#16 How To Say "No" When You Are TOO Nice At Work

Are you too nice at work and get asked to help others all the time? This episode will give you some ideas on how to avoid getting asked, be prepared if you are asked, and know how to say no, if necessary. 

Transcript

Hi! This is Anita Belitz from the Wise Women’s Workplace. In episode 15 I talked about how we can sometimes be too nice at work. And in today’s episode I am going to focus on the topic of how to say “no” when you are indeed someone who is TOO nice at work. I will also share some ideas on how to actually avoid those tricky or uncomfortable situations coming up at all!

Backstory (Desires internal and external)

As I mentioned, in episode 15 I talked about how sometimes we can be TOO nice at work – too eager to help others. And I promised to share with you some of the techniques that worked for me when I was in situations where colleagues felt like it was way too convenient to ask for my help on a regular basis or even when they asked for help with things that didn’t even make sense in view of my responsibilities.

As a reminder, I talked about the “Never-Learner”, the “Shirker”, and the “One-Upper” and I also talked about how to decide when you should and when you shouldn’t help out.

So, if you have someone who is asking you to help out on a regular basis and you want to decline to help them out, following are some of the things I think are important to think about and a few of the approaches that I have used myself in the past. 

First, some reminders:

-    It is ok to help colleagues as long as it makes sense! This is particularly true if you ask them for help from time to time, too. It should be a balanced and fair exchange.

-    Accepting to help is a great idea when it is going to give you a chance to gain experience with tasks you have never done before, meet new people and build a larger network, or build your reputation, for instance.

Then, to get started, ask yourself the following:

-    Start with asking yourself: “Do I know my boundaries and do I set clear expectations with colleagues?”  This is paramount to avoiding colleagues abusing of your kindness! Knowing your own criteria for helping out in advance in really key to being ready when an unexpected request comes your way.  

-    Then when someone asks for your help, try to do a quick mental check by asking yourself the following questions:

o   “Why do I want to help?” – If you are helping to be liked or because it’s uncomfortable to say, know this is pretty common. BUT work is not a popularity contest and while it’s not easy to say no it also feels really horrible to feel like you are being used or taken advantage of.

o   Then “Does it make sense for me to help with this request?” Have you ever gotten involved because you want to help someone out and then quickly realized you were in over your head or been burdened with a really sticky problem? Ask yourself “what is the concrete reason for me to say yes to helping out?” The reason should truly be compelling! If not, you may suddenly have to be a problem solver in addition to being a nice helper…

o   And then “Do I really have time to help with this request?”

§  If you are perceived as having free time you will more easily get asked for help. And you should never have to put your own work on hold for long to help others.

o   And finally, “Am I really helping my colleague by doing this?”

§  Just remember, we aren’t always helping when we think we are helping others… While we want to help to be nice, it’s best that your colleague learns a new skill to add to their job portfolio. Learning new things is important for everyone, even if it makes us uncomfortable. It helps us flex those risk-taking and keep-evolving muscles which keeps us on our toes in life!

So, what are some ways to avoid being asked, and when asked, how to say no?

1)   First: Set expectations and boundaries

a. Know for yourself how you want to react: Make a few guidelines for yourself to use as a way to test if you really feel ok about helping out with different requests. This will make it much easier when they catch you off guard.

b. A really simple guideline is “Be nice twice.” -  First time help. Second time help with less enthusiasm and soft silence. Third time decline.

c. If you set boundaries and you respect your own boundaries, people will learn to respect them too. This will send a clear signal to colleagues that you respect your time and will make it less tempting for them to ask for help.

d. Make sure that you are consistent and behaving fairly – Just checking in with yourself and feeling you’re being fair can give you the confidence to say no more easily.

e. Use block-out times to your advantage: Keep certain times of the day where colleagues shouldn’t interrupt you. This is a great way to deter colleagues who are in a hurry to get something done.

f.  Don’t be immediately available for anyone unless it’s truly urgent: If you are caught off guard and you really feel like you can’t say no, at least try to say “I’m in the middle of something right now” and then say you may have a little time in about an hour or whatever timeframe you feel is reasonable. Now, the way you follow up on this can go two ways. 

                                            i. If you’re lucky, they may not come back later because many people will be asking out of convenience and they want a hand immediately, so you may just be able to avoid getting asked.

                                          ii. If you invite them to come back, know that it will be harder to get rid of them, so try to set yourself up with an escape plan by setting an audible calendar reminder before they come to your office. The audible reminder will be an easier to tell them you have to stop helping than bringing it up yourself.  Another option is to choose to do a combination approach – push off for an hour, before going to their office set your reminder, and go see them at their office. When you hear your reminder, let them know you need to go, wrap up and leave promptly.

2)   Knowledge is a great second defense.

a. Know what you are getting in to: When asked for help, get answers before agreeing to help someone out. Ask what specifically they need. It’s really important to know what they are asking, why they are asking you, how long it will take, and I suggest that you have an idea on how you can pull the plug on helping out, if necessary in case it drags on.

b. Know who does what in your company. This allows you to redirect the request to the best suited person to help out, if that isn’t you. 

c. Know what you have on your task list. Being on top of your task list and deadlines allows you an easy arsenal of “I can’t help you right now, I am working against a deadline…” and feeling confident in saying that. Projecting confidence is half the battle!

d. Ask your boss their position on helping others out.  

                                            i. If they don’t want you spending time helping others, it also makes the decision to say no much easier.

                                          ii. If they do want you to help out in general, you can easily include helping others out in your reporting.

                                        iii. By the way, this is also a stealth way to bring up when someone is repeatedly asking for your help and it is becoming problematic to your work or difficult for you to say no. Reading between the lines your boss should understand the problem and can support you in a solution.

3)   Third defense: Use your behavior and body language to give off signals.

a. Walk quickly and stand tall: I already mentioned in episode 15 that walking quickly helps project that you are busy and “on project”.  Standing tall and only slowly down when they try to ask for your help also conveys that you don’t have time.

b. Use silence to your advantage. Don’t explain why you can’t help. Wait 2-3 seconds before responding and you may be amazed to see how people rush to fill the silence and possibly come up with reasons for you that you can’t help them out. (Unless you’re too busy, about to leave, have a call, etc.). This works well if you are a manager, in particular.

c. Control your reaction to the request. Stay calm, keep your facial expression neutral and keep an even pitch and intonation in your voice. If you sound like you are waivering it’s easy for them to push their request. Try to keep the tone even and be matter of fact. This helps to neutralize their ask.

4) Finally, you may need to learn to say no.

a. I know, it’s often hard for nice people to say no. But think of it as a way to be nice to yourself

b. First thing to say here: Whatever you do, don’t justify yourself. Justifying yourself communicates that the expectation for you to help out is correct. So avoid that.

c. For many people, it’s hard to say a straight “no” to colleagues depending on how much you like them or how much of your core team they are or what feels socially acceptable. So you may want to start with a soft no - like “Oh, I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help, this time,” and move away immediately.  Using “this time” at the end of the sentence takes the edge off of the decline and walking away with confidence conveys that this is final.

d. If you can’t trust yourself to say no, Don’t say anything in response, try keeping your mouth shut and shaking your head, and walk away. This is a particularly good tactic with office bullies. It’s also good when you are in a group of people and someone approaches needing help from no one in particular. This silent but definitive signal is more effective than people looking away uncomfortably and you can trust that you won’t start making suggestions and getting dragged into the situation.

e. Say no politely but remain firm.  This is the best approach in my experience. It’s a bit like pulling off a bandaid - it may sting in the moment but is quickly over. And it is very difficult for the person making the request to be angry.

                                            i. You can say, “No I really can’t help you, but thank you for thinking of me.”

                                          ii. Or, if you want to help this person sometimes but not today, just say “Unfortunately, I can’t.” No explanation, just say no.

                                        iii. Or, if you aren’t the best person to help them out, explain why briefly and then end with, “So, I will have to say no. I hope you understand.”

                                        iv. And another option is: “I can’t this time, but ask me again another time.”

So, as a recap:

Remember:

-    It is ok to help colleagues as long as it makes sense!

-    And, don’t forget that accepting to help can be a great idea when it is going to give you a chance to expand your skill set, network, or stretch your boundaries.

Consider if you have thought through what you want your boundaries to be with helping others and then how to apply them.

When asked, do a mental check  of the 4 questions:

-    Why do I want to help?

-    “Does it make sense for me to help?”

-    “Do I really have time to help?”

-    “Am I really helping my colleague by doing this?”

Use these 4 techniques to avoid being asked or to say no:

1)   Set expectations and boundaries

a. Know how you want to react when you receive requests

b. “Be nice twice.”

c. Respect your own boundaries so others will too

d. Being consistent and fair

e. Use block-out times

f.  Don’t be immediately available for anyone

2)   Use knowledge to your advantage.

a. Before saying yes, know what you are getting in to.

b. Know how to redirect requests.

c. Be on top of your task list so it’s easier to say no

d.   Ask your boss their position on helping others out.  

3)   Use your behavior and body language to give off signals.

a. Walk quickly and stand tall to make yourself less approachable

b. Use silence to your advantage

c. Control your reactions, put on your poker face, and stay calm.

4) Just say no.

a. When you do, don’t justify yourself

b. Start with a “soft” no

c. If you have a tendency to suggest solutions, try to keep your mouth shut, shake your head no, and then move away.

d. Best for last: Just say no as politely as possible.

Here is what I would like to leave you with:

Helping others can make you feel good and can give you new opportunities. It can also make you feel like you are being taken advantage of or not being respected, and that feels pretty bad. By getting clear on what motivates you to say yes to a colleague’s request for help or what stops you from saying no to those same requests, you will be able to start changing your behavior. While there are some easy and effective ways to reduce the likelihood of being asked to help out, I have found the best way is to just simply learn to say no more often. It may feel difficult to do so, but in the long run it is the one surefire way which ensures respecting yourself, your time, earning respect from others, and making sure that you can focus on what you need to get done in order to be successful at the office.

Remember, you are the one who is looking after you. You are the only one who can set your boundaries and ensure respect.

So what to do now? Well, I invite you to keep listening to the podcast as I will likely touch on these topics again in future episodes and start getting yourself ready for sying no!

As always, if you really want a career and life which makes you happy, please be very mindful of what you are doing and take deliberate action. Make sure you are always looking after yourself, including in your career. And don’t just survive, take steps to thrive!

I look forward to speaking to you again soon. Until next time, may you be healthy, wealthy, and wise!