Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! I am Johanna Draconis and I welcome you to “The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD” podcast.
In this episode we will talk about abuse language - the language that is designed to weaken the victim and used as a weapon by the abuser to maintain and expand their control over the victim. Abuse language is hard to explain if you don’t know the mechanics.
So let us talk about it.
Prelude [0:26]
As just mentioned - if you try to explain the abuse language to those who don’t know it will likely sound pretty weird or even crazy to be upset about. Ever complained about something that was said to you, that deeply upset you, but all you get is puzzled faces?
That sounds you might have been a victim of abuse language. Or - of course - got upset over nothing big or didn’t convey the full situation properly. That is always of course also possible. And that deniability is absolutely key. But I am getting ahead of myself.
A significant sign that it isn’t one of the other options is a reduction of your self esteem and trouble voicing your opinion or making choices or establishing and maintaining relationships or dealing with feedback or reading conversations and so on.
The list is significant and I could go on much longer, but the pattern is clear. It is to destabilize you, your self esteem, your self image, your social network, your work - basically everything. To make you as much of a mess as possible and therefor an easy target.
We first talk about deniability, then teaching the language, then the slow game and then planting the seeds.
Deniability [1:50]
We start with deniability, because it is absolutely key in the abuse language. “I didn’t say that” - the classic phrase and so effective. One way is to egg the victim on in public, then act shocked if they lash back and the people around unintentionally help the abuser.
The abuser can only win - either by getting to abuse, weaken and lowering the victim or by getting material and support for future abuse and plans. It is a win win - for the abuser. They do that usually by establishing context that is deniable and unique to the relationship.
We get into that in a bit, but they usually always say things that out of context seem completely harmless and they have deniability. Because this way the victim can’t find arguments against the abuser or ask for help, as nothing really ever seems bad enough.
Since the abuser is moving the goalpost and is usually never were the victim expects the abuser to be - the abuser remains elusive. At least as long the victim expects the abuser to be a normal human being. Once the jinx is up - things get extremely dangerous for the victim.
That can go from harmful to potentially lethal. As the abuser needs deniability - a knowledgeable witness and former victim stands in the way of that. Either by destroying the person, the reputation or even worse things. Stay safe, stay silent and get out.
Teaching the language [3:26]
It all starts with teaching the language - which happens almost from the start. That makes it easier to establish it as normal and avoids references. The teaching is mostly done via sub text and punishing the victim if they don’t pick up the correct interpretation.
Often used with an undertone that is hard to detect or describe. To use an obvious example: You sort your clothes by type - just like your father did. Soon the victim learns that the phrase “just like your father did” means the victim is doing something wrong or bad.
But usually also implying that because the father is different - that it doesn’t matter if HE does it and maybe some triangulation to isolate. Now lets say you are at a BBQ and the abuser says to the victim “look at you grilling the meat - just like your father did”.
Now any questions regarding if it’s an insult, what the victim is doing wrong or almost any emotional reaction will come off as extremely emotional. Which will likely be met with laughter by bystanders in response to the sudden tension and a confused acting abuser.
Usually there are several sentences with several meanings but often similar topics. This way the victim has a harder time pin pointing what is happening and causing harm. It’s like catching a black clothed person in the shadows with a flashlight.
The slow game [4:57]
All of this happens slowly - it is a slow game that is being played. Which means the abuser has to be patient and disciplined. That doesn’t mean all of this happens consciously - it is not unlikely that many act on instinct. But definitely not with good intentions.
Teaching someone else a new language just takes time - even if its theoretically the same language. This likely happened to you if you started to play a fantasy game or at your work place. Places who have their own words and phrases.
The slow burn also makes it almost impossible to pin point how it began - where it got worse or when did you learn any of that? Some were born into it without any chance of ever learning the normal language. Either way the extreme becomes more and more normal.
And other people are now starting to send you mixed signals - because you are attuned to the twisted meanings of the abuser. Which helps making the victim more isolated and appear more unstable and unbelievable. Cutting every life line the victim has - one by one.
Which is also why most people react or notice when it is way too late - and even if they do are unable to come to terms with the reality of it. Or even long after can’t understand what happened to them. This is quite accurately portrayed in the movie tangled.
Planting the seeds [6:29]
Now teaching the language is one side of abuse language and the other is destroying the victim as a person by planting the seeds. Or in other words chipping away on them and destroying their self esteem until basically nothing is left. It also happens slowly.
For example constantly questioning what you did, like: The keys? You put them on the drawer? THAT drawer? Like this morning? Until you constantly doubt yourself and are maybe not even sure what you did this morning at all. And will now constantly need reassurance.
As the abuser always seems to know what is going on and the victim doesn’t. Another method is backhanded compliments: “I mean you look great for the time you had to do it.” And if there is a resisting response it is often either “Oh nothing nothing” or it was joke.
And of course you are doing everything wrong. Questions like “You plan to finish this right?” or “You still remember we have an appointment?” or “I had to clean the plates because they weren’t really clean, you know?” Often being very passive, implicating or nagging.
And you always have to defend yourself. More and more the victim becomes attuned to everything about the abuser - every face muscle, every voice shift, every breath will tell the victim what the abuser is expecting. And others will have no idea what is going on.
Outro [8:08]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful and that you’re well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com.
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com and links are in the description. You can also find me under @johannadraconis on Youtube, twitter and instagram.
I hope to see you next time. Stay safe, take care and have a wonderful time.