Ep. 9-Jim Sheils: 18 Summers To Create Lasting Connection with Your Children and Family

If you could do one thing that you knew would dramatically strengthen your family in just a few hours, would you do it? That's the question we pose in the Family Board Meeting, the simple guide to reconnecting with your children that has spread around the globe.

Discover the elegant and powerful strategy that promises to: *Connect you more deeply with your children *Reduce "screen sucking" and device dependence *Make each child in your family feel important and unique *Help you feel more open and authentic with your children *Increase your happiness at home *Building an enduring family legacy of connection and memories The Family Board Meeting is a carefully designed, easy-to-follow guide to creating quality time with your children. It takes only minutes to plan your first Board Meeting... and it's guaranteed to be a ton of fun for both you and your child! Welcome to the most important meeting of your life.

Motivated by what he saw as one of the most tragic challenges of modern life--the disconnection of busy entrepreneurs from their families--Jim developed the Family Board Meeting process to help business owners bridge the gaps between themselves and their loved ones. Since then, both Jim's message and his book, the Amazon best-seller "The Family Board Meeting," have spread around the globe. Often called "Crazy Glue" for families, Jim's popular and simple frameworks now reach thousands of parents worldwide, helping them feel more connected with their kids, be happier at home and leave a lasting legacy.

Jim is the founder of 18 Summers, which specializes in live events, workshops and private consulting for organizations looking to strengthen their family lives while still succeeding in business.

He's an in-demand public speaker, and owns a private real estate company that has done more than $200 million in transactions.

Jim is an avid surfer and enjoys traveling with family and friends, especially his beautiful wife Jamie and their four children, Alden, Leland, Magnolia, and Sampson.

His greatest adventure to date? Donating a kidney to the best guy on the planet, his father.

To contact Jim about media appearances or speaking at your event, visit www.JimSheils.com.
Learn more about 18 Summers at www.18summers.com

Buy The Family Board Meeting: You Have 18 Summers To Create Lasting Connection with Your Children
https://amzn.to/2ImspgU


For more information about The Business Growth Summit and Business Finishing School: http://bit.ly/Bfsgrowth

Jason can be reached for therapy, coaching, alternative medicine and speaking engagements at www.thefamilyroomsfl.com.
Reach out to him to set up a free consultations to tackle your goals.
(954) 324-3677
jason@thefamilyroomsfl.com
www.thefamilyroomsfl.com
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

This is the you winning life podcast, your number one source for mastering a positive existence. Each episode we'll be interviewing exceptional people, giving you empowering insights and guiding you to extraordinary outcomes, learn from specialists in the worlds of integrative and natural wellness, spirituality, psychology, and entrepreneurship. So you too can be winning light. Now here's your host, licensed marriage and family therapist, certified neuro emotional technique, practitioner and certified entrepreneur coach Jason Watser.

Speaker 2: 0:36

Everybody welcome back. I am here with speaker, author, consultant, owner of a real estate company that has done over$200 million in transactions. Thank you so much for joining us, Jim. Really, really excited to have you here

Speaker 3: 0:52

being and Jason.

Speaker 2: 0:53

Thank you. Thanks. So I know one of the main things that you're doing is really creating more powerful relationships between entrepreneurs and their children and their families. So please share a little bit about what's going on in your world about that.

Speaker 3: 1:05

Yeah. I saw years ago a gap between this success on the balance sheet and success at home. In fact, there was, there was a huge gap between those two things. And it didn't matter if you were middle-sized entrepreneur, very successful or ultra successful. I know I've shared that story with you. What really changed me was a period of my life almost 10 years ago where I was sent an article and it was about a guy named Isaacson and Isaacson claim to fame is he was Steve jobs. And he spent the final days of Steve jobs in this article where he'd been interviewed by time magazine, came out. And what it basically said was Steve jobs spent his final days surrounded by close family and friends. I mean by close family, uh, and use the chance for final interviews to explain to his wife and children why he wasn't always there for them. And jobs was quoted as saying, I wasn't always there for my kids. And I wanted to explain why and for them to understand. And this guy, Isaacs, and I don't know him at all, but he fired a question at Steve and said, Steve, are you glad you had a family? You glad you had kids? And that's a tough question in a moment like this and put it right away. Steve fired back and he said, it's 10,000 times better than anything I've ever done. And the powerful thing for me was, no one was talking about this cause Steve had just passed away five days earlier. You know, it was all through the news and media and I saw all the murals, all the candlelight vigils, incredible stories of entrepreneurial adventures that Steve had taken. But no one was talking about this. And that gave me kind of an aha because I was going through a big time in my own life where I said, okay, what about we all have the final curtain? And I sure, sure as hell don't think Steve jobs thought it was coming that early for him. And people can dismiss the lesson. Like I tried to say, Oh, what do you expect? Steve jobs had a reputation for being a jerk. But I also know that it said a man or a woman receives extreme clarity at the end of their life. And I know there were plenty of times in my career where I set these benchmarks and then I would spend more time with my family, then I'd be more present and that hit a light switch from me. Uh, it was a big time in my life. I was in the process of adopting my two oldest sons. I was reviving my real estate investment company that had come near bankruptcy in the 2008 meltdown. And, uh, I had just been approved to donate a kidney to my father. So when all these things happen, you don't know when these trigger events are gonna happen. Jason, I had already seen that there were issues with this guy standing on stage with these incredible stories and thought leader followings. But when I got to see them behind the stage, since I got involved with this to the young age, their family life was nonexistent. And that scared me. So I wanted to have things different. And that's kind of the work that I began to do to make sure that how do we support and inspire entrepreneurial families so that they can be successful in their pursuits in the business field, but also successful at home, truly connected, truly enjoying each other. You know, not having those regrets of trying to squeeze in time at the end. No one wants that. So how do we fill in those gaps and create a better family life?

Speaker 2: 4:07

Well, as you know, I'm a marriage and family therapist and when I have on my intake form, what is it that they want to accomplish when they come in and work with me? Majority of the time the word communication shows up in the goal space. Oh yeah. And what does this mean? That this idea of communication where we all communicate, it doesn't mean we communicate effectively, but it's so interesting that we have this like generic idea of like if only I can, like if we have better communication but no one really knows how to do it, what communication really means. So the concept of like how much time are we really spending with our family really relating, cause I know you in a week we can talk about the five love languages and the way that people connect with each other. Um, but the truest level is like that really eye to eye interactive like you and I get to do right now even though we're a couple hundred miles away. But let's talk a little bit more about that. I know there's a really fantastic research study about that, that you like talking about.

Speaker 3: 5:01

Well, just to support what you're talking about, that communication. You want to talk about kind of the, the, uh, golden soil that, that we'll, we'll grow things. Yeah, you're right. Just open, vulnerable, comedic, meaningful conversation and communication is key, but we get so bottled up, stay on the surface, not sure how to do it. It gives this block and when that block occurs, Jason, I'm sure you've seen this with, you know, your many, many years. But it was funny when I started to interview entrepreneurs about this, you know, you're feeling connected. You're not communicating what's going on to dominating emotions always take over guilt and depression and those are very heavy emotions. And like I've told you, you've seen me speak on stage. I was my own interviewee. That's how I felt. And what I've learned is there isn't, if I'm always feeling guilty and depressed, there's no way I can do my best at work or at home. Um, so th which study were you talking about? Cause there's a of different studies. Child interaction. Yeah. While the parent child interaction as we've talked about there is, there is a a deficit of time spent and an even bigger deficit of quality time spent, which we can talk about the difference, but I think it was, it was about four minutes a day the average parent spends with their child, especially a full time person out of the house working. And it could be even less. And that's a scary statistic for two reasons. It's not only the now but also it's, I think it was almost 85% of all quality time that opportunities for the average person that we have with our children occurs by the end of their 18th summer. You know, as our, our thing, the 18 summer people argue that and I say, great argument all you want. Those are the statistics. It just shows the, of course they're your kids after the 18th summer. But there is such a golden opportunity of time and influence and connection that can be made in those first 18 summers that people overlook. And if they're only spending four minutes a day and then all of a sudden the 18th summer's good. And they said, well, I was building my business for 10 years, then I was going to get back to it. Well, they've lost a major opportunity and their kids feel like strangers and they wonder, well yeah, I kind of stepped out of family life for five to seven years, but you know, why can't I communicate and that's what we want to do. So I'm not, I'm the last person that's, you know, to take away ambition. We have to figure out how to put pilings. You know, you and I live at the beach now. Those houses on the beach usually are in the, in the outer banks of North Carolina. They have those big pilots, right, that hold the house there that if the tide comes in, we need to put some serious pilings to hold our family life together along the way. And if you don't, it washes away. And we're seeing what happened. Why am I feeling guilty and depressed? So I encourage people, just remember those two things. Are you one of those people spending four minutes a day? Do the math? Where are you in the 18 summers? You know, I adopted my two oldest sons. I have four kids at seven and five and a mentor of mine taught me that. And I go, man, you think years, a little seven year old, but I'm only down to 11 summers. That doesn't seem that much. And it gave me a positive kick to the pants. Um, and that's what I think we're trying to do here today. And I'm, I'm, I do know by the end of this, Jason, people have practical things they're going to walk away. Absolutely. And it's, I just thought in research study, I don't remember the exact minutes, but someone said this to me about social media and how we as business owners should be integrating our personal life onto social media. And the numbers that showed up are like the average adult is spending about an hour a day on WhatsApp, communicating about an hour, give or take an hour on Instagram. And that, that four or five minutes that we spend with our children, yeah. Imbalance. And yet we give our kids if we have kids, right? Those who have kids, we give them crap for spending all their time on social media or on technology. But yet we as adults are just as guilty, but we want to blame

Speaker 2: 8:56

them for our, their lack of, to connection to us. But it's definitely a reciprocal process that I'm seeing over and over and over in my practice as you're speaking and you're engaging with everybody as well.

Speaker 3: 9:06

Very much so. We had, we did a retreat about two years ago with dr Shefali from conscious parenting and we were, we had the kids lined up on one side and the adults on one side and were, it was a fun game switching back and forth. Who does this or who does that? And then she said, how many, you know, parents think their kids are on their electronics and phones and all the parents step forward. And I was off to the side and, and then, um, dr Shefali said, okay, kids, that's fine. It was, everyone's laughing, kind of said, how many of you are, uh, think your parents are hypocrites? And there were some young kids in the room, you know, under the age of 10. They're like, what's a hypocrite? She explained it and they all like, Aw, yeah, they raised their hand and it was a, everyone, all the parents went, Oh my gosh. Wow. Well, I hear it in, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's one of the biggest parts of our work is this, this what I've coined is intermittent tech fasting because I'm not going to tell you, you need to move to a survival ranch in Montana and never be on electronics. Again, I don't think that's realistic for you. And I live in, in North and South Florida, like we need certain things and it is a good connection piece, but we have to have, if you are truly dedicated to having a deeper relationship and more communication with your family, you have to have periods, consistent periods of complete and total unavailability, if that makes sense.

Speaker 2: 10:31

Absolutely. Well, in the Jewish community, right, we have all the, the Sabbath, the Shabbat and all the holidays, right? Sundown the night before until sundown the night, the next night. Our traditional Orthodox community, there is no active use of electronics,

Speaker 3: 10:46

which I love, which I have always, I've loved. I, I, you know, cause for my real estate investments, I worked a lot with, uh, Israel. I had a lot of industries coming over from Israel, especially after Oh eight and man, it was like, Hey, we're, we're out. We're done. And I love that cause it was, it was complete and total unavailability. Right. And that's, that's what I love to teach. And it's almost like a badge of honor for businessmen to say, I'm always on. You can reach me 24 seven that's a really terrible thing if you want to have a strong family life. So I just always tell them, Jason, start small again. This is, and I know we've talked about this intermittent fasting, I'd read up on it, I believe it helps revive Oregon's, it helps with fat loss and health and all sorts of things and it's been proven to, so I say, what about some intermediate tech fast? It's not saying you don't ever eat again, I'm not saying don't ever use electronics, but you're very deliberate. You're very conscious of when you're using. So the, the, the family challenge that I've started to do for people is almost like the sunup to sundown for its pronounced, the Shabbats, right? Yeah. What I'm almost encouraged is a daily Shabbat. So I'm saying to start with one hour, but now I'm basically up to two. So for me, know Jason from about average five 30 to seven 30 or six days. It's one of the two, depending on when I'm getting home, I do an intermittent tech fast. You're not going to get me on email. You're not gonna get me on social media. You're not gonna get me on text. I'm down. Now, here's the kicker. This is the kicker. No one thinks about this is in place for our entire family because if I just turn off my phone, then what does that do? Because if kids are like this or wife is grabbing this, then we're not a present for each of us in front of us. Everyone has to buy in, and I can't say, Hey, you turn off your phones and you stay on it. So we tried to do a complete tech Fest as a fan. And here's what happens. We don't realize until we disconnect, Oh, well you guys w the Jewish community would cause the shots, but it almost feels eerie quiet when you feel a little awkward. But then what happens with that? Well, real communication starts to happen. You start planning your next adventure. You have a question on the deeper meaning that's not how's the weather, and you start to have real conversation and start to do things maybe outside instead of sitting around and this and that. Again, to do that just for starting for one hour a day because we all know you get that one text, that one email, that one Facebook thread that's I'm an important to you that goes against something that you agree with. The almond argue this back. Oh my gosh, look at the people.

Speaker 2: 13:26

You get sucked down that rabbit hole with that. It's, it's very similar to a concept I share with my clients about the idea of creating space versus sharing space, right? We can get home everybody's, you know, someone's watching Netflix, someone's on their laptop, someone's right on there, whatever it is. And, and they're there. They're sharing space and they're like, but work, but we're together. Right. And a couple can even be doing this on the couch or, or a parent and their child and they're watching TV. They're together.

Speaker 3: 13:51

Yeah,

Speaker 2: 13:52

sharing space. But that's very different than what you're talking about. And what I share with my clients about creating space together. So I know you're really, really, um, I don't want to use the word fanatic, but in a fanatic, in a good way about there's a major way where a parent can help change what their child is this certain things that you talked about with education, right?

Speaker 3: 14:10

Yeah. I, I think one of the biggest secrets to having, um, a closer, more meaningful relationship with your kids is to get involved in their education. And you know, I don't know where it got written that, I mean, you know, all of our education has to be subcontracted out to the government or you know, fancy private schools and institutions. You should get involved. And what I've learned is in my entrepreneurial career, like how I met you, um, they're normally at the best events that I've been to. There are three buckets that are always discussed. If they're really going to be holistic with true value a and that's personal development skills and financial intelligence. I believe those three things are rarely taught in school, um, and are very important subjects. And what happened is I started to learn about these more in my early twenties to people that I was learning then with students in my mastermind groups or my, these events between very good friends cause they're very powerful, um, strong subjects and they will um, breach upon, um, you know, spiritual principles that, that cross over different religious groups. That's such a beautiful thing if you're willing to learn these things with your kids and get involved. Like you saw my son was that the last event we were together. Oh my gosh, Jason. The conversations that came up about radical simplicity and that just doesn't happen and it wasn't coming straight from me. It was coming from other people speaking. So I encourage everyone out there, not saying you have to pull them out of school and homeschool them around school. Try to get involved a little bit. You don't have to become their full tutor. But if you will start to share lessons in those three areas with your kids. Wow. Not only are you going to be called to a higher level in those three areas, which I think are very important personally and professionally, but you're going to become close to your kid.

Speaker 2: 16:07

100% agree. And I love the thing that Rick does. Rick Sapio or the creator of business finishing school where we met is that he always makes it a point to interact with the kids, the teens and the children that are there. And I love seeing, so last night I happened to go here, I'm grant Cardone and Damon John, they were speaking here in Fort Lauderdale and I saw how few people actually brought their children. Yeah. It was only about real estate, but it was about financial freedom, right? Um, and it doesn't matter what the venue or the vehicle is to get that freedom as it fits for every person, but the lack of parents who decided to bring their children to a free event, to hear someone who started off struggling and Ray went through drug addiction and lost his father at an early age and then yell Damon on the other side. Right? Who was raised by a single mom in Queens and built his own business out of the back of his truck and built echo. All right. Uh, not echo, FUBU and right. So these people who have come through these family based challenges and built an empire for themselves. Art. My challenge to the people who are listening is how do you get your families more engaged in your entrepreneurial life, in the, in a way that you can bring in a home and everybody can be involved. Right? When we talk about core values, when we talk about simplicity, when we talk about rhythms and rituals, how do we get all of that involved on the same level where we're all speaking the same language, we're all working towards the same goals where there's a family I'm friendly with through the entrepreneur circles, Martin and Chelsea Matthews, they bring their 10 11 year old son to everything. They go to the 10 X conferences and he's now teaching financial tips to other kids his age and he has his own little platform and Instagram, YouTube channels. Like it blew my mind when I saw that.

Speaker 3: 17:52

Yeah. And a couple of things. I think you start slow. Um, and if there's something like that, it again, look at three buckets. This is something on relationship skills, which are never taught. I was, I taught a few months ago to the Harvard business alumni and I was scared. I was like, these are the Harvard guys either. Anyway. And they said, thank you. We were never taught, we were never taught this. So if there's anything in relationship skills, personal development or financial intelligence like, and I'm sure all three were blended in what you were just at trying to bring them to one thing, listen to one Ted talk, run, start small because here's what I know about teens or young kids, tweens, teens, whatever they call it now is they have final two BS detectors finely tuned. And what they're always saying is, which I used to say back in school, so what? Who cares? How's this going to help me now? Impossibly in my future. They're always saying that I was, and you know what? I'm going to give a little kudos to myself. Some of the stuff in school. I knew what I was good at, what I has never helped me, but what I've found and that's okay. But what I found is kids in these subjects, normally, maybe they're not always going to be into it, but a little bit, we'll start to seep in and their BS detectors are up and the lessons I'll say, wait, I, I see how this could help me now and in the future. So you start small. Um, and, and that's the absolute key. Let let it unfold, but don't say, Oh, it's too much of a hassle. Oh, they're getting bored. Good. That's okay. Um, but you have to start to get them involved with it. What I, what I learned was credit to my kids. I, my parents, I had some exposure at young ages to like the fully inhale and Dale Carnegie, great guys like that. So it was kind of a seed that was pushed into me, you know, from the side and it festered there, you know, and I'm like, ah, kind of growing inside me. And then it starts to sprout by, you know, 1819 like cheese. Those lessons really matter when you go to the morning. Very,

Speaker 2: 19:51

very, very lucky. So even though I'm the child of now a third generation furniture business, I decided to go into the therapy and coaching world and, and I didn't really get that solid education on financial principles. Yeah. And I grew up in a very relatively affluent community or Florida. I was on scholarship, so I was the kid who, right. When my friends were getting range rovers at 16 years old, I'm like, ah, I don't even know if I can't even afford a car. Right. So it's an interesting dynamic for many people out there who might have the blessings of having come from money. And then the other side of the coin of having the blessings of not having come from money, right. And what you can learn, but I don't, I want to challenge everybody out there to not use one side or the other as an excuse because like you said, you got exposed to like Napoleon Hill and all these really amazing thought leaders and stuff that's really popular today. I think one of the benefits that like that, that the teen tween, uh, college age emerging has, is

Speaker 3: 20:48

the technology available to them and entrepreneurship right now is the cool thing to do. Yeah. Yeah, it has, I mean there's nothing like shark tank or any of those, but those kids, so it's kind of easy to push you in that direction and not everything has to come from you as a parent. Like I've told you, I use a lot of fun uncles and funny, I'm like on this trip to Costa Rica, I just got back from, we had two fun uncles there. One was an entrepreneur with an incredible story coming back through some really difficult children things. And I said, Chris, here's what I'm trying to communicate with all of them. So tough things that he had gone through. Could you help me with this? Because sometimes the hierarchy of a parent, it's just, it's too direct, that team, so they have some fun, uncles are finance bringing it in from the side, it's a little better received. Um, so I love, love using our funnel called some fun. You're kind of like squeezing in some really cool mentorship. Yeah. And it's, you know, it takes a village to raise a child. It's the old saying. So what, what you, you know, w what I might say to my son, I could say eight times, even with our good relationship, but he doesn't receive it. And then someone like you or Rick or someone comes through and a, you know, Rick Sapio, our very Italian friend from, but he says in a funny way and it penetrates, it gets through, it gets let pass the gate. And who cares? It gets the credit. I'd love to get ripped apart as long as my son is getting the lesson. So I encourage people find and again with the nice thing about what I know of all my friends, you know, cause I grew up in Morristown, New Jersey, I've, half of my friends are of the Jewish community that had binnacle colleges there. You know, it's, it's a very community oriented thing, but you have to be willing to share with each other, Hey, here's what I'm going through. Could you maybe help find someone with really set core values that can also talk to your kids? It could be an older kid and another family that's been so helpful to me. People go, Oh, you have this great relationship. I say, yeah, but I've had so many other people help me mentor my kids. They haven't received it all from me. Even if I've tried to tell it to them, they haven't taken it. So anyway, for what that's worth. So when you're talking about mentors, what are some of the key things from your mentors throughout your life that's really been in powerful, impacting and powerful for you that's gotten you to where you're at today? What are some of those lessons? Well, I think the best mentors that I've had have been, have been no BS and been themselves. Um, that's been really helpful for me. They're not afraid to share their story, so it's not all glitz and glamour, you know, they've gone through some tough times and they've shared their stuff times and how they've overcome them. Um, and they've been, they've been vulnerable. So vulnerability. I know Renee Brown and that has the big Ted talk on vulnerability. I'm a big believer in that they've been vulnerable. And also they lead by example like how we met Rick has been a good friend and mentor for years. I was introduced to them at a big event. He was out, we became friends instantly and it was one of those things, but he, um, I had been introduced to a lot of big guys. Um, and I don't necessarily want the most popular. I want someone who, who has dinner with their kids five nights a week, you know, or six at least, you know, with running these, this huge empire. Um, that attracted me, you know, and just sharing certain core values. So I always try to pick a mentor with shared core values. You know, that value based decision making. I don't care if they've made$1 billion, if we do not share values, they don't talk to their kids. Their health is in the toilet. They rip people off. They don't believe in active service and contribution. I don't want to learn from. Um, so anyway, that's, I kind of, I guess core values have been one of the biggest things. It's been an authenticity of vulnerability.

Speaker 2: 24:36

Yeah. And we're finding that now where everybody's now a social media entrepreneur and everybody's dropping all this information. I remember last night I was walking up the escalator and I can't even count how many people are on their phone, right? Live streaming or Instagramming, whatever, like giving whatever their shtick is over. And I'm trying like what is it that they're trying to accomplish? What are they trying to really put out there except for just being seen, which I know like right for a kid, a lot of times it's not necessarily, and especially in relationships in general, it's not always the what they're trying to say. But they just want to be seen. They just want to know, are you listening to me? Are you hearing me? And I think social media has turned into that surrogate to the parent of am I putting something out there that you accept and you find value in me?

Speaker 3: 25:23

Yeah, absolutely. And I think there's been some good and bad to that. I think it does. You hit the nail on the head, Jason. I mean you're, you're the expert in this, in the family therapy and kids just want to be heard. Well a lot of times they're not in the rush of hustle. Oh no, we listen, we listen. No we don't. And they want to be heard. That's a starting point. And that's a starting point of where to be hurt. Now they also know that we cannot delegate family life to social media. That there comes a line in that where it's healthy for the herd, but then it's like all of their approval comes from that. That can be a dangerous thing where you know, they're trying to get thumbs up is where it's something completely out of the core values of them. And your family. But it feels good to get that much attention. So that's where as parents, we really have to be there to make sure they're, their most validation should always come from home, not from social media. And if we keep that balance where we're giving them validation, we're giving them respect. Not saying you can't discipline, that's not what I'm saying at all. But there is a validation or respect and appreciation coming from you at all. They won't need to give an over amount of validation to social media for what the results come in.

Speaker 2: 26:33

Yeah. And one of the things I love about your story is that there is a way that you found to be able to reverse the validation back to a parent of yours

Speaker 3: 26:44

about something that you've done for them. And you talked a little bit about that before, when you, um, talk about the organ donation. Yeah. So my dad went into the hospital, it was almost a decade ago for, I think it was 42 days. And he, uh, he had had a stubborn Irishman. He had strep throat, never got, uh, antibiotics and lodged in his kidneys, came out later as this condition. So the doctor said you have to go on dialysis, you probably have two years in labor where you can get a kidney donation. So I raised my hand and say, Oh no, absolutely not, no way. And uh, so it was a big experience for my dad and I to go through cause he wasn't gonna accept the kidney. So a lot of the principles I teach, I fell backwards into how am I going to get my dad to accept this? Um, so I started to turn off my phone and be there for him cause I'm always building and probably for the first time in my life, and you know, my power of this, when people were like, well, I want to be closer to better communication. The one on one principle is so simple but so overlooked for if you're trying connect with someone deeper, you've got to have one on one time with them. They can't be at a huge, you know, bar mitzvah where there's 400 people running around. You want to have this deep conversation that just doesn't work. Not that those are beautiful. I love failure unions and that, but like it was really the one on one time that my dad and I started to have and I remember specifically one day on the beach after lunch, they sat there and talked and, and for the first time I think in our life, like I felt like he had my back and vice versa and I was able to say, and just this clarity, no phones, you know, we were there, we had asked each other some powerful questions said, if you don't allow me to do this kidney donation, you haven't, you're not allowing me to be the man who raised me that day. And it came out so clear at that point it was like, checkmate, like you need to do this. And you know, the conversations have afterwards, he's like, I was being really selfish not to let you do that. I was, I thought I was burdening, you know, thank you. And so it was, it was an incredible experience, you know, to, to go through together. Obviously it brought us much closer, but it is important to know we weren't close. Um, but again, I love mortality. For one reason. I was able to say to my dad, and a lot of people, if you're still lucky to have a parent or even your kids, I said to my dad, look, we might be doing this kidney donation and there was a risk. You know, you go to the Mayo clinic and you have to sign those papers. Like, yeah, you're healthy, you're fit, but you might die. I said, if we are going to go out, I don't want to go out a stranger. I mean, what good is all this been about? If we're going to do something like this, let's not go out of strangers. And that forced the conversation for probably, you know, and I joke this, you know, the old Irish Catholic from the New York, no one's more stubborn than that, you know, and you might say, Oh no, I got some Jewish friends. But um, you know, it just wasn't in our natural things to share these things. Everything had to be okay. We had to get through things. You had to stay strong and not that you're not staying strong, but again, real communication. So that was, it forced us to that level. But you know, Kenny, my dad's doing great. He's, I started to realize what was really important to him that we, you know, I was able to support more moving forward and things important to me moving forward. Um, but I don't think people have to wait to, don't donate an organ for that. What I just said is we all have the final curtain. I don't want to go out to strangers. We don't know when we're going out. So even if you feel like throwing up, which I did when I was talking to my dad on the beach that day, dude, anyway, do it anyway and make sure your one on one without these, these phones and I can share with you, I know we have, you know, I have a connection for me. There's three simple questions we created on the beach that day by accident of, you know, what, what do you really care about? What are the things you care about? What are the things you respect about me? You never told him. You know, Jason, I sat on the beach that day with, with my dad in 35 years. I had never told him how much I respected him for growing up without a dad. You know, Irish immigrants come to New York, he was in world war one. He was gassed. He died in his early forties from, you know, from the, the repercussions of it. My dad was six years old, lost his dad at six years old. Never once ever. Even with the, you know, recession of the eighties tough times you went through, did I ever hear my dad say, well, what do you expect? I didn't have a father who never played that card ever, but I never told him. I respected that. Can you believe that in 35 years? And I said, you know, pop, you never grew up with a father. And I really respect that, that you never played that, you know, bail out card because you didn't, you know. So it's amazing the things that we think we've said of such great importance and we've never said so. So profound. And I know so many people out there are waiting both parents and children to hear those words. I'm proud of you. Oh yeah. It's amazing to hear here. Here's, here's three things. A lot of people, well my father, usually the father, cause I think women are more emotionally involved for the most part. I really do. Uh, but it goes on. Both never said I loved you. Never said I was proud of you and never gave them a sincere apology if they did wrong. See, parents are so prideful, um, and sometimes our ego or they, they feel justified like, well, you know how hard I work? Yeah, I messed up there. I don't need to apologize, man. Sincere apology can go a long way. And that's one thing I pride myself on. I remember even one of our family things recently, or my 13 year old got in trouble in my 15 year old said, yeah, Leland like dad. I mean, you know, he messes up, but he gives those sincere apologies. So it's like I have those mini earthquakes know so that it's not the big one, but a sincere apology. Um, and a lot of times we're not willing to give them.

Speaker 2: 32:47

Yeah. And I know that a lot of people may or may not be familiar with way to really target that is by learning one, uh, the five love languages, right? If, if you're in a relationship to learn it, F of yourself in your partner, uh, there's the five love languages from children, but there's also the five apology languages. Like what's the right way? You need to apologize to the person you might have wronged. There's a certain way that you need to receive a different way than your wife or your children. Or I might need to go, there's so many really cool resources out there that we can use to really speak the words that the other person needs to hear in there

Speaker 3: 33:22

filter. So I just learned something there. I didn't know there was five things. I love it. You'll have to send that to me because this is why I love having, having dancers like this because you always pick up a nugget that's, you know, life change.

Speaker 2: 33:34

Yeah. And speaking of life changing, and I know you've mentioned this idea of 18 summers, let's talk a little bit more about that. So this is a big thing and this is one of the things that you really spent a lot of your time really bringing to the world is this concept of of 18 summers. And that led you to writing a book, correct?

Speaker 3: 33:50

Yeah. We wrote a book called the family board, meaning we have 18 summers to connect with your children. And it really came again there. Was that what you described before, his passing time and quality time. How do we really open up the lines, communication, be more consistent, be more present. And when I first adopted my sons at seven and five, I wanted to get to know him, but I was also running a pretty big real estate investment company that almost went bankrupt in a meltdown. So we gave him the quality time coupons at Christmas one year. And so these are your quality time could once you got for every quarter and they didn't know what a quarter was, but they're like, you catch one of these in, my phone's going off, we're spending the day together, or at least four hours together. You choose it, you design it, we're doing it. And that was it. And now all of a sudden became known as the board meeting strategy, an important meeting with dad. And that simple strategy which I share about because again, Jason, I watched so many people and by this time we were doing some family retreats kind of on the side. Rick and his family had been, it just, there were so many people that bought into this, I need to step away from my family for the next five to 10 years to build my business. That's terrible advice, especially when you think of you. Only the 18 summers are so important when they're young. Um, so I've tried to put again these pilings and the simple strategy, which the book is about is saying your children and your spouse for by far your most important investors and clients. A lot of people are wired like entrepreneurs, wife fights. They are like by far my biggest investors and clients. So every quarter I do a board meeting with each one of my children. That means I'm spending at least four hours, half a day or a full day with them. And there's only three principles, a one on one without electronics and a fun of their choice with focused reflection at the end, which basically just means communication at the end. And people go, gosh, that's too simple. That doesn't work. It's been proven now this has been out there for about eight years. This one thing has definitely bridged the gap between so many entrepreneurs and their kids. It's made them more present, more consistent, get below the surface and they're having conversations with, with their kid that they never thought they'd have. They thought they'd go to the internet or their friends for that and you have a fun time. You then discover it, discovers what their interests, what are their passions, how do you support them better because these things blend together. So that's what the book is all about. This one simple system, and I talk about the importance of dating your spouse. If you're not going on a date once a week with your spouse, it's like you're not brushing your teeth every day. It's just a terrible thing for your marriage. Uh, but the, the board meeting strategy, Jason, if people would just do this where so many of the things that I'm sure you see in your office that they do about, look, if every quarter you're spending one day with your child, one on one doing something from their choice, both your phones are off[inaudible] it's like a regrouping of the relationship, you know, board meetings for big entrepreneurial companies was always, what are they about? Well, they're about reuniting the team and looking ahead to the next 90 days, and I talk about this in the book, the principle of anticipation and reflection. I've been doing these now for eight years with my sons and now with my younger daughter and my youngest son who's two and a half is just started. These are the markers of memories and deep conversations. So many of the breakthroughs have occurred. And as you know, with my oldest son, he was going through some pretty serious recoveries. Um, you know, my wife was married young and a terrible situation, married to a high school boyfriend right after college. Um, alcohol addiction abuse. She stood up for herself, got out of it, got full custody of the two boys and I met her a few years later. Um, and the, the experience had been especially trying on my oldest son all. Um, and when I first came into his life, he was, um, a terrible, stupid and close to failing. He was, uh, put on the spectrum at school for autism and he suffered every night from night terrors. And if people, I know, you know what they are, but if people out there don't want to, they're, you're lucky cause it's when your child wakes up in a half conscious state screaming, terrified, it's terrible. Can take hours to get back to sleep. Uh, and knowing my, my positive naivety, uh, I knew this could change and that's when the quality time coupons came out. When we started to have our board meetings. And within one year, Jason and my wife and I can go back to the conversations and the days that we spent, we started to loosen up and within one year he went from failing to getting the most improved student. If the third grade we got the award, he was beaming. They would track to the of autism. It wasn't autism, it was stress related. He just needed someone who was there to make him feel safe and appreciated. I am probably most rewarding for me was, and my wife was within one year, the night terrors were gone. Um, so if this does not show the power of quality time, because I think this is where I love working together with guys like you that can bring people into healing, but there's also exercises you have to do on your own when you're home, when you're not in your office. In this one strategy, it was uncomfortable for me to share. I didn't know what to tell people about this. I didn't want to tell him the struggles my son wasn't. And now that we tell it more, you know, you've met him. He said, no, I want you to share this because he's come so far as a big, strong, good looking kid athlete, you know, but it came so far in that one year, this is the power of quality time. This is the power of rhythms. And I promise people out there, you put this one strategy, you work with your kids. It's not gonna get you all the way there, but so many people have told me it'll get you 80%

Speaker 2: 39:36

yeah, yeah. It's, it's such a profound shift when, especially when I'm having parents come in and like, well, we're not sure if there's no or what's going on, and they have never been able to tap on it. Tap into that, the core issues. And then I start talking about family structure because a lot of times they just want to do drop off therapy,

Speaker 3: 39:54

doesn't want to get attention or drop off therapy or sometimes there's need for both. Right. But not always

Speaker 2: 40:01

right. And as a, as a systemic thinker where the relational dynamics are so important. I won't work with a kid without a parent. Being willing to come in for a majority of the sessions doesn't mean the kid's not going to get their one on one time as needed, but majority of the time they really tried to do it with the parent and the kid interacting and engaging way more than, I'm just doing that one on one. And I recently have, I have a, a family I've been working with for the last couple of years who I adore and their child is about to go off to college, uh, at the end of this year. And the mom who is just this really lovely human being is so afraid that she didn't do her job right. She didn't finish her or every lesson that she can ever teach her right in the span of 18 years as if she's not going to be teaching her daughter right after she graduates more lessons. So I, I challenged her last week when we were on our last coaching call. Write down a list of things, topics, themes, daily living activities that you think that your child should know by the time that they leave your house when they graduate school. What is the curriculum that you think that in order for you to feel that you have been a successful parent? And then we're gonna go through that list and say like what's really authentic for a kid to realize that 18 years old, like maybe they shouldn't have successful financial strategies the way a 35 year old business person should have. But let's talk about bare minimum competencies because a lot of times as parents we have these for our, for the children up here and, and, and the question I asked this person was, but when is it that your child's threshold capability really is here and you're expecting them here and you're only relating to the mirror, right? I'm a big fan of Jesse Itzler is what's the 4% more? Well it's not the whole football field, but lets the extra, you know, 13 inches, right. Sometimes gets a first down. So,

Speaker 4: 41:56

okay,

Speaker 2: 41:56

as I was on the conversation with that parent, like it was just like this like aha moment of, okay, well maybe they're not here now, but as maturity grows and they really do struggle if their version of a rock bottom challenge, they'll figure it out. Yeah. I know. Radically capable of it. So it's really, really, really, really powerful. So I know one of the things that you, you, you, you and I talk a lot about is rhythms and then we'll tie everything in with that, that people think that the more scheduled, the more rituals you have, the more time that things are organized out in the calendar, the less freedom you have. But actually,

Speaker 3: 42:33

yeah, the rhythms don't take away freedom. They create them because like I do every, every Thursday night, five 30 to eight 30 I'm on a date with my wife. We call it date night with a question. We go out, um, we, we don't want to just talk about the weather. So we bring at least one powerful question. So, so that we're, we're connecting continuing to date, but that's a rhythm, right? You know, years ago, we've been doing it for years now, but my wife's like, don't you want to go out and don't you want to date? But I'm running this ring. I said, of course I did set some up, but I don't have to think about it now. I look so forward to Thursday night, five 30 to eight 30 now. But, but with me being a little more add with entrepreneurial, a little more a personality, I wasn't staying focused. So

Speaker 4: 43:20

okay,

Speaker 3: 43:21

that's not something that puts me in bondage. It's something that frees me like, Oh my gosh, I had this time with my wife. I know when it is, everything can move around it. Like don't schedule me and podcast that at six o'clock on Thursday. I'm not going to be there. Um, so I I, it was Rick who had said years ago when he started using this, this, this is so smart because I've learned rhythm eyes around your most important relationships and what people think is, well, gosh, Jim and Jason are talking about rhythms. That means I need to set 27 rhythms that I need to keep checking off. I'm talking like three or four, you know, like I'll give you like the basic ones that hold our family together. And then, but the core ones, day night with a question with my wife, every Thursday, five 30 to eight 30, no one's talking to me. My phone's not welcome. We're an ask each other one or two powerful questions that are really nice. Like who was the most influential teacher you had as a child? We, why unpack that? Tell me what they did. Cause I want to do more of that for my wife and vice versa and we can share those lessons with our kids. That's just one example. Um, we also do our quarterly board meetings, which I just described every quarter. Know to deepen the relationship. I'm spending a day with each one of my kids following those principles done every day. We have our ritual of the intermittent tech Fest, right? Those are three starters. Just those three start to again, rhythms. I love the word rhythms cause that's a musical soul usable element. It holds the beat, right? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's what we want. Um, so those are three, I'm not talking 27. Those things have held together, my family, just those three things alone that held together my family.

Speaker 2: 45:10

So they're not crazy. Right? They're so simple. Once you commit to it and you're going everybody on board.

Speaker 3: 45:15

Yeah. Once you do them and you get everyone involved, it's such an easy starting point. Um, you know, people are like, well, I'm not feeling close to my kids. Good. You need to make consistent deposits of one on one time with them following the strategy. My wife and I aren't really talking as much good, not good, but good. Here's what you're going to do. Set a date way. Bring one or two powerful questions, do it every week and if you're away and reschedule it, but have one set day. Just those two things. And then if you start to having an hour or two hours without any attack and kind of forced to communicate, where are the family dynamics and go from having no rhythms suggest those simple three. Jason is stunning. It's not, it's not like, Oh yeah, we moved up, you know, and I love the 13 inches, but this will really, this is like, you were like, Oh my gosh, this was an 80 yard hail Mary. Pass that now. You know what I mean? It can leap from you in not in one week, but in six months. Oh my gosh. Oh my God.

Speaker 2: 46:17

Yeah. So I know there's probably people out there that are going to be listening to this or like, I don't even know what question to ask that either won't trigger a fight that won't be old business. Right. So John Gottman, I'm not sure if you've heard of John Gottman. He's one of the top marital, uh, in relationship researchers in the world. Um, he's out in Seattle and he can predict with 83% accuracy by watching a couple in his, uh, clinic, whether they're going to stay together and not if they don't make any changes or interventions in their communication style. He has this whole theory of love maps, which are about 20 or so core questions that are basically the familiarities that a couple should have with each other.

Speaker 3: 46:57

Oh, I have heard of these. Yes, yes.

Speaker 2: 46:59

And they can also apply to children and everything can be easily adapted, but he has a deck of cards that he created that have those questions on like multiple questions for those out there that are, you know, stuck like I don't even know where to begin. I'm not a question asker. I don't, whatever the mind just goes blank. They're just overwhelmed. Treat yourself up. I can't imagine how expensive it is, but go out and and go on Amazon and buy this is deck of Notman question cards and make it easy. Right. There's so many resources out there. I love this memory that I have. I had a couple that they like. We want to have the best relationship and my cool. So I just want to get some data about the work you've done before. You've come in to see me and I'm like, so how many, how many other therapists or how many hours in therapy have you kind of spent before you came here today? I got a zero. All right. That's cool. Like some, I know. I'm glad I'm your first one. We can, you know, I don't have to break you down from what might've been, you know, not working for you the last time. Books, books on couples and relationships, nothing. YouTube videos, nothing. Conversations with your pastor, rabbi[inaudible] guru. Nothing. So you're saying you want X, but you've done nothing to show outside of now coming in today after all these years. So I want to help you know, one with your book. Two with these resources, right? The five love languages, the Gottman cards, there really is no excuse for anybody.

Speaker 3: 48:30

Well, there's a difference too, Jason, as you know, people can be interested or committed and there is such a huge difference between interest and commitment. And again, I'm going to beat on this guy's. This guy's like, yeah, of course I want to. Yet you have to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and it's unnatural to, to the beginning point. But there's, are you interested or are you committed? And that's, that's what I've learned it. And if you can step onto the commitment side, you're gonna start to see results because all those things would have been a couple of yeses there. You know what I mean? We make time for what's truly most important to us or we want to work on. And like you said, with interviews like this and things, there are starting points. Maybe it's not, it's not going to get you 100% of the way there, but 80% you know, and I am going to give a little plug, um, because we just designed people, I started to talk like rich data gateway with the question, what are your questions? I said, well, we just started getting online and looking up off of different things and creating some of our own. So now we've put together a 60 debt card. Awesome of that. And you know, we're going to start either just giving them away or you know, 10 bucks or something just because people were like, don't go on a date without a powerful question because the thing better life ask better questions. So it's an, it is amazing that first year we started to do this. I mean, think about it, one to two questions. I mean, I'm learning 50 to 75 things about my wife that year that I really wasn't crystal clear on now. So,

Speaker 2: 50:03

so perfect. So, so for those of us out there who are just hearing about you for the first time, how can they track you down? How can they reach you? How can they attend one of your retreats? They share a story. Yeah.

Speaker 3: 50:13

If you want to. Um, right now we're only doing a private, uh, talks and workshops for different groups. Uh, but you can reach out to a city and interest for that. We have gone some different from they just communities and that, um, which has been really fun and some different business. You can go to 18 summers.com to learn more about us, where you can get the book, a family board meeting on Amazon. Again, it's 10 bucks. And that is such a starting point. Have to learn our core values and how you can start to put some simple rhythms to practice. Um, it can be read on a flight from New York to Florida. That's what people have told them. So, um, that's where I would encourage a starting point and visit us at eating so much. We're also have our private Facebook community. If you're looking for a little more, uh, support on that and follow kind of people say, well tell us what you're doing with your family. I share some more personal things of what we're actually doing.

Speaker 2: 51:03

Awesome. So one to thank you again for being able to share your time with us. I know that you just came back from a big vacation and um, you know, obviously if anybody has any questions they can reach out to you. They can reach out to me. And, um, I really want to congratulate you on all the amazing things that you've been doing with your family, the things that your family is doing and that you're bringing out to the world. And thanks for spending your time with us.

Speaker 3: 51:24

Thanks for having me. It's good to see you again.

Speaker 2: 51:26

Great to see you. Looking forward to seeing you soon.

Speaker 1: 51:30

Thanks for listening to the you winning life podcast. If you are ready to minimize your personal and professional struggles and maximize your potential, we would love it if you subscribe so you don't miss an episode. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at you winning life.