Kids Do Well When They Can - Weekend Wisdom

Parenting kids exposed to trauma is hard. Sometimes, it is very hard, but these families can thrive. In an interview with Creating a Family, Dr. Ross Greene, a Harvard Psychology professor, stressed that it was crucial for parents of children exposed to trauma to realize that kids want to do well, and if they are struggling, it is likely because they are lacking a specific skill needed to succeed.

Resources:

• Helping Children Heal from Trauma
• Practical Guide to Parenting a Child Exposed to Trauma
• The Explosive Child  by Ross Greene

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• Weekly podcasts
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Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.
Dawn Davenport  0:00  
Welcome to weekend wisdom by creating a family. Creating a family is the National Support and Training nonprofit for foster adoptive and kinship families. Today's weekend wisdom is titled kids do well when they can. I love love that expression. I don't know if he originated it, I first heard it from Dr. Ross green. He's a Harvard psychology professor and he's the author of the explosive child a new approach to understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children. I love the expression. Kids do well when they can. And it's corollary kids want to do well. I also love the subtitle to the book of not wild about the explosive child. But I absolutely have lived the experience of understanding and parenting easily frustrated and chronically inflexible children. So perhaps it's because that's the reason it really speaks to my heart. So parenting kids exposed to trauma is hard, and sometimes very hard. But these kids need parents and these families can thrive. And in that interview with creating family, Dr. Ross green stressed that it's crucial for parents of children exposed to trauma to realize that kids really do what to do well. And if they are struggling, it's likely because they are lacking a specific skill needed to succeed. And in my life, it was revolutionary for me to shift my focus from the behavior itself, to looking for the skill that the child was missing, that was resulting in the behavior. So in the midst of dealing with a child whose behavior reflects their early life trauma, it's easy to think that the kid is intentionally driving you nuts, because the kid may be driving you nuts, you may be going nuts. The intention part however, that's likely not what the child is intending. And reframing their behavior, to being a lack of a specific skill, turns this into a teachable moment. And teachable moments give us power to help our kid and prove it was so hopeful for me when I was able to shift my perspective to understanding that. So in the explosive child, Dr. Green lists a number of skills that let's just say behaviorally challenged kids might be lacking. Emma, listen them, because I think it's helpful. You're now a detective, and you are trying to figure out what skill is my child missing, that is resulting in the behaviors I'm seeing, and it can be any number of things. Here's some that he lists, difficulty handling transition, shifting from one mindset or task to another. And my life and my family that was a very big one. Another one difficulty doing things in logical sequence or prescribed order, or poor sense of time, our child might have difficulty reflecting on multiple thoughts or ideas simultaneously, the child may be having difficulty considering the likely outcome or the consequences of inaction, therefore, they're impulsive, the child may have difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem, they may be the type of kid who gets fixated on one thing, and then just doesn't have the ability to bump over into pull back and see more options. They could have difficulty managing emotional responses to frustration. And when you're frustrated, we all know it's really hard to think rationally, they may have difficulty deviating from the rules are routine. We've done it this way. So Nope. Now we need to go to the library now. Because if we don't, the library's going to be closed. But this is our routine. Some kids just don't make that transition well. Difficulty accurately interpreting social cues, not being able to read the room. As we say in our house, a child may have difficulty appreciating how's he is coming across or being perceived by others, not being aware of how his behavior is affecting others. So I'm going to encourage you to spend some time identifying what skills your child is lacking. When is her behavior at or worse, that can be a clue. Look for patterns or when she struggles the most. Most children are fairly predictable. If we look for patterns, I would have said in my life that that wasn't true. But as soon as I started looking for them, I began to see them. If you can shift your perspective to being a detective, to identifying the skills that your child is missing, then you will stand a good chance of succeeding, helping your child and helping them improve. And let me mention that there is an excellent guide that creating a family has a practical guide to parenting, a child exposed to trauma. I cannot recommend it enough. It is such a good resource. And it's available on our website creating a family.org Before you go, let me tell you about the creating a family e newsletter. It's free. It's terrific. All you got to do is sign up for it and you will every month get a newsletter in your inbox and we curate four of the best resources that we have seen that month that would help you. And when you do you get a free guide. So in this case, you can sign up at Bitly slash C A F guy, it's bi T dot L y slash C A F guy. Thanks for listening to this week's weekend wisdom. If you liked it, please tell a friend who subscribed at wherever they subscribe to the creating a family.org podcasts Once you subscribe. We can wisdom automatically drops into your feed on Sunday.