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Welcome to the Mayor Steps podcast for developing a long lasting happy relationship is the status symbol to achieve and follow. My six mayor steps it a path. Help get you there. Six steps are establishing a covenant Foundation. Owning your Brokenness, learning to share power, developing emotional attachment, cultivating sexual fireworks and staying in love. I'm Dr White Fisher, a licensed psychologist specializing in marriage counseling. If you believe in this podcast, want to help me keep it on the air so couples worldwide can receive hope for their marriage? Please consider becoming a monthly supporter but going to patriot dot com four slash marriage steps That's p a t r o n dot com forward slash mirror steps the paint on your level of support, which can range from $15 2 $50. You'll receive a public thank you from me on the podcast free marriage training module of your choice or two free tickets to my next total marriage refresh seminar on the next one's coming up in Dallas, Texas, March 14th Today I'm gonna focus on five questions to increase your bedroom sizzle. So this is coming out. Mayor Step number five, which is cultivating sexual fireworks. There's a lot of issues around sex and marriage, and unfortunately, we don't talk about it near as much. And because of that, the problems fester often. So I'm gonna go through five questions that you and your partner should talk through and dialogue about to, hopefully enhance your sexual relationship in your marriage. So the first question is, What are your expectations? What are your expectations when it comes to sexual encounters with your partner? What are your expectations? What should they look like? Well, should they not look like who should be doing what in the bedroom? Who decides what you'll do? How much focus should there be on foreplay versus intercourse? All the nuts and bolts when it comes to sexual encounters? It's important to talk about it, to talk through our expectations because all of us have sexual expectations and we picked them up through the years. Perhaps some of those expectations are from negative things we've experienced. We want to make sure that doesn't happen in the bedroom. Other experience that we've had, perhaps through our life span have been really positive, and so therefore, we like those elements in the bedroom or perhaps we have expectations from media. We've been exposed to our friends we've talked to, but all of us bring expectations on some level into the bedroom. And if you don't have any expectations, that's your expectation. So it's just important to get on the same page with your partner because a lot of times sexual expectations are not discussed. They're not processed. They're not dialogued about. And instead couples fall into a sexual encounter without any communication. So consider that that first question is, What are your expectations? What are your partners? Expectations in the bedroom? And to talk that through second question. What are your fantasies in the bedroom? So this is a little different than expectations, because expectations is more of the nuts and bolts. How should things flow? How should things work? What should we focus on? Should it be this should it be that but the fantasies is more about what turns you on and what turns you off. So all of us have fantasies some more than others. But to consider for a moment, what are yours? What are your sexual fantasies? What are some things your partner could say or do in the bedroom that would light you up like a firecracker. What are those things for you and where there's it's important to talk that through into dialogue about it, into converse about what are your fantasies? What lights you up? What makes you feel alive, Sexually? That's great information toe. Learn about your partner and for you to share it with them, so you have the information going into the bedroom. The third question to ask is, How much do you communicate during sexual encounters? A lot of couples air so shut down that they don't say anything to each other during their sexual encounters. Maybe they'll make a little noise here there, but they're definitely not Converse ing or communicating during the sexual encounters. And because of that, there's a lot of assumptions, a lot of assumptions about what feels good, what doesn't feel good, what you expect, what turns you on. There's all source of expectations going on and assumptions, and sometimes they're accurate, but a lot of times they're not accurate. So a couple guidelines on this one on communicating during sexual encounters. The first thing to consider is you want to practice positive redirects, not rebukes so pause of redirect. What that means is, if your partner is touching you in a way or in a place that you do not like, don't rebuke them. And a rebuke is Stop it. Oh, I hate that. Knock it off. That's a rebuke. If you rebuke your partner in the bedroom, they're gonna shrivel up and die. It's just one of the worst things you could possibly imagine. So don't ever rebuke your partner. However, you also don't want to stay silent because if they're doing something to your body that you don't enjoy, you want to communicate that so positive. Redirect means, say, if they're touching your stomach and they're rubbing it firmly and you don't like it Ah, positive redirect is You take their hand, too, where you do want to be touched and guide them on how to touch you. And then you affirm them so you would just take their hand, redirect it into the type of touch and where you want to be touched, and then you affirm them by saying something positive about what they're doing. So that is called a positive redirect, not rebukes. The other option for when you're communicating the bedroom and talk about this during my marriage conference is too safe. Three options. You have 33 options to say. When your partner is touching you, you can either say nah or you can say Mm mm mm mm. Or he can say nice. Okay, so you have those three choices when you're being touched, you want to communicate, your partner knows how it's feeling, so you can use a NA, which means I don't like that. Or you could say, Mmm mmm mmm. Which means it's okay what you're doing to me or you can say nice. And that means you've hit the target, keep doing what you're doing. So that's a real nice, simple way to communicate. So you don't get too much into your head because you want to stay in the experience. But you need a simple format, a simple method so you could be communicating during your sexual encounters because you're trying to find tune the encounter so it's mutually enjoyable for both of you. And normally that doesn't happen. If your mouth is shut and you're not communicating, the fourth question to ask is, How can you become a one? I n one a out lover, so I won. I end one eye out lover, so as a reminder. What this refers to is when someone is two eyes in that means they're self absorbed. They're only thinking about themselves that only thinking about what they want. They're only thinking about what feels good for them. That someone two eyes in, in contrast, someone to eyes out, is a partner that's Onley, thinking about what they're what they're partner wants and whether partner is gonna feel good with what's gonna make their partner enjoy the encounter that someone has two eyes out and they lose track of their own body and what feels good to them. So the goal in the bedroom, just like any other area of meant marriage is to become a one i n one eye out partner. So one eye and one out partner in the bedroom is someone who is tracking what they need, their tracking, their arousal, they're tracking their experience and what would feel best for them. But they're also tracking How are you feeling and what's best for you and what are your needs and how is your arousal? So they're tracking both at the same time, and that type of partner would never do anything that would make their spouse uncomfortable or that would pressure their spouse or that would force their spouse. If someone is doing that, that's someone who's two eyes in because they're only thinking about themselves and they've lost track of you. So instead you need to constantly tracking your body. What's feeling good for you, what you need, more rebel you need less of while at the same time you're tracking your partner and what's going on with their BART body and how you confined to what you're doing to better please them and serve them in the bedroom. That's one I n one day out. That's a good lover. The fifth thing to consider is the question of how much do you discuss the the sexual experience when finished. So when you and your spouse are done with the sexual encounter, what happens? Do one of you roll over and fall asleep? Do you go your separate ways? Do you go eat like what do you do after you've had a sexual encounter? What I would recommend you dio is you talk. You talk about what just happened you reflect on the experience, you unpack it, you process it. And you dialogue about How was that for you? Well, what did you appreciate most? What would you like to have seen? Different. How can we tweet this for next time? What would be better for you next time? We'll do want more of what do you want? Less of? Those kind of questions are so important because you want every sexual encounter to be a learning experience. So the next one becomes even better. But if you're not talking about your experience, you won't learn. You won't learn what works for your partner. They won't learn what worked for you or what didn't work for you. So you need to have this openness around your encounters when you're done with the encounter so that you can unpack it, you can process it. You can learn from it so you can apply those lessons for the next sexual encounter. So those are the five questions to discuss with your partner to increase the bedroom sizzle. So number one what are your expectations? Number two. What are your fantasies in the bedroom? Number three. How much do you communicate during sexual encounters Or how could you communicate better during sexual encounters? Number four. How can you become a one I n one out lover and fifth? How can you discuss the sexual experience when finished? Thank you for listening to the marriage step podcast. If you enjoy the episode, please leave a review. I really appreciate all reviews that people leave for more marriage. Resource is go to my website dr white fisher dot com. That's d R w Y a t f i s h e r dot com and follow me at facebook dot com for a slash Dr White Fisher or an Instagram at Dr Wyatt Fisher. Also, if this podcast has made a positive impact on your relationship or if you have suggestions on top accession cover, I would love to hear from you at info at dr white fisher dot com. And remember, your marriage is alive. If you care for it, it will thrive. And if you don't, it will die. The choice is up to you. Take care