S2-E05 - THE STALKING HORSE
INT. THE OFFICE OF ANGEL AND MAY
(ALEX, ALICE_H, ANDREW_H, SHARROW, SOPHIE, ZED)
SNAPPING AND
GNASHING OF MANY
HUNGRY TRAPS; A
RAY-3 IS BEING
FED.
ALEX
Who's a good man eating plant?
Who's a good man eating plant? You
are! You are! Here, some nice,
juicy protein slab for you and you
and you!
SHARROW
Please don't talk at it like that.
It's disturbing.
SOPHIE
Actually I'm fairly sure its not an
it, it's a she. It's just the way
she responds to a women's voice.
SHARROW
Nonsense, you're just imagining
that, plant's don't have genders,
well, they have both in the same
organ.
SOPHIE
No, I'm talking about her
personality, I'm fairly sure, the
gurl genes are the definitely the
dominant ones! Its the way she
sings whilst your not around.
ALEX
What!
SOPHIE
Yes, I was humming at my desk
yesterday and she started to join
in. She was intelligent enough to
follow my notes.
ALEX
Jeez, well BODECKER did say it,
sorry she, would sing, so that must
be it.
SOPHIE
Yes, I must say, I feel a lot safer
here with her looking out for me.
She's a cool plant alright!
ALEX
Take a look at this trick. If I
start throwing the food, it can
reach out and grab it, that takes a
lot of sensory intelligence.
SNAPPING AND
CATCHING SOUND
SHARROW
It's a mutant abomination!
(A-RAY-3 begins to purr.)
ALEX
Don't listen to her, three, she's
just being mean. Here, why don't
you try to make friends? Shake
branches and make amends?
SHARROW
Oh my goodness, if you love the
thing so much why don't you sleep
with it and get married!
ALEX
I don't know why you're being like
this. I know you're just jealous of
the relationship me and my plant
are having. By the way where is ZED
today?
SHARROW
He arrived early and is holed up
with his servers, fixing up some
more programming, I believe.
ALEX
Sometimes I really wonder about
that lad. I have to ask. How is
JACINTA is she up and about. Does
she show any side effects?
SHARROW
The doc says it's far too early to
say, but she is making a miraculous
recovery.
ALEX
Well at least these blasted
nanities have been good for
something.
SHARROW
You mean apart from saving our
sorry arses.
ALEX
Well, there is that of course. Oh
look I think that may be a
customer!
A BELL CHIMES.
SHARROW and ALEX have a customer.
ALICE_H
Um, hi. Is this the GIMBLE and ASH
DETECTIVE AGENCY?
SHARROW
Yes, that's what it says on the
door. Can I ask as to the nature of
your enquiries?
ALICE_H
Ah, I have something I someone to
investigate.
SHARROW
Well in that case I am SHARROW MAY,
this is my partner ALEX ANGEL, we
actually own the agency.
ALICE_H
Oh that's... that's great. Um. Oh,
is that an A-RAY? I just got an A
RAY-6. How's it working out for
you, mines little darling is just
such a greedy guts.
ALEX
Well, it does consume a fair amount
of dog food, and a few flies have
had a very bad day, but it works
very well for us.
SHARROW
(Mutters under her breath) It works
for you!
ALICE_H
I just. Um. I'm wondering if you
can help me? See, my brother's
disappeared. I've looked everywhere
and I can't find him. Everyone I
talk to just blows me off.
ALEX
That sound's like something we may
be able to help you with, but you
do know we charge don't you, this
is not a free service?
ALICE_H
Yes I understand, of course, I do
have some money but its not a huge
amount.
SHARROW
Well, I'm sure we can it least
start to help. May I ask your
name?
ALICE_H
I'm ALICE_H HELIGELIEN. My brother
is ANDREW_H.
ALEX
I know this is a really obvious
question, but have you contacted
the police?
ALICE_H
Of course thats the first place I
went to. I must say they were,
disappointing! I got the distinct
impression that they didn't want to
fill out the paperwork. They told
me that he was probably just drunk
somewhere and that I was being
paranoid.
SHARROW
Yep, that's the same impression
we've been getting around here,
they're more interested in lining
their pockets than actually helping
someone. Tell me, when did you
last see your brother?
ALICE_H
Nearly six years ago.
SHARROW
What, sorry did you say six years?
ALICE_H
Yes six years.
SHARROW
Well, excuse me for saying this
but, thats a cold case if I have
ever heard one. So with such a
long time since you last saw him,
why are only looking now?
ALICE_H
Both of us work as crew on separate
passenger ships, see, so we don't
get to see each other for years at
a time. Finally our schedules
worked out and we were in the same
place at the same time, this was
supposed to be our big get
together. He got here three days
before me, and he's just
disappeared. None of his friends
have seen him, he wasn't where he
said we'd meet. I've been here two
days and I can't find him anywhere.
SHARROW
Did you get any messages from him?
ALICE_H
Just the one, when he first got
here.
ALEX
Can we hear it?
ALICE_H
Yes, sure. I have it right here.
A COUPLE OF
CLICKS AND THE
MESSAGE STARTS
PLAYING, HOLLOW
AND GRAINY.
ALEX
Hang just a sec, SOPHIE, can you
record this please and enter into
storage.
SOPHIE
Goes without saying.
ALEX
Oh, OK, carry on.
A COUPLE OF
CLICKS AND THE
MESSAGE STARTS
PLAYING, AGAIN
ANDREW_H
Hi ALICE, how are you? I'm here on
the asteroid and it's great! I've
been to a couple of bars and you
wouldn't believe how many types of
rum they have. One bar even has
drag shows, how about that?
You won't believe what else they
have here: horses! Real, live
horses! And entire zoos full of big
animals! I'm just about to go out
and see them. Sorry for not waiting
so we can see them together, I'm
just so excited. ALICE_H, I've got
to go, this guy I met is going to
show me where the zoos are. See you
soon, okay?
ANOTHER CLICK
AND THE
RECORDING HAS
ENDED.
ALICE_H
That's it, that's all I have.
ALEX
Well, its not much, but it's better
than nothing.
SHARROW
ALICE, do you know anything about
the guy ANDREW is talking about?
ALICE_H
No, nothing at all.
SHARROW
Have you tried to contact ANDREW?
ALICE_H
I've left messages everywhere. I've
been to a couple bars but no one
has seen him.
SHARROW
How did you know which bars to look
in?
ALICE_H
ANDREW doesn't like lots of loud
noise, so I went to the smaller
bars, the quieter ones. I tried to
look for the horses as well, but
the DIRKSON LANES are such a
tangle, with lots of private space,
and with over a hundred levels.
It's easy to get lost.
ALEX
Have you spoken to the rest of the
crew on his ship?
ALICE_H
The officers won't talk to me, and
the rest of the crew are only
focussed on getting drunk or high.
I just don't know what else to do.
Something terrible has happened to
him, I just know it, but no one
will listen to me.
SHARROW
We're listening to you, ALICE. We
will definitely help you.
ALICE_H
Thank you. Thank you so much. How
much do you charge?
ALEX
Ah, just one minute, let me consult
with my colleague, SHARROW we need
to discuss this in private.
SHARROW
Yes of course.
They both move through into the back room and close door.
ALEX
Look, I don't feel right about
charging our normal full rate, I
don't think she can afford that
much. I need to be able to sleep at
night.
SHARROW
Yep, I agree, besides we need a
good meaty case, we've not had
something like this for some time.
We don't need the funds really as
we got some money from the retainer
for KRIS's operations. Were good on
the money front. How do you think
we have been affording to pay
SOPHIE and ZED.
ALEX
I was wondering about that. OK I
think we should go for a nominal so
there is actually a contract and
then just expenses. What do you
think?
SHARROW
Yes that's Ok for me. Lets sign her
up before she gets cold feet.
DOOR OPENING
SHARROW
ALICE we've discussed this case and
we can, work for a special low rate
of twenty cryptos per day, plus
expenses.
ALICE_H
Oh, that's going to run down my
funds in a couple of weeks.
ALEX
Well, it probably won't take that
long, and we'll reimburse you any
excess funds after we finish the
investigation. There may be reward
money perhaps?
ALICE_H
I don't think so, nothing has been
posted by the family.
SHARROW
OK, so lets start with some basic
information. What boat is your
brother on?
ALICE_H
The STANDING BRIDGE CLS
ALEX
And where are you staying? How can
we contact you?
ALICE_H
I'm on the SCHECHTER. But I've
decided to stay at an inn, it's
really good value and it's just
around the corner. That's how I
heard about your operation, they
have this A.I. bartend.
ALEX
Let me guess, is it called the
'Retrograde'
ALICE_H
Oh, how did you know.
ALEX
Well, that's why I'm the Private
Investigator and you're the
customer.
ALICE_H
I guess!
ALEX
Actually, that works out really
well. We've also got rooms at the
RETROGRADE, we can just leave
messages at the desk for you if we
need you. We can datavise, if you
have implant's.
ALICE_H
No sorry no implant's, they are a
little too rich for my budget I'm
afraid. Never mind, we'll probably
see each other in the dining room
or the bar.
SHARROW
I would say that highly likely
given that the food is so good.
ALICE_H
Thank you, both of you, I know you
are doing me a big favour, but your
about the last chance I have. I
made a file for you, with ANDREW's
picture and description. I think it
has everything you need.
SHARROW
Thank you ALICE_H, we will take it
and start the process. Tomorrow we
do need you to sign some forms for
legal reasons. I'll pop them in the
inns pigeon hole.
ALICE_H
If you don't mind, I have to go
now. I'm going to recheck some of
the pubs and see if anyone else has
seen him.
SHARROW
OK, ALICE, we need you to stop
looking for ANDREW yourself. We
know that you want to find him, but
with you making enquiries, at the
same time as us, muddies the water,
and makes it harder to find leads.
You do understand? Leave the
detective work to us. Now I want
you to go back to the inn and relax
and think of any small details
however trivial. If you think of
something, give the information to
SOPHIE here and it will be added to
our database.
ALICE_H
Oh, OK, it' hard for me to let this
go. I just feel guilty if I'm not
hunting him down.
SHARROW
Yes, I can understand that, but
right now you have just signed the
two best detectives in New London,
you made the right move.
ALEX
She's not joking ALICE, we are good
at what we do. We'll be in touch.
Here's our good old fashioned
business card, keep it safe. It has
the direct phone numbers of SHARROW
and myself. If you can think of
anything, anything at all, that
could be useful, please contact us
immediately. If we are out on the
case and the phone goes to
messaging, come down here and talk
to SOPHIE immediately, every little
thing counts.
ALICE_H
I will. Thank you guys.
ALICE_H leaves and the door shuts behind her.
DOOR
SHARROW
Six years, what the hell. Something
tells me that we're going to need
some help from the natives with
this one.
ALEX
ZED! ZED!
The door to the back room opens.
ZED
What?
SHARROW
We need the camera feeds from THE
DOCKING AREA where two ships have
docked. The SCHECHTER and the
STANDING BRIDGE. Can you get them
for us?
ZED
Camera feeds? What camera feeds?
ALEX
From THE DOCKING AREA. You know,
where the ships come and go from.
ZED
There are no cameras there. There's
no cameras in any public place.
SHARROW
No cameras? No cameras anywhere?.
ZED
Some private shops and pubs have
them.
ALEX
That's wierd. I thought there'd be
cameras everywhere, just like home.
ZED
It's because of Legislation passed
some years ago, by some rich nobs,
who were up to shady business. They
pulled political strings and guess
what legislation guidance 14.11
appears.
ALEX
Which is?
ZED
You really don't know anything
about the history of New London, do
you?
SHARROW
Evidently not.
ZED
Might I suggest an appropriate
didactic may be a good idea. Look,
about the time GANDER came to New
London, and got involved in the
Sine-field incident, the Governor
said that they'd stop surveillance
and computer tracking of civilians.
Like I said some up town jerks had
pulled strings and an excuse was
made and BINGO! No camera's.
SHARROW
So everyone comes and goes as they
please?
ZED
No, of course not. You still have
to be registered and apply for
permissions. You're still tracked,
just not as much.
ALEX
Hang on, what about our oxy-tab
bracelets? They're tracked, right?
ZED
Not really. So long as there's
credit on your tab, there's no
tracking. It starts to emit a
signal when you've run out of
credit and that's it.
ALEX
So what happens if we have no oxy
tab bracelets at all?
ZED
The authorities are allowed to
check key portals for heat
signatures, its a department of
customs and excise. So if they see
a heat signature without a
bracelet, that's when they're onto
you. Did no one tell you this when
you got here? This is NEW LONDON
101! You should have seen the
instructional didactics. Get with
this program please guys!
SHARROW
Hay, buddy, we got here a little
differently from most people as you
well know. So no, we didn't see the
didactics just an ICU and a hasty
retreat to the retrograde.
ALEX
Well, there is one thing we do
know.
ZED
Yeah?
ALEX
That scarf sticking out of your
pocket isn't yours. It's from the
box of scarves in the back room.
ZED
No it's not... it's... fine. I took
it. But it's not your box either.
It was just here when GANDER gave
you the office.
ALEX
Which makes it ours.
SHARROW
We're not angry you took it. You
just needed to ask first. As a
suggestion when you are challenged
its not a good idea to lie, just
makes things worse.
ZED
I...
SHARROW
Yes, ZED?
ZED
Can I have this, please?
SHARROW
Yes you may.
ZED
Thanks. Is it okay if I go out for
a bit?
ALEX
Only if you bring us back lunch.
Here's some cryptos from the cash
jar.
ZED
You're trusting me with cryptos?
ALEX
Is there any reason why we
shouldn't?
ZED
Well I... I guess not.
ALEX
Good. I want grasshopper kebabs
from ZHANG'S stall.
SHARROW
I want a veggie burger from KYLE.
ZED
Okay. I'll get them. I won't be
long.
ZED leaves, the door opening and shutting behind him.
ALEX
I swear, he is the spitting copy of
the artful dodger. Does he get on
you nerve as wells.
SHARROW
He does, but he's a late teenager.
All of twenty going on fifteen,
remember?
ALEX
It's easy to forget with that, it's
weird with boys and their voice
breaking, it doesn't seem to fit
the body. When teenage boys' voices
break early like that it always
throws me. I wonder what he wanted
the scarf for, do you think it's
his girl.
SHARROW
Yes I think so. It's probably for
his LONELY PRINCESS. I don't think
he realises that anything nice will
be promptly taken off of her. Law
of the street and the jungle.
ALEX
I wish he'd learn that just because
he's smart, it doesn't mean that
other people are stupid. He keeps
doing silly blatant things and he's
always surprised when he's caught.
It's aggravating and it makes me
want to smack him in the head.
SHARROW
Yes but he is a big asset to us,
and with this virtual space he's
set up, that's going to be a real
boon to our investigations. Thats
why he is holed up in the server
room. It's sweet, how he really
want's to help. Now where were we?
Oh, yes ANDREW HELIGELIEN.
ALEX
Gimme the file. Okay. ANDREW is one
hundred and seventy two centimetres
high. Brown eyes, dark brown hair,
light brown complexion. Broken
nose, and one ear is slightly
higher than the other. It says that
he's slightly intellectually
impaired; not enough for it to be
obvious straight away, but he'd
definitely come across as being
sweet and extremely naive.
SHARROW
Easy to mislead by offering to show
him horses perhaps?
ALEX
Exactly. I wouldn't rule it out
that he's dead drunk in a bar
somewhere. But you know my gut?
SHARROW
Oh, I know your gut, especially
when it makes those funny noises.
ALEX
Well, it's grumbling bad now SHAS
It's screaming that something bad
has happened to him.
SHARROW
Yes, I've got the same feelings.
ALEX
I say we split our effort, try and
cover more ground. Let's leave the
bars for the time being. I'll try
talking to the officers on his
boat, see if they've seen him.
SHARROW
Hmmm, you know, I think I'll need
to check out the Dirkson. Neither
of us has been there yet so it
should be interesting and I have a
strange feeling that it's important
somehow. I think SOPHIE's up to
holding fort back at the office
now. We just keep feeding the data
back and get her to do integration
into the database.
ALEX
Well, I think it's time to get out
and I think we are looking quite
dapper nowadays after SOPHIE's
efforts, I think I can used my
female charms again on those ships
officers. Things have become rather
claustrophobic.
SHARROW
Oh, Lord protect us.
ALEX
SHAS you know what I say about
detective work on an empty stomach.
We need lunch at the inn before we
venture forth!
SHARROW
Stan's the man and it's a plan.
ALEX
I'm going to have to talk to you
about you poetry.
SHARROW
That's a laugh, what poetry do you
know.
ALEX
I'll have you know I have read the
'The Wastelands' and loved it.
SHARROW
(Laughter) Gurl, you are the
wastelands, now lead on!
SOPHIE
If you're not back by the time it's
dark, they'll be trouble.
(Laughter)
SHARROW
We're going to the wastelands
(laughter)
DOOR
EXT. THE DOCKS
(ALEX, DISPATCH, VADGAMA)
NOISES OF A
CROWDED
INDUSTRIAL AREA,
VOICES SHOUTING,
METAL BEING
WIELDED, CARGO
BEING LOADED AND
UNLOADED. THE
STEADY BOOMING
VOICE OF
DISPATCH
OVERLAYS ALL OF
IT
DISPATCH
Ship docking in BERTH 3. Ship
docking in BERTH 3. All available
ground personal please come to
BERTH 3. Ship in BERTH 2 ready for
departure. Ship in BERTH 2 is ready
for departure.
All ground crew in BERTH 2 exit
immediately. The ship in BERTH 2 is
ready for departure. All ground
crew in BERTH 2 exit immediately.
(In the noise and crowd,
VADGAMA bumps into ALEX)
VADGAMA
Oh, excuse me. Did I hurt you?
ALEX
Not at all.
VADGAMA
Could you help me? I'm a little
lost. I'm hunting for the JUNO.
ALEX
I'm sorry, I can't help you with
that one. This is the first time
I've been here.
VADGAMA
My first time too. Oh well. Sorry
to bump into you like that. I'll
keep looking.
ALEX
There is one thing you can help me
with.
VADGAMA
Yes?
ALEX
My missing Wallet, you think I
don't know what your game is. Now
you have two choices either you
give it back and we go our seperate
ways, or I break your fingers which
will stop you little game.
VADGAMA
I don't know what you're talking
about.
ALEX
Please, spare me the bullshit, I've
lifted more wallets then you've had
hot dinners. I could scream for
that security guard over there, or
as I stated, I could break your
thieving fingers, or both. I may
look like a teenager, but looks are
deceiving, and I need to tell you I
am the result of intensive tech
merc. training and I worked combat
for ten years.
Do you want to test me. It seems
to me that even with your limited
I.Q, The better choice is you just
give me back my wallet and it's
contents.
VADGAMA
That is a line of pure BS, you're
only twenty or so, but I give you
credit for your menacing
prescience. You can have it.
ALEX
Now, swift fingers, would you mind
giving me a basic run down of this
place?
VADGAMA
I...what?
ALEX
I've never been here before, and
I'm sure you know this seedy hole
better than any other vermin.
VADGAMA
I'll do it for forty cryptos.
ALEX
Two cryptos and no broken fingers.
VADGAMA
Twenty.
ALEX
Five and one broken finger
VADGAMA
Ten.
ALEX
Oh, for heaven's sake, this is
becoming boring, but let me tell
you I'm only doing this becuase I
need a coffee. Fine. Here's the
money.
VADGAMA
There are two DOCKING WHEELS on the
ASTEROID; one ROTATING and one NON
ROTATING. We are at the ROTATING
DOCKING WHEEL. It is under
artificial gravity and receives
people and cargo on the shelves.
There are twenty bays here, each
bay accommodating a single ship.
Five express, ten standard and five
long stay bays.
Most ships are here for five days,
some more, some less.
ALEX
Do the ore ships dock here?
VADGAMA
No, they dock on the NON-ROTATING
WHEEL, the zero gravity making the
ore much easier to handle, a
million tons can be pushed by a
small tug. But everything else
comes here, cargo or tourist ship.
ALEX
You must do a good trade, judging
from those shoes, so I assume a lot
of tourists come here?
VADGAMA
A fair amount. The cost of a cruise
on one of the pleasure ships is on
most people's bucket list. The rich
guys, they live permanently on the
pleasure ships, but they can burn
through some serious credits. Ship
costs added up. Mostly though, it's
a one shot, tourists or cargo
workers on shore leave. They travel
steerage and are easy prey.
ALEX
What's the cargo generally?
VADGAMA
The biggest import are those little
luxuries from further down the
gravity well. Lunar hi-fi, real
Italian sauces, perfumes from
Earth, all the bits and shits of a
luxury existence. Then of course
there is all the technical
equipment, small stuff mainly.
Heavy duty comes on its own
charter.
ALEX
What about food? And water?
VADGAMA
There are also the organics,
usually semi refined from type C
asteroids, further inward and
delivered by drop ship during coast
phases. Raw organics are the
feedstock of the chemical industry
and life and ultimately food.
We Also get some elemental
deliveries such as phosphates.
Water comes from water ice
asteroids in the belt. We need
water, a tug goes out and lassoes
the nearest chunk of ice, that goes
in the non rotating maw at the
other end of the city.
ALEX
Sounds logical, just like most
docks in fact. Let's walk a little.
What's going on over there?
DISPATCH
Ship docking in BERTH 3. Ship
docking in BERTH 3. All available
hands please report to BERTH 3.
VADGAMA
When a ship comes to berth it goes
to the centre of rotation. There
it is met by a robot arm on a
trolley. This locks on the ship
and the whole assembly travels down
a rail system to place the ship on
a shelf at a very carefully
calculated position. We don't want
an unbalanced port. Before
unloading the ship has chains
attached to the hull and auto
tensioners hold it down. It's all
automated. The ship is now sitting
on a sled, which pulls it into the
air bay, through a set of doors.
The doors are shut behind it, the
bay is pressurised and unloading
begins. Have you noticed that the
gravity is lighter here than what
you're used to? That's deliberate,
we are at the ten kilometre level
equivalent, it's only 0.4 Gee.
Makes unloading and transporting
goods so much easier.
DISPATCH
Bay doors shut in BERTH 3. Standby
for pressurisation. Bay doors shut
in BERTH 3. Standby for
pressurisation.
ALEX
I'm going to take a guess and say
that the people in yellow shirts
are docking personnel?
VADGAMA
Yep, you guessed it. They're colour
coded to make things easier. Yellow
control the ship movement, green
handle the cargo and do general
trouble shooting, blue go in and
check the instruments and set
navigation and do any internal
maintenance, purple fuel and
refuel, reds are emergencies and
salvage.
ALEX
And those people in white over
there?
VADGAMA
They're highest rank, from the
DOCKMASTER'S OFFICE.
ALEX
Who are they talking to? The woman
white with pink epaulets?
VADGAMA
Looks like a freighter captain.
Heh. Watch carefully, you might
learn something.
ALEX
They're doing some sort of
complicated handshake. Ah I've seen
this a million times. You may have
all the technology, but human
beings stay the same. Its as clear
as day light if you know what to
look for. I saw that weird
handshake and the little stumble.
My granny could have done better!
Let me guess, that small disk
slipped into the pocket, was
untraceable cryptos, right?
VADGAMA
You've got it in one, my friend.
ALEX
Corruption and bribes, it's as old
as the human race. Wish I could say
I was surprised.
VADGAMA
Here in NEW LONDON, there's only
one rule: the Golden Rule. Whomever
has the gold, makes the rules.
Anything that comes after that is
just details.
Just the normal law of the jungle,
you have to be alert to survive and
make sure you either work for the
big beasts or are the big beast.
ALEX
You know your dumber than you look.
Perhaps your an old dog, who can't
learn a new trick. Which finger do
you want me to break.
(VADGAMA yelps)
Urgh!
ALEX
Relax, I just gave it a sprain, but
next time I'll go all the way. I'm
just letting you know I'm a big
beast, but in a small pussy cat
body.
VADGAMA
You bastard, I think you broke my
finger.
ALEX
Its not broken, stop being a wimp.
I could break one on the other side
so you can compare notes. Anyway
that'll slow you down and protect
some of these tourists. Now a one
last question before you scurry
away. What's that desk everyone's
lined up against?
VADGAMA
Shit, that hurts, (whispered in
pain) That's where the crew buy
their oxy-tabs most get a small
number as part of their pay.
Incidentally, over there is where
they sell their remaining oxy-tabs
before they leave.
ALEX
You can sell them?
VADGAMA
(Whispered in pain) Yes, sometimes
they're used like de-facto
currency. Anyway, the used oxy-tabs
are then sold on at a discount,
obviously the leavers use ship
oxygen, so don't need a tab.
ALEX
I recognise that woman over
there...
she has a stall just outside the
RETROGRADE INN, she sells oxygen
credits.
VADGAMA
(Whispered in pain) She buys them
from the crew and passengers who're
leaving NEW LONDON.
ALEX
Okay, say, I wanted to get into one
of those cargo ships. How do I do
that?
VADGAMA
(Whispered in pain) Legally or
illegally?
ALEX
Either.
VADGAMA
(Whispered in pain) Legally,
there's always a skeleton crew on
board a ship by law. You page them
and ask them to let you in, trouble
is you need a boarding pass.
Illegally... well, I suppose you
could sneak on in some kind of
cargo, or spacewalk outside the
ship until you find a small airlock
you could open from the outside.
You could try disguising yourself
as crew, or whatever. I can think
of plenty ways to try, but I've
personally never had to do it.
ALEX
Which ship is the STANDING BRIDGE?
VADGAMA
(Whispered in pain) Argh, (clicking
noise and grunts of pain) That one
over there. It says so on that sign
over the berth, see?
ALEX
Okay, I think that's all I need for
now. Where do I get a boarding
pass.
VADGAMA
(Whispered in pain) Hmmm, I think
you go to the guys at the lock and
make a request, do you have
official business. If so then you
might get aboard. OK I think i'm
going to pass out.
ALEX
Oh VADGAMA, leaving so soon, and we
were just beginning to get to know
each other. (Clicks and groans)
Wish I could say it was a pleasure.
Next time try a grift on someone
your own size, picking on a young
girl, you should be ashamed of
yourself.
VADGAMA
Arghh, what are you!
ALEX
Never you mind. Oh, thats curious
where's your oxy-tab?
VADGAMA
What, hay, that's not on, you
nicked it.
ALEX
Well, it's about time for you to
feel like your victims, you rodent.
Remember the only difference
between you and me, is that I went
to the dark side, but eventually I
came back to the light. You're
still in the dark my friend. Now
back off quietly before I alert the
authorities that I saw an un-tabbed
man.
EXT: TOUR BUS, THE DIRKSON LANES
(BEINBOT, SHARROW, TILLY)
A CROWD MURMURS
AS IT BOARDS THE
BUS
BEINBOT
Welcome. Welcome. Welcome aboard
the DIRKSON LANES guided tour.
Welcome. Welcome aboard. If you
could all be seated, we can begin
the tour. Welcome.
SHARROW
Oh god, I feel like my mum. Excuse
me, is this seat taken?
TILLY
Not at all, my names TILLY.
SHARROW
Thank you my names SHAS, I think we
are going to get a show.
TILLY
Yes, the robot said this is a full
audio visual presentation.
BEINBOT
Welcome everyone to the DIRKSON
LANES guided tour. Please be seated
and we shall proceed with our audio
visual presentation which has been
crafted by the finest film makers
in the Asteroid Belt.
SHARROW
Oh TILLY, this is going to be bad,
I feel corny music coming on.
RUMBLING AND
WHIN OF ELECTRIC
MOTORS . WOBBLY
MUSIC STARTS TO
SWELL.
BEINBOT
New London, the shining light in
the darkness of deep space. Built
by pioneers, from blood sweat and
tears. From the dark and cold these
men of stone, toiled ceaselessly
with asteroidal material. Robots
moved in the dark, unseen, unloved,
but relentless. Slowly year by year
the ribs and skin of the station
would emerge like a like a
butterfly from it's chrysalis.
DISNEY MUSIC
CHANGES
BEINBOT
But a station is not a home, just a
shell of metal and carbatonium.
There was no light, no heat, no
life. Then the first temporary
space port was established and the
first hardy ship was docked. The
chemicals of life were transferred
in huge quantities. Carbon dioxide
from the Venus, nitrogen from
Jupiter and Phosphorus from Earth,
and water and other trace elements
from the Asteroids.
Building a new habitat shipment by
shipment. The first racks of LED's
and the first green shoot in the
Dirkson lanes was a major
achievement. The Calvin naming
ceremony was a golden moment for
our brave pioneers. Now sit back
and enjoy the fruits of their
labours, but never forget the
bounty that you see before you was
a result of blood sweat and tears.
CORNY MUSIC
STAGGERS TO AN
ENDING
SHARROW
TILLY, I think I'm going to be
sick!
BEINBOT
Travellers, we're starting at the
first shelf, the first shelf ever
established, there you will see the
site of the first planting and the
Calvin memorial. It was and
continues to be a bio manufacturing
area, focusing on the production of
animal and plant protein. Raw
protein slurry from the waste of
our half a million hardy settlers
is processed into rich sludge. We
will show the manufacturing process
plants and you will get a chance to
taste the output. Now sit back a
relax whilst we traverse the access
tunnels.
SHARROW
Oh, yuk, ohh, I don't like the
sound of that.
TILLY
I'm looking forward to trying some
of the flavourings, apparently they
are very interesting.
SHARROW
It sounds like another word for
horrible!
TILLY
On no its fascinating really.
Protein is pumped into special
moulds, and a catalyst is added
that causes the raw protein to
imitate the structure of real
finished protein. In this way,
slabs of meat and slabs of fruit or
grain are manufactured, without
being grown by animal or plant.
SHARROW
Were did you say you worked TILLY?
TILLY
Oh, I didn't say, but I'm in the
restaurant trade, I have to deal
with the output.
SHARROW
Oh, so how much is manufactured vat
grown and how much is real, in your
restaurant?
TILLY
Oh about half and half, all the
expensive cuts are real, don't
believe them when they say they can
copy the real thing, we always use
the minced up versions. That stuff
is OK. A lot of the good cuts get
exported, its a big earner for the
habitat. You probably don't know,
but New London is one of the
largest food growth stations in the
belt.
SHARROW
Well, that explains why instead of
calling pieces of meat steaks,
they're called slabs. And it also
explains why it's slightly wierd.
There isn't much I wouldn't do
right now for a tender marbled t
bone steak.
TILLY
Well, if you don't mind paying a
lot, I could rustle something up.
SHARROW
Thats a good idea TILLY, before we
leave give me the address of your
restaurant, I could become a
regular!
TILLY
Well, it would be lovely to see
you! Oh, look we are slowing down.
SHARROW
I can hardly contain my excitement!
TILLY
I think we are about to see where
they grow the seedlings!
CUE CORNY MUSIC
BEINBOT
Our next destination is the why of
life, and why it is so precious.
That is the great importance of the
seedling lanes. Here all plants are
raised to grow into the tough
little fighters needed for our
space home.
SHARROW
This is about as exciting as
watching grass grow, oh wait we are
watching grass growing!
CUE CORNY MUSIC
BEINBOT
Stacks and stacks, millions upon
millions, each plant another step
towards complete self sufficiency.
Giga watts of clean fusion power
pours into the lights, I light
fantastic, of future food. At any
one time, there can be up to three
million seedlings in this section.
Oh I wonder what's growing here?
(Fake set up) Why don't I ask this
passing happy worker? Hello sir.
MOSES
Uh...hello.
BEINBOT
May I ask what is growing in this
section?
MOSES
Blackberry. It's very common on
Earth but it's surprisingly hard to
grow in space.
BEINBOT
And soon it will grow and multiply
in our parks and gardens.
MOSES
Yeah, no, it won't. It's going to
be a rich person's hedge. Not for
the likes of us.
BEINBOT
And so our interests are furthered
and NEW LONDON strides forward into
the future.
MOSES
Yeah sure, whatever.
SHARROW
Well, he obviously didn't read his
script. (laugh) It does start to
add a little realism to the sugar
coating.
BUS WHINES AND
THE ELECTRIC
MOTORS SPOOL
BEINBOT
Our next stop is to visit our
little busy friends the hexapod
invertebrates. The wonder of life
continues as these industrious
friends provide the bulk of NEW
LONDON'S protein.
SHARROW
Oh, ew, this was the bit I was
dreading. Black mesh cages as far
as the eye can see, it's like an
infinite gulag for insects. What
the hell is that thing that came
through the door.
LOUD MURMURS AND
A COUPLE
EXCLAMATIONS
THEN SCREAMS AS
LARGE ESCAPING
INSECTS SUDDENLY
INVADE THE BUS
PARVATI
Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry for
this but I'm going to have to pause
the tour. COMPUTER!
A BEEPING SOUND
IN
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
BEINBOT
Listening and awaiting orders.
PARVATI
Suspend tour and remain in place
until instructed otherwise.
BEINBOT
Affirmative.
PARVATI
Excuse me, I have to get on... can
anyone who suddenly has large
insects on them please raise their
hands? We've got some escapees and
I need to round them up.
SHARROW
Ohhh, I've got one on me. Urghh!
What the hell is this thing? It's
big and fat and crawly! It better
not bite. TILLY wheres that guide
book?
TILLY
Ohh, oh, I've got one on me.
SHARROW
TILLY Guide book, now.
TILLY
Here.
THAWAK SOUND OF
INSECT GETTING
SQUASHED BY
BEING HIT BY
ROLLED UP PAPERS
PARVATI
Sorry, oh don't hit them please
ladies and gentlemen they are quite
harmless, please, please, they are
valuable. Sorry for that, sorry,
sorry, oh, please let me grab
this... Look ladies and gentlemen,
these are Lord Howe stick insects.
We call them land lobsters.
SHARROW
Lobsters? Well, its a flat squashed
lobster now. You're supposed to
eat these things?
PARVATI
Eat them? Nah, can't recommend
them. They have a nasty aftertaste
that's hard to get rid of. No,
these are being bred for the pet
trade.
SHARROW
You mean you feed them to pets!
Urgh. Don't tell me people keep
these things as pets? What's wrong
with having a cat or dog?
PARVATI
Cats or dogs, where the hell did
you grow up? You must be from the
top end of town lady. Who's going
to pay for the oxygen. I thought
this a tour for locals, right?
SHARROW
Yes, yes, of course I am, I'm
local, I live in the BC.
PARVATI
The BC, and you had a cat or dog!
What the F**. Well, you must have
had a sheltered upbringing. Didn't
you swap these at school?
SHARROW
Oh, no, no pets allowed, private
school, you see. I didn't have any
thing at all.
PARVATI
Well, I'm surprised, if you went
private surely your parents bought
you some small guinea pigs or
something with fur like a rat.
SHARROW
Oh yes, I had a rat, you see I
allergic to bugs.
PARVATI
Hmmm, makes sense. Now where is my
net. Okay, I think that's the last
escapee. Sorry everyone. COMPUTER,
recommence program.
BLEEP
BEINBOT
Apologies to all for the delay. Our
next destination are the grain
fields.
SHARROW
You OK TILLY, I think that squashed
bug left a stain on your shirt.
Now I'm finally starting to enjoy
this trip, its fun when things go
wrong. Oh, you look a little pale
there.
You know I have a friend and she
would have loved this, she would
have squashed the lot of them in a
bashing frenzy. She will be pissed
when I tell her about this action.
END