Infidelity- Drew and Lynda Atkins

In this episode we learn how Drew and Lynda uncovered multiple affairs in their marriage, and what it has looked like to begin the healing process. 

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Transcript

spk_2:   0:02
thank you for listening to distinct podcast. Recorded live from Fresno, California this is the distinct podcast today. Joining Nick and Andrea are Drew and Linda Atkins. This family is six, like many families have chosen to give their Children names that all begin with the same letter Dane Dawson, Darby and Declan dying. That's downright delightful. Both True and Linda are journeying through regeneration together. Drew has a heart for marriage and a passion for rigorous honesty isn't that refreshing. This guy is witty, smart, well spoken and has a deep passion for Jesus. Like Drew, Linda shares many of those characteristics, but let's add funny loud and it times out smoking. This should be fun today. Nick and Andrea take it away and welcome to the distinct podcast the Atkins.

Drew:   1:03
Wow, that's hilarious. Another one from, like all Well, he's pretty good at those. Yes, he's becoming iconic. Absolutely. But surely Well, Drew Linda, how's going? Thank you guys for coming. You're finally here.

spk_0:   1:21
It did not look

Drew:   1:23
like that was gonna happen. There was a month of this is gonna just gonna be the best one. And then it was like I'm done. I'm not I'm not coming. The podcast? No, but you guys were here. So

spk_0:   1:36
you know, the first thing I had ass is Was there any fights? I

Drew:   1:41
told him the night before. I'm, like, rub her feet. And, uh,

spk_0:   1:47
did you guess why you offered to me? Oh,

spk_1:   1:49
yeah. It was his

Drew:   1:51
idea. I was like, I got you.

spk_1:   1:53
I got you. I got you said, how can I serve? I was like, uh when I

Drew:   1:57
said, maybe you should serve. He's like I'll, uh, on your feet. Let's just straight up lie like

spk_0:   2:02
you should have heard the first thing he said to me, though I could really go for some tonight. Oh, no, wait. I massage your feet for you. Oh, thank you. Not know that,

Drew:   2:19
guys, they're here. I'm so happy. I'm just happy that gets here. Mercy's here. I think she's gonna be quiet.

spk_1:   2:26
It's hard to know she's

Drew:   2:27
Yeah, silent. Well, we do have a couple other updates before we start. Which is we wanted to say again, thank you to this mystery person that prepared our car car blue.

spk_0:   2:37
Thank you so much.

Drew:   2:38
And this guy said, Hey, take it to a shop. Well, one of our reengaged leaders that Hey, there's somebody that wants to help chip in and pay for your car. Appear because our car a sea without and they covered it all. Wow. Awesome. Yeah. We can't figure out who it is. We're hunting him down. Hopefully there, listening. And we just want to say thank you again.

spk_0:   2:56
Such a blessing. Don't want to be hunted down.

Drew:   2:58
I know they don't. Yeah, I just want to give him a hug and say thank you. I mean, that was just

spk_0:   3:03
I mean, it definitely makes me want to repay that to someone else. Oh,

Drew:   3:07
hey, aboard and thank you guys for listening. Thank you for your donations which are coming in and are making this podcast possible. And we very much appreciate it. And, you know, that's really it's so Drew in. Linda, how we got connected, Drew. How did we get connected? Thanksgiving. That's right. So a friend of Dre is who she used to work with. Her brother Drew was at a Thanksgiving dinner. And that's how we connected. So we wanted to hear more about Well, we wanted to hear about you guys. And so if you could start and just give us. Ah, give the listeners a little bit about who you are. Maybe you're kind. You're childhood where you came to faith. Whatever you say. Would you like to

spk_0:   3:51
start? So I grew up in a broken home. My parents were divorced before I was even a year old. So I grew up for about 10 maybe 12 years, going back and forth between my mom and dad's house every every week. I was baptized when I was 12. I was afraid, e. I was afraid of going to hell and so high I was baptized

Drew:   4:15
would say that you were actually saved right there.

spk_0:   4:17
No. Okay. No, Um, and I didn't really have a strong relationship with Lord from that point until I was 19. When I moved to Fresno, I went to President Pacific, and I lived on campus, and I was baptized again when I was 19 because I had a genuine faith in the Lord.

Drew:   4:39
How about you?

spk_1:   4:39
So yeah, I was raised in a home with to loving Christian parents. Ah, we grew up going to church every Sunday, um, or home school family. So I was I was home schooled from well, pretty much, Kate. Yes, I know clues or whatever I

Drew:   4:57
was going to say. Are you Were you

spk_1:   4:59
made fun of going having completely from what

Drew:   5:04
I ever did in our conversations, that somewhat of, like, a sensitive

spk_1:   5:07
Yeah, When I was going to home school, it wasn't like the cool thing. So the kids in the neighborhood, um, I was not one of them, and I certainly didn't feel normal.

Drew:   5:18
You told me that. And I thought it was so weird that you were insecure because the way that you speak, it's very articulate, you know? Yeah, I

spk_1:   5:29
think it's I think there's something about just being different. I ended up graduating a year early, so I started Ah, Community College at 16. It was fairly sheltered. My parents love us very much and have really sought Toa protect us from the world. You know, there's a lot of garbage out there, you know, I had confessed belief at seven in a wanna and was baptized. I don't know about 10 or 11 but looking back, I think that was more just This is what you know. This is our families, is what we do it. And while I believed intellectually. Um, I think my life really showed that there was not. Not hard knowledge. I was very young. A lot of religious action. Not not true surrender.

Drew:   6:15
Okay, so coming into marriage, what did that look like? Gives, like a snapshot of how you two met and how you got engaged or married.

spk_0:   6:25
So when I when I moved up to Fresno, I was actually dating somebody. And when I came here, I just really felt the need to not be in a relationship. I really felt like I really wanted to spend time with Lord and figure out what he had for me. And so we broke up. And this one particular weekend at the end of the semester, it was in December. I chose not to go home. I don't remember why. And, um, I went to church that morning and I looked over and I was like, Oh, hey, uh, who's that? And it was Drew. Of course

spk_1:   7:05
I wanted to meet her.

spk_0:   7:06
I think we literally said, like two words to each other that night and nothing else. And then he cyber stalked me, um, on instant message.

Drew:   7:17
And then what?

spk_0:   7:18
And then I went home for Christmas break. A couple days later, he talked quite a bit. Yeah,

Drew:   7:24
so when you guys were dating, did you guys have good boundaries? Would you say, having heard kind of Chris and Shannon's boarding

spk_1:   7:31
that you guys want to? Because I heard Chris talk about I kissed Aidan goodbye. And I laughed out loud because I had read the same book on. And when we got together, I was very much interested in in sharing those ideas and maintaining some pretty strict boundaries. I mean, we we didn't kiss until gosh, we're engaged right before.

Drew:   7:53
Pretty good.

spk_0:   7:54
Who are you talking to? You. No,

spk_1:   7:59
you tell me.

spk_0:   8:00
Oh, no. Oh, no. We kissed all the time.

spk_1:   8:04
No, I'm wrong.

spk_0:   8:05
Yeah, you are wrong.

spk_1:   8:07
But we didn't make out for a long time for a long time.

spk_0:   8:12
Oh, my gosh. Just tell me now. Out of way. We did set out to We did initially set out to not kiss before we were married. But yes. No, no, no. We're We're engaged. There were so many. He

spk_2:   8:29
showed you

Drew:   8:30
the book, and then he's, like, through behind

spk_0:   8:32
Kiss that dating, but goodbye. Yeah, no, we kiss. We set off Thio not. And we found that it was harder than we had expected. And I feel like when we did start kissing, that's kind of when we started letting things kind of slip like Okay, Well, um, casings not bad, right? We're not We're not having sex, so it's okay.

Drew:   9:03
So what would you encourage? What encouragement would you offer to somebody that's in an engagement? Gonna be engaged? Would you tell him?

spk_1:   9:11
Gosh, keep your guard up. Um, that that's primary. I mean that one of the biggest things I think is just having a circle of friends and accountability. People who actually keep you in check.

spk_0:   9:25
I'd venture to say that our spiritual lives, we really weren't rocking with God at that time. And so I think it's important Thio keep strengthening your relationship with Jesus with those mentors and people around you. Like we didn't we didn't have people around us guiding us and helping us and supporting us and teaching us and keeping us accountable. And

spk_1:   9:46
because let's be honest, if you're if you're done it of your own effort not gonna happen here, Kendall, you're gonna fail.

spk_0:   9:51
It's funny, cause I've been thinking about this so much with Dawson gonna be 12 soon. I mean, I know it's not like dating age, but I'm like he's getting older. And how'm I gonna encourage himto be the man that he needs to be in a future relationship, you know? And so it's definitely worth praying about. And as a parent, you know, you don't want to see him make the same mistakes, and you want to encourage himto tow, walk with the Lord and make sure that his relations his relationship with the Lord is in a good place so that he can help guide, um, future wife and teach and, you know, know how to love her. Well,

Drew:   10:25
so your marriage, what did the first year look like? Or maybe, maybe not the first year, but this past year. So you've been married eight years?

spk_0:   10:36
No. He's been married 12.5, 12

Drew:   10:39
years. Okay, 12.5. So the last couple years have been interesting, to say the least, just speak into kind of fill us in as listeners. What? What's gone on and and what we can glean from?

spk_1:   10:56
Well, um,

spk_0:   11:02
marriage has been less than ideal. Yeah,

spk_1:   11:07
I feel like I've got to go back to, like, 14 and, you know, in first exposed to pornography and porno, masturbation has been around their sense, you know, way back dealing with lust or or living in lust. But I was kind of thought that I'm in a certain point, that marriage would fix that and have an outlet. Um, So when we got married and it wasn't about me being served sexually, I think that was a bit of Ah, just kind of a shock. So, like our honeymoon, Like our honeymoon with a huge thing for me for a while Because we didn't, like, consummate the marriage for, like, three days. Um, things were difficult. Just nothing's kind of, you know, we're not meshing. It's too forced. And so it was. That was a big struggle.

Drew:   11:56
And how did that bleed into the past couple of years?

spk_1:   11:59
Well, I mean, just going through going through life. Um, I think by your five, you know, we've got two kids, um, things restrained. I mean, we had we got pregnant a month into our marriage. So, you know, having porn and masturbation not go away after marriage. And it continue. Really? If I'm looking back. It was it was an addiction that really ramped up as things were tough. You know, in this this, uh, fifth year of marriage and being out on my own, I'm I'm out on my routes by myself. Um, my mind wandering, you know, plenty of freedom. Hearing about massage parlors, like, kind of getting stung. And, wow, this is like in our backyard. What kind of doing Research. Hey, does really exist. Are these around? Is this a thing? How do you get involved in this? And there's websites out there devoted toe.

Drew:   13:00
So just to interrupt you right there Ah, that's your enticed. So before you can even be tempted. This is Ah, Ephesians or Hebrew. It's in the Bible. Um, before you could be tempted, you are enticed and enticed is a hunting term. Literally. You sought it out? Yes. Then you are tempted.

spk_1:   13:19
Yes. Yeah. So, ah, with this being enticed, um, and then, you know, seeking it out. I ended up hurting my back one Saturday. Um, I had cash from a job and I had the excuse. My mind. Oh, well, you know, I'll go get the I hurt my back worked out the whole time. I'm looking for a place that seems shady in a not shady part of town. And sure enough, it, you know, I sought it out and achieve what I was looking for.

Drew:   13:52
What do you mean?

spk_1:   13:52
Happy ending. Um, except the happy ending is ah, followed by immense guilt and shame and ah, regret feeling like, how did I get there? Why did they make this decision? And, you know, vowing I'm never gonna do this again. There's no way I'm gonna tell Linda. I'm just gonna die with us Secret and Ah, yeah, but didn't work because because it's a secret. It perpetuated itself. In the next time I'm tempted or enticed, I'm even less resistant to the thought because I've already I've already broken the seal

Drew:   14:32
already. Done it once.

spk_1:   14:33
You know, um and she was pretty vehement about if you ever cheat on me, I'm done. I'm leaving you. The whole nature of the secrecy actually made it worse. And it happened over and over and over again. Toe where I end up one night looking for another massage place. I might be open at 11 o'clock at night and it turns out that there was one person who answered the phone. I end up going out there and turns out of Theta Tau motel. You know, am I Am I thinking I'm I'm searching for something to toe go all the way with I want to have sex. So I end up at this place. And sure enough, it's at a motel, and yeah, it's prostitute. She laughed at me for acting like I was really gonna get a massage and laying in bed on my face. And, um

Drew:   15:27
I don't know. I think that's why Tell me this before laughing.

spk_1:   15:32
It's it's stupid, me acting innocent and really,

Drew:   15:36
it's crazy how far you actually would go in in that.

spk_1:   15:38
Yeah, it really is. And, uh, And after, we're just feeling like, how was the most disgusting place I've ever been that I I let my guard down so far and just feeling disgusting. Um, but again, it's just another step. Keeping it a secret. Can't tell anybody and like, like Satan convince you You can't tell anybody. Yeah, you're you're gonna

Drew:   16:07
be You're gonna die with it like you're gonna take a tire. Yeah, I would. Second a note. There too, which is a luxury if you could speak into it. But like your saint, disgusted and just it was the worst. Uh, I think there are people that need to hear that. That and Linda, you could speak into it too, I think. Having been a victim victim in air. Quote of Dreyfus affair. I know. I can think of what it was like. It was probably the best it was for me. The worst thing ever. But coming from my own affairs, I would say no. Like you just said Disgusting. Shameful. It was the worst. There's nothing. Nothing enjoyable, really about it. It was not what I think your affair was just, wasn't it? It was sin. It was wrong. It can't be good. And I think that they're people that probably need to hear that I don't believe the lies in your head

spk_1:   17:06
that it was. And through this I'm realizing. Okay, why did it take me going through this to realize that Yeah, sex and marriage is way better. Yes. You're an idiot. Oh, yeah. Love is a big part of of intimacy, like you're not gonna be fulfilled without that connection through. And so each one of these encounters. Um, and it it I've lost track of details since we've dealt with it and put it in the past, Um,

Drew:   17:39
which I can also really do.

spk_1:   17:40
I think in total is at nine.

spk_0:   17:43
I don't remember.

spk_1:   17:44
Okay, good. I mean, just to touch a little bit like each one. Not a single one of them Fulfilled what I was looking for. I was It was never a good feeling. It was, um, a very short lived thing that always left me feeling like I'm a dirtbag. And it Woz

Drew:   18:03
and I can second that absolutely,

spk_0:   18:05
that he's a dirtbag. That Yeah,

spk_1:   18:10
that's the truth. Um, you know, my sin, my desires lead from let me down A very sinful path that caused a lot of damage. A lot of damage.

Drew:   18:25
I mean, in we're getting ready to hear about it, but and that's exactly what I mean. I'm saying you're right there with you. How awesome is the grace that you get to feel and receive on a daily basis from your wife for hearing it and for forgiving you. I mean, I get to do that with her, just like do you actually Do you remember what I said? I did. And, uh,

spk_0:   18:48
I just think of the prodigal son, the prodigal son. Even like you're in that pig sty. And you come to realize where you're actually Ott and it's your father. You realize what you're where you're at and your father is arms wide open just to give you love right there.

Drew:   19:10
Crushing, Yeah, crushing. It's I Shay told a story in residency about it, the prodigal son, and he wrote his dad and notice that Adam's just so embarrassed. And I'm gonna write a trained by our house, and, uh, I can't even come up to you. So if it's okay with you, I'd like to be a servant in your house. And if that's okay, just put a sheet on one of the bushes outside. And as I passed the house on the train, if I see his sheet, I'll know I'll get off. But if I don't see a sheet, then I won't get off. And so he gets you tell somebody that's on the train as he's getting ready to pass. What he wrote his dad and that guy taps him. He's like, Son, you need to look out the window right now and he looks and it's just sheets as far as you can see. Yeah, And so that's what she you? Well, that's what forgiveness feels like. Yeah. So what did that finding out look like?

spk_0:   20:03
So, first of all, I should say that I was won t weeks pregnant 1920 weeks pregnant with an unexpected fourth child. And I remember that I had gone to Vice Celia, that the weekend that I had found out Drew was busy doing, um, in evangelism conference with a with a family friend. And so I get a text from Drew saying that he wanted to go get a massage, but he I want to make sure it was okay, you know, financially went on. And so I said, Yeah, sure, I hadn't known anything. Um, I've been pretty ignorant and naive toward that whole side of things that massage parlors, people have joked about it, but I've always thought it was a joke. And so I usually laughing, Okay, Yeah, whatever. You know, um, I literally just I didn't think that that really existed. And so we worked it out, and he had gone to get a massage, and I came home that night with the kids but the kids to bed and Joe and I were just laying in bed and we started talking about the massage. I don't really remember how it came up, but I started asking him, you know? And I had asked him times before because I would hear you know about the happy endings and I would be curious. Does that really happen? Has it ever happened? Has somebody ever tried that with you? And he's like, No, you know, and totally downplayed it. I've always tried really hard in the past not to press, because it just makes him mad. Um, but there's always like that little voice of reason in my mind that always has been skeptical. Um, he has a specific face when he's not being truthful, and he said, I'm asking him the same questions and he's like, No, no, but he's making this face and I'm like Something is not right. And I literally asked him, Well, has ever happened to you And he got hesitated, did silent, and he hesitated like everything about his reaction to the question screamed There was something wrong and so my heart is pounding and I'm like, you have, haven't you? And, you know, he reluctantly came out with it. Yes. And so I'm just My heart is racing right now. I'm just looking for any plates nearby, So I, um I really just don't know what to do with this information. It's come out of shock. I think we kept talking a little bit. Drew was definitely very ashamed. And I remember I got up and he stood up and I said, Have you ever cheated on me? And he hung his head low, and I was like, Oh, my gosh. And we're talking like immediate hysterics, like I'm just beside myself because the one person in this entire world who's supposed to love me and cherish me and treat me like a queen, you know, has just totally broken me. I'm thinking in my mind. Okay. Who? Who is it? And that's what I asked him. And he said, I don't know their names, and I'm like, Wait, what? Their names? What are we talking about here? And it came out that, um it was multiple prostitutes, and I just I didn't know what to do with myself. So when did you come to realize that I need to forgive him? That's funny, because it was just a couple hours later. Yeah. Um, if anybody knows me, they know that I am not a forgiving person. I'm not a gracious person. I've learned a lot over the inventory and confession and immense forgiveness process over the last several months. But, um, I could hold onto a grudge, and I can use that grudge too. Terry, you down if I wanted to, Um, I'm just I'm not proud of that. I've worked through a lot of that, but I really felt like that night. God gave me the ability to show so much grace when normally I would show so much anger. I can't really explain it because I always turned anger first. And I remember Drew was kneeling at the end of the bed. It just looked at him and I said, You know, we'll get we'll get through this and we'll get through this together. And I knelt beside him, and it was just to really It was a really beautiful moment, actually. Just

Drew:   25:15
blew me away bedsheets for days.

spk_0:   25:18
Yeah, sobbing And, you know, and remember Drew looked at me. Like what? Who are you? Um, and I just think that realizing that they need grace just as much as we need grace, even though their sentence seems quote unquote bigger than our said, we're all guilty of it. And we need we need to be able to forgive each other.

Drew:   25:47
Yes, I'm so encouraged. When I heard about all this the first time, I was like, Oh, my gosh, someone else finally like, we're not alone. And it's just really this has been a very big encouragement to us just to watch you guys and see you forgive and and you be honest and holding yourself accountable in finding other people. And

spk_1:   26:10
I know, um, if if I may um just, um, some encouragements from from my side if you're in the situation. What I found I was I was done with the way I acted. Funny enough, I actually going back to the evangelism conference. I'm sitting that Friday night listening to one of the speakers, and all of a sudden there's a society or God just sort of, like, steals my attention and says, you know, you're Jonah right now, right? You're never gonna get out of that whale, that pit hole until you surrender.

Drew:   26:59
You're a good man.

spk_0:   27:00
Depress everybody.

spk_1:   27:03
It still gets me. That's when I realized that, you know, I'd been living for myself. Um, and that despite any earthly consequence, ultimately eternity was a long time to spend in their own place. And I needed to get right with where it was. I wasn't serving God. I wasn't my relationship with God. It was all me all the time. It was 100%. My effort and this is this is almost as what it took for me to see it in recognizing that I'm praying on the way home from this conference. Like I can't I can't hold on to this. I have to make it right. I have to serve you, Lord. I have to. I have to do the right thing. I can't keep living in the shadows. Because to that point I had gone. I was drinking excessively of smoking and closet in the closet, but she didn't know it was smoking. Um, a lot of self destructive behavior in a mindset of Well, I'm looking at porn, but at least I'm not going outside May. I'm not. I'm not doing anything physically. And so having this same conversation with God and just surrender right there, I am no longer gonna live for me.

Drew:   28:37
So that was part one. Which room? Linda? Stay tuned for Part two, in which we're going to get into some very interesting things again. Uh, thank you guys for listening like share. Follow us on Instagram donating

spk_2:   28:54
on our website Distinct ministries dot or go on the top right hand corner allows us to stay afloat. It pays are hosting bills and it helped support couples that want to get some time alone at that time. So again, thank you guys. For additional information about distinct ministries, go two distinct ministries dot org's. You can also follow the distinct podcast on Facebook and instagram and email your questions and comments. Toe Andrea at distinct ministries dot org's

spk_1:   29:33
I was drinking excessively of smoking and closet in the closet, but she didn't know it was smoking