Ep154 - Why do I feel like I am unlovable? (Lonely/loneliness) Artwork

The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD

With this podcast I aim to help people with my knowledge and the deconstruction to give them the tools, knowledge, security and understanding to help them with their healing journey, partner, (C-)PTSD, PTS or the like.The aim is to help people cure themselves or at least improve their journey to getting cured and not just healed and to finally have a life worth living again - not just surviving.The original goal was to just tell my path, but while doing the podcast I realized the dire situation of PTSD resources and changed it to be more broad and make my instructions more universal.This nightmare of an illness is quite easily defeated if you know what to do and it no longer can hide in the shadows, that make it immune. But it DOES require a lot of work and effort. I use PTSD to include all form of traumas. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask, I usually answer them per mail or in the episode if more is needed. I also offer therapy to help more directly.More information and transcripts you can find at: https://www.johannadraconis.com/podcast/

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The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD

Ep154 - Why do I feel like I am unlovable? (Lonely/loneliness)

May 20, 2023 • Johanna Draconis • Episode 154

0:00 | 7:04

In this episode we will talk about feeling unlovable and to a part about loneliness - because if you feel unlovable than no matter how many people tell you that they love you - you won’t believe them. A very difficult topic, but also integral for a life with happiness and love.It is - of course - not to point fingers at anyone and call it a day, but to help you understand what happened, where it came from and what you can do. First we get into why feeling unlovable is so devastating, then why it is so hard to get to the source, then the cause and then what now.

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Transcript: https://www.johannadraconis.com/episode154

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Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about feeling unlovable and to a part about loneliness - because if you feel unlovable than no matter how many people tell you that they love you - you won’t believe them. A very difficult topic, but also integral for a life with happiness and love.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:32]
Now I could give you the short answer, that someone made you feel this way. Which isn’t really helping, so let us get into it from the start. And I really hate to say it, as it is such a trope, but the source usually lies in the childhood - or at least a seed that was planted there.
And you need to remember, that it is only relevant how something made you feel - not what the intention was. It is - of course - not to point fingers at anyone and call it a day, but to help you understand what happened, where it came from and what you can do.
First we get into why feeling unlovable is so devastating, then why it is so hard to get to the source, then the cause and then what now.

Why feeling unlovable is so devastating [1:26]
The main reason we fear being unlovable is our deep built in fear to be left behind by the group - which used to be a death sentence. That is why we experience physical consequences when we feel excluded or as an outsider. Can we survive on our own?
So many things have to do with this very feeling. Why people don’t step out of line, why we behave in accordance to the group even if we feel differently, why we want to be the most attractive person or with the most money or power and so on.
So we are not left behind - or at least so we feel safer about not being left behind, because in the back of our minds, we still know its a possibility. The more insecure, the more the hunger for fame, beauty, the perfect partner, power, money or whatever you think helps.
If you built your self confidence on any of these factors - than that is build on sand. As these are external factors and therefor dependent on other peoples opinions - which are wonky in the best of times.

Why it is so hard to get to the source [2:39]
If you want to get to the source - than you need some sort of stability or the like, because we are going to a very painful area which is very sensitive. Many people don’t realize, how sensitive children are to the feelings and expressions and the like of their caregivers.
A slight twitch of the mouth is enough for a child to also dislike a person. People give WAY more away every day than their assume - even to other adults. We are social beings who are relative solid in picking such things up - even if we can’t put a finger on it.
Another aspect is, that children often put their care givers on a pedestal - we are basically programmed to do so. It ensures our survival - as we are at their mercy, but also the most likely ones to show us how to survive. They are the center of our little universe.
So going against anything we were taught or learned as a child is going against something deeply rooted in our core survival programming - which the brain avoids at all costs. After all it kept you alive so far didn’t it? So why change a working system?
And you are not supposed to live so long anyway - nature helps you only until around 25 - after that its your responsibility.

The cause [4:13]
Which leads us back to the cause of feeling unlovable. The reason you feel unlovable is, because someone who was supposed to love you - didn’t. Or at least not in the way or form you needed it to be. Children need more than the basic love - they need caring love.
They need to feel safe in the knowledge that their parents won’t abandon them. As established - the care givers are on a pedestal - so they can’t be wrong. And everyone is telling you - no one loves you like your family! So the child forms the conclusion:
If even they don’t love me - I must be hopeless. Usually they even say they love you - but there is something missing. Usually actions to confirm the words spoken. And in this case it leaves your brain with only 2 options - either they lied about loving me or I am unlovable.
Since they couldn’t possible lie - according to your brain - it must be the other. That they are doing what they can - despite the child being unlovable. Now it all makes sense and the brain has a functioning world view again. Experiences may differ of course.

What now [5:39]
But this is usually what it boils down to. So it is important to understand - and not just to know - that your parents were just people - or maybe something worse. And that maybe you really didn’t get enough as a child and you deserved and deserve better.
The best thing you can do is to love and care for yourself as you should have been. If you don’t believe yourself to be worthy of love - other people will follow your instructions. Even if you send them out completely unconsciously.
It is so hard to change this line of thinking, but the confirmation must come from yourself and not an outside source. How to love yourself and get more self confidence - we get into next time.

Outro [6:35]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description.
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.

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Johanna Draconis

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