Getting Your Sh*t Together

The Psychology of Anger

June 11, 2020 Cynthia Season 2 Episode 16
Getting Your Sh*t Together
The Psychology of Anger
Show Notes Transcript

**Disclaimer: my poor mic is having feedback issues. Trying my best to work out the kinks and will be resolved for episodes going forward!**

What's in this episode:

This episode is just a continuation of anger. With everything going on, I just want to say that your anger is justified. What I want to unpack is how to move the needle forward or what to think about when it comes to how you manifest anger.

**NOTE: I'm not a therapist. So, this is only from my viewpoint only!**

Things to realize:

  • Anger is considered a secondhand emotion. In that, when we're angry -- there is usually has to deal with us feeling: hurt, scared or threatened, disappointed or stressed. There is usually a primary reason and how we show our feelings around that primary emotion can come out as anger.
  • Being angry, it makes it easier for us to discount the primary emotion and just sink into the anger and not unpack it. We feel comfortable in it because it makes us feel better about our role in a particular situation (usually).
  • Anger can cause us to numb ourselves. Especially, if guilt/shame is at play. If we don't want to unpack our "stuff," it's easy to seek something else out to divert our attention. As someone who used drinking to cope with everything, I can't count how many times I used drinking to mask how down I was feeling, hoping the booze would make it go away.
  • Some tips and tricks to move ourselves out of anger. Being self aware is key, practicing empathy and I like to "parrot" back things that I hear to make sure we're both understanding each other!

Stay safe out there, friends! Here is the link to some online AA meetings. 

And as always, thank you for listening to my lovely show. If possible, I would love for you to review me on iTunes, Google, Stitcher -- anywhere, really. 

If you have comments or suggestions feel free to hit me up via the ways below! And sign up for my mailing list. I do like to do giveaways from time to time. 

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Unknown Speaker :

Hello, my name is Cynthia. Welcome to the latest Welcome to the latest episode, today's episode is going to be around the psychology of anger. It's kind of a continuation of the episode that I posted last time. And I'm sorry that there was a delay on posting this one, I recorded it and I was having computer problems. And I listened to the playback of the audio when I got it edited, hoping it would save me and it was shitty, so I didn't want to post it. And because I was like, I understand, I know what I'm saying during this recording, and I can't even understand it. So I can't even imagine And what anyone else would experience when they're listening to that. So pologize for the delay, here we are, as of this recording, it is in June of 2020. We are still in pandemic. And we are also in protests. I wanted to talk about, like the landscape of where we are and how that applies to anger. And myself personally, and from what I've heard from other people, of course, and kind of just be honest with where I least I am within all that. So as I mentioned, on my Instagram, I lost someone that was really close to me a week or so ago, and she was my mentor. She's kind of like an aunt, a mother figure. All the figures was a support and advocate for me. I was a supporting advocate for her and she was a woman who ran departments in my field. I'm a project manager by trade in a time where it was uncommon and unfortunately still is quite uncommon for black woman to do so. And while I met her when she decided to get Go up and become a freelance project manager. I got her to the course of her actually being on a team that I was running. And I always tell her that I felt that I learned as much from her, as she said that she did for me. And we were friends at work friends outside of work, and really, really close. So and she was an amazing person. So we lost the real one. And yeah, I'm battling that in the anger on that because it was due to COVID. And having to wear and how they the civil unrest and all the protests happening in the different viewpoints on the protest and people saying like, Oh, it's sad that, you know, George Floyd died, but you know, you, but they're looting they shouldn't be doing that. And just like losing sight of that, and I'm not here to say my stance on that. Really, I feel like peaceful protests is what we should do, but and I'm out there doing my best to support those who are trying to make positive change. I think that is always going to be my stance. It's like positive change, moving the needle forward. That's what I stand behind, but you have to acknowledge there's a lot of this trust when it comes to how the police has has been involved in this country. And there's also a lot of unresolved anger that was this is just like a breeding ground for all this to explode feeling like we can't do what we want to do. And then that happened, you know, so a lot of folks are angry, you know, I count myself as one of them. We had a form at work. And it was interesting. I won't go into the specifics, but I, I spoke and I rarely ever talk at work. I've never really talked about myself personally at work talk all the time, because they share what I do. And I was talking to my best friend about it. And I just said, you know, everybody wants to have like that everyone wants to like be like these eloquent creatures and have the perfect say, and all that and I was just like, fuck it. You know, I can be eloquent, but I did not prepare ahead of time. So I'm just talking. I mean, it's like I was just doing Authentic raw, whatever. So I mean, it is what it is like, this is where I am right now. And it's like I'm tired of having to be polished because I feel like as a black person in culture, especially in corporate cultures, you have that thing in the back of your head that you wouldn't be polished all the time. And I'm just like, so fucking tired of that. A lot of other people are granted the luxury of being able to be kind of rough around the edges or whatever, but not really, that's not really extended or hasn't been extended in me or to other people that I know. And, you know, I'm where I am. to dive back into the topic isn't angry, I'm heartbroken. I'm frustrated. No, I'm mourning and I don't know how to mourn someone in this environment. I'm stressed. You know, my brother, like, you know, as a lot of black men close to me, I'm worried about me. I'm working with crazy because it's like these boundaries between how you work now has changed and it's like we're learning as we go. And I have a tendency to be a workaholic anyway. And it's like monitoring that and feeling overwhelmed and feeling Really processed how I'm feeling emotions, like I'm angry and I don't want to talk and it's like, all that. So you know, and then of course, you know, there's my sobriety, I was failing course. Because that is like, like I forget, but you know, I don't. It's like balancing all of our health, wellness, peace of mind, all that shit. But there's just a lot of anger and frustration with me right now. I'm working, trying to work it through the best way I can. And I just wanted to talk about that because I feel like a lot of people have anger, you know, a lot. There's like, I feel like there's two camps, people are, like, justified in their anger and people that don't want to admit that they're angry, or they state that they never get angry. And I think either way, it's kind of like too much, and you have to kind of find that healthy man. That's hard to do. It's a balancing act. I guess. Just being aware. I think a lot of this comes down to being self aware and just being aware and then just be knowing what really sets you off. But you know, anger in itself is usually in results or result if something some other underlying emotion, whether you're fresh, whether you your pain, or you feel rejected or threatened or you feel like you're losing someone or you've lost someone or something that matter to you, and it's like, anger is usually either gonna be like the secondary emotion, you know to that a lot of people feel like, Oh, you know, sometimes I just wake up, I'm angry, but it's like, do you really just wake up angry? Or do you? Are you really bothered by something else? And then anger is how it comes off from it, you know? And there's other people that feel like they don't have any or like, Do you really not get angry? Or do you just know your feelings? Because I will say, as an addict, I know my feelings. That's why I drank the way that I did. Why would drink at work if I was having a really shitty day, why I would go to the bar during lunch and having drinking wasn't liquid lunch, I would have that. You know, I would go and then be like, I'm gonna go have a happy hour. I'm gonna go Place do I know that God makes strong quick drinks and they know me. So to make them stronger, some of them do that, or it's Friday, and I could be by myself. So I'm going to go and get two bottles of wine. It's going to last me all weekend. No, it's not. And I'm not going to do that. But it wasn't just because I just felt like I wanted to do that today. A lot of times, it was something I was going through something and I was either pissed off, I was upset, I was hurt, I was disappointed. And I didn't want to process that or sit in it and be uncomfortable. So I picked up something that would make me feel better, because shame is in it, then well, so when it comes to that allow people to like fingers just like this, this all encompassing thing, but there's really so many different levels and facets of how we get angry or why we're angry or how it comes across. No, it's usually it's usually like the underlying emotion is is there but then it's triggered by something else that kind of like explodes into how one manifests anger. Thoughts are a big one, of course. Because it's like, you know, like I said, like guilt and shame, like personal assessments, that stuff can ruin you specially if you don't have the ability to say like, okay, is this really what I think of myself as a true of myself? How do I unpack this? How do I dive into this and kind of figure out what's really driving me? Is this a valid thing I know, it's like, we automatically go into the negative and just beat ourselves up. Most of the time. There's like assumptions that we have about ourselves or other people have those that we take internally, interpretations of situations now that like, for me, it's always been kind of a clusterfuck. I'm not gonna even lie because it's like, I that's why I repeat a lot. When I'm talking to people. It's also something that served me well in my job, just because it's like, Okay, are we on the same page here? Or repeated back to you? That's what I'm hearing. Is that what you're getting? Okay, we're good. And I do this a lot in my personal life. It has been interesting to certain people because I guess they feel like I'm parenting being like a parent, but it's like, I just want to make sure we're on the same page. Because if especially with emotions and stuff, and you guys are both firing, it's wrong with being able to be misunderstood taking things the wrong way and then angers there, you know. So I just say one helpful tip for me, it's always been to pare it back. I guess there's another way to say it. But you know, I'm gonna try and deal with the moment and make sure that you're both on the same page. And both sides are being understood. angers also, I feel like is a emotion that a lot of people and you can see even now like I I'm I hesitate to say like, you know, angers and justify because I will not say that because I'm angry and I feel like no, everywhere we're on with your anger, you feel like it's justified. But I think if you think about it, and this is, like I said, just from my own viewpoint and things that have happened to me, I feel like a lot of people feel more comfortable and being angry or feeling like I'm just angry, like, this is just how I am, you know, and just sinking into that feeling. Instead of trying to figure out like, why we're necessary, why we're doing that. And I think it could be a conscious decision or unconscious decision. Because it's a lot of this stuff. If you think about just what's happening in the world right now with me personally, in my anger, I don't know if I would be able to process a lot of this stuff in the way that I am. If I was drinking, just because I would have been numbing myself and just seeing it. And I'm not here to judge anyone for what they do. I do my best to try not to do that. And this isn't me saying like, oh, people should do this. And but it's sort of I'm all I'm saying is like, I know that to be conscious to me is to be sober. So I can make these changes, at least for me, and realize when I'm just wanting to be angry, just because I'm used to being feeling that way now, and I don't want to deal with the real issue, because sometimes you want to be distracted. Like you don't want to remember you don't want to be present. You just want to be like I just wanted to feel how I'm feeling right now. I don't want anyone to challenge me. I don't want anyone to make any trouble. Think or slow down. I just want to feel this. I think what I will say when I was getting sober, I went through a period of that where I was just angry. I was just angry. And I know I spoke about it last week, but last time, but it's like, I was just mad for no fucking reason I just was, well, it wasn't, like I said, See where I go. I was not for a reason. I was because I couldn't drink. I was mad because I was feeling everything. And I couldn't put it in a box and be like, this is what this is. I was feeling things that I didn't know the words for. I was going through this period of really missing someone in my life wasn't really healthy for me, you know, but that's how things are. You know, I was just a lot of current disappointment and frustration. And it's like, you know, all that was anger coming out. I didn't want to deal with it. And I had to learn to sift it thinking about anger as a to me and it only matters to me being able to say like, Okay, everyone gets angry. Everyone feels this. How does it work? I have when I show up in situations, how does how does my energy impact other people and becoming like really kind of self aware that way? Sometimes I fall back into old things. I try my best, but really that self awareness stuff, man, it's been a game changer for me. I highly recommend it. But yeah, it's just like when you really sit there and start thinking about it, just with everything that's going on with how you are. I hope you guys are doing well out there. I hope you're doing what you need to do for you. Of course, always. And if you're angry and frustrated, if you're in pain, all that is valid, like the bottom line, like all that stuff is valid. It's just making sure you're doing what you need to do beat healthy, constructive and digging deep into the anger and why and how that can help push things forward, I guess is the one little nugget I would want to leave this episode where How can we push things forward and not stay stuck in our anger or stuck in the reasons why we're angry? I think this is a prime time, you know, for us to do that happy about the peaceful protests, and I hope this things change, they have to change that hope we take a lesson and learn from that. But in the meantime, if you're angry, feel it, but also unpack it for your own sanity for your own safety now for your own relationship. And just finally, one last thing that I want to say is just in your Connect, make all this team disappear. He can only distract you from it. So unpack, unpack, unpack unpack this, it will serve you even if going through it suck, but this episode helped you at all, please share it out. I know this isn't my typical focus around sobriety, but anger will tap your your stability around sobriety. So in a way, it's kind of like an offshoot of that. So I hope this has been helpful. I hope you glean something. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, always reach out Instagram, email, Twitter, all those platforms. Take care. Have a great day. Transcribed by