Fear or Love: Building Your Relationship on the Right Foundation

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome and Detroit Lions Disclaimer
• 2:13 Fear or Love as Relationship Foundation
• 5:44 Understanding Fear and Its Origins
• 8:38 Insecurity as a Relationship Barrier
• 17:57 The COLD Acronym for Relationship Fears
• 29:44 Building Relationships on Love Instead
• 34:29 Love as a Journey Toward Unconditional Love
• 51:27 Biblical Definition of Love and Q&A

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:04

Welcome to the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil and Renee, where amazing things happen.

Speaker 2: 0:10

Our goal is to help build, repair and restore healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: 0:18

And I'm Gil from the Rich Relationship Refuge and we oh, he asked to kiss me this time, y'all.

Speaker 2: 0:28

That's so sweet. That's so sweet. We are in day 14 and we are growing and learning and getting stronger. And we are 14th of the 21 day prayer and fasting, just so you guys know. But we are excited about this episode.

Speaker 1: 0:51

Today's episode is Before we jump into today's episode. I got a disclaimer. Okay, you might see something kind of consistent but different. We are not endorsed by any professional organizations. Oh yeah, get your. We're not endorsed by any professional organizations. Oh yeah, detroit. We're not endorsed by anybody. We're just fans and we're repping our team for tonight's game. Oh, it's tonight. It's tonight. Oh, I thought it was tomorrow. So we are just showing our support.

Speaker 2: 1:19

We are from the 313. We are both born and raised in Detroit.

Speaker 1: 1:23

And if you are anti Detroit Lions, then please don't click off. Still hang out with us. We ain't going to take it against you or anything like that, we're not going. So we're just saying that, just because we just don't want any problems with our video still going out. Oh, it's going to go out, it's going to go out, but we just want to let y'all know out. Oh, it's going to go out, it's going to go out, but we just want to let y'all know. As they say in those disclaimers, the express written opinions of the hosts are theirs and theirs alone, and no representation of any organization. I know that sounds crazy, but in this day and times you got to protect yourself. So I'm just going to put that out there because I'm a part, because I'm fearful what that could happen. But no, that kind of goes into what we're talking about today okay.

Speaker 2: 2:07

So today's episode is fear or love. What is the foundation that you are building your relationships on, and who would want to build a relationship on fear? You'd be like, oh no, I don't want to do that. Well, we're going to start off with fear.

Speaker 1: 2:28

Why start off with the fear?

Speaker 2: 2:29

Because you know people say you got good news and bad news, which you want first. If you got a choice between good news and bad news, which would you like to have first? You want the good news first or you want the bad news first, which you want, babe?

Speaker 1: 2:43

We can start out with the challenging stuff.

Speaker 2: 2:46

I'd rather start off with the challenging stuff, because you're going to remember what we say last.

Speaker 1: 2:55

And so we're going to start off with that's a good way to put it, so we can end on a good note. Yeah, I can relate to that.

Speaker 2: 2:58

Yeah, so you got to take the castor oil and then, after the castor oil, they give you some orange or something delicious to wash away the flavor.

Speaker 1: 3:08

And the reason why we are talking about love and fear. It's from our book. It's from our book, it's over there, but you can see it probably behind us. But it's from the Marital Code to Oneness, yes, and it's about love and fear because you really don't think about it as they are connected as far as building your relationship on. That's why we call it love or fear, based on where you're at in the relationship.

Speaker 2: 3:33

Yeah, and I think it's first. Let's talk about what fear is. You know, as believers, we believe fear is false evidence appearing real. That's the way you're looking at it. We're going to give you some acronyms today.

Speaker 1: 3:45

So hold on y'all you ready to write these down? We do acronyms and stuff like that a lot because it helps you to remember the details it does, it does, it does. But go ahead, false evidence appearing real.

Speaker 2: 3:57

But there are two legitimate fears that we are born with, because fear can protect you as well. And so the two legitimate fears that God gave us, that we're born with, is the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. For those of you who have boys, you probably think that they don't have those fears, but they do, because boys are not afraid of climbing and jumping and they're super loud, but they are. So we're all born with those two fears the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling.

Speaker 2: 4:30

And so where do the other fears that we get? Where do they come from? I mean, how does it become a part of the way we live life and relationships and how we live life and work and play, and just in every aspect of our life? It can come from our childhood, it can come from society Experiences, it can come from experiences, it can come from our own human, natural insecurities. And so if you're hearing all of this, I guess you would say no, I don't want to build my relationship on fear, but I think sometimes we are, because we don't understand that if fear and love are the root, then what happens? When something has a root, then it has fruit. And so for those of you who are believers, you've probably already gone to where I'm going, is that?

Speaker 1: 5:22

well, what is the evidence or the manifestation of fear, and how does that affect us in our relationship and we're going to give you some things that actually talk about it today and we're going to start out with some things that can create barriers in your relationship, especially when it comes to fear and Renee kind of mentioned it just now, a few minutes ago Now. Insecurity we talked a little bit about it last week. You kind of mentioned it a little bit, but when you think about insecurity, we all have them. Some are more prevalent than others in individuals and some people tend to be holding to them and feel like they're in bondage to them. But you don't have to be.

Speaker 1: 6:00

But it can be something that has spilled over into your relationship and created insecurities in how you feel about your significant other or your husband, your couples. It's almost like having bricks, and every time you have a barrier or something that happens, you're stacking a brick up in between us, right here, to where we are so isolated that we can't be our partner in this relationship because we have barriers that have been set up, that we have set up, and sometimes your spouse can set up theirs. It's almost like having those two walls and it can be a hindrance to the relationship and it can be something that is going to cause a problem, and that usually stems from our fears and you know what.

Speaker 2: 6:58

You wouldn't think of insecurity as being a part of fear, but I think about when we first got married. I was extremely insecure and as a result of being but why was that? Because I had low self-esteem and that came from the things I was told. We always talk about that, the three questions you need to ask yourself who told you that? How do you make people feel? Who told you that? How do you make people feel? And who told you that how do you make people feel? It's three of them, and right now, my brain is on fast forward.

Speaker 1: 7:30

She's all over my brain, but that's okay.

Speaker 2: 7:33

It's important for us to understand that the things that we bring to our relationship that are obstacles, or we talk about the difference between luggage and baggage, is that if I'm insecure, no matter what Gil does or says, I am going to always not believe him.

Speaker 2: 7:51

And so the reason why this is important to not build your life on it, hi, thanks for joining us. Hey, ms Kemp, the reason why it's important for you not to build your life on it is because if you build your life on fear and insecurities, it's going to again keep each other from getting close to each other. And I think about how hard it was in the beginning, and it affects every facet of relationship. It's hard to get close to someone when they don't feel good about themselves. Wow, it affects our ability to be emotionally intimate, spiritually intimacy and even have communication. Because if I'm insecure and I'm feeling bad about myself, no matter what you say and one of the things that Laura showed me was that I had to begin to say about myself what he said about me Because if he's saying to me, beautiful daughter, come to me and I'm saying, ugly, fat girl, we're going to miss each other. And so until you begin to confront those insecurities and be honest about even though you love each other. It doesn't mean you're building your relationship on love.

Speaker 1: 9:00

Right, and that kind of spills into what you already mentioned. It was one word that you mentioned during what you were just talking about, as I was listening to you was doubt.

Speaker 2: 9:08

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:08

That doubt is another barrier that comes into your relationship that can cause these blocks to be built up and when you think about that, it is actually going to hinder any kind of progression that you're going to have in the relationship.

Speaker 2: 9:22

Yeah, and so it's just important that when you're thinking about what are you building we're talking today about love or fear. What is the foundation that you're building your relationship on? How many of you would want to build your relationship on fear?

Speaker 1: 9:35

And sometimes you are doing it unintentionally, right and you?

Speaker 2: 9:38

don't know it.

Speaker 1: 9:39

You may never be aware that. Am I really doing that? And that's why we give you lists and acronyms and all these different things that you can go back and do that self-assessment. On that you can say, hey, is this me and am I doing this? Or how do I actually play into my relationship with when it comes to these obstacles or barriers, or we call them growth areas in our relationship?

Speaker 2: 10:01

And one of the things you know like in our community, we've had people who've been asking questions and well, what do you do when the other person you're doing everything you can do and you're working on everything and the other person is not? Well, then the question I would have if you're doing everything you can do, then the only person you have control over is you Right. But if we're building our relationship on love, you're going to have a different perspective than if you're with presently. Doesn't get the opportunity to disappoint you or fail you, because you're still holding on to who disappointed you and failed you before. Oh yeah, and so when you're building a relationship on fear, it's really about you building everything that happens. So, every day, the Bible says his mercies are new every day, and so, therefore, each day, Gil gets to experience a new version of me. Gil is reading the comments.

Speaker 1: 11:05

Oh yeah, Sorry.

Speaker 2: 11:07

Thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1: 11:07

Thank you guys. Yeah, put them in there because we're going to try to blend them into the conversation that we're having, because we know you guys can't actually verbalize it, but we're going to pick up those beneficial comments that we believe everybody can gleam something from. Thank you, keep putting them in there, go ahead, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 2: 11:21

And so it's just important that we understand that through this process of because when people say, oh, you guys have such a great relationship and you know, I wish I could have that or I can't have that Everyone can have a God honor relationship, but so many times we don't know what that looks like. Well, how do you do that? And so we want to make sure that we give you the tools, the insight and information and the biblical application of what it looks like to have a God honoring relationship. And so that just something as simple as because sometimes we get so caught up in all of the little symptoms that we lose sight of the fact that, if you know that in order to have a healthy, enjoyable, fulfilling marriage, it has to be built on love, you check yourself every day. It's like, well, wait a minute, is this love or is this fear? And another thing to think about some of the fruits of, or the evidence of building your life on fear is a lack of trust.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 12:26

You know, anxiety A lot of the things that we attribute to our mental health is a result of us building our life on fear, and so we have to be very mindful of where are we getting our sources of information, and are we giving the people in our life the best version of ourselves, or are we giving them the version of ourselves that was hurt from the day before?

Speaker 1: 12:52

Oh yeah, absolutely. And when you think about what Renee was just saying, some of the barriers when it comes to your mental state think of AIDS, AIDS or just aid, anxiety, isolation, depression those things can actually build that barrier, be a part of the barrier that is causing the hindrances that happen in your relationship. And you may not be aware of where the source of this thing is, because you have just lived life or experienced things and when they happen to you, you have a natural response and a reaction to them that has been and become a habit for us. So when you happen to you, you have a natural response and a reaction to them that has become a habit for us. So when you think about the habits that we have established, if they're built out of fear, it's going to be something that is always, ever present, always coming around and always there when you have those relationship hindrances that actually come up.

Speaker 2: 13:40

I love when you said that made it an acronym, because just like there's fruit from love, there's evidence from fear and those things you named. We have to look at it. Am I isolating myself? Am I anxious? You know, say them again, babe.

Speaker 1: 13:57

Eight yeah, anxiety, isolation, depression.

Speaker 2: 14:01

Yeah, and so we have to understand that. And there are more, and we'll put those in the show notes because, just like we, because most of us, know the fruits of the spirit and Galatians 5 is great, because Galatians 5 gives you a clear path of walking in the spirit and walking in the flesh. So, for those of us who are believers, we know that we're supposed to walk in the spirit and not in the flesh, but we're talking about it from the perspective of are we living our life on fear? Are we living our life on love? And so we want to help you to understand what that looks like. And so some of the barriers. We appreciate that. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1: 14:37

I like the comments, the positive ones, we actually love. Yes, actually put them in there and be positive with them, because this is actually building and helping the community at large. The ones that are just nonsense and don't really make sense, we just ignore. So, one of the things that we just want to say thanks for greeting, Thanks for hanging out with us on this Saturday of the Rich Relationship Podcast with Gil and Renee that we're actually talking about love and fear. This actually is from the book you can probably see it behind us there the Marital Code to Oneness. So we're talking about fear first, because we're going to give you one scripture that you can use. At the very end and I'm going to read it to you from a version that I read as we were studying and preparing for this I was thinking man, this is awesome when you can have a list.

Speaker 1: 15:20

People talk about the Bible not giving you answers when you need it. We can have a list that you can use in the Bible that you can compare to yourself and into your relationship to say, wow, this is how I should be building love on my relationship. But we're talking about fear, though. Fear, though, when it comes to this first barrier or when it comes into, when you talk about relationship, uncommunicated expectations. Why is this so big? Because we all have them, I don't care what stage and age and grace and period of life that you come from. We have these things that make sense in our mind, but when we pull them into our relationships, if we have not talked about them or communicated to the person that is in the relationship with us, it can be a barrier that is hindering and therefore that is built out of fear.

Speaker 2: 16:13

And another thing is not being afraid to communicate that you're afraid, and I know that it's probably easier I won't say it's easy for women because one another, one of the big elements Okay, if we're going to talk about fear, one of the another, one of the driving forces in fear is pride. I'm going to pause because we don't realize how much pride hinders us from really having healthy relationships. What does pride look like in a relationship? Oh well, I would really like to let them know that I want to spend more time with them and I need their words of affirmation, but I ain't going to say nothing because they should just know that is pride. Or you know, you know what I think. I'm gonna get up this morning and and make and make his coffee or coffee, or I don't want to do that because I don't want them to think I'm weak. When you start talking yourself out of doing things that would benefit someone else and not just you check it.

Speaker 1: 17:25

It's fear and pride. It's amazing how pride manifests in relationships in so many different ways. We just talked about just five of them. That they look like Pride is the source, but what does it look like in action? It looks like insecurity, it looks like isolation, it looks like anxiety. It looks like doubt. It looks like depression. It looks like anxiety. It looks like doubt. It looks like depression. It looks like uncommunicated expectation. It has all these different facets that, when we think about it, it is the source that is hindering our relationship from growing. That is built on fear when it comes to our relationships.

Speaker 2: 17:58

And we are not saying that depression is not real.

Speaker 2: 18:03

Oh it is real Because it is very real, and there are clinical reasons why you struggle with depression. There are spiritual reasons why you struggle with depression, and there are life cycles, because your hormones change. So we're not saying that depression, um, as as a whole, is a result of fear, but they're rooted in all the things we go through. Everything that we go through has an origin, and so if we could go to the origin of it and sometimes you think about it is are you focusing too much on yourself? Are you focusing on what you don't have control over? Are you focused on what the other person? So sometimes our anxiety and our depression is self-created by what we watch, what we listen to and what we are putting in our bodies.

Speaker 2: 18:54

All of those things have an effect on you, because I believe that depression is one of the cycles of grief, and when you get married, there are some things that you're going to have to let go of, and so, therefore, that's a loss. So, in the beginning of your marriage, you may feel this feeling of depression, or you may feel this feeling of because you're having to let go of some things, and so it's just a matter of being honest with yourself. It's like, hey, I'm really scared. When we got married. We were 21 and we moved from Detroit, michigan, where I lived my whole life, to Minot, north Dakota, where there was like-.

Speaker 1: 19:35

I'm sorry, I did that too.

Speaker 2: 19:36

It's okay, I mean, but you know it was. I didn't even think about it though, yeah, because I was building my life on love. I didn't think about what I was going to lose. I didn't think about the fact that I was going to be able to, because at the time we were Moving away from home and family and friends. I wasn't thinking about family, I was thinking about that, and so I think that sometimes we have like glimpses where we walk and we live our life on love, and then we but for the most part, it's more human nature and it's more natural to live your life on fear.

Speaker 2: 20:12

But in order to get a different result, you have got to do something different, and so we want to make sure that we're not just giving you this pie in the sky idea of the fact that our relationship is just wonderful because we just wake up like that every day. No, there's some internal things we have to do in our mind, in our spirit, in our heart, and then there's some emotional things we have to do to really reconcile, and so being with another person for the rest of your life takes the thing that we talked about before, and it's selflessness, and so when you're building your life on fear, you don't realize that every little thing is intensified, because if you're holding an account, it's like so. If you're keeping a tally of everything that that person has done wrong to disappoint you, it's not going to last. And I'm not saying that because one of the young ladies someone put in a post in a comments and it's like I prayed for her and I'm praying.

Speaker 2: 21:12

We are not talking about that. You make accommodations for abuse.

Speaker 1: 21:17

No.

Speaker 2: 21:18

Physical, verbal, emotional abuse is not biblical, it's not acceptable. And so, no, gil has never hit me. I have never hit him. We don't put our hands on each other, and so that's not what we're talking about. We're not talking about that. You don't talk about what's going on that you overlook or that you dismiss.

Speaker 2: 21:38

No, we're talking about being open and honest with each other about what's going on in your heart, and sometimes that means that if I'm afraid or if I'm insecure, the person I'm going to tell is going to be my husband, and that's how you get to be, that's how you grow close, that's how you become one, not by just telling the other people around you. But the person that's closest to you should know your fears, your dreams, your hopes, your insecurities. I mean anything that's in your heart that you don't unpack and you don't share, because we always say whatever you don't talk out, you are going to act it out. So, please, in your relationship. The reason why so many of our marriages fail is because we were never really taught about being vulnerable. We were not taught about being available. We're not taught about being honest, and we can be sharp and mean, but we can't be vulnerable and soft, and I think that's another one of those evidence, or the fruit of living your life and building your own fear.

Speaker 1: 22:47

Right. And so when you think about it, it is something that you have to gauge and you have to look at when it comes to your relationship. It's always that self-assessment that you're actually doing. You made one point in there that is so true, and somebody put a negative comment in there. But and it kind of spills into the fear side of things is when you're afraid to be vulnerable to your partner or your spouse because you're fearful of how they're going to perceive it. That goes back to pride. It goes back to you having those insecurities, those doubts, those things that are not going to be beneficial to you in the relationship, because you thinking it is something that's going to be a hindrance. Right? So we got another acronym for you that we used in one of the teachings that we did a while back on. I love this one. It's called COLD. This is a fear gauge that you can use. It's three letters C-O-L-D, and they stands for closed, obstinate, lazy and dishonest. You look at that If you say am I showing or displaying one of these four attributes when it comes to my relationship and how it actually does? Yes, sandra, just like you're saying there, it's a self-assessment, it is.

Speaker 1: 23:57

People do not like doing self-assessments. Why? Because you cannot look outside of yourself when you're doing that self-assessment and point at somebody else as being the source and the cause for why you are the way that you are. When we talk about being closed, obstinate, lazy and dishonest, this is when you're building your relationship on fear that you can say am I doing that? When we talk about being closed, obstinate, lazy and dishonest, this is when you're building your relationship on fear that you can say am I doing that? When we talk about being closed, I'll start out with closed. Closed is just you, just like we said, being open and vulnerable and having that emotional intimacy that you desire, but you keep it to yourself.

Speaker 1: 24:34

Yeah, when you're closed, keep it to yourself yeah, when you're closed, when you're closed off from your partner and you don't want to tell them the things that are concerns to you, things that are goals to you, things that are a part of who you are as an individual, that's you don't like.

Speaker 1: 24:47

Yeah, those are things that you're closing yourself off to this person and you have to ask and go back to say why do I do that? So part of it is closed. Next one is obstinate. If that's a word that you're like, what that's probably like one of them, old school words that they saying. A better way to put it is stubborn yes.

Speaker 2: 25:07

You want to talk about that one? Yes, and I think sometimes we don't realize that our inability to be open to someone telling us something that they don't like, a part of being obstinate is. This is how I am. You just got to accept me like this.

Speaker 1: 25:22

Just deal with it.

Speaker 2: 25:23

Yeah, and it's not realistic to think that everything about you is something that someone else wants. And so when you're being obstinate, you're not flexible, you're not teachable. Obstinate, you're not flexible, you're not teachable. You, you can't be told good or bad, you know. And so these are things we have to be examining our hearts for and look for, and I know sometimes as women, um, we make it seem as if someone's hurting our feelings when they're telling us something about us that we already know. It shouldn't hurt your feelings. When someone tells you something and you already know it, if anything, the response should.

Speaker 2: 26:00

So what does it look like to not be obstinate? You know what? Thank you for telling me that, and Gil always says it. Okay, I don't like the way that felt, but the rule we talk about in our marriage. I know he has my back, so if he's saying something to me that he needs from me or something that he would like to see change in me, then that's for both of our good, because I can see and you can examine yourself all you want to. There are still going to be areas of your life that you cannot see. I can't see my back, but he can, and so a part of this living your life not living your life on fear is being open to someone giving you the good, the great, the bad and the ugly. It can't just be that they're going to tell you how wonderful you are. You have to be open to the person that you're spending your life with, telling you sometimes you know you need to work on that.

Speaker 1: 26:57

Right, and if you have those things that you're looking at from being obstinate or stubborn and we find that this happens a lot in some of our older couples, our older that we've seen I'm just the way that I am and it's too late to change.

Speaker 2: 27:10

It's never too late.

Speaker 1: 27:11

Never too late If you want to have a blessed relationship. If you don't, if you want to stay single, be single. More power to you, there's nothing wrong with that. But don't think that you're not going to change when you've been in a relationship. We've been in a relationship together for 38 years and 36 years married, as far as we just celebrated our last anniversary. And for me, or even Renee, to think that I'm never going to change or I don't want to change or I don't have to change, that's going to be a very short lived relationship or marriage.

Speaker 2: 27:42

And ladies, let me give you a secret the best way to make the people around you change is for you to change, because one of the things the Lord showed me is, when I learned to control myself, everyone around me changed. It's not about you, because I think a part of the problem, I think as believers, I think we talk too much. I think we tell people what to do, we talk about it, we preach about it, we sing about it. Why don't we start showing people what to do? That's a part of the reason why we're doing what we're doing. We're showing you. We're not just reading a book to you, we're showing you. So I think it's important that we realize that we have to make sure, as trainers like to say, we got to eat our own dog food. As believers, we got to make sure that the scriptures and the Bible and the principles are what we are living and not just talking about it.

Speaker 2: 28:38

And so a part of that is being open to realizing that the Bible says fear not, fear not, fear not, fear not, fear not. And so why would he say fear not if we're supposed to be living in fear? To realize that maybe the reason why your relationship is struggling is because you have built it on an unsolid, unreliable foundation, which is fear.

Speaker 1: 29:06

Yes and lazy. So that's the L in cold lazy. Another way to look at it is complacent. We've been together as long as we have and if you get complacent in your relationship you can best believe you're going to have struggles. Complacency is thinking that you don't have to continue to do or be reinventing or continue to do things that is going to keep your partner interested, or your husband and your wife. Sometimes we think I got it like that or I'm good based on what I did last year or what I did at the very beginning of the relationship.

Speaker 2: 29:40

Tell me about the points.

Speaker 1: 29:42

All points expire at midnight. I don't care what you did during the day, I don't care what gifts you did, I don't care what words you used, I don't care how much you appreciated or that person appreciated, what you did. Your points expire at midnight and you got to start all over again.

Speaker 2: 30:00

And another thing that we think is important to understand is I cannot tell myself that I am a good wife.

Speaker 1: 30:10

I can't say I'm a good husband.

Speaker 2: 30:11

The only person that can tell me that I'm a good wife is the person I'm married to. Your girlfriends can't tell you you're a good wife. Your mama, your daddy. The only person that can tell you that you are a good wife is the person that you are a wife to. So check in and ask hey, babe, how am I doing?

Speaker 1: 30:31

Yep.

Speaker 2: 30:34

How is your love tank? You know, I know Gil's love language is quality time. So therefore I got to check in. Babe, I give you enough time.

Speaker 1: 30:43

Yeah, I know Renee's words of affirmation.

Speaker 2: 30:45

If I'm not affirming her and re-encouraging her and telling her how good of a job she's doing, in whatever area, then you're going to have those struggles yeah struggles, yeah, and so being lazy is not just, and you can be lazy emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually because you and I, while we've been on this path, he was like baby why I feel so good?

Speaker 1: 31:15

Why did we stop doing?

Speaker 2: 31:16

this I said because we lazy or complacent. It's human nature for us to drift. It's human nature for us to do the minimum. It's human nature for us to want to get a lot and give a little Right. But when you live your life with that as your standard, you're not going to benefit from, you're not going to have abundance when you're giving the minimum.

Speaker 1: 31:39

And then the last one, in cold, is dishonest and that's pretty self-explanatory. But we're specifically talking about in the context of your relationship is when you're not honest with the person that you're in relationship with. How you doing, fine, but you're really not fine. Fine, but you're really not fine. You mad Nope, you're really mad about something, but you don't want to be honest about what it is. One because you want to hold this person I call it emotionally hostage to begging and groveling at you to get your forgiveness for whatever may have happened, whatever transgression that may have happened. That is something that you have to be honest, not only with yourself about first being clear about what am I really upset about? What am I mad about, as in an example of conflict? But what is it that really bugs me or bothers me that my person did that I have to communicate to them to come to a resolution and come to a peace.

Speaker 2: 32:37

And you know there's other ways that you can be dishonest. Another way that you can be dishonest is by not giving all of the information.

Speaker 1: 32:47

Omission.

Speaker 2: 32:48

Yes, and so because you didn't tell them, everything is not the same as you being honest, and so you need to be clear about again are we building it on fear? Because fear is basically from a mindset of you being in control, you being the authority, you being your source, you being your everything, and so if I am my everything, then I'm in trouble because I got to sleep, I got to eat. There's things that humans have to do, that God doesn't have to do, that a whole world could be destroyed while you're sleeping, and so don't put your trust in yourself. One of the things I think is a big issue in our society now is our lack of reverence for submission to a need for a higher authority than yourself, and so we talk about isolation. Another big issue with fear is also autonomy. It's my life, it's my world. I can do what I want to do, and while you may not think that that's being dishonest, it is being dishonest Because, guess what? You didn't create you. You don't wake you up, you don't give you breath, you don't give you.

Speaker 2: 34:09

So again, that goes back to pride, and so, in thinking about building your life on fear, can you see why so many marriages fail? Because we said it and we said it again and we're going to keep saying it marriage takes three you, your spouse and God. There is no other combination. I don't care what anyone tells you, marriage takes three. And as long as it's you yourself, you, I and your spouse, that's not three. It only needs three. But when you're living your life with you as the head of your life and you as your source, and you don't have a head, you don't have a source, then it's going to crumble.

Speaker 1: 34:58

I appreciate. Thank you, guys for joining us, thanks for hanging out. This weekend we're talking about love and fear on the Rich Relationship Podcast, or the live session that we do every Saturday 12 noon Central Standard Time, and those who are putting the positive comments. We really appreciate it. Sandra, yeah, pride is. This is actually good when we talk about those things. Captain T, I seen your comment earlier. Appreciate that, because when you think about the comments that are actually being put, this is a community.

Speaker 1: 35:23

That's what we're trying to build for people who want to get better at their relationship, for people who just want to come in and crack jokes and do things, that's fine, but we're just going to ignore it. So one thing that we want to talk about in this session we talked about love and fear is going into. Now let's finish this off talking about the love side. Love has got to be the foundation for what you are building your relationship on. Just like we gave you a list excuse me of fear, we are actually want to talk to you about the love side because that's where our focus, that's where our attention should be on building our relationships Starting out. It has to be the cornerstone of your foundation, of your relationship. When we talk about love, the Bible gives you multiple definitions in it, different types, different stages of love.

Speaker 1: 36:13

Yeah, but this is actually a reflection of God's love for us when we show our relationship and our marriages to others, Two things that we put in the book and we talked about it, that we just want to address two types of love. You got agape love, which is the unconditional love that we should be constantly striving for and that's what God has actually put on this earth for us to demonstrate and exercise towards our significant others. But unfortunately and it's not a bad thing, but it has its place is eros love. Eros love is the romantic type. That's the kind we always start out this love relationship with now we start with phileo.

Speaker 1: 36:50

We start affectionate love, affectionate love. But then we go. Well, you should go into romance, that's where you should be, but going into eros love where? That's where you are seeing this person as somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with and that's what you should be exercising and looking towards.

Speaker 2: 37:06

And you know I am so grateful for all of you, the time that you stop and take and Hang out with us and invest in putting your comments and sharing and watching and listening is it helps us to know that we're sowing seeds on good ground.

Speaker 1: 37:26

And let's pause for a second because I see Dominique's questions have y'all cheated on each other? No, no, you know that is something that we had. We started out with our relationship on that we talked about. When it came to, what does cheating mean when you boyfriend and girlfriend has a totally different context than when you are married, when you have one of these and you made a commitment to each other. Cheating on when you were growing up cheating on your boyfriend or your girlfriend because you talked to somebody else or you actually got somebody else's phone number or you spent some time with somebody else Some people will consider that cheating.

Speaker 2: 38:01

But in a marriage it's called adultery. And no, we have never committed adultery towards each other.

Speaker 1: 38:05

No, because you think about it, that is more of an individual issue than it is a marriage issue. We always say marriage is two people that come together to have their own issues and challenges and then they come into a marriage and they bring it into the marriage and marriage gets the blame. Well, it's not the marriage you didn't do or the marriage did something wrong. It's you had some unresolved things that you didn't work out in the relationship before you said I do that you guys are now reaping the consequences of when it comes to because it kind of goes back to the fear things that we were talking about. So hopefully that answers your question.

Speaker 2: 38:42

Yeah, and I think a part of it is understanding that if you are the kind of person that you cheat, it really has nothing to do with the other person in your week. People cheat because they built their life on fear and they are their own God and so, instead of God fulfilling them, they're expecting for a person to fulfill them when someone cheats. Ladies men, if someone cheats on you, it has nothing to do with you, your value, how great you are, how amazing you are, how much greatness you bring to a relationship. It has everything to do with a broken child inside of them that is looking for fulfillment from another human being.

Speaker 2: 39:34

Adultery has nothing to do with sex. It has nothing to do with you weren't enough. It has everything to do with they had some spiritual and emotional and sometimes psychological areas in their life that have been unresolved, and whether you marry them two years or four years later, until that is addressed, until their relationship with God is resolved, until those pains are healed, they're going to continue to cheat. Marriage doesn't keep you from cheating. Marriage is a covenant. Keep you from cheating. Marriage is a covenant between you and God. What keeps you from cheating is your own integrity, your character and how you view yourself.

Speaker 1: 40:14

Yep, and that kind of goes back into what we talked about. Talking about fear, let's talk about communication. This is another way to build your relationship.

Speaker 2: 40:21

Talking about love. Talking about love.

Speaker 1: 40:23

Talking about love being hot. We've used this acronym multiple times.

Speaker 2: 40:27

We have shirts.

Speaker 1: 40:28

You may have heard it in different areas and in different teachings, and not just by us, by other people. It stands for honest, open and transparent. When you are honest with the person that you're with, it kind of prevents the cheating from happening because you are talking about the deficiencies that you have that is causing you to cheat or causing you to do other things in a relationship that is causing damage to the relationship because you haven't been honest with your communication about what's really going on with you.

Speaker 2: 40:59

And you know, I think it's also I think, about being honest. Again, we got to be honest with ourselves, we have to be honest with God, and before we can be honest with somebody else, we got to be honest with ourselves. We have to be willing to really get to know yourself so that you can I always say, you can't give yourself away until you know who you are. And so that's an important part and, like for us, we got married at 21. So the way that God gave us time to get to know ourselves was through deployments. When Gil would go away, god was like okay, it's me and you, renee, okay, gil, it's me, and it allowed us to be apart, but it brought us closer together and so, being honest, being open, and then transparent being open, being open to and I think we don't like this.

Speaker 2: 41:51

I have to be open to my husband telling me the things about me that I love and the things about me that needs work. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 42:02

Yeah, and it goes both ways. It's those times when you have relationship where you feel like you can't come to the other person with them being transparent about things that you see that are challenging the struggle and the relationship that you guys need to work on. It's not just Renee's issue, it's my issue as well that we have to come together as a team to say you know what we need to work on, our relationship in this area, in this capacity. So we appreciate you guys hanging out with us on this Saturday. We appreciate all the comments in there.

Speaker 1: 42:31

That's good and all that, so talking about love and action as we get closer Honest open, transparent. Yeah, you talked about transparent. I did yeah. Yeah, being transparent, being open, showing what's really going on Hon and showing what's really going on.

Speaker 2: 42:44

Okay, honest, transparent.

Speaker 1: 42:44

Yes, yes, and love and action. Actually looked at Renee mentioned it earlier in the context of the. It can't talk about fear as being a counterproductive. But the other one was being selfless. If you are selfish, that's fear. You have to be selfless when you want to operate in love, when it comes to your relationship, because a selfless person will do anything for this person that I'm in a relationship with. So if you have an issue or challenge with putting someone else ahead of you, stay single, don't get married, because until you can get past that selfishness and get to a point of being selfless, you're going to struggle. I don't care if you're just dating, you're going to struggle. I don't care if you're just dating, you're going to struggle. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 43:28

And it's important. So we talked about the root of and the fruit. So what are the fruits of love? We all know them. I want y'all to put them in the comments Love, joy, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, meekness and self-control.

Speaker 2: 43:49

So God makes it clear and people always say well, life don't come with instructions, you will lie. God loved us so much that he created us in his image and his likeness. He sent his son to bring us back to him and he left us a whole love letter of instructions and guidance and direction on us to be able to know him and understand him. And I told you guys, sidebar, I told you guys I'm reading the Bible, through the whole Bible, four chapters a day, every day, and I'm in Exodus.

Speaker 2: 44:21

And I'm in Exodus and the thing that I love about how detail oriented God is is that he was like I want you to not. So when I'm reading, I'm like Lord, I'm not trying to learn the Bible, I am trying to understand you better and I'm trying to see all the steps you have taken to keep me in a relationship with you, and that's really what the Bible is about. And so it's just important that when you think about love and joy and goodness and faithfulness and gentleness and meekness and self-control. Those are all the evidence and the fruit and those are like the power. That's what everybody talks about, what God's power is. God's power is love, and when you think about that, when you all want the power, I just want to love. The way that we are the most like Christ is when we are loving the lovely, the ugly, the hateful, and your love is not tested when you're loving people. You love.

Speaker 1: 45:24

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 45:24

Your love is tested when you're loving someone who has been Challenging Challenging that person at the grocery store who's maybe rude, or the person in the car that may have.

Speaker 1: 45:35

Or a person in the comments.

Speaker 2: 45:36

Yeah, this is the thing. What you put in the comments says so much about your heart and not ours, because doing what we do takes work, discipline, time, money, sacrifice, and so it's easier to critique than it is to create. And again, when you think about love or fear, that's fear. That's okay. That's fear.

Speaker 1: 46:08

But you got to choose to come out, you got to choose.

Speaker 2: 46:10

You have to choose, and so we just want to make sure that we're giving you some practical understanding of how do you navigate this life with another person. And, yes, all the things that happen to other people happen to us. Have I had opportunities to cheat? Yes. Has Gil had opportunity? Yeah, but you got to have opportunity and desire. See, that's the problem. If you don't have a desire to cheat, the opportunity won't matter, but if you have a desire to cheat, you're going to make the opportunity.

Speaker 1: 46:41

Or the opportunity, which is the enemy is going to present it to you constantly.

Speaker 2: 46:45

Right, but there has to be both Desire and opportunity.

Speaker 1: 46:48

But you're going to fall. If you're living through fear, you're going to fall right into it. Yeah, so then the last one we're going to talk about is love is a journey.

Speaker 2: 46:55

Yes.

Speaker 1: 46:56

Love is a journey. When we talk about it, especially when you start out dating, that's always the great time. Everybody loves it. When it's at the beginning, when it's new, when it's new, everything is. Whether you got a new car, a new house, a new anything, you love everything about it. Well, when we say it's a journey, you're going to go from that new stage to one that you're, more familiar with one, that you're actually discovering different things about this person, and that's where it should be going.

Speaker 2: 47:23

Like they do things, like they breath, snake in the morning or they fart. That's all a part of it. If you decide you're not going to like somebody or I don't like him because everybody is going to fart, everyone is going to have bad breath in the morning, everybody is going to have good days and bad days. That is what you're signing up for. You're signing up for sharing your imperfect life with another imperfect person.

Speaker 1: 47:46

Yes, moving towards that journey is to get to the state of being unconditional love towards this person. You know it's good when unconditional love hits because things that used to matter don't matter as much anymore. Things that they used to do that just sets you off much anymore. Things that they used to do that just sets you off. When you have resolved and worked through some of the fears that you have in your own life and in your own relationship, they don't bother you as much as they did.

Speaker 2: 48:12

Gil is very organized. I am very messy and I know that it drove him crazy and I have seasons where, during this fast, I have not been as neat as I normally had learned to be. I've been tired y'all, and so I'm just grateful for the fact that we don't nitpick each other.

Speaker 1: 48:37

About stuff that don't matter.

Speaker 2: 48:39

I will say that during the fast Gil said I gave him a stink eye because I've been doing raw and Gil I've been still-.

Speaker 1: 48:47

Everybody's fast is different, yeah.

Speaker 2: 48:49

Yeah, everybody's fast is different. And so he wanted to eat a tortilla and I was like, babe, you need to eat some lettuce. And he was like, did you just give me the stink eye? I said I'm sorry. You're right, Baby, you want to eat your tortilla. You gave up. He said I'm not eating nothing. I said oh, baby, I'm sorry. So we have to make sure that we don't project our standards onto the person that we love, Because, again, when I learned to control myself, everyone around me changed. Ladies say that with me. When I learned to control myself, because we are good at controlling everybody else. I don't know about men, I'm just talking about us ladies.

Speaker 1: 49:27

Well, no, it's not, it's both.

Speaker 2: 49:29

I can only. But I'm only a girl. I only know how to be a woman. I don't try to correct men. Let me just say that it is not my job or my role as a wife and a helpmate to check him and correct him. It is my job and my goal and my role as a wife to support him and to lead by example and to lovingly redirect things that are unhealthy by my actions, not my words. Yes, I'm not going to try to tell he a grown man.

Speaker 1: 50:01

Because how many people can tell somebody else to do and they just do it. If somebody tell you something to do and they just do it. If somebody tell you something to do, they can advise you, but ultimately you're going to have to decide if you're going to follow through and do whatever it is they're suggesting that you actually do. So you can't control anybody, no only you. So when it comes to building your love on relationship, I told you guys at the end, uh, being to your relationship on love. I told you guys in the end, being to your relationship on love, I told you guys in the Bible it actually gives you a checklist that you can actually look at and it's in First Corinthians, chapter three, chapter 13, verses four through seven. And I got it and I love it in the message because it actually gives you a list that you can as a definition of what does it look like? That you can as a definition of what does it look like. So, if you look at, listen to this and you see it, compare what you do in your viewpoint on love, especially when you're in a relationship with someone else, how do you measure up? When it comes to this?

Speaker 1: 50:59

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always me first, doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of sins the sins of others. Doesn't revel when others grovel the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flower and the following of flowing of truth. It puts up with everything, trust God, always, always, look for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. It is something when you gauge, not on the things that we talked about for almost this hour, whether it's fear or love, but when you compare your life and your standards against the Bible standards, the things that we're telling you. We're just sharing with you what the Bible says, what we've experienced, and let's leave it up to you guys to decide if you're going to practice it or not, which is fine.

Speaker 1: 52:05

We're just telling you from. As they say, we got the receipts for 39 years of being together and 36 years happily married, and I'm saying it for myself.

Speaker 2: 52:14

And I am joyfully, happily, gratefully married.

Speaker 1: 52:17

So, if we're saying it, those are the receipts that we have, and all we're doing is trying to sow seeds and share with you the things that we have walked out and learned.

Speaker 1: 52:26

And that we are walking out and we practice, just so we all can build these relationships that we so desire. But it takes work, it takes effort, it takes you looking at yourself, just like Sandra said earlier, that inventory list that we are always doing and we're gauging ourselves against, don't gauge yourself up against lists that people put up just because we gave you something. Go to the Bible, check it out. Look at 1 Corinthians, chapter 13.

Speaker 2: 52:53

Look at Galatians 5.

Speaker 1: 52:55

How do I line up with this? Then that is the standard. Not us at the standard, not anything that anybody says is the standard. Check the Bible against the things that people are saying, not check what people are saying and look at and say, oh OK, let me see if the Bible backs that up. No, it's the other way around. It's what we're saying backed up by the Bible, right, and we just share with you guys over this last 50 plus minutes, the things that we have been talked about and learned about. When it comes to love and fear, which one are you living your life on or building your relationship on? So we appreciate you guys having all the comments, the positive ones, I'm going to chime in.

Speaker 2: 53:35

So what I want to do right now, I want to give you guys a chance to ask questions, and I'm going to screenshot some of these comments because, for some reason, on YouTube, the comments don't translate over. So if there's something that you want us to see in the comments, or a question that you have wait until this video goes up and then put it in those comments, because our live there's always people here commenting and we don't. We can't go back and watch them later.

Speaker 1: 54:03

So if there's a comment that you have or something that you want to know, or for real question that you want to discuss or talk about, by all means put it in the comments and put a cue. Not in this comment. Not in this comment. After the video goes up and put it a cue in there for something that you really want us to feedback on, Because sometimes people we appreciate you guys so much for hanging out with us.

Speaker 2: 54:22

We love you guys.

Speaker 1: 54:29

You know we had a big encouraged and increased growth in people coming and hanging out with us. That tells us that evidently we must be talking about a subject that people want to talk about, and that's what we are trying to do is to help build those relationships. So if there's a question or a comment that you want us to address in response to, by all means put it in there. We will, because we sat back here yesterday for almost two hours trying to answer every comment. Either Renee did it or I did it.

Speaker 1: 54:52

We did it together and we're response to you guys because we appreciate your investment and time we do and hanging out with us.

Speaker 2: 55:00

And so if in the comments you leave a heart, no matter what it is, when you leave a comment in our feed we are going to respond, because we know that you could just hit a like and not leave a comment. That means a lot to us. We appreciate you. If you have not subscribed to our channel, please subscribe and not only subscribe. Hit the bell notification so that when we go live you won't miss it.

Speaker 2: 55:25

We post three times a day, seven days a week. We do our live once a week and we post up a video like this week's video I posted up was me making whole plant-based juice. How to do that? I have a certification in plant-based nutrition. I have been on this journey with my learning how to eat healthy and have a better lifestyle since I was 11. I started dieting at 11. But for the past 10 years, I've maintained a healthy weight because we are plant-based, and so, during this fasting journey, I want to share some of the things that we're learning and how to make it fast, affordable and delicious, because so many people comment about my skin and how we look. It is prayer.

Speaker 1: 56:11

I think it's pretty good for 57.

Speaker 2: 56:13

Fasting, good loving and a plant-based lifestyle, In that order. And so Gil is wanting me to do more videos explaining food science. I am a food science nerd. I love.

Speaker 1: 56:26

All I can say is she makes it easy to follow, and if you want that, that's a whole nother. It's on our website. Yeah, we have a plant-based area. We have a section, just for if you want to focus on the plant-based nutrition and the things that Renee does on that capacity, go there, check it out, look at it. We appreciate you guys hanging out with us on this.

Speaker 2: 56:44

Saturday yeah, we love you guys.

Speaker 1: 56:45

We done took up too much of y'all time because we got to get ready. We seen some of the negative. I was looking at those negative comments Don't be mad, don't be mad.

Speaker 2: 56:53

He tried to get to everyone.

Speaker 1: 56:54

We've been struggling for 50 plus years. So, brandy, I seen your comment. Thank you so much you guys.

Speaker 2: 57:09

Thank you all. Yeah, so love you guys. We will see you guys next saturday at 12 noon, central standard time. Unless jesus comes, we'll all be gone. You won't need to be doing this, so we'll see you guys next saturday. Please, um, share this video with your family and friends. Please watch our long content. Everyone's watching the shorts. We have lots of long content. Please watch that. Please, again, if you want to reach us personally, reach out to help at richrelationshiprefugecom. Have questions or relationship questions? Please reach us. We do one-on-one sessions. That's through our website. We do all the ways we try to do free ways to help couples. That's why we go live every week. We have content, we have a podcast, we have books. So we want to get rid of any excuse that you have, any excuse that you have to not get help. So we love you and we'll see you guys next Saturday at 12 noon, central Center time.

Speaker 1: 57:58

And our international partners. We thank you guys. We'll see you guys next week. Thank you for listening. Thank you for your investment in time. Remember to subscribe to the show and hit the notification icon to be notified when new episodes are posted on the podcast platform that you're listening from.

Speaker 2: 58:12

Or you can always find us on our website at richrelationshipsuscom, or our YouTube channel, rich Relationships with Gil Renee. If you found this podcast helpful or you think it could help someone that you know and care about, please pass it along and share it with them.