A parent's guide to surviving a loved one's addiction

In this episode of "Grieving Out Loud," host Angela Kennecke engages in a poignant discussion with Lisa Gennosa, a physician assistant and author of Incurable Hope: A Memoir and Survival Guide for Coping with a Loved One's Addiction. Despite Lisa's medical background and being married to a doctor, she found herself unprepared for her son's struggles with substance use disorder and mental health issues. This plight is not unique, as drug overdoses have become the leading cause of death for Americans under 50.

Recent CDC data reveals alarming trends among high school students: one-third of female students have seriously considered suicide in the past year, with over ten percent of male students also contemplating this tragic choice. Lisa's decision to publicize her journey with her son's addiction offers vital insights and support to families in similar situations.

In their conversation, Angela and Lisa delve into the often-overlooked warning signs of addiction, providing essential guidance and advice for families navigating these challenging circumstances. This heartfelt episode offers hope and support, inspiring a transformation from pain to healing, understanding, and empathy in the face of addiction.

Transcript

[00:00:00] News Reports: We are back with alarming new numbers in the ongoing opioid epidemic. The number of kids and teens dying from overdoses is spiking. 

We're in the middle of a youth mental health crisis in America. This is the defining public health challenge of our time, .

The U. S. Surgeon General has called it an urgent public health crisis, a devastating decline in the mental health of kids across the country. According to the CDC, the rates of suicide, self harm, anxiety, and depression are up among adolescents, a trend that began before the pandemic. 

[00:00:33] Angela Kennecke: You've likely heard alarming news headlines, ones that tell us drug overdoses are the leading cause of death among young people. But it's not just drug related concerns we need to be aware of. If we look at the most recent data from the CDC regarding high school students, we find another alarming trend.

Among female high school students, a staggering one third of them have admitted to seriously thinking about suicide within the past year. What's even more troubling is that one of every four female students has actually made a plan for taking their own life. As for their male counterparts, although the numbers are somewhat lower, there is still a significant portion, one in ten, who report that they too have contemplated suicide and developed a plan for it. 

[00:01:21] Lisa Gennosa: I wasn't prepared in school. My husband wasn't prepared in school for the the onslaught of, mental health and substance use disorder in this country right now. And so when you take that back 10 or 15 years, don't think the preparation was there 

[00:01:36] Angela Kennecke: Today's guest on Grieving Out Loud, Lisa Gennosa, is a physician assistant, her husband is a physician. Despite their medical background, they say they were unprepared when their own son began grappling with substance use disorder and mental health challenges.

[00:01:52] Lisa Gennosa: I think the root of his addiction was, he tells me now that he always felt inadequate. He never felt enough. He never had the confidence. think the root of the addiction happened because when he said he drank for the very first time, he felt so powerful. felt like, maybe this is how everybody else feels, but I feel I can do anything now 

[00:02:15] Angela Kennecke: But how do you help your child with those feelings? What steps do you take if you suspect your loved one is battling addiction or mental health issues? 

, Lisa wanted to make this challenging journey a little easier on others, so she decided to share her experiences and insight in a book she titled, Incurable Hope, a memoir and survival guide for coping with a loved one's addiction.

In this episode of Grieving Out Loud, Lisa shares her son's journey. the advice she has for others and the warning signs she believes she may have missed. (MUSIC DOWN) 

I'm Angela Kenecke. This is Grieving Out Loud. I hope this podcast gives you a deeper understanding of one of the biggest crises facing our nation. 

 (MUSIC TRANSITION) 

[00:03:02] Angela Kennecke: Lisa, thank you for joining me on Grieving Out Loud. I am very interested in hearing your story and more about this book.

[00:03:11] Lisa Gennosa: Well, I really appreciate you having me today. Very honored to be here.

[00:03:14] Angela Kennecke: You are a physician's assistant. You're married to a physician. You grew up in a law enforcement family, so you probably know a lot about drugs, alcohol addiction, all of those things. Your background, 

[00:03:29] Lisa Gennosa: I do. I do. Although I never thought in a million years it would have affected my life like it did. I've been around it since I was a child because of my mom's career. into my life in a very different way my son.

[00:03:42] Angela Kennecke: and what was your mother's career?

[00:03:44] Lisa Gennosa: She was a liquor narcotics agent.

 (MUSIC UP) 

[00:03:46] Angela Kennecke: Despite her family history and expertise, Lisa says she felt unprepared for the heart wrenching battle that unfolded as her son faced substance use disorder and mental health issues starting at a young age.

[00:03:59] Lisa Gennosa: (MUSIC UP) my son was around the age of 12 or 13 when he started drinking really as a, coping mechanism for . awkward in his own skin. And he was doing that elsewhere at his dad's house, at friend's houses. he just found it as something that just gave him the courage, you know, kind of that liquid courage initially. So he was drinking initially 

[00:04:19] Angela Kennecke: (MUSIC UP) It may be shocking that kids as young as 12 are trying alcohol, but research from Columbia University reveals that the average age at which a teen boy first experiments with alcohol is 11, and for teen girls, it's 13.

It's not just an early introduction to alcohol that's a concern. Research shows that alcohol use during adolescence can interfere with normal brain development and increase the risk of substance use disorder.

During our last Grieving Out Loud episode, we had a candid conversation with Natasha Combs, who shared her own experiences, including beginning experimenting with alcohol at the age of 11.

[00:05:04] Natasha Combs: And I just remember having this beer and it was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. The feeling that I felt, I felt relaxed and I felt like I could accomplish anything. And so I kind of would, you know, sneak those alcoholic drinks and things like that. And then when I was 12 I actually got drunk and almost drowned in the lake in our backyard. (MUSIC UP) 

[00:05:24] Angela Kennecke: Because of that, Natasha's parents found out she had a problem and sought help, but Lisa says she didn't know her son was struggling for years. (MUSIC UP) 

[00:05:35] Lisa Gennosa: We were working and, having dinner every night together. We you know, he went to the prom. He played sports. We family gatherings. There was no indication other than things that we recognize now that we missed.

[00:05:50] Angela Kennecke: what were those things that you think that you missed? That I think this could help other parents, right.

[00:05:55] Lisa Gennosa: Oh yeah. Well, when especially boys are young they have that testosterone kicking in. And so, you know, things are, they're a little more irritable. They don't sleep well. have some relationship issues. have some pretty serious bullying in his teenage years. Online people were telling him to go kill himself, things like that. And, we got him out of that situation. 

But every time we'd kind of check in with him, he would always say, well, I'm, I'm okay. I'm fine. but you know, now we look back now and, was nearly 20 years ago, but today think so many more parents are a little better at sort of navigating therapy and navigating sort of the mental health potential problems in young adults and we weren't there yet, even though we were working in medicine. It just wasn't the topic of conversation at that time. 

And so we were missing some cues.

[00:06:53] Angela Kennecke: So you didn't take him to counseling for bullying at that time?

[00:06:59] Lisa Gennosa: No no. We, checked in with quite a bit.

[00:07:01] Angela Kennecke: What I have to tell you, was, my daughter was also acting erratically and not sleeping and some of the things you talk about and I didn't know if she was using anything or not at that time. And I did try to take her to counseling 'cause she had started some behaviors like, sneaking out at night, those kinds of things.

So she would've been you know, just a couple years younger than your son. but I didn't have any luck with the counselors. It was so hard to find counselor that made any difference, you know?

So that was a real problem.

[00:07:34] Lisa Gennosa: Yeah. I don't think that they were as prepared as they're becoming. And what I mean by that is we're dealing with a different level of, you know, young adult and children with their mental health and . Trauma disorders, things like that. we're beyond where it was 20 years ago. And I think mental health and even primary care is just now catching up, trying to catch up to really the demands and the needs of individuals with substance use disorder and mental health. We, I work in the every day. I work in family medicine, but I'm on the front line of . I feel like many times we're sometimes the very first, first individuals that people will come to and say, I'm having a problem. Or family members will come to and say, I need some help.

don't know where else to turn. I live in a more rural community and really there's, just not the resources at all in, rural, areas. And so they come to us and 

I wasn't prepared in school. My husband wasn't prepared in school for the the onslaught of, mental health and substance use disorder in this country right now. And so when you take that back 10 or 15 years, don't think the preparation was there or the capabilities quite yet. 

[00:08:47] Angela Kennecke: Yeah, I think you're absolutely on target and I know physicians don't get that kind of training. maybe a day, right? day. And for other healthcare professionals, it's maybe an elective. So we need to really focus on that because you're right, you are on the front lines and you have to know what to tell people and where to direct 'em and how help 'em.

[00:09:06] Lisa Gennosa: yeah, what to do? Where are the resources? What, what medications we can use, things like that 

[00:09:11] Angela Kennecke: in the most recent episode of Grieving Out Loud, I spoke with Dr. Hannah Stotz DeVries, an addiction medicine physician. She emphasized the crucial need for more comprehensive substance use disorder training among medical professionals.

[00:09:26] Dr. Hannah Statz DeVries: We've got a lot of, you know, even older physicians that didn't get very robust training really at all. You know, they're learning this in practice. Things that, you know, I'm personally trying to implement is Coming, you know, this next academic year, internal medicine residents are gonna be rotating with me.

That I can teach them, Hey Suboxone, this is how we do it and this is why we do it. And I think starting small steps like that can be helpful. More physicians trained in addictions, more fellowships, you know, things like that. That's an ideal world, right? 

 (MUSIC UP) 

[00:09:55] Angela Kennecke: Unfortunately, the world is far from ideal. And one of its imperfections is the prevalence of bullying, even among really young children, like Lisa's son, Tyler. However, Lisa firmly believes that bullying, while a negative influence, wasn't the primary factor that drove him towards substance use.

[00:10:14] Lisa Gennosa:  I think the root of his addiction was, he tells me now that he always felt inadequate. He never felt enough. He never had the confidence. think the root of the addiction happened because when he said he drank for the very first time, he felt so powerful. felt like, maybe this is how everybody else feels, but I feel I can do anything now because, you know, he had a substance on board and that fueled that confidence all of a sudden that that he was missing. 

And we've questioned that a million times. did we go wrong that he didn't have self-worth or self-confidence because we were kind of always a loving family.

But I did get a divorce when he was very young. And I have to believe unfortunately, that Was the instigator, know, in the very beginning.

[00:11:06] Angela Kennecke: Well, it could have contributed to it, and I, I relate to that because I also was divorced when Emily was young and she was my child who Had the most difficulty with it.

Yeah.

Also, I think some of it could be personality or just the way that their makeup is because she had always been a very needy child and had a certain sense of insecurity that matter how much I bo her up, no matter how much I told her how wonderful she was and everything. it was always there a little bit, you know, and I, can't really put it into words, maybe effectively,

Almost as if it's a personality trait. I don't know.

[00:11:45] Lisa Gennosa: You're right. You're absolutely right. And man, I've spent the last, almost two decades now trying to get at the core of why why is this affliction, on my son, why is he dealing with it and go back to those same questions,

[00:11:59] Angela Kennecke: (MUSIC UP) Lisa was left with a multitude of questions when she first discovered her son's battle with substance abuse. The initial red flag appeared shortly after Tyler started college. (quick music up) 

[00:12:11] Lisa Gennosa: he was thrown out of college within three and a half months. home with a D U I. Missing front teeth. 'cause he got him punched out, and the school actually talked to me and said, I think there's a problem here. You need to get this addressed.

And so we kinda tuned in and said, you know, what's going on yet? I was still in denial. I was still thinking this is. You know, young men antics, he's gonna grow out of this, this is gonna get better, everything's gonna be okay. And I held onto that lie to myself for, for a number of additional years until really things issues, medical issues, so many things started happening. And then . When December 5th in 2017 happened, that, was that sort of that catalyst that says, I can't look back, I can't not see it for what it is anymore

[00:13:04] Angela Kennecke: What happened on that date?

[00:13:06] Lisa Gennosa: on that date. it very . Simply, I guess for, today, he was suicidal. Had a blood alcohol content at that point with other drugs in his system of over 0.4. So for anybody to understand, a legal driving limit in my state is zero 0.08 he was at point. Four.

And so that is, it was actually at 0.43 to be specific. But that is a deadly level of alcohol in the body. That's when sudden cardiac death and seizures will happen. 

WE were able to find him, by divine intervention. I, I really, truly feel that way to this day. was taken to the hospital for, acute intoxication, suicidal ideation he also had bumped his head.

And ultimately in the hospital was a, mental health deputy that was brought in and people in that state are a little bit more volatile. He wasn't combative, anything like that, but it was, you know, the man came in, in the middle of the night, not very happy to be there, and he didn't deescalate the situation.

In fact, it was very escalated. ultimately took my son out of the hospital and put him in jail, and within about 12 hours he was put in solitary confinement in a suicidal state. that was against what the hospital had recommended, what the social worker and the psychologist had recommended, of course. so we dealt with that for a long time. 

was a lot of bits and pieces in there that were also horrific, but that was the gist of what happened that night. Many years later, we ultimately found out. That he had been assaulted in his later teen years by a football coach.

we didn't know that at the time. We didn't know that in 2017, but I always kind of look at the why. And that night when he was suicidal, not able to hold on to that trauma anymore, that secret. He was holding that for so long and he couldn't hold it in himself anymore.

And that's where it led. And ultimately law enforcement put him in solitary confinement and I'll never be able to accept that as okay. It was unethical. It was unprofessional. wrong. And hate to to say, I guess, guess I don't wanna say this, but because he didn't die that night. I don't have any recourse really. And so I took what happened to him and, and wrote because I needed that outlet to take that pain and get it all out of me. So that's where the book came from initially.

[00:15:31] Angela Kennecke: it's incredible that he didn't die. 'cause it sounds like he belonged in the hospital. Right.

[00:15:36] Lisa Gennosa: Correct? 

[00:15:37] Angela Kennecke: At that point, was he willing to get help? 

[00:15:40] Lisa Gennosa: I mean it, went through some serious stages. ultimately he ended up you know, getting out of the, the jail system where unfortunately many people with substance use disorder and mental health are housed because there's just not the facilities Right. And the resources, although that's changing a little bit.

I've been working on that with my state quite a bit. He got to a point where they said, you need to be in rehab. He went to rehab and actually maintained two years of sobriety after that. Now, I kind of always look at that and say, there's no crystal ball in that moment. Like, I, know if, would've been treated with dignity and with more respect in that moment.

Maybe today it would be a completely different story. I do believe it would be a completely different story today, but he had two years of sobriety after that, so I'm thankful for that. (MUSIC UP) 

[00:16:29] Angela Kennecke: But two years into his sobriety journey, Tyler relapsed. According to Lisa, her son's main struggle was with alcohol, but he also abused many illicit drugs.

 (MUSIC UP) 

[00:16:41] Lisa Gennosa: there was a girl involved and situational events that were overwhelming for his system at the time, and couldn't handle it anymore, and he did relapse. 

[00:16:53] Angela Kennecke: how was your relationship with him during these times? The times when he was drinking or getting into trouble, so to speak. 

[00:17:02] Lisa Gennosa: Very tumultuous. I mean, it was, it was, it was very difficult. 'cause we're so close uh, son and I are so close and we really understand each other on, you know, a philosophical and a psychological level. he's a very intelligent young man, and communicate time. We still do to this day. We talk almost every day. 

during those times, most people know it's that Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. And it was tough. It was difficult to . See this person who you know is ,  the happy child that you had and the productive individual that, you know, everybody else loves and admires and know, holds them up and, and you know, that's there, you know, that's inside, but that's not they look like.

Right. Then there's, it's interesting 'cause I do a lot of talks Students and things like that in medical programs and for law enforcement and stuff. And I have a picture that I pull up and I show an image of him that he had called me and I snapped it 'cause I, I was gonna show it to him. I thought that would help someday. That was foolish. But I was, always think through ideas at the time. 

But, so I have this beautiful picture of my son when he's sober, and then I have a picture of him when he's not. 

It's so dramatic. It's such a dramatic visualization. I use it in my talks all the time and people sort of gasp, 

[00:18:20] Angela Kennecke: (MUSIC UP) Despite the physical, financial, and emotional toll that substance use disorder has taken on Lisa and her family, she is relieved to share that her son is once again in recovery.

 (MUSIC UP) 

[00:18:33] Lisa Gennosa: he's sober, he's healthy. he has a long way to go. This is no fairytale. 

[00:18:39] Angela Kennecke: no happy ending, so to speak, because you're can always relapse. I mean, there's always the threat fear of that, especially as a parent. I would think that's the case. Yeah.

[00:18:49] Lisa Gennosa: yes. But he's incredibly supportive of. The book and talking about what he went through, because he wants to help other people like I do, and I'm very proud of him for his courage to do that.? ] 

[00:19:01] Angela Kennecke: your title of your book, incurable Hope, A Memoir and Survival Guide for Coping With a Loved One's Addiction. The Survival Guide really intrigued me because, People do always ask me for advice, and I always say, well, if I had all the right advice, my kid would still be alive. But you have survived this and your son is doing better today. when you say survival guide, tell me what you mean by that.

[00:19:28] Lisa Gennosa: Well, I shared with other individuals what, it took me over a decade to figure out. 

what I was trying to do was compress the timeline for other people so they're not stumbling and making a million mistakes like I did. And so they can have some, what I call decoding the language of a addiction. Available to them because when your child or, or loved one or spouse, whoever it is, is going through this, there's so much of it that is, it's like to learn a different language, like going to a different country.

And so when I put this book together, kind of how I speak to my patients and how I try to help them or their family members. So I included information on . Treatment options therapy options, explaining medications, explaining the difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist a counselor Terminology that they may not understand, like use this often. a pink cloud. The pink cloud, which is a term used by individuals after they go through recovery. So there's this phase of, of elation almost. 

if you're not in that world and you're the person you love the most is trying to speak to you about these things, you you need to have some basic understanding. So I share that. I share the experience with family. I talk about the You know, mental health aspect of things and sort of explain a lot of that. I talk about rehabs and understanding the process of, and choosing and deciding on a rehab and and how, and where and why. so there's just a lot of information that . Again, we just stumbled over, over, and over and over again until we kind of had to figure it out, I don't want people to have to do that.

[00:21:06] Angela Kennecke: Yeah, I think navigating those systems is so difficult, and that's what I really struggled with, and I still don't think it's always a straight road, right? Because you can make a choice and think it's the right one for you and your loved one or your family, and it turns out not to be. 

[00:21:22] Lisa Gennosa: Yes. 

[00:21:23] Angela Kennecke: even with all the best advice in the world there's no easy getting from point A to point B.

[00:21:29] Lisa Gennosa: Absolutely. And I really do give a lot of information to help figure that out. There's some important things that, you know, accreditation, for example, of a rehab a detox center or something like that, an outpatient facility is important to know about. What is accreditation? Why is that important?

So I talk about those things.

[00:21:48] Angela Kennecke: Right. And I think most people don't know that there are very few regulations surrounding treatment centers. Almost anybody can hang up a shingle and call themselves a treatment center. 

That's why at Emily's Hope we do treatment scholarships, partial scholarships. With a treatment center that's affiliated with the medical system. So you know, there you don't know what you don't know, you know, until you get in this world.

[00:22:12] Lisa Gennosa: Exactly, and, it is why I, spent about four years putting the book together because I just wanted to give people that resource that I could hand over. 'cause I, I would spend so much time in the office writing all this stuff down for people I'd say, you gotta check this, podcast out, or this book, or you know, this website or this YouTube channel.

And so I finally said, no, let's, let me put this all together so maybe somebody else can. Can have it 

[00:22:39] Angela Kennecke: (MUSIC UP) In addition to offering advice, Lisa's memoir is a candid account of her family's struggle, the people they encountered, and the challenging situations they had to navigate. She doesn't hold back when it comes to sharing her emotions and moments of self doubt while trying to help her son with his addiction.

At the same time, she offers hope to others going through this difficult journey. This difficult journey.

[00:23:05] Lisa Gennosa: So hopefully there's enough information in there that I. I even talk about a little bit of the science behind and understanding substance use disorder, what's happening in the brain without getting too technical, because this is for everybody. yes, I study medicine, but want other people to understand what's happening so that they're letting go of resentment and finding ways to help the one that they love.

 (MUSIC UP) 

[00:23:30] Angela Kennecke: But Lisa's efforts go beyond writing a book. She's also trying to prevent other people from having the same traumatic experience as her son by offering de escalation and crisis intervention training for law enforcement.

She also speaks with students, medical professionals, and EMTs along with other groups to share her insights and experiences. Her mission is to make a real impact in preventing others from enduring the same painful journey her family has experienced.

 (MUSIC UP) I think there's so much that needs to change within society. But it starts with people talking about it, having that conversation, you writing about it. People, being more open to these discussions. And I think also more training among medical professionals as well  

[00:24:15] Lisa Gennosa: We need to be. Onboard ready to manage this. There should be no exceptions to that. help others get educated so that they come outta the gate ready to go and to help these people. This is part of medicine, this is medicine.

[00:24:29] Angela Kennecke: Right. .Right. So true. Well, thank you um, so much for writing this book and for sharing your family's story and some of the advocacy work that you're doing. Really appreciate it and we'll put a link in the show notes to the book appreciate you joining us today.

[00:24:45] Lisa Gennosa: Thank you so much for. (MUSIC UP) 

[00:24:47] Angela Kennecke: And thank you for tuning in to this episode of Grieving Out Loud. We hope this discussion has shed light on the issues so many young people face today. 

Please check out other Grieving Out Loud episodes if you found this valuable, and consider leaving a positive review and sharing it with your friends and family. 

Your support helps in our mission to break the stigma surrounding substance use disorder, increase awareness about the historic drug epidemic, and hopefully get more people the crucial treatment they need.

Join us next week as we have a heartwarming conversation with the father I met at the White House during my meeting with some of our nation's top government officials who are battling the drug crisis. It's an episode you won't want to miss. Once again, thanks for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage.

This podcast is produced by Casey Wonnenberg King and Anna Fye.

 (MUSIC UP)