S3-E8-SALON INFILTRATION
INT. VIRTUAL HOUSEWIVES 5 - 3.1
LOCATION: Angel and Mays office - utility cupboard
SOPHIE has RITA and CANDY strapped into chairs in the
utility cupboard. She plans to inject them with a
hypnotic concoction produced by PIGLET and then plans to
train them in VR using positive and negative stimulus.
RITA
SOPHIE dear, are you sure this
won't hurt?
SOPHIE
No not at all, honey, all you will
feel is a little tingle. It will
help you become the glorious women
you have always wanted to be!
CANDY
Well, I'm not so sure, I don't
actually want to be a women, I
like being a queen. You know I'm
all man underneath.
SOPHIE
Yes of course I know you silly.
Think of this as helping make your
act more real, connecting with you
audience, astonishing them with
your femininity.
CANDY
So let me get this clear, we go
into this virtual world simulator.
Then you run some situational
training programmes, right?
ZED
Think of it like astronaut
training.
CANDY
Oh, I like those big strong
astronauts all those zippers and
fasteners, its sexy. Like
unwrapping a microwave meal.
ZED
Ah, yes, well not quite like that.
Its like the space program, you
know they practiced landing on the
moon over and over again.
That meant that when the real
thing happened, it was easy.
CANDY
Will there be big strong men in
the simulation.
ZED
Of course. I think the physical
fitness program avatar oils his
skin whilst he does push ups.
CANDY
Count me in.
ZED
Good, just lie back.
CANDY
So, ZED why do we need these
drugs?
RITA
Honey, when have you ever refused
drugs?
CANDY
Well, at least I don't need them
to keep it up.
RITA
Mr pee pee does not require any
chemical boosting thank you.
CANDY
You sure, you were popping those
pills the other day! You've taken
too many of those female hormones.
ZED
Ladies, ladies, can we focus,
please. Don't worry these drugs
are just to help you, ah relax.
CANDY
Are you sure its going to be safe.
ZED
Totally we use this virtual
reality suite all the time.
CANDY
So why do we have to use this
darkened cupboard.
SOPHIE
Oh that because we need to keep
you in a non distracting
environment. In the dark, so you
can concentrate, and are not
disturbed. Its safer too,
otherwise, whilst you under the
virtual reality someone could,
well take advantage of your
physical bodies.
CANDY
Oh, that sounds exciting.
RITA
Do you ever not think about sex.
CANDY
No not really.
SOPHIE
Well after this set of training
programmes you are going to be
classy ladies indeed. Now layback
and relax whilst my colleague, Mr
ZED administers the drugs.
TIMEPASSING
ZED
Are they out!
SOPHIE
Yes, thank goodness, these
bitches, its like handling wild
animals. I feel like a vet.
ZED
Whats in this stuff. Their heads
just dropped like blocks of wood.
SOPHIE
Oh its an evil concoction that
PIGLET devised. It has a time
dilation component, increased
neural plasticity, coupled with a
hypnotic stimulant. He also said
he popped in some super aggressive
artificial female hormones. Its
the devils own brew. His eyes
were just so excited when I picked
it up. He really wanted to see the
results.
ZED
Hell, I'm glad I'm not on the
receiving end.
SOPHIE
They will only be out for a couple
of days, but it will seem like a
year to them.
ZED
Are you sure they won't choke?
SOPHIE
Oh we are going to intubate just
to be certain don't want them
croaking on us. I borrowed a
couple of auto intubators from the
RCBS medical bay.
ZED
I'm not sure I'm liking this side
to you SOPHIE, its very
disturbing.
SOPHIE
Needs must ZED, needs must.
ZED
So what programmes are you going
to run?
SOPHIE
I did an extract and merge from
the programs of two Swiss
finishing schools, a ballet
course, elocution lessons, home
science, makeup lessons, two
modelling courses, clothes making,
oh and a whole set of romcoms from
the past 40 years. It's set on
rotate.
ZED
Sounds ghastly.
SOPHIE
Oh positively fiendish. I have
also ramped up the haptic
feedback. If they don't comply
with the training they receive
electric shocks, if they comply
they feel pleasure. Simple, it's
like Pavlov's dogs.
ZED
Pavlov's bitches you mean
(Laughter) I thought this sort of
thing is banned.
SOPHIE
It is, but these two bitches are
long overdue some life lessons.
I've put them in this cupboard so
we can't hear their moaning and
thrashing around.
ZED
So that's what the straps are for?
SOPHIE
Yes we don't want them hurting
themselves.
ZED
Jeez!
INT. FEMALE PROGRAMMING - 5 - 3.2
LOCATION: Angel and Mays office
SHARROW wonders why the servers are slow. SOPHIE has to
admit that its the VR simulation she is running for the
enforced training of the DRAG Queens. SHARROW is
fascinated and repelled but they both decide to enter the
VR to watch the proceedings.
SHARROW
SOPHIE why is the server so slow
today, what's going on?
SOPHIE
Oh, its just a training program
I'm running.
SHARROW
Training program?
SOPHIE
Yes I've been meaning to tell you.
SHARROW
Oh.
SOPHIE
Well you know that MAURICE has
been training those two DRAG
queens to assist in our
investigation.
SHARROW
Yes, I must say, I'm sceptical.
Those mouthy queens will never
pass as women. How is the
training coming along.
SOPHIE
Well, MAURICE wasn't getting very
far, so I had an idea.
SHARROW
I don't think I'm going to like
the sound of this.
SOPHIE
Well I had to be practical, we
needed them trained up and
quickly. I came up with an idea
to accelerate their learning.
Come and look at this. Please
don't be upset!
Sophie goes to the clean cupboard and opens the door.
DOOR OPENING
OCCASIONAL MOANING
AND THRASING OF
CONSTRAINED BODYS
SHARROW
Oh, my god, SOPHIE what have you
done. Why are they strapped down.
SOPHIE
Oh, that's so they won't hurt
themselves.
SHARROW
What's the intravenous drip for.
SOPHIE
We have increased their neural
plasticity.
SHARROW
What are they doing in the Virtual
Simulator?
SOPHIE
Well, its like a set of female
training course with strong
feedback, positive and negative.
SHARROW
Negative, I don't like the sound
of that!
SOPHIE
Oh, its just a mild electric
shock, it won't permanently damage
them.
SHARROW
Oh, jeez, there not animals!
SOPHIE
Aren't they?
SHARROW
Well..., now you mention it! So
how long have they been in there?
SOPHIE
Only a day.
SHARROW
You won't train them in a day.
SOPHIE
Well, from there point of view
they are in a dream state with
slowed down time. I got PIGLET to
knock up a brew, which we
injected. The I/V's keeps the dose
correct. Its full of hypnotics
and time dilators and enhances
their neural plasticity whilst
they run through their paces.
SHARROW
Oh my god its awful! Really you
worry me SOPHIE.
SOPHIE
Yes, I worry myself at times. I
was slightly guilty at first but
then I remembered all the nasty
shade they dished out during my
transition. They kept saying
things like, 'Why is you voice so
deep' and 'Oh your makeup is over
done'. After thinking about that
for a while, the guilt feelings
just melted away. (Giggle)
SOPHIE smiles
SHARROW
The Nazi's had nothing on you. Its
diabolical. (Pause) So what are
they experiencing right now.
(Pause) We have just got to see
what is happening, its like the
worlds best reality TV.
SOPHIE
Well, I don't know where they are
in the loop but, I can insert us
as observers, they won't be able
to see us or hear us, but we can
talk between ourselves in singular
engagement mode.
SHARROW
OK, this I have to see, lets go.
ENTERING VR SOUND
SOPHIE
(Whispered) I think its the
elocution lesson!
TEACHER
So the principles of elocution
are: Articulation, Inflection,
Accent and Emphasis. So repeat
this phrase: "You have brains in
your head. You have feet in your
shoes. You can steer yourself any
direction you choose. You're on
your own. And you know what you
know. And YOU are the one who'll
decide where to go…"
CANDY
You have feet in you shoes,
arghhh!
ELECTRIC SHOCK
SOUND
TEACHER
No, sorry! Wrong order, Try again
please.
CANDY
You have brains in your head. You
have feet in your shoes... (fade
out)
SHARROW
What was that?
SOPHIE
Oh, she just got a shock, the
diction was slightly off and she
changed the order. I'm surprised
she is still getting the shock.
She must be stubborn.
SHARROW
It's utterly diabolical, they are
like lab rats.
SOPHIE
Yes but it has the advantage that
it works.
SHARROW
How much longer are they going to
be in here?
SOPHIE
Well for them about another six
months, for us probably a couple
of hours. I have to leave it long
enough for the learning to take
hold. When they come out they
will be unrecognisable.
SHARROW
(Shudder) Its diabolical.
INT. SALON INFILTRATION - 5 - 3.3
LOCATION: Outside 'Beautiful Looks' Salon
SLIM is directing the two DRAG Queens who now present as
over the top, upper class women. SLIM can't believe what
SOPHIE did! They enter the salon and proceed to get their
nails done, whilst chatting to the pedicurist. They find
that the two killers left the salon the previous day.
SLIM
(Radio voice) All stations alert
operatives approaching target.
(Normal Voice) Do you think this
will work ALEX?
ALEX
I'm not sure SLIM but you should
have seen their eyes when they
came out of the sim. It sent a
chill up my spine. There is
something off about them, too
careful, too perfect, the way they
are moving swinging those
handbags.
SHARROW
There was something disturbing
about the glassy eyes look. It
gave me the creeps. SOPHIE really
did a number on them but she
insists it will lesson with time.
ALEX
So are you saying they will never
return to their old form?
SHARROW
I don't think so, the change is
probably permanent, it might
become less artificial in time
perhaps.
ALEX
Well, they will never pass as men
now, so unless GANDER marries them
off, what are they going to do?
SLIM
That's a ghastly thought, I pity
the poor fella that snags one of
those snakes.
ALEX
SLIM, their sexual orientation
might have been reprogrammed too,
who knows?
SLIM
Well, they appeared to like men
before so I guess we will find out
soon enough.
ALEX
Perhaps they could end up as
workers in one of the brothels?
SLIM
Well, lets hope that never happens
I actually feel sorry for them, no
one deserves what they got. If
they were a horse I just put it
down straight away, it ain't
right. (Pause) Look, they are
just about to enter the salon,
lets hope the cameras keep
working. (Radio voice) back up
teams stand by.
DOOR
ASSISTANT
Good morning ladies, how can we
help you.
RITA
(Highly refined voice, like the
queen) Oh, good morning, we were
wondering if you might be able to
receive a full manicure and
pedicure from this establishment.
Unfortunately we don't have an
appointment.
ASSISTANT
(Slightly taken aback by the
rather posh turn of phrase) Lets
see, we have a slot in around five
minutes, can you wait?
CANDY
Oh yes, thank you madam.
ASSISTANT
Ladies if you could please wait
over there, help yourself to the
magazines and coffee.
CANDY
Thank you, so very kind of you?
ASSISTANT
Of course no problem. (To her
assistant) (Whispered) Quick get
some one free for a pedicure, I
think we have some important high
class ladies, quickly now.
RITA
Oh look Miss CANDY these are new
and different magazines. I was
getting so tired of those we had
in our training, I really must see
the makeup and dress sections.
CANDY
Oh yes indeed, how lovely, If you
would be so kind as to pass them
on, I want to see the shoes, I do
have a particular fascination.
RITA
That is so commendable dear. There
is nothing wrong in a lady being
interested in how she looks. Oh,
just look at this combination
isn't it divine! CANDY it's to
died for! (Girly giggle)
ASSISTANT
Ladies sorry to interrupt you, if
you would like to come through to
the pedicure chairs. Did you
bring open toed shoes.
RITA
Oh, no, so sorry dear, we came in
on a whim, the colour charts in
the window looked so wonderful.
ASSISTANT
Ah, yes, we do have a large range
of designs and colours. No
problem we will provide some open
slippers whilst the lacquer dries.
So sorry for the wait, we are a
little short staffed today.
RITA
Oh, no problems at all, how
delightful, thank you.
They are shown to the chairs.
FOOTSTEPS THEN
WATER SOUNDS
SLIM
(Radio voice in ear) Ladies if you
could enquire about the short
staff situation.
CANDY
(Whispered) To do so at this
moment would be impolite Mr
WINCHELL as you well know. Your
manners are really quite
atrocious!
SLIM
(To ALEX) You should hear these
two, they are like two old
spinsters.
PEDICURIST
Is everything to your satisfaction
ladies.
CANDY
Oh so sorry, My implant was
distracting me. So rude, I'm so
sorry!
PEDICURIST
Ah, OK, is this water temperature
OK. Oh! my, you have such
'strong' feet!
CANDY
I know dear, its so difficult to
get shoes to fit.
RITA
We have to get some specially
made.
PEDICURIST
Oh dear, that must be expensive.
RITA
Very, but its so important to have
well fitting shoes.
PEDICURIST
Well, you have such nice strong
feet.
Oh I'm sorry I have to just pop
over to the other chair just to
check on another client. I'm so
sorry, we are little short of
staff today.
RITA
Oh, no problem dear, they work you
so hard here, its simply terrible.
PEDICURIST
Oh, no the owner is normally very
nice, its just , we had two new
staff, they didn't appear today.
RITA
Oh how terrible, people are so
unreliable nowadays aren't they
dear. Just terrible.
SLIM
(Radio voice) Find out more, how
long had they been at the salon,
that sort of thing.
CANDY
Yes dear the modern world,
everything is just so changeable.
PEDICURIST
Yes I agree, these two were only
here for two weeks. (Leans in
close whispered) I shouldn't say
really but I'm glad here gone.
The other girls don't like them.
They were a little abrupt with
several of the clients as well.
CANDY
Oh, how terrible!
PEDICURIST
Yes, I think the boss would have
fired them if they hadn't left. I
think they have gone for good.
CANDY
How could you know that dear?
PEDICURIST
Well, it was strange they brought
their own scissors and nail
implements into the saloon and
insisted they use only their
tools. They kept them locked up
in their lockers at night,
wouldn't let any of us see them.
CANDY
How very rude.
PEDICURIST
Yes, was very strange. They gave
me the creeps to be honest, so I'm
actually glad they've gone, even
though I now have to work longer
hours. The boss was livid. Now
what shade of pink were you
thinking of?
SLIM
Shit that's blown it our birds
have flown the coup.
CANDY
Oh, I just love this one, what do
think RITA should we get matching
colours or go complimentary?
RITA
Oh, matching dear, sisters should
always stick together!
INT. MORE VICTIM'S - 5 - 4
LOCATION: Retrograde - Main Bar
SLIM, ALEX and team return to the Retrograde dejected.
They realise that they have been chasing the wrong lead
and the killers are always one step ahead of them. They
decide to bring GANDER up to speed on the situation.
ALEX
Well, that was interesting.
SLIM
It was like listening to the queen
having her nails done, but it did
elicit some useful information.
ALEX
Where are RITA and CANDY now?
SLIM
Oh, I got some of the Cherries to
escort them back to MAURICE before
they managed to escape and go
shopping.
ALEX
He is in for a big shock.
SLIM
I can't wait to see his face!
SOPHIE really did a number on
those two queens. (Pause) So what
have we got?
SHARROW
Well we know we just missed them,
but we know all the salons in the
area, we could repeat this show at
other salons until we get lucky.
They are obviously very canny
operators. You don't think that
perhaps they realised that they
might be under surveillance, do
you?
SLIM
No, those Cherries are almost
invisible. If they saw kids they
probably put it down to the 'slum'
conditions.
ALEX
Perhaps they moved on because they
didn't want to get fired!
SLIM
Well, its a good thing they did,
otherwise who knows what might
have happened to that poor salon
owner.
SHARROW
Dam it! These two killers always
appear to be one step in ahead of
us, every time.
SLIM
I think we should visit GANDER and
personally appraise her of the
situation. The manicurist and the
cutter appear to be closing in.
SHARROW
Yes good idea!
INT. UPDATE - 5 - 5
LOCATION: GANDERS Office.
Whilst they are appraising GANDER of what has occurred,
SHARROW realises she hasn't heard from SOPHIE. She
checks the diary and finds she has gone to a hair
appointment. They realise she may be direct danger from
the killers and arrange to rendezvous outside her salon.
GANDER
This is most disturbing. It seems
to me that these killers are only
one step away now. We are in the
so called end game. (Pause) I
think we have no other option than
to close your detective agency.
Temporarily of course until the
threat is eliminated. That means
locked up doors bolted and all
staff moved to the inn. The
Retrograde is guarded by the door
staff and, its much more secure.
ALEX
Of course agreed, no problems
there. (Datavise) Say SHAS I was
wondering, where is SOPHIE I
called her on implant but she is
not answering at all.
SHARROW
(Datavise) I don't know, hang on,
just checking the office diary.
Oh shit she has gone to have that
active nano put in her hair its
been booked for months.
ALEX
GANDER we have a potential
situation, SOPHIE has gone to the
hairdressers, she doesn't know
about the killers moving from the
target salons! She might have put
herself in danger.
GANDER
Trackamina! OK, don't panic, we
don't know that she is in danger.
Do we know where she has gone?
SHARROW
Yes its in the diary, its her
normal salon its called 'Elements'
GANDER
OK lets get over there. SLIM take
the Lassiter, provide covering
fire if necessary. SOPHIE may be
in danger.
ALEX
GANDER excuse me but you look like
you are you getting ready to head
out. Frontline its not normally
your sort of thing ?
GANDER
She is like a daughter to me, no
one is going to touch her!
SHARROW
(Datavise) ZED come in.
ZED
(Datavise) Yes, whats up!
SHARROW
(Datavise) Where are you?
ZED
(Datavise) In the Zero Target
Arcade.
SHARROW
(Datavise) ZED we think that
SOPHIE may be in danger, we need
you to help out? We are putting
together a team to make sure she
is safe.
ZED
(Datavise) OK, count me in, where
is she?
SHARROW
(Datavise) At the 'Elements' hair
salon, Lower Widmanstaten.
ZED
(Datavise) Yes I know it, I'm
about ten minutes away. I will
meet you there.
SHARROW
(Datavise) OK, we will rendezvous
outside, do not go in, wait until
we are there.
ZED
(Datavise) Roger.
INT. ACTIVE NANO NIGHTMARE - 5 - 6
LOCATION: Elements Hair Salon
SOPHIE goes to her regular salon and is having some very
expensive "active nano" put into her hair. Two temporary
hairdresser (She does not know) have replaced her
standard operative. EVADNE (One of the killers)
recognises SOPHIE from the intelligence information they
had been given as to people associated with the
Retrograde Inn.
They decide to kill her and make another one of their
death tableau's. SOPHIE keeps her cool and engages in
dialog with the killers to slow them down.
SOPHIE
Hi NERIDA how are you doing. It's
been far too long. Your looking
nice in that blouse.
NERIDA
Thank you SOPHIE, its lovely to
see you. I'm so excited,
(exaggerated) love and kisses!
SOPHIE
Love and kisses back to you too!
NERIDA
So your going to look fab when
we've finished with you. Your
friends are going to be so
jealous. Big day, active nano
wow, are you nervous!
SOPHIE
A little, I don't like the idea
that you have to cut my hair short
before you add the active nano
grafts.
NERIDA
Yes it is scary for everyone, but
once the nano is grafted, they
wrap around the natural follicles
and then creep down the shaft to
the bud end. From then on, we
just have to top up as we cut the
hair off. Its brilliant makes the
hair look unreal.
SOPHIE
Thanks NERIDA, I've been looking
forward to this for months. I
can't wait.
NERIDA
Now because this is a nano
technical installation with
electronics, we have to bring in a
specialists. I think I explained
this last time.
SOPHIE
Yes, you did, its definitely very
special.
NERIDA
So, we would normally used Jaycee,
but unfortunately I haven't been
able to get hold of her.
SOPHIE
Oh, is she alright?
NERIDA
I don't know, her implants just
ring out.
SOPHIE
Oh! That's weird.
NERIDA
Don't worry, the hair company
recommended a replacement team.
They said it was pure luck they
were in the area.
SOPHIE
They?
NERIDA
Yes its a two person team.
SOPHIE
Oh, its that difficult is it!
NERIDA
No of course not, relax its
routine. So if you just sit here,
I will get you a coffee, whilst
they prepare the machinery.
NERIDA walks through into the back room to prepare a
coffee.
NERIDA
You client is here waiting at
station one.
HENGE
Thank you we know, we are just
preparing the auto clippers for
the first phase.
NERIDA
Look, treat her gently, she is
very nervous. This is the first
time OK.
HENGE
Oh we know how to make out clients
very comfortable, don't we EVADNE
EVADNE
Yes we do HENGE, very comfortable.
DOOR
HENGE
Hello, Miss, sorry I don't know
your name?
SOPHIE
It's SOPHIE and yours?
HENGE
HENGE as in Stonehenge.
SOPHIE
Oh that's unusual.
HENGE
I suppose so. Now let me have a
look at your hair. Oh its is thick
and full bodied such a shame to
cut it!
SOPHIE
Well I do put on product, I used
to wear it much shorter.
HENGE
Well, I'm afraid, I'm going to
have to cut it down to a
consistent length of around three
centimetres, that is so the
bonding machines can work
correctly.
SOPHIE
Oh, I don't know, I don't want to
cut it.
HENGE
Now just you calm down and relax,
we are experts at this, it will be
over before you know. So sorry
but before proceeding I need you
sign these waivers, could you
please fill in your full name.
SOPHIE
Oh, this feels like surgery!
HENGE
Well, I suppose it is but on your
hair. (Paper sounds) Thank you
dear.
I will just get my colleague to
process this form and then she
will start prepping the nano
splicer machine, it needs its
tanks filled with the appropriate
active nano ingredients.
SOPHIE
OK, I'm ready.
HENGE
Well just close you eyes and I
will activate the auto shears.
BUZZING OF HAIR
CLIPPERS
EVADNE
Pssst. HENGE if we could please
talk in private.
HENGE
EVADNE please can you see I am
working.
EVADNE
Yes but this is urgent.
HENGE
Excuse me SOPHIE but my colleague
would like a word. If you could
just stay still and relax. I will
be back in a minute.
EVADNE
(Whispered) Look at her name!
HENGE
I don't recognise it.
EVADNE
Well, you might if you actually
read the briefings rather than
sharpening your clippers. She is
from the RETROGRADE Inn, that's
the same place that is flagged as
possible hideout for our targets.
HENGE
Oh, how very fortunate EVADNE, we
may have our lucky break at last.
So I will just have to have a
detailed chat and see what I can
find out.
Moving back to SOPHIE recumbent in the chair.
EVADNE
Sorry about that.
SOPHIE
Is anything wrong.
EVADNE
Oh not nothing is wrong at all.
(Pause) What lovely hair its a
shame to have to cut it.
SOPHIE
I know it took me ages to grow it,
its a big part of my identity. I'm
very nervous.
EVADNE
So I hear you are from this part
of the Bencubbin?
SOPHIE
Yes, lived here for most of my
life actually.
EVADNE
So, its a very 'earthy'
neighbourhood. What do you parents
do here?
SOPHIE
I never really knew them. I'm an
orphan, I live at a hostel called
the RETROGRADE, my foster mum is
the owner.
EVADNE
Oh, how very interesting. Is that
the same place as the drinking
establishment with the same name.
SOPHIE
Why yes its is, its all part of
the same building.
EVADNE
Oh good. Now my colleague is just
going to administer a small
injection.
SOPHIE
What! Why do I need that, its not
in the standard procedure. What
are you doing?
EVADNE
Just stay still, there.
SOPHIE
Owe that hurt! NERIDA help.
HENGE
EVADNE dear would you please
attend to the owner and any other
hair dressers please.
NERIDA
What are you doing to my client!
Leave her alone. Oh stay away from
me. Ohhh!
DART GUN,
COMPRESSED GAS
HAIRDRESSER 1
What are you doing? Ohhh!
DART GUN,
COMPRESSED GAS
TWICE
CLIENT
Arghhh!
EVADNE
There you go sleepy bye byes and
the client too. HENGE I was
getting really tired of them, they
had a whiny tone. I do think we
are in luck, the appointments book
is free for the next two hours.
I'll just lock the door.
SOPHIE
What have you done to them, oh I
can't move. Let me go!
EVADNE
Its just a little muscle
suppressant dear, not enough to
kill you, that would be
counterproductive. But enough to
prevent you being a nuisance. Now
I'm just going to strap you legs
down to the chair. I going to put
this belt around your waist. You
can look at our little book of
records, your arms will be able to
move. Don't bother trying to
escape the strap locks are coded.
Oh and if you have implants we
have activated a little jammer, we
wouldn't want you calling friends
now would we?
SOPHIE
Oh, my god you're the killers, the
Manicurist and the Cutter!
HENGE
Why thank you dear, its good to
see our professional reputation
has spread.
SOPHIE
You sick bastards!
EVADNE
Why thank you! Its all just a
matter of point of view darling.
We consider ourselves artists. We
don't just cut hair we rearrange
people bodies. The reds and
crimson colours of blood are so
stimulating.
SOPHIE
You are really sick in the head,
you know that don't you. That's
horrible!
EVADNE
Now stop yammering and focus. I
want you to look at our little
book of records.
SOPHIE
Why would I want to do that?
EVADNE
Please take a look. I don't want
to force you, it might get
unpleasant. Two of the clients
were dispatched before they could
appreciate our work.
SOPHIE
Oh, well OK then, show me!
EVADNE
Why Thank you dear, a good
decision. We have made some lovely
tableau's along the way and we
always like to show our
'participants', The nature of the
artwork is paramount. Its only
fair.
SOPHIE
I suppose there is a twisted kind
of logic to that.
EVADNE
Naturally, but my Phycologist
always thought that he could cure
me. He is in the first one by the
way page two. It was not my best
work, but then everyone has to
start somewhere. The tableau's
improved once HENGE joined the
team. Two people make the
arrangements so much easier.
SOPHIE
OK lets have a look. Ohh! Arghh!
EVADNE
Every page please, don't skip.
INT. KILLER DISAGREEMENT - 5 - 7
LOCATION: Elements Hair Salon
SOPHIE cleverly manipulates the two killers by playing
them off against each other. The killers start arguing
over how they are going to dispatch SOPHIE. She cannily
exploits this to cause more arguments and try and delay
the inevitable. Clippers go on and off as they threaten
each other. Just in the nick of time SHARROW kicks in the
front door and has a Ripley moment. SLIM advances but
trips on the cord of the clipper killer and she is thrown
backwards and her clipper hand drops into a basin full of
water. She is electrocuted. The other killer, the
manicurist, runs for the back door just as GANDER kicks
it in, which drives here scissors into her chest causing
mortal injury. GANDER assists by sticking them in
further.
SOPHIE
Ahhh, look can we get on with
this, I have looked through your
'artworks'.
EVADNE
No dear, sorry you can't rush
great art. We are going to make
you such a pretty death doll. Now
before the excitement of that, we
do unfortunately need to extract
some information.
HENGE
Now EVADNE please let me attend to
her scalp and death mask first,
before you start work on her
nails.
EVADNE
Why do you always get priority. I
must say I am starting to find
this regular routine somewhat
tiresome.
SOPHIE
Yes I agree, wouldn't the nails be
the normal first priority. If you
do your standard arrangement, I
have noticed that the bloodwork
always ruins the nails.
EVADNE
Thank you dear it's nice to have a
client that really appreciates the
nuances of the art.
HENGE
No EVADNE, we stick to the normal
process, one step at a time, this
is not the time to experiment.
SOPHIE
Well, sometimes its good to mix it
up. Need I remind you that great
artwork requires spontaneity.
HENGE
Well need I remind you in return I
have the surgical clippers ready
to go, and I want to take all this
hair off. I want to see the nice
smooth skull below. You are so
young and beautiful, it will be a
lovely clean scalp.
GIANT CLIPPER SOUND
EVADNE
Well, I'm sick of your presumptive
attitude. Why should you
immediately get to play with our
doll. You and those bloody
clippers. I want to do the
crossed hand pose and the blood
always messes with the new nails
HENGE
Your not moaning about that again,
are you really so blind as to
basic arrangement aesthetics. You
have a lack of discrimination that
is becoming so tiresome. I bet you
are going to use the crimson red
again for the nails.
SOPHIE
Oh, no I don't think that's a good
idea. Look, hand me your trophy
book please, thank you. So you
have done crimson three times now,
if you do it again your going to
break the pattern.
EVADNE
What do you mean!
SOPHIE
Well, the obvious pattern, see
pearl, pearl, crimson, crimson,
crimson. You have to do pearl, if
you don't it breaks the pattern.
EVADNE
Well, if its pearl then I will
have to go first otherwise the
blood and shavings will ruin the
nails.
GIANT CLIPPER SOUND
EVADNE
Back off HENGE, put those clippers
down, the shavings ruin the nail
polish. Stop!
HENGE
No you back off, I have the
clippers and they are oiled and
ready to go.
SOPHIE
Of course there's the other
obvious pattern, that you have
both missed.
HENGE
What obvious pattern?
SOPHIE
Well, the cross cutting, then
downward strokes, your starting to
get repetitive. Its not really
that artistic. Actually quite
boring really. I would say I'm
slightly disappointed at the whole
arrangement series. Its
predictable.
HENGE
Oh, that's rich, how can you judge
our great work.
You have never done a death
tableau in your life, what do you
know about the intricacies.
SOPHIE
Well, firstly you are making
presumptions about me, secondly if
I don't know a good death tableau
from and bad one, how come I
picked up on your rather 'sloppy'
cut and thrust technique.
EVADNE
Touché. Exactly dear, thank you! I
have always said she's just a
brutal mechanic, whilst nail work,
well, that's art. She is just one
step up from a hedge trimmer.
HENGE
(Scream of anger) A hedge trimmer,
how dare you! You have no
appreciation of the intricacies of
handling heavy gauge mark three
knife trimmers. I didn't spend
months in an abattoir practicing
severing strokes for nothing.
EVADNE
That about sums it up, doesn't it,
your just a brutal mechanic, with
no artistic skill whatsoever.
HENGE
I'll show you who is the artist
around these parts, I think this
time it might be a dual tableau.
GIANT CLIPPER SOUND
EVADNE
How dare you threaten me. I could
have your eyes out with my nail
scissors in an instant.
HENGE
Not before I cut off you fingers!
DOOR CRASHES
INWARDS, SMALL
EXPLOSION.
SHARROW
Get your hands off her you
bitches!
HENGE
(Mad scream)
CRAZY CLIPPER SOUND
SOUNDS RUNNING
FOOTSTEPS TRIPPING
ON CORD THEN CRASH
ON FLOOR FOLLWED BY
ELECTROCUTION
SOUND.
SLIM
You murdering bastards, leave that
innocent girl alone, ohhh (Crash
on floor)
SLIM gets the clipper cable caught around his leg, this
jerks EVADNE bak and her clipper hand drops into the
sink.
HENGE
Oh, oh, oh no (Electrocution)
EVADNE
Forget the nails, I'm out of here.
RUNNING FEET DOOR
KNOB THEN CRASH
EVADNE
Arghhh!
EVADKNEES clippers are protruding from her chest as the
door has pushed them backwards stabbing her heart.
GANDER
Going somewhere, you murdering
manicurist! Feel my nails.
SOUNDS OF GRISTLE
AND SCISSORS BEING
PUSHED IN
EVADNE
Ahhhhh!
GANER pushes in the clippers and twists them around.
GANDER
That's for Dr ELLINGTON and this
is for you even thinking about
hurting my family!
EVADNE
Ahhh! Ugh!
ZED
SOPHIE are you OK, OH my god I was
so worried!
SOPHIE
Oh Hi Guys, thank goodness. Just
in the nick of time. Can you undo
these belts I really need to pee.
(Pause) Well contrary to popular
belief it looks like these two mad
bitches are the ones having the
bad hair day!
END