Is Fostering Going to Hurt My Kids? - Weekend Wisdom

Question: We are seriously considering becoming foster parents.  We have 2 children by birth, and I am really worried about how this will affect them and what I can do to prevent some of the negative effects.

Resources:

• The Impact of Fostering and Adoption on Kids Already in the Family (Resource)
• Talking with your Resident Kids about Foster Care or Kinship Care (Resource)
• What You Should Know About Disrupting Birth Order in Adoption & Foster Care

Transcript

Tracy Whitney 0:00

Hi, and welcome to Weekend Wisdom. This is our short practical podcast from creating afamily.org, and my name is Tracy Whitney. Many of us who are considering fostering are also concerned about the impact that fostering may have on the kids already living in our homes. And rightfully so, it is something that we should consider. Today we're sharing a classic from our archives featuring wisdom from our founding executive director, Dawn Davenport. In this episode, you'll hear her offer a well-rounded look at both the joys and the challenges of fostering while raising children already in our homes. I appreciate the chance to learn from her deep well of wisdom and experience, and I think you will too. She always has a good, well-rounded perspective on these conversations. So enjoy this episode of Is Fostering Going to Hurt My Kids? And share it with a friend who's considering foster care themselves. I look forward to talking to you next week.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

So today's question is we are seriously considering becoming foster parents. We have two children by birth, and I am really worried about how this will affect them and what I can do to prevent some of this negative. So you're correct. When you bring a new child into your family, it's natural to be alert to the impacts that will have on the existing children. Maybe it's not natural, it is good, I should say, that you are being aware of the kids who are in your family. Because honestly, one of the top reasons that foster placements fail is because the kids that are already in the family are not handling it well. And also, of course, it's good because we want all the children in your family to thrive. Before we talk about some of the negatives, I really think it's important to hit on some of the positives. Being a part of a foster family can bring incredible benefits to your children. In specific, it can bring benefits to how your children, the adults your children will become. Many kids whose parents have fostered end up carrying a strong sense of purpose to contribute to the world. That is how they are as adults. We hear from families that talk about that their children have developed a broader worldview and increased empathy towards the people in the world who have less and who are struggling. However, there are some potential negatives that you should be aware of for the children that are in your family. These kids are sometimes called residence kids or existing kids. One of the things we probably hear the most is that resident kids commonly struggle with a feeling of being invisible to their parents. And if you think about it, the feeling invisible means I'm not seen because the new child needs so much of my parents' attention, and they don't have any attention left over to give to me. And that is a real concern that I think that parents going into fostering need to be aware of. And the reality is that the new child coming into your family is going to need a lot of your attention. And you do need to give that child attention. So your existing kids might not get the same degree of attention they formerly experienced. And this feeling of invisibility can leave a sense of living in the new child's shadow. My parents only have a time for the new child. All the attention is going to the new child. My needs are secondary. And that my needs are secondary can also contribute to your current kids feeling that whatever challenges they are experiencing pale in comparison to the new child. You know, they're having trouble with a bully at school or their best friend has found another best friend. Well, that may seem really small to the new child coming in who has experienced severe neglect. And so it's easy for your existing child just to brush her concerns or his concerns under the rug if she senses that you're too busy with her sibling. Another impact is that your child very often will be able to recognize your transition struggles, the fact that you're wearier and overwhelmed. Your child will pick up on that. And some children were going to respond to this awareness by becoming either very self-sufficient or very overachievers, or I am not going to be an additional problem. Other kids go in the other direction and they do things that force you to pay attention to them as well. Both responses are your child's way of expressing a need. Neither way that she expresses them is a healthy way to do so. So, what can you do to help your child thrive while you foster? So let me give you three suggestions. The first suggestion: give your child a voice. And by that I mean find ways to give your resonant child a voice about fostering. Start talking about your desire to foster as soon as you and your partner, if you have one, get to the serious discussion stage. Include the why you want to foster. There's a strong desire you have. There is a reason why you have that strong desire. And you need to share that reason why with your kids. However, make space for them to share their thoughts and their worries and their fears. Don't put the pressure on them to immediately jump on board with you and share your excitement. And we aren't saying that you should be asking your child permission to foster. That's an adult decision, and that is something you and if you have a partner, you and your partner have to decide. Children don't make that decision. However, you do need to listen to them. You need to convey to them that what their feelings are, their voice matters, and that you are open to their perspective and their feelings. And if you face strong resistance, that's a sign you need to slow down. You need to do more listening, you need to do more preparation, you need to do more talking. Number two, make education a family affair. As you get further along in fostering, you will find that you're going to be required to do, oftentimes it's 30, 30 plus hours of training. You need to share with your child, of course, in an age-appropriate way, what you are learning in this training. You're going to be learning primarily about trauma and loss. And you're going to also hopefully be offered tools to help you handle these. And that's information you need to share with your children for them to understand how your family is changing and what to expect from the new kids entering into your home. You could talk about the behaviors you might see in newly fostered kids who are coming in and how your family plans to handle those behaviors. And if the way you're being taught to handle the impact of trauma, the behaviors caused by the impact of trauma is different from the way you have parented your children, you need to talk about that too and talk about the why that you're doing it differently. And you need to talk with your children and actually make them your partner and how you're going to help this new child that's coming into your family heal and attach to everyone, not just to mom and dad. Suggestion number three: prioritize one-on-one time. The reality is, as much as we parents may not want to acknowledge it, is time is a limited commodity. And when you bring another child in, especially a new older child who has experienced trauma, when you bring this child into your family, time will become even more limited. So before you start fostering, make a plan to have some individualized time with the kids you already have. And it doesn't have to be a big event where we're going out to dinner or we're going to a movie. I mean, those are fine too. They're great, in fact. But it doesn't have to be that. And it's easier to plan for some of the shorter ones. So have shorter, more spontaneous moments, like making certain you have a daily check-in at bedtime or when you're going to the grocery store, make sure you take one of your existing kids with you. And of course, as all parents know, car time to and from soccer, dance, taekwondo, whatever, are also great times to check in with your existing child. Look for opportunities to just take them alone so that you have time to talk with them and just them. I hope that these three suggestions, as well as the acknowledgement that you are wise to be considering your the how your existing kids are going to reflect. I hope that both the tips we've given you as well as this recognition help you move forward, and I wish you the best of luck as a foster parent. Before you leave, let me remind everyone that we have a newsletter here at Creating a Family. And it is terrific. It comes out once a month, and we have curated the best resources that we have found that will help you be a better parent. You can get this newsletter at creating a family.org slash newsletter. And thanks for listening to this week's Week in Wisdom. If you liked it, please share with a friend. Tell them about both Week in Wisdom as well as the regular creating a family dot org podcast. See you next week.