What Trauma Really Does to a Child’s Brain (and Why Behavior Can Be So Hard) - Weekend Wisdom

Question: I’m new to raising my grandchild and still learning about trauma. People keep saying it changes a child’s brain, but I don’t really understand what that means. What does trauma actually do to the brain, and how does that show up in behavior at home or school?

Resources:

• The Three Es: Understanding the Impacts of Trauma
• A Conversation with Dr. Bruce Perry About Trauma
• How Trauma Impacts a Child's Development
• Meeting Children Where They Are: The Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics

Transcript

Pardon any errors, this is an automated transcript.

This is Weekend Wisdom, a short podcast offered to you by creatingafamily.org.
My name is Tracy Whitney, and I am your host and the content director for creatingafamily.org.
Did you happen to notice when you opened your podcast player that we have a drop us some fan mail
button? It's brand new and we are so excited about this new way for you to engage with us.
We want to hear your thoughts and ideas. We want to know what you like, what you might want to
learn more about and let us know anything that you think would be helpful for us to continue to
improve what we're doing here at Creating a Family. It's also a great place to drop a question if
you have a question about how to strengthen your family, such as this listener named Hannah. I am
new to raising my grandchild and I'm still learning about trauma. People keep saying that it
changes a child's brain, but I don't really understand what that means. What does trauma actually
do to the brain and how does that show up in a child's behavior at home or at school? Well,
Hannah, we are really glad you asked this. You are not alone in not understanding or in feeling
concerned about what you're hearing when people say trauma changes the brain, because it sounds
kind of scary and kind of overwhelming. But we want to break it down for you into some manageable
parts that will help you see a clear path forward for meeting your grandchild's needs.
First, we wanna talk about what's actually happening in the brain. And then second, we wanna talk
about why that behavior that your grandchild may be engaging in looks so confusing to you.
Third, we want to talk about what it means for your daily experience of raising this grandchild
because that's where the rubber meets the road. And that's what we all really listen to podcasts
like this for. So one helpful way to start thinking about that first question of what's actually
happening in your grandchild's brain is to think about. the work on the brain,
like Dr. Bruce Perry, where he talks about how the brain develops from the bottom up.
We've listed resources from Dr. Perry in our show notes for you if you want to learn more. However,
let's simplify it. Let's get a picture of the brain in our heads and think about these three main
parts of the brain. First is the bottom brain. That's their survival brain. That's what keeps us
alive, keeps our heart rate moving, keeps our breathing going, keeps our survival instincts like
fight, flight, or freeze sharp for when we assess a threat. The middle brain is also the emotional
brain. It's where the brain processes feelings and connections and attachment and safety.
And finally, the top brain is their thinking brain. It's where logic develops.
It's where they learn. It's where problem solving and all of the little neurons required for
problem solving get fired up there. So when a child grows up in a safe, predictable environment,
the parts of the brain, those three parts learn to work together to process the child's development
and get the child where they need to be. But when that child experiences trauma,
especially ongoing chronic stress, harmful events, big things that are...
for their brains to process, the brain then adapts for survival. And that's the key word here is
that their brain has adapted to cope throughout the experiences of that trauma.
Trauma doesn't mean that something is broken inside your grandchild's brain or faulty.
It just means that their brain has learned to stay on high alert to survive and to adapt to the
situation that it finds itself in. So here's what you might see happening.
Their alarm system is always on. The brain's stress response becomes overreactive when trauma is
experienced, like a smoke alarm that goes off even when there's just toast in the toaster. So that
could mean that you would see your grandchild being jumpy, easily overwhelmed, always on edge,
kind of hyper alert, easily startled, that kind of thing. The second thing that happens is that
their brains store fear in their body. And trauma isn't just remembered by them as a story that
they tell or a story that they hear other people telling them. It's stored as feelings and body
reactions. You might notice that your grandchild reacts really strongly to certain smells or
sounds. or situations, things they see on the TV screen, anything that might show some sort of
trigger or response to a previous experience of fear. They might not even know why they're feeling
it or why they're upset because their brain is just coping with what it's experienced. And then the
third thing that happens is that thinking shuts down under stress. Their brain senses danger and
that top brain or the thinking part goes offline. That means in hard moments,
your grandchild can't access logic or consequences. They can't even maybe tell you the rules,
even if they know the rules. This is why we often say that they can't, not won't,
because we're talking about their brain's ability to respond to a situation.
And if they're not in their thinking brain, they can't respond logically. It's not that they won't
or that they're being defiant. And then the fourth thing that happens is that their brain wires
itself around a survival model. So over time, with repeated exposure to threat or perceived threat
to chronic stress, trauma, ongoing neglect, that kind of thing, their brain becomes organized
around how to stay safe, rather than how to learn or how to connect with other people.
So it might in your daily life look like meltdowns over really small things because their brain has
perceived an intrusion as a threat. And so they're melting down over that because they don't feel
safe. You might see anger that seems to come out of nowhere. And again, these are all the ways that
their brain is connecting with their body over this message that I'm not safe. You might see their
brain telling them, I have to stay hyper alert. And it shifts into hypervigilance that looks like
they're always watching or always scanning the room or they have a hard time relaxing or a hard
time falling asleep or a hard time staying asleep because nighttime can be really scary for any
kid, but it can be even scarier for kids who've had chronic stress and chronic trauma.
So their brains might be saying, I don't have control in this situation. And everything that they
do then... that their body does in response to what their brain has said is, I need to find some
measure of control in this situation. So that might look like the child being really rigid or being
very obstinate or defiant. They're refusing simple requests and you don't really know why because
it's something that's totally within their capability of doing. They might just really, really,
really vigilantly need things their way. kind of the my way or the highway, and they don't know how
to get off of that. So if any of this sounds familiar, Hannah,
then you might be working with a kid that says my brain is overwhelmed. And this is where I'm
showing it. And that's behaviors that are sometimes very challenging and very hard to understand.
This could also impact their learning struggles. both at home and at school,
because when their brain is overwhelmed and on this hypervigilant,
I have to keep myself safe mode, they have trouble focusing on what the teacher is asking them to
focus on. They have a difficult time remembering or following directions. So you could ask them to
take out the garbage and then... the can out to the street, and they only get half of that done,
not because they're lazy or because they don't want to, but because their brain is so busy trying
to get safe and stay safe that they can't follow even sometimes two-step directions.
They might have a hard time following classroom norms, such as sitting down, not talking unless
they're called on, etc. Because again, their brain is working so hard to stay safe after this,
you know, chronic experience of not being safe, that they just don't know how to calm their bodies,
because their brain's not calm. So in order to cope with that, their brains just kind of shut down.
And that's, again, where learning would be impacted at home and at school. We would perceive this
maybe, if we don't know any better, as withdrawal. We might take it personally. The teacher might
see it as defiance or an unwillingness to participate. But we have to remember that by zoning out
and appearing not to care or isolating or shutting down, Our kids are telling us without words that
their brains are overwhelmed and exhausted and overstimulated. So the key reframe here for all of
this, when we're talking about what trauma does to the brain and how it impacts behavior, is that
this is very rarely willful misbehavior. This is their brain trying to protect them and trying to
cope with its previous experiences, and what those current experiences may feel like.
So this is where your role can be very powerful in your grandchild's life, Hannah, because healing
doesn't come from correcting behavior first. It comes from connecting with this child and helping
their brain feel safe again. There's four practical things I want to offer you today to help you
make that shift. Number one is to constantly think. Regulate before I educate.
If your grandchild is upset, their thinking brain is offline. So instead of lecturing or repeating
the rules or repeating a reasonable explanation for why you want them to do something,
start by calming your voice, slowing your words, and offering a very simple presence to your
grandchild that says, I'm here. I see that your brain is on high alert.
and that your body's feeling stressed, I want to help you settle. The second thing that you can do
is to start looking for the need that might be under their behavior. You can ask yourself,
what is this child's brain trying to protect them from right now? And I want to remind you,
it may not be a real threat. It might just be a perceived threat that the brain is trying to
protect this child from. Number three, try to remember that predictability,
builds safety. So that means having regular routines and rhythms built into your days and into your
weeks and into your months so that this grandchild knows what to expect, what's coming next,
and how to cope with it. Develop clear expectations for your home.
You know, a simple expectation could be we don't raise our voices. Another simple expectation could
be everyone gets a second chance here. Those kinds of simple expectations can communicate in we
language that you're with your grandchild in these experiences. And another part of creating
predictability is to give warnings before transitions. Transitions can often feel very threatening
to kids who've experienced trauma. And so a five minute warning or a 10 minute warning, then a five
minute warning are often very useful tools for helping them prepare their brain.
Their brain receives this as preparation, not a threat. And then their brain can calm so their body
can calm so they can kind of be with you in the process of this transition. So Johnny, in 10
minutes, we need to leave for the park. Okay, Johnny,
in five minutes, you need to have your shoes on so that we can leave for the park. And then when
you're at the park and he's full blown having fun and just enjoying himself. And when he's feeling
very free and relaxed, you can say, hey, buddy, we're going to be here at the park for another 15
minutes, and then we're going to leave and go home and have lunch. Hey, buddy, 10 minutes to go.
When we leave here, we're going to go home and have lunch. Hey, buddy, five minutes, and then we're
going to get in the car and go eat lunch. Those kinds of transitions and warnings set up routines
and rhythms, that predictability, but they also Give them a safe framework for what's coming next
instead of wondering, and the wondering can be very triggering for their hypervigilant brains.
So number four, mind shift, would then be to hold this priority,
that your connection is the intervention he needs. So simple things matter and they can literally
rewire your grandchild's brain over time. So Hannah, that would look like sitting close,
being present, allowing him to sit on your lap if he's young enough, holding his hand while you're
walking together in the park. All of the very simple gestures that we often take for granted,
but they speak volumes to a child whose brain is trying to adapt to.
a calm, predictable life versus a chaotic, stressful life. So hold the priority of connection as
your intervention. Sitting close, being present. Eye contact is a great one. Get down on their
level. Make eye contact as frequently as you can if they allow it. If eye contact feels threatening
or scary to them, then ease into it. Take your time with it. Again, physical affection as they
allow it. And then shared activities where you're laughing and having fun and building memories.
You're rewiring his brain for a new definition of what family and caregiver look like and feel like
to his brain. So Hannah. I'm so glad you wrote in and asked this because sometimes in this
community, we forget that not everyone is coming to this community with this basic understanding
before they have to be thrown into the deep end of caring for a child who's experienced trauma.
So if you take one thing away from today's conversation, let it be this. Your grandchild's behavior
makes sense. when you understand their brain and how their brain is making sense of their world.
But the most important thing about that is that that brain can heal and you get to be an agent of
healing in his life. So with your safe, steady, responsive caregiving, that nurturing,
new pathways in his brain can form. You don't have to be perfect at it. You can screw up.
And the cool thing about screwing up with our kids is that repairing... screw up, hey buddy,
I'm really sorry, I lost my temper, is its own form of healing. It's its own form of settling their
brains and helping them rewire for connection. Your presence can make a huge difference in how his
brain perceives the world around him. Their brains can heal and then can be focused on continued
healing and newer, healthier behaviors and healthier ways of viewing the world.
Listeners, if this episode helped you as much as I hope it helps Hannah, we have many more
resources on how to understand trauma and what it does to a brain and then how to support our kids
who've been impacted by that early adversity when you go to our website at creatingafamily.org.
We've listed a few specific resources in the show notes for Hannah and for anyone else who wants to
learn more. And we hope that you take advantage of them. Thank you, Hannah, for asking us about the
brain and behavior. And thank you listeners for being with us today. I'll talk to you next week.