How Can We Equip Foster & Kinship Youth for Adulthood?

Helping young adults in foster or kinship care transition toward adulthood can feel overwhelming for foster parents and relative caregivers. Join us today for a conversation with Vernell Gore of Youth Villages and Nick Sgarlata of Bridge to Brighter, for practical ways to prepare and equip your foster or kin youth for adulthood.

In this episode, we discuss:

• What makes this stage of life uniquely challenging for youth in foster or kinship care compared to their peers?
• What does a successful transition to adulthood actually look like?
• What are some common misconceptions that caregivers or professionals have about youth who are nearing adulthood?
• When you think about a young person leaving care and thriving in adulthood, what key elements need to be in place?
• Why might a young person leaving foster care or relative care at the same time they are leaving high school feel the weight of this uncertainty more than their peers? 
• How and where can foster parents or kin carers help youth explore different career paths and possibilities?
• What are some practical ways they can research those options and make informed decisions?
• What types of programs or pathways will help youth develop skills, discipline, or career direction?
• What are the most important money skills young people need before they leave care?
• What are some simple ways to start teaching these skills while the youth are still at home?
• What are some everyday adult responsibilities that youth may struggle with? 
• What are some of the benefits of mentors for a young person transitioning out of foster care? 
• How can they begin finding mentors or supportive role models?
• Beyond practical skills, what character traits or skills do young people need to develop to succeed in adulthood?
• Many youth in foster care or living with a grandparent or relative are carrying trauma from earlier experiences. How important are healing and identity development in preparing them for adulthood?
• How might a foster parent or relative caregiver support their young person toward healing?
• What are a few common mistakes adults make when trying to prepare youth for adulthood?
• What practical steps can foster or kinship carers start today to prepare their youth for adulthood? 

Resources:

Raising Kids with Neurodiversity (ADHD)

Maintaining a Healthy Perspective When Parenting Tweens & Teens

Prenatal Exposure, Part 2: Parenting Tweens and Teens

Transcript

Please pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

We would like to thank the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption for sponsoring this podcast.
The Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption believes that together we can ensure every child has a
permanent, loving family. Read stories of youth and families touched by adoption,
including adoption from foster care, and access resources for parents, caregivers, and child
welfare professionals at DaveThomasFoundation.org. Welcome to Creating a Family,
talk about adoption, foster care, and kinship care. My name is Tracy Whitney, and I am the content
director for creatingafamily.org. Today, we're going to dive into a conversation about how to
prepare foster youth that may be aging out of the system or kinship young people who are getting
ready to launch into adulthood. And to help us do that, we have Vernell Gore. She is the program
representative for Youth Villages in Eastern North Carolina. She began as a Lifeset specialist
working with youth transitioning out of foster care, and she now uses her voice to work with
community partners to help bridge the gap for more youth who need support in transitioning from
foster care successfully. Joined by Ronell is also Nick Scarlatta.
He is the executive director of Bridge to Brighter, a nonprofit dedicated to supporting youth in
and aging out of foster care through resources and programming that helps them achieve their goals.
We're also very fortunate to have him as a Creating a Family board member. So thank you both for
joining us today. I'm really excited to have this conversation with you. Thank you.
Glad to be with you. Thank you. Each of your organizations work closely with young people who are
transitioning out of foster care. So in today's conversation, we want to include the kids that are
transitioning out of kinship care as well, because young people who are being raised by relatives,
such as grandparents, aunts and uncles, often face some of the very same challenges that foster
youth face. So I'd like to hear from each of you. What makes this stage of life particularly
challenging for young people in foster or kinship care compared to their peers?
And we'll start with Vernel. For youth that are in foster care, there's a history of instability in
relationships. And that's a big factor that many of the youth face when they're exiting foster
care. Who do I go to now? You know, they may have had the social worker, they may have had kinship
provider. who provided care for a period of time. But at 18, you know,
it's like you have to step into your next step. And for youth. They are so uncertain as to what
that step can be. And then not having a support system there can cause a lot of weight on that
youth. So that's a big factor. Someone that lives in a home with their parents or their extended
family, they have those kind of resources that they can go to. They have the grandmother, they can
go ask the question about relationship. They have, you know, community connections, even with
churches, you know, that they can depend on someone in the community. those in foster care and
kinship care, they may not have that continual stability of relationships. And that's a big factor.
Nick, would you have anything to add to that? I think for now, I'll hit it right on the head. That
was the word that I wrote down, instability. So obviously for the youth in foster care,
they lack that family and housing stability. And then as they're aging out,
they're... hit with a number of things that if they're in a group home or even a foster home and
they have to transition, you know, they're turning 18, they're graduating high school, and then
they're faced with, where am I going to stay? Where am I going to, where's my next meal coming
from? So all of that instability, I go from stability of the system.
And there might be instability there as well, but they have the supports and then they age out.
And it's finding those supports and resources to make a successful transition.
And often the resources are limited. So, Nick, you mentioned a successful transition to adulthood.
Could you kind of give us a little bit of a snapshot of what that might look like? Well,
I think it looks different for each youth.
As we know, each youth bring their own story and those stories vary.
And so what a successful transition looks like depends on what they want to achieve.
All of these youth that are aging out of foster care, they have goals and dreams like the rest of
us and all other children. It's just helping them achieve that because they don't have,
again, that stability. So for one, it might be finishing school,
graduating high school, potentially going on to a post-secondary education. It may be pursuing a
trade. It may be stability of a job.
So there are a number of things that each youth would want to achieve as far as defining a
successful transition. It varies from youth to youth. So from that conversation then,
Vernel, what would be some of the common misperceptions that we caregivers or the professionals in
their lives might have about their transition from being a child to becoming an adult?
I think one of the big misconceptions is that age means they're ready.
You know, 18 does not mean you're ready for life. And especially if you come from a situation where
you have such instability, you know, home life instability, relationships instability,
learning how to. draw strength of connectedness with community and support systems because it's
always changing. So thinking that at 18, okay, you're ready and you'll figure it out.
You know, I've had some people, you could tell me that, you know, they just said, you'll figure it
out. I don't know what to do. And we have a philosophy at our organization. It's not always about.
Sometimes it's about skill. So dealing with sometimes with professionals, you may tell a youth to
go and apply for a job. And they're saying, I want a job. I had a youth that was like that. Every
time I met with him, it's like, Miss V, I want a job. And so I would give him all these job needs.
And I would go back the next week. And I'm like, did you apply? And he's like, no. And then one day
I'm like, OK, I'm missing something. It's not him. I'm missing something. So I said, we're just
going to go have lunch. And, you know, you got a free day today. And we went and we ate. And it hit
me. Maybe he don't know how to fill out the application. So it wasn't about that he didn't want the
job. He didn't know how to start the process. So we sat there and filled out the application.
And then I did it so he would also have a model application he could use later. And he said,
I want to go turn this in today. And I'm like. OK, so I drove him,
printed it out and drove him and he had an interview that day and got the job on the spot. You
know, so sometimes professionals have to kind of back up. We see things with the professional lens
where sometimes we have to kind of relate to them where they are and that helps them to step into
it. And sometimes it's just a matter of guiding. Another thing that I think people tend to do is
wait until. The youth is getting ready to age out and then start trying to put so much on them,
too, that they need to start practicing. They're going to catch it. They feel like they're going to
catch it. going to get it. And I tell people all the time, we look from the lens of experience
doing it. But now you're putting a youth in a situation where they got to gain the knowledge and
practice the experience at the same time. That's a lot. That's a lot. And I think that's a
misconception as well. Yeah. And I would add to that the fact that many of our young people that
are impacted by the foster care system or by kinship care are kind of like...
kids in one body. So they may have maturity skills in academia,
but they don't really have social life skills that would help them know how to greet somebody in an
interview, or even just like you said, start the application process. So many kids in one body
often means that not only are they not developmentally ready at 18, and I will never for the life
of me. understand what 18 became the magic number but then they're also like an 18 year old with
like 14 year old social skills and you know 10 year old reading skills and all of those things in
one body and it makes for a lot of we just look at them as an 18 year old if we're not careful yeah
the word that i was thinking of was expectations so certain expectations at a certain age,
okay, all of a sudden you turn 18 and you're supposed to do X, Y, Z. And while it's important that
we obviously need to teach youth as they're aging out, as they turn 18, you know,
once you're, quote, an adult by law, your actions can have consequences that go along with that.
So one of the things that we focus on at Bridger Brighter, is teaching those independent living and
life skills to help the youth make that transition.
And like both of you had said, they may want to, but they might not know how. And so it's,
you know, walking them through that process and helping them along the way.
Yeah. So when, Nick, you're working with a young person and you're aware that they're getting ready
to age out of care or they're getting ready to turn 18, what are the key ingredients that you think
need to be in place to help them start that process and be successful? So I'll just tell you a
little bit about the process here in Wisconsin. I'm not sure if it's the same in all states or
across the country, but at age 17. in the foster care system in Wisconsin,
you're eligible for independent living. So our experience to date and next month,
it'll be five years that Bridge to Brighter has been in existence. The younger we are able to get
the youth, the better, because we're able to start. At a younger age of teaching those life skills
and independent living skills and making sure that they are ready for that transition.
So we look at we look at those skills and then talk with the youth and they might feel comfortable
with certain skills, but uncomfortable with other skills. So it's teaching them those skills.
And then, you know, we do a life plan with them and we have goals and.
All different areas, education, employment, social skills, community,
budget and finance. That's a big one. It's a huge one. It's a huge one.
So helping them learn all those skills and teaching them those skills so they are ready.
So we are looking for youth that are determined, want to make a difference,
that are motivated. And our goal is to help them achieve their goals.
So, again, it's different with each youth. Our program is very individualized.
It's not, quote, cookie cutter in that, you know,
one youth might want to graduate high school, pursue post-secondary education.
One might want to pursue a trade. We might get a youth that either may or may not have their
driver's license. So then you pursue that goal. So it's a process with each youth and it's helping
them along the way to get to that end goal. So you're thinking in the big picture,
you're helping them address issues of housing. You're helping them address issues of some basic
financial skills that they can build on. I'm assuming then that that also would include not just
getting a job and how to save and how to... you know, pay your bills,
but also maybe how to long term plan to support their long term goals.
Absolutely. Absolutely. So our, our core programming is financial literacy,
faith and spiritual development, life coach and mentoring, and then mental health support.
We also offer other programming, we have cooking classes, we have other types of therapies.
But yes, to your point, our model is Stable housing is one of our pillars.
And we were very intentional when we started that we actually physically provide housing for the
youth because our thought was, if we can provide that housing stability, and if you want to say
kind of take that off of their plate, that would help. allow them to focus on the other things that
they need to address. Because if they're worrying about where they're going to stay or where their
next meal is going to come from, they're not going to care about a job or going to school or things
like that. So if we can provide some of those basic needs and that stability that Vernel and I were
talking about earlier, that's huge. And that's a great model because it teaches them what to expect
when it's their time to go and look for their own housing. Yep. Gives them kind of a framework.
So Vernell, when we think about young people leaving high school or aging out,
we know that many impacted by foster care or kinship care or not.
have no idea what they want to do with their grown-up life. I don't know what I want to be when I
grow up. That's not uncommon, but it seems to me that there might be some added layers and weights
associated with that for a kid that's leaving foster care or relative care. Why would that extra
weight feel bigger for them to try and tackle? Again, you talked a little bit about the stability
issue, but what else? would they be feeling along with the stability issue that would make this
weight feel like it's just something that they might just fold under? I think because they have to
learn skills and apply them at the same time. They haven't had the opportunity to practice the
skills. It's like if they're living with someone, say foster care or kinship care, and they're
giving them the opportunity while they're in that home to practice. budgeting, get a part-time job
so they understand employee maintenance, have them to start arranging transportation for
themselves, you know, to appointments, make doctor's appointments. I didn't know how stressful that
could be to make a doctor's appointment, but it can be very stressful for a youth. If they can give
them those opportunities, the youth would be able to step into independent living with some skills.
But whenever you put them in a place where they have to learn it, and immediately apply it okay i
just learned i just learned that i need to focus on my budget. And I have a job and I got...
friends over here that are talking to me that want to hang out. I got to get up and go to work in
that state. So I also have to learn about setting boundaries. You have so many components that hit
them at one time, you know, and I think that's the overwhelming part where they can feel
overwhelmed by having to do it all. Just the thought of having to do it all for a lot of youth is
just overwhelming. And some of them will say, you know, forget it. You know, you know, I know I
should do this, but forget it. And I think one of the things that I dealt with with a lot of youth
that I served was helping them to understand that experiences are life lessons. Experiences are
life lessons, but they have to learn that too, that component. I go and I apply for a job.
I get the interview. I don't get the job. And then they come back with the dynamics of,
why didn't I get the job? And they get frustrated and they want to give up. You have to tell them
to learn how to apply life experiences to help them with the next. I used to call it milestones.
And they would look at me and like, Miss V, you're getting on my nerve, talking about milestones.
But what it was is, I want you to look at it. that you just experienced and back up a little bit
and see what you can learn from it. Because it can be so overwhelming to just feel like you got to
step into it and everything is going to happen. They have to learn how to process that. That's why
I say this is just overwhelming to have something just put on you. Okay, now you got to go do this.
I remember one of my youth that had to make a daughter's appointment and she was just stressed out.
And I'm sitting there like, It's a doctor's appointment. But for her, it was like taking the role
that my social worker once had that she never allowed me to do. And I got to get on the phone and
know exactly what it is I need to say to get what it is I need. Didn't know how to go with that.
And I think that that's what makes it so hard for a lot of youth. That weight is that they it's
just all at one time. And that's what makes it hard for them. So practicing in real time,
what they literally are learning in real time, the overwhelm that it creates is exacerbated for a
kid that's got many kids in one body. So yeah, that does sound overwhelming. When they're thinking
about what they're going to do after high school or when they get their GED or when they're trying
to figure out what's next. How can the adults in their life come around them and kind of help them
explore what a career path might look like or what the next job path might look like?
Where do caregivers start with that? I tell people all the time, we could go to Google for
everything.
So Google the jobs. You may say, I want to be a veterinarian. Have them to Google that and say,
what do you do? I love that idea. You know, you love working with animals, you know, and just get
them to talk about what it is about the job that they're interested in and have them to do some
Google research and come back to you and say, I want you to tell me more about that so that you can
hear how the youth is really. whether they're really interested in it or they thought they were
interested in it. And then give them opportunities to do things like volunteer,
to go to career fairs, to job fairs, talk to the school counselor about job shadowing,
internships. I mean, those kind of things. See if you can connect them with someone in the
community, a veterinarian that would say, you know, I have this youth that want to go to school and
I would love for you to talk to them if you could. just make those connections so they connect with
someone that has that kind of career uh for military you know we have a lot of youth that go into
the military with we tell them you go google it find out you know which branch you really want to
be in. Cause right now you just say, I want to go into the military, you know, find out about it,
what it requires, how to prepare for it and kind of get them ready. And then once you find out,
be that source that can encourage them in what steps they need to take for that. Maybe you want to
go talk to a recruiter, you know, then you may go to the crew and like, nah, that ain't for me. You
know, that's okay. Let them voice, because when you think about a child or the child is young.
They want to be so many different things. You know, I want to be a police officer. You know, I want
to be a firefighter. So you have all these ideas. And at some point that youth may have had several
ideas of things they wanted to be. So they're still thinking of that. But it may not really be a
career path they want to take. But let them explore, you know, community colleges. Let them explore
and open them up to opportunities that are available in your community. Then when you find out
that's where they really are focused on. putting the effort to support them and find out what the
next step is. You find, this is me. I would find out what the next step is. And then I would talk
to them and say, okay, do you know what the next step is? So let's look at that, you know? And I
get some insight and then I bring it to them, but I let them be the one that's looking at it like
they're exploring because I want them to explore, but I will have some information myself that I
can add to them while they're exploring. Yeah. And be that listener. Yeah, that's a good one.
Be a good listener. Yeah. If we need to listen to you, they'll tell you things that they're excited
about. I have one of you, you know, and she loved to talk about cooking for people. And I'm like.
girl, you know, that could be a career. I said, you know, caterer, you know, you're on your
restaurant, you know, and she's like, let's be in my, yeah, if you love doing it, I said,
if you love doing it, that's going to come across in what you present to people, you know? So she
was like, you know, I talked to my grandfather about getting me a little shed and put it on his
property and fixing food because there are a lot of companies, a lot of plants around where he
stayed. I was like, that's a business right there. So sometimes just listening. them, they'll tell
you an interest they have. And then you just help them to say, okay, there's something you want to
do. Let's look into it. How can you do that? And show that enthusiasm with them whenever they're
searching that out. And I'm telling you, I've seen it happen. Yeah. Nick,
do you have anything to add to that? I do. I think a couple of things that I would say is one is
patience. And two is we live in a world where these youth specifically want things instantaneously.
So things take time. We often with our youth talk about parallel or dual pathways that,
OK, this is what you may want to do. Like because we do try and do,
you know, career development, try and develop a career versus, quote, just have a job. But when
you're looking for that career, in the meantime, you may, quote, have to have a job. So you might
be, you know, working. at a, you know, a store or a fast food place while you're pursuing something
in the trades. Often, you know, we've heard many stories of you pursue a trade,
but it takes a while to, quote, get that job, to get that placement, to get that apprenticeship or
internship. And that's that's really hard. So they need to be like.
focused and determined and patient because we want to teach the importance of work and having a job
and, you know, meeting their budget and paying their bills and things of that nature.
But also we want to help them along that career path. But what does that look like and how do you
get there? So kind of, you know, what's that end goal and what's the path to get there?
Yeah, that's good. And the patience thing really resonates. Because first of all, at that age,
they're biologically and neurologically not wired for patients. But then we're also in a culture
that everything happens to us so fast. You can just ask any question you want. get an answer
immediately. So teaching them patients and modeling patients as you're walking through the process
with them is that really resonates with me.
Hey, listeners, I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation about all the many ways that we can be
equipping our young people. But I wanted to ask you if you could please at the end of the show,
take a moment to share this episode with a fellow foster parent or kinship caregiver who's right
now raising teens. We know that this stage of life is super complex for any family,
but the added layers of transitioning a young person out of foster or kinship care into adulthood
can really leave both. young people and the parents or caregivers feeling overwhelmed and confused.
And your word of mouth about today's episode can go a really long way towards helping those
families access the support that they need and think out of the box about how to support the young
person that they're trying to launch. If this interview is resonating with you, could you also
consider leaving us a rating or a review? We love to hear from our listeners.
And so if you leave a review, tell us what... and why it resonated. And then just go ahead and
follow or subscribe and like the Creating a Family podcast wherever you're listening.
You can subscribe on YouTube or Spotify or Apple, wherever you're listening today. Thanks so much.
And I'll let you get back to the rest of the interview.
In preparation for today's interview, we sought some input from our creatingafamily.org youth
advisory panel. And one of the questions they asked was how they can use things like the
volunteering, the internships, the part-time work, the dual track that you talked about to figure
out what they're interested in. So Nick, can you give us kind of like a real practical or tangible
way that a young person... could start exploring these options, even if they're not part of a
program like yours? It's really a matter of providing the resources to these youth.
At Bridge to Brighter, we have a number of employment resources. Vernell talked about it earlier,
exposing them to opportunities, using mentors,
business organizations, the community.
Those community connections, those partnership connections are so valuable and important.
And, you know, it's sitting with the youth. Maybe it's encouraging them to talk with their,
you know, case manager or other individuals, a mentor to help them pursue,
you know, their interests or their goals, essentially. So it's really.
providing the opportunity, providing the resources to help them achieve their goals.
That's what we focus on. Yeah. Vernal, what would be some of the moving parts that have to be
considered in this? If a young person is looking at starting an internship or getting mentored by a
man in the business community, what are some of the things they have to have in place to be able to
do that? They have to have a sense of responsibility, I think, first of all,
to actually follow through with the connections that you make for them. They have to have
confidence, you know, that self-confidence that this is something I can do,
you know, enabling them to step outside of the box of what they're familiar with.
They need support system around them as well. They need support system because when you... you step
into something new, I mean, it's like a thousand questions can enter your mind. You know, it was
like, I don't know if I can do this. Should I do this? I don't know. I need to help my friends.
Should I do that? I mean, they just go through a process, almost like a process of elimination to a
degree. And you need to have support system around them to say, I think you should try it. Go for
it. You know, you're good at that. You know, you need to give that affirmation to them. Someone
that's going to build them up. That's so important. They need to understand what it is that they're
pursuing. You know, I had one to tell me that he wanted to dig dinosaur bones. And I'm like, that's
a great job. I said, but you know what? The people that are also digging dinosaur bones have to
understand how to dig dinosaur bones, you know. So you have to make it, you have to make it
realistic. And that point he made about patients too. I had one of you that wanted to work with the
shelter for animals, you know, and he thought about being a veterinarian. I'm like, the first thing
they did was have him to clean it out. You know, and he was like, ah, you know, I'm just going to
pet the animals. He's like, no, that's the reality.
It's like he was saying that patience, there's some things you have to do to get there. And they
need, I think they need to understand that. So I think being real with them, you know, the steps,
help them understand the steps that they need to take to get to what it is they want. Even as far
as. inquiring about jobs, inquiring about careers. Like I said, you may start at one place and then
they take you to another place because they're going to show you the different steps that you may
actually have to work out in that job. That key that he made, patience. You got to have confidence.
You got to be willing to get outside of your comfort zone. That's what I always tell them. Be ready
to step outside of your comfort zone. There's so much out there for you.
It also comes to mind that a lot of young people don't know how to approach another adult.
So etiquette in the business place, how to shake hands, how to send a thank you note after a good
interview. Some of those basics that I think sometimes we just take for granted because we've been
doing it for so long. And when they're brand new to that whole system,
it's good to. Kind of walk them through how to do it. The other moving part that I would think
about immediately is transportation. Do they know how they're going to get there? And do they know
how they're going to get home? Yes. Which can be really daunting if that's not something they've
ever had to think about before. And the more moving parts that go into this process, the more they
need those of us who've committed to supporting them to scaffold them.
so that they can get along the way themselves and own it on their own at some point. Yeah.
Nick, some of our young people are finding direction through programs like JROTC.
or other pathways while they're still in school. Many, many schools have excellent programs to help
kids take those next steps. What are some of the other programs that you know of that are out there
beyond JROTC or the Career Center at the high school that can help kids?
There's a couple of programs. We work and partner with other organizations in the trades.
So we are helping the youth, first and foremost,
finish school. So if there's programs within the high school that they can pursue,
we will look at those. Some youth come to us who have not finished school,
so then we partner with some other programs and organizations where they can finish school and...
learn a trade or pursue a trade with the potential of, you know, employment or an apprenticeship or
an internship after that. And then we also work and partner with organizations based on the
interests of the youth. So, you know, we had a youth who is interested in business and finance.
So we try and use our resources and connect them.
to businesses and organizations where they... can pursue that.
So again, I talked earlier about being, quote, resource rich. It's having those partnerships and
relationships. You know, we do work with like the state of Wisconsin, like their apprenticeship
program, the Department of Workforce Development, where we're always informing the youth of those
opportunities. Going back to what I said earlier, though, kind of the...
patience of the youth, like what it takes to get to the point of getting that.
And so it's walking them through that process. But we've had,
you know, a number of youth, you know, pursue internships, apprenticeships and whatnot.
So for foster parents or grandparents who are raising grandkids or aunts and uncles who are raising
nieces and nephews, start with your local high school, even if your young person is not enrolled in
the high school presently. Start with the local high school and ask what they have available.
Ask if they have job training. Ask if they have a tech school. Ask if they have mentorships
available. Ask if they have a program to help your young person finish high school. And what's
available, start there. But then as a foster parent or a kinship caregiver,
start leveraging the relationships in your life that are around you already with people that you
know are all on this kid's team. And what can they offer and bring to the table to help this young
person feel supported and start to explore what's available to them? Yeah,
one other option that I forgot to mention was the community schools, like the local community
colleges. That's a great resource. The really good thing about that as well is they can take like a
single class to see if they have some interest and if that's something that they want to pursue.
And when you take a single class like that, typically they will help guide you.
on the process of pursuing that. So we strongly encourage the young men that we work with,
if they're interested in some topic, whether it's culinary or something else,
take a culinary class, take a trades class, get the information, kind of how we talked about
earlier, that you get those experiences. And then as you talked about leveraging those to achieve
your goal. And if you are raising a foster young person and they are still part of the foster
system before they age out, they often, well, even after they age out, many states offer financial
benefits to young people who want to do higher education, whether it's trade school or community
college or four-year college. So start looking into what the financial benefits in your state are
for education. Yeah. And speaking of financing and education, Nick,
financial literacy is another thing that came up really strongly among our youth advisory panel
members. What do you see as the most important money skills a young person needs to have or develop
before they leave care? The list is long, but financial literacy is super important.
I mean, all youth should have it. Just learning to budget,
save money, learn how to pay your bills. One of the things that we work with our youth on,
like when the youth come to us, all of them have a lease. They're required to pay rent.
It starts at a lower level and then increases over time. And the goal is by the time that they
leave, they're paying 100% of rent. We offer like a match savings program at Bridge to Brighter,
trying to teach them to save. I mean, most of these youth have not had money before or never
received a paycheck so when they get it they're like oh my gosh and kind of teaching them okay this
much needs to go to rent this much needs to go to pay your phone bill this much needs to go to pay
your utility bill you know this much for food and you know we want to try and save a little bit and
then here's what you have left to spend so it's a process and it kind of all goes back to what we
talked about earlier of that lack of family stability and like the housing stability all that
instability just impacts them so greatly you know they're in that state of fight or flight and like
survival mode all the time so that it can be really difficult and it's hard it it takes time and
Obviously, our goal is to see them succeed. But in all honesty, I mean, think about it.
They're 18 years old. They didn't have a place to stay. So now they have housing stability,
but they have to pay rent and all that. That's a lot, as Vernel was talking about it earlier.
That's overwhelming.
Very much overwhelming. Exactly. And so working with them and alongside them to provide them that
support to get there. But I mean, I think about myself turning 18 or I have older children that
still look to mom and dad for support. And that doesn't go away.
And the fact that these youth did not have that. So it's... you know, kind of checking your
expectations and making it so it's manageable for the youth.
You really have to break it down so it's not overwhelming to them. Right.
So for now, let's talk a little bit about some of the simple ways that a caregiver who's,
you know, getting ready to launch a young person, what's one thing a foster parent can start doing
to help a young person learn those skills? Learning how to manage money. I say,
take them grocery shopping, take them grocery shopping and have your list and tell them what your
budget is and then help them, let them help you rather to navigate what to purchase,
what to purchase. And you sit in the car and let them go in and shop with the grocery list and the
budget. Then you're letting them have practical implication of how to actually manage their money.
Give them an allowance and then, you know. If you know the youth wants something,
say, okay, this is something you want to purchase. So this is your allowance. So how are you going
to manage your money so you can do that and start watching them, allow them to practice things like
that. I think it's even, I've heard some people say that they would say, okay, you have to, your
phone bill is, and you have to pay so much on the phone, but that's good because you're teaching
them. I'm giving you the responsibility to make that payment. Now you got this money in your hand.
It's up to you. I'm giving you the responsibility of making that payment and just start letting
them gradually take steps where you are seeing them implement what you're teaching them as a
practical part of transitioning into adulthood. And they start practicing while they're with you.
Even go for the bills of the home, you know, and just say, these are some of the things that you
will encounter when you move on your own. And this has to be paid every month. Let them sit with
you and watch how you manage that money. You know, this month, OK, the electric bill was really
high because the air was on day and night, you know. OK, we're going to have to lower that down,
you know, so it don't be as high next month. Just practical steps that they can take to actually
start implementing skills while they're still there. Right in the home. Right in the home. And that
takes a degree of vulnerability and humility on our part as the adult guiding them through this
process. It can be embarrassing if we're not managing our own things wisely or well.
And I'm not just talking about the finances part, but if you don't manage your grocery plan well,
you don't manage your meal planning well or any of those things, exposing. Your own lack to a kid
who's trying to learn can be pretty humiliating and humbling for us as adults, but it's worth it if
it means that we're helping them set themselves up for success in their own next steps.
And it can sometimes also show the adult skills that the youth may have.
Yeah, I was just going to say that. Exactly. We're on the same wavelength. They might be helping
you straighten some things up. I've seen that happen with one of my youth. I really did. I saw that
happen. She learned things and she went back and she showed her mom how to do things that help the
family. And that would even build even the more the confidence in that youth.
I can do this, you know. That can really increase trust between the young person and the adult
also. You know, I think about it, the modeling of that humility and the modeling of that curiosity.
So I may not be doing it the best way. And you've learned a new way to do it. So I'm happy to learn
that from you. And one of the best examples of that is technology. And our kids are digital
natives. They have just grown up in this digital culture. So navigating apps for budgeting or
navigating apps for managing screen time or for meal planning or things like that may feel really
foreign to us. But if we let them teach us, then we're kind of doubling the impact of what they're
learning. and preparing to do. Yeah, I always say I learn much more from the young men that we
serve than they learn from me. Isn't that true? It's so true.
So let's talk in the vein of teaching and mentoring. Let's talk a little bit about how mentors can
shape a young person's future. Because one of the questions that came up with the youth advisory
panel was, what does a healthy mentor look like? And why would I even need one?
If I'm already in a foster care situation, I'm already in a kinship care situation. Why would I
need then a mentor too? Yeah. In my mind, mentorship or a mentor can make all the difference.
That safe person that that youth can go to and feel comfortable with and share and be vulnerable,
which is super important, is huge. So whether it's,
you know, some youth come to us with a mentor. And so obviously we encourage them to continue that
relationship. We also partner with some organizations that have mentorship programs.
And then we also have. people who inquire within Bridge to Brighter about being a mentor to our
youth. So there's a number of different avenues where that mentorship component can happen.
It's also part of kind of our core programming. So that happens there. Sometimes that's much more
like a group setting, but then we try and individualize it. Yeah,
I just think it makes all the difference. It helps with all these different areas. Being able to
talk to somebody about a job, a personal relationship, a financial topic or issue.
I think you just see a difference in the youth when they have that connection and relationship.
Yeah. So for now, for a young person who may not have had a lot of safe adults in their corner thus
far, how would you get them started on looking for a mentor that would be a good fit for what they
need? I think I probably would start with how you can benefit them, what to look for in a mentor,
even identifying boundaries. Sometimes with some of the youth that I have worked with,
there's a desire for connectedness. But some connect too soon. And so you want them,
you know, I would always talk to my youth about getting to know the person that you're spending
time with. That engagement with that youth is so important. That engagement with the mentor is so
important. Making sure it's someone that is going to allow you to be you.
and allow you to work on what you want to work on. You know, you don't want to connect with someone
and they're having the whole conversation and you're the youth that's listening. That's not going
to help you. It's got to be an equal partnership where the youth can express themselves and the
mentor is going to bring you some insight, you know, that they may have in life experiences. It's
got to be that connection. But I always tell the youth, I tell the parents, if that connection is
not right, you know, sharp they're sharp as a tack you know they know it's okay it's okay you know
let let me know let somebody know because that may not be the fit to you and that's not saying
anything about that person you know since some people just you know I can't relate I can't you know
so you just got to have that connectivity just be Be aware, just be very aware. There are agencies,
they have a lot of kinship organizations and Say So, I don't know if you're aware of Say So,
which is a great organization for foster care youth where they can connect with other foster care
youth. And then they have youth that have aged out of foster care, but they're now working for the
organization. Great place to get mentors because they can relate to you. We have a kinship
conference coming up for the state. the East and the Western area. And that's a great place to
connect with other people that you can, you know, possibly find a mentor, find what you like,
and then talk to that person and see, you know, if that person is willing to just spend some time
to invest in you. There's so many doors out there for it. So you're looking for somebody that's
going to, you know, that you're going to gel with. And then you're looking for someone that's going
to go the distance with you and let you be yourself and explore the passions and the interests that
you have. I'd like to hear from each of you beyond those practical skills. What are the character
traits? And now it's getting a little bit more personal, but what are the character traits that the
young people in our circles need to develop and? set themselves up to thrive in adulthood.
Nick, I'll let you go first with a couple character traits that you think are probably the most
important, and then we'll shift to Vernell. So I think I would start with hope.
They need to have a sense of hope. They've had so much heartache,
struggle, trauma, and a sense of hopelessness. So a sense of hope,
a sense of belonging. So resilience, motivation,
determination, those are like the big ones for me that we focus on because these young people are
just like everybody else. They have dreams that they have goals, but they honestly don't feel like
they belong or that they can achieve them or, you know, they've been told their entire life that
they're. terrible or whatnot, or have experienced abuse or neglect or whatever.
So yeah, I think hope, resilience, determination. Those are good.
Those are good. Yeah. Vernal, would you add to that list? Absolutely. I would say they need to
identify their inner strengths, a self-awareness. who they are. Self-awareness is a good one.
Self-confidence. One thing that I loved about being a life set specialist is seeing the youth
catch what it is we were trying to share with them and just seeing their face just light up like I
got it. And when you see that. it's like it stirs something in them to dream beyond that.
And that's what you want. So they're seeing their inner ability to be beyond what they experienced,
what they've heard about, like you were saying, what they heard about themselves, what people
project about themselves. And with that, when they get that, they can. they're going to think
outside of the norm of what they have experienced. So that self-awareness is so important.
And that self-confidence is going to come when they get that self-awareness. Whenever you have
somebody else to set the parameters of how you live your life and that's what, you know, the
situations that they be in can do, you know, it makes them think inside a box and you got to help
them to see themselves outside that box. And once they do that, you know. You can forget it.
They're just going to blow. They're going to blow. And I think that's so important. That's so
important. And that's one of the keys that I've seen work for them when they get that self
-awareness. That's great. That's great. Self-awareness is a skill that many, many of us,
no matter our age, could really improve upon. Oh, yeah. I'm just saying for myself.
We're all there. Yeah, yeah. Here's one final interruption to tell you about the Jockey Being
Family Library of free courses that we are honored to offer you thanks to Jockey Being Family's
support. The library can be found at bit.ly slash jbfsupport.
That's bit.ly slash jbfsupport. And it's full of courses that are free that you can use to build
your parenting skills, learn how to talk to your young people. learn how to communicate with them
better, learn how to support them through the various challenges that they are facing and to make
your whole family stronger. So go to bit.ly slash JBF support. And thanks again to the Jockey
Being Family Foundation for their support in this effort.
So, Nick, many of the youth in foster care or living with a relative while they're finishing high
school and getting ready to launch into adulthood are carrying significant trauma, wounds from
earlier chaos, neglect, rejection, instability, all those things. And they all kind of come to a
head in this season of life where then there's all these adult expectations being put on them at
the same time. We all know that when we're very wounded and broken and hurting,
it can stunt our ability to grow these great character traits or these great life skills.
So how important is that healing process while they're still in our homes? And how do we
practically set them on that path for healing? It's extremely important. It's essential.
Healing is one of our other pillars. And it's in our mission statement that we want to help them
heal. And what, you know, foster parents, kinship parents can do,
you know, is make sure that that youth has the stability that they need,
that they have the support that they need, that they feel that love and sense of belonging and
reassuring them that they can do anything and that, you know,
you're there for them. Youth that are aging out, they don't have that fail safe.
Like if something happens or they have a situation or whatever, they have nobody to fall back on
but themselves. So in a foster situation or a kinship situation,
making sure that they know that there's somebody there with them, for them.
And that's really essential. providing them the resources that are out there,
connecting them with, you know, if it's mental health support, if it's,
you know, an activity that helps them deal with an issue that they have. So that's just that sense
of kind of, you got my back. Yeah, yeah. Our calm,
regulated presence. Yeah. And our willingness to help them find the path that will help them heal.
Yep. Yeah, that's good. For now, what do you think are some of the mistakes that adults might make
when they're trying to prepare one of these young people for adulthood? Waiting to help provide the
youth with skills. I love what he said. He said trying to get them early,
you know, get them as early as possible and start working with. working on their goals. I love the
Casey life assessment. It's a test that you can do for youth in foster care.
They can be kinship care. And it actually is an assessment to tell where the youth is. Do you know
how to navigate the internet? Do you know how to set doctor's appointments? Do you know how to cook
if you wanted something to eat? So it goes through emotional, every gamut of life. And it asks the
questions. If the youth completes that with the caregiver, kinship caregiver,
foster care mom, they want to see where the youth is okay and where the youth needs to build
skills. And so I think that would be something like that is a great tool to help find out.
what they need so you can start addressing that. Don't wait till, you know, they got three months
and then they're going to be turning 18, you know, and then you're going to say, well, you know,
you need to take care of all these things. No, find out where they are. Do it while they're young
so you can start building that. And then you can see, you know, where the youth is gaining and then
you can see where you need to also put more emphasis on. I think things like that is very
important. Very important. And the reality is when we're fostering, we don't always know how long
we're going to have with them. But for whatever time they are in our homes, and actually that's
true of kinship care as well, we don't know how long they're going to be with us. But for whatever
time we have with them, intentionally pouring in these resources and this you can do it mentality,
and I'm with you mentality, those messages, starting small, have them start.
you know, by just boiling a pot of pasta, simple, easy steps to learn how to feed themselves,
have them make a quick omelet, teach them how to do that, just those basic skills, starting them as
soon as you can, working by their side through the process. That's really good.
Another mistake that I often see is that they are just assuming that the young person can't do it.
And that's sometimes because they know more of the young person's history or the more of the young
person's context. And so they just assume, oh, he's, you know,
for example, if they have a disability, oh, he can't because he's never, you know, learned how to
do this. Well, they're in your home. Let's take some time to teach them. And for example,
I have a young person in my home who is hearing impaired in one ear. Well, I'm never going to
assume that a child who has significant hearing loss can't excel at music because I've got lived
experience that says my kid is now a flute virtuoso. She's fantastic.
And so I can say, yeah, you have a disability, but there's things you can do that you can shine.
elsewhere and just getting rid of that mentality that they can't is what I'm trying to do.
Nick, would you have anything to add to the mistakes that you see some foster parents or caregivers
making? No, I think you hit it on the head. I mean, just that mentality of these youth,
again, have goals and dreams like everybody else and they can do it. They just need to be taught
the independent living and life skills because unfortunately they do come to us ill-equipped.
They haven't been taught those. Often no fault of their own. Yeah. The power of yet.
They can't yet. And while they're here, I'm going to teach them. Yes. Yeah. Okay.
So for caregivers who have these young people living in their homes right now, listeners who are
going, okay, so this is a lot to take in. What is maybe a first step or two that a foster parent or
a caregiver can do like tomorrow? One simple step they can start with tomorrow. I would say,
you know, it's. Setting up a routine, setting up some goals, setting up a path on something that
they want to achieve. Give them something to be in charge of. Give them responsibility to show that
they can do things, that they can move towards achieving something. Because again,
a lot of them feel like they can't or don't know how. For now,
how about you? What is one thing they can start tomorrow? Have a conversation. Just have a
conversation with the youth and let the youth share what their goals are.
What is they like? What are they looking forward to? That's a good question. What are you looking
forward to? You know, and then that can help you to help the youth navigate themselves toward that
direction. And that can address a whole lot of things that Nick just mentioned, you know.
goals that you have to set for them after they say what I'm looking forward to. You help them set
their goals to start walking toward that. But that listening conversation and let the youth speak
so they can share what they want to share and not what we as adults may want to hear.
You know, that's important. That's important. If they feel heard, they'll talk. That's so good.
That's true. And that's true of any teenager, whether they're impacted by the foster care system or
living with you as a kinship care young person, Not. The only other thing I would add to that is
start sharing some of the decision making powers in your home in a very simple,
practical way. Let them pick what's for dinner. Let them pick where you're going for, you know,
ice cream after dinner, or let them pick what movie your family is going to watch this weekend,
including them in the decision making process tells them I see you as a burgeoning adult.
And I see that you're trying to make those steps. And so I'm going to walk with you.
And decision making can feel very overwhelming for a young person who's had no control over what's
going on in their life thus far. And so just simple choices, simple decisions that you can make
collaboratively can make a huge difference towards how they see themselves. Okay, so I have one
last question. I think that this might be a hard one to narrow down to one,
but I want to know what is one life skill that you think every teenager across the board should
learn before they're 18? Nick, you go first. I would say the financial literacy, the budgeting is
so important and key for them. Like a cornerstone.
Yep. Yeah, yeah. And for now, give me one life skill they should learn before they turn 18.
Oh, he took mine. But I would say setting healthy boundaries is important.
So good. Because that can also affect finances as well. Absolutely. That's a really important one.
That's a really good one. Well, on that. Positive note, we're going to wrap this up. Thank you guys
so much for taking time to join us today to talk about preparing foster youth and kinship youth for
the realities of adulthood. I appreciate your time and your expertise. I also appreciate the really
hard and impactful work that you do in the communities where you're serving. And I'm sure that in
the roles that you're in, you don't get a ton of thanks from a ton of people. So I'm saying thank
you for the work that you do to serve our young people. Thank you.