What You Should Know About Disrupting Birth Order in Adoption & Foster Care

Should you consider adopting or fostering a child who is older than a child already in your family? Are there things you can do to make it easier for all the children? We talk to Elizabeth Bohlken, Director of Education and Support at Children's Home Society and Lutheran Social Services of Minnesota, to talk about the preparation, joys, and challenges of disrupting birth order.

In this episode:

• What is disrupting birth order?
• Why is this a topic that prospective adoptive or foster parents should educate themselves about?
• When combining children by birth and adoption, is it better for the adopted child to be the eldest, the youngest, or in the middle?
• Is there an age gap that is most recommended or best practice between children when disrupting birth order?
• Are there similarities between families that have a blend of children by adoption and birth, and families with blended children from divorce and remarriage?
• How much does age really matter?
  • At what age is a child least affected by having their birth order disrupted?
  • At what age is a child most affected?
  • Is it best to disrupt the birth order of the eldest or the youngest in a family?
• How should parents handle a situation where the newly adopted child is older in age but younger on an emotional or behavioral level?
• What steps can prospective adoptive or foster parents take to prepare children already in the home for the adoption of a sibling, especially an older child?
• What type of sleeping arrangements should parents use in the first couple of months at home when they are adopting a child who is older than their other children?
• What types of behaviors might a parent or caregiver see in the early stages of this new dynamic?
• Why is sibling rivalry a common outcome of disrupting birth order?
  • How to handle physically aggressive behavior between children?
• Practical tips to ease the transition for all the children in the family.
• Parenting mentalities/techniques to help a family adjust to a disrupted birth order?
• What is virtual or artificial twinning?
• What should parents consider before adopting a child of a similar age (within about 9 months) to a child already in the family?
• What are the warning signs that parents need to get help with an adoption that disrupts birth order or involves virtual twinning?
• What type of therapies or therapists should families look for to support birth order changes or artificial twinning?
• What should parents understand about the risk factors of sexual or physical abuse that a child may have experienced before being adopted or placed in this foster home?
• Where and how do parents get help to support their family in the transitions of disrupting birth order?

Resources:

• Sibling Relationships (Resource page)

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

Welcome to Creating a Family, talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care.
Today, we're going to talk about something that might get overlooked when families
are first starting to consider adoption or foster care, and that is how adding a
new child to the family can shift birth order, or what can happen when two kids in
the home are nearly the same age, which is a situation that sometimes we call
virtual twinning. These changes can have real impacts on the relationships and
emotions in the family dynamics and even the way that kids see themselves in the
family. Hello, I'm Tracy Whitney, the host of creating a family, talk about adoption,
foster care, and kinship care. And I'm excited to introduce you today to Elizabeth
Bolkin. She's the director of education and support at Children's Home Society and
Lutheran Social Services of Minnesota. She's going to
So when we talk about disrupting birth order, what we mean is bringing a child into
the family that is going to be adjusting the placement of any children that are
currently in the family. And so this can happen in a lot of ways, but people often
think of it as adopting a child in an order in which you would not have had them
had they been born to you. So an example would be if you have a seven -year -old
and a 10 -year -old already in your home. Again, a frequent way that people
conceptualize adopting out of birth order would be bringing a child over the age of
seven into the home. But that is not the only way. So there's a lot of ways that
we can mix it up. Okay. And why is this a topic that prospective adoptive or
foster parents should educate themselves about? Whenever a family is considering
adopting a child, it's hugely important that we consider the impact of that decision
on all of the members in the household and especially children. It can be really
helpful to learn about how the impact of birth order influences the reactions and
the needs of other children already in the home, their sense of self, and it will
help parents kind of make an informed decision about what age they might be open
into, especially if you're considering foster care adoption, for example, where there
is that wide age. It can also help you to assess how children in your home will
respond and helps parents just become more aware of the experiences of kids in the
home and become more empathetic towards their experience when you bring a new child
in. So when you're combining children by birth and adoption or adoption where already
existing adopted children are living, is it better for the newly adopted child to be
the oldest, the youngest, or somewhere in the middle?
It really depends on the family dynamics,
no matter how a child joins your family, whether it is by birth or by adoption,
you know, everyone in that household is going to have to get used to that new
sibling. Our experience has shown that placing a child as the youngest can result in
less feelings of displacement by other children in the home. For a lot of families,
this feels like the more traditional route of adding children to their family, and
they might be more confident in navigating that. However, you might have a situation
where you have a young child in your home who's been the youngest for a while, and
that is a really important part of who they are. And so in that family dynamic,
perhaps bringing a child in who is older than that youngest child is going to be
better because it allows that youngest child to remain the baby of the family. So I
certainly don't want folks to think that placement of children as a middle or even
as an oldest won't work or shouldn't happen. It's a consideration among many when
you're considering adopting for your family. So a lot of it is learning what your
own existing children who are already in the home are capable of,
what their developmental stage and age may be. Absolutely. Kind of observing and
knowing your children really well before you make a final decision. It really is
exactly that. It is children who are in your home. And, you know,
hopefully by the point that you're considering adopting, you have had time to get to
know those kids. I know, we'll talk in more detail as we go here, but, you know,
young children might be not as affected. You might not know them as well, but
certainly knowing your own children is going to be a great starting point for this
conversation. Is there an age gap that is generally most recommended or best practice
between children when disrupting birth order? You know, there isn't necessarily a
concrete age gap. However, when we think about school -aged children,
if you are open to a situation where children would be very close in age or even
potentially the same age as a child in your home, you do run into the possibility
of artificially twinning, where you are taking placement of a child who is the same
age as a child in the home. And so if you end up with kids who are, for example,
in the same grade level, we would really recommend talking to the school about
placing those kids in separate classrooms so that they can maintain their own
identity and independence in that school setting. Great advice. Are there similarities
between families that have a blend of children by birth and adoption and families
who have blended children by divorce and remarriage? Absolutely.
In both situations, you are bringing together people who have totally different family
cultures and experiences, and you are asking them to live together as a family unit.
And so that takes time to feel natural. So it's really important that parents are
modeling, respect, and operation for their children, and also really validating each
child's feelings about the changes going on in the home, even if you can't
necessarily make changes to what has, you know, happened. You're bringing people in.
We're not going to have a child go back into foster care because we're not feeling
that our other child is doing super well. We're going to find other ways to
navigate that, but you can still validate the child's feelings and help find
solutions.
We'd like to take a moment and say a special thank you to the Dave Thomas
Foundation for Adoption for sponsoring this podcast. The Dave Thomas Foundation for
Adoption believes that together we can ensure every child has a permanent, loving
family. Read the stories of youth and families touched by adoption, including adoption
from foster care, and access resources for parents, caregivers and child welfare
professionals at dave thomas foundation .org.
So now that we kind of understand how this happens in theory, let's get to the
practical stuff that parents usually want to talk about. The first question that we
hear from parents is quite often, how much does age really matter when you're
talking about disrupting birth order? Yeah. So again, I would focus less on the age
of the child in the home. And I would focus more on what we have already
mentioned, their behavior, their development, where they are cognitively,
how much they understand the concept of someone coming into the home and really
assessing all of those factors when deciding where we might want to consider placing
a child in that each continuum. And assessing their temperament, some kids are just
real chill, go with the flow, things don't really kind of ruffle them easily. Other
kids maybe are a little more rigid, like structure and routine and predictability
more than, you know, their chilled brother or sister. And so understanding that about
each child are also factors that we should consider. Absolutely.
Yes. Is there an age at which a child may be least affected by having their birth
order disrupted? Yeah. Well, again, every child's unique, but certainly an infant or
a toddler wouldn't have, like a young toddler, would not have the awareness of
what's happening and so would likely be least impacted. And what ages do you think
are probably most affected? So when we think about kind of regular development,
toddlers that those older toddlers and preschoolers tend to have the hardest time
with transitions in general because they are aware of things changing but lack the
coping strategies and the language to really talk about their experience and what's
going on in their worlds. So that age range could struggle with those changes. And
then We can also see older teens who may experience like a deep emotional impact,
especially if the placement of the child in the home has an impact on their social
life or their own sense of self. And not coincidentally, both of those ages are
ages and stages at which kids are reaching for independence. Obviously,
at the toddler level, they're doing it often without words, maybe more physically.
But in either case, that reach for independence.
exacerbate that challenge of adjustment and transition. So is it best to,
I say best, like best practice, or is it most recommended to disrupt the birth
order of the eldest or of the youngest? Yeah. We often find that disrupting the
oldest child in the home is the most challenging for families. Yeah. And there's a
lot of really good reasons for that. Yes. And there's a lot of, there's a lot of
research out there about birth order in general and the impact on your personality
and just how that kind of sets the trajectory of your life in a lot of ways. And
so I think it makes sense that for that oldest child, if they were to be displaced
in that position, that it would be more challenging than some of the other positions
for kids, just based on that research that's out there. However, if you have a
situation where you're a young family, maybe you've got kind of that early elementary
age, maybe you've got a toddler, and you are wanting to open your home to a much
older child who needs that support kind of as they're getting ready to enter
adulthood, you know, that's a situation where there might be enough of a gap there
that your oldest five -year -old is in such a different place than that 16 -17 -year
-old that it could, it could work fine. Right. So again, family dynamics and the
specifics of your family are something to consider. But generally disrupting that
oldest child is going to, is going to be the most challenging for families. Most
challenging. Yeah. So how should parents handle a situation where their newly adopted
or new foster child is older in age, but younger on an emotional level than other
children who are in the home. Yeah. So obviously, each child's social, emotional
behavior level is something that we consider that's just as significant as their
actual age. What I would recommend to parents is to have the conversation with the
kids in your home about how expectations may look different for a child coming into
the home, regardless of their age. And so talking with kids about the difference
between what is fair and what is equitable, because what parents really should strive
for is equity across the children in the home, not necessarily what's going to look
fair on the outside. And you really want to base how you parent each child on
their needs and abilities. So it's pretty common in our adoptive and foster and
kinship community to have a child that has maybe many different emotional and social
skill levels or ages. We call it many children in one child,
or many children in one body. Can you give us kind of an example of how that
might play out in a regular daily life scenario. Yeah. So you might have a child
who has come into the home and they are,
I'm just going to throw out an age. Let's say they're eight. And that eight -year
-old may be very savvy and know what to say and when to say it and have some good
intellectual is an understanding. But when that child runs into a situation where
they aren't getting to do something their way or we're asking them to transition and
they're not ready to, they have a tantrum like a three -year -old. Right. And so I
think, you know, parents get a lot of education, hopefully, about how to navigate.
What are we doing? how are we parenting this eight -year -old in a way that helps
them when they're in their three -year -old brain space? But we don't do as much
talking about that with kids in the home. And so I would love to have parents as
you're learning some of these things with all of the other wonderful trainings that
are out there. Take that back and kind of think about it and think, okay, how can
I talk to my kids about what we're going to be doing in the home if this happens.
And sometimes there are things that you can do to help kids start to understand
this early on when you're still in your home study process. And other things are
going to be more dependent on the child you actually end up matching with. And then
you could really start to do some of that planning. But I would just really
encourage parents to take what you're learning and put it in a way, again, you know
your kids best, figure out what, how can I explain this to them in a way that's
going to make sense to that? Yeah. So let's go ahead and start talking a little
bit about preparation. What are some of the things that adoptive and foster parents
can start doing before they even bring a child into their home that will set their
family up for some success? Absolutely. Always start with open communication.
If your child is of an age where they can understand the concept of someone coming
into their family, be talking with them about that very early on. This should not
be something that you spring on your children by any means. As you move further
along into the adoption process, then, continue to have those conversations asking
them how they might feel about having a child come into the home, having a child
who is younger, older, similar an age to them. And just, again, as much as you
can, talking to them in a developmentally appropriate way about the impact of
adoption on families, what adoptive kids may have experienced in their lives.
We live in, or we're really lucky to live in a time when there are some great
child -friendly resources available that talk about how our brains work, what trauma
is for kids, being a conspicuous family. So I'd encourage parents to be seeking out
those resources to talk with their kids. And then beyond that, working on building
your child's toolbox around coping strategies. So if they struggle with coping right
now when things don't go their way or whatever that may be, this is the time to
start really building up those skills for the children already in the home so that
they have that toolbox to pull from when big feelings come up. So keep validating
their feelings, even if you can't change the situation. I always encourage families
to consider participating in family therapy to help navigate those transitions and
those feelings. And then also really importantly, we talk about this all the time,
but building as much community support as you can, but in this case specifically
around the children already in the home. So who can they talk to when something is
going on and they don't want to talk to their parents? Where can they go if they
need a break from the home? So thinking about all of those things early on,
again, you don't have to have everything planned out by the time you're in your
home study process, but be thinking about those for sure. And you mentioned the home
study process. Make sure when you do start the home study process that you use the
social worker as a resource for other things that your specific family could be
doing. And one thing that I always love to include in these conversations is the
recommended book lists that creating a family hosts on our website, we have fantastic
kids books that you can start reading with your children. Sometimes when we offer
our kids kind of that neutral third party of a cute fuzzy raccoon or a fun little
panda.
that what do you think you would do if that was you how does oh i wonder how
that panda bear must feel about that and preparing them with kind of that neutral
third party thing that takes the heat off of them but it also equips them with
some social emotional language skills that they're not even aware that they're
adapting to when you're continuing to expose them to that kind of helpful media
absolutely so one thing that we do here parents ask a lot about when they're
coming into the home is going to have their own room. The exception would be if
you're adopting a sibling group, you know, I think depending on their history, you
could look at having those children share a room. We do not recommend that an older
child coming into the home share a room with a younger child already in the home.
You know, there's never a completely risk -free situation when you are bringing new
people together. So it's really important that families are talking with their worker
about initially general safety planning. And then once you find out the specific
child entering your home, more specific safety planning, as as well as just
continuing to receive education around trauma and abuse and how that can present
kids. And how should we be talking to our resident children, that is the children
still in the, or initially in the home, about those conversations? Yeah.
So a couple of things come to mind. I would start with just generally talking about
each person's own space and what is kind of private versus public spaces in the
homes. I think that can be a helpful place to start if you do have the ability to
give a child coming into the home their own room. You know, make that their space.
make the children who are already in the home, their bedrooms be their space, have
rules in place around, you know, we only enter each other's rooms if the doors are
open, if we've asked permission, if you feel the need, if mom and dad are there.
So that would be the first thing. And then I think also just talking with kids,
like I hope that parents are doing regardless, but just around kind of like, you
know, personal bodily safety.
freak out. Yeah. You know, you will get through it. Your workers will help you with
that. There's lots of resources there. So make sure your kids know how to come to
you if something does make them uncomfortable. Yeah. And also make sure you have
educated yourself on what is healthy, normal, typical development stages for issues
around body awareness, body autonomy, consent, things like that, so that you know
what to expect from your children. And then when you're welcoming a new child,
whether it's by adoption or by foster care, you kind of have a general working
knowledge of what you could potentially expect from them, but understanding that they
may have had some extenuating circumstances around those issues of abuse or
sexualization or things like that. Yeah. And it's good, safe practices for everyone
in the house to know that information. It absolutely is. And I think that there is
so much of what kids may do feels uncomfortable to adults for a lot of social
reasons. But when you look at the research of what is actually developmentally
appropriate for kids to be exploring their bodies and things, we'd be surprised, I
think, as adults, as what is normal. So I absolutely agree that we should, that
parents should be reading in on that too and figuring out, okay, what does it mean
to be developmentally appropriate, to be exploring our bodies, to be wanting to learn
about some of these things.
So even with all kinds of preparation, these early weeks and months of welcoming a
new child who has disrupted birth order or who is very close in age to one of our
resident children, it can still be bumpy. It can still feel like you've got both
hands on the safety bar of the roller coaster and you're just hanging on for dear
life. Let's talk about what some of the things parents and caregivers might see once
everybody is under the same roof. What are some of the behaviors that they might
need to be able to expect or some of the attitudes or those things. Yeah.
So, I mean, one of the things that comes up can be rivalry. After you get through
that initial honeymoon period, that is not completely uncommon.
So again, there's been a lot of research conducted on that impact of birth order,
just generally on a person's identity and sense of self. So if we're disrupting
that, we may be impacting that child self -identity. And so this can lead to the
feeling of loss of control, competitiveness about the child that is specifically
displacing them. And so families may see an increase in behavioral issues from the
child already in the home that they may not have seen before. Sometimes there's a
regression in skills that they have mastered. And sometimes it's emotional withdrawal.
So again, extremely child dependent. But it's a lot of the same things that we talk
about seeing with children coming into the home. So it's not all that different. And
we would handle it in a lot of the same ways. And this is another instance where
in those early days, your social worker will be one of your best resources. You
need to stay in close contact and Take advantage of the resources and trainings that
they can offer you, the support, the respite, the care that they can offer you.
Reach out if you have questions and feel like this does not feel like it could
possibly be normal. You're not alone. It happens to all of us who are adjusting
when we bring a new child into our home. It's just that sometimes disrupting birth
order, creating those dynamics for sibling rivalry or competition can feel so much
heightened because your child who was living there with you before may have never
behaved in this way before. So when we are looking at children who are coming into
our homes, we sometimes see some pretty aggressive behavior and it can feel,
again, very disruptive and upsetting to, you know, parents. We have expectations of
one thing and the reality is a completely different other thing. So how, how should
a new parent or new foster parent handle aggressive behavior when that child is now
the oldest and has disrupted the former oldest child? Yeah. So I would start by
encouraging parents to recall, recognize that the aggressive behavior is communicating
that there is a need not being met. And so there is some support that is going to
be required for that. Biggest thing, you know, seeking out that age -appropriate
therapy to address that underlying need, figuring out, okay,
what strategies have worked for this child for when there, if there ever has been
any aggression in the past. Again, having that safety plan for the younger children
in the home, okay, this child is being aggressive. What do you do? How do you
remove yourself from that situation? Who do you talk to about that situation? And
these are all things, the safety planning that I've been referring to, that's a
really great thing for your worker to sit down and help you through, and it can be
adjusted. I would include the child's placing worker in that conversation, too, if it
all possible. And then, of course, making sure that the child who is on the
receiving end of the aggression is also receiving support, whether that's just from
the parents or whether that is also through some sort of therapy or alternative
source. Yeah, the most important thing you can do is make sure that everyone stays
safe and feels safe. And so that's going to mean different things for the two
different children who are involved, but both of them deserve to be supported.
I love your reminder that behavior is an expression of a need. And if we can kind
of take a step back and say they're not acting out that way because they want to
be mean and ugly, they're acting out that way because they're afraid or because
they're uncertain or because they feel confused and they don't know how to handle
everything that's going on inside of them, it kind of helps us kind of diffuse what
might feel like, you know, our own really big feelings of protection and concern
about where the trajectory of this behavior would be going. I think we can
catastrophize when we have physical behavior happening in the home, parents can easily
catastrophes. And it's really important to kind of take a step, take a pause,
breathe, and then look at it for what it really is. At their core,
I do believe that children want to do good and they want to be good. And so if
that's helpful for you as a parent to kind of keep that mantra almost in your
head, as a reminder when things are happening, I completely agree with you.
As parents, it is so easy to catastrophize. And so really, what is this behavior
saying? What is this behavior saying? What do I, what do I need to learn when this
child is behaving in this way is what I would encourage parents to kind of keep as
a rolling, a rolling track in their heads. I love that. Dr. Ross Green says kids
do well if they can. And if they can't do well, why is that? And that's just such
a good reminder to just, the other thing that he says is they're not giving me a
hard time, they're having a hard time. And so those are two kind of reframes that
I try to keep in my mind when I'm dealing with sibling rivalry or things like
that. Yeah. So let's talk about some of the practical tips that parents and
caregivers can
So again, thinking about the child coming into the home, where are they at
developmentally, what are all of their appointments or extracurriculars or whatever
that is. What is that going to look like? So thinking about the routine that's
happening in your home. As much as you can, try to keep a stable routine in the
house for the children who are already in the home. And if there are going to be
any major changes to that routine, communicate that with your kids early on. I find
it is super helpful for families to have some sort of visual schedule available for
the kids. So whether that's like a whole monthly calendar or a week by week layout,
something that you can reference back to, especially if your kids are old enough
where they can read that calendar then. That can be very helpful. I would also make
sure that any children in the home are part of transitional visits, which are most
likely to occur in foster care adoption. But after the parents have had an
opportunity to meet that child who will be placed with them, make sure those kids
in the home are being included in those transition visits as well. And then
encourage fun activities between the kids that are going to build trust and bonding.
You know, don't make everything a party because you don't want them to feel like
that's their new You know, see what you can do that is that is fun and that's
going to kind of build almost like team bonding for your family, right? Right. Try
not to put yourself in a place where you are creating rivalries between the children
unnecessarily. So while you're having your fun, avoid competition,
avoid competition based fun. And also avoid labeling kids. Like one,
this is a silly example. But if you say like, oh, he's the fast one, like, you
know, if you're doing races or whatever, like, just avoid those sorts of things in
general. Make sure that each child has a place in the home, like we talked about,
that is theirs, that they can just go when they need that away time. Have some
really clearly laid out, but not too many, like a succinct list of house rules that
are kind of your like your big ones that are not going to budge, and then have a
plan for respite and breaks for everyone in the home. So parents and children should
be able to have those breaks at times. Yeah. One of the beneficial breaks that I
think we don't think about often enough is bringing in someone who can kind of be
a mentor to the kids that are already in the home. Because when you first bring a
child home, whether it's disrupting a birth order or not, when you first bring a
child home, your parental attention is more naturally going to be on that child and
their transition and their adjustment. If you can kind of gather your village around
you and, you know, say your one child has a really great relationship with an
uncle, have that uncle pick the kid up, you know, once or twice a month for, you
know, an ice cream date or a bowling date or something like that. So that that
child still has plenty of safe adults around them, but also they know that you've
taken the time to set that up for them and you've communicated to them that this
season of mom's attention being focused mostly on Johnny while he's adjusting,
it's not going to last forever. But while it does last, Uncle Mark's going to be
your guy to really, you know, be there for you. I love that. I love the idea of
having kind of that backup person who can step in and be that extra support for
the child. In a similar reign, I didn't mention this, but I'll throw this out here
now, is that I really would encourage parents, as hard as it is, try to make one
on one time with each of your children at least once a week, something that is
just the two of you. But even if it's five minutes a day, even just five minutes
of like directed attention doing something enjoyable can have a huge impact on that
ongoing parent -child connection. Yeah. And I want to go ahead and add to what you
said to kind of take the weight off a little bit, it can be, hey, would you run
to the grocery store with me? Or I'm going to take a walk down to the end of the
street to drop off cookies to the neighbor that just had a baby. Would you walk
with me? And just kind of decreasing the pressure on parents to make this one -on
-one time be this big thing. That's another thing on your to -do checklist. list, but
also taking the pressure off the kids that this big one -on -one time has to be
something because that's probably not how they were used to it being before this new
sibling joined the family. And it kind of lowers the pressure for everyone.
Let me interrupt this conversation about disrupting birth order to say that we want
to hear from you listeners. We want to know about you and your family. So if you
use the link in your podcast player or in the YouTube show notes, if you're
watching us over there, you can tell us about your family. You can tell us where
you catch your podcasts regularly. You can tell us a little bit about what you want
to learn more about, what topics would be interesting for you to hear about. And
what brings you back every week to listen again and again? Your input will be so
appreciated and we can't wait to hear from you. In the meantime, let's go back to
the interview with Elizabeth.
So what are some of the parenting techniques that you in your experience have seen
to be very helpful when a family is adopting out of birth order? And when I say
parenting techniques, I mean, parenting models maybe that would be different than this
practical tips you just offered. Well, so as I mentioned earlier,
avoiding any age -based privileges or milestones that are based on age,
and instead try to reframe the conversation in your home to be more about ability
and maturity, focusing on what is going well as much as possible.
I think there's the, you know, five yeses to everyone know is something that gets
thrown around a lot, but it is very powerful. So for all of the kids in the home,
if you can focus on saying yes to more things than saying no, and this is hard,
but again, we're talking about kind of trying to avoid creating rivalries. Are you
always saying yes to your biological child or, you know, you're previously adopted
child that over the situation isn't always saying no to the child who's been placed?
If that is happening, check yourself and think, okay, how can I reframe some of
these things so that I'm not saying no as often or I'm not directly saying no? And
so that, you know, that is something to consider as well is how are you treating
both children? There's going to be differences. That's where we have that earlier
conversation about equity, but not sending yourself up for a situation where those
kids are going to very obviously be like, oh, mom never says yes to me, but always
says yes to my brother. For me, I think just frequent communication with your kids,
checking in on a regular basis, normalizing that.
in different communities, but some attachment focused parenting skills,
building up your connected parenting skills, anything that is going to build trust,
because it'll benefit all of the children, not just the newly adopted or newly
placed foster child, but anything that will build trust and build connection so that
that's what you focus on first. And some of the things that you mentioned are
inherent to some of those parenting models, but there's a lot to the Thank you.
If folks are looking for like a specific model, for example, trust -based relational
intervention is one that children's home offers that teaches a lot of those skills
that can be implemented. But yes, you're right. There are many out there and kind
of finding one that's the right fit for your family. Right. Keeping in mind kind of
that, like we talked about the mantra, like behavior is telling me something. Yeah.
Focus, you know, attachment first, brain first, a lot of those, everything that is
kind of putting the behavior on the back burner and focusing on the more positive
things on the front end. Right.
Teaching ourselves to treat the behavior as a symptom, not as the crisis or the
problem.
So sometimes these challenges are magnified, challenges like sibling rivalry or
competition or aggressive behavior or even dislike or disattachment between siblings,
these challenges can be magnified when two children are just about the same age.
That's called virtual twinning. It used to be considered not at all best practice
and like disrupting birth order was never recommended and almost never allowed for
lack of a better word, that is no longer the case in the recent years,
agencies and social workers and researchers have indicated that there are safe and
healthy ways to do it like we're talking about with disrupting birth order. So
virtual twinning, what is it? And what are some of the common issues that we should
consider when we're thinking about adopting a child of a similar age? Yeah. So,
right, that virtual or that artificial twinning is when you're,
which is eating, sleeping, or toileting, rivalry also tends to be more common with
kids who are really close in age. So if you are deciding about adopting clothes in
age, really consider the disposition of the child in your home. Are they very strong
in who they are and where they are in the family and their age? Or are they a
more like lax go with the flow? kind of like you had mentioned earlier, Tracy. So
consider the disposition of the child. And consider as well, okay, if we do,
if I've got a five -year -old and I'm going to adopt a five -year -old, how am I
making sure that each child is viewed as an individual and are not packaged together
in the way that we would with biological twins often? So despite their close age,
what are we as a parents going to do to make sure that they continue as their own
individuals with their own identities? And I would recommend that if you have parents
of twins in your life, consider talking to them and asking them, what are some of
the challenges that you've faced in helping your children develop their own identity,
develop their autonomy, and start thinking about how you could or could not handle
that yourself. there's no shame in saying that you can't handle it. And you don't
get a choice when you're giving birth to twins, but you do get a choice when
you're choosing to virtually or artificially twin through adoption or foster care. So
take advantage of that opportunity and seek out some other parents that maybe have
already done this and have has some years under their belt that they can speak
knowledgeably to what were the joys and what were the challenges? Yeah. What are
some situations where virtual twinning could actually work really well or maybe even
strengthen a sibling relationship? Yeah. So there can be children who are,
you know, adopted siblings who are close in age and may end up with an amazing
bond. However, it is again, so extremely, I feel like a broken racket here,
extremely child dependent, and so parents should follow the cues of their children.
One situation where I have seen this work really well was with a relative adoption.
There were two boys who were biologically cousins, but became brothers through
adoption. They were the same age, had a really good relationship. But in that case,
the parents were very conscious of ensuring that each child still had their own
identity, had their own unique pieces, you know, they were in different classes, they
were in different activities. So they didn't, it would have been very easy to say,
oh, well, we're, you know, we're only going to do this one activity because that's
what we can handle running around with. But they said, no, we're going to continue
to support each child's own interests. And we're going to make that work for our
family. And it did. I've also seen at work in, I'm part of the China adoption
community. I've seen at work where parents, back when they used to allow adoption of
two children at once in China, they would bring home two children from the same
orphanage who had been in the orphanage together for years and had formed and
created this unique and special bond between them. And I've seen that work where the
children just felt bereft at the idea of not having that person with them that they
had already considered for years to be a sibling.
And that is an interesting situation where if you do have kids who have been living
together, whether it is in an orphanage or in a foster home for a long period of
time, you know, I think it would be uncommon for them to be adopted to the same
family, but that doesn't, like, it could work. And You may find workers,
social workers out there that are willing to do that if that is a really
significant bond for those two kids.
Let me interrupt one more time to say thank you to the Jockey Being Family
Foundation. They sponsor a library of 15 free online courses that also come with a
certificate of completion if you want it or need it when you take the course. If
you go to Bitley slash JBF support, that's BIT .L .L .Y slash JBF support.
You can take one of the classes or all of the classes and strengthen your family's
parenting skills and build up your parenting toolbox for the things that you will
face like disrupting birth order or virtual twinning. So let's go back to the
interview now.
So let's talk about when families think they might need some outside help and what
that help might look like. What are some of the warning signs that maybe a parent
should consider outside help? Yeah. So when we think about warning signs,
we are looking for behavioral signals, both in children and in parents.
So in parents, we would be looking for a constant heightened level of stress and
overwhelm, which probably sounds silly if you're already in this. You're like, well,
of course I'm overwhelmed. But really like a significantly heightened level of that.
Withdrawing from supports that you had previously engaged with or from your social
network, increase conflict between partners and then resentment towards the child.
So those are some of the things that we're going to be looking for in parents. And
then as we look at children, we'll be looking for regression in skills that they
had previously mastered, aggression towards others in the home or at school,
withdrawal, and escalating sibling rivalry over time or some of those things that
we're looking for. So when we think about, okay, what can we do? Ideally, connecting
with a adoption competent therapist is a great place to start. Families may also
find it helpful to access a combination of resources, such as support groups,
a family support coach, mentor or buddy family, additional respite.
So I often recommend families like, okay, How can we kind of stack our supports
when we're really seeing these signs of struggle? Yep. If parents are interested in
support for an adoptive or foster family that has just done this,
you know, disrupting of birth order or artificial twinning, they can reach out to me
at Tracy at creating a family .org. I can help them connect with either our Facebook
group, which is Facebook .com slash groups slash creating a family or email me at
Tracy at creating a family .org because we have the large Facebook group or we also
have post -adoptive and foster family support groups that we offer. And they're
fantastic places to feel seen and, you know, commiserate when you need to and then
learn from others life skills and life experiences. So this is a little bit of a
touchy topic for a lot of people, but can disrupting birth order be a predictor of
an adoption disillusion? So no, I would not say it is a predictor.
It can be a contributing factor. And what type of therapist other than You mentioned
somebody who's adoption competent. Are we looking for individual therapy? Are we
looking for family therapy? Are we looking for play therapy? Like, what are some of
the things that are out there? Yes. So play therapy is out there.
There are various forms and kind of models of family therapy that can be done. That
would either include parents in the adoptive child or the entire family unit. There
are in -home therapies that are a little bit more intensive that will Thank you.
you're already doing therapy, but want more of that, like, coaching situation. And
then also things like occupational therapy can be really beneficial for kids who are
struggling to regulate. There are a lot of regulation skills that occupational
therapists can assist with. So that's one that parents sometimes forget about, but
can be very helpful to add on as well. And I would add that your local school
district probably has a student assistance program. So if you have a child who's
struggling and the struggles are spilling over into school, you can talk to the
guidance counselors or the advisors at your local school district and ask for student
assistance programs. There's mentoring programs. There's small group settings.
There's skill training and skill building classes that they can take. And there.
Sometimes you talked about stacking resources and stacking supports. It's just another
one of those supports that's out there. And in the public school setting, it's free.
As long as they find that your child qualifies, it's free and can often be a great
way for the child to feel like they have something that's their own. So are there
other special considerations that we or special issues that we should consider when
we're considering disrupting a birth order such as sexual abuse or physical abuse or
things like that. Yeah, so there should always be consideration for children who have
experienced sexual abuse when they are entering a home. You'll want to have as much
information about their history as possible as well as any behaviors that have been
observed that could be related to or kind of tied back to that abuse that they
experienced. So if you know that that is within their history, a detailed safety
plan is highly recommended. That could include things like we talked about already
with the private spaces, making sure your children know how to talk about what
they've experienced. And in some cases. I mean, if it's significant enough,
families may need to have alarms in certain places on their home or rules about
only being in certain spaces together with parents present, things like that. So
there's a wide range of ways that we might, you know, implement a safety plan
around that. But for sure, there should be a conversation and a plan in place. And
then just, I guess, I would just encourage folks to think about how are we setting
up ourselves for success for success for that child who's coming into the home,
as well as success for our family unit as is, because we do not want to lead to
any additional victimization. Right. Right. Yeah, I think the topic of sexual abuse
is one that scares a lot of potential adoptive or foster families. And it doesn't
have to be scary if you are preparing well and you are staying connected and
staying present and you're taking advantage of the resources that support you and the
child that you're bringing into your home. These children can heal. These children
can go on to live very successful childhood and adulthood and adulthood And giving
them the opportunity to have that safe space, but also being surrounded by the
support and care and interventions that are necessary to help them heal is the
biggest key to all of this, whether it's disrupting birth order or not.
So these have been some kind of complex issues that we've discussed. Of course,
anytime we're talking about sexual abuse or physical abuse, it can get, it's a hard
thing to think about. And so when parents are thinking about disrupting birth order
or artificial twinning or any of the related issues that might come up out of that,
self -care kind of falls by the wayside. It's not,
it's not recommended, but it's the reality. So what kind of self -care or self -care
recommendations do you have for families that are adding to the layers of an already
layered dynamic? Yes. So again, a lot of this starts before you even think about
bringing that child into the home. So building up your social network and getting
connected early on with the support groups or the adoption communities that are in
your local area so that you really have that base network. I encourage if you have
a partner or a spouse that you are adopting with to have scheduled check -in times
with that individual and have scheduled times to really intentionally communicate with
them about just what is happening on your feeling. And that can be,
you know, Ideally, it's face -to -face, but maybe it's five minutes of a phone call
over your lunch hour or whatever that looks like for your family. And then just
creating personal rituals for yourself that help you recharge. You know,
it doesn't have to be I get to go and have a massage once a week for an hour.
Like you probably for a while are not going to have that option available to you.
So what are the little daily rituals that you can do that help you to just feel a
little bit more recharged? Is it your morning cup of coffee? Is it getting up five
minutes before the kids? Or, you know, whatever that looks like for you because it's
so different. I don't, I don't love throwing a bunch of things out there because
it's so different for every person. But identifying those things, building that into
the routine that you have set up for yourself and your family is is going to be
huge. Yeah, we recommend in these early days when you're first bringing home, you
know, to disrupt birth order or an artificial twinning or, or any new child to your
family, keep the expectation for yourself small. So small. But keep it consistent.
Yes. So, you know, schedule into your calendar a weekly break and treat it like you
would a doctor's appointment. You know, these days you get a fee if you skip a
doctor's appointment without any notice. So treat it for yourself like a doctor's
appointment. Don't miss that appointment. Even if it's just a half an hour walk
around the neighborhood to take in all the colors of the trees, you know, this time
of year or whatever. But consistent, small, and meaningful.
It has to mean something to you and refuel you and make you feel more like
yourself. And I say that in that way, because when you bring home a new child,
when you're working through the layers of disrupting birth order, you can feel just
like mom or just like dad. you don't necessarily feel like Tracy.
And so what is it that makes Tracy feel like Tracy and then do that as often
during the week as you can, even if it's only, like you said, five, 10 minutes.
Right. Yeah. And one other thing I will just throw out with this, some people are
not journalers. They don't like journaling and that is fine. I've been there myself
in my life. But it is really helpful to get things out of your own head.
Yeah.
help. So chat, GPT might not be where you seek help, but seeking help is a sign
of strength. And can you give us some sort of closing thought or encouragement for
families that are navigating maybe a tumultuous disruption of birth order?
What thought or encouragement can you give them regarding seeking help and accessing
that help? Well, I do think that we need to normalize be asking for help and and
the seeking.
that could be a game changer for getting your family to where you want to be. Get
engaged with professionals and other adoptive families as early on as you can. I
think one of the biggest things that I've seen in my own work is just how powerful
connecting with other parents who get it can be. And, you know,
in really involving yourself in the adoption community and finding strength through
the stories of others and the sharing of your story with others. So if you're
seeking help, if you're getting involved, that is not a sign you're failing. It is
the opposite. It is a sign that you are doing what you need to do for your
family. You don't need to go at this alone. Just keep at it even when it's hard
and don't be afraid to ask for help. That's fantastic. And I'm going to add one
really practical thing that is very hard for me. But when someone says,
hey, let me know how I can help have a canned response immediately. You know what?
A meal for my freezer would be the most helpful thing you could do right now and
just have that canned response that you, then the burden isn't on you to follow
back up with them later. And they offered, so take them up on it.
That's fabulous. I love that. Like, yes, I need a meal. Send me a meal, please.
Put a meal on my freezer. It's, I mean, it's one of the most practical things you
can do to help a family. No matter what the family is experiencing, but today we're
talking about the extra time and attention and patience that a parent has to have
when they are disrupting birth order. Okay. So that time and attention might be
alleviated if they don't have to make dinner.
Your empathy for the parents, but also for the perspective of the child, was really
beneficial. For our listeners who enjoyed this conversation with Elizabeth today,
please feel free to leave us a rating or a review, but also check out the show
notes. We will put all of the resources that we think will help support you in
this process in the show notes for today's podcast. So thank you,
Elizabeth, and I appreciate you taking your time with us today. Thanks, Tracy. This
was great.