

(30:44):

And I, I wanna be the person who starts off your day, you know, in a, in a better way. And, and so acknowledging that, right? Because none of us are perfect, and we, we all have good days and bad days, and having conversations about that, that we all wanna be growing and being better. But, you know, I, I use my analogy, I'm a big tea drinker, and so I have my, I almost always have my tea cup, and so I talk about we're vessels, right? And so the reality is that life every day pours stress for better or worse, um, into our vessel, right? And so we have to manage our vessel. My teacup only holds so much tea, only holds so much stress. So every day I have to do things to pour out my stress so that I have room left in my vessel to tolerate whatever comes for me today.

(31:27):

So as a parent, especially if a parent whose children have some extra challenges, and that you're dealing with your own grieving process, you need to think about what are ways every day that I can pour out some of the stress from yesterday, make room for today and not overflow, right? Um, and overflow happens, and that you get angry, you're cranky, uh, you were sad, uh, you know, that you, you shut down. You have various emotions. We all have days that we overflow, right? But, but I don't want, as a parent, my goal is not for you to have days where you're overflowing every, you know, it seems like every day, right? That, that those should be fewer and far between. And how do you do that? You do that by the self care, by taking time. If you can exercise, great, um, you know, and you have enough time to go and spend 30 or 45 minutes, but maybe you don't, maybe all you have time to do is to walk around the block and do some deep breathing.

(32:19):

Maybe all you have time for is a five minute bath at night. And I have a lot of parents who have a vision even about, well, if I can't take a 30 minute bath that I'm not gonna take a bath at all. And I'm like, well, actually, <laugh>, you can take a five minute bath and, and it still might produce some positive effects for you. You get the warmth and some relaxation. You don't have 30 minutes, right? But it doesn't mean that we to negate your ability to still engage in some of those coping tools. And then that gives you the ability to work through your own grief, to have some time to, to process your own emotions, and then to be there to really encourage your child as they go through the process.

Stephanie Landis (32:56):

We've spoken a lot about grief and some about overwhelm, and you've talked about how like finding other people and normalizing your feelings also helps. Have you found that there are other common feelings that come up with this? For, for me, in talking to parents <laugh> after the initial grief and even kind of accepting it, is that there are still kind of feelings of either like helplessness or failure. Do those come up as well?

Dr. Michelle Beard (33:25):

Absolutely. And I think it really depends, quite honestly, on the severity of the diagnosis. I, I mean, if we're gonna be really honest here, I think that there are definitely some, uh, learning differences where you feel like, okay, my child has dyslexia, but it's mild dyslexia. We know you can have the two year NY house based program that works for about 80% of kids. I feel pretty hopeful. You know, it seems overwhelming, but I feel really hopeful. I can call this NY House person. They can come four days a week. We have a two year plan, you know, and I try to tell people that your two years may not be two years or may <laugh> or four years, but I think they feel like there's an end in sight. They feel like they have a very concrete treatment plan versus let's talk about somebody on the spectrum, right?

(34:06):

Who has more significant, it's not just a mild spectrum, but maybe moderate to, to severe spectrum, you know, issues and say you're talking about social skills, you're talking about behavior. You're talking, um, about, uh, a, a an extreme focus on certain topics and trying to redirect your child. And it's kind of a 24 7. You feel like you're in the trenches kind of all the time. I think those are harder to wrap your mind around. I think those are harder to gear yourself up for in the sense of, okay, this is, I'm, I'm looking at longer term versus shorter term. Um, I still stress early intervention and, you know, a lot of the kids at perish are very young. Um, and so I'm hoping a lot of the, the people on our podcast are, are hearing this and feeling encouraged. But, you know, I've also diagnosed people, whether they have a D H D or learning disabilities or anxiety or even spectrum sorts of issues in their teen years and, and young adult years and still finding out a diagnosis, which we, we hit on before, is often very freeing, especially for some of these older people, because they felt like there was something wrong or defective about them.

(35:15):

And so to recognize that there, that this has a name and a label, and that there are things that we can do about it, you know, that as a parent, there's no time that's too late. And they have a lot of parents who feel, you know, grieved, you've mentioned before, people who say, I wish I would've done this sooner, or I wish I would've gone through the grieving process sooner and gotten my, my child help. Um, earlier on, y you know, when my grandfather always said, uh, he had a lot of wisdom, hindsight's 2020, right? So, um, when you're looking back at what has transpired, you see it perfectly. But the reality is that we only see in part when we're in the middle of the road and we're trying to figure out what direction to go in, and we do the best we can.

(35:55):

And the more I think, transparent that you can be as a parent about what's happening with your child and where you're struggling, again, not with the whole world, but to find a handful of people that you can be open and honest with about your emotions and your struggles and what's really happening with your child, the sooner that you can begin to work through the process and to get your, your child the help they need, but to get yourself the help that you need so that you can, um, have the people that you need to help you go along the pathway. And, you know, I like to focus on the hearing now. I had a patient a, a young adult years ago that I just really loved working with. And they had been in other treatment before, but they physically would grip the arms of the chair to just just touch the arm, the ends of the chair that they were sitting in, to remind them to be present of the hearing.

(36:51):

Now, to pull themselves back from their mind was often way in the future, five years ahead, 10 years ahead, they were always thinking about what, what was gonna be coming. And they would physically ground themselves. They would just occasionally touch the chair and say, okay, I need to get back. I need to redirect my mind here. And the now, it's very easy to be overwhelmed when you're thinking about what is it gonna be like for my child in five years and in 10 years and 15 years in the realities we don't know because kids make so much progress. I would've never anticipated that my daughter, who had no words at two, would have <laugh> off the charts vocabulary and expressive language skills as a middle schooler. Um, she's worked hard. I've been blessed to have wonderful people who have worked with her. Um, but, but we don't know.

(37:39):

We don't know what children are going to do. And I love her kids to surprise us, and I never wanna sell them short. And so oftentimes I tell parents to grip the chair, remind yourself of where you are right now, and focus on today, this week, this month, this school year. Um, and next school year will take care of itself. We can reevaluate at the end of the school year, are we on the right path? Um, and there, and it, there's nothing magical about the end of the school year, but you can just think about like, what is a good time to intervene? You can say, I want to reevaluate every six months. I wanna reevaluate once a year. Um, you do need to do some reevaluation. You know, like, what is the game plan that I have for my child right now? And is this working right?

(38:26):

But it doesn't need to be every day <laugh>, you know, um, we can just get ourselves back to what are the things I can be doing today to help my child? What are the things I can be doing this week to help my child? And then I don't know what the future holds. This feels a little uncomfortable, but we don't, none of us know. We don't know what kind of progress they're gonna make. We don't know how they're gonna grow and develop. So we do the best we can right now, today, this week, this month, this year. And then we see where they are in a year or so. Um, and we see what their teachers have to say, and then we, we change the plan. And that helps us from being so overwhelmed when you have diagnoses that seem like, I don't wanna say they, they go on forever, or they, they have an a, a really long-term impact. Um, it helps you to stay hopeful. It helps you to stay focused, um, and it helps your child to make the, the biggest gain that they can make because you are not distracted by, by what could be if you're focused on what is right now and how to move from there.

Stephanie Landis (39:25):

I think that's amazing, <laugh>. And it is so hard not to, I mean, society puts you in that place for all children of, I mean, right now they're like, well, we set up kindergarten so kids could be successful in college. And you're like, there's like <laugh>, there's like 13 years in between there. Like, why are we making our kindergartners think about college? Like, what, why? And so I think it's hard not to jump to the future or like, well, what does this mean for them in the future? But to relieve all of us just like ground in the now. And we have so many wonderful conferences with parents, like multiple times a year here at Parrish. And sometimes, you know, it's what we would've thought we'd been talking about three months ago. We're talking about something totally different. Cause the kids are just making so much progress or, you know, with every child, it's one step here, one step back, three steps here, one step back. You know it, the future always changes. And, and I've even talked about friends who are worried about their kids' potty training and you know, we're just get so hung up on like, what's it going to be? And they'll be potty trained eventually. What age were you potty trained at? Well, that's gonna matter when you get into college. Like, we just gotta take one step at a time and it'll lead us where they, they need to go.

Dr. Michelle Beard (40:43):

Right? Absolutely. And again, as a parent, right, you feel ashamed. You think, what's wrong with my kid? What's wrong with me as a parent? Um, but the reality is everybody's different. Everybody has a different developmental trajectory. And we can say the same thing for A D H D, right? So d h d kids tend to be about 30% behind their chronological age for organizational skills, planning, forethought, insight, and awareness to their behavior. So I often tell parents, if your child is 10, you can't expect them to do things like 10 year old. You have to think about what would my seven-year-old do? So if they have a sibling who's seven, um, that's really more appropriate gage. So when you thinking about your expectations as a parent for your child, you need to readjust those a little bit. And they think, well, okay, so Dr. Puer telling me their frontal lobe doesn't finish developing till they're 25, or what are they gonna do when they go to college?

(41:31):

I said, well, you know, you the best you can, right? And the beautiful thing is, we now have lots of colleges that have wonderful student support services centers. We have some people who will meet with them. We have some accommodations if they lose their wallet. Now we have those candy cards that you can actually put in your wallet that tracks your wallet where you can find it. We have clappers for your keys. We have all sorts of technology devices, you know, um, but the reality is they figure it out. And the beautiful thing is as you grow and develop, you know yourself and you don't know yourself and have control over your environment at nine. So you need some other people, and you may still be borrowing someone else's frontal lobit 25, right? But you at least know yourself and you know what you needed and you know how to orchestrate your environment and you have more control over it at 25 than you did at nine.

(42:19):

And your brain makes these leaps and, and strides between now and 25 a. And so as a parent, you also have that growth process. And so instead of being so caught up of, oh my gosh, how is my child gonna function as a 25 year old, if they can't even remember to put their, their, their sh shoes on the right feet right now? Or they, they have papers coming out of their backpack in the third grade and they can't turn anything in again. We gotta, we gotta grip the chair. We gotta come back to, it's gonna be okay. How are we going to help them learn how to turn it in their homework and put it in the backpack today? We don't have to worry about sixth grade or 10th grade or 25. We just gotta get back to the system today. And so I think also it's giving parents permission to intervene.

(43:08):

And I think, you know, I was talking with someone yesterday about the fact that I, I feel quite challenged for kids and, and saddened a bit for them today because when I was a kid, we had all these opportunities to be independent. Uh, my brother and I would go out on our bicycles and be with our friends in our neighborhood, and we just had to be home by dinner at sundown. But, but we had a lot of ability to structure our own time and to skin our knees literally and figuratively, and to make mistakes and to, to have a lot of independence. And we also didn't have the same rigors of school. You know, I joke, I made eggshell collages until I was in first grade. Um, you know, I don't remember learning all my math facts in kindergarten, and I turned out okay. And so the, the, the world is the reverse for our kids today.

(43:54):

We expect them to do a lot of academic things that I'm not really convinced that their brains are ready for. Um, from a developmental perspective, we're doing this earlier and earlier, and our kids also, we live in a world that is unsafe, I guess you could say, um, in some ways. And some kids in some neighborhoods do still get to go and ride their bikes and be with their friends and have that independence. But I would say a lot of, a lot of kids do not. Um, so our kids don't have the same levels of ability to have independence that helps them to grow that sense of self-awareness, that helps 'em to grow a confidence in themselves, but yet they're also faced with these inundating stressors on a regular basis. And so it's a lot, it's a lot for kids to manage. And so I often will tell parents it's okay.

(44:41):

So many people are telling you, don't be a helicopter parent. Like back off, let your kid, um, you know, turn, be responsible for their own homework. But if they've left their homework at home every day for the last two weeks after someone told you to do it, then the system is not working. Okay? Now I'm fine. I tell parents all the time, run to one or two week trials, see how it goes. Let them, let them return in their homework. But if they crash and burn every day, their brain isn't ready, right? So we gotta come up with a strategy. We have to come up with a strategy to try to help them, and in six months, let them try to turn in their homework again every day for two or, you know, for a week or two and see how it works. And eventually their brain will be ready, you know, and, and you can set up a system to help them to be successful with that. Um, but, but it's, it's a combination. It's a combination of giving yourself permission to, to see your child, maybe through the developmental lines of seven instead of 10, to put systems in place to help support your child, and then to gradually release over the reins for those behaviors when you know their brain is ready.

Meredith Krimmel (45:42):

I feel like there's a theme this episode of like, it doesn't have to be all or none. It's okay to take a five minute bath, not a 30 minute bath. You don't have to have your child potty train at this age right now. Take the steps or turn in their homework consistently, or, um, you know, just like this moderation, like living in the now. You don't have to figure out what they're gonna do in college. You can be present in the now. And I feel like that's just this ongoing theme and such great advice for all parents, not just of children with learning differences or, um, who have needs, but just all parents. You know, self-care doesn't have to be all or nothing. Uh, planning for your child's future doesn't have to be all or nothing. There's really this middle ground and being present that's really important, an important part of all of this.

Dr. Michelle Beard (46:31):

Yeah, absolutely. And it's giving yourself permission to enjoy life as it comes, right? Because the more we're focused on all of the things in the future, and the more overwhelmed we feel, we miss the opportunities to enjoy our children for who they are right now. And yes, they're challenges, but they're also joys. And we don't wanna get so bogged down in, in the challenges and the, uh, the therapies and the interventions and all of that, that we just miss having fun with them. And we miss getting to be with them and to celebrate those special times that we have with them. Because before long they, you know, they, they will be different people. They will, uh, become teenagers and not want you around <laugh> as much, or they will be adults and, and not be living with you anymore. And you will look back and think, oh, I wish I would've really enjoyed the time that I had with them.

(47:25):

And so, so we don't wanna miss those special moments. And then those were also the things that inspire all of us to keep going, right? You, you know, you have to have positive deposits in your bank account. Um, you know, we, I think oftentimes as, as parents in general, but certainly when you have extra challenges, you feel like there are lots of withdrawals in terms of like emotional energy and time and things like that. But, but those positive experiences with your children and for your children to have those with other people, but also with you. And, you know, I tell my kids all the time, I wanna have a happy home. I want, I want you to want to be here. I want this to be a place that's the respite from, uh, from the stressors of life and that we figured things out together. And, um, and the better that you could take care of yourself as a parent and to, to have some perspective and just to not be so overwhelmed by the future, to focus on the here and now, and the little things helps you to be able to be present and to enjoy some life, some of your life.

Stephanie Landis (48:24):

I think that's a common thing when I speak with parents about either worrying about going and getting a diagnosis or once they have a diagnosis, is that they're afraid that either they or other people will only see their child as that one thing. And it takes away that like, happiness and joy of like, their child is the same child. I think a previous guest said this too. Their child is the same child walking out of an evaluation as they were walking in. And all of the joy and lovely and amazing things that make them, that kid are the same things that are walking out of the room afterwards. And think that is a great way to kind of reframe the thinking of like, yes, we have this diagnosis, which can then help us have a roadmap, but we also still have this whole child that is the whole and lovely and wonderful and unique and probably quirky <laugh>. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. I was talking to a friend and they're like, is my kid weird? Or all kids weird? I was like, all kids <laugh>. And we were probably weird and we don't remember it <laugh>, but like, your child is still that same joy and love and it is hard when you're bogged down in the every day or looking too far in the future to just be present and enjoy, like giggling on the couch with your kid over Dogman <laugh>.

Dr. Michelle Beard (49:41):

And I, I definitely agree with that. You know, we want to be able to just to, to reframe it and to celebrate the, the, the beauty of our children and who they are as people. A and to remember. I mean, a diagnosis is a diagnosis is a, a roadmap. It's, it's giving you a directional focus to steer your efforts for the things that have been hard to make them easier. But apart from that, it doesn't, it doesn't change who your child is. It doesn't change, um, how you see them. It doesn't change the love that you have for them, and it doesn't need to change everything their lives. You know, I often tell parents when I talk about interventions, I'm like, you should probably do one thing at a time, because otherwise you might have mutiny on your ship. <laugh>, you know, like, you don't wanna turn the everybody's world upside down.

(50:40):

And, and I think sometimes parents, so you have the two extremes, right? You have the one, one set of parents that it's really hard and it, it does take them a period of time to grow through the grieving process and to get started and wrap their head around it. But then you have the other parents who, you know, before my phone call is over, they, they've Googled people that I'm talking about. Um, or, you know, they've, they've been trying to find the interventionist and as soon as I hang up the phone, uh, you know, or the, the video call <laugh> and then they're gonna start calling these people and they might start calling an occupational therapist and a, a a anxiety therapist, and they're gonna call the school, and they're, they, you know, they're gonna call the pediatrician and they're gonna get kinda all these things going.

(51:19):

And that's wonderful. But in the same sense, I also want for the children to not feel like, oh my gosh, I went to this evaluation with Dr. Beard and like my whole life was too different. I, I prefer to be gradual so that kids maybe don't notice quite as much, you know? And then they don't feel like there's something as much that's quote unquote wrong with them. Right. We were just kind of doing some different things as part of life and, and we grow. Um, and again, there's not, there's nothing wrong with being proactive. I love being proactive and I think it really helps kids. But, but I also feel like that you don't have to change everything all at once.

Stephanie Landis (51:52):

Well, we have the traditional and the podcast about advice, but we got you with that on the other episode, so I'll open it up too. Is there any last thing that we didn't discuss that you want to have the listeners have as a takeaway?

Dr. Michelle Beard (52:09):

I'll admit that I'm not very good at this myself. It's an aspirational goal. Maybe this will inspire me to get back to it, but years ago I had a patient who told me that they bought a journal for each of their children. And on their birthdays, at least once a year on their birthday or around their birthday, they would write in the journal about strengths and gifts and wonderful things that they ha that, that they'd noticed about their children. And certainly there was, uh, no limit to the fact that the parents couldn't make other journal entries. And I do have one for each of my children. I haven't written them in a while. Life gets busy and you do the best you can as a parent, but basically this parent's goal was then to give those journals to their children when they became adults. And I, I still love that, you know, and, and we've talked about the joys of your children.

(53:01):

We've talked about not losing sight of who your children really are in the midst of a diagnosis. And I think one of the ways that you can do that is actually as a parent to write things out to your children about, here are the ways I've seen you grow. Here are the ways that you've changed over the last year. Here are the things I'm so proud of you about. Here are the great things that I love about you. And as we write those things out to our children in a journal that one day we can give to them, um, and that our children can see the growth that they've made over the years. But that also helps redirect us and remind us and refocus us and re-energize us as parents to the good in each of our children and to why we, we put in the time and effort, you know, in the first place and into to that it is worth it. Um, and to stay the course and to feel encouraged. Um, and so I think that would be my, my parting advice or inspirational, uh, wisdom that I might pass on to parents.

Stephanie Landis (54:00):

I love that. That's a great idea. Well, thank you so much. We really appreciate your time and expertise in chatting with you today.

Dr. Michelle Beard (54:08):

You're so welcome. Thank you again.

Stephanie Landis (54:12):

Thank you for listening to the Un Babbled podcast. For more information on today's episode, please see our episode description. For more information on the parish school, visit parish school.org. And if you're not already, don't forget to subscribe to the Un Babbled Podcast on your app of choice. And if you like what you're hearing, be sure to leave a rating and review. A special thank you to Stig Daniels, Andy Williams, Leslie Holly and Molly Weisselberg for all their hard work behind the scenes. Thanks again for listening.