"Want to go to the concert next weekend?" "Hey let's go to dinner". " Happy Birthday, here's a trip to Hawaii." In life we can all find ourselves financially at different places than others, including friends and family. This can cause anxiety and feelings of inadequacy because we may not be able to afford the same things as our friends or family. The holidays, birthdays, weddings, you name it, we all will go through this situation on one side or the other at some point, maybe even both? This week the gang discuss how to handle those situations and how it doesn't make you who you are based on what you can and can't afford at given times.
"Want to go to the concert next weekend?" "Hey let's go to dinner". " Happy Birthday, here's a trip to Hawaii." In life we can all find ourselves financially at different places than others, including friends and family. This can cause anxiety and feelings of inadequacy because we may not be able to afford the same things as our friends or family. The holidays, birthdays, weddings, you name it, we all will go through this situation on one side or the other at some point, maybe even both? This week the gang discuss how to handle those situations and how it doesn't make you who you are based on what you can and can't afford at given times.
Welcome To Talk Wealth, to me, a safe space podcast, where we chat about anything and everything related to personal finance. The information contained in this podcast is for educational and entertainment purposes. Only. It does not constitute as accounting, legal tax or other professional advice.
Felipe Arevalo:All right, Morning Chase. How's it going?
Chase Peckham:Good, buddy. How are you?
Felipe Arevalo:Doing good. Doing good. So Sarah was watching Friends, re-runs as she sometimes does when she can't sleep and
Chase Peckham:Shut up, you are going to mention what I literally saw the other day because my kids watch friends so much
Felipe Arevalo:And it, there was an episode. Uh, I had to look it up. I didn't know this off the top of my head, but it was in season two. Uh, it was the fifth episode of the seasons of the fifth episode of the second season. And it was titled the one with five steaks and an eggplant. And it's when they're planning a birthday party and all of a sudden money becomes an issue because you know, it's important to take into account. Do you make more money? Do you make less money than your friends and family? And you know, how does one navigate those waters?
Chase Peckham:That is so funny. You mentioned that because yes, if you are a friend of a friend, if you are a fan of Friends, uh, you don't remember that it was at the time Ross and Ross and Chandler and Monica all had jobs and were doing pretty well. And they were going to go, they wanted to go do something at some concert and they were going to do some big thing for a birthday party. Right. And it was at the time Joey being the struggling actor, Rachel, who was working at a coffee shop at the time. She's not, she's not in her world of fashion yet. And Phoebe.
Felipe Arevalo:Was doing her own thing.
Chase Peckham:I don't even know, I don't know what she was doing at the time, but this was before she became a massage therapist, they all realized that they don't have the money to do those things. And they had the conversation. So it was like the three and they didn't know how to tell their friends that they felt uncomfortable, that they couldn't do something.
Felipe Arevalo:Right.
Chase Peckham:And it's so funny. And it's such a great, it was a great lesson with my kids watching that because there's so many times in their life where their friends or going out and going on vacations and doing things that they can't do. And they don't understand why, but that is so common with so many people.
Felipe Arevalo:Right.
Chase Peckham:That run into like, maybe it's a family member or maybe it's you, that makes more money than the rest of your family. And so you feel uncomfortable about talking about the places you went or the things that you own, or you don't want to, you know, show people your apartment because they might say, oh, well, look at that a, I mean, it can be a very uncomfortable thing, but should you be
Felipe Arevalo:Right? It, you know, and, and how do you navigate that? You know, because there's, you can't do anything about it. And this is your family. These are your friends and you make the money that you make. You're in the financial situation that you're in, whether you make more, they make more. And I think, honestly, it comes down to, I know we might sound like a broken record at this point, but it's communication and it's being honest. You know, this is your family, these are your friends. And, and these are the people that you should be able to be the most honest with, you know, especially if you're the one on the budget, talk to them and say, Hey, look, you know what? I'm trying to accomplish this. I'm trying to be mindful of my budget. And that's just not, that's just, I can't do that right now. I can't go on that trip. You know, it's something where it's my favorite, a little GIF on, on Twitter is one of my favorites is whereas like, I'll have a salad, a side salad, with a side of what? just put it right into the next to the water. And it's something where maybe, maybe you do, if you go out to eat, maybe you eat beforehand and you just get yourself an appetizer. You can still be part of the fun, but you don't buy a full on meal, you know, and, and, and get creative with it that way. But it's important to have that conversation or be open to an understanding of your friends and family, if you're the one making more money and just realize that, you know, it may be a hard conversation for them to have with you.
Chase Peckham:Yeah. And that, I mean, finances is something that most people don't talk about. I mean, 47%, uh, there's an article on CNBC that I was reading not too long ago, uh, that it was just out number of months ago. Uh, but it's, uh, nearly half of Americans, 47% struggled to discuss finances with their loved ones and or friends and a, in a 2019 Lincoln financial survey is where this was from. I mean, believe it or not, that is behind sex, illness, death. I mean, politics. I mean, that's crazy. Right,
Felipe Arevalo:Right.
Chase Peckham:Yet. And then you talk about, I mean, that's just with families. Imagine that's not something you really want to discuss with friends either. And I'll be honest. I mean, that's something that Kerri and I have run into, uh, in, in, in a number of years, we live in a nicer area of San Diego. Um, you know, we chose to live here. We live in a modest house. I mean, it's not anything to write home about. Um, we do pretty well. I mean, I work for a nonprofit, but we do pretty well, but compared to some friends of ours, we don't make anything and they can do and come with some really grand ideas for vacations and those kinds of things. And we have to be able to say, no, and it's not easy because you want to say, yes, you want to go places. You want to go hang out with these people. And they're not, you know, coming up with these plans because they want to make you feel bad. It's just,
Felipe Arevalo:That's just what they came up with.
Chase Peckham:they're in a different world that's right. And it's not right or wrong. It's not bad. It's and we don't feel bad. We just have to, every once in a while say, you know, we don't have that. And that, you know, what's funny is they're SU so understanding,
Felipe Arevalo:Right? And they're your friends for a reason.
Chase Peckham:Yeah.
Felipe Arevalo:You should be able to go and, you know, guys, I can't do that kind of golf weekend right now. Now you guys go have fun. I can't join. You know, and, and it's something where you should be able to have that conversation and, you know, and they should be understanding of it. And not think anyone, either side should feel bad about it. As long as you can have an open line of communication.
Chase Peckham:That's right. And if those are your close friends, you mean, you just gotta be honest and you don't need to shove it down their throat either and make them feel like, well, it's, you know, you guys are wasting your money by doing that just because you can afford to do it. You sh you know, doesn't mean you should, you know, I've got people that I know that are like that, but really that's their own insecurities.
Felipe Arevalo:Right.
Chase Peckham:That's their own. I don't have it. So you shouldn't do it either. It's not, it shouldn't be right for you. And that's not right either. Right.
Felipe Arevalo:Correct. Yeah.
Chase Peckham:Everybody's in their own situation. Uh, and you just have to understand what makes you feel comfortable and what doesn't, but just because somebody else has an opportunity to do something, you know, it's okay to say, no, it just, it is. I mean, and that might not be fun, but you can, you know, you don't have to give them this big, long diatribe of why and exactly what your budget is and why you can't afford it and all that kind of stuff. You can just say that this doesn't work for us right now. We've got other things that we've got to do.
Felipe Arevalo:Yeah.
Chase Peckham:And, and that's just, if they're good friends, they're going to understand.
Felipe Arevalo:Yeah. And depending on where you fall in, in your, your circle of friends, you might have people on either side of you have the people where you.
Chase Peckham:Yeah.
Felipe Arevalo:Have to say, yeah, I can't do that. And then also have the people where you have to be the understanding and when they let you know, like, yeah, I just can't do that right now. Okay. I understand that because I had to tell that other my other friend, that we can do that either. So it's something where you have to be understanding on both sides and you might find within a week's period, you're having to say no to someone. And someone's having to say no to you because, you know, it's all a very, uh, everyone's got their own financial goals. Everyone's got their own budgets and everybody's got their own things going on where, you know, expenses change. And maybe they could do this with you last time. And they can't now, or maybe you, you got this expense coming up and you just can't do that. Any at the moment.
Chase Peckham:Or Circumstances have changed.
Felipe Arevalo:Yeah, circumstances changed. Right.
Chase Peckham:You know, a plan has changed. Know, maybe there's an illness in the family, God forbid. And now you have medical bills. You're not, you weren't expecting, obviously right there, there are.
Felipe Arevalo:Or you have a, an offer accepted on a house. All of a sudden when you thought you were going to be searching for months.
Chase Peckham:Right.
Felipe Arevalo:And it's like, that's a game changer. I can't go do that anymore.
Chase Peckham:Right. I'm going to eat that frozen chicken in the freezer. That's been there for a long time.
Felipe Arevalo:Yeah. I'm going to clear out this freezer and it's something where, you know, a month ago, maybe it was like, yeah, let's do it. And then maybe not so much anymore. And, and it changes. And you know, a month from now, it can change the other way around. And it's just a very fluid, but it's important. These are your friends, this is your family. And these are the people that you should be able to have an open conversation. And like you said, you don't have to pull out your budget and Hey, let me show you my Mint account real quick.
Chase Peckham:Right.
Felipe Arevalo:But it's something where, you know, you could just say, you know what? I think financially right now we have, uh, other things we're working on
Chase Peckham:And this can come into play quite a bit. And we hear this a lot, but like during the holidays or birthdays or things, when gifts come into, you know, into the zeitgeists where, you know, somebody might be, they they're just really big gift givers they can afford to do so. And they want to give everybody in the family, you know, a cool gift and there's going to be others that we just can't afford to do that to the entire family or to, to all those people. And so you have to come up with a plan like a, uh, w what is it? The white elephant type.
Felipe Arevalo:Secret Santa.
Chase Peckham:Secret Santa.
Felipe Arevalo:Put a budget on it.
Chase Peckham:And because you don't want to show somebody else up either, and, you know, you don't want it to be well, uncle Mike has, you know, a lot of money. So, you know, I know I'm going to get a great gift from him and, you know, mom and dad, aren't going to give me, I mean, that can be tough if you're uncle Mike, you've got to kind of try to look at it and go be understanding,
Felipe Arevalo:Right. Have you ever watched the movie four Christmas? Just reminded me of it.
Chase Peckham:Four Christmases?
Felipe Arevalo:Four Christmases.
Chase Peckham:I have not.
Felipe Arevalo:Uh, it's, I'll have to look up to the, the Owen Wilson. I don't know. I'll have to look it up. Uh, but it's a movie about, and, and there's a scene in there where he goes to the avoid Christmas usually. And then all of a sudden weather delay, they get stuck having to go to Christmases instead of, you know, they're made up travel plans and, and they, he ends up at his parents and brothers house and he forgot, they forgot the main characters. Um, didn't realize there's a cap on the spending for the gifts. And then it makes, it puts them in a situation where it's like, oh, you got an Xbox for 10 bucks and completely missed that part of the, and it's just, you mentioned gifts. Yeah. Or put a cap on it and say, you know, let's all try and spend$20 this year on gifts. And that way, you know, he lets people get creative and everyone gets kind of something similar. Uh, and it's something where, you know, it could be fun. Everyone still gets something, but no one gets feel like they got showed up.
Chase Peckham:Right, yeah and it's such an interesting dynamic, but it's just, it's, it's, it's just understanding, uh, that movie by the way, was with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn.
Felipe Arevalo:That's who it is.
Chase Peckham:There's a really good cast in that movie. And there's, uh, there's some really good ones. Robert Mary's team urgent sissy Spacek John Fabro. Good. Golly. There's Kristen Chenowith. Tim Tim McGraw?
Felipe Arevalo:Oh yes Tim McGraw is in it.
Chase Peckham:Oh my God. John void. I mean, that's a big cast. That's I need to go watch that movie.
Felipe Arevalo:You should. It's pretty funny. Uh, came out a while ago. I think like, 08,
Chase Peckham:It did.
Felipe Arevalo:it looks like. Yeah, but it's funny because you know, they, they experiencing that money thing where he goes to his family's house and they're not doing as well off as, you know, as they are. And, you know, all of a sudden there's that imbalance and, and that can happen in the holidays. And with multiple families,
Chase Peckham:Right. That's society that we live in and there's going to be haves and have nots, and there's going to be middle of the road. And we're all going to be in different situations. And that doesn't, you know, that, that doesn't necessarily, that doesn't make everything great. Not all of us do. We all want to be exactly the same. I just, I don't know. It just, it doesn't work that way, but when it comes to family and it comes to friends and those kinds of things being understanding and communicating is it, it's not like everybody needs to get the same gift. Right. But at least they're in the, in the same financial atmosphere and they, those kinds of things can be a lot of fun too. And it doesn't make other people feel like they just like they can't contribute.
Felipe Arevalo:Right. And it's something where, you know, if, if you know that if you have that conversation, that open conversation with, uh, you know, your friends and family, it could be something where in the future, they may, uh, you know, they may still go on their Hawaii vacation or something, but they may also plan a weekend road trip where you might be able to participate in where the expense is going to be less where, you know, they could be like, yeah, you know, we haven't done something with such and such for awhile. you know. Maybe we should do. Maybe we should have him over for barbecue. Maybe we should go to a park. And at least now it's not like, well, you know, I keep asking them to do things and they don't ever want to do anything. They must not want to hang out. And that might not be the case. It just might be that I just can't go spend the money that you're spending at the moment type of thing. Uh, but if you have that open communication, now, it's like, okay, I know that they didn't go because you know, this is pretty expensive trip. Uh, and it's something where, you know, it's, it, it comes down to communication. And, and luckily in this case, you're trying to communicate with your family and your friends. This is about as easy as it gets to, to try and have an open line of communication. You know, you're not gonna find any easier people to talk to you, but help than the people you love and trust the most.
Chase Peckham:Yeah. I, I think you you're, you hit it right on the head there. Uh, that's. It can be a difficult, it can be difficult conversation, but worth it. Hold on. I'm going to pause this for a second. All right. Uh, Kerri was just, I, sorry, lost my train of thought. Cause I probably didn't say much at all there. Did I?
Felipe Arevalo:It was Okay. Um, okay.
Chase Peckham:Pick it up from there. Oh, I didn't hit it. Oh, okay. I'm going to have to remind myself that I need to edit that. Jeez. All right. All right, go ahead.
Felipe Arevalo:Yeah. So I think it comes down to knowing your budget and remembering your budget when making decisions. It's something where you have to be honest with yourself first and foremost, and that might be harder than anything else. And then, you know, and then you gotta be honest with those around you.
Chase Peckham:Yeah. And I think a lot of it too, that people will get into is they'll get into a funk about it. Like they can take it personally and, you know, they'll, they'll, they can be like, well, I don't make as much money. And, and so, uh, I'm going to let them know that, that, that we shouldn't do that because it makes other people feel stupid. And I don't know if it's, that's the way to go about it either. And on the other end, it's like, well, forget them. You know, I have the means to buy some people cool stuff. So I'm going to anyway, I think it's just that, that opportunity to sit down and really have a discussion about what it is that your thoughts are and come to a, a good understanding and understand that, you know, everybody that can change year to year,
Felipe Arevalo:Right. Yeah, absolutely. And it's something where we can change and you could be on both sides of the spectrum. As I mentioned at any given time, you know, having to tell some people, I, I can't do that. And then having other people tell you, I don't know if you've ever noticed, I think we've talked about it before. We're so much more forgiving towards other people. So you might be sitting there and your friend tells you, you know, I don't think that's in my budget right now. It's like, oh, it's okay. Don't worry about it. Yeah. And really mean it and be like, don't worry. I completely understand. And then also be sitting there, like how in the world am I going to tell them that I can't afford that? How can I not, that's uncomfortable. You just told your friend who was a hundred percent. Okay. Why is it not okay for you to do it as well? You know, and I think oftentimes we're, we're a lot more critical of ourselves than we are of our loved ones. And it's important to not saying, go be more critical of your loved ones. I'm saying be easier on yourself. You know, if it's okay for someone to tell you, you know, that's just not in my budget, then it's 100% okay for you to tell someone else, you know, that was just not in my budget.
Chase Peckham:Right.
Felipe Arevalo:It works both ways. Yeah.
Chase Peckham:And I think there's, there's good ways to go about saying it. And then there's the ways that can be, uh, um, that they can be, uh, thoughtful and a nice way to go about saying it. You don't have to be like, oh, okay, well I'm poor and I don't have the money. And so, you know, okay. Money bags, that's probably not the best way to handle it. Right, right. Uh it's. It can be just as simple as, um, we're not, we're not at that point right now. And, you know, we can't afford to have a$30 gift. Um, but maybe 20. Oh, okay. Sure. That sounds good. You know, you can do a lot, you can go about that way or, you know, maybe, you know, instead of going, uh, if, if everybody wants to go to Mexico, man, that would be really fun, but you know, why don't we all, are you guys go ahead and do that. That'll be fun, but let's, let's plan on going on a trip to big bear or something like that. One of these times, you know, it's a little bit more in your, in your, so it's just a matter of how you handle the conversation
Felipe Arevalo:100% and, and, and having the conversation in general, just getting,
Chase Peckham:because don't get Yourself into debt because you don't want to have the, you don't want to face that. And we all run into that. Believe me, right. I've said yes to vacations. And I went, oh man, maybe we shouldn't. And I've actually pulled out, you know, afterwards and said, you know, the more we looked at it and that was hard, hard already saying yes. And then, you know, especially that, that happens usually when you're together as a group and they, something a really good idea comes up after a few libations and the whole group sensors. So in, and then somebody brings it up, you know, the, what the Monday after, and they go, Hey, I'm looking into airline tickets and you're like, oh shoot.
Felipe Arevalo:Yeah. Or then you start really great. And then you start looking at the prices and you're like, oh, this is adding up real quick.
Chase Peckham:Right. Exactly. And that's, you know, you're gonna, you have to be honest with yourself and then just, you know, you don't have to get into specifics, but you can just say, you know, after looking at it, that might be a little bit tight for us. Yeah. And it can be as simple as that, you don't have to get it into, you know, any kind of, you know, big, old, long diatribe, but you know, then there's a different discussion, right. Then there's how do you handle when, you know, when this could be a whole different podcast, but when you have family members that are asking for money, because they're struggling, I mean, and that probably should be its own podcast.
Felipe Arevalo:We should do that one coming up.
Chase Peckham:Cause it's hard. I mean that, those are hard conversations to have, you know, at what point are you helping out? and what point are you just contributing to behaviors?
Felipe Arevalo:Right.
Chase Peckham:Well, bottom line, you know, don't be afraid to have the conversation, but don't feel like that you need to keep up with the Jones'. And I know that's an old term, uh, that we used to use a long time ago, but you know, It's, you know, most people are understanding and.
Felipe Arevalo:agreed.
Chase Peckham:They're gonna understand that. Not everybody it's, it's not in everybody's budget to do those things. And you shouldn't feel guilty because you can't, or shouldn't feel guilty because you can't one way or the other. Again, if you like this podcast, if you, if you like, please download a subscribed to us, uh, give us other ideas. If there are things that you want us to talk about, or if there are things that you have on your mind, let us know, and you can find us at info@sdflc.org. Uh, you can leave it online just on our, on our different Instagrams Facebook[inaudible].