S3-E5-UNCERTAIN JOURNEY
INT. UGLY DUCKLING 18 - 10.3
LOCATION: Pirates Asteroid Base.
SHARROW and ALEX return into the pressurised part of the
mine baring gifts. They discover that KRIS has been very
industrious and has fixed up a propulsion system for the
'Bucket of Bolts' space vessel. In the mean time ZED and
SOPHIE have invented a crude form of inertial navigation.
They all decide its time to get moving.
DRAGGING ITEMS,
EXHERTION.
HAMMER BANGING AND
WELDING
AIRLOCK DOOR
SHARROW
Guy's dah, dah! Look what we've
found! Lots of goodies! (Pause)
Oh my God. KRIS what have you
created? Its horrible.
KRIS
Your talking bout my child, wash
your mouth out!
ALEX
Is your name Dr Frankenstein?
KRIS
Sure is partner!
SHARROW
Well, it's an ugly baby, for sure.
KRIS
Yep like a turd with warts! But
take a closer look. Say you'll
like this ALEX. See this lever,
give it a short pull.
STEAM VENTING
SHARROW
Oh wow, that's cool, you have
created a steam engine from the
18th century. Now how does this
relate to us escaping?
KRIS
Now child, sarcasm is the lowest
form of wit.
ALEX
What's the heat source KRIS?
KRIS
Its an old radio isotropic heat
generator. We fixed it at one end
of the tank and turned up the
heat. We now have an 'Atomic
Drive'. I have an internal valve
which sprays water onto the vanes.
It's a little slow, but it gets
there in the end.
ALEX
Oh I like it, it sounds dangerous.
VALVE AND STEAM
VENTING MULTIPLE
TIMES
KRIS
Now don't break it!
ALEX
It's crude but very functional.
Your child is a mini dragon, KRIS
hissing and wheezing!
KRIS
I know, fabulous isn't it! Oh and
a couple of the lads helped, one
has a father who is a plumber.
MELODY's also got a steady hand on
the old welding torch as well.
MELODY
Oh, ya. Like well, my bro's used
to play around with those electric
race cars. Formula Low G or
something. Anyway, I was the only
one who could weld properly. So I
ended up doing all their welding
for them.
KRIS
Sounds like the chaps, and also
like Alex, she also breaks quite a
few things. Must be her manly side
coming out.
ALEX
Less of that, well my manly side
just saved SHARROW from a horrible
death, again, for the second time
today, probably. I like to think
of myself as a knight in shining
armour!
KRIS
Oh, do you now!
SHARROW
Ignore her, responding only
encourages the megalomania.
SHARROW moves up to the craft and gentle taps at the
piping.
GENTLE METALLIC
KNOCKIG
SHARROW
KRIS, it's definitely butt fugally
but it has (pause) an inner
beauty, like a little duckling!
NG
KRIS
Why thank you SHARROW. Now if
madam would care to step inside,
madam will see the luxury
appointments, steeped in leathers
and crafted wood.
ALEX
You mean the tarp cover stretched
over the thing that looks like a
badly constructed S&M chamber.
What's with that a plywood
dashboard?
SHARROW
Well, plywood is simply engineered
timber, so strong and light. KRIS
are they always so negative?
KRIS
Yes, thank you SHARROW for
appreciated the finer things in
life.
ALEX
Yep, its fugly!
KRIS
Well, yes! But please just close
your eyes slightly, apply a little
bit of imagination, see the bigger
picture.
LAUGHTER
KRIS
OK, OK. Your right! I admit it,
its fugally. So ALEX I just need
you to help me to weld some more
support struts for the tanks.
Otherwise the whole lot will fold
up like a cornflake packet at a
kids breakfast.
ALEX
No problem. Say, I also thought
that a good spray of null foam
wouldn't hurt. Thinking a good
spray around the 'life support
section' keeps out the cold and
kills some of the radiation. Not
to mention gluing it together.
KRIS
Good idea!
SHARROW
Well yes, good job. Lets just say
you have mothers eyes KRIS. So I
have to ask, what are these other
big tank things?
KRIS
Well one is for our cold gas
thrusters, that's ZED's idea bye
the way. The other one is water
supply for us and the steam
generator, that's the one with the
heat jacket. Oh! By the way we
found another radio isotopic
generator, this one is almost
spent, but it will be good to warm
the cabin.
SHARROW
OK, but how do we steer this
'ship'
KRIS
Well, not quite sure how its going
to work, but I handed the problem
over to ZED and SOPHIE because
steerage is part of navigation and
that is their baby.
ALEX
Oh good timing KRIS, we can ask
them. Talk of the devil's
children!
DOOR FOOTSTEPS
ZED
Oh hi did you find anything from
those wrecks? (Pause) Oh shit KRIS
its monstrous got more tanks! Like
a plumber had a gangrenous
nightmare!
ALEX
I few bits and bobs nothing super
significant unfortunately. How
about you guys?
ZED
Well, we've been working on nav.
ALEX
Say have you seen FROGMAN and
PIGLET, I asked them to look at
how we free this tank thing from
the rock?
ZED
No idea exactly, say SOPH, where
did old FROGGY and PIGLET get to?
SOPHIE
(Giggle) Sounds like a pub! I
think they went of towards that
long decline, they said there
might be more workshops, they were
looking for the explosives
magazine!
ALEX
Why don't we call them on the
radio?
SOPHIE
Oh, there not working, the rock in
here is high in iron, acts to
block the signals.
ALEX
Great! (Pause) Hang on, what's
that whirring sound?
SOPHIE
That was good timing. Is that the
dynamic duo? Oh yep its! That's
so cool, they found an electric
buggy!
KRIS
Why is it that every time, I hear
the word FROGMAN, I flinch?
SOPHIE
You really want to know?
KRIS
No, really, no thanks!
ALEX
Looks like they are towing a few
goodies too!
FROGMAN
Say, guys your going to love this!
Look what we found!
ZED
Did you see any pressure vessels
with gas.
FROGMAN
We found another room, further
down the decline. There was a big
maintenance workshop with a
compressor. We might be able to
rig the pump to fill the tanks on
the, oh, (Pause) Shit that's ugly.
(pause) What's it called?
ALEX
Yeah, its ugly we know! Yes, what
exactly is it called KRIS?
KRIS
Well... I don't know!
ZED
The unnamed child, how romantic!
FROGMAN
Well, it looks like it should be
called Mortice, or Gangrene.
SHARROW
Well, all ships have to have a
name, KRIS, its very, very bad
luck not to name a vessel.
KRIS
It's a bucket of old bolts, so I
suggest we call what it is.
SHARROW
'Bucket of Bolts' how horrible!
ALEX
Perfect, now lets get on with
things shall we!
SHARROW
Not so fast. We need, a ceremony
otherwise the luck spell is not
made. We need to break a bottle
over the prow. Do it properly?
ALEX
Oh, my god!
KRIS
OK, SHAS. Do any of you have an
old drink bulb?
SHARROW
Here I've got one.
KRIS
Ok, throw it over here. Thanks.
(Changing voice to sound like the
Queen) I name this ship 'A bucket
of Bolts' may God bless her and
all who sail in her! (Normal
voice) Oh, how disappointing just
a dribble, but its on the prow.
ALEX
Right, can we get going now, then?
SHARROW
Yes, I'm happy now. (Pause) KRIS
you should have seen her, your
yacht. It was so sad. She was
all crumpled up, looked like she
was crying! I took a picture for
you.
KRIS
Sorry SHAS, I can't look at it. I
really don't want to think about
her. I feel bad, I murdered her
with my stupidity! (Sigh) (Pause)
Say have you got a coffee bulb I
need a drink.
ALEX
Oh, yeah, but you need this. A
couple of swigs, its a cure for
ship sickness.
KRIS
What is it?
ALEX
Whisky. Lets toast the old girl
and say thank you for saving us!
KRIS
Ahhh! Thanks ALEX, I needed that.
ZED is wheeling in a wheel barrow, with a squeaky wheel!
ALEX
Oh what is that ZED? It's worse
than the ship!
ZED
Well, (Pause) SOPHIE and I came up
with a few idea's. Hopefully they
might stop us from killing
ourselves. SOPHIE show them!
SHARROW
SOPHIE, your a genius! You
managed to make something that's
even uglier than the ship!
SOPHIE
Simmer down guys, your getting
over excited! I present our
beautiful baby.
SHARROW
Thats a child made in hell!
SOPHIE
Well ugly or not, you need it.
(Giggle) So, these little electric
motors spin around and make a gyro
system. This bicycle wheel thingy
is a crude gimbal. Ladies and
gentlemen I present our inertial
navigation system.
ALEX
Well, I have to give it to you, in
all my years in the CIS marines I
have never seen anything quite
like that!
SOPHIE
You lived such a denuded and
narrow life ALEX, I feel sorry for
you!
ALEX
Well, at least I'm not a sorry as
that thing!
SOPHIE
Welcome to the world of full
inertial guidance, you will find
it interesting.
ALEX
Oh, god help us! I don't really
want to ask, but how does it work?
SOPHIE
So, the wheels go round and round
quite fast, and drive the gimbal
angles with their gyroscopic
precession. We have to manually
read the gimbal angles here and
here. It's not quick or pretty,
but it works on the bench. If we
get a gimbal lock, well we're
buggered but then we probably are
anyway. ZED feeds these angles
into his suit computer and he has
a program to calculate the valve
durations on our cold gas
thrusters. ZED, your the really
clever one, so why don't you tell
the folks about you controller
thingy?
ZED
Thanks SOPH, you so clever too!
SOPHIE
Thank you ZED
ALEX
Just get on with it!
ZED
Well, we use a stop watch and this
piano thingy to control the
valves. I have a program which
calculates durations, then I play
fast and loose on these keys,
little gas jets spirt out and we
move in the right direction.
ALEX
Did you bring the sick bags SHAS,
I'm feeling queasy already!
SHARROW
ALEX don't be negative! SOPHIE
that sounds really clever. Well
done both of you. Just one
question.
ZED
Yes.
SHARROW
Can you play the keyboard?
ZED
Ah, Yes and No. What I mean it's
quite tricky to co-ordinate.
ALEX
Oh, but ZED's so clever SHARROW,
isn't he SOPHIE?
SOPHIE
Yes, but, (pause) Hang on I'm
supposed to be winding you up with
that routine. It doesn't work the
other way around!
ALEX
I know. Evil isn't it!
ZED
Look stop it you two, its not
perfect but we don't have a
choice. None of this will matter
if we don't make it back. The
main thing is we have some
attitude control. If we get in a
spin we at least have a fighting
chance of stabilising.
SHARROW
Sounds horrible, I think sick bags
will be definitely required.
Remember the picket ship ALEX.
ALEX
Forever stamped into my nose SHAS!
TIME PASSING SOUND.
KRIS
Right, well lets start preparing
for our little journey into deep
space. I think we are good to go
from my end. This old tank is as
ready as it's ever going to be.
When the rest of the crew get back
and we can check the pressure in
the gas thrusters then we might as
well get underway.
ALEX
Yep, nothing to be gained by
hanging around, we need to get out
there whilst the search is still
happening.
SHARROW
So what about breaking the rocks
with PIGLET's explosives?
ALEX
Ah looks like that might be ready
to go as well! You see all the
null foam around the rocks?
SHARROW
Yes I thought is was you just
testing the spray gun!
ALEX
No, its acting as glue to hold the
detonation cord and the charges.
We packed the holes with some
sharp stones, hopefully they'll
keep the charge from leaking. The
foam is about set by now.
KRIS
SHARROW, and the guys found the
explosives bunker, whilst you
where going through the air
filtration and sorting out the
bits and bobs. We are all ready
to go!
ALEX
Well, then lets get to it. I'll
get the troops back here and pack
them into the 'Bucket of Bolts'
INT. UNCERTAIN JOURNEY - 18 - 11
LOCATION: Pirates Asteroid Base.
The 'Bucket of Bolts is flung into space and the
survivor's huddle in the suits. The old radioisotope
generator they found just keeps them from freezing to
death. They drift for a day, and eventually, pass out
because of lack of oxygen and carbon dioxide build up.
ALEX
Are you kids comfortable back
there?
MELODY
It's very cosy. Its a good thing
I'm not claustrophobic.
ALEX
You got that right. What about the
rest of you?
SHARROW
ALEX just lets get this over with
shall we!
ALEX
Roger, so brace for impact!
ZED
We there yet?
KRIS
Do we do a count down or just push
the button.
ALEX
On the count of one! Ten, nine,
eight, seven, bang!
MUFFLED MULTIPLE
BANGS THEN
EXPLOSION, THEN
CLATTERING AS
DEBRIS HITS
SPACECRAFT
SHARROW
You did it early.
ALEX
Yep, my lucky number!
SHARROW
Well, it scared the bejeezus out
of me!
SOPHIE
ALEX, we are actually moving, look
at the gimbals!
ZED
Oh yeah, it works.
ALEX
Was there any doubt?
SOPHIE
Oh, yeah, lots!
ALEX
Great!
SHARROW
Oh I'm feeling queasy already,
should the stars be circling like
that?
ALEX
No not really, but don't panic.
Now make sure you have got your
sick bag!
SHARROW
Thanks partner!
LAUGHTER
ZED
Arghh! We need to make some
corrections we are tumbling fairly
rapidly.
ALEX
Understatement of the year I
think!
ZED
SOPHIE what do your inertial
navigation gizmos say?
SOPHIE
They saying we are spinning like
crap, that's what its saying! Try
a few small bursts on Key One. See
if it improves the situation!
SHORT HISSING
SOUNDS
ZED
How's that?
SOPHIE
Again!
SHORT HISSING
SOUNDS
ZED
OK?
SOPHIE
Yes now try a few small bursts on
key three.
ZED
Got it!
SHORT HISSING
SOUNDS
SOPHIE
OK, now try a one second burst on
key one again.
LONGER HISSING
SOUNDS
ZED
OK, status?
SOPHIE
Still in a slow pitching roll I
think. Lets sort this pitch
before I'm as sick as SHAS. Ok
half a second on key four.
ZED
Here goes. Oh shit!
SOPHIE
What?
ZED
Its stuck.
CONTINUAL HISSING.
ALEX
ZED we need to kill that now!
ZED
I'm Trying, I'm trying, the valve
is stuck, I'm pushing the key and
its not turning off.
ALEX
Let me try the hammer of enquiry.
LOUD METALLIC CLANG
ZED
That's made it worse.
ALEX
Ah! I think its iced up. Hit the
opposite direction we need to kill
the spin otherwise its game over.
I'll apply the hammer of incipient
doom!
MORE AGRESSIVE
METALLIC HAMMERING
ZED
OK enough on the hammering, will
stop!
INTERMITTANT
HISSING SOUND.
ALEX
More!
METALLIC KNOCKING
ZED
No, we have control now, just
chill.
ALEX
So, you don't like my engineering
techniques?
ZED
No, not really, you're on the
overzealous side. Too much Thor
not enough watchmaker!
HISSING OF COLD GAS
THRUSTERS
ALEX
Well, it appears to have worked,
doesn't it. Well that was fun
really got a good stretch on the
old shoulder!
SHARROW
That's not the turn of phrase that
sprung to my mind!
ALEX
'This is the Captain speaking, we
may experience some turbulence
from time to time today, the food
service will be temporarily
suspended whilst the seat belt
signs are on' Say SHAS, how you
doing? Looking very green around
the gills?
SHARROW
Thank you! Now (slightly annoyed)
will you fly this boat straight,
or should I take over! I have
already been sick twice.
ALEX
(Aside to KRIS) I don't think she
is cut out for space duty KRIS!
She has developed a rather sultry
attitude to space adventuring.
SHARROW
Grrrhhh! Oh, arhhh! (SHARROW vents
in sick bag)
KRIS
SHARROW take one of these I found
a med pack. It will either make
you get as high as a kite or knock
you out, not sure which but either
way it might reduce the symptom's
SHARROW
Thanks a million KRIS! What is it?
(Pause) Oh crap I don't care, just
let me have it please!
SOPHIE
See how rapidly, you have taken to
drug use SHARROW, your really
getting into the letting you hair
down thing!
SHARROW
Now don't you start as well!
ALEX
So KRIS what heading should we be
taking?
KRIS
That's tricky. Can we see anything
out the window?
ALEX
Clever ZED what's out the window?
SOPHIE
ALEX stop it!
ZED
I have a spotter scope, just be
patient, I trying to identify
something, anything! Well,
(pause) its very dark!
KRIS
Yes! Yes! ZED we know space is
dark. What else?
ZED
A lot more dark!
KRIS
Yes, but can you see anything at
all?
ALEX
KRIS that's why its called space,
chill!
ZED
Do you two, always argue like
this, its bad enough with ALEX and
SHARROW!
SHARROW
ZED get used to it! Been happening
for sixty years can't stop a an
old family tradition. Mind you I
usually take the lead on the
argument, older KRIS appears to
have gained in her baiting ALEX
skills!
KRIS
Believe it baby!
SOPHIE
Oh you guys (Giggle) I like it
when you banter, it's homely, we
are like one big unhappy family.
KRIS
You got that right SOPHIE,
probably the ADAMS family! (Pause)
Now is there anything ZED,
anything at all? What about Mars?
ZED
Mars. Oh, yes I can see, wait a
man, red, on a chariot, with a
cape, oh wait its the god of War!
KRIS
Jeez, ZED get your head together!
ZED
Don't get too excited, folks. I
think I can actually can see Mars,
the real planet Mars!
KRIS
ALEX do you have that extra large
telescopic sight from that broken
gun you found?
ALEX
Yep right here.
KRIS
OK, oh. Let me see.(Pause) Yep its
Mars, alright. Now what's the
angle to the window?
ZED
SOPHIE can you hand me that
protractor.
SOPHIE
Yes of course would you like me to
read the angle?
ZED
Yes, thank you SOPHIE you're
always so helpful!
ALEX
(Whispered) SHAS if you two
weren't all gooey over the
cooking, and quilting, I might
think you have serious competition
with old ZEDilla here.
SHARROW
Oh, high ALEX I think I'm having a
trip on these drugs!
ALEX
Oh, god she's out of it.
KRIS
Yes, but she doesn't have her face
buried in the sick bag does she?
ALEX
True, now I wonder how old ZEDilla
lover boy is doing?
ZED
I'm right here ALEX. I can hear
you!
ALEX
Oh, sorry! (Snigger) Well just
focus on your projectivator.
ZED
Its a protractor!
SOPHIE
ZED, ignore her, she's just
winding you up!
ZED
Yes, well its working. She is
almost impossibly annoying!
ALEX
I believe he is starting to
understand one of my best
features?
ZED
Oh my God! (Pause) So you got that
angle SOPHIE?
SOPHIE
Yeah, its in my data-pad.
ZED
OK, that's one point, we are going
to need at least two more.
KRIS
Can you see Jupiter?
ZED
Look, are you just going through a
list of all the planets?
KRIS
Well, there's only eight. Just
trying to be helpful.
ZED
Not helping!
KRIS
Arghhh! So ALEX tell me where did
you loose your flechette gun
again?
ALEX
KRIS not helping either.
SHARROW
Don't worry KRIS they are just
miserable today, ignore them. Say
I think I'm starting to see little
rainbows around every one. So
beautiful.
KRIS
Say, I'll just strap you in there
SHAS, keep you all safe and sound.
SHARROW
Rainbows, your rainbow is really
beautiful KRIS
KRIS
Why thank you!
ZED
Oh, look I think I can see
Jupiter.
KRIS
See, I told you so!
CREW
Groan!
ZED
Now SOPHIE do you have you
protractor again?
SOPHIE
Yes ZED!
ZED
So what you got so far?
SOPHIE
22 and 34 degrees for Jupiter, 190
and 130 for Mars with the second
being the x axis, we need another
point can you see anything else
out there? Can you see the Lights
of New London?
KRIS
What about...
ZED
Don't even think about it! I can
see something, its fuzzy, extreme
range, oh I think that might be
Ceres station. (Pause) Well OK
here are the angles, I'm lined up
SOPHIE.
SOPHIE
OK, let me see. Shit we are a long
way from home. I have 270 degrees
and 320 ish.
ZED
OK so lets pop that in to the
computer and oh. That makes our
position here mid belt, so by my
calculations we need to
reorientation and use main boost
in this direction relative to
gimbal A.
ALEX
Great, get on it we don't have
time to hang around. I will give
it a decent steam blast and then
we stop and figure out status. Re
calculate and re-adjust OK?
ZED
Roger on that. OK just a few pops
on the attitude controls.
SHORT GAS BURSTS
ZED
Right good to go.
BIG STEAM SOUND
ALEX
How's that?
ZED
Not too bad actually, just going
to correct some slight spin we
picked up.
SHORT GAS JETS
ALEX
OK are we ready to go again.
ZED
Yes!
TIME PASSING SOUND.
KRIS
Say anyone feeling light headed or
is it just me?
ALEX
I am feeling a little weird.
SHARROW
I feel weird!
ALEX
Yes we know, but it's not the same
weird?
ZED
Shit, we have a build up of Carbon
Dioxide. SOPHIE can you get one of
those filters and swap this thing
over, I'm going to check the
oxygen feeds.
SOPHIE
I think the electric fan thingy
may have jammed to the duct tape
that's why we not scrubbing the
air its burnt out. ZED have you
got those pliers. (Pause) Thanks.
ZED
PIGLET use the manual bellows keep
working them slowly.
PIGLET
Roger!
TIME PASSING SOUND.
INT. NICK OF TIME - 18 - 11.1
LOCATION: In space near Pirates Asteroid Base.
They are all unconscious except for ALEX and SHARROW,
whom are just about conscious due to their nanities. They
see a light and thankfully it is DOILY who has found them
on radar. They are hauled into 'Ghost and Latitude's
Bay. DOILY finds it very amusing as they left in a top
flight space yacht and returned in an old metal tank.
ALEX
SHAS, you sober?
SHARROW
No!
ALEX
That's OK then. Is it me or is it
cold in here.
SHARROW
It's cold in here!
ALEX
Also I might be hallucinating!
SHARROW
Well I know I am?
ALEX
I might be finally going ga, ga!
It's really stuffy and my head
feels weird. I keep seeing glimpse
of little glowing red eyes. I
think its the Teddies again.
SHARROW
Avoid the teddies! Say KRIS you
still awake?
ALEX
So she's out cold, they all are. I
think it's our nanities, we are
can run on less.
SHARROW
Oh perhaps I'm getting another
round of hallucinations too. I
think I saw a flash of light
through the window.
ALEX
What?
SHARROW
Light through the window!
ALEX
Oh, I'll see if I can reach it.
I'm almost frozen.
SHARROW
Let me give you my blanket you
look so cold. (Pause) Ahhh!
ALEX
Good for you SHAS! (Sound of
struggle to get up) Looking out
now.
SHARROW
What can you see.
ALEX
There is a light, I can't focus my
eyes properly.
SHARROW
Its the bloody carbon dioxide.
Well, I'm going to sleep now! It
was nice knowing you!
ALEX
SHAS, stop that stay awake, we are
not ready to go quite yet.
SHARROW
Well, its hopeless, we gave it our
best chance.
ALEX
Wait up, the light I thinks its
getting closer.
SHARROW
You sure you're not hallucinating.
Is the light shaped like a teddy
bear?
ALEX
No, it's. Oh, it's a spacesuit
light, its got a mag grapple!
METALLIC KNOCKING
SHARROW
My head is knocking!
ALEX
No you goose its real.
SHARROW
Oh, thank heavens!
ALEX
I'm going to wait until the suit
touches the grapple handles. Then
knock back.
METALLIC KNOCKING
SHARROW
Again!
METALLIC KNOCKING
ALEX hits the hull repeatedly
ALEX
The suits moving, oh holding a
comms pad to the window.
SHARROW
What's it say!
ALEX
Grappling to bay, pressure soon.
SHARROW
Oh, it's over, where safe, (gentle
weeping)
ALEX
Say don't cry, we're gonna be OK!
SHARROW
Another hour and we would have
been gone!
ALEX
That was, (Pause) intense!
SHARROW
(Laughter relief) ALEX the master
of understatement!
MORE BANGS THEN
DOOR BEING UNDOGGED
Door swings open and DOILY enters!
DOILY
Jesus it stinks in here. I must
say I'm getting real tired of
constantly having to rescue you
two! Here grab this oxygen,
bringing in a vent tube!
SHARROW
I never thought I would say this
DOILY, but I'm glad to see you!
DOILY
Thanks! GANDER and RUDI are really
pissed at you, its cost us some
expendables to get out here. Not
to mention a number of the guard
being disciplined. Caused a right
stink. Oh, nearly as bad as your
B.O.
ALEX
Yes, yes, I'm officially
embarrassed. Anyway It's KRIS's
fault really!
SHARROW
ALEX, stop it. We're all to blame,
including you! We where idiots for
sure!
DOILY
Finally something you and me can
agree on! (Pause) So how are the
rest of the human orgy at the
back?
DOILY nods towards the human huddle of bodies.
SHARROW
Not so good, they don't have our
nanities!
DOILY
Oh, creepy! Look give them some
Oxygen, it'll revive them. Oh I
think I can see movement!
KRIS
Ohh, shit. Two hangovers in two
days!
SHARROW
SOPHIE we're safe. Don't go back
to sleep! Here take this. Breath
slowly and deeply.
SOPHIE
Oh high SHAS, you look nice. I've
been really cold SHAS. Can I
snuggle please.
DOILY
I'm I interrupting anything here?
SHARROW
SOPHIE, hello, look we are in
public so wakey, wakey, we have to
get out and face the music!
SOPHIE
Yeah, ahhh (Stretching) I know.
It's going to be bad. The wrath of
the Gander and all that!
SHARROW
Yes it is, but we have to fess up,
no avoiding it!
ALEX
(Stretching ahhhh) Ohh, got a
bitch of a sore neck. Oh, so DOILY
no band this time?
DOILY
Watch out here she comes!
Gander stomps over really, really annoyed.
GANDER
What the bloody hell has been
going on. What did you think you
were doing. This was so stupid I
don't know where to begin.
ALEX
SHAS does she sound like your mum!
GANDER
What, I should put both of you
over my knee, unfortunately It is
a little too delicate for that
nowadays, but what the f***.
SHARROW
Petrol, fires ALEX! Stop it!
ALEX
Gander, calm down please. We know
we were stupid, we are sorry,
right. We will make things right
OK!
GANDER
Trackamina, as if I don't have
enough to worry about, without out
you boneheads going on an illegal
excursion.
ALEX
We didn't actually. The ship
decided to leave without us in the
driving seat.
GANDER
That's what they always say. If
your on a ship your supposed to
have awareness of what it is
doing. End of story. (Pause) So
exactly where is the fancy yacht?
Where's KRIS?
ALEX
All, in good time GANDER. KRIS
will tell the story. Let's just
say, we had to, um sacrifice the
yacht. Its a long story.
GANDER
Sacrifice the yacht! It's
millions of dollars. You don't
sacrifice the yacht dah! Well,
this story of yours, had better be
good, because RUDI and I are very
upset!
ALEX
Yeah, I figured that much. Look do
us a favour and give us an hour to
re-oxygenate and freshen up, then
we will tell what happened.
INT. WELCOME RELIEF - 18 - 11.2
LOCATION: INSIDE 'Ghost and Latitude's' Bay.
DOILY is leaning inside the makeshift craft assisting in
slowly waking the people packed inside whilst trying to
extracting them. KRIS expresses relief at the fact that
her space yacht was unloaded before their crazy
adventure. KRIS had brought a new top flight avatar for
GHOST. DOILY expresses thanks towards KRIS for her kind
gesture.
DOILY
Mind your head, watch the hatch
SOPHIE.
SOPHIE
Don't want to leave, want to
snuggle!
DOILY
SHARROW Is she always this
reluctant to get out of bed?
SHARROW
Always! Morning, complete shit
show, its terrible.
SOPHIE
Oh hi SHAS can I have a cuddle?
SHARROW
Oh, Come here OK.
DOILY
You look a little spacey SHARROW?
SHARROW
It's a bloody pill that KRIS gave
me, for my space sickness.
DOILY
Oh, yah, I remember that. Lets
hope it worked.
SHARROW
Oh, It worked, just made me as
high as a kite. This oxygen is
helping though!
DOILY
I hate to admit this. Who's idea
was it to rig the squawker, I was
half impressed. Worked a treat.
We would never have found you with
out it.
ALEX
That was all ZED. Smart lad ZED!
DOILY
Yes, he is. Shame about the other
annoying stuff, though!
ALEX
Say finally something we can agree
on!
DOILY
I guess it was pirates hah. GANDER
thought it might be. She was
really worried, started pacing.
It's not a good sign.
ALEX
Yes, I can see. Never seen here
like this. Scary! Look, even we
were worried at one point.
Managed to (Paused) 'neutralise'
the vermin. They won't be
carrying out any more raids.
DOILY
Neutralised permanently, hah, no
half measures with you?
SHARROW
Yes we used gyroscopic prejudice.
DOILY
What?
ALEX
They experienced an out of control
gyroscope at close quarters. Look
lets wait and we will tell the
whole story its been a hard few
days believe me! I really need a
shower!
DOILY
OK, then.
ALEX slowly with a slight cramp, walks over to GANDER.
ALEX
I can only apologise GANDER and
RUDI, I'm very sorry. We are all
sorry.
RUDI
That's all well and good ALEX, but
we were very worried, I'm getting
too old for all this unnecessary
stress.
GANDER
Yes, I forgot to wind my clocks, I
never do that. This story of yours
had better be a good one. (Sniff,
sniff) Oh, what's that smell.
ALEX
Oh, that's SHARROW sick.
GANDER
Oh, my god! You need to use the
ships vacuum shower now. I'll see
you all, in say an hour. Give you
time to co-ordinate the lies!
ALEX
You really need to dial down the
suspicion control.
RUDI
DOILY, report, ongoing threat
situation? Or can we stand down
the troops?
DOILY
Yes Marm, stand down. ALEX says
any threat has been neutralised.
RUDI
Oh, well another wild goose chase.
(On communicator) BOY stand down,
zero threat situation, both ships
rendezvous at CAP, prepare for
return journey.
BOY
(Over radio channel) Very good
Marm!
DOILY
Well folks, if you would like to
all disembark from this 'ship' we
can strap it down and delta V back
to New London. SOPHIE you still
cuddling! SHARROW I can see what
you mean. Like starting an old
ship!
SHARROW
Yep, it's definitely hard to get
that old engine started in the
morning, it needs a really strong
coffee!
SOPHIE
Ahhhh, Oh hi DOILY, I think I
drifted off for a second! SHAS can
you help me up.
SHARROW
Of course, here take my shoulder.
Lets get you to the shower!
DOILY
Arghh!
They hobble off!
DOILY
So you two, yes you two in the
back, what are you called?
PIGLET
Ahhhh! I'm PIGLET this is FROGMAN.
DOILY
Jesus, its a bunch of dope heads!
KRIS
DOILY take a chill pill, let them
out, they are good guys!
DOILY
Sure! You know the thing that
really pisses me off is you got me
all excited over your Lorenz
drives and then I didn't even get
a chance to look at them!
KRIS
Sacrificed on the alter of crass
stupidity I'm afraid.
DOILY
Ouch, sounds expensive.
KRIS
Not expensive!
DOILY
Really!
KRIS
Yeah really. Insurance. I can
make a claim at Lloyds because of
the pirates!
DOILY
I can never tell if you're joking?
KRIS
No, I'm not joking, it's true!
DOILY
Jeez, I'll never understand high
finance. It doesn't make any
sense.
KRIS
I have one question for you DOILY.
DOILY
Yeah, what's that?
KRIS
Did you remove that large crate
from the small cargo area in my
yacht?
DOILY
Yes we did, but it's not been
opened. What is it.
KRIS
Whew, that's good. GHOST will be
pleased.
DOILY
What?
KRIS
Its a new IPRES 5 avatar body for
ghost, it cost a small fortune. I
just felt so sorry for her in that
clapped out old thing.
DOILY
I don't do this very often, but
I'm going to give you a hug KRIS.
Thank you. That's really wonderful
news.
KRIS
OK, OK, soldier. Now lets get
this shit show on the road shall
we? I really need a shower and cup
of tea before facing the GANDER to
justify the expense! (Laughter)
END