Who Should We Tell About a Match With an Expectant Mom? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: My husband and I started the adoption process a few months ago and we just matched with an expectant mom. We are obviously excited, but we also know that a lot can happen or change between now and her due date. My question is two fold. (1) Although a lot of people in our life know we are going through the adoption process, who should we tell beyond our immediate families? (2) I am a small business owner. Since we are adopting a baby from another state, I am expecting to be out for at least a couple of weeks and then back at work on a limited schedule as my husband and I share caretaking duties. Internally, my team is already aware and on board with when this will happen, and they will handle client requests on my behalf while I am out. But at what point is it appropriate to share with my clients that this change is taking place? 

Resources:

• Failed Adoption Matches: How Common? How Costly? How to Survive
• Signs that an Expectant Woman May Change Her Mind about Placing Her Child for Adoption
• Tips for Coping When Your Domestic Infant Adoption is On Hold

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome to Weekend Wisdom. This is our opportunity at creating a family to answer
your questions. So please send us your questions. You can submit them via email to
info @creatingafamily .org or there's a link in the show notes and you can click on
that. Either way, it will get to us. So today the question is about who we should
tell about a match with an expectant mom. and it's from Cass and she writes, "Hi
Dawn, my husband and I started the adoption process a few months ago and we just
matched with an expected mom. We're obviously excited, but we also know that a lot
can happen or change between now and her due date. My question is twofold. First,
although a lot of people in our lives know we are going through the adoption
process, who should we tell beyond our immediate families? And second, I'm a small
business owner, since we are adopting a baby from another state, I'm expecting to be
out for at least a couple of weeks and then back at work on a limited schedule as
my husband and I share caretaking duties. Internally, my team is already aware and
on board with when all this will happen, and they will handle client requests on my
behalf while I am out. But at what point is it appropriate to share with my
clients that this change is taking place. Thank you so much. Well, Cass,
first of all, congrats on getting a match with an expected mom so soon. That's
wonderful, and I'm really happy for you. So you ask a good question, and you're
wise to know that a lot can happen, regardless of how far into the pregnancy she
is. The often overlooked reality of domestic infant adoption is that it is not
uncommon at all for a mom to change her mind and decide to parent. You know, it's
one thing to plan in the abstract that you're gonna place your child for adoption,
but it's another thing entirely to actually go through with it. Plus, she may find
some support, be it financial or emotional along the way in the meantime, that makes
parenting feasible. However, although it's, there are no guarantees, the further along
in a pregnancy she is, the more likely that she has thought through everything and
will not change her mind. And I don't know how far along the expected mom you have
been matched with, how far pregnant she is. I would recommend a really good article
we did several years ago called Failed Adoption Matches, How Common, How Costly,
and How to Survive. Just Google that. It's on our site, but you can just Google
it. It's a terrific article. Now to your questions. Who should you tell beyond your
immediate families. You know, the problem with telling people is that almost no one
outside of the world of adoption understands how it really works. I mean, most
people think that a match is a done deal, that the expected mom has promised you,
i .e. the expected mom owes you, and they're going to want to throw you a baby
shower. As an aside, you can decide what to do about a baby shower. But many
people find it hard to live with all the stuff if, in fact, the mom changes her
mind. So it's something to think about. For that reason, a lot of people opt for a
baby shower that's meet and greet with the baby after the baby is here. But that's
up to you. That's not your question. Who should we tell outside of our immediate
family? So the other problem with telling is that if you tell some folks, how do
you draw the line of who to tell and who not to tell? You run the risk of
hurting feelings, so you told so -and -so, but you didn't tell me, and that could
hurt feelings, and the other problem is that it is just human nature. You tell one
person, and they feel like, "Well, I could tell my best friend, or I could tell my
spouse, or I could tell..." And so it's a domino effect. One person tells one
person, and that one person tells one person, and that person tells one person. So
pretty soon, a lot of people know. But there are also problems with not telling.
Number one, you're excited and part of the experience is to share it with other
folks. I mean, it is an exciting time. And also, if the match does fall through,
you're going to experience a real loss. And the more people who know, the more
people who can support you and help you through this loss. So I know I've just
shared both sides of the coin here. So what to do? and obviously there is no right
answer. I guess one of the questions is how much support do you feel like you need
through this process? And that matters. I was not a person, I didn't adopt
domestically, I mean, I didn't adopt an infant, so it was different, but I did not
feel like I needed a lot of support for the process and therefore kept the circle
very tight. But that's me, I should add. One thing is that if you're partnered, I
think you are, I think you said we, so I think you have a spouse. Maybe each of
you could tell your best friend and no one else and ask them not to tell so that
you're each getting some outside support outside of your family if you're feeling the
need for that. And whoever you tell, you need to educate them on the adoption
process. You need to stress things like the baby is hers until she signs the papers
and that she can't sign the papers until after birth and things like it's a huge
life altering decision and many people change their minds. And you can even share
some of the stats from our failed adoption match article that I told you about. Use
words like we're cautiously optimistic or you could say it's a weird place to be.
Maybe I'll be a mom in three months, but maybe not so that you're setting realistic
expectations with the people you are telling so that because it's not helpful for
them to be outraged if the adoption match fails. Their anger and their feeling that
you have been done wrong really won't help you grieve. So your second question was
at what point is it appropriate to share with your clients that this change is
taking place? You know, it's hard to answer because you don't mention the type of
small business and it really depends on the relationship you have with your clients.
You could tell them, and it would be relevant to tell them that you're planning to
adopt. And you could say it's an unknown timeframe, but when it happens, I'll likely
be out for a couple of weeks and then part time for a while, but my team is in
place to handle all of your needs while this happens with minimal disruption, so
that you're giving them a heads up that's something, but you're not sharing much of
the details. And if it were me, I wouldn't tell them of this match, because I
don't know. I wouldn't want to have to go through all the ups and downs of this
changing, and I wouldn't want to have to then go back to them and say, "Well, no,
the mom decided to parent." I just don't know. It wouldn't feel professional to me,
but then again, I don't know the relationship you have with your clients, and it
may be a very close relationship. And as a due date approaches, there could be a
client that will be particularly impacted when you take off, and if that's the case,
you can tell them on a case -by -case basis. I hope this has been helpful for you
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