Alex's Story

Alex Frantz shares the life-altering discovery of being donor-conceived, a revelation triggered by a holiday DNA kit. They describe the shock of realizing they attended high school with their half-siblings. Alex recounts forming a deep, "seamless" bond with their biological father and half-brother over a shared love for music.

Alex can be reached via instagram @bedhead_babe

Resources Mentioned:

Untangling Our Roots

Alex's Band: The Eye Traps Instagram @theeyetrapsband

NPE Stories Patreon

NPE Stories facebook page
https://www.facebook.com/NPEstories

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You are not wrong for wanting the truth. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to know where you came from and for seeking out the truth, even if the people who raised you don't want you to do it.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hello, you are listening to NPE Stories. This is a podcast where NPEs can share their story. I am your host, Lily, and I found out I was an NPE through an ancestry DNA test that changed my life forever. NPE is a term that stands for not parent-expected or non-paternal event. This means that one or more of our parents are not who we believe them to be. NPE Stories is a podcast where NPEs can share their story of what their original family was like, how they found out they were an NPE, and what their journey has been like since the day they found out. I just came back from a summit for NPEs and adoptees down in Atlanta last weekend. It was called Untangling Our Roots. It was put on by Right to Know and the National Association of Adoptees and Parents. It was so amazing. I got to speak with other NPEs and even adoptees about our experiences. And I even connected with birth fathers that came and significant others that came to support their NPE spouses. I had dinners and lunches and sat in on group discussions. Oh, I just feel so filled up and full of love, like so full of gratitude. I'm really lucky to be able to sit down and talk with other people that get it. Thank you so much to people that drove in even for day passes and talked with me on the breaks. I'm going to put some videos on my Patreon page. It's patreon.com slash NPE stories because I decided I'm just gonna go ahead and summarize some of the panels I went to because I listened to gems, people giving out amazing advice, great tips for things that have helped them with their healing. Thank you so much to people that went to the summit with me, sat with me, talked with me. You've been on my mind all week, and I just feel better about my situation, which is exactly why we have community, right? And it's why we have this podcast. So let's get into today's story. Welcome to episode 237. Today I am speaking with Alex. Hi, Alex. Hi, Lily, how are you?

SPEAKER_00 2:49

I'm good. How are you? Doing just fine. Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

Yeah, absolutely. You have a busy weekend. We rescheduled because it said you had a gig. And I was like, is Alex in a band?

SPEAKER_00 3:03

I am indeed in a band. Yeah, we had a show yesterday and Friday. Um, and I'm also in grad school, so I have some classwork to do today. So it's been a busy weekend for me.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

And you're in grad school. That's right. You said you had to meet with classmates later today.

SPEAKER_00 3:17

So we went in everyone's favorite thing, which is a group project right now.

SPEAKER_01 3:22

So it's taking up a lot of time. Are they group members that are collaborative and helpful? Okay, good for you. Grateful for that. Yes. But tell me about this band. Are you a singer? What what do you do in this band? Tell me a little bit about this.

SPEAKER_00 3:38

Yeah, so my band, The Eye Traps, is so we're based in Vermont, which is where I am. And yeah, we're a four-piece band. I sing and play guitar. My boyfriend plays guitar and sings as well. We have a bassist who sings. We do a lot of three-part harmonies, and we have a really badass female drummer. So it's two girls, two guys lineup, which I really love. It's really, really fun.

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Oh my gosh, that's so cool. How long have you been doing this?

SPEAKER_00 4:06

Not that long, actually. It's been about a year. No, actually, maybe a little longer, about a year and a half. But I've always played music, and that actually is a really funny part of my story and how things have developed, which I'm sure we'll get into later. But yeah, music has always been really a big part of my life, but the band stuff has only been for the last year and a half-ish.

SPEAKER_01 4:29

I love that. And are you at the point where the gigs are still exciting, or are they have you reached the point? I'm just speaking from other musician friends I have, where they the Friday, the Saturday nights are consuming and you're busy with gigs. Where are you at with your performances?

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Yeah, I mean, at this point, obviously there are weekends where it it feels like a lot and it's overwhelming. But right now, since we're in the band sense, pretty new, it still feels really exciting and fun. And we have a really great community around here. So when we're playing locally in our our city, it's just really, really wonderful. Our show last night was just so it was just beautiful. So we have a really great community scene around here, which makes it it feel a lot more rejuvenating than draining. But yeah, it varies week to week, though. There are days where I'm I'm sleepy.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Oh, that's so exciting. You just performed last night. So the adrenaline rush, the excitement. Yes. Oh I'm happy for you. That's great. So we will find out more about how music is part of your story. Let's go back to the origin story. Why don't you tell me who was in your raising family and a little bit about your childhood?

SPEAKER_00 5:51

Yeah, absolutely. So I was raised by my two parents. We'll call them Dave and Sally. And I was raised as a biological only child. So I didn't have any biological siblings growing up with me, to my knowledge. My mom is a social worker, as am I now, but my mom is a social worker and she worked in children's services. So throughout my life, I had foster siblings. Um, and there were always kids, we just always had kids in the house. So I didn't grow up in the most traditional only child environment. There were all, yeah, there were always kids around, kids staying the night. I had a foster sister when I was very little who did respite with us and was with us on the weekends. I had a foster brother in high school. So there were lots of kids around. So I didn't feel as lonely as I could, but I do remember pretty distinctively telling my mom over and over again, which of course I now as an adult, you know, feel a little bad about, but I remember telling her how much I didn't want to be an only child uh and how how much I wanted siblings. So I really liked growing up in a house with more, more kids than just myself.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Okay. And how was your relationship with your parents growing up?

SPEAKER_00 7:12

Yeah, so growing up, I was pretty close with both parents. I feel like my relationship with uh the dad who raised me was very, very close, especially when I was really, really little. Up until about maybe first grade age, uh, we were we were quite close. He stayed home with me as my mom worked. So we spent a lot of time together. My mom and I were pretty close, but it's kind of like a an opposite situation where I was close with both of them, but as I've grown up, I've gotten much, much closer to my mom and less close with um my dad. So yeah, I had a pretty close relationship with both of them until about first grade. Then that's when my dad sort of stopped having much to connect with me over. I think he didn't really know what to do with me after I was not so little anymore. So our relationship did become much less close. Um he was obviously still a part of my life, my parents were together, but yeah, we definitely weren't as close. Um, I also did grow up in a very conservative Christian environment, which, you know, definitely impacted my relationship with my parents and created like a lot of resentment, to be honest. Thankfully, my mom is no longer participating in that uh like lifestyle, and not neither am I. We've gotten really closer and have done a lot of healing since then. My dad still is pretty involved in that sphere. So that is definitely a bit of a a rift between us. And you know, like there's no no shame in believing what you believe. Um, I just think that sometimes, you know, extreme versions of any belief system can be really traumatic for kids. And that was definitely an unfortunate piece of how I grew up. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

I know what you're talking about. A lot of people do. Yeah. Are your parents still together?

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Oh man, they are not.

SPEAKER_01 9:14

Do you want me to get into you know what? It sounds like that might be further down the story. So, how how about I ask one more childhood question here? Of course. Okay. Did you have any warning signs that you were an NPE?

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Yeah, I it's funny. I love this question now because if you, I mean, obviously, before I found out, if you would have asked me, I don't know that I would have put it together and said yes, but now that I know, there are so many moments I look back on that stand out to me way more now. So I have very, very curly hair, like super curly, big hair. And I remember straighten it every day, um, as most of us millennials did for all of middle and high school, and always asking my parents, like, where the heck did this come from? And them saying, Well, your dad, when he was younger, had his hair was pretty curly. Like it looked like that. I was like, okay, I guess, I guess that makes sense. And there are other features, like I am very tall and I am, I have really, really long arms and legs. And growing up, it was super challenging to find clothes for me. And I remember crying as a kid numerous times over not being able to find clothes and always asking my mom, like, why is my body like this? Like, what where do I come from? Like, who else in our family looks like this? And I at the time, you know, growing up, I was like, well, these are just middle school thoughts. Everyone has challenges like with what they look like. Another thing that also ties in later, and it's kind of silly, is I have a very unique nose. It is, it, it's, it has character to it. And it is something that I grew up really, really not liking about myself and having so many questions about and asking my mom, like, what my mom is super beautiful. And I remember growing up asking her, like, why don't I look like you? Like, where did this come from? Like, and even asking in like elementary and middle school, well, when I grow up, can I, can you please help me get a nose job? Like, I don't understand why I look like this. So I had a lot of insecurities as a kid because I didn't have people in my life who resembled me. And I growing up, even as an adult, before I knew that I was donor-conceived, I just thought of those as typical middle school insecurities. You know, I didn't think of it as more than that. But now that I know where I come from, it all makes so much more sense that I was just looking for a resemblance and I couldn't find it anywhere. And it made me really insecure. Yeah, and one more thing that also has stood out to me since discovering that I'm donor-conceived is how I like thought about my own health. So the dad that raised me uh actually had a heart attack pretty young in his early 50s and always had high blood pressure. And I remember when he had his heart attack, he actually had to have open heart surgery and it was really, really intense. The doctor said, Yeah, like this level of heart disease is like 70% genetic, which was terrifying for me. I I was in my mid-20s when this happened, and I already had some anxiety about my health because my dad growing up had some other health issues. So I was constantly getting blood work done, and I was like, Well, I have to, I was I was always training for some sort of running situation because I was like, I have to keep my heart healthy, like I'm prone to heart disease. Um, my dad's mom died of lung cancer and breast cancer. Um, she had both. So I was very scared of getting cancer. And I I do remember like telling my parents, you know, oh, I got my blood work back, like my cholesterol is low, like I'm I'm feeling good, like everything's good. Um, but just always having this worry in the back of my head that I wasn't doing enough for my health because of the health of the dad who raised me. And yeah, I mean, obviously I'm sure we'll talk about this more, but I I don't have too much resentment towards my parents for not telling me sooner, but there are definitely moments, especially when it comes to the health stuff, where I'm like, man, like this was an opportunity to erase some anxiety for me. And and no one said anything.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Oh, wow, absolutely. Not, I mean, you didn't realize you didn't know your true medical history at the time, but just having that stress all the time, that underlying stress of this is in my paternal line, this is in my family medical history. That that is rings so true for us.

SPEAKER_00 14:16

Yeah. And I've heard and I and seen on Reddit and Facebook and all these groups I've joined, people having really similar experiences where one of the parents that raised them had a lot of health issues that they were concerned about for their entire life until they realized that things weren't as they seem. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Yeah. How did you find out you were an NPE?

SPEAKER_00 14:40

Yeah. So this is a bit of a story, as I'm sure it is for most folks. So fasten your seatbelt. No. So also I like to think that like humor can exist in these spaces, and we have to laugh sometimes because it's all just so wild. So if I'm laughing, it's not because I think it's a joke. It's because it's like sometimes so unbelievable and the only way to get through it. But yeah, so I and this is another piece of me thinking, now in retrospect, maybe there was like an intuitive part of me that knew something was off. I had been asking for um like an Ancestry or 23andMe like DNA kit for years for Christmas from my parents, and no one had ever gotten me it. And I thought that that was because it was too expensive. Um, and I really hadn't thought much about the fact that hmm, I've asked for this a few times and no one's gotten it for me. That's weird. But my boyfriend actually uh bought me a test two years ago, or almost it's two or three. Wow, I can't even remember. I think two years ago at this point, he got me one for Christmas, and it was supposed to be a surprise, but when it came in the mail uh in November, it came in like a branded package. So I saw it and it said like 23andMe all over the box, and I knew what it was. So I was really, really excited. It came in early November, and I my boyfriend was like, you know what? Like, let's see how long it takes to process. If you take it now, it it might be ready by Christmas and it'd be fun. Like we could share your results with your parents at Christmas. That could be a really cool experience. So I thought that was a great idea. I found out that if I took it in early November, I would definitely have the results by Christmas. So I did the sample and then I mailed it in. And a few weeks later, I went to visit my parents. Uh they live in a different state. I went to visit them for Thanksgiving. Um, my boyfriend could not take off work, so I was there alone. I have a job where I can work from home. So I brought my work stuff with me and was just planning to like spend five days with my parents, but work a few of those. So I got to town, everything seemed completely normal. I told them about the test the first day I was there and said, hey, like I'll have my results by Christmas. This will be really fun for us to look through together. We can look into our ancestry. Um, yeah, and just see where, see where we come from. And I thought it was a really cool opportunity for all of us. And again, no one acted, no one acted weird. It it was very, very normal. So I told them about it. Nothing stood out. We went on with our day. Um, I was working from home at their house uh at their kitchen table. And my dad also works from home. He came into the room and said, Hey, do you have a second? And I like looked at my calendar and was like, Yeah, I have a meeting in like 15 minutes, but I I have time right now. And he uh sat down with me and said, So if your mom thinks this is a big deal, and I know you won't think it's a big deal. And I just wanted to tell you um before she made something out of it, you know, made a bigger deal out of it than needed to be made. And he kept saying over and over again, I know you won't think it's a big deal. I know you won't think it's a big deal. And then he said, he like sits down and he says, When we had you, uh we used sperm mixing. And I something I didn't share earlier is that I grew up knowing that I was an IVF baby. My parents were super open about that. They tried for years, I think five years, a long time to get pregnant. Um, and there were lots of miscarriages. It was very traumatic for my mom, but I I was never told that donor sperm was used. So my dad sits down and says, We use sperm mixing to have you. Um, so there was like a donor involved, but you're still my kid, and um it that it doesn't, it really doesn't matter. And I I knew you wouldn't think it's a big deal, so I thought I'd just tell you now. And I mean, obviously, I was just floored and had never heard of sperm mixing, and you know, just there are so many questions that come to mind, and I I I was so surprised that none of them were coming out, and then he stood up and said, Don't tell your mom I told you. Um, it'll just upset her. Um, but I have to go back to work, and he left. Yeah. So I sat there and pulled up, pulled up a browser on the internet and started Googling sperm mixing and was finding all of these Reddit threads about people who were also born in the 90s, um, who were the product of sperm mixing, which I don't know if this has been talked about on your podcast before, but like basically it's a practice where if for a long time someone is trying to conceive and the sperm is the issue and it's not working back in the day, I don't think it's practiced anymore because of how unethical it is, um, or it's practiced a lot less. They would mix the dad's sperm with donor sperm to get the person pregnant, and then you technically could say that you didn't know who the father was, and you could blindly say that it was, you know, the the dad um in the situation. So it it was kind of like a I don't want to sound insensitive, but like kind of coddling the the man and saying, you know, we don't have to know. You don't have to say we can just guess that it's you who's the fogom if your wife gets pregnant from this sperm mixing experiment. So yeah, so I I found out a lot of stuff and you know, it it basically became obvious to me pretty quickly that I was likely from the donor. But yeah, so I was told not to tell my mom at this point in my life a few years ago. My mom and I are super, super close. So immediately I'm like, oh my God, like this, you know, it was very stressful because I'm in the house with her uh and him. And for the next few days, I am texting him while in the house with my mom, and I'm saying, please can we tell her? Like this feels super, super uncomfortable for me. Like, please can we sit down? He kept saying no over and over again. Um, and this texting is going on while we're like in the same room at times, and I'm just asking to have the conversation. Finally, on the last night that I was in town with them, um, I'm in the spare room doing whatever, I don't know. And my dad um came into the room and said, Hey, get ready to act. Your mom's coming in and we're gonna pretend to tell you. Um, and you should pretend you haven't heard it. So my mom came in the room and told me about using the donor sperm, and she did a really, really amazing job. It was exactly how I should have been told. She like apologized for not telling me sooner and also told me that if I had if we discovered I had siblings, like she would fully support me trying to meet them, like really wanted to help me connect with whoever I wanted to connect with, said she would call the clinic they used, just was being extremely supportive. My dad, at one point during that discussion. Like stormed out of the room when she brought up the siblings piece. Uh he was very upset by that and said that I wouldn't actually have siblings. They wouldn't, no one would be related to me. Um just a lot of denial. And when he left the room is when like she very realistically told me, like, I I need you to know that like I'm like a hundred percent sure you're from the donor. Like, I I don't want you to question it. Um, like I I don't think that the man who raised you is is your dad. Uh so I yeah, I I had that conversation with both parents. And I also will say that after that, I like I had called my boyfriend, and we had always joked that Dave, who raised me, was not my dad for many reasons. Um, but we had always said, like, there's just no way you're related. So it was really funny to call him and be like, dude, we like this joke, this ongoing joke we have is like an actual real thing. So after that discussion with my parents, we were sitting on the couch watching a movie together, acting normal. You know, I still didn't feel great because I had basically been lying and keeping a secret myself, like them. And after my dad went to bed, my mom turned to me and turned off the TV and said, I want you to know I know everything. And I was like, oh, like my heart like absolutely dropped to the floor. And she told me that during the movie, she had gotten up to make us popcorn, and my dad had left his phone open and unlocked on the kitchen counter to my text conversation with him. So she saw me saying, Please can we tell mom? Please can we tell mom? Uh so she she knew that he had told me without her. Um so subsequently, you know, I left town and this ended up leading to them getting divorced. You know, obviously, this wasn't the only reason. There's there's always way more to it, but this was definitely like the straw that broke the camel's back. So this big secret that my parents kept from me led to more secrets that ended up, you know, like ending their relationship. Yeah. So it was a lot of change all at once for me. And the moment I landed back in my state where I live, I actually got the 23andMe results like three weeks early, and they hit my inbox as soon as I hit, as soon as I landed back in the state. And I can pause there. I know this is a long story.

SPEAKER_01 24:48

I'm just listening to you with a lot of compassion for you. I do have to go back and say that when your dad telling you, your raising dad saying this, I I know you won't think this is a big deal. I I really didn't like him saying that to you. That felt, I don't, I don't know if that's his denial or if that was kind of a manu manipulation tactic, but it's almost like he didn't want you to have a reaction to it.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

Oh, yeah. And and that's something I've been obviously in therapy and you know, doing a lot of work around because this kind of opened up like the Pandora's box of that relationship and just brought attention to the fact that like my raising dad, and I I still love him, like two things can happen at the same time, and that's like a big part of my story. I I care for him, but you know, a big piece of our relationship is that for a lot of my life, he was very emotionally manipulative and and inappropriate towards me. There was a lot of confiding in me at a very young age, telling me to keep secrets. And I I realized that I had been almost primed for this situation by the time it happened. Uh the asking of like, don't tell your mom was really normal, so much so that it it I didn't think to even go tell her, and I could have, you know. So that manipulation, um, whether intentional or just due to like emotional immaturity or whatever you want to call it, was present for all of my life. And this situation definitely kind of like, you know, brought it to light.

SPEAKER_01 26:37

Yeah. Let's go into you're back in your home state, and why don't you continue with what happens from there and how you were feeling?

SPEAKER_00 26:49

Yeah. So this is where I swear this we all should just have movies about our individual experiences because so many crazy things happen. So this is where it gets even weirder. I land back in my state and get the notification that my results are in. I'm on the plane. Like, we're not even off of the plane. We're sitting on the tarmac and I like can't wait. Like, I'm I I like want to see it right then. So I like click the button to load the family tree. And the only close relative I have is a freaking half sister. And I like so yeah, so I'm floored because I've always wanted siblings, didn't know if I'd have any, but the craziest part was I knew her. We went to high school together.

SPEAKER_01 27:39

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

And her, and I like she's very private, so I will like I'm gonna try to like be pretty careful about how I word this. But her last name is the last name of like a really big family in my hometown. So I went to high school with her and her sister, which turns out to be my other half sister. So I have two half-sisters that I went to high school with. Um, they were both within like two grades of me. So we were there at the same time. So this wild, wild connection. Um, so yeah, her name came up, and I immediately was like, oh my God, like this is unbelievable. And that kind of sent me down the rabbit hole of like first knowing for certain, okay, I'm not related to the dad who raised me, obviously, because I have this half sibling. Um, but that sent me down the rabbit hole of creating a family tree and trying to find um my donor.

SPEAKER_01 28:37

So your half sister that showed up, she was raised with another sister who she's the same, same donor. Is that correct? Yes. Side question did they did that family purposely pick the same donor for their their two children?

SPEAKER_00 28:56

So I am assuming yes. Um, I don't know because it's a really complicated situation. Um, my half-sister doesn't, and I I like respect this, she does not really want anything to do with any of this, and she actually has not told our shared sister, her sister, uh, or her parents about any of it, which I come it's it's it's so different for every family. Um, and I I'm not gonna get into like all the dynamics there, but yeah, yeah, she has not shared with them. So I I don't know too many details of their story, and she actually doesn't either.

SPEAKER_01 29:34

Yep, I get it. And you're respecting her the way she chooses to play this out, and I think that's great of you to respect her wishes. But yeah, not everyone wants to go for a search like we do.

SPEAKER_00 29:46

Totally. And I and I also think that like part of the reason I was comfortable going on this journey was because I felt like a black sheep my whole life. And I don't think that was her experience, which was amazing for her. So I I wanted to find where I came from because I felt really different, you know, forever.

SPEAKER_01 30:06

So did you go searching for your donor?

SPEAKER_00 30:11

Yeah. So I actually, and I don't have TikTok anymore because it's far too addictive and I don't want to be on my phone that much. Um, but I did make a TikTok about my experience and finding out I had siblings I went to high school with, and it went it got some traction. It like went reasonably viral. And an organization reached out to me and said, hey, like we provide like the search angel services, and we think we can help you find him. So I gave them um all the info they needed, and yeah, they literally found the donor. I think it took like 36 hours. So it things went really fast. I mean, I I made this post and within a week I heard from them and found out who he was.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

Oh my goodness. Okay, how did that go?

SPEAKER_00 31:06

It was, I mean, it was wild. I mean, from the moment I saw a picture of him, I was just floored because of the similarities in our appearance. And then I found I did some digging of my own and found out he has a son, so I have a half-brother. And yeah, like it, I did some creeping on Facebook, and immediately the first picture I saw of him was him with a guitar. Yeah, and I, you know what I mean? Like this neither of my parents are musical, God bless. And I, yeah, all of his photos are of him like playing music, and he also like has a great like fashion sense and dresses pretty eccentrically, as do I, like this very artsy creative human. And I immediately like saw myself in him and almost couldn't believe it because I was like, am I just making up these connections because I I want it to be true? Like it was that unbelievable. Did you reach out to him? So I I did eventually, but I did wait. I waited about a year because I was trying to weigh, like, I didn't want to blow up his life, you know, because he has a kid and I I didn't know what their dynamic was. So I waited a while. And I also wanted stuff with my family, like this wild divorce situation, just all the trauma of the situation. I wanted it to settle a little more before adding more pieces to this crazy puzzle. So I waited a year and wrote a letter and did the thing with UPS where you can like you pay a little extra and then you get notified like when the person like they have to sign for it and you get notified when they receive the mail. Yeah. So yeah, I waited a year. I found their address, like a total stalker. Um, and I, yeah, I sent I sent a letter in the mail and I got the notification when they got it. Um they meaning the the donor and my brother. My brother's mom, like they're they're divorced, so she's not uh living with them. So it's just the two, the two guys living in the house together. And yeah, I got I got the notification when they got the letter, and I had put my phone number in it, and within 30 minutes of the UPS notification, I got texts from my brother and my donor. Oh, wow that were yeah, and they were literally so kind and amazing, and yeah, it was beyond anything I could ever expect. I thought for sure that my brother would be like, What the heck? Like, who is this girl? Like, what did my dad do? You know what I mean? Um, and I thought the donor would maybe be like kind enough and like cordial, but like they both immediately like were open to me as family, which was very crazy. And I know for some folks that'd be very overwhelming, but in a weird way, like, I think it's what I needed, and I didn't even know it.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

So, did the son know beforehand that his dad had been a sperm donor?

SPEAKER_00 34:27

No. And the really wild thing about it, um, which the clinic, I actually ended up calling the clinic uh on on my search before I found the donor. Um, the clinic said this too. So it's it's backed by like documentation. But my donor told me that he only donated for like three months when he was in college. And that made him think that it it was super unlikely that it ever led to anything. So he had not, he had told, you know, some people in his life, but had not told his son. But another like spooky coincidence is that he told me, he's like, You will not believe this. Like, I haven't talked about this in years because I never thought it would lead to anything. He had just told his best friend about donate about his donating sperm, like the weekend before. He was like, I just felt like I wanted to talk to someone about it. And he had not talked about it in years, and then a week later he gets this this letter from me.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Oh wow, chilling. Wow. Did you have a conversation with him about what you saw on your DNA results?

SPEAKER_00 35:41

We didn't talk about those things right away because I wanted to like protect my sister's privacy, uh, because she does not want to know the donor, which is super fair. Um, he actually, like, in his own Googling of me, found my video on TikTok. And then he messaged me and said, Hey, I think we should talk. I just saw a video of you saying you have siblings that you went to high school with. And I was like, Oh no, like I just outed her. Um, but we had a really amazing conversation, and he's very respectful of her privacy and was like, you um, he was like, I obviously like am here if she ever changes her mind and you can connect us, but I don't need to know anything else. So still able to like maintain like her her privacy with him, and he was really respectful about it.

SPEAKER_01 36:36

Yeah, no, I understand both you and your, I don't know, do you call him biological father? Is that comfortable for you?

SPEAKER_00 36:43

That's yeah, that's what it has become now.

SPEAKER_01 36:45

At first I was not sure, but of course, yeah, that's such a strange transition to a donor to biological father. It sounds like you guys are both very respectful of you know your half-sister, anyone else that doesn't want to be part of this process. But is it now you guys have could we say is you have a relationship with your biological father and your half-brother?

SPEAKER_00 37:14

Yeah, oh my gosh. Yes, we absolutely do. We and like I said earlier, like I know this is not a typical donor-conceived situation at all. And I acknowledge that like this would be really, really weird for some people and they would not like this, and others are probably envious that it has worked out for me this way, and I feel super, super grateful and lucky. But my biological dad and my brother were literally just here visiting last weekend. Um, that was like our second visit with one another, and it it the connection is unlike anything I've experienced in my life. Like I my brother is I've never felt anything like I feel when I'm with him. Like the the bond, the connection is so wild. They both are really incredible musicians, so we get to play a lot of guitar and listen to a lot of music when we're together. Um, we just have we just have a really, really great time, and the connection has just been so seamless. Like I it it doesn't feel real sometimes. And it honestly, until recently, would scare me every so often that it felt so natural. But I'm I'm like learning to be okay. Like sometimes things are just okay, like sometimes they're good, and that's all right.

SPEAKER_01 38:34

That's so crazy. You have this genetic mirroring, this resemblance, people that are biologically related to you, and this seamless connection that it must feel pretty nice.

SPEAKER_00 38:46

Oh, yeah. And it is funny too. Um, my bio-dad, he has the funky nose that I have been blessed with. And he told me that one of our first conversations on the phone was about like how we look similar. And we taught he brought up the nose and said, Oh my god, like, do you have this freaking nose? And we had a really good laugh about it because I didn't even have to say it for him to bring it up and ask if he had given me this nose situation. And it has become a bit of a joke between us. But also, like the beautiful thing is now that I see myself and this other person, like he's tall and like gangly like me. My brother has this like beautiful curly hair. I now that I see these parts of myself and other people, I appreciate them and like love them more. So it's it's been really, it's been really amazing. Yeah, just to like obviously make this connection, but also see these physical traits in other people too.

SPEAKER_01 39:50

Gosh, that's so crazy. I'm assuming your half-brother is younger than you. I'm just guessing.

SPEAKER_00 39:56

Yes, yeah, great guess. Yeah, he is six years younger than me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:02

And your biological father donated it in college years. So he was probably maybe between in his young 20s or even a teenager. We were at a conference last weekend and we were talking at length about sperm banks. And just I'm sure you are definitely in this community, so you know just how incredibly manipulative it is that they place themselves in either what one poor rural areas, military cities, or college campuses, always with the call it with the young men that have not, you know, their brains aren't fully developed, they're not thoroughly thinking through what's this going to be like in 10, 20, 30 years. It's it's it's really wrong, honestly.

SPEAKER_00 40:48

Yes. No, you've totally hit the nail on the head. And I'm sure he'll probably listen to this and we'll and we'll get to talk about it. But I think he he would tell you that he the reason he stopped donating after only a few months was he started having like these moments of, I don't know if it was panic, but like moments where he was like, oh shit, like yeah, I wasn't thinking big picture about this, and this could be really big later. Um yeah, he was a young college student when he was approached about it. Too young to be thinking about this stuff.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

Yes, and they're given cash. You don't actually think that your sperm will be used to create life. It it's it's yeah, it's incredibly manipulative, and I I I hope that legislation is passed about that one day, you know. That's but moving, yeah. Moving on, you're it sounds like you have this well, beautiful relationship, really nice relationship with your newfound biological family. Do you anticipate more siblings entering your life?

SPEAKER_00 42:00

So I think no. Yeah, but I like I wouldn't be shocked either way, I think. But I I lean towards probably not just based on how long he was donating. But I mean, this stuff is so unpredictable. I I can't give a solid answer.

SPEAKER_01 42:16

Yeah. I'm surprised there's already a few of you just with only three months of donating. It just goes to show how little we understand the process and what the clinics do with their donations.

SPEAKER_00 42:30

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:32

Yes, Alex. So do you have any words of wisdom or anything you want to share with someone else going through with this same thing?

SPEAKER_00 42:41

Yeah, I definitely do. So something I I think I mentioned a little earlier, but that I I try to think about and like have space for in my life is that there can be many different things existing at once. So you can have like these feelings of anger, maybe towards, you know, the parents that raised you for not telling you sooner, but you can also love them, which feels really conflicting. And then you sit and wonder which is the truth. And like I'm here to say, like all of it is, you know, all of it's the truth because it's your experience. And you don't have to pick one. You're allowed to feel all the feelings about the situation. Um, these are complicated situations and they include complicated feelings and lots of people's complicated feelings. And I also want to say, and this is like more a little more opinionated, but like, you are not wrong for wanting the truth. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to know where you came from and for seeking out the truth, even if the people who raised you don't want you to do it. We're human and we want to know where we came from and we deserve it.

SPEAKER_01 43:52

I love that so much. Alex, if people wanted to get in touch with you or know more about your story, could they do that?

SPEAKER_00 44:00

Yeah, absolutely. So I primarily on my Instagram uh have just started sharing a little bit about my story. I'm still like I still try to be a little careful just because I want to like maintain the privacy of certain people in my life. Um, but yeah, I actually recently made a post about my situation that got a lot of attention. And I was able to have some really awesome conversations with other donor-conceived and NPE folks uh about their situations and just like share mutual support and admiration for one another's journeys. So if anyone wants to reach out to me, um, Instagram is like my preferred means, and you can send me a message. My Instagram is bedhead underscore babe. The big hair is it's everywhere. So yeah, B-E-D-H-E-A-D underscore babe.

SPEAKER_01 44:53

I love that. I will put the link in for your Instagram handle down below. Thank you so much, Alex, for coming on today. It has just been a pleasure listening to your story, and you you have such a nice voice. So I I'm gonna have to look up your band as well.

SPEAKER_00 45:09

Oh my gosh, I'm so flattered. It's very different when I'm singing, so it's nice to hear that it sounds good when I'm speaking. It's been really great talking to you.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

These stories are here for us to identify with. If you are an NPE and would like to share your story, email npestories at gmail.com. You do not have to give any identifying information. If you are an NPE and would like to share your story, I'd like to hear from you. Subscribe to this podcast to hear more. Come heal with us.