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Cows in Stripes and Bowling in the Buff - Weird News

• Barbara & Teja Arboleda • Episode 83

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In weird news, Teja takes us to Japan, where scientists are painting dark stripes on cows to protect them from horsefly bites. It actually worked. Score one for cows in cosplay! Barbara considers zebra-striped onsies to keep her horsefly nemeses at bay.

Barbara's story has us rolling into Pittsburgh, where Balls Out Bowling is a real event hosted by a nudist organization. Between the puns and innuendos, Barbara and Teja express genuine admiration for the confidence it takes to take to the lanes sans clothing, except for the shoes, of course. Hygiene, after all.

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#weirdnews #comedy #cows #bowling

SPEAKER_02:

Why do we have this here?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, this is a paintbrush.

SPEAKER_02:

Clearly, yes, yes. Why why is this here?

SPEAKER_01:

Would you use a paintbrush for anything other than let's say painting a wall or ceiling? Or okay, I mean you could technically use a baby duck. Yes, you would use it for a baby duck.

SPEAKER_02:

And then in those commercials, in the Dawn commercials, they have the little baby duck, and then they like put the Dawn on the Oh, you mean like an oil spill? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

An oil spill or something.

SPEAKER_02:

And then you like, and you could, you know, I mean you can massage them. They might like that. But you could also take a little paintbrush and then you just kind of go, oh, and I push the little Dawn right into there, and like a cute little baby duck. What? Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, you could.

SPEAKER_02:

I could.

SPEAKER_01:

You could. You could actually use it.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. This has got me intrigued.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright, well. So um horse flies.

SPEAKER_02:

I hate horse flies. Oh my god, they take a big chunk out of you. I used to go to my friend's house when I was a kid. She had a pool. And we would go in the pool and hang out by the pool, and at the end of the day, I'd have like just hunks of flesh. Was it really like that many? Or just like there were so many horseflies. No, no, no, there were so many horse flies.

SPEAKER_01:

You used to get like major horsefly bumps?

SPEAKER_02:

I would get multiple horsefly bumps. Yes. Oh, it was awful. These big chunks. I mean, you think mosquitoes are bad, but like horseflies, they like they're like you know how horsefly is big enough to see.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, but horseflies are big enough to see from far away, right? You can see them like on a branch or someone that's just kind of hanging out. Because they're pretty big.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, they are pretty big, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, you you're you're sitting there, you're eating your sandwich, yeah, and you see a horsefly, and you think to yourself, well, that horsefly is far away. I'll take a bite of my sandwich. She'll never be able to get to me in time. I'll notice her coming toward me because it's pretty big.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm not sure that I ever thought that deeply about it.

SPEAKER_01:

Horseflies will will like dive bomb you and take a chunk out and then leave.

SPEAKER_02:

I know. It's like a drive-by kchunk.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, exactly. And it's by. Exactly. It's a happy meal. It's a fly by happy meal.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, it's just, yep, just like the drive-thru.

SPEAKER_01:

Kachunk.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, exactly. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

And they and it's not like they suck the blood out, they take a chunk out.

SPEAKER_02:

So are you saying that we're gonna kill horse flies with this paint person?

SPEAKER_01:

No, what I'm saying is that in Japan, okay, they were doing these tests on cows. Uh they painted stripes on these cows. So uh well, you know how like a lot of cows are like I was gonna say milk cows, dairy cows. Or cows that are white.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Um they are like the best target for horse flies.

SPEAKER_02:

White cows. Well, in specific cows.

SPEAKER_01:

Light skinned cows. I I think you're exempt. Well, no, actually not, because you've been eaten. Maybe that's the story. Maybe you need to be I need to.

SPEAKER_02:

So what did they do? What did they do?

SPEAKER_01:

They they painted these cows stripes. Like zebras. Wait, so Because what they learned is that zebras don't get uh eaten by horseflies as much as other animals that are like large mammals that are lighter skinned or something like that. So So they they painted stripes on these cows. Which deterred the or it had some kind of effect on the horseflies.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

How how how would stripes Well so apparently uh horseflies uh their their vision or like their the way they perceive distance and depth is uh somewhat like ourselves. Okay. The stripes make it confusing to them. So the stripes uh cause them to not understand how to decelerate as they're heading toward their victim.

SPEAKER_02:

So like dive bomb.

SPEAKER_01:

Like dive bomb.

SPEAKER_02:

They just like run into it like a bird flying into a window?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and that ha that's happened several times at our house. A bird will fly into a window. I know, it's terrible.

SPEAKER_02:

But uh yeah, they'll like flies down there going right.

SPEAKER_01:

They'll like they're like in Japanese anime it takes forever.

SPEAKER_03:

Oh and then there's like and then it hits hits the uh the cow and then I have to paint white stripes, uh paint black stripes on yourself?

SPEAKER_00:

The cows.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, but if I don't want to get if I do not want to get eaten by horseflies, yeah, I need to paint myself with black stripes.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

And look like a zebra.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, actually, I should ask first, did it work?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, it does work.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh god.

SPEAKER_01:

Uh, because they did this experiment where they painted one side of the cows, uh-huh, multiple cows, okay, uh, striped white black. Then the other side of the cow, they sprayed on this special anti-mosquito or horsefly spray.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Insect spray.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And uh the stripes work better.

SPEAKER_02:

Worked better?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, only thing is that they start to uh dissolve after several days, especially if it rains. It kind of gets wiped off. So they have to keep spraying.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, but the same thing would happen with the spray too. Like if it rained, the spray would come off, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, yeah, so it comes off, so they have to keep spraying. So they have to painting the cows.

SPEAKER_02:

To to go through this, like, this this cattle ranch in Japan. And there's like a whole this bespoke industry.

SPEAKER_01:

It's like all these artists from Soho, they fly to northern Japan.

SPEAKER_02:

Is that eggshell? Or is that more like uh it's a cream, it's a cream. I like the cream, I like the cream better.

SPEAKER_01:

See, that wouldn't work in Japan. They'd be like, What?

SPEAKER_00:

Hurry up!

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, we have to take our time. Presentation is everything.

SPEAKER_00:

Well, that's true.

SPEAKER_02:

Presentation is everything. So that would take a long time to get through an entire herd of cattle. So, how do they put it into operation?

SPEAKER_01:

No, I don't what would you suggest?

SPEAKER_02:

Pajamas.

SPEAKER_01:

Striped pajamas.

SPEAKER_02:

Little striped pajamas. Little onesie, and and like it's got little stirrup feet down there, and you pull it on over the couch, and you zip it up. You just gotta have a little hole in the hole in the back. Yeah, hole in the back.

SPEAKER_01:

And what about like like pigs and swans?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah! That's our new business. That's our new business. We are gonna make black and white striped pajamas for animals. Move over Jeff Bezos. We are gonna make striped animal pajamas.

SPEAKER_01:

I think Jeff Bezos would probably just sell them on Amazon.

SPEAKER_02:

No, ours are ours are special ones. Ours are the ones that work.

SPEAKER_01:

So these poor cats accept no cheap imitations. The these poor these poor well, yeah, because you have to test it. If the if they still get chunked out by horse flies, clearly it's not working. Or if they if it's dyes worked. Well, it works, but it has to be a certain, you know.

SPEAKER_02:

Certain pattern.

SPEAKER_01:

Certain pattern.

SPEAKER_02:

We will patent the pattern. There will be the cow pattern.

SPEAKER_01:

It's just stripes.

SPEAKER_02:

No, because you said it had to be a certain pattern. I don't know. It's a pattern. Oh, fine.

SPEAKER_01:

You have to test it.

SPEAKER_02:

The goat pattern.

SPEAKER_01:

So you're gonna wear one of the You look like you're supposed to be in jail. But my question is this way. It it you know, um wouldn't it be confusing for let's say if the cows are being striped, the bulls who are standing on the side, they're looking over and they're like, well, that that Well, why wouldn't they stripe the bulls? Where's Mabel?

SPEAKER_02:

Why wouldn't they stripe the bullshit?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't think bulls tend to be eaten by horse flies? No, I don't think they tend to be uh very light colored. Aren't bulls usually like brown?

SPEAKER_02:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. I've never seen a picture of a bull that is what color are bullshit.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, they're a brown one? And that's a fuzzy one.

SPEAKER_01:

White and black polka dots, too. Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

How come well waiting? But that's it's got udders. That's an udder. Wait, what is this? How come bulls are usually so as dark brown and black and white or any reason we don't see bulls on dairy farms?

SPEAKER_00:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

Uh see? But this is Quora. I mean, I don't know how.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, but either way.

SPEAKER_02:

Color bull stock illustration. Oh.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

No. Oh, rainbow colored. So I didn't know bulls came in rainbow colors.

SPEAKER_01:

So what? Anyway, there's the bull standing on the side. Yeah. And the bull is like, um, I don't understand. Like, I I am not into zebras.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, that could be confusing. Right. I can see how that would be confusing. And then the zebras are like, uh Yeah, because a zebra comes by, hey baby. You know, and then wait, what's with the udder? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

This is how they walk too. They go, hey.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Only they don't need pajamas because they already have pajamas.

SPEAKER_01:

The zebras?

SPEAKER_02:

They like have natural zebras.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, they've got natural pajamas natural pajamas. Yes. Natural pajamas. And the other question I had is if you paint these cows enough so that the paint starts to seep into their into their um, you know, under their epidermis and then into their muscle mass. Then once they become steak, it's just like a natural marble Oreo style. So you'll have like black and white striped steak.

SPEAKER_02:

If the paint comes off in the rain, I don't think that it's seeping into the skin, but you could tattoo them.

SPEAKER_01:

Tattoo the cows?

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, tattoo the cows.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, that's a really good idea.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah? Ah, because so now hundreds of thousands of tattoo artists will have work tattooing cows. Oh, yeah, that would take a while.

SPEAKER_01:

Unless they had like tattoo parlor like wraparounds where it just brrrrrrr.

SPEAKER_02:

That would suck to be a cow and get that many tattoos, though. That would suck. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But although you could also make it like zebra stripe and QR code. Then you know, beep. Oh, there's Mabel. Oh, there's Lucy.

SPEAKER_02:

What if some of this like Mabel thing?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know. Mabel the cow.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. Alright, sure.

SPEAKER_01:

As they walk as they walk by.

unknown:

Okay.

SPEAKER_01:

So what weird news do you have? Wow.

SPEAKER_02:

My weird news.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. I'm not I'm not.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh, where was your weird news from?

SPEAKER_01:

Uh, that was uh from CNN.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay. My weird news is from UPI.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. Very different from UTI.

SPEAKER_02:

Very different. Yeah. My Weird News took place in July.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

In Pittsburgh.

SPEAKER_01:

This July.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Where a the Pittsburgh group called the Pittsburgh Area National Naturalists.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay. The Oh naturalists.

SPEAKER_02:

Naturalists.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh.

SPEAKER_02:

Brought back the balls out bowling nude event.

SPEAKER_01:

In Pittsburgh.

SPEAKER_02:

In Pittsburgh.

SPEAKER_01:

They had a nude.

SPEAKER_02:

Nude bowling.

SPEAKER_01:

Nude bowling.

SPEAKER_02:

In Pittsburgh.

SPEAKER_01:

Is this for any particular?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, they're naturalists, so they have a nude display. I mean, was it open to the public? Uh you had to buy tickets.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

So tickets were$30. It is an annual event.

SPEAKER_03:

Wow.

SPEAKER_02:

It is an annual event. And it includes four hours of unlimited bowling, which is actually a good deal.

SPEAKER_01:

That's a pretty good deal.

SPEAKER_02:

For$30. And it includes the shoe rental.

SPEAKER_01:

I would hope so.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

At least you're wearing something.

SPEAKER_02:

But well, I mean, it said the shoes were the only clothing that was not only uh sort of allowed, but also this is actually required.

SPEAKER_01:

Required.

SPEAKER_02:

So this is a reliability thing, I'm sure, for on the part of the bowling alley, but like, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Huh.

SPEAKER_02:

So bowling shoes.

SPEAKER_01:

Bowling shoes?

SPEAKER_02:

Nothing else.

SPEAKER_01:

Nothing else.

SPEAKER_02:

Nothing else.

SPEAKER_01:

Nudity.

SPEAKER_02:

Just nudity. Although it said that bottoms were optional for women, which I guess kind of makes sense because some people might be on that time of the month.

unknown:

Oh.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, so if you're on a date at this, what's it called again? The balls out?

SPEAKER_02:

The balls out bowling event.

SPEAKER_01:

If you're at the balls out bowling event and you're on a date and it doesn't go well. It doesn't sound like you not only will strike out, you'll strike out.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, but does it no wait, no, a strike is a good thing if you're going to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_01:

I know, it's a strike.

SPEAKER_02:

But you're str No, I think that that would just be like you, you that would be gutter balls. That's in the gutter. Gutter balls. Gutter balls at the balls out bowling and you get your balls out of the gutter, son. They did in they do say please bring a towel and a bag for your belongings.

SPEAKER_01:

A towel would be necessary.

SPEAKER_02:

So that's now I understand.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, I wouldn't go to the balls out bowling event.

SPEAKER_02:

You don't know who's been sitting there. Like, do they like clean it?

SPEAKER_01:

What if like Does it say clean towel or does it say just bring the towel?

SPEAKER_02:

But it can, you know.

SPEAKER_01:

But because you don't know where the seats have been and if the shoes have to be sprayed disinfected, you'd think that they would also clean the chairs.

unknown:

I know.

SPEAKER_01:

And the balls.

SPEAKER_02:

What if people are moving their eyes?

SPEAKER_01:

They would have to disinfect the balls as well.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, you're not sitting on the ball.

SPEAKER_01:

When you're grabbing the balls and you put you stick your fingers in the balls.

SPEAKER_02:

What balls are you talking about?

SPEAKER_01:

They should be disinfected. Like everything else. Disinfect.

SPEAKER_02:

Do they disinfect bowling balls?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know the answer to that question. Well, they probably polish them. But I don't know if they disinfect. Why do you have three of them?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh. Uh. Um which ones go together?

SPEAKER_01:

Well, clearly, this one looks like it's irritated.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, it could be. Yeah. All right. You know, it's this one's got a tattoo. Inflammation. Yeah. Yeah. I get oh, okay, so we're gonna keep the tattoo here and get rid of inflammation.

SPEAKER_01:

It has a lump on. Oh, oh, well, that's not good.

SPEAKER_02:

Get that checked, okay. All right. So yes. Do people get confused at all?

SPEAKER_01:

By what?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, because you got balls and you've got balls, and then you get confused. You're just grabbing balls and shoots them down the alley.

SPEAKER_01:

There is a we're all adults here.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. Sort of.

SPEAKER_01:

People have their people have yeah, I know we're acting like children. But people have their balls. So people have their um particular weight of balls that they go for. And the position of their fingers is very particular. Like if you have small hands but a thick thumb.

SPEAKER_00:

I cannot wait to see what you're doing with this. You gotta well no, you've gotta choose very, very carefully. Otherwise, it gets stuck.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm not even nope.

SPEAKER_00:

I'm insane!

SPEAKER_02:

So uh all of the participants needed to be nope, I'm just saying nope, 18 years or older, and no photos or videos were allowed, and no sexual activity was permitted.

SPEAKER_01:

That's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02:

Because they're naturalists, not like a yeah, okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I'm not the best at bowling, but that's what I'm guessing needs to get done.

SPEAKER_02:

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01:

Yes.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. So who's keeping score anyway?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, well, I'm I'm sure that you would keep store score in the normal manner.

SPEAKER_01:

The normal manner.

SPEAKER_02:

But it's just that nobody can score during the event. Because so you can score, but you can't score. That is just a good thing. So you can score the game, you cannot score. Okay. There we go, right? All right. After the event. After the event. After the event, you could.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Um.

SPEAKER_02:

But now at least I understand why a towel was was an absolute necessity in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. What they didn't tell us was that everybody was naked.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, I've never read Hitchhiker's Galaxy.

SPEAKER_02:

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

SPEAKER_01:

I've never read Hitchhiker's Guide Guide to the Galaxy. Never read it. Never seen the movie. This is a movie, right? Never seen. I know, I know that I'm I'm a I'm an I'm a geek and I'm a nerd, and there are many things that I have.

SPEAKER_02:

Oh this is not acceptable.

SPEAKER_01:

It's just one thing I have in No. Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Okay, here's what we're doing. Okay, we can fix this. We can fix this. All right. Here's what you're gonna do. You are going to make sure that your library card is up to date.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

And then you're gonna download the Libby app and sign in.

SPEAKER_00:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

Because I am certain that the Dead and Public Library has an audio version. An audio version that you can listen to at the gym because I know you don't have time to read as much as you would like, which is a travesty, but nonetheless, then you will you must consume this book. You must. It's a necessity.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, all right. I mean, I feel that it does have an impact on um our marriage and our relationship. And I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I'm not now that I know I'm not sure I can stay with you if you have this book because something I was prepared to hear. No, yeah. I mean, this is like this, that's that's a that's a deal breaker.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, I wish you had would have brought that up on the night of our marriage.

SPEAKER_02:

How did I not think to ask that before we got married?

SPEAKER_01:

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02:

Why was this not on did you not see it on my required reading list?

SPEAKER_01:

I didn't know there was a required reading list. What else? What else is on the list? What else is on the list?

SPEAKER_02:

Wow.

SPEAKER_01:

What else is on the list?

SPEAKER_00:

You don't even remember. I'm just making that up. I know you.

SPEAKER_02:

I am making it up.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, anyway, I will not be going to a balls out naked bowling event.

SPEAKER_02:

Although I do have respect for people who can just in being themselves and being true to themselves, that that they can be naked in public.

SPEAKER_01:

For$30.

SPEAKER_02:

For$30. Well, if they're part of a nudist society, something tells me they probably have multiple events over the year.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow, do they have grants? Like, you know, I can't go this year because I can't, you know, I can't afford, you know, I had to buy a new car and I can't and are they are you naked in your car too? No, it says the bowling event. It doesn't say the driver. Or what if you're in a lift or an away?

SPEAKER_02:

Oh. I think clothes are required for to get there. You mmm, yeah. No, I think I think you need that.

SPEAKER_01:

Do they judge you as you enter? I hope not. That's not gonna do.

SPEAKER_02:

No, because they said they said that's a distraction. It's an all body, it says all genders, sexualities, and bodies are welcomed.

SPEAKER_01:

I would hope so.

SPEAKER_02:

So, yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay.

SPEAKER_02:

So it's all good.

SPEAKER_01:

Alright, well, kudos to them.

SPEAKER_02:

Mm-hmm. Yes.

SPEAKER_01:

And if they're striped black and white, that's also you know?

SPEAKER_02:

That would be a whole other that would be a whole other level.

SPEAKER_01:

It would keep them from being eaten by horse flies that might get into the bowling alley.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_01:

It all ties in. Yes. All ties in.

SPEAKER_02:

Everything ties in eventually.

SPEAKER_01:

Mm-hmm. I'm painting. I'm painting.