107: How to Lead Yourself When Senior Leaders Are Reactive

When senior leaders are reactive, it can feel like you're constantly navigating uncertainty and chaos. But instead of getting caught up in the turbulence, you can take charge of your own leadership journey.

In this episode, we’ll explore practical strategies to help you lead yourself with confidence, clarity, and resilience—no matter what’s happening around you. From managing your mindset to making empowered decisions, you’ll learn how to stay focused on your growth and success, even in the most unpredictable environments.

When you’re ready to become a top performing leader, book a leadership strategy session to see if executive coaching is right for you. You’ll learn to simplify your leadership style while amplifying your value inside my 1-1 coaching program.

Go to https://melsavage.com/chat to book your leadership strategy session now.

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Transcript

Hi, leaders. Welcome back to the podcast. Today, we're talking about something that all of us have to deal with, and that is when your managers lose their cool. The question is, how do we maintain our best leadership selves when the other senior people around us are not being so cool? It happens all the time. They freak out. They start yelling. They have a very sharp tone. They're passive-aggressive. They're judgy. They throw out sarcastic comments, and we can allow it to impact us. We can shut down. We can lash out, and we lose sight of ourselves. We allow ourselves to lose sight of ourselves when other senior people start behaving badly.

Now, I have certainly been one of those bosses, one of those managers that has acted badly. And I bet all of us have. Nobody is perfect. And I think that's the key thing to remember here—it doesn't really matter how senior you get. We all have bad days that have nothing to do with anyone else sitting around the table, but we take it out on all those other people.

So, because we're leaders, because we are looking for continuous growth, today I wanted to talk about how to handle that situation because I've also had so many bosses that lost sight of themselves. I'm just going to keep calling it that–lose their cool, who have thrown stuff, who swore at me, who name-called.

I mean, honestly, shit you could not get away with today. At least, I think it's stuff you couldn't get away with today, but I have a few clients who have managers like that who are really, really aggressive. But it can also just be the daily—a little belittling here and there, freaking out when something isn't done, upset that the result they’re looking for isn’t coming. And instead of sort of digging in and helping you figure out what you need to do to get the result that you’re looking for, they blame you, or they blame others, or they act out like a child, basically—which is the furthest thing from a leader that you can get.

And for you, it can feel a little existential when that's happening because our careers—certainly our jobs, not so much our careers—feel like they are a big part of what creates safety in our lives. It gives us value. It gives us a sense of belonging. It makes us money to pay for our mortgages and all the things that we've become accustomed to.

And so, because this isn't like a friend freaking out or your partner freaking out, it's your manager or senior leader at a company freaking out. Sometimes we think that those people have power over our safety, and so it can make us not only feel existential but put us in survival mode. That is when we start to freeze or flee, which is oftentimes just ignoring the situation and hiding, or fight, which is getting angry back, complaining behind someone's back, or all the other things. I'm going to give you some tangible things to practice.

But I think the important thing to remember in all of this is that it's not personal. Nine times out of ten, their reaction is about them. Now, they might be talking about a situation that involves you and that maybe you could have done something better, but the way they're reacting is really not about you.

It's about them—their frustration, their fear, their stress that they're going to fail, their existential worries, or their fight with their spouse that morning, or their boss saying something crappy to them. We need to do our best in those moments to separate ourselves from what the manager is saying so that we can really ground ourselves. The more we're taking it personally, the more we feel afraid, the less access we have to our most intentional, creative, strategic leadership self.

So I always try to pretend that there's a person freaking out here who needs my help, not so much that there's a person here who's threatening my existence. This person in front of me needs my help, and I’m trying to make that switch in my brain as much as possible. It's not easy. I know it's not easy. I've had lots of scary bosses. I have a husband. We fight, and he says things sometimes that make me want to lash out. But I need to start to think this person just isn't seeing things the way I see them. They need help. They need to be listened to. 

I think the other thing I'll say, too, is that it's especially hard to do that when you're talking to someone more senior than you, who is, “supposed to be better at this” than you are. But that's not true. I think we all know that. Just because they're more senior and they get paid more doesn't necessarily mean they're more emotionally intelligent or that they can handle that particular situation better than you. We all have to come together. We're a team. So when someone on the team is acting badly, how can we show up for the team and show up for that person?

Now, I know these situations are tough, but I want to give you a way to navigate them so that you know how to lead yourself when your senior leaders are being reactive, which is going to happen because the stakes are high the more senior you get, and you have to have a game plan for moments like this.

What I want to share with you today is going to help you figure out how to stay calm even when the other person—the managers or the other stakeholders—have emotions running high, and you're running high too. Their emotions go off, your emotions automatically go off, and I’ll show you how to keep yourself out of survival mode.

I also want to offer you a tool to help shift your focus so that you don't take it personally. I'll be giving you some advice on how to use your body language to demonstrate confidence, how to acknowledge the issue without becoming defensive, and, most importantly, how to move the situation towards solutions and move us forward rather than staying mired in the BS that's happening at that moment.

When you use these strategies, you're not just going to survive tough moments like this. I want you to come out the other end looking even better. I want you to thrive in situations like this, where you come out the other end more respected and more confident. Ideally, you’ll have the gratitude of your manager, who realizes that you helped diffuse the situation and bring things back to a more leaderly place.

But if your manager is not grateful and is actually just upset that you are outshining them at that moment—which is also possible—at least you're going to have the respect of the other people around you. And at the very, very minimum, you're not going to be carrying the situation around with you all day because you will have managed it and settled it in that moment. That alone is a reason to do this because you won't be wasting hours replaying the situation, being pissed off about it for days and days, and then having to close the issue later.

So it's worth practicing this process I'm about to give you, and I want you to recognize the word I said—it's a practice. It won't work perfectly the first time, but I want you to keep trying it over and over again. You're going to get a little bit better each time. You're going to find out what works, what parts of it didn’t work, and what you’re going to tweak for the next time. But the goal is always the same: for you to maintain your leadership self when other people around you are not doing so.

I have six steps here. They're going to happen seamlessly and concurrently. You're going to do this in, I don’t know, a minute or two, depending on the conversation you're having. But I'm just going to go through each element of it step by step.

The first thing is that you're going to normalize your trigger. This is really about starting with you. You're going to feel triggered. When someone yells or acts out, it's normal for your brain to push you into survival mode. Your brain is going to go right into fight, flight, or freeze. That’s how it's made. So you need to recognize that’s what's happening. You feel the anxiety, you feel the tension in your body, you realize that you're freaking out too. You need to have awareness of that and normalize it. Tell yourself, “This is not a life-and-death situation. I'm actually not in danger right now, even though it feels like it.”

So, thoughts that you can use in that moment—actually, even before the thoughts you can use—just breathe. Just take a deep breath in and out of your nose, through your diaphragm. Try not to be too demonstrative about it, but just do it to soothe yourself and remind yourself in that moment, This isn't about me. This is about them.

Take another deep, slow breath to calm your nervous system, and then ground yourself by noticing something physical—like your feet on the floor, or if you have a pen in your hand—something small that’s going to help you stay present and centered. This isn't about me. This is about them.

The goal for this first step is to calm your body first so that your brain can think clearly. The more you're freaking out, the more your body is vibrating so high that your brain is distracted, and you need to get your brain to a place where it can think clearly. So, you need to calm your body down first. This literally can take seconds—10 seconds for you to do this while the other person is talking.

Step two is to get into a supportive mindset. It’s going to be really easy for you to go into blame mode, into a defensive mode. You need to not be defensive and instead shift to being supportive.

Defensiveness is all about focusing on yourself. Supportiveness is all about focusing on them and what they need. So, it’s going to be really easy for you to want to get defensive, but now that you’ve calmed your body, I want you to refocus on them and get into a supportive mindset—just dropping into supportiveness as if your friend was freaking out. If your friend was freaking out, you would want to help soothe them in that moment and tell them everything is going to be okay. Now, don’t tell your boss everything is going to be okay, but I want you to drop into that mindset.

Again, this is rarely about you. It’s their fear, their frustration, their insecurity bubbling over. If you had a friend who was afraid, frustrated, and insecure, you would drop into supportive mode. I want you to think about that because it can make a huge difference—not only in how you present yourself but also in how you feel.

By doing this, you’re taking yourself out of the equation. You’re not focused on your own ego at the moment, which is how we are naturally wired as humans—to focus on our own ego. Instead, you’re focusing on supporting them.

This doesn’t mean you excuse their behavior. It means you are creating space for yourself to be calm and for them to be who they need to be at this moment. You can even tell yourself, “This is their fear of talking. This is not leadership. It's okay. We all have moments like this.”

This second step is really about you focusing on creating safety for them. Step one was about creating safety for yourself. Step two is,  I am prepared to create safety for them, and I’m going to take control of this moment.

While you are getting into a supportive mindset, I want you to also get your body into a supportive mindset. It’s going to be much easier for you to get your body into a supportive mindset when your brain is there. So step three is let your body do the talking as well. So step one is to normalize your trigger, then you're going to get into a supportive mindset and number three, let your body do the talking.

There’s nothing worse than trying to control your body when your brain is freaking out and making it look like you’re not freaking out. The easier way to handle this is to calm your brain first—which is what we’re working on in steps one and two—and then bring your body along for the ride.

You want to project calmness, confidence, and engagement. What I want to offer you here is that basically, you’re sitting up, leaning in slightly, and nodding occasionally to demonstrate that you’re listening. You’re not over-nodding—it’s about balance. You’re just focusing on them. You’re listening with the intent to understand. 

So, your facial expression is neutral or simply focused on listening—whatever you look like when you’re listening from a supportive place. No eye rolls, no sighs, no defensive looks. Those things signal that you don’t care about what they’re saying or that you think what they’re saying isn’t important.

When you get into a supportive mindset, it’s all about recognizing that what this person is saying is important. They need help from you, and your body language should communicate, I am here. I am steady. I am listening. Like I said, don’t feel like this means you’re giving in. This isn’t about condoning their behavior. This is about you being a leader, despite how they’re behaving.

So far, everything we’ve discussed has been internal. Now, we’re going external. Now, we’re going to acknowledge the issue. Acknowledgment is a very powerful tool, and it shows that you are taking the issue seriously without accepting blame or becoming defensive. It’s just about acknowledging.

You might say things like: "This is an important issue." "I see this as a critical issue." "I understand that this needs immediate attention."

You’re basically just acknowledging that what they’re saying is important. Don’t say things like, “I see this is important to you or I can see that you think this is really important. So…” I actually feel that's a bit passive-aggressive, like it's important to them but not important to you in some way. No. What's important to them is important to you as a leader. So you don’t want to sound dismissive, and don’t try to over-explain or defend yourself at that moment. “Oh, here’s why I did this, and here’s why this happened.” No, don’t go there. You’re just opening up a can of worms.

Just acknowledge: “I see this as a critical issue. I see this as important. I understand that this needs immediate attention.” Just acknowledging builds trust. It diffuses the tension without putting you on the defensive. You do not want to be on the defensive. 

Don’t worry—later on, if you want to explain something, you can circle back and have a one-on-one conversation about how did we get here? But not at this moment. This is not the time or place for it because the other person, who’s kind of freaking out, is not in a position to listen actively. They may hear bits and pieces, or they might interpret what you’re saying in a way that you don’t want it to be interpreted. So, you’ve got to take it one step at a time. You’re just acknowledging the issue.

Once you acknowledge the issue, then you’re going to move the situation forward. Just acknowledging it is going to bring the tension down a little bit. Once you’ve brought it down a little, it’s time to focus on action. You can actually just say something right away: I see this is a critical issue. Here’s what I understand the main issue is. You’re summarizing neutrally with facts—not with your own perspective, not with your own sort of take on the situation.

You want to focus on the facts, like: I see this is a critical issue. You’re concerned about this. You need this to happen. You want me to do this. Have I got you, basically? You’re keeping it very factual. Or you can say something like: Let’s agree on the immediate priorities and go from here. So it’s: I see this as important. Let’s agree on the immediate priorities and go from there. Here’s what I think we should do next.

I’m not suggesting you take responsibility for anything at that moment. I’m not suggesting that you say what can follow up later on stuff. Well, you could say this:  I see this is important. Let’s focus right now on moving things forward, and we can follow up later on how we got here. Right now, I think the important things to do are X. Do you agree?

Get your manager, or whomever is freaking out, focused on moving things forward. And then at the end, once you’ve agreed on what the solution is, you can say:  I’d like to book time with you to figure out how we got here so that we don’t get here again. How does that sound?

I actually jumped ahead there to number six, but that’s where you want to get to—moving the situation forward first.

Number six is to defer any personal feedback.

If the conversation turns personal—like your boss is criticizing your performance or pointing the finger and blaming you—don’t engage in the heat of the moment. Like I said already, redirect the focus to solving the issue and suggest that you come back to it later.

You could say something like: Let’s focus on addressing the problem first. But even that can come across as condescending. I would go back to acknowledging and say something like:  I hear you. I understand that you’re not happy with the way I handled this, and I want to talk to you about it. But let’s figure out what we’re going to do from here. And then let’s set aside separate time to come back and talk about this because I have thoughts that I would like to regroup on so that I’m communicating clearly with you. But in the meantime, let’s solve the problem right now.

And then just follow through. Set up a time to talk when emotions aren’t running high—when you’ve had time to collect your thoughts, when you’re calm, and when you have a more unbiased perspective on what happened so that you can actually speak about it objectively.

So, number six is really about saving the personal feedback for when the situation is calmer and more productive—just deferring it to that point. You really want to be in a place where your boss can actually hear you when you’re talking.

So those are really the six steps that you need when your manager or another senior stakeholder is losing their cool. You want to stay steady. You want to be a leader first. The six steps that you want to move through are:

First, you have to calm yourself by normalizing your trigger. You have to soothe yourself in that moment and realize this isn't about you.

Second, you need to shift into a supportive mindset. Pretend it's a friend who needs your help. You want to shift out of defensiveness and into supportiveness.

Third, you're going to let your body do the talking. You're going to sit up straight, lean in, and nod, but not overly nod. Nothing in your body language should be dismissive. Your body language should communicate: I am listening. This is important. I am supporting you.

Fourth, you're going to acknowledge the issue very succinctly. I see this as a critical issue. I see this is important. Period.

Fifth, move the situation forward with calm and clear solutions. Here's what I think we need to do. Here’s what I think the next step is. Here’s how we can solve this. Get alignment on that.

And then, once you've solved the issue, you can come back and say,  now that we've solved this, I'd like to set up some time later to talk about how we got here and how we can avoid coming here again.

That’s a leader. You're not saying you didn’t do anything wrong, but you're also not saying you did everything wrong. You are simply ensuring that the conversation happens at the right time—when they can hear you and when their heels aren’t already dug in, which is really where they are when they’re freaking out. They need to be right in the moment. So you're going to let them be right. Just let them be right, and then later, you can have an objective conversation.

The more you practice this over and over, the easier it's going to get. The more you’re going to realize, Oh yeah, I’m not in danger. Oh yeah, I know how to handle this situation. And believe it or not, the more you practice this, the less people are going to freak out on you. Because they’re seeing you role model what a leader looks like in those situations. They’re seeing you as a role model: Let’s solve the problem and defer the development conversation. And that’s what they’re going to start doing.

On top of that, when you show that level of composure, people notice. That is executive presence. That is an element of executive presence. You become the leader people look to when things get hard. When things are off-kilter, you are the voice of reason. You are the voice of calm.

That’s what I have for you this week, my friends. I hope that helps. This has been coming up a lot in my coaching sessions—how to handle yourself in those situations—so I thought I would share that with you.

I look forward to talking to you soon. Bye for now.