What If Rejection Is Teaching You Who You Are: My Response to a Listener

Rejection doesn’t just hurt. For someone with anxious attachment, it can hijack your story about who you are. We got a listener question from Jameson in North Carolina: he asked a girl out, she turned him down, and now he keeps seeing her at church groups. The hardest part isn’t the no, it’s the constant reminder and the lingering feelings that won’t switch off.

We talk through what anxious attachment does after rejection: the obsession with “why,” the fear of abandonment, and the reflex to assume you caused it because you’re not good enough. Then we get practical about next steps that actually help you heal. Sometimes the mature choice is to treat her like a friend and let time soften the feelings. Other times you need real boundaries and a season of space because proximity keeps reopening the wound. We also explore why repeated rejection can push people into passivity and how continuing to ask people out can be part of growth, not desperation.

Because this is a faith-based podcast, we go deeper into God attachment too. When dating discouragement hits, it’s easy to think God is disappointed in you or withholding something. Instead, we practice honest prayer, grounded self-worth in Christ, and leaning into encouraging community so your confidence isn’t decided by one person’s answer. If this connects with you, subscribe, share it with a friend who’s stuck in the spiral, and leave a review with the biggest takeaway you’re working on.

Transcript

The Crush Rejection And Anxious Attachment

Space Boundaries And Seeing Her At Church

God Attachment Identity And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hi everyone, welcome back to the God Attachment Healing Podcast. I'm excited that you're here, as always. And today is gonna be a very exciting episode because it's the first of its kind. Um, the way that this episode was created was actually from a submission that someone did through the BuzzProud site. So there's a section in there, it's called Fan Mail. And I'll show you guys in a little bit how to how to kind of get there if you guys are watching the video. But basically, when you go and listen on iTunes on the Apple Podcast, there's a section right under the title of the podcast, and it says send me questions or comments about the podcast. Uh send me attachment questions, things like that. And I have someone who used it, and it's really exciting because when I got the notification, I was like, oh, this is cool. I thought it was a review of the podcast, and it happened to be a question. And I'm excited about it because obviously it has to deal with attachment, and um, it's from a guy named Jameson from North Carolina. And so, Jameson, if you're listening, this podcast is for you, man. And uh I hope that you that you enjoy it. I'm sorry that's taken so long to get to it, but it's here, and I'm excited for you to tune in. Uh, for those of you guys who are listening right now and hearing me talk about this, you may not have known that you can send in questions about anything that you want having to do with God attachment, relationship attachment, uh, even you know, self-attachment. And that's something that I explore on the podcast as well. Um, but that's something for you guys to know. So if you're watching right now on YouTube or wherever it is that you go to watch your podcast, I want to show you real quickly where you can go. So this is the last episode that I had. So the this one's from last week. It's called You Can Still Trust God After Unthinkable Loss with Ashley Later. And she was a great, great um guest um talking about loss and how she dealt with that. And obviously, there's tons of other episodes that you can tune in. But right there at the bottom, right under where it shows the play uh icon there, you'll see that it says send me questions on attachment. So if you click on that, you it'll take you to the Buzzsprout site. And on the Buzzsprout site, you put send a text message. So it's not gonna message my phone, it's gonna send a message through BuzzSprout, and then I get to read your message, and then I can do episodes like this one. So uh you can also send a voicemail. So that's pretty cool. I just noticed that right now. So they added a new piece to this. So you could add a voicemail. That's pretty cool. Honestly, if you can do that, do that because um I can play that clip at the beginning of the episode, and it'll just kind of set us up, you know, beautifully right before we start. So use that, okay. Again, go to your Apple Podcast app, and right there under the play um icon, you'll see send me questions on attachment, and you click on that and it'll take you to the site, and you can do that there. So great job. Thank you, Jameson. I hope you enjoyed this episode. And for those of you guys who are listening, thank you again for tuning in. I really appreciate the support and um thank you for all that you do in supporting me and listening to this episode. All right, so I'm going to read Jameson's question. And then again, this is gonna be a very different type of podcast. I want to make this very conversational. Um, obviously, you have thought about it. I know what I want to say, I know how to address this from an attachment perspective, so I think it's gonna go very well. But um, yeah, I just want to encourage you guys to send in questions as well. All right, let's get down to business here. Uh, this is from Jameson from North Carolina. He said, My name is Jameson. I found your podcast on anxious attachment, and it's really resonated with me. I recently got turned down by a girl I have had a crush on for a while, and I'm struggling on seeing her only as a friend and letting go of my feelings, as I see her often at various church groups. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, smiley face. Um again, Jameson, thank you for your question. And I want to first say that this is a very common experience, as you can imagine. Um, when we go to church, you know, when we are in school, when you're hanging out, playing pickleball, doing all these different things with people from your community, um, you're bound, obviously, to meet someone or find someone attractive or find something, someone's personality attractive, and so on. So it's a very common experience. And, you know, you mentioned specifically anxious attachment. So I'm making a couple of assumptions here, is maybe that you feel a little bit anxious, and I obviously there's some indication here, there's some anxious attachment. But let's explore that a little bit. Um, so first, because it resonated with you, I'm really interested to kind of think about okay, what would it look like? What does it look like when a guy is interested in a girl? And what is it about that that makes us anxious? What is it about going up to a girl and letting her know how you feel um anxious? And probably the most common fears, right, is fear of rejection, which makes a lot of sense, right? No one wants to be rejected, and that is a very legitimate fear. Um, and then there's a fear of ruining the potential friendship or relationship. Um, it doesn't sound here from what you've shared that she was a friend, it just sounds like it's someone that you um knew, and um that she, I'm guessing maybe she politely said no, which is always good. I think most Christian women um try to let guys down pretty easily. You know, they're very respectful, and you know, obviously when they do that, it almost makes you feel more attracted to them because you like that about them, right? That they were kind and gentle even with their with their nose, as opposed to someone who would be very rude and and maybe put you down before even you know wanting to ask her out. Um, that's not the feeling that I'm getting here. So it sounds like you picked a good girl that you were interested in, right? So you mentioned then, and I'm struggling on seeing her only as a friend and letting go of my feelings. So I don't know how long you guys have been friends, that plays a role. Um, and obviously uh how long you've you've liked her, that's another factor here. But let's say, for example, that you have been friends for you know three to six months, okay? Um, means that you've been hanging out, you are have maybe same types of friends or hang around similar circles, and you've seen her enough where you've grown an interest in her. Okay, so if that's the case, you've been able to over a span of time develop some feelings. Now, it's likely, very likely, that you probably were attracted to her at some point in the first couple of weeks, maybe the first month, right? And then it was just a matter of evaluating and seeing, okay, do I what do I like about this girl other than how she looks, right? Because we do want to choose someone who has uh not just a great personality, someone who loves Jesus, someone who loves people, someone who is attentive to the needs of others, right? Everyone has their own preferences. I'm just throwing some things out there, but there's something about her that caught your attention, right? And um you mentioned that you you've you're struggling with seeing her only as a friend. And this is always tricky, right? Because the common belief is that if I ask her out, is it gonna ruin the friendship? And so again, I have questions just about well, how close are you guys as friends? So if you've only known each other for three to six months, you know, you still haven't built such a sustainable friendship or or a deep friendship where you feel um attached as a friend specifically. Um and there are other situations where maybe you know you've known each other for a couple of years. You went to school together and you've been able to get to know each other on a deeper level, you've met their family members. So that's a different level uh of closeness. Um, but there's more security in that because you know them enough where, okay, I know that if she says yes, great, we're gonna go on a date and it'll be fun. It'll just be like we spend time all the time, you know, when we're around our friends. But if you're still getting to know more about her, you know, in the three to six months that you've known her, again, just throwing a number out there. I'm guessing I'm trying to give all different types of uh scenarios here, um, then the risk is, well, I might ruin my chances if I ask her out. And maybe that's what you want. Maybe that's exactly what you want. If you don't know her well enough to see, okay, how is she going to respond? What is she going to say? Um, and even if she does say no, what do I do with that afterwards, right? Which is your situation. And by the way, this is just for all guys in general. Kudos to you for going up to her and asking her out. I I really just want to encourage you in that because at least from what I hear, and even from what I see, I mean, I've talked to friends who um sometimes are just afraid to go ask the girl that they like, um, ask her out. And I said, dude, do you like her? You know, what do you like about her? Sounds like a great girl, go ask her out, right? Uh, take the chance. And you did that. So I do want to affirm that and and congratulate you on that. Um, obviously, the the tough part here is the the rejection piece, right? And um, you know, we would like to know why. Like, why did she say no? Right? And from an anxious attachment style, that makes sense because in our minds, we would like to think that if I know why, then I'd feel a little bit better about that. But the reality is that we wouldn't, because the anxious attachment style typically has a higher view of other people and a negative view of self. So if she rejected me, there must be something wrong with me or something she didn't like about me, something that I I might have said that that turned her off, that just didn't they didn't connect with her, right? It must have been something I did that pushed her away. Right. So that's why we get into that questioning of, you know, is is it me? Right? It has to do with an identity piece. And if we if you've listened to the the podcast, you know that anxious attachment, one of the things that they fear is abandonment or is fear of being rejected, which is something that's common for most people, but specifically, specifically for the anxiously attached, is this fear of being abandoned, right? Or the fear of being rejected, not just in dating, just rejected by people in general, right? But the belief is that they have a vi higher view of others, like they're good, they must have done everything right, and I did something wrong. The anxiously attached often puts a lot of blame on themselves, so they overcorrect or they try to do too much to make things better, right? So much so that they take the blame for everything. So if you're feeling that, again, I just want to empathize with that and let you know that um, again, that's part of the discovery that you're trying to do is why did it have that type of effect on me? Now, I'm not hearing that based on what you're sharing. Again, I'm trying to create extend this and create this episode and try to think of all the possible um experiences that people may have. But to your particular case, you said you're struggling with seeing her only as a friend moving forward. And this is a very subjective uh case uh or type of situation, type of response that you're gonna have, right? Some people can take that rejection and say, okay, totally understand. Um, you know, we'll continue to be friends and hang out whenever. Okay. So some people can do that. Some people can't. Like if you're around her and you still have those lingering feelings for her, and you feel like, you know, the more you're around her, the more you like her, and you know, you don't want to have those feelings, and that's gonna be hard. Like you're gonna have to make a decision that doesn't um put you in the position of having those feelings. So it could be just some time away, you know. Maybe now when all the friends go hang out, maybe it's not going out to those things for a little while, you know, because you know she's gonna be there and those those feelings are gonna stir up in internally for you again, and you just don't want that to continue to happen because you're gonna have this, you know, um vacillating feeling of I still like her, but um, you know, I I can't go out with her anymore because she said no. And so it just continues to go into that pattern of of thinking. So, what would be my suggestion in regarding to manage that? Again, you have to deal with those emotions yourself, right? Those feelings of identity or what it why is it that it's hard for you to see her only as a friend? It may just be that you need time to um away from from that from her. Um because you can't help really how you feel when you're with this person unless you move out of that same area that they're in, right? Physical space, emotional space, mental space, right? Now, some people might say, well, why? That's so that's so um immature, that's so childish. Why aren't we grownups, we should be able to deal with this. But again, what people need to understand is these are attachment styles that are built over a long period of time that it's reinforcing a belief that they're trying to maybe battle through, but all of the evidences in their lives point to there's something wrong with you, right? And if you're having that feeling, Jameson, then it's it's gonna be one of those things where yeah, you need to do the opposite of what you've been doing to try to get a different type of evidence, right? If you've uh gone up to, let's say, six girls, five girls, let's say, in the last year, just to ask them out and each one of them has said no. Um that the evidence that you're looking at uh are those no's and you're creating meaning from those no's and saying there must be something wrong with me. Again, speaking from an anxious attachment style, if that's the the place that you're in, then that's typically the conversation. There's something wrong with me because every time that I've asked a girl out, they always say no. Right? So is it my approach? Is it something about my personality? Is it something that I said? Could I have asked it differently, right? If you're crafting that text, you're wondering, okay, what should I say? Is this gonna be, is this gonna catch your attention? Like all of these different things. The anxiously attached person is trying to create the environment to be finally accepted. And every attempt, when it ends up with a rejection or a no, um it just reinforces the belief that there's something wrong with me. Right. And again, if that's your belief, we need to do the opposite of that. So for a while, it's gonna be well, I know how I feel or how I felt when I was around this person. And if it was more anxiety, then you need to start seeking people who don't give you that same feeling. Um so you wanna be around other secure people or people who make you feel even uh good about yourself, right? These are friends who are encouraging, if you have encouraging parents, if you have siblings who are encouraging, though not likely, at least for me and my we pick on each other, we make fun of each other. A sibling rivalry type of thing, but we love each other, right? And when we do good things, we encourage each other. So if you have that with siblings, your friends, whoever it is, find encouraging people and be around them. Because again, the people that are closest to you are the ones that can speak life into you, right? And you know, then there's the other part of okay, what does this mean for me as a Christian, right? Because maybe a question or a prayer that you're gonna have is Lord, I see these girls who are godly girls, they love you, they love people, and you know, I I take my shots and I I want to get to know them, I want to date some of them, but it's all I always end up with a rejection. Like, why is this happening to me? Should I just wait? And this is a common question too. Like, should the guy just wait and see if girls come up to him or if some girl shows interest? Like, you know, it's one of those things where that's the wrestling, right? Most girls don't. Most girls aren't gonna come up to you and ask you out, especially Christian girls, right? Typically, there's more of that role of um the guy asked the girl out, right? But you're not gonna have a girl come up to you and tell you how she feels uh about you, right? Typically, I'm I'm talking in in generalities here, right? So for the anxiously attached, they're they're what they're having this conversation with the Lord's like, Lord, I mean, I've asked so-and-so out, I have asked this girl out, and they're great girls, and for whatever reason it's not working out, like what's what's going on here? You know, I want to honor you, I want to build a life with someone so that we can honor you together, and and everything that I try is not working. What's is there something wrong with me? Uh, you know, am I not praying enough? Then then your God attachment starts to get come into play, right? So not only is is your relationship attachment being questioned, now you're questioning your relationship with God. Like, am I not doing enough? Like, Lord, what else do I need to do so that I can um be appealing to these Christian girls? Like, what what else can I do there? And again, uh that's where you can grow in your relationship with God, or it might even push you away. It might make you feel worse about yourself. Like, you know what, God's probably not blessing me because you know, things from my past, you know, I did some things that I just was I'm I'm ashamed of, and I maybe that's why God hasn't blessed me with someone yet. Right? Could be a conversation. Another thing could be, well, maybe you know, I've I I need to be more committed, like you're involved in everything, you're doing all the right things, you're reading your Bible, you're praying, you're seeking community, you're investing in people, sharing the gospel, you're doing all of the right things, and still you don't have someone. And the belief could be is Lord, what else do I need to do so you can bless me? Or what what am I doing wrong? Right? And obviously in our minds and in our in our heads, we we know that the right thing or or the belief that we should have as believers is to trust God in the process and say, Lord, I you know, I leave it all in your hands and I I want to trust you throughout this process. Um but it's been hard. You can share those things, right? This is this is real life. Like you can share those emotions that you're having about the frustrations or or discouragement that you're experiencing and wanting to pursue someone, like you can do that, right? Oftentimes we either close up or we shame ourselves or we you know we think we need to do more, right? Just share those feelings with it can really deepen your relationship with with the Lord um as you seek him out, right? Um so allow for this experience to press you closer into the Lord, but what we often do is Lord, I trust you, and then you just leave it at that. And then here here's a big thing too is that if you have these multiple experiences where you're being rejected, it's very, very easy, even after two or three rejections, to stop trying and to say, you know what, I'm just not gonna try anymore. I'm not gonna try this anymore, and it's just not worth it anymore. The rejection is too painful, it's too much, I don't I don't want to do this anymore. Right? So then what happens is they say, Well, I'm just gonna trust God to to do what he does, and they just kind of passively wait, and there could be a very kind, sweet Christian girl who he's interested in and he won't do anything because he wants to just wait on the Lord. And waiting on the Lord means some sort of sign a girl is gonna come up to him and tell him that uh she wants to marry him and all these things, right? They they wait for the the best outcome where they don't have to do anything. Uh, personally, I don't think that that's a right approach. I think you still continue to do the asking out and trusting God to open doors and close doors, right? But it can be very discouraging. Um, so I I do want to want to empathize with that. So this is a very complex situation. Um, so as for those of you guys who are listening, as you're thinking about if you uh want to share or or ask a question, be as detailed as you can so I can really address your question specifically. And Jameson, obviously, you're my first uh um listener who submitted this this request or this question, and I really appreciate it. So I hope that I'm touching on some things that are relatable to your experience and um that you're able to to see the heart behind it. Um, but yeah, man, I I I just want to again just encourage you. Now, I let me see. I think there's one more piece here that I may have missed. Uh Struggling to see her only as a friend and letting go of my feelings as I see her often at various church groups. Okay, so I do want to address this piece. Letting go of your feelings often means just shutting down. Right. I don't want to feel this anymore. I don't want to think about her anymore. Um, I still can see her as a friend, but I don't want to have these romantic feelings towards her, right? That's really hard to shut shut off when you're um uh seeing her all of the time, right? So you kind of have to narrate a different type of story around you and her, right? That you don't make it about there's something wrong with you, but you make it about maybe, you know what? Maybe this is and this is a classic cliche, it's redirection, not rejection type thing. Um I get the sentiment, but it doesn't really connect at a deep level for those who have been uh rejected. Um but one way that you can look at this is um, you know what, she's still such a a great girl. And um I I appreciate knowing someone like her. And if I find someone who is who is like her, you know, I think now I have a better idea of what I'm looking for, right? You can kind of frame it in that way because what that does is it puts the responsibility on you and not on external factors or other people, right? Like you now know based on what you've seen in this girl, this friend, um, what you like, right? There's a reason why you wanted to ask her out. You saw some qualities in her that you liked. And had she said yes, you would have gone to know even more about her, right? So at least on the surface, you know some things that you like about her. So now you can use that as a template as like, okay, when I see that because that drew me in, I want I want to ask that type of girl out. Okay. So you might find someone else down the road who has those same attributes and you might feel attracted to that, right? And again, you'll you'll have an idea. So you ask her out, and if things are able to go on a first date, you learn more in that first date. If there's a second date, you learn more and more, right? So see it more as an opportunity to learn about the things that you enjoy about um the type of women that you that you want to date. Um, so it could be an opportunity for that, just for more clarity on the type of girl that you're looking to serve the Lord with. Okay. Um, and again, don't make this about your identity, meaning that there's nothing wrong with you as a person. Okay. You can reframe this in a way of saying, again, the Lord, um I I've been able to draw closer to the Lord because of this, because I have so many questions. I I've had so much doubt about myself, uh, maybe lack of confidence, whatever the case is, talk to the Lord about those things. Talk to him about the feelings that you have for this girl, right? Um, I do, you know, for those of you guys who know me, um I do a lot of things where they don't come off as um, gosh, how do I phrase this? I'm I'm even trying to figure out how I would phrase this. I wouldn't be considered the romantic type, I guess we can say that. Um, but I think one of the things that I've learned about myself is I'm actually a hopeless romantic. I love hearing stories about people who get together after be it a long pursuit, or it could be people who were friends for a long time and one of them wasn't interested. Typically it's a girl who's not interested, and then eventually the guy kind of persists and pursues, and you know, he wins her over. And I just love that. I actually heard um that there was a couple I met last year um at a wedding, and uh I I was able to talk to them. I said, So, how'd you guys meet and so on? And they shared that story. And she said, Yeah, I I just wasn't attracted, I had nothing to do with it, I just wasn't attracted to him. And then the second time it was uh we were both in different places in our lives, and then he still asked her out another a third time, and then finally, you know, they started dating and obviously they they became friends and got married and and so on. So I I love hearing those stories uh of other people, it's it's very uh heartwarming, I guess you can say. Um, but I love those stories. I I love hearing that. And um, Jameson, I don't know if this is gonna be the case for you, but if it does, please, please let me know. I would be so happy to hear from you if that if that were to happen. But again, for right now, if there's any advice, as as I said earlier, that I can give, give yourself some space, you know. Uh if you find that you can be around her, and again, just seeing her as a friend means that you treat her as a friend. Um, that doesn't mean that the feelings are gonna go away, if that makes sense, right? Just treat her as a friend as you were before you asked her out and let the feelings go away with time. Just give it time, right? It's not gonna go away. You can do that, or if you find that to be too difficult where the feelings get too strong, then create some space. You know, uh avoid um situations or outings and hangouts where you know she's gonna be there, right? Maybe your heart and your your mind needs a little bit of space uh between that, okay? And then lastly, um again, your identity, obviously rooted and founded in Christ, but even in that, you're allowed to feel or you're you're still gonna feel these things that are very real to the human experience. Okay, so allow those things to just be there and ask your questions to the Lord, see community, right? Get together with your guy friends and and um just hang out with them, seek out community. And then again, now you also have a template or at least some other characteristics and qualities of what you'd be looking for in a future spouse or dating partner, whichever one. Um, well, dating does lead to marriage, so you know what I'm saying. Anyways, uh guys, thank you for listening to this podcast. Uh again, it feels very different. I I kind of like this though, though. It was uh I feel like I was able to be in a one-on-one conversation with Jameson. So, Jameson, thank you again for uh sharing uh your question. And again, I do want to encourage everyone else if you have a question, please send them. I I would love to do another episode like this. Um, and obviously, this then also allows me to think about other topics that you guys are are um considering uh or thinking about, and um we'll go from there. All right, all right, guys. Well, thank you again. I will see you guys next week. Have a good one and feel free to share this episode. Thanks.