Rich Relationships Refuge with Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to really explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing.
This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others. Many individuals don't have room in their hearts or life for people due to unforgiveness, regret, shame, and uncommunicated expectations. Rich Relationships Refuge is an experience with principles to learn.
There are tools to use with an emphasis on building, repairing, and restoring relationships with individuals and families in a safe community environment that will stand in a world that's falling apart. Gil and Renée are originally from Detroit, Michigan. Their relationship started with Renée rolling the pencil off her desk and Gil picking it up. They never knew such a small act would create a 37-year legacy of love.
Gil and Renée were only 21 when they happily committed to until death do us part. Gil retired from the Air Force, and Renée is a former salon owner who has been an entrepreneur and now an author for over 30 years. They have lived in over 13 cities throughout the United States and Germany. They are proud parents to an amazing and talented daughter,
Aharon (pronounced like Sharon, except with an A). After a family tragedy, they also adopted Renée's little sisters (Carmen and Monique).This couple has helped many other couples establish a new habit of love to strengthen their marriage relationship through their tested relationship tools and principles and as marriage facilitators through the Prepare and Enrich Marriage program. Rich Relationship Refuge with Gil & Renèe podcast is back and ready to move forward and deeper into our relationship strengths and growth areas.
Let's get empty of the pain from our past, unforgiveness, resentment, shame, and uncommunicated expectations. Our mission is to empower singles and couples to experience greater intimacy and fulfillment in their relationship with God, themselves, food, and money. This year our podcast will feature individuals and small business owners regarding their impact in these four areas. Gil and Renèe are looking forward to serving you and your relationships. Remember, you are more than enough! Now let's learn to live like it together! https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
Rich Relationships Refuge with Gil & Renée
Transform Your Relationships by Understanding Your Communication Style
This podcast episode focuses on understanding the various communication styles within relationships and how these styles impact interaction dynamics. By identifying your communication style—whether Thinker, Director, Feeler, or Visionary—listeners can better navigate their relationships and foster deeper understanding with their partners.
• Explanation of the four communication styles: Thinker, Director, Feeler, Visionary
• Importance of recognizing one’s own communication style
• Examples of how different styles communicate in practical scenarios
• Discussion of the strengths and growth areas for each style
• Emphasis on learning and growth in communication for healthier relationships
• Engagement with listener questions and feedback
RICH RELATIONSHIPS REFUGE
Meet: Gil & Renée
Rich Relationships Refuge podcast with Gilbert J and Renée M. Beavers is fantastic because it's the best place to explore the reality of relationships — the good, the bad, and the painful and confusing. This podcast helps to illuminate what it means to be intimate with others and what it teaches people about them. It will make you want to strive for a kinder, more fun relationship with others., This a place where love flourishes, bonds deepen, and relationships thrive. We're Gil and Renee, authors, and marriage coaches, and we're honored to walk alongside you on your journey towards a rich and fulfilling partnership.
In a world where relationships can feel like a maze, we believe in providing you with the compass and map to navigate the path of love with confidence and grace. Whether you're single and seeking, newly dating, or preparing for marriage, our app is your sanctuary—a refuge where you can find guidance, support, and inspiration every step of the way.
https://www.richrrmarriagementors.com/book-online
Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil and Renee, where amazing things happen.
Speaker 2:Our goal is to help build, prepare and restore healthy relationships.
Speaker 1:My name is Renee and I'm Gil from the Rich Relationship.
Speaker 2:Refuge, and today we're going to show you about your communication style. You got your phone out, babe, yes, okay. So we have an app. It's called Marriage Mentors, rich RR. Today we're going to show you about your communication style. You got your phone out, babe, yes, okay. So we have an app. It's called Marriage Mentors, rich RR, and we have already gone through and done our assessment. So I know what my communication style is and we're going to show you what it looks like on the app. So, if you haven't already gone onto the app and gotten your communication style, the app is called marriage mentors, rich rr.
Speaker 2:And um, my communication style. There's four different types and I know this may be something that's new to a lot of you all. We want to make sure that we're showing you how your communication, what it looks like in real world. So my communication style is I am a director and we're going to explain what that is, but we're going to give you some examples of what it looks like, so give us in the app right now. This is what it looks like in the app store. And, babe, what's your communication?
Speaker 1:style. I am a thinker as you can see.
Speaker 2:it says that it shows you what you are, and so we're going to give you some examples of what it looks like in a conversation when you have a director and a thinker. We're going to show you that next, but first we're going to show you what the communication styles all look like.
Speaker 1:So when you actually do the assessment through the app, once you finish with it, it actually is going to give you some breakdowns of the communication styles. So everything that we're going to be going through today is actually going to be shown and that you can actually see here in the assessment that you actually get through the app that actually is going to break down some, through the app that actually is going to break down some of the things that we're going to actually be talking about today?
Speaker 2:Yes, because we're going to describe what they are, excuse me, and we're also going to show you their growth, their strengths and their growth areas.
Speaker 1:But why don't we talk a little bit about why they are?
Speaker 2:important. Okay, so we're going to talk about why we're doing it this way now, because we used to do a lot more where we were talking about topics and talking about different things you need to know. But we realized that we have gotten so many calls from couples in need and it has been a lot of guys calling us calls from couples in need. And it has been a lot of guys calling us. And so I said, babe, why don't we show people how to, versus telling them what, when and but show them how to. And so our videos are not going to be geared more towards showing you how to communicate, but we want to start off with you knowing your communication style, because we realize that most of the struggles that we have in relationships start with us, and so if I don't know my communication style, I definitely don't know my husband's communication style. So we want to make sure we're starting off here with you knowing your own personal communication style so, when you think about your communication style, why is that actually important?
Speaker 1:it's important because you tend to communicate with people in your style. So, for instance, if you are a director, you're going to be more direct in how you actually talk to people. If you're a thinker, you're going to be more analytical in what you think. And then guess what? You're going to actually communicate to that person in your style, which means they may not get it or they may get a little frustrated with you because you kind of give them way too much information. Or, as a director, you may be a little bit too direct in what you're saying. The visionary is the type that actually goes through and always talking about the pie in the sky, and always talking about the future and things like that and the vision.
Speaker 1:Well, sometimes you want the details, you know so. And then the the feeler.
Speaker 2:The feeler, I love to say the feeler is like music. They're kind of all over the place. They kind of are really in tune.
Speaker 1:They're very social, and so we want to make sure that we explain what they all are, and so you want to show them what they are actually and yeah, as we go through some of the scenarios and some of the things that we wanted to talk about, we actually talk about it from the perspective of visuals.
Speaker 2:I'm a visual learner so when we have the visual learning things.
Speaker 1:We actually built some signs and that we're actually going to be talking. And while we're talking, we're going to show you what the style is, and you'll maybe hear some of the things that are being said that actually correspond with the style. So when you hear it, you're like so that's why it makes sense, so that's the thinker, that's the director, that's the visionary, and then we're going to be talking. That's the thinker.
Speaker 2:So I said it thinker, thinker, visionary, director and feeler yes, and so we're going to give some scenarios, we're going to kind of do some role playing. We kind of have some little things written out and so basically, the reason why we thought this was important, because so many times, okay, you hear that, but what does it look like in real life. So the first ones we're going to be doing, um is going to be the thinker and it's going to be a thinker to a thinker. So the people these are going to be two thinkers talking to each other, and so and so this one.
Speaker 1:We're going to use the scenario of like if you're planning a vacation, if you get ready to go on a vacation, a planner may say things, a thinker a thinker may say things like they would go into detail about when it comes to the vacation itself and saying hey, babe, I think we should go on the vacations, and before we go, I've sat down and I analyzed the cost, I did a lot of the research and I thought about some of the places that we should go, because it's important to think about the budget when we decide where we want to go, just so we can have a good time. But we can also know where we're going and how we're going to get there, and it's going to be very more detailed in the planning.
Speaker 2:And then um, and Renee's response that sounds very logical, but are we going to leave some time out for relaxation?
Speaker 1:very logical, but are we going to leave some time out for relaxation? So I hear what you're saying, but I'm going to be more focused on the analytical and the, the actual deals and how, the, the planning side of things. So it's going to be very thinking oriented and what's so important when you think about or you talk to someone that is a thinker, those are things that you have to be conscious of, that they are going to be focused on the details of things when they are talking the budget, the schedule, staying on time, making sure that the list, everything is checked off of the list those are the kinds of things that a thinker would would be very concerned about.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about another scenario with the thinker. We're still talking about the thinker Gil, have you thought about us getting that new car that?
Speaker 1:new vehicle. Well, again, hey, babe, I've been doing a lot of research and I've been thinking about the cost of what it's going to take to go from the vehicle that we're in to the next vehicle, and I'm thinking that, based on that, these are the things that I want. I want good gas mileage. I want it to be economical for repairs. I want it to actually be cheap to insure. I'm going to provide Renee with a lot of the details of the things that I'm actually thinking about.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And then it says, as long as it works. I think we should just move on and just get past the whole thinking process, the whole part of the process of making the decision.
Speaker 1:And I would understand that. But I'm still going to do the research and I may be slow to pull the trigger of buying the new vehicle because I'm doing so much research. Again, we're talking about the thinker, the thinker.
Speaker 2:And so what we want to do now is we want to tell you some of the growth areas and some of the strengths. So these are the strengths of the thinker, the thinker, and so what?
Speaker 2:we want to do now is we want to tell you some of the growth areas and some of the strengths. So these are the strengths of the thinker Go ahead, okay. They're good at putting things in order, they take time and they have a talent for prioritizing and problem solving. They make objective, logic-based decisions, they tend to be brief and business-like, they value accuracy and precision, they treat people fairly, they follow policies and rules and they are good at problem solving.
Speaker 1:Now, why is all this important for you to know when we talk about it from the growth area? Because when we talk about growth, the strengths or the strengths, I'm sorry, the strengths of someone that is a thinker is because you want to know, and the more information you have about how they process the information, it's going to be easier for you to understand where they're coming from. But just like we have strengths, we actually have growth areas and things that we have to be thinking about. As a thinker I can be overly cautious about sometimes and I can be actually slow to make decisions when it comes to anything, because I'm always thinking about as much as I possibly can to make the best decision.
Speaker 1:Yes, I see Renee smiling because she knows what it is. We were going over this and talking about this information and we were like, okay, wow, this, when you talk about it, we already know this. But when you talk about it, it reinforces and it kind of say, yeah, that's me, I have to might not see the forest for the trees I might miss the forest for the trees?
Speaker 1:yes, absolutely, and sometimes you can actually hurt others with your feelings. Why does that? Why is that important? Because if I'm always thinking about the plans, I can actually miss the intent and the people of what I'm actually talking about, and we might not give enough positive. People who are thinkers tend to see the negative a lot easier of a situation than they do a positive, and then we have a knack for remembering the policies and hearing to the rules and the attention to detail, and you know so.
Speaker 2:Those are some of the things that you have to think about when it comes to a thinker, a thinker so we gave you two scenarios so you can kind of see how, when you're talking to a thinker, how a thinker communicates.
Speaker 1:So a thinker is going to communicate with long drawn out thoughts, thought process so you think about that when, just like what we're trying to do here is give you the how, when you are, if you realize that you are a thinker type of communicator, that's something that you've got to be consciously aware of, because you're going to communicate in your style, so we thank you for all the the thumbs up.
Speaker 2:Right there, you guys are here, if you got any questions, put them in the chat.
Speaker 1:Put them in the chat and we're just sharing the information with you. But if you think of something that's actually beneficial, that you want to actually talk about, by all means just put it in the chat yes, and next one. The next one is directors the director all my directors, all the people who are just as they say straight no chaser. The next one. The next one is Directors, the directors, all my directors, all the people who are just as they say straight no chaser.
Speaker 2:This is you, so if you are a, director in your communication style. We're very direct.
Speaker 1:And you know, she say we I am a director. Yes, renee is a director.
Speaker 2:I'm a director, so here she goes with her scenario of what it may look like in real world, and this is probably how I really would do it too. Yeah, hey, babe, we're ordering, we're planning an event and I got everything together. I got everybody's name done, I got all the pros figured out, everybody.
Speaker 1:I know what everybody needs to do, and so would you handle setting up the table, sure I'm actually going to set up the table and, as as I think about remember, I was a thinker I'm, as I think about, yes, getting the table set up, I'll take care of it and I'll get it done, like right now.
Speaker 2:OK, well, make sure you keep it. So it's like I'm going to be focused, you're going to be focused on the details and I'm going to be focusing on making sure that everything is done and straight to the point, and a lot of times I don't want to get a lot of details, I'm thinking about just the bottom line.
Speaker 1:And by that I'm going to make sure that, as we do this, I'm going to make sure that we are keeping things moving along in a fashion that's going to be accomplishing what we set out to do when it comes to the overall, the goal.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we'll use another one. Another one is we need to get the roof repaired. Hey, babe, the roof needs to be repaired, and so I've gotten some people together, and whoever gets in touch with us first is going to be the person we're going to use.
Speaker 1:How about this? We don't waste a lot of time when it comes to researching and doing all the things of who's going to do the work. How don't we just figure out and get it done as soon and as fast as we possibly can?
Speaker 2:I think that would be good. So let's do that, and let's not waste time on thinking about all the ways that things can go wrong, and so let's just move forward and make the decision so we need to be get it done, get it moving, so we can get this roof repaired and we can move on yes, I would like that, so as we talk about the director and we're talking.
Speaker 2:In these scenarios, this is a director talking to a director. So right now, this is just two directors talking to each other, and so some of the strengths of a director they're resourceful and determinate.
Speaker 1:They actually are practical and they are very down to earth in what they think and what they feel they're very talented at getting things done.
Speaker 2:they make decisions quick, based on facts and past experiences. Focus on actions, results and rewards Easy. Enjoy the present moment, work steadily and realistic, without taking account of long-term results. So just like.
Speaker 1:those are some of the positive attributes when you think about somebody who's their director, because they're going to get things done in a quick and a timely fashion. But just like you have the strengths, you actually have some growth areas that can become obstacles when you talk about your communication styles. They can be very impulsive in how they say and get things done.
Speaker 2:They can be very competitive and normally I would say for me as a director, I'm competing with my last project. I'm not competing with another person, I'm competing with my last project that I completed they can be very aggressive.
Speaker 1:They can be very aggressive, they can be very impatient, they can disregard the long term consequences of their actions and their decisions and under stress they may alienate other people, and that's a real deal, because if you are a director, will be more inclined to just take care of it themselves, especially when it comes to something that they want done in a quick and in a timely fashion. They may be poor listeners and they often interrupt when somebody is talking because they actually want to get their point across, and they might create messes that other people actually have to clean up, and that's only because they are so focused on the bottom line and getting it done. It's those details that get overlooked and missed. That can also cause a problem long term.
Speaker 2:So that's what the director actually looks like.
Speaker 1:So these are our directors. So when we talk about this, what we're sharing with you guys today is the communication styles that you can find If you're just joining us. We're talking about the communication styles of individuals that you can find on our app called Marriage Mentors Rich Relationships. So this is actually an assessment that you can actually do to help you become not only aware of, but also what you can actually do when it comes to communicating with the other.
Speaker 2:Now, if you guys have some scenarios or questions you want to ask, please feel free to communicating with the other. Now, if you guys have some scenarios or questions you want to ask, please feel free to put in the chat. We're going to have a time where we're going to do that, but right now we're just trying to go through all of them so you guys can see, maybe understand, what your communication style is, and then we're going to show you right now we're just showing you that each communication style to the same communication style, and then next we're just showing you that each communication style to the same communication style, and then next we're going to show you them to each other and then we're going to let you guys ask questions and really engage you guys as far. So, keep you thinking about questions. You have things you want to know. If there's someone you think needs to be watching this, share it with them, having to come on and join us right now because we are live and we are going to, you know, answer your questions and, um, give some example.
Speaker 2:You get asked questions and we'll give you some examples. So the next one is now. These are not. Most people have a secondary and a primary, and so my primary is a director, my secondary is visionary. What's your secondary? Uh, feeler? Yes, okay, so we're gonna.
Speaker 1:What's the next one?
Speaker 2:so the next one is we did the director, we did the thinker. The next one is the. I want to say it's the feeler the feeler boom.
Speaker 1:So all where my feelers at, this is all you, this is just for you. This is what maybe a conversation may sound like as you're going through and how you can actually apply this to your relationships. When it comes to this, how about when you're planning a get together? So, hey, babe, I was thinking about inviting some people over to the house and have a good time, just hang out for the weekend. How do you think they are all feeling when they're about doing it?
Speaker 2:Well, I think that we need to check in with them and make sure that everybody is going to be OK and everyone is going to be doing well emotionally.
Speaker 1:You know what that probably makes sense, that we would actually want to check with them before and just to make sure they are actually available and so uncomfortable and that they actually feel welcome.
Speaker 2:I think that would be really important, yeah, so this is a feelers.
Speaker 1:So how about we share some of this? Before we go to scenario two, let's go through the strengths, so they can hear some of the things that we actually talk about. So the strengths of a feelers.
Speaker 2:Oh, they're talent for empathizing and creating harmony, are naturally friendly and have a good sense of humor, take the intentions of others into consideration and they treat each person uniquely.
Speaker 1:Now, just like that. You have those strengths, but there are some growth areas that feelers have to be conscious of when it comes to communicating. In their feelings, they can overly personalize situations. They make things very personal when it may not be. Their relationships can have cloudy judgment. You know their relationships can be cloudy judgments. They might overlook the important details because they're only thinking about how something feels versus how it actually needs to be handled.
Speaker 1:The lack of planning can actually cause disorganization. Again, if you're always thinking about your feelings, about every situation and every time you communicate, there are going to be some details and some disorganization. That is usually going to be the byproduct of some of the things that may happen when it comes to communication, and you may this is something that is actually. You may spend too much time socializing. Sometimes. You have to get straight to the details. Don't always be so focused on the relational aspect of your communication than it is, forgetting about what you actually want to accomplish. And if you ask a feeler, how are you Just guess what they're going to actually tell you probably more than you ever wanted to know about how they actually feel.
Speaker 1:So these are some of the things to think about as we talk about the scenarios of what feelers actually go through.
Speaker 2:And so we're going to talk about a scenario where we're helping a friend through a tough time. You know, Lisa has been going through a real rough patch. I think we need to do something to support her.
Speaker 1:You know that actually makes sense. Why don't we kind of reach out to her and see how we can support her and see what we can do to help her when it comes to what she's going through?
Speaker 2:I think that would be good, and we need to make sure we also ask her what she needs and what are some of the things that we can do that would support her.
Speaker 1:But I think we also got to make sure we create a safe space for her to be able to share and open up about how she feels and what's really going on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that would be really good. It'll maybe help her with the decision-making process.
Speaker 1:So good It'll make me help her with the decision making process. So that's how something that you can approach somebody who's a feeler and thinking about how their communication style. So we've already shared with you the director, the thinker, the feeler. And as you think about these and hear these, think about the people that are in your life and whether it's your significant other, your spouse, or even your children, or even your friends and extended friends, think about what their communication styles are and some of the characteristics and some of the traits and attributes that we've described here. As we're sharing this in this, this session of the rich relationship, live how to, the how to, we're gonna focus more on that, and so the last one is the visionary all my visionary people.
Speaker 1:These are the people who are way up there, always thinking about the future.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know I've been brainstorming about a new project, about a ministry for couples. You know that we could probably really really help them and it could make a big impact in the future.
Speaker 1:You know that's a good idea, but I also think we have to sit down and think about what is it that we really want to accomplish with them when it comes to what the vision looks like, what the actual ministry is actually going to be?
Speaker 2:Okay, I love that. I think that we should start planning and see how we can bring it to life.
Speaker 1:So my visionary people.
Speaker 1:How about I share some of the excuse me, some of the strengths of a visionary? They seem to see into the future and are good at long-term, long-range plans, just like all the things that we've been doing with Rich Relationship. Renee is very good at that. This is her secondary, because it's always future leaning, future focus, future looking at you actually learn to love new skills. If you're a visionary, you love to learn new skills. You have a great imagination and you focus on how things can be improved and you're able to identify creative solutions in a fresh way.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So you know, just like a coin, there's a flip side to that. But we're going to give you another scenario and then we'll give you the growth areas. Oh, we did two, we already did the two the project and we did the Nope. We didn't do that, Dreaming about the future.
Speaker 1:Yeah, dreaming about future goals.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I really want to create a program for couples where you can go away and do retreats.
Speaker 1:You want to do retreat. Well, that's a good bonding experience. That may be a good idea where we can think about what steps do we need to take to actually get there.
Speaker 2:Well, you can think about that, and then I'm going to plan all the details of what that would look like for the future to plan all the details of what that would look like for the future.
Speaker 1:How about we sit down and come up with a plan that we'd actually can sit down and look at what that vision may look like in reality? Okay, I think that would be great so that's something that it may sounds right, but then you have some growth areas that you may want to focus on too.
Speaker 2:You want to share that with them yes, so these are some of the growth areas of the visionary. Uh, visionaries can be absent-minded and scatterbrained because they're always thinking about the future and not the present. Um, they're, they're. They have long-term vision with short-term action. They avoid the nitty-gritty and hate prolonged deadlines. Um, they're very hard to read. They may come across as superior, arrogant or conceited, may have a hard time following up on tasks and may procrastinate.
Speaker 1:That's actually a big one procrastination, because if you think about procrastinating, even in a communication scenario of where you are putting off a conversation that you may need to have with someone, that can cause a problem long term with someone in their communication style.
Speaker 2:So and the reason why we want to show it from, because if you listen to the scenarios we're using it's ideal, you know we're we're both agreeable and we're not disagreeing, and it's not. There's no escalation, because all we want to show you in this is to show you what the communication style looks like. Gil is a thinker. Yes, I am a director. He is secondary feeler, I am secondary visionary, and so this week we're just talking about communication styles, but next week we're going to talk about what communication is, because one of the things that was mentioned about the visionary is they can be aggressive, and we always talk about there's never need to be aggressive, we should only be assertive. And so, in real life, when we have situations, we want to help you to get the foundation of knowing your communication style and then normal communication is, and then go into conflict resolution, because do you understand why this is so important in helping us to have better communication and have? Because without communication you won't have good conflict resolution.
Speaker 2:And what we're seeing is so many times couples are struggling and they think that it's a problem with money, when really it's how they communicate, it's how they think about money, because you may see it one way.
Speaker 2:I may see it another way. So we want to make sure that we're showing you how to. Well, how do you, as a director and a thinker, how do you come up with the budget? You know how do you do those things? Well, we sit down and we talk about it, and I already know that gil is going to be thinking about things I don't think about and I'm going to be thinking about the big picture and saving and so a part of it where you can go into an understanding that you're going to see it different, then it makes it a little bit easier for you. That automatically kind of, because I think some of the escalation comes from just not knowing and not understanding and so when you don't understand your own communication style, it can make it really difficult to really navigate that with someone else yep, so we talked a little bit about these communication styles in just a made-up situation or something like that.
Speaker 1:but we're going to share with you guys our style and how we actually have navigated some of the things and some of the choices and decisions, and we're going to have our little signs up, because renee is a director and, if I'm a thinker, this is how it actually looks like because, remember, you tend to communicate in your style to other people, but I think the problem is that you expect for the other person to communicate back to you in your style.
Speaker 2:And I'm not going to communicate back to him in his style. I'm going to communicate to him in my style. And so when I understand that he's going to communicate in his style, I'm going to communicate in my style. Then that way it kind of sets up so these little signs make it easier. But in real life you don't have these signs. But through the years we have learned that he's going to be thinking and I'm going to be directing.
Speaker 1:So, just like the scenario we used already about the new car, this is something that we were thinking about. Hey babe, I'm thinking about us getting a new car.
Speaker 2:And one of the things we always tell our couples whenever we always look at each other.
Speaker 1:We normally do, but we know we're talking to you guys.
Speaker 2:Just remember that whenever we're having a conversation, we're always looking at each other, because that's really important to give the other person full eye contact and your undivided attention.
Speaker 1:Not this. Yeah, babe, I hear you, I hear you yeah that's a no, no Okay. So if we're thinking of, I'm actually going to be jumping back and forth.
Speaker 2:We just explained it.
Speaker 1:Thinking about buying a new car and I've actually started doing research on actually what is the best economical way, what is going to be the long-term, something that we can keep for a little while, something that's going to be cost-effective when it comes to long-term maintenance effective when it comes to long-term maintenance. I'm going to be providing her with a lot of the details of the research, of what I'm thinking about, not because I'm trying to convince her, but I'm trying to talk out the things that I'm thinking about. That's going to help me make a decision when it comes to buying this new car.
Speaker 2:And in the beginning it drove me crazy because I was like oh my gosh, why so so many words?
Speaker 1:just tell me what you want so and so she would say that, but maybe not in that matter I wouldn't say it. I would just say that's a lot yes but what would some of your responses be just like? If I come to you with that, if I came to you with just the details of this new car that I'm thinking about getting and all that?
Speaker 2:one of the things I know about gil if he's come to me and telling me something, he has already done a whole, whole, whole, because he kind of mentioned it casually. Hey, babe, you want a new car.
Speaker 1:I was like no, and how long ago was that?
Speaker 2:It was about a few months ago, a few months, so he was trying to plant the seed in my head that I needed a new car. I was like I want a new car.
Speaker 1:I'm good. But again, it helps me to talk things out to her, just so I feel like I'm looking at all the different obstacles or different situations and different circumstances. But, just like Renee said, that can be frustrating to her. If I'm a thinker and I'm talking to a director where she wants the bottom line, she would probably prefer me to say hey, babe, we're getting a new car, this is the one that I want us to get, this is why I want us to get it and this is a time frame I want us to get it in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I guess I mean, the thing that he said that got me was it's electric. So, and the thing that he said that got me was it's electric, I said, oh see, you should have led with that, because I am like super, super, super cheap, and so if he would have just led with, hey, babe, I'm thinking about getting an electric car.
Speaker 1:Oh, ok, see, but me I have to talk it out. So if you are a communicator, and when you're communicating in your style to someone else, sometimes remember those growth areas. All the details can be overwhelming and frustrating.
Speaker 2:And this is why I said in the short, I said what if your communication style is a trigger for the other person? Not the communication style itself itself, but the growth area? Sometimes gill's growth areas trigger my growth areas, because if I have to learn how and the thing that is so funny about this, because when I was really really studying this and going through it, one of my biggest growth areas is being impulsive and one of his biggest growth areas is that he is slow to make decisions overly cautious to make decisions.
Speaker 2:I said, oh my gosh. I said so. Just learning this kind of stuff gives you insight into the other, to yourself and the other person and then you start understanding. Oh so that's why that bothers me. It's not him, it's me. And so the more you understand your growth areas, because most of the time.
Speaker 1:We know our strengths, you know we know all the good things.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, I'm young, I'm good, I'm good at making decisions and I'm talented about getting things done yeah, but we need to focus on the growth areas, and the thing that I'm always very conscious of is being aggressive, because we first started dating I was super, super aggressive, and so I, I and I still have to be mindful, because that's in here and so and I would even say to that over the years we I have learned to navigate and not not confuse Renee's normal, the way she communicates with her heartful intentions of being aggressive towards me.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:And this is the thing. These are your communication styles. This is not your character, this is not your personality. This is just the way you communicate. We haven't even gotten to all of that. We're just talking about your communication.
Speaker 1:So just the way you use your words and put them together in sentences can be a problem in relationships and the reason why we're actually doing this in this manner is we get a lot of calls and renee we're just talking about this over the last couple weeks that we've gotten a lot of calls over the last couple of weeks about how to fix things when things have gone off track. Well, if you're aware of things before they get off track, or you're conscious and you're insightful into the things that can be problems before they are problems, it can help you long because they we don't want you to get to the point where you say, how do I fix it? Well, the way you fix it is by being proactive in your approach to things, and especially when someone you're in relationship with.
Speaker 2:The one of the greatest way for you to fix it is to work on you yep one of the things that I think that people don't share enough about marriage and good relationships is I am constantly focusing on what I need to do better to grow and mature and get better, and I'm reading the Bible every day and I'm reading books and I'm asking you and if you're not doing that, that's what makes relationships erode. You have to be doing a real serious look at. You have to be very aware of what you bring to every relationship. That is unhealthy and it work like I know, okay, so I'm impulsive, okay, so how do I work on that? You know?
Speaker 2:Let's just I would use an example procrastination. That's something I struggle with for a lot of years, so you know what I tell myself now. Now means it gets done later, means I forget. That's not something you made me do. I have to do it. So if I'm working on what I need to work on because I know the areas where I'm struggling, I'm impatient, I disregard long-term consequences. I'm giving you an example of what that means. If you know, if you don't pay the light bill today, the lights is going to be turned off. Guess what? That's a part of the way you're communicating. That's affecting the way you do things, and so the more you are aware of how you communicate and how it affects you as a person, then the more you're going to say you know. And then, when I know mine, then guess what I can learn his.
Speaker 1:But just knowing mine is enough to really make our relationship better and one thing that I want to, before we go on to the other two, is the community, excuse me, communication is probably the one topic that everybody would probably willing to say that they can do and that they have been doing, because just because we're talking don't mean we're necessarily communicating effectively, and this is all a part of a learned skill. That you actually can do when it comes to your communication is become a student of the other styles, because that's going to make you more diverse when you communicate and interact with other people outside of your style, if that makes sense yeah, and that's so important, so we got the so director and the thinker and you got the visionary and the feeling, and these are our secondaries.
Speaker 1:These are our secondary ones when it comes to each other and in our communication style. So we're going to talk about it in the perspective of how about this? A new business venture, from a visionary's perspective?
Speaker 2:Well, of course, I have this thing that I want to do. That's bigger than what I'm thinking about, and I think that has been probably something that I have had to learn. Hey, babe, you know what I want to do? I want to build a tiny community Because I want to make sure that everybody that we love and care about have some place to live that's affordable and that's nice, and they get to go to good schools.
Speaker 1:That's a great idea and remember, I'm going to vacillate between my primary, which is a thinker, and a feeling. I agree with that 100% because that pulls on my heartstrings to know that people don't have a place to live. They should have a place to live, that's nice.
Speaker 1:That's nice, but it's also safe and all those things that actually make sense, and I love that you have the vision for that, but you also have to think about what is it going to take for us to get there? What are some of the things that we're going to have to do and accomplish? Maybe we're going to have to change in order for that to come to pass.
Speaker 2:Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1:So thinking about my feelings and how it feels is one thing, but I go back to the long term thinking process of my primary Right. Because when you, because it's both of these married right, because when you, because it's, it's both of these. So so, if these are ours, we're going to go back and forth, depending on the topic, the situation, the conversation, the circumstance, your mood, how you feel the time of day, what you're going to talk about if you're hungry, if you're angry, if you lost.
Speaker 2:All those things affect your communication. So when you're interacting with another person, there's a lot of moving parts and a lot of dynamics that you don't are not aware of in the background. So if you're always thinking about the fact that you have two styles that you go between and this other person has two, so it is.
Speaker 1:So when it's two people, it's really four different dynamics you have to take into consideration, and so if you go into a kind of understanding that it makes it, I think it allows you to give each other grace absolutely, and I want to give you guys a scenario and we have things written down, but we just feel like, as we're talking to you guys, things are coming to our mind and real scenario, real life, real life moment when we move here back to San Antonio. It was a stressful time, remember, I'm a feeler. This is my secondary. I started having feelings of anxiety and trouble sleeping and all those are feelings, guess what.
Speaker 1:Even though I was in my head, this is how I was actually feeling. And if I come to Renee with my feelings and trying to communicate to her how I felt about this upcoming move, all the things that we had to do and all the things that we were trying to accomplish, with what it takes to move cross country, it can be very stressful.
Speaker 2:So I'm always thinking about the feelings.
Speaker 1:So if I'm talking to her from a feeling perspective, it can be challenging and it can be difficult.
Speaker 2:But I think a part of what I've had to learn is feelings are feelings. Feelings aren't facts. Feelings, feelings aren't facts.
Speaker 1:And so what I try to do when you come to me and you have a whole lot of feelings going on, it's helping you to feel faith and love and not fear and anger that's good that's good, because when you have those feelings, this is a time where you want to align yourself with this person that you in this long-term relationship with, just so you can not only balance each other out but be there for each other in the way that they need, not how you want to deliver it. But how do I need Renee to respond to me when I'm in my feelings, or when I'm in emotion, or I'm in a mood, or I have something that I'm not necessarily thinking about, but how I'm in my feelings, or when I'm in emotion, or I'm in a mood, or I have something that I'm not necessarily thinking about, but how I'm actually feeling. This is the time where I want her to not necessarily be this director.
Speaker 2:No well, guess what, sometimes, when she's feeling that way, she's gonna be very I have to get into my feelings and get me getting into my feelings is a really big difficult, especially since I've gone through menopause so you still got them.
Speaker 1:They're just a little, I got them they're just really super surprised. So that's something, the thing that we want to just share with you. So in this last few minutes I know this time goes by so fast. I'm looking at the clock here and it's been like almost 45 minutes that we've been talking here and we thank you guys for hanging out with us on this Saturday afternoon, so we're going to give you guys some time.
Speaker 1:I'm looking at the questions. So we want to see here and I thank you for some of the comments that you're actually putting down and I'm looking at some of them here now. So, Ms D, thank you for this. Oh, this is good Say the character for the communication style. Yes, style yes and I thought I seen a question here earlier.
Speaker 2:Let me scroll down here. Okay, you have. Okay, go ahead. No, go ahead. You were gonna say if you guys are watching now or in the future and you have a question, please put it in the chat oh, here's one.
Speaker 1:Here's a question, I see. Okay, uh, from miss uh, is that ria de speaks?
Speaker 2:oh, that's miss reed, that you know who that is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm gonna read the question can you be a director and a feeler as well?
Speaker 2:you can, you can and I think that you're, I think that your community. You can be a feeler and a director. You can be. You can be a feeler and a director. You can be all there, any of these combinations. You can be a feeler and a thinker, you can be a visionary and a feeler. I mean you, everyone's communication style.
Speaker 2:I really think that when I was younger, I think I was a feeler, but I think that as, as I've grown and and as you mature, I think that because I think that really you should have a little bit of all of these in you in order to be able to really get along with everyone. But I think you're going to have a primary, just like with the love languages. There's five love languages. You're going to have a primary and a secondary, but you should be aware of all of them. So, with your communication style, yes, you can be a feeler and a thinker or a thinker, and there's no one set combination, and so it's just a matter of you kind of doing the assessment and learning it. And I know for me, because of what we do, I have to be mindful. I have to be very careful with feelers, because I can hurt feelers feelings really, really bad because I'm I can be too direct and and I had to learn that when we started doing this.
Speaker 2:I realized, man, I'm making a lot of people feel really bad. So whatever your communication style is, you need to know what yours is and then kind of have an understanding of somebody else is there another question?
Speaker 1:any question, then, and just some of the things that you were just talking about the reason why we're doing this and trying to shift, not just talking about a topic, not just talking about all the things about communication and but just giving you some real concrete things that, hopefully, you can hold on to and that you can become more aware of is, when you are in relationship with someone, the more information and tools that you have this is a this is tools that you can put in your toolbox, like we tell our couples.
Speaker 1:That's going to make you better when it comes to the relationships, that you have to be more conscious of how you interact and some of the things that you may have said or are currently saying to people that you care about. To be a better communicator Not communicating again in your style, but communicating to them. To most of all, to is the goal is to be understood. The more you are understood and what you're trying to communicate. That's the goal. That's what you want to get across to this person. Sometimes you're going to have those disagreements, sometimes you're going to have things that you just don't accept, but it's always vitally important that you are heard and that you are understood.
Speaker 2:And the thing that I think that's important, that we and we'll talk more about, we'll eventually get to conflict resolution. And we'll eventually get to, because the next thing we're going to do is what communication is, because active listening and assertive speech. We're going to give some examples of what that looks like and show you how, because a lot of things that we've taught, I think that people still don't understand how to do it. You know they don't know. Well, how do I do that? What does that look like? You know, how do you guys get along?
Speaker 2:Well, we don't just get along on camera, we get along in life, because these are the kind of things that we come into the relationship, these tools that help us to be prepared, and so when people are showing you these videos, but they're not showing you how they're doing it, I think that that's doing them a diss. I think we're doing a disservice. So I think that if there's something that we know how to do, we should show how we do it, and so that was something that the lord gave us. We kind of had some time off and and the lord shows the visionary, she comes up with this stuff.
Speaker 2:Y'all, I just participate I was like, lord, how do we really reach people and make a difference and make an impact? And he was like show them how to stop telling people. I think to me, and I think that, as believers, I think we talk too much, we don't show enough, and so I believe that you know, and the Bible says may the words of your mouth and meditation of your heart be pleasing to my sight.
Speaker 2:So that means that it's something you can see. So I think that we need to show people what it means to have a God-honored relationship. And is it scripture? Yes. Is it skills? Yes. Is it community? Yes. Is it doing something different? It's all of those things, and so I appreciate you guys for being on here and watching and asking questions. If you're watching now or later, if you have questions, we want to help you. We want to provide you with some how-tos. We're not going to just um, I was talking to a couple and they were talking about something that's going on.
Speaker 2:I was just explaining to them. I said that's only the symptom, and gil talks about that all he says all the time. Most of the time we focus on the symptom, the biggest problems that couples have. We always say there's no such thing as marriage problems. There's individual problems you bring into your relationship.
Speaker 2:So if I get to know me and I learn my communication style, I learn my personality type, I love my, I learn my love language, I learn my purpose as a, as an individual, I'm going to be in a better position to be in a relationship with somebody else, but a lot of the rub comes from you're trying to figure out marriage when you're married. There's things you need to figure out about yourself as an individual long before you get married. So marriage is just like trying to I'm going to change the tire on my car while the car is moving. That's not gonna work. So we need to make sure that we're preparing people to be the best version of themselves as singles, so that when they go into a relationship, they go into it with a better understanding of who they are and what they bring to them.
Speaker 1:And I would even say, even if you're in a relationship for years and years and years, or just starting one, or just been in one, um, this is all things that you need to be consciously aware of right now, that you can incorporate and start practicing now, because we've been together 36 years this year as Mary, and we are still constantly practicing and learning and doing these things. We're not sharing to you the things that we've done in past and all that. We're still doing it. We're still doing it and just like even just creating these cards.
Speaker 2:That's how the Lord showed me.
Speaker 2:I was like, oh my gosh, sometimes we don't know what we don't know, and because we don't study things, because we don't really invest in really becoming students of things, then we don't really grow and change. And so I really believe that we have to be students of and Gil said it we have to be students of the other person, but we also have to be a student of ourself, of and gil said it we have to be students of the other person, but we also have to be a student of ourselves.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so, before we wrap up, we just wanted to say thank you guys for just well, the love and the hearts and the thumbs ups and all those things. We ask you to share this information with people. This video, this link, point them to it, because we learn by growing and sharing and getting new information that we didn't have, and started practicing. And remember, if you're a thinker, feeler visionary director these are your styles. Know what your style is and how you can actually apply to your relationship to get better at your relationship.
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