Answering My Child's Questions When I Have No Information to Share - Weekend Wisdom

This is a second question from a listener named Tabitha who adopted a baby boy last year. Tho the adoption looked like it might be at least semi-open, it's effectively closed for now because the baby's birth mom is no longer communicating even with the agency. 

Question: All our training spoke to the benefits of open adoption. We also know (our baby) has two older siblings living with grandparents. There is also a toddler-aged sibling who was adopted. Like us, first mom is in her early 40s, so she’s got life experience. How do we handle questions that arise when baby G is older, with so little info? We seem to be a rarity in this day and age, with a closed adoption not of our choosing. I definitely respect mom’s choices, but I know questions will pop up on our little one’s end down the road.

Resources:

• Strategies for Maintaining Sibling Connections
• Helping Siblings Separated by Adoption or Foster Care - Weekend Wisdom
• Handling Social Media & Birth Family Contact with Your Adopted, Foster, or Kinship Kids

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcipt.

Abata has also learned that her baby boy has siblings who live with extended family
or have been adopted by other families. She has little to know information about the
birth parents and now little to know information about the siblings families or the
siblings and her child's extended family. So she asks us, how do we handle questions
that will arise when our baby is older with so little information. We seem to be a
rarity these days with a closed adoption, not of our choosing. I definitely respect
birth mom's choices, but I know questions will pop up on our little ones end way
down the road. So, Tabitha, I really appreciate that you asked this follow -up
question because you're naming something that a lot of domestic infant adoption
families experience, but don't always know how to talk about. And that is a closed
adoption when it wasn't what you hoped for and it wasn't your choice. It's hard to
manage all of the feelings around of that, but you are by all accounts sounding as
if you are respecting your child's birth mother and thinking ahead about your son's
needs and how to balance those things and recognizing that both of those dilemmas
are true for your family at one time. So let's start with a foundational premise
that will serve you really well as this little guy grows. And that is that your
child does not need you to have all the answers. What he does need is to know
that his questions are welcome, his curiosity is safe with you, and that you will
be there with him through the questions and the curiosity. When our kids are little,
the best approach is always honest, straightforward, and smaller sentences, smaller
concepts at one time. So when little questions come up along the way and he's still
young, you can say things like, we don't have very much information about your birth
family right now. Or, yes, you do have siblings and they're being raised in other
families. or if and when we learn more, we will be sure to tell you.
Well, sometimes adults need space, and that's not because of anything that you did.
Or, I know, it's confusing, but it's okay to be curious and it's okay to be sad
and it's okay to be frustrated about not knowing and not having your curiosity
satisfied. One of the most important things that you can do,
Tabitha, is to get comfortable with saying, I don't know, but I'm here with you.
Let's talk about the siblings for a little bit, because it sounded to me like that
was a significant part of your question and your curiosity. So even if there's no
contact or hope of contact and no information, it still will matter to your little
guy as he grows to know that those siblings exist and that they are part of his
life and part of his story. You don't have to make it heavy or dramatic. Just be
very matter of fact.
about them around birthdays. You can talk about them around holidays. You can talk
about them in reference to skills that your son is developing. I wonder if your
brother runs as fast as you do. It's all about really including them in your
child's story. Even if right now they are unseen and unknown, it's really important
that you not minimize that relationship just because they are unseen and unknown.
So some families will do it in kind of practical ways like having a little birthday
cupcake for a sibling when you know it's their birthday or writing about them in
your family's life book or in your child's life book. Whatever you can do to hold
space for those siblings and the fact that they exist, even if he's not in a
tangible relationship with them across the course of his young life. These are
gestures and intentions that you can do that send your son the message that his
whole story includes them and it belongs in your home. Practically speaking,
there are some things you can do with your little guy over the years and kind of
form them into traditions or rituals that bind you all together if they continue to
choose no contact or if information never comes from, say, the birth mother or
extended family. And that would include, again, writing a letter to the child's
family or to the child's birth parents on your child's birthday, making birthday
cards for the siblings, making birthday cards for extended family members. You can
also allow your child to take pictures from his point of view of his life and
record little video messages and then store them for him so that he can access them
whenever he feels the need to or when contact eventually maybe opens up.
You can make holiday ornaments. You can save art from school projects.
You can do at home projects on a rainy day, save them all, have a special box
where he knows that they are kept and why they are kept there. And then you can
continue trying to reach out to the extended family, whether that's letters that you
write and send to the agency. If you know the agency through which the other
siblings were adopted, you can write to that agency. And you can make sure that
they know that contact is always welcome on your side of things. It's hard,
especially if you feel like you're kind of writing into the void and not getting
responses back, but doing that and doing it with your child, again,
sends that message that his whole story is welcome in this home. Another critical
piece that will probably come later because he's just a baby now is that many
adoptees eventually search and most often use social media to do that search.
And interestingly, most adoptees start by searching for siblings. So instead of trying
to control or avoid that search process and that eventuality that they'll be curious
enough to want to search, we encourage parents to start talking about it very early.
Again, laying a foundation of togetherness, welcome that their whole story belongs to
him. His whole story belongs to him and it belongs in your family. And they need
to know that they're not going to be doing it alone or facing any of that and
that they don't have to do it in secret to protect you from anything. So you can
start messaging things like a lot of adoptees get curious as they grow up. Are you
ever curious? Or if you ever want to look for your birth family or your birth
siblings or your extended family, I would be happy to talk about it with you and
we can figure out how to do it together. It's really helpful for our kids to know
that searches have different outcomes. And so again, that's something you can start
messaging and talking about it just from your side of things. So I'd be happy to
help you look. I don't know what will come of it, but I'd be happy to help you
look if you want to look. And sometimes when we do look with our kids,
people respond, and sometimes they don't. And sometimes their responses or their lack
of responses bring up really big feelings for our kids. And what matters most
through all of this, the underlying theme through all of this is that your child
needs to know that you are a safe place before, during and after all of these big
questions and big feelings and as they grow. So you're always messaging that their
whole story belongs in your family and is a part of who they are and that you are
always with them and that they don't ever have to navigate any of this alone. That
safety that we established for them gives them the confidence that there's not parts
of them missing, that it may play out differently, it may look differently than they
had hoped, but that it's still all of who they are and it's all welcome here.
Finally, I want to encourage you that even with very little information or a
completely closed adoption that you didn't choose, you can still raise a child who
feels supported and safe as their identity is developing. This happens when we make
sure that our kids know that they can ask us even the hardest of questions. This
can happen when we choose to be present with them through complex answers, lack of
answers, or anything in between. It can also happen when we choose age -appropriate
honesty, a spirit of openness, and welcome. And it can happen when we make it clear
that no question is off the table, no part of their story is off limits, and no
feeling is unacceptable. So it is some intentionality on your part.
It is a spirit and an intention that you carry with you through all of these
nuanced conversations and you just keep adding layers as they grow and as you grow
and you get comfortable. And so we want to say thanks for this question. It's
complex and it's sometimes challenging to navigate. But we appreciate you asking the
question and sharing your family's story with us. I hope this information helps.
I hope it gives you kind of like a grounding point to start the talking and the
training right now while he's really little. It's mostly training yourself. And if
you want to be part of a community where other parents are navigating these same
things, I highly recommend our Facebook group. You can find it at Facebook .com slash
groups slash creating a family. And we've got lots of hot topics and great
conversations going on there that will help you navigate some of these things,
Tabitha. Listeners, if this resonated with you, again, we would love to hear from
you. So you can leave a comment or a rating or a review at the response button in
your podcast player or send your thoughts to info at creatingafamily .org with weekend
wisdom in the subject line. And if you're asking a question when you do that, we'll
try and get it on into our queue for another weekend wisdom episode coming up. So
thanks for being here today. Thanks again, Tabitha, for asking your follow -up
question, and I look forward to seeing you and talking with you next week.