What God Says About Sex | Phil Kniesel

Sex is everywhere in our culture. It shapes how we think about identity, belonging, and happiness, often without us realizing it. In this message, Pastor Phil explores what God actually says about sex and why His design is not restrictive but protective.

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Transcript

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- Hey, this is Phil Kal, lead pastor at Hope City Church. Thanks for tuning into our podcast. My prayer is that this helps and encourages you, gives you some practical ways to live out your faith and ultimately fills you with hope. Enjoy the message.- Sex is a big deal. You don't have to search for it. It's in advertising. Netflix storylines, music lyrics, social media feeds, marketing strategies and it even finds itself on primetime TV in a halftime show. So when something dominates the air we breathe, it shapes how we think without us even realizing it. It influences how we understand self-expression, belonging, identity and mindsets. And in our culture, sex has quietly become the highest form of happiness. I mean that's why movies don't end with and they paid off their mortgage and built spiritual maturity they end with, they found each other. And culture tells us sex is nothing more than physical fun and no strings attached. And yet isn't it strange we say that yet? Breakups devastate people. Pornography rewires our brains, infidelity, shatters, families and hookups leave people emotionally confused. Sex is a big deal. Culture says, do whatever you want as long as it's consensual. It treats sex like a God. It says it defines you, fulfills you and completes you. And God says, sex is sacred. It does not define your worth. It flourishes only within the design he created for it. And it's a gift. Now we're in a short two week series entitled, love That Last, where we're looking at love, marriage and sex, the way God designed. And if you haven't guessed it yet, today I'm talking about sex. And it's a good day to be in church.'cause even though Canada lost, I'm still talking about sex . Now, when you go to someone's house to play a game, usually in their house, they have house rules. Now we're in God's house and in his house he sets the rules and we find those rules in his word. And that's what we do every week here at Hope City. We go to the Bible. So we're gonna do that with the topic of sex. And you may not agree, but I wanna take us to what God says is the best way sexuality can be lived and experienced. And spoiler alert, that is only in the covenant of marriage, meaning much of what I will speak will be for married couples. But if you're not married, this applies to you as well. It helps for your future. And I do wanna say this, if you're single and content and you feel you don't need this, awesome. I mean the Apostle Paul says this in the New Testament of First Corinthians. He says, now to the unmarried and the widows, I say it is good for them to stay unmarried as I do, but if they cannot control themselves, they should marry for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life. And I wanna spare you this. He kind of nails it. Marriage is hard. Singleness allows focus, devotion to God. And if that's you, you're complete just as you are and that's awesome. But if you're single and ready to mingle or if you're married, then you need to hear this. The Bible is not silent when it comes to sex. It contains roughly 250 to 300 verses on it. And it gives us healthy and unhealthy examples because sex is a big deal. The Bible says, for love is as strong as death. Its jealousy on yielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire like a mighty flame. Sex here is described as blazing. Fire. And fire in scripture often represents power and holiness. Sexual intimacy carries bonding power because it was designed to permanently join two people. That's why sexual sin causes deep wounds is misdirects sacred power. And I'm gonna say it, there is only one lane where God has said sexual expression is healthy, needed, celebrated, and good. And that lane is in the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman. You know, I once heard a story about a guy that was feeling ill. And so he went to his doctor and he said, doctor, I've been feeling sick and I'm not sure what's up. Doctor checked him over and ran some tests and said, well, I've got some bad news for you. You've only got 18 hours left to live. So as you can imagine, he went home devastated. He told his wife, they cried together, they prayed together. And then about three hours into it he said, you know, I've only got 15 hours left to live. Would you mind if we were intimate? She's like, honey, of course not. Let's be together. They were. It felt close, it felt good and they continued to embrace each other. And time went on. He looked at his wife a little later and said, I've only got about eight hours left to live, honey, do you mind if maybe one more time we could be together? And she said, oh sure, that would be great. I don't mind. Time went on. It was bedtime. They kissed each other. Good night they went to bed but the guy couldn't sleep. There's about three hours left to his life. And so it's the middle of the night and he reaches over and taps his wife on her shoulder and wakes her up and says, honey, I've only got three hours left to live. And she says, Uhhuh, we've already been together twice. We're not gonna be together anymore besides I have to get up in the morning. And you don't sex. It can be one of the greatest blessings in the covenant of marriage or it can be a tremendous point of conflict. But here's what we cannot miss. Sex was God's idea. After creating Adam and Eve, we read this. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. Now, God clearly defines sex here within marriage. The phrase one flesh comes from the Hebrew word, aka meaning fus. Together at the deepest level in sex, a man and a woman are fused together. It bonds two people into one entity, body, soul, and spirit. And so God says intimacy is way more than just biological. It's covenantal. It's two people becoming one again and again. And outside of marriage, all sex does is turn people into objects for self gratification. And every time you walk away from a sexual partner, it's as if you tear a cod. A part of you is lost and you do that enough and it hollows you out. Interestingly, the same word, a cod appears in one of the most holy Hebrew prayers that Jewish people still recite today. The prayers called the Shema. It's in the book of Deuteronomy and it says here, O Israel, the Lord our God. The Lord is one. The Lord is a God. So marriage one flesh reflects a little bit of God's own oneness. Sexual union points beyond itself. It points to God and reflects divine unity. And our world is filled with brokenness, especially in the realm of sexuality. There's heartache, pornography, sexual deviancy and more and a godly marriage. The way God designed is meant to counter all this. It's like it has a mission not to add to the brokenness, but to the oneness of the world. That's why we all melt. When old couples are still in love, it's us looking through the window of what we want and what we hope for. It actually reminds me of a a bird couple who had to get out from this brutal long cold winter. And so they decided to head to Hawaii to experience some good weather and stay at the hotel they honeymooned in 40 years earlier.'cause it was last minute when they made the arrangements. The only glitch was they couldn't get on the same flight. And so they agreed that the husband would fly out Thursday and the wife would join him on Friday. And so the husband arrives, checks into the hotel and decides to email his wife to inform her of his safe arrival. But inadvertently he made a small mistake and he left out a letter in her email address and it went to someone else, a woman from Texas who that morning had buried her husband, a retired minister. And so after the funeral she went home and opened up her email inbox and she read this and she almost faded. This was the first email she read to my loving wife. I've arrived. I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. . I wanna let you know all is well and everything has been prepared for your arrival. Tomorrow , looking forward to seeing you. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine. PS It sure is hot down here, . Okay, let's get back to Genesis. God says they will be one flesh. And the very next verse says, the man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame. Why do you think God put that in there? It's because they had nothing to hide. No apologizing for who they were, no pretending all was right because they were living the way God designed. But then in chapter three we read how they sinned and the first thing affected was the purity related to their sexuality. It says this, then the eyes of both of them were opened and they realized they were naked. So they sowed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. It's not like suddenly they discovered nudity. It's that nakedness now became shameful because of sin. Sin distorted the very thing God created and intended for beauty and good shame entered and caused them to want to hide. Sin always distorts what God made good. And I know him in a, in a room like this. I know across our campuses there are people, there are even couples dealing with sexual misgivings and sins. It could be an addiction to porn, it could be an affair or the pain of betrayal, a divorce or more. These things cause us to wanna run and to hide. Many have a sexual past or wounds. You know what it's like to experience a false unity, emotional fragmentation, broken realities. And these things, you know what they do? They can put a wedge between you and your spouse, between you and God. They create tension. They create distance. Friend, listen, God loves you and God can free you. And if you're feeling discouraged, if you're feeling full of shame, know that the good news of Jesus can change us. Bring it to him. He restores. He renews, he resets. There is always forgiveness and freedom available. The Bible says if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us. Forgive us our sins. I wanna speak to the single people in the room just for a moment. You need to work through your sexual past before you are married.'cause I've dealt with people who thought their marriage would cure their addiction to pornography or whatever sexual deviancy they were into. And then five months or one year into the marriage, they realize they're still dealing with it and and it becomes secret shame and guilt. And eventually it distances them from their spouse. It breaks a co listen. Marriage is not a solution to your sexual problems. Deal with them. Become the person you need to marry so you can attract the person you need to marry. We read in two Peter these words, his divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these you may participate in the divine nature having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. It's saying the Holy Spirit can give us the ability to live God honoring sex lives. He can bring healing, wholeness and newness. And if that's you today, friend, I wanna encourage you come to Jesus. He truly does give a fresh start and a release from shame. And if you're under that weight, I'm gonna pray for you at the end of this message today. And I just want you to surrender everything to him so there's unhealthy sexuality and then there's healthy sexuality. I don't wanna give you four signs of healthy sexuality as God intense. There's more. But I'm gonna hit on four today and I'm gonna take you to the Old Testament book called Song of Solomon or Song of Songs. It's classified as a wisdom literature book. Meaning here is God's wisdom on healthy sexuality. And the song of songs depicts love in all. Its spontaneity, beauty, power, and exclusiveness as experienced in marriage between a husband and a wife. It paints love and sex as one of God's choices, gifts to us. And the Bible talks about this'cause friend sex is a big deal. And so here's the first sign of healthy sexuality. Sex God's way is meant to be joyfully desired. And so let's go to Song of Songs. This is the husband speaking and he's talking about his wife. This is what he says, how beautiful you are, my darling. Oh, how beautiful. Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep. Just shor coming up from the washing. Each has its twin. None of them is alone. Okay, I get it. We don't talk like this but understand cultural context. He goes on, he says things like this, your lips are like a scarlet ribbon. Your neck is like the tower of David. Your breasts are like two tho, two fonts until the day breaks and the shadows flee. I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense. You are altogether beautiful. Mark darling, there is no flaw in you. In the same way the wife talks about her husband, listen to what she says about her husband. She says this like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade and his fruit is sweet to my taste. His left arm is under my head and his right arm embraces me. This is passionate, poetic, intimate language. It's obvious the Bible does not whisper about desire. It's celebrated in the context of marriage. In covenant. Desire is not sinful, it is sanctified. And here the husband delights in his wife's body and vice versa. They both welcome this desire. There's no embarrassment, it's only mutual joy. See, healthy intimacy includes verbal affection, admiration and desire. Their words built each other up. They weren't objectified, they were honored, they were treasured. You know what can happen over time? Over time a lot of couples can drift into almost a roommate marriage. They can shift into lulls like, okay, we got kids, we got careers, we got exhaustion, we got stress, we got screens. Desire goes silent, but great sex begins with desire and starts long before the bedroom. Listen to what the husband said again. Okay, your hair is like a flock of goats. He's saying, Hey babe, you've got great goat hair. Now I get it. That needs some explan explanation. Um, the goats that he was talking about were well known throughout the region as being the absolute most beautiful long-haired black goats that there were. And in Hebrew, your hair is like a flock of goats. Literally should be translated. You have Vito Sassoon hair, okay? He's complimenting her. And then he talks about all the different parts of her body and how perfect they are to him. He even compliments her teeth. And for the dentist out there, I know you love that one, he's romancing her, building her up long before he ever touched her. And that's something we can learn. Great sex starts before the bedroom and it starts with joyful desire. So what does that mean? It's, it's the little things that help your spouse and they go a long way. It's a phone call or text in the middle of the day just saying, hi, I miss you, or I love you. It's helping around the house. It's picking something up on the way home. It's doing the dishes after dinner. It's changing diapers. It's your tone of voice, it's listening when they are speaking, basically it's learning the kind of stuff that fills the tank of your spouse and acting upon it. So married couples keep speaking admiration to each other. Don't allow, did you pay the bill to replace you? Look amazing today. And so here's a question for you. I'm gonna ask you a question at the end of each of these points. And the question is this, when was the last time your spouse, her genuine specific admiration from you? Sex God's way is meant to be joyfully desired. The second sign of healthy sexuality sex God's way is covenant protected. Let's go back to Song of Songs and I just wanna read you one verse here. It says this, you are a garden locked up my bride. You are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain. The the bride is described as a locked garden. That's not a restriction but indicates value and protection. It's imagery that points to exclusivity. Sexual intimacy flourishes when there is security, trust, safety and lifelong commitment. It's the oneness I was talking about earlier. Covenant protected sexuality says I'm not going anywhere, I'm always gonna be faithful. You are my one and only for as long as we both shall live. It is exclusive. Sexual intimacy actually collapses when trust erodes. And this can happen in a lot of ways. A spouse hides financial troubles, pornography becomes habitual. Emotional intimacy is shared with someone outside of the marriage. Your phone is guarded like a vault. Married couples, listen to me. When secrecy enters safety exits and sex can only flourish. Where when there is transparency, faithfulness, and emotional honesty. So that means you gotta do whatever you need to do. You remove hidden habits, you share passwords. If trust has been damaged, you talk about your hurts, you talk about your betrayals if needed, you go to counseling. Security in your marriage creates sexual freedom, not the other way around. And so here's the question for you on this one, does your spouse feel emotionally and relationally safe with you? If not, what do you need to do? Sex God's way is covenant protected. Thirdly, sex God's way is giving, not just receiving. Let's go back to the Song of Songs. And I wanna read you something that the woman says to her husband. She says this, I belong to my husband and his desire is for me. Come my beloved, let us go to the countryside. Let us spend the night in the villages. Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have butted, if their blossoms have opened. And if the pomegranates are in bloom there, I will give you my love. I want you to notice the tone here I am my beloveds. Let us go to the countryside. Let us go early. I will give you my love. This is mutual pursuit, mutual invitation. Healthy, godly intimacy is rooted in serving, pleasing and considering your spouse not using them. And Paul actually hits on this when he writes these words to the Christians in Corinth. He's pretty blunt. He says this, the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. This is all about mutual surrender. So we don't ask, what am I getting? But how can I bless the one I love? Remember marriage is this picture of God to the world and Jesus never came to take but to give the writer Mark says it this way, for even the son of men did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many, any selfishness, it can show up so quickly in a marriage it's so easy to make it all about me and me alone. We can neglect the emotional state of the other person. We can initiate only when we want intimacy. And worse yet we can use intimacy as punishment. Sex God's way always gives more than it receives. And so here's a question for you on this one, do your actions communicate love or entitlement? Fourth sign of healthy sexuality sex God's way is deeply emotional and spiritual. I want us to read from the song of songs again. And this is what it says. It says this, place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death. It's jealousy, unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love. Rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one's house for love, it would be utterly scorned. This is essentially covenant language. Place me like a seal over your heart. Love is as strong as death. Sexual intimacy is tied to belonging and lifelong devotion, which means this is heart level, not just surface level. It's one flesh and it binds people on multiple levels, the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. And this is by design. God created sexual intimacy to deepen attachment. And that's why conflict impacts desire. Why bitterness blocks connection. Why emotional distance can make it, make it mechanical. Why unresolved hurt can shut things down. See, great intimacy is not just about two people coming together physically, but it's about two hearts connecting and reconnecting again and again. See, you can be physically together but emotionally miles apart. And so married couples, let me say this, pursue date nights with your spouse. Have honest conversations, forgive regularly and often, and also pray together regularly. I've heard that only about 8% of Christian couples pray together. Hope city. Let's counter that trend. You know, every morning before Marla and I head out the door, we pause, we hold hands and we pray over and for each other and over and for our kids and over and for our day we just say, let's invite God into all that we're doing today. Make it a habit to pray together And listen, you can't argue all week and expect fireworks on the weekend if the emotional bond is fractured. So is the intimacy. And so here's a question for you. Are you nurturing the emotional connection that intimacy depends upon hope City sex is a big deal. The writer of Song of Songs calls it a blazing fire. Fire in a fireplace, warms a home fire outside the fireplace destroys it. God designed sex and gave us boundaries to protect us. Sex God's way is meant to be joyfully desired sex God's way is covenant protected sex. God's way is giving, not just receiving. And sex. God's way is deeply emotional and spiritual that is healthy sexuality. And so my heart for you, if you're single, is that you will protect your future by honoring God's design for intimacy. Now, and my heart for the marriages in our church is that they will thrive. That they are based on God's best for each other. That you grow deep in the gift of intimacy that has been designed by God himself. Sex is a big deal and my prayer is that you may treat it that way. I'm gonna ask you to stand if you are able to. And I want to close in prayer this morning. I don't wanna say this if if you're here with your spouse today, I'm gonna ask you just to maybe hold your spouse's hand because I would love to just pray for you as married couples. And then I'm gonna pray for others obviously. But I just want to begin by praying for our marriages and our couples here today. God, I thank you that in your word we have the truth that's designed by you for all areas of our life. I thank you Lord that there is clarity in all ways. And so, Lord, I pray for every single married couple in this place right now. I pray for those that are dealing with harder sexual scenarios. I pray that there is a sense of just honesty and and communication. I pray that you break down walls, that you free them of things. God, I pray that you help them to grow in their intimacy with each other. Lord, I thank you that this is a gift from you. And so I just pray that you continue to bless these marriages. May they pursue godly intimacy. May they see areas where maybe I need to change, may forgiveness flow, may joy flow, may conversation flow. May the love that you have designed be present in their lives and in their marriage. And I pray this over and for these incredible couples, God and Lord, today I pray also for those individuals who just have a sexual past or even present. They're carrying shame. They're carrying guilt. They're carrying a heaviness. Father, today I pray that they just lay it down before you. I pray that you, the God who forgives all sins may just wash 'em clean. God, may they know that in your sight they are forgiven, they are set free. I pray Lord Jesus, that they don't walk out with their head full of shame, but they walk out standing tall knowing that my God has redeemed me, my God has rescued me. And I pray for chains to be broken in lives. I pray for walls to just come down. I pray for those who have said, I don't think I'm ever gonna get past this to believe God for a breakthrough to believe God, that you can set them free to believe God, that there is hope and there is next. And so Father, I ask for that over my friends today. And God, I pray for all of us. No matter where we find ourselves, may we walk this life, may we do this life in a way that honors you and that includes our sexuality. We wanna live as God honoring men and women before you. And so in and through all things, Lord, we ask that we live in a way that brings you glory, that brings you honor. And I just wanna say, if you're joining us today and you don't know Jesus, you've never made the commitment to say Jesus, I wanna make you Lord and leader of my life. Friend, I want to tell you, Jesus went to the cross. He died for your sins. He rose to offer you life, both now and forever. And it just begins by making the decision to follow him. And if you're saying today, I wanna make that decision, I wanna pattern my life after Jesus's, I'm gonna ask you to pray along with me a simple prayer that helps you begin the journey. So let's pray. Jesus today I see my need for you. I thank you for going to the cross, for dying, for my sins, for rising, and offer me life and hope both now and forever.- And- So today I put my faith in you. I put my trust in you. And I thank you that I can have this hope. I thank you that I can have this life. I thank you that I can know you. I just commit myself to you. I don't want my past anymore. I want the future in you. And so I move forward in that. And I'm grateful that I can make that decision today. And Lord, I pray over every individual, every couple, and every family as they go into this week. Lord, I pray that they just sense your goodness, your grace, your strength. I pray that they know Holy Spirit, that you are there to speak in and through them and to carry them. And I pray that the presence of Jesus surrounds them and empowers them in every circumstance. And I specifically pray that our married couples here are couples that grow in intimacy under you. God, that they understand the gift that you have given them and that walls may come down and that these marriages flourish for the glory and for the honor of Jesus. And I pray this all in the incredible and wonderful name of Christ. Amen. If you prayed that prayer of surrendering your life to Jesus today, can I ask you just to tap one of the diss on the seat back in front of you? It's our way of getting a digital booklet inside your hands. It just talks about what it means to know and follow Jesus. And secondly, it's our way of trying to get to know you in a big church as well. If you're joining us in the house, we're gonna have a prayer team available right here down at the front, left after the service if you want prayer about anything. They would just love to pray over and for you, hope City, thank you so much for being in church today. Know that I pray for you, know that I love you and I just believe that God has a great week ahead of you as you leave. God bless you guys and have a great Sunday.