How to Build a Marriage That Lasts | Ken McIntyre

Love is powerful, but without wisdom it can fall apart. In this message, Pastor Ken walks through four biblical laws from Song of Songs that help build a love that actually lasts.

God didn’t design marriage as a contract built on convenience, but as a covenant built on commitment. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or healing from the past, this message points to a love shaped by God’s design and ultimately fulfilled in Jesus.

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Transcript

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- Hey, this is Phil Kal, lead pastor at Hope City Church. Thanks for tuning into our podcast. My prayer is that this helps and encourages you, gives you some practical ways to live out your faith, and ultimately fills you with hope. Enjoy the message.- Today, we are starting a short but important talk on love, marriage, and sex. I love talking about this sort of thing in church, especially . Uh, I think church is the best place to talk about it. You know, we don't think about this very often, but we are always being discipled, meaning our hearts and our minds are always being formed. Uh, and if the church doesn't form us on these things, then culture will and done God's way. Love marriage, and sex really can be the greatest joy on earth. Second only to relationship with God through Jesus Christ. But maybe your experience has been far from that with relationships. Maybe your marriage now is painful or your relationship is barely hanging on. Or maybe you've walked through a divorce and you're carrying the weight of what didn't work. Just as we start this series, you need to know that God loves you and there is hope, and he wants to heal what has been wounded and that you can trust that his design is still good even if your experience has not been. Now, if you are dating and you are wanting to get married, know this, uh, this series is going to help you become the one, become the one before you find the one. Because if you are not the right person and then you find the right person, you are going to lose the right person. And if you're single and content know this, that this series is gonna help you understand that the love of Christ shapes every relationship that we enter into, not just romantic ones. Now, if you're new to church or unfamiliar with the Bible, some of what I'm gonna be say today is going to be a little jarring. Okay? , be forewarned, uh, at Hope City, we unashamedly preach the Bible and we just trust God with the results. And here's what I know. The Bible can be offensive, not because it's wrong, but because it confronts us, especially in the area of love and sex, because of the unmistakably wide gap between what scripture teaches and what culture teaches. Now, marriage is on decline depending on what study that you cite. First time marriage rates, rates are down between 40 and 60%, uh, compared to 50 years ago. It's like, what's going on? It's not that marriage has stopped working, it's declining because we've forgotten what marriage is about in the first place. It's not uncommon for people to describe marriage like this and just say, well, it's nothing but a piece of paper. Meaning marriage is just a formality and you don't need anyone, especially a piece of paper to tell you that you're committed to someone. This underlying idea is that marriage is made up, it's manmade, and if people made it up, people are free to remake it as they please. Now, that idea is nested under something larger called the social contract theory. Social contract theory is something that we hold to that we don't know, we hold to. It believes that human beings exist primarily, and firstly as autonomous individuals. And every other relationship that we have is for number one, our benefit and by our choice. So think about for a moment, a cell phone contract. When you are shopping for a phone, you search all the different providers and you find one that has a deal or a plan that works for you, and you sign on the dotted line, write a contract. However, as soon as there's a better plan or that provider isn't providing the services you thought they would, you let go of them and you find something new. That logic makes sense when it comes to cell phones, but it fails catastrophically as an ethic for marriage. The Bible starts at a totally different point than our culture does. In scripture, God establishes four institutions, marriage, family, the church and the state. There are other good institutions that God did not ordain, and he doesn't tell us exactly how to run 'em. Think of schools or hospitals. There's freedom to run those institutions according to the broader wisdom that God gives us. But marriage is not one of those things. God did not leave it up to human ingenuity or creativity. He brought it into being and he defined it, which means marriage existed before any government. God bless our government. Sincerely, we're told to pray for our elected leaders. That is a tough job. They on a big load, we pray for them. But marriage existed before government. So they do not have the right to define what marriage is. And neither do we. Neither do we. Marriage is something that God created and we are invited into. And what he invites us into is not a contract. He invites us into a covenant. In a contract, you pledge your services. In a covenant, you pledge yourself. And so if you're gonna get married, you better understand the terms of the covenant. Now, can two people who are not Christian have a healthy marriage? A hundred percent they can because they are unknowingly living out their marriage according to God's design. Romans one tells us that God has woven his truth into the fabric of reality. So you can think about it this way. Someone can enjoy and be refreshed by the water from a stream without knowing what the source is. Likewise, people can enjoy and be refreshed from a healthy marriage without knowing the source of the principles, but it's better to know the source. And so that's where we're gonna go. We're gonna go to the Bible in the Old Testament, the Book of Song of Songs. It also could be called Song of Solomon, either name. Now, if you have never read Song of Songs and you decide I'm gonna go home and read this book, it is, it's weird, bro. Like it is. It's a strange book. And it's not strange because you know, it's not strange just trying to be strange. It's Hebrew love poetry. So unless you are accustomed to reading Hebrew love poetry, you're gonna be like, what is this? It doesn't read like any other book in the Bible. Now it's classified as wisdom literature alongside Proverbs and Job and Ecclesiastes. So think of it this way, if Job brings meaning to suffering and Ecclesiastes brings meaning to meaning, then uh, then Song of Som brings meaning and wisdom to love. And that's what we need more than anything. Wisdom when it comes to love.'cause love is complicated because the opposite sex is complicated. And you throw in passion and you throw in emotion and you throw in romance. And it is exciting, but it is dangerous. And maybe you know that. And so that's why God has given us this book to give us wisdom on love. Now, song of Songs is exactly what it sounds like. It's a song between a man and a woman. And occasionally the woman's friends chime in and give their opinion. Okay? So the Bible reflects life, right? That's what, that's what the book is composed of. Now it reads like a duet. The woman speaks, the man responds, and it just goes back and forth throughout the whole book. It's been noted that the woman speaks twice as much as the man in the book because the Bible reflects life as it is . Uh, ladies, if you're offended by that, just hold on. I'm gonna offend the men in just a second and we can all be offended together. Okay, so here's what I wanna do today. I I wanna walk through the first chapter of Psalm Solomon and pull out four laws for a love that lasts.'cause that's what we want. We want a love that lasts. We don't want a love that burns bright and flames out. And we don't want a marriage that lasts, that goes a distance, but lacks flame that lacks love. We wanna love that lasts. So I'm gonna draw out four laws for love that lasts from the wisdom of Song of Songs. Now, this is not gonna be comprehensive, meaning I'm not going to cover the span of God's wisdom when it comes to love in marriage. But I do believe that out of these four laws, God would just put his finger on one of those for you today, saying pay attention to that. This one's for you. So let's start Chapter one, verse one. It's only four words long says this Solomon's Song of Songs. This book is attributed to King Solomon, a man whose wisdom is legendary, not just in Israel, but in the ancient near East and among other things, Solomon was a songwriter. We hear this in, in One Kings four. He Solomon spoke 3000 proverbs and his songs numbered 1,005. Taylor Swift has written about 250 songs, uh, Bob Dylan, north of 600, Solomon 1,005. And this is his song of songs. It's a superlative meaning, uh, song of songs can be translated as the greatest song of all time. Maybe you're familiar with other superlatives in the Bible. Lord of Lords, king of Kings, God has determined that this song of Solomon's is his song of Songs, meaning out of all 1005 songs that Solomon wrote, this particular one about love and sex and intimacy, God's like, that's it. That's the best work. That's what I'm going to have guide the church for the rest of history. So this is it. Law number one, your spouse is number one, your spouse is number one. Your marriage is your highest earthly calling. Your first and most ultimate allegiance is to Jesus Christ. But short of that, there is no other relationship that carries a priority. The weight and the depth of marriage in Genesis one, God creates everything and he calls it good over and over. Good, good, good. But there is only one thing before sin entered the world. One thing that is not good, it's that man was alone. So in God's kindness, he gives the first man a person, a wife, and listen to what happens in this relationship says this. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. That phrase, one flesh is doing a lot of work, a lot of heavy lifting. There is no other relationship on earth that is described like that. You do not become one with anything or anyone else. And so men, you do not become one with your work. You do not become one with your hobbies. You do not become one with your sports team. Women, you do not become one with your children or one with your friends or one with your home. The first law for love that lasts is that if you place any earthly thing above your spouse, you are violating the terms of the marriage covenant to when your kids get all of your patience and your spouse doesn't get any. It's when your work gets the best you, when your hobbies get your most intense passion. When your phone gets your focused attention, when your boss always gets your best, yes. And your spouse gets whatever is left over at the end of the day, this all violates the covenant for love that lasts. Your spouse gets your greatest patience, your most intense passion, your focused attention, and your best. Yes. So the question is this, does your spouse get the best of you or do they get what's left of you? Law number one, your spouse is number one, onward to verse two. This is the woman speaking. She says this pleasing is the fragrance. Oh, sorry, verse two, let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth. For your love is more delightful than wine. That's the most G-rated thing we're gonna read in this, in this bible or in this book, , if you've read it before you know what's coming. Okay? So law number two is this. You are a physical blessing to one another. Okay? Okay, we're talking, we're talking tongues and laying on of hands. Okay? This is what we're talking about right now, not the Pentecostal version. . Next week, pastor Phil is gonna cover sex and intimacy. So I'm not gonna camp here long today, but I will say this, sex is a good gift from God to be enjoyed in the unique and sacred relationship between a man and a wife. And if physical intimacy is neglected, if it's avoided, if it's treated casually, then your marriage will not be the blessing to you that God intended it to be. Women never use intimacy as a leverage, as a reward, or as a bargaining chip. Okay? Play offense, not just defense men. You can be a physical blessing to your wife in more ways than just sex. You can hold her hand, you can hug her in the morning. I interviewed a couple who's been married for 60, almost 63 years in our church. I've been married for 16. And so I thought I could probably learn something. And it was an awesome phone call that I was able to have with him. And I asked them, what are your laws for love that lasts? And their laws lined up with, um, the book of Song of Solomon. But one thing that they said right off the top was, we hug each other every morning for 63 years, their physical blessing to one another. Now men, I'm speaking to you men as a man, okay? Now this is gonna apply, uh, in cases to women as well, but I'm speaking as a man to other men. And it's this, you cannot be a physical blessing to your wife and look at pornography, you can't do it. Here's why you have become one with someone else in your mind. Pornography shatters the unique oneness that you share with your spouse. Jesus has a very difficult teaching on this. He says this, he says, I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already uh, already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away, it is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell as a hard teaching. And next week, I don't want, you know, a bunch of pirates in here, right? Eye patches all over the place, . But Jesus is teaching something important. Unfaithfulness is not just something you do with your body, it's something that you do in your mind as well. And so, if that's you today and you're just feeling, oh, you're just feeling that, I want to encourage you in the Lord today, that there is a fresh invitation in front of you to walk into freedom Christ in you is the power to walk away from sin. God's spirit in you gives you power and love and self-control. And so you must wage war against lust in your life at all costs. It'll be the best thing that you can do for your wife. And so the law is this, be a physical blessing for your spouse. It is the one person that you get to enjoy this beautiful gift with. Don't waste it. So the question is this, is your body a blessing or is your body a barrier in your marriage? Verse three, this is the woman still talking. She says this pleasing is the fragrance, uh, fragrance of your perfumes. Your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the young women love you. Pleasing is a fragrance of your perfumes. Okay? Law number three, don't smell bad, okay? Don't smell bad., man. This could be the women. A reason why your wife is not a physical blessing. You smell bad, okay? Uh, no. Law three is this. Put the best you forward. Put the best you forward. Uh, song of songs is like a cat and mouse game. It captures, uh, pre-marriage, uh, the marriage and after marriage. And the whole time throughout the whole relationship. It's like this cat and mouse pursuit game. Now, if you're dating or hoping to be married, uh, or in a relationship, you understand this. But if you've been married for some time, you're gonna have to reach back in your memory, okay? Here. Now guys, when you went on a date with someone, what'd you do? You probably did some pushups to fill up, you know, the, the sleeves and your arms. You made sure your car didn't smell like your gym bag, right? You, you showed up on time. You opened the door during the meal, right? You paid attention, you asked questions and, and you listened to her. You put the best you forward. Women, you, you tried, right? You took an hour to get ready. Uh, you laughed at all the jokes that weren't really all that funny, right? Like you just put the best you forward. You didn't put the couch dwelling version of you, you didn't put the sweatpants stain version of you forward. You put the best you forward. There's a time for that version of you. You should be fully comfortable around your spouse. But comfort was never meant to replace pursuit. Uh, I remember my first date with my wife Kim. Uh, we went to a Calgary Flames hockey game. And uh, I spent most of my money, uh, that doing that. And so I still wanted to put my best foot forward. And so I went to American Eagle and I bought my first ever, uh, bottle of clone. And it was like 20 bucks or 15 bucks, something like that. And I'm not sure if it smelled good. I haven't worn clone since I just naturally smell good. You can ask her. Um, but the point was, the point was I was trying. I, I bought something that I was outta my price range. I went and get, I was just trying to do whatever could to put my best foot forward. I wanna ask you this. Are you still trying or has apathy replaced attraction? Somewhere along the way, we flipped the script and we stopped trying to impress our partner. And we defend it by saying, well, if they don't like me the way they am, then it's their fault, their problem. That is contract thinking. That is not covenant thinking. That's contract. This, this marriage deal is centered on me. No, no, no. Covenant thinking, self-giving love. Listen to what the Bible says on this. Um, this will confront you. And it's probably one of the, uh, least 21st century Canadian scripture passages in the Bible. It's up there. Top five. It says this, the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife. And likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but yields it to her husband in the same way the husband does not have authority over his own body, but yields it to his wife. This is not saying that the woman has no say over her body or has to give in to every demand of her husband or vice versa. But what it is saying is this, when you become one flesh, there is no part of you that exists in isolation anymore. And if you want a love that lasts, put your best, you forward. Keep pursuing, keep trying. So the question is this, if you and your spouse went on a date, would they want to go on a second date with you? Let's keep going. I'm gonna read this and then I'm gonna explain it'cause it's not gonna make a lot of sense. Uh, again, this is still, uh, the, the woman speaking, she says this, I'm getting some giggles, don't worry. It's just the way that it's laid out. Okay? She says this dark. Am I yet lovely daughters of Jerusalem dark like the tents of qar, like the tent curtains of Solomon, do not stare at me because I am dark, because I'm darkened by the sun. In our culture, um, tan is in and pasty is out, right? Generally speaking, it was reversed in Solomon's time. If you had tan skin, it means that you're out working under the sun. You didn't have enough money to stay inside If you had pale skin, it was generally a sign of wealth. And she says, listen, I'm not just dark. I am, I'm darker than most. She's insecure about it. She says, do not stare at me because of my, my darkness, the way that she looks. So here's law number four. Your spouse is your standard of beauty. Your spouse is your standard of beauty. Back to Genesis two. Adam was alone. And God says this, it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. Uh, the word helper does not imply inferiority. Eve is not Adam's assistant. The Hebrew word here for helper used is the same word used to describe how God helps his people. Uh, it means strength, it means support, vitality, it woman. God was creating an essential partner to fill in and support where Adam lacked so that together they can fill out God's calling for their life. That's marriage. Now, before Eve Genesis tells, tells us that God brings all of the living creatures before Adam, but none of the living creatures were found to be a suitable helper for him, which makes sense. Imagine this, okay? Like an, an ox comes in front of Adam, is this one's suitable? It's like, it's cute, but it's not gonna help naked mole rat. Not so cute. Also not going to help all these animals, all these living creatures. No one is a suitable helper. Then God creates woman. And when Adam sees her, he doesn't critique her. He doesn't, um, compare her. He doesn't hesitate. You know what he does? He sings one of the first songs in the Bible. It's a husband singing at the beauty of his wife. We don't know what Adam looked like. The Bible doesn't give us that information. But compared to all the other living creatures, she was good looking. She isn't a category of her own. Here's a big idea. God made one woman for Adam and whatever she looked like. That was Adam's standard of beauty. Man. You have one woman, whatever she looks like that is your standard of beauty. Women, you have one man, whatever he looks like, that is your standard of beauty. Whatever your spouse looks like, that is what you are into. If they are tan, you're into tan. If they are pasty, you are into pasty. If they're short, you're into short. If they have love handles, you're gonna squeeze the heck out of those things you love. You love 'em . So listen to how the man responds. Finally, the man speaks, okay? And listen to how he responds, which is also funny because,'cause this just feels like really guy, okay? So this is the first time you see he goes this, I liken you my darling to a mare, which is a female horse, okay? The first word's out of his mouth, he's like, he's trying, okay? I liken you, my darling, to a marere among pharaoh's chariot horses. And so this language doesn't age well, it doesn't translate well. And so don't try to apply the Bible and get in your car and say, Hey, listen babe, you are like a female horse . So don't, don't do that. Here's what he's saying. And that culture, Pharaoh's chariot horses were the ultimate symbol of beauty and strength. They were rare, really rare, admirable. And he doesn't say you are one of the horses. He says you're a marere among them. In other words, even among the most beautiful of women, you are in a category of your own. That's what he's saying. So if you want a love that lasts, law number four, your spouse is your standard of beauty. And so the question is this, does your spouse know that to you? You are in a category of their own. So the four laws are this, number one, your spouse is number one. Number two, you are a physical blessing to one another. Number three, you put the best you forward. And number four, your spouse is your standard of beauty. Which one of those is God just putting his his finger on you today? It's like, this is for you. Or maybe you've broken covenant in one of these areas and God will just impress upon your heart today, okay? It's time to repair some of this time to repair the covenant. I wanna close with one last verse, back to the woman talking. And the last time that we heard her, she was insecure. She was ashamed about her life, shamed about how she looked, but we're gonna read something and something has just drastically changed in her demeanor, in her position. This is what she says in in chapter two verse one. She says, I'm a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. Something shifted. She sees herself in a, in a new way, something admirable, something beautiful. It's like, what happened? Why did she change? You see, his love changed her. His love changed her. And that's what Godly love does. I would not be the man that I am today if it wasn't for the love of my wife. She's called me forth. She's pulled me up. I am better than I was because of her love. It has changed me. That's the power of a godly marriage. It's not a piece of paper, it's not a tax strategy. It's not just hooking up and and shacking up. It's not just a way to hedge against rising rent costs. No, it's a covenant, a pledging of your very self to one another. It's self-giving love. And that type of love doesn't leave you untouched. It changes you. And that points to something so much deeper. See, the Bible consistently reaches for marriage language as a way to try to describe how God loves us. In Ephesians five, Paul says this, husbands love your wives. Just as Christ had loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. Jesus' love does not, um, come for us after we are radiant. His love makes us radiant. His love changes us. And maybe you're here today and you have never experienced the love of God. You can when you put your full faith in Jesus Christ. The Bible says that God pours his love into our hearts and we are changed. And you might be skeptical about that idea'cause maybe like the woman, you have your own baggage. You have your own insecurities, you have your own shame. You know what's going on in your life. And understand this, God is not oblivious to all of those things. He knows everything. Just like the man sees the woman just as she is. God sees you exactly as you are. And his response to you is not rejection. His response to you exactly as you are is Jesus Christ. His response to is Jesus. And the Bible tells us that anyone who puts their faith in Jesus will never be put to shame. And that his love is the most secure love that you can ever experience because it's not based on what you think about yourself. It's based upon the cross on the cross. The love of God was made visible, and your shame and your insecurity and your pain and and your history was placed upon Jesus Christ, who is God himself. The invisible made visible. And Jesus carries those things so that you don't have to. And so you replace your shame for his freedom and you replace your insecurities for his peace and your failure for his forgiveness. No love will change you like the love of Christ. His truly is a love that lasts. Let's pray. Lord, I'm so thankful for the wisdom that you give us without it. Lord, we're in trouble. And so Lord, we go to you to understand how to live out and find wisdom for this area of our life that's so important, so sensitive, something we think about, something that gives us so much pain and turmoil in our life. And so, Lord, we want to come in alignment with you. And so I pray for all of the married couples here today. Lord, if they're strong marriages, Lord, strengthen them. Even greater Lord, they'd be a source of even greater joy to themselves and their family and their community. Lord, for those who are married and things are tough, God, I pray that you would inject hope into their heart right now. That just because it's tough doesn't mean it's over, that you can repair that Lord. Lord, if someone needs to apologize that they would apologize if forgiveness needs to be granted, Lord, that forgiveness would be granted. Lord, I pray that that oneness that is created when we marry someone would be true, would come back together if they are separate. Lord, I pray for those who are divorced in this place who have gone through the pain of that. Lord, I I just ask that you would surround them with your love. God, I pray that they would not, they would not give up on this biblical idea of love, Lord, but that too could be redeemed in their life. Lord, I pray for those who are dating and wanting to get married. God, I pray that you help them to walk in wisdom that if they're already pretending to be married but are not, not being married, Lord, that you'd punt the brakes on, whether that's physically or emotionally or relationally, whatever that would be, Lord, that they would act appropriately for their time. Lord, if those who are single here in discontent, I pray that you'd bring them comfort. If there are people who are single and content, I pray that this would be a season they could fully devote themselves to the work of the Lord. Lord, for my friends here today who did not know the love of Jesus, God, I pray that you would impress upon their heart right now that they can fully trust you and as they place their faith, Lord, I'm already thanking you that you are pouring your love into their heart. Lord, forgive them of their sin, Lord, as they put their faith in you, change their life. In Jesus name we pray, amen. Amen. Amen. If you prayed that with me today and you wanted to make a decision to follow Jesus, I would encourage you to tap the seat back in front of you. Uh, or we're gonna have some pastors who would love to pray with you off to the front left. Do not miss next week. It's gonna be good, okay? It's gonna be spicy. Get here. So we'll see you next week.