Resilience revealed: How Life Coach Lynn Gillette is using her loss to help others

How do you navigate life's unexpected challenges? Do you crumble under the weight, foster resentment, or embrace each trial as an opportunity for personal growth?

In this episode of Grieving Out Loud, we welcome Lynn Gillette, who, at first glance, seemed to have life all figured out. With her children's recent high school graduation, she entered an empty nest, ready to dedicate herself to a career as a school principal. However, life had other plans. A sudden and tragic turn of events saw the passing of both her brother and his ex-wife, leaving Lynn and her husband responsible for their four children.

Lynn's journey not only entailed grappling with grief but also making pivotal decisions as the guardian of her four nieces. Rather than succumbing to the pressure, Lynn confronted the challenges head-on, learned from the hardships, and has since emerged as a beacon of strength, now helping others as a life coach.

Lynn discusses how you discern your life's mission and purpose and navigate those challenging moments, whether it be the loss of a loved one, a job, or your health. We hope this episode leaves you hopeful you navigate life's unexpected twists.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Angela Kennecke: How do you respond when life throws you a curveball? Do you crumple up and cry, nurture resentment, or view the challenge as an opportunity for personal 

[00:00:16] Lynn Gillette: growth? We have circumstances that we're living in, right? A lot of times we think it's the circumstances. that are causing us to be where we are. We think it's the circumstances that are giving us the results that we have.

But actually, it's our thoughts about the circumstances. And it's our thoughts that drive our feeling. 

[00:00:37] Angela Kennecke: Today's guest on Grieving Out Loud, Lynn Gillette, seemed to have life all figured out. Her children had graduated from high school, leaving her with an empty nest. She was ready to focus on her career as a school principal in a growing city, but that's when life took an unexpected turn.

Both her brother and his ex wife died, leaving behind four children. 

[00:01:01] Lynn Gillette: There are things in life that are gonna happen where you have no other option but to make the change that serves your mission and your 

[00:01:12] Angela Kennecke: purpose. But how do you figure out your mission and your purpose in life? And let's face it, when life throws us those tough moments, like losing someone that you love, or losing a job, or going through a divorce, figuring out how to keep going and actually learn something from that experience can be a real challenge.

In today's episode of Grieving Out Loud, Lynn, who's now a life coach, shares practical advice that you can actually use to get through those tough times, learn valuable lessons, And bounce back even stronger, then it's 

[00:01:46] Lynn Gillette: okay to not be okay. But I'm also learning that it's okay to be okay. It's okay to live and enjoy life because again, both things can be true.

I can miss my brother right, and I can love experiencing milestones with his girls.

[00:02:05] Angela Kennecke: Hi, I'm Angela Leki, the host of Grieving Out Loud, and the founder of Emily's Hope. Whether you've lost a loved one or wrestling with mental health issues. are just dealing with life challenges. Our goal is that this episode leaves you feeling more empowered and optimistic as you navigate through life's unexpected twists.

Lynn, thank you so much for joining me here on Grieving Out Loud. 

[00:02:34] Lynn Gillette: Thanks for inviting me. I really appreciate it. I 

[00:02:37] Angela Kennecke: am really interested in your story and a little bit of what you're doing now with your life, and I think that our listeners will really benefit from some of your experiences as well as some of your advice, so I kind of can't wait just to dig into it, but I wanted to start with talking about how you were in the education profession for just about as long as I was in TV news.

[00:02:59] Lynn Gillette: Yeah, so I had been a teacher and a principal And I was a principal through, gosh, it was starting the school year 2021, and my brother passed away in May of 2021 of cancer. He had battled cancer for about a year, a super hard fight, and at the time, he was living in North Carolina with his four daughters, and their mom was also present in North Carolina, and she was fighting a battle also with mental illness and addiction.

And so when Jason passed away, the girls moved here to Sioux Falls with my husband, Zane, and I, and their mom also moved to Sioux Falls and continued her battle and her treatment.

[00:03:48] Angela Kennecke: At the time, Lynn had dedicated three decades to the education profession and was passionate about her job as a school principal. She was also getting used to becoming an empty nester. 

[00:04:01] Lynn Gillette: So we actually were empty nesters for nine months. And I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty incredible. At first we were so sad.

We were just like, oh, this stinks. But it only took about a month and we were like, oh my gosh, we don't want to cook supper. We don't have to cook 

[00:04:16] Angela Kennecke: supper. Right. I think that's the biggest thing. The supper thing. Yeah. 

[00:04:20] Lynn Gillette: And it was so funny because one night we were eating supper and watching Wheel of Fortune and I looked at Zane and I'm like, life cannot be like this.

And he's like, what do you mean? We cannot sit here every night at 6 30 and eat supper watching Wheel of Fortune. Like no, this is what old people do when we are not old people yet. And no offense to people like Wheel of Fortune, but it just, for me, I was like, wait a minute, this is what we're going to do every night at 6 30.

[00:04:45] Angela Kennecke: Little did Lynn know her life was about to change dramatically. In May of 2022. Her brother's ex wife lost her battle with mental illness and substance use disorder. She took her own life, and Lynn and her husband became the caretakers of their four nieces.

[00:05:05] Lynn Gillette: And at that point, I just decided that I needed to step away from being a principal. I returned to the classroom as a reading specialist. Which allowed me to still serve in the school community, but also be much more present for the girls in every way, mentally, physically, emotionally. I just really felt like we needed to put the floor in beneath their feet.

And it's not to say that if you're a principal you aren't showing up for your family, but there is an intensity to being a principal. And I wanted to make sure I was doing a great job professionally, and I wanted to make sure I was doing a great job personally. And I just knew, I just felt the pull to return to the classroom as a reading specialist, which again, allowed me to serve children and be part of a school community, but also show up even more for the girls as they endured another loss.

Well, 

[00:05:59] Angela Kennecke: I could see how they would greatly need you and some consistency in their lives. How old were they when your brother 

[00:06:08] Lynn Gillette: died? So they had just completed third, fifth. 7th and 9th grades. So they then came to us that summer and started their 4th, 6th, 8th and 10th grade.

[00:06:23] Angela Kennecke: At that point, Lynn was not only dealing with her own grief and making significant changes in her life, she was also helping her nieces navigate their new normal, living in a new city, going to different schools. and most importantly, facing life without both of their parents.

The grief for the kids, the grief over losing probably the rock, the parent who was their rock, I'm sure their dad, to cancer. And then a year later, losing their mom. 

[00:06:55] Lynn Gillette: Yeah, and that was, that was so understandably very tragic because also, I saw hope there. I know she was fighting to get better. And I saw communication starting to open between her and some of the girls, some more than others, you know, you, with every child, it's different and you have to take things at their pace.

And so that was really tough to see that the hope that was held, the dreams that we had for all being one huge village, that was hard to see that go as well. 

[00:07:33] Angela Kennecke: Yeah, it makes me incredibly sad. Yeah. And ultimately their mother completed 

[00:07:38] Lynn Gillette: suicide. Yeah. She died of suicide ultimately because of the mental illness.

[00:07:43] Angela Kennecke: And addiction, I'm sure. You know, addiction plays such a big role in suicides as well. So this all goes hand in hand, the mental health, substance use disorder. I'm so incredibly sad for you and for those girls. And I think it must be hard. to help them cope with their grief while you're experiencing your own 

[00:08:06] Lynn Gillette: grief.

I received a beautiful letter from one of my nieces probably about a year and a half ago. It's a letter I'll keep forever. And in the letter she had written, you know, thank you for being there for us as we were grieving and you yourself were grieving, but you showed up for us. And that just melted me.

You kind of get to a point where It's like, this is how it was supposed to be, because I have to tell myself that this is how it was going to be. Jason was meant to be in their life for 44 years. Annie was meant to be in their life for 44 years. And if they weren't able to continue their lives here on earth, that, you know, I'm here to help continue the work that they started.

And when I think about it like that, like this is how it was. Supposed to be. It doesn't mean Jason was supposed to die and Annie was supposed to die and they were supposed to have these awful challenges, but it does bring me some peace that I'm here and Zane too. My husband is a big part of this. You know, he had only met the girls once or twice.

Wow. Yeah. Because we had lived so far away. And so for him to step up and be this incredible man and husband and dad, the girls call him dunkle for dad, uncle, you know, it's just incredible. And so I have to tell myself, this is how it was meant to be. And that brings me a lot of peace. 

[00:09:47] Angela Kennecke: I think it's really good idea to reframe things in your mind because it's really easy to go down a track of despair.

And that's what you're talking about, really, is reframing something in your head. And I think about that often with my daughter. I'm so grateful I had 21 years with her. Even though seven of those years were pretty tough because I was dealing with rebellion and some start of mental health and addiction issues, right?

And that was really, really hard and there's not a lot of Easy answers as you know with your sister in law, right? There weren't like easy answers. You can't just fix it and I think that's so hard But thank God I had those 21 years and I'm sure that if you can think of it reframe it in the way You're talking about is a great tool 

[00:10:29] Lynn Gillette: to use Yeah, and I have to do that because when I do that it allows me to show up differently for the girls because if I am If I get really immersed and stuck, if I get really, really stuck in my grief, I'm not able to show up for the girls in the way that they need me to show up for them.

And so that reframing really helps me to be there for them in the way that they need Dane and I to be there. And it doesn't mean that it's easy. It doesn't mean that I don't have moments of closing the door in the bathroom and having tears and it doesn't mean that at all. You really need to honor and feel what you feel.

Well, also 

[00:11:13] Angela Kennecke: it strikes me when you experience these profound losses and life changes. And for you, this was, I mean, I had a dramatic change too. I changed careers because of it. You changed careers. So there's some similarities there. But. This is not how you were expecting your life to go because we all have pictures in our heads like you'd worked for 30 years for the school district.

Your own children are grown, right? And you're not thinking you're going to turn around and raise more kids. And even feeling some resentment would be natural. I think I felt that way, you know, after my daughter said, this isn't, this isn't my plan. My plan wasn't, you know, to have lost a child in this way.

My plan wasn't to start a charity. None of it was what I had planned. 

[00:11:51] Lynn Gillette: Yeah. And that's where the reframing is so helpful because yeah. Of course there can be resentment, that's normal, and that's a phrase too that I think, you know, we need to give ourselves permission is, of course I feel this way, who wouldn't feel this way, of course we do, and giving yourself that grace, just as you would your best friend, or your sibling, or your spouse, giving yourself the same grace you would give someone else, And life did change.

I mean, it was going from a principal then to teaching. And then I found life coaching and fell in love with it and saw what it could do for people in increasing the value and the quality of their life. And so I retired in May of 2023. So this year, I actually had started my own business in the fall. And it's just taken off.

And so I was able to retire in May of 2023 and do this full time, which has opened up so many possibilities now and flexibility for me to be there for the girls like I never was. And so at times that when things were changing and I would feel that resentment or that this is not what I had planned, a couple of things would happen.

I would think about if I'm feeling this way, As a 54 year old woman with all this life experience, what do my nieces feel as children? I mean, you want to talk about change, changing from North Carolina, everything changed. South Dakota, changing their home, changing friends, changing who's raising them, changing the bed they sleep in.

So when I would think about that, I was like, gosh, if I'm feeling this, I can only imagine what they're feeling. And then the other thing that was really helpful for me was both things can be true. I can feel resentment and I can feel nothing but unconditional love and wanting to show up for my nieces.

Both things can be true. 

[00:13:53] Angela Kennecke: You're right, we can have conflicting emotions at the same time, no doubt. And your nieces, I know suicide can feel like the biggest rejection of it all, right? Mm hmm. So are they in counseling? What kind of? Help are they getting because yeah, I just think and then you worry about some of the hereditary factors that go along with mental health and addiction, right?

[00:14:15] Lynn Gillette: So, right away, we got the girls a therapist, even before their mom passed. When they moved to Sioux Falls, we knew that that was going to be critically important to support their mental health. And so we found a fabulous therapist. Each of the girls really clicked with her. They each had their own sessions with her.

She was phenomenal. And then she moved in to be a therapist with an organization, which then No longer allowed her to have private clients, but fortunately she had a very wonderful recommendation for us. And so the girls still see their therapist, but the visits are much further apart than what they were just because the girls are thriving and it's wonderful.

And we keep a very open dialogue in our home about mental health. And that is just something that is not taboo in our home. It is on the table to talk about at any time. You know, it's, it's no different than if the girl's high cholesterol runs in our family and cancer runs in our family. So, of course we talk about things to do health wise to help prevent that as much as possible.

So why wouldn't we also include mental health with that? It's a very open topic in our home. And You know, when it comes to the rejection that some can feel when suicide happens, a long time ago, I used to think suicide was selfish because I was like, gosh, you're closing the door on everybody who loves you and you're just leaving the world and, but through the years, as you gain life experience and you gain new perspectives and you, you have empathy, I realize it's not that suicide is selfish.

It's that mental illness. What it does is it robs this beautiful person of being able to think rationally, of being able to realize how loved they are and their incredible value. Right. 

[00:16:19] Angela Kennecke: As do substances. As do substances. Absolutely. You know, it's the same. They go hand in hand and you're right. Yeah. And so to reframe it for your nieces, what happened with their mother so that they don't take it personally.

I think that's the hard part, right? For a child. Right. To see things because they don't have that life experience that you're 

[00:16:40] Lynn Gillette: talking about. Right. Well, that's where that therapy comes in to play. It's very critical that they have that professional help. And then also, you know, my whole thing with them is, your mom loved you.

This wasn't about mom choosing. I either love them or I leave. This was about her not being able to think rationally. That part of her brain working rationally. It wasn't her conscious decision to. Leave her girls, she would never intentionally hurt them. It's just that the mental illness and addiction or substance abuse gets its claws in to these beautiful people.

And, and it rips them away from. everything that grounds them. 

[00:17:27] Angela Kennecke: Here on Grieving Out Loud, as part of the charity Emily's Hope, our goal is to raise awareness about substance use disorder and mental illness, and hopefully get people the help they need. If you'd like to learn more about these diseases of the brain, we have a wealth of resources on our website, emilyshope.

charity. While you're there, you can also check out more podcast episodes on the topic. including this episode with psychiatrist Dr. Matt Stanley. Can we talk a little bit, Dr. Stanley? I understand that about half of the population doesn't believe addiction is a disease. Can you explain to people why and how addiction is a 

[00:18:08] Matt Stanley: disease?

Yeah, I think maybe the easiest thing for people to kind of accept is when we compare it to other chronic diseases. So addiction, much like diabetes, which is a disease we often use as a comparator, Addiction is genetically driven. Physiologic changes occur at the receptor level. We have a bunch of neurochemicals in the brain that are affected.

It really is the physiology of the body that begins to dictate the addiction. I think where people get really hung up is they feel like this is a disease of choice. A moral failing. Moral failing and that and we've heard that repeatedly and we get I think because we often like many illnesses We as people who care about the people with addictions get really frustrated get really angry And I think sometimes that anger is expressed by saying, you know You need to control this.

This is a moral problem. This is a weakness of character. But on the other hand, if you look again at that dia that diagnosis of diabetes, many of much of that is developed through lifestyle, exercise, but it's very genetic, it's very powerful, and there are changes you have to commit to to be able to manage that.

It's not different in most aspects when you start to compare them between addictions and diseases like diabetes that we call chronic medical illnesses.

[00:19:35] Angela Kennecke: Lynn is helping her nieces understand the science of substance use disorder. She hopes that their open and honest conversations will be useful as her nieces grow and face new challenges.

I would imagine there are challenges and there will be new challenges as time goes on and they process and think about all of this and experience their grief as they grow because their grief will change, right? As they develop. Right. 

[00:20:03] Lynn Gillette: Absolutely. Absolutely. So. They are now in 6th grade, 8th grade, 10th grade, and 12th grade, and they all handle it differently.

Sure. So what I've learned is I take their lead. Some of them are very private, they don't really talk a lot about it with me, where a couple of them are very open about it. And so I kind of take their lead, and just the other night I was tucking one of them in, and she was having some tears, and she just said, I really miss mom and dad.

Oh, you know, I want to fix that and I know I can't and it's not about fixing things for them. It's about listening and I read the situation. So when that happens, sometimes it's a matter of just listening. Well, it's always a matter of listening, just listening and seeing what they're feeling. But sometimes it's a matter of talking about, you know, what do you think right now they're most proud of?

You know, what do you think they're most getting a kick out of that you're doing or that you've done or something that's happened? But that night, my heart, my intuition told me just to let her know that I miss them too. I, I can't even imagine what you are feeling with your mom and dad passing away. I can't imagine, but one thing I am certain of is that I am so glad.

That they trust Zayn and I to be here for you, love you, and provide for you. I'm so grateful that they have that trust in us and that believe in us. And that seemed to really help her. I mean, I could just see this weight come off her in this light. And it's never about saying the right thing or doing the right thing.

But it's just about showing up the best way that you know how. to support them and, and not trying to fix it for them. That's one thing I've learned too, you know, after raising two kids and now doing this all over again, I have learned so much from my mistakes. Oh my gosh. So you're 

[00:22:07] Angela Kennecke: not making the same mistakes.

I'm sure there are different ones, right? 

[00:22:10] Lynn Gillette: Yes. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I am definitely making new mistakes, but I try not to come in as though I'm fixing it because when we just try to rush into our kids lives and fix everything, we're not honoring them. We're not honoring their growth. We're not honoring the way that they're thinking about it.

We're not even giving them a chance to expand they're thinking on it. So that's true. 

[00:22:32] Angela Kennecke: That's true. And some of that maybe comes with age and you're not living through the moment of the hecticness of trying to balance your job with the kids and you're spread so thin. I think we do become wiser as we get older, right?

Absolutely. So it may be a little bit from that too. And you mentioned about the life coaching that you're doing now. And I know life coaching can be the brunt of a lot of jokes. So let's talk about what is a life coach. It is not a counselor. You're not trained as a counselor, 

[00:22:58] Lynn Gillette: right? Right. So life coaching is about helping someone shift or change the way that they're thinking about something and actually, though, giving them real tools then to do something about those new thoughts or what they want to accomplish.

And it all boils down to this. We have circumstances that we're living in, right? A lot of times we think it's the circumstances. that are causing us to be where we are. We think it's the circumstances that are giving us the results that we have. But actually, it's our thoughts about the circumstances. And it's our thoughts that drive our feelings.

When we have a thought about a circumstance, it creates a feeling in us. And that feeling is what then drives our actions. And it's our actions that get us the results. So we really need to back it up and take a look at how are we thinking about something? What's our thought about it? What's our dominant thought and our dominant thought sometimes doesn't serve us and then we end up getting the same results which then exacerbates the circumstances and we get in this cycle and we get stuck and so it's about having somebody come along who has the training and the experience and the compassion to have your back help you see those blind spots Help you create those new thoughts and make those shifts so you can start making those desired changes and have those results that you want Or start that healing and over time get better and better and better at that.

How can 

[00:24:32] Angela Kennecke: life coaching help with grief? 

[00:24:35] Lynn Gillette: So with grief, what we do is I help people really take a look at what is their mind doing in regard to the grief. So I'm on a track for certification to be a facilitator, what's called rapid resolution therapy. And what I've really learned that's been helpful to me, I'm not saying it's helpful to everybody, but it's been very helpful to me because sometimes if I know the why behind something, I'm, I'm able to go further in my understanding with that.

So the mind, when someone passes away that we love, the mind and heart want us to stay connected to that person. And the mind wants us to stay connected in the ways that it only knows how. Through talking and touch and being present in the same room and talking on the phone and having that physical connection but when someone passes physically impossible for us to stay connected the same way that we always have and so we can get really really And so what's been helpful for me and the people that I serve is finding the ways to stay or be connected in new ways.

So for instance, I love to ask my brother to give me a sign. Just give me a sign that you are here, that you see how well the girls are doing. And sometimes I'll ask for a specific sign and sometimes I don't. I just ask him for a sign. And this is no joke. Yesterday, You know, the podcast has been on my mind.

It's my first time doing a podcast. Well, you're doing great. Oh, thank you. But here I am sharing about my brother and Annie and the girls. And so I feel a great sense of responsibility to make sure that I honor them and as I also want to honor and help people. And so. I just said to him yesterday, you know, show me a sign that you're with me and, and help me to do a really good job of, of telling our story and also helping others.

And I was in a store and I had just come out of the store and this is no, no kidding. I was walking to my car and there was a car parked and the license plate said four, the number four, auntie. And I was like an aunt of four. I just was like. It just made me smile, and it makes me feel a connection. That's how I choose to stay connected to my brother, and it helps my heart heal.

And that doesn't mean that I don't have those moments of overwhelming grief. I was doing laundry the other day, and I was pulling out one of the girl's clothes out of the dryer, and I pull out one of my brother's shirt, because she likes to sleep in his shirt. And When I pulled the shirt out, I could see him wearing the shirt.

I remember him wearing a shirt and the tears just came and I let them fall and I went into the family room and I just held his shirt and I just kind of curled up and I, I cried and I let those tears out and I honored how I was feeling. It's not about pressing these feelings down whatsoever because Right.

What we resist will persist. 

[00:27:51] Angela Kennecke: Well, and it comes out in different ways. It comes out in the form of disease. It comes out, you know, in all kinds of different ways. So when you do have that, and I agree with you, cause I'll have those moments, I call them waves of grief, right? Where you just see something or you look at something and remember something and it just hits you.

The loss hits you all over again. And I have learned just let myself cry. And sometimes it's just for a couple minutes and then I'm like, okay, I'm okay. Now I can go and do this thing or do that other thing. But I think we all in this culture were told just to move on, to not think about it, talk about it anymore.

Historically, Americans have dealt with grief in this way, and I think that's completely wrong. I'd like to talk about her, and I'm thinking about her holidays, and so I'll talk about her. And sometimes that makes people uncomfortable, but I think it's so important that you don't worry about what other people think or don't worry about what you're supposed to do, but you just feel those 

[00:28:44] Lynn Gillette: feelings.

And I think we've all heard. Or most of us have heard that saying, it's okay to not be okay, and I love the sentiment behind it. It's, it's really about not judging yourself or judging others and, and being able to have those emotions and it's okay to not be okay, but I'm also learning that it's okay to be okay.

It's okay to live and enjoy life because again, both things can be true. I can miss my brother and I can love experiencing milestones with his girls and I had to learn that because I think about one of the milestones and it just, it was really tough and that's when I really started realizing I need to figure out a way that it's okay to be okay and not feel guilt and I had taken his youngest daughter to her first day of school here and she was in fourth grade and it was still cool and okay for her to give me a hug and you know a peck on the cheek at her classroom door and as soon as she got into her classroom I went to turn around to walk back to my car and at that time I was a principal so I, you know, I needed to get to my school.

And all of a sudden I felt this enormous, it was not even a wave. It was a tsunami of complete guilt that this should be my brother. bringing her to school. Not, not me. This should be him getting the hug and the kiss. And, and I was like, Oh my gosh, I could just feel it coming. And I thought I just need to get somewhere private because I could just feel it coming on.

I knew if I could get to the school office, I had a friend who worked in the office and I walked in and she saw me and got up and put her arms around me and I didn't have to say a word. She said to me, you think this should be your brother? And I said, yeah, I do. And I think about our oldest. Her first birthday with us was a monumental birthday.

It was her 16th birthday. And again, the guilt, 

[00:30:43] Angela Kennecke: the missing out what he's missing out on, and you get to enjoy it, right? Yeah. And you feel like you shouldn't enjoy it. And I, I have another mother that I know who lost. A daughter about five years ago and has been so like she just will not allow herself to enjoy anything, right?

It's always she's always sad It's like the funeral is happening every single day and I think that's very unhealthy place but I think part of that is out of guilt like I can't go out and Laugh and have fun if I don't have my if my daughter's dead You know, but I think that you have to continue to live because your loved one would want that.

Your loved one would be glad that you were experiencing these things, right? Absolutely. Just like you would be if you were gone. I mean, if I was gone, I'd want my kids to keep living and enjoying life and fulfill their purpose. But it's really hard. Conflicting emotions are so hard. 

[00:31:34] Lynn Gillette: They are. And that's one of the things that I help people with is, first of all, just even understanding And then eventually accepting that, Oh my gosh, both can be true.

Right. Absolutely both can be true. And when I allowed myself to sink into that new thought of it's okay to be okay, again, it allowed me to show up for the girls in a way. They deserve, they deserve me to be happy and energetic and thinking about them and creating a, a wonderful memory for them. 

[00:32:13] Angela Kennecke: Well, and you are showing them how to live after loss as well.

You're role modeling that for them, and they won't know how to do it if you can't do it. 

[00:32:22] Lynn Gillette: Right. Absolutely. You know, and then we think about, this is the time of year for a lot of holiday traditions. 

[00:32:29] Angela Kennecke: Yeah. It's a hard time of year for anybody who's experienced loss. I think, and I, sometimes I think it's the anticipation leading up to the holidays and that kind of thing, or a birthday or a death date or anniversary, whatever it might be.

[00:32:41] Lynn Gillette: Yeah, absolutely. And one thing I've learned through that too, is with those traditions. We have some options, and one is to, is to choose it. So we choose the tradition, we continue with that tradition, it's something that we carry on. Another option is to change it. Okay, so I, I think just about probably every family has that one relative that when they walk in the door, you know the party now has officially started.

And for us, that was our aunt. She didn't have any kids of her own, we were her kids. When she showed up, Thanksgiving was, all right, the party is on, Christmas, the party is on, Easter, I mean, it just, she was that person for our family. And when she passed away, just, oh gosh, it was 10 days before Thanksgiving, I mean, that was a painful, painful holiday.

So I just posed to the family, I said, hey, what do you, what do you guys think about changing it a bit and changing the location next year? And we all love going up to our in laws cabin, that's our favorite place in the world. And I said, what if we have it at the lake? And everybody was on board and we started having Thanksgiving up there.

And it brought a different energy. It just changing it was okay, giving ourselves permission to change it allowed us to really sink into healing energy and better energy and energy that I know our aunt would want us to have. And then the other option is to cherish it. And say, you know what? That was a special tradition and I think I just want to cherish it and I don't, I don't want to change it and I don't want to choose it.

I just want to cherish it and keep it in my heart forever the way it was. And for our girls, it was Pi Day. So if you were in the world of math and teaching, Pi Day is March 14th. So it's 3. 14 with a million numbers after it. So a lot of schools have Pi Day and it's like, we all love it. Everybody brings Pi to share.

So on Pi Day on March 14th, My brother, who was a phenomenal cook, would make pies for breakfast, pies for lunch, pies for supper. He would, like, I'm talking chicken pot pie, and he would cut out the pie sign and put it on the pie. And the girls absolutely loved that. Of course. What a 

[00:34:53] Angela Kennecke: unique tradition, too.

What a unique thing. Yeah. 

[00:34:57] Lynn Gillette: Isn't that fun? And so, but I asked them, is that a tradition that you want to choose to keep doing here? Or is that something you want to cherish and keep special just between you and your dad? And they chose to just cherish it. So you're not baking 

[00:35:14] Angela Kennecke: pies on pie 

[00:35:15] Lynn Gillette: day then? And you don't want me baking pies.

I love the fact that you just 

[00:35:19] Angela Kennecke: didn't do it. automatically thinking that would be the band aid that they needed, right, for their grief. I love that you gave them the option, and I think so often we don't even give ourselves those options. Or we think we have to do something. Like, as a mom, I think, oh, I better do all these same traditions, you know, for my kids that they're used to, even though I might not feel like it.

because of the loss of Emily and I did start asking them, do you want this or should we do something else? And we've done other things, you know, so yeah, I don't know what the right answers are. I don't know that there are right answers. It's just, and I think, like I said, a lot of time, it's just the anticipation of this important day is the hardest 

[00:36:00] Lynn Gillette: of all.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think too, by us asking our family. It just takes so much pressure off of us as well to know that we don't have to make all the decisions. We don't have to know the answers. All of us are hurting, and all of us are healing. And so how do we want to heal together and keep, keep moving toward that healing?

Are the 

[00:36:25] Angela Kennecke: girls all pretty close with one another because of what they've been through? I would think this shared experience would Well, I don't know, maybe not, but brought 

[00:36:33] Lynn Gillette: them closer to each other. Yeah. It's funny because, you know, we have the typical sibling rivalry stuff. I've never seen such big fights over socks.

Who took my socks? You know? And so they're just typical healthy relationships that sisters have and things that you would expect between, you know, a 16 year old and, you know, an 11 year old. And I mean, just. Their relationships, the dynamics of them two are changing though, just naturally as they get older, I find the two older ones are more and more, I mean they were always close but getting closer and now our third one who's in 8th grade, she's right in that middle, like I've got a 6th grade sister but I have a 10th grade sister and so where do I fit in and, but yet I see her connecting with both.

So, yeah, they're, they're very close. They, they look out for each other, but they also fight and bicker, like typical sisters, you know? And you've got a 

[00:37:32] Angela Kennecke: lot of hormones going through that house right now, too, 

[00:37:35] Lynn Gillette: with four girls. Yeah, I have thanked my husband many times for staying by my side and not walking out on us, and not that he ever would, but it does take a very special person.

It takes a special husband to say. I will help raise your brother's children. I mean, he is amazing. He shows up for them. 

[00:38:02] Angela Kennecke: Well, I have to commend both of you because not everybody would step up and do what you're doing. And I just think that it's wonderful. And I am fascinated by all the changes in the way you've gracefully dealt with them in your own life.

I think we could all learn a little bit from you. Do you have any parting advice for our listeners on just coping with big changes, no matter what they might be? 

[00:38:28] Lynn Gillette: Yeah, I could say advice, but there's so many different pieces of advice out there. So, but what I can share is what I find that works for me and works for the people that I share.

That is just to, when changes are happening, know your purpose for the change because that will help you to stay grounded and it helps you to make informed decisions. So just knowing your purpose and why you're making the change. When I went from being a principal to teaching, nothing made sense on paper.

And people who cared about me very much said, are you sure you want to do this? You're taking a 70, 000 a year pay cut. And you took on four girls, like nothing about that makes sense. Why would you walk away from that income? And, you know, but I had to think about my purpose. My purpose was so that I could show up in the energy that the girl needed me on every level.

And so I knew my purpose and that really helps the change. And then I think also. Not being afraid to try on new thoughts. Sometimes fear of change will be enough to halt us. We're like, Nope, I don't, I'm afraid of the unknown. And that's so normal. It's so normal. But having the courage to try on some new thoughts, to try on some new ideas, and kind of map out what would it look like if I'd made this change?

What could it look like? What could it be? What do I want it to look like? And what needs to happen for it to look like that and to be like that and to feel like that and to sound like that. And I had somebody who had reached out and they had signed on and been accepted to a program, in a graduate program.

And they called and just said, I, I, I don't know if this is what I want to do and I'm feeling like if I quit then I just, I look like I'm a quitter. And I asked her, what do you want life to look like? They had just gotten married, her new husband, what do you want life to look like? What is important to you?

What are your top two or three things? So she shared and I said, would getting a degree in this specific field help you have that? And she said, no, in fact, it kind of gets in the way. And I said, then you know your answer. That's not it. And she said, but then it looks like I'm quitting. And I said, you are not quitting.

You are changing paths because you know your purpose. You know what you want to create. And it just gave her the permission to change paths. And now on a completely different path and so happy and excited and starting her new program. And that's okay 

[00:41:06] Angela Kennecke: because sometimes like your identity can be so tied up in what you do for a living, right?

You're a principal. I was a TV news anchor. That's who I was, you know? And then where is your relevance if that's not who you are anymore? But I think a lot of those are societal expectations. Not the expectations of others, not even our own expectations. And so. I think we have to dig pretty deep to figure out what is our purpose and, and I feel like you feel very strongly.

You have a whole new mission, life coaching and raising these girls, or maybe I should say raising these girls and life coaching. I think it probably comes in that order. And for me, it's running a charity to try to prevent other people from going through what my family's been through. And I just, I can't picture myself doing anything else now, but making that change, it's not faint of heart, 

[00:41:56] Lynn Gillette: that's for sure.

Yeah. There are things in life that are going to happen where you have no other option but to make the change that serves your mission and your purpose. Right. And sometimes 

[00:42:10] Angela Kennecke: we get a little too caught up in, is it practical? Like you mentioned, the pay cut. Not practical. Most of the time it doesn't make a lot of logical sense, but in your heart, if you know it's the right thing to do, you have to follow that, I think.

[00:42:24] Lynn Gillette: Yeah, absolutely. 

[00:42:26] Angela Kennecke: You know, you can still think things out and do some planning. I'm not saying don't do that at all, but 

[00:42:30] Lynn Gillette: yeah, yeah, no, that's 

[00:42:31] Angela Kennecke: important. Yeah. But overall, I think we always kind of know the answer within ourselves if we're really willing to ask it and then hear it. Yeah. Well, I just so appreciate you joining me for this and I'm very blown away by what you've taken out in your life and I think it's wonderful.

Girls are all very lucky to have you and your husband, and I feel horrible for what they've been through, but for everything that they've been through, I mean, geez, they have you, and that is a really big gift. 

[00:43:01] Lynn Gillette: They're doing great. We have each other, so I just want to see them thrive. I want to see them keep thriving.

[00:43:06] Angela Kennecke: And kids can bring a lot of joy to our lives, too, I know. Yes. So, 

[00:43:10] Lynn Gillette: yeah. Yes, absolutely. Thanks, Lynn. Yes, thank you so much, Angela. I appreciate it. Have a great day.

[00:43:22] Angela Kennecke: Thank you for tuning into this episode of Grieving Out Loud. If you found it helpful, please consider leaving a positive review and sharing it with your friends and family. Join us again next week as we welcome Kylie Hansen, who candidly shares her journey battling alcohol addiction, a struggle that began with her very first sips and intensified significantly during her college 

[00:43:46] Lynn Gillette: years.

First time I lived completely like on my own without my mom and my family there to watch and, you know, I hung out with people who told me, you know, it's okay to drink in the morning even. I was drinking. It's 

[00:44:02] Angela Kennecke: an episode full of hope and inspiration you won't want to miss. We'll delve into the world of substance use disorder, touching the lives of nearly 49 million Americans.

Hear how Kylie finally found the support she needed after years of struggling. Thank you again for listening. Until next time, wishing you faith, hope, and courage. This podcast is produced by Casey Wannenberg King and Anna Fye.