So every day, you wake up, immediately get busy, because if you take a moment to think, you will start to go on the rabbit hole of what happened with your child, how you could have prevented it, and get very depressed and not be able to move. So all day, you exhaust yourself, you put your energy into other people, you run run run, you keep so busy, so that at night hopefully you can be so exhausted you just fall asleep without having to think.
I get it. I’ve been there, there is absolutely no judgement from me. But when does it end? Is this kind of behavior sustainable? Is this the way you want to keep living the rest of your life? Where every single day the goal is to not stop because if you stop you start to think or feel something painful, so you keep busy?
Keeping busy feels good, because it feels like you are doing something, when with grief there’s not much you can quote unquote do. There’s nothing you can change, and so keeping busy helps keep your mind off of what is going on.
And we get this advice all the time from well meaning people. Just keep busy so you don’t have to think about it. Maybe you should get a job so you can keep busy. I think this is some of the most damaging advice we can give to grievers and tell ourselves.
Keeping busy feels good, because it keeps you from thinking or feeling things that are painful. It’s scary to think that if you start to get depressed you will never come out of it. That if you start to feel something, you will be stuck in that forever. Yes, if you don’t have the tools and skills to move through it, it’s easy to get stuck, which is why I would encourage you to join me in Stop Talking Start feeling, where you can begin to process and work through things in a slow way- you can go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to join there, or else make sure you have a guide who is walking alongside of you, who knows how to help you through this experience of pain, and the thoughts that come with grief.
So- like I said before, is this the way you want to keep living? Understanding that this is a coping mechanism is hugely important, and might help you loosen some judgment you might have about yourself. First start with- getting curious. Is this how I’m coping with my grief? Is this a way I’m trying to manage all the thoughts and emotions that feel so overwhelming for me? Remember, in order to let go of this coping mechanism, it’s important to begin to build tools and skills in another way, so that you can handle and process the emotions and thoughts that right now feel so scary. So you don’t need to do everything at once, and you don’t need to try to drink from a fire hose. Make little changes, and slowly you can begin to shift from keeping busy and running yourself ragged every day, to having skills and tools to process what’s going on inside.
It’s so important to not bring judgement into the picture when you do this. I talk about this often, but it’s so important. So often, when we become aware of our actions, emotions, or thoughts, we start to judge ourselves. What’s wrong with me? Other moms don’t think that way? What kind of person does that? Etc. But, lead with curiosity,and let yourself be open to learning how you are doing things, because it is from that place that you can begin to change things. When you put judgement on it, all you want to do is shove it back down and hide. Bring it out into the open, and get curious.
Are you someone who keeps busy? Share in the Facebook group what you learned in this episode, and what small step you are going to take today slow down and begin to make time for your emotions, your thoughts, and your grief.
See you next week friends! Take care!