Getting Your Sh*t Together

Letting go of the Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda in your life

May 27, 2021 Cynthia Season 3 Episode 13
Getting Your Sh*t Together
Letting go of the Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda in your life
Show Notes Transcript


So happy to be back with you. I've realized that I really need to take a LOT of breaks this year and I'm going to have to roll with it because it's doing the body good.

In this episode I just want to talk about the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" -- why we use it, how we can start working on our past, handling it, making peace with it, and using it to move forward.

Take a listen. Let me know what you think? Agree or disagree?

Stay safe out there, friends! Here is the link to some online AA meetings.
If you're looking for a black therapist or resources, check this out!

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Hello, my name is Cynthia, welcome to the latest episode of getting your together a podcast where we discuss what it's like to get it all the way together or at least attempt to one day at a time. Welcome to lace episode, it's been a while I tell you, I had to go into just I won't even say I was gonna say self imposed exile. Because, you know, I'm dramatic, but it wasn't even that because I feel like exiles kinda has a negative common connotation. And I was really just diving in and tapping in and starting to really enjoy my life, get really get back into things that really promote the level of self care that I enjoy, especially when it comes to working out and things like that. Because truth be told, I was so lazy last year and and I tried to do like the In Home workouts, but that just was not for me. Like I like the gym. And I like the classes and I just prefer in person when it comes to that. Which is so funny because I'm an introvert, compared to most things, which I don't mind being by myself or so well. So I wanted to have a conversation with you guys today. I hope you guys are doing well. Wherever you are in the world and wherever you are in your life and your journey. But I wanted to talk about I guess I want to say like it's about being the shoulda, coulda woulda does. And I don't know, for those who may not be familiar, it's really breaking down like should have should have, should have, could could have or could have, you know, or should have or should have, you know, however you like to break it down. And it's a basically it's like the foundation of regret, right? And usually when someone has ever utilized that term should have coulda woulda it's kind of flippant. You know, you're just saying like, Ah, you know, I should have could have would have, you know, I should have could have would have done that better. I could have, like looking back on something and saying, like, you know what, it could have turned out differently handled it differently. But due to whatever, which is usually something negative, like it turned out the way that it did. It's kind of like blahs day, let's just move on to the next and not really taking the time to examine whether what you're feeling is a valid thing or not, right? Because I feel like in some aspects of life, we maybe all have some elements of regret, or Man, I wish I did that better, or did that differently. But it's also looking at like, okay, it didn't go the way that I want it to. But do I have that opportunity again? Well, I have something different will have something better for me? Is it something did I really want that and I but you know, and I didn't need it. And I just fixated because I thought that's something I should want. Like, for me, for example, I can look back on like elements of my drinking. And now that I'm going into, or is about to start sober summer basically. Or for me, I'm about to start that and I think it's my third one. And things are opening up. So I'm thinking about man, when I was drinking, like, I know, when I was drinking, I would have moments of just being shit. Wild, like just wild, you know, and waking up with so much regret the next day about you know, I should have done something differently. I should have acted differently. And because I was even thinking about it this morning randomly how you think about things like me getting so drunk and I would like pass out in public. Like I remember one time I passed out at like McDonald's because you know, you're drinking and then you need a whole bunch of salt and I used to just eat thinking like well I'm just I don't eat all day I'll just drink my calories and then I'll have like my snack. I was like you know my late night snack which is usually like you know, 20 piece chicken nugget, a large extra large fry whatever. And because I was drinking out of crave the salt and the sugar or the salt, not the sugar necessarily but grooved the salt and I pass out in like McDonald's I would pass out just like other things and I'd wake up and just feel like man I should have done things differently. But I would not do it. Like I would not do it. I think it's like coming but I had like this immense guilt about it when I became sober and really start looking at my patterns of activities. And I think I think about this a lot because in the summertime like I said your girl was reckless. Like I was reckless across the city had a lot of great memories in certain aspects but I have a lot more that are just like holy shit. You know, Cynthia, you could something could have happened. To you, or what did happen to you, because stuff did happen to me, I just had to come to terms with my choices, and I couldn't redo things. And now that we're back here and another sober summer, maybe I don't know, I'm supposing the audience that maybe if you're new, are you having a little bit of anxiety about this? Or maybe if you've been out of the wild, but it's just been like, it's we're opening up again, and everybody's gonna be like crazy, because we've been opening, we're opening up again, if you have any trepidation there, because I know for me, I was walking with my partner. And he's like, do you want to walk them? And I was like, Yes, let's go walk. And I was like, I forgot. Like, I'm getting back into that mode, where I just want to walk and I want to see things and I want to explore. And that stuff was like, dull for such a long time. And then also, I'm thinking about man, my second year of being in sober I was like, pretty much indoors and isolated. So I'd have to think about it. And now that things are opening up, it's like, Why are I don't feel like tempted to drink, as of today, you know, but it's like, I have like those things that like, man, I remember being when I felt like in quotes that I was carefree. And I could just go out and be me and just enjoy the city. But then reality that's like the should have could have would have been like, Oh, I wish I could have done this, or I wish I could have controlled this. But then in reality, I couldn't, I didn't want to, I wouldn't say like it's couldn't like, I did not want to like I did not want to control it, I did not want to stop drinking, I did not want to stop a lot of things that I knew was bad for me, because I just felt so poorly about myself, I just think that is something you have to always come front, right? It's something that's always going to be durational, something you're going to always have to come back to over time. And you're and it's like one of these things, I feel like a lot of us want to be able to say like this is what's going to really impact me and this is not. And you can't like in certain elements, you can but there's going to be things that surprise you like, for example, this year, now that we can kind of travel like I'm really looking forward to traveling again, I want to go back to Europe, because I miss it. I miss France and everything like that, and Spain and Italy and all these things that I want to go and do and see. So I plan to hopefully go later in the year. I've never been sober before. So there's a lot of like, Okay, well, I didn't act too reckless overseas, so I should be fine. I didn't get too in trouble. So it's like your are like I'm already doing like that bargaining, I'm just saying this and like just putting it out there for everybody. Because this is just where I am. And I always I'm always about like, let's put it out there and hide it. I don't know, I don't have all the answers. But this is just where I am right now. So I think a lot of this should have could have would has for me has just been thinking of my past. I want to say mistakes, I didn't want to say like it's mistakes within that I feel like that's even an element of guilt, you know, and shame. It's like my past learnings and where I'm at my best teachings, my past history, however you want to, like label it, and then thinking about how it applies to my present. And what I know for myself in the present. And even now am I where I would like to be no, I'm still coming out of a lot of just shaking off the trauma that um, 2020 had for me and things that I thought I had a better grip on. And I didn't and just being again, humbled by that now that I feel more free. That stuff doesn't go away. My history doesn't go away. What I did didn't go away, or what happened to me doesn't go away. But how I relate or how I react to it now can slowly start to shift and change. I think as we're working through things, and as we're trying to figure out where we are where we're trying to go, you can still think about your past. I feel like we're always going to think about it. But I think when it comes down into like this regret and this guilt and the shame about man, I should have done something different. You didn't. The truth is you didn't you chose what you chose at the time. And maybe it's because you didn't know maybe because you felt like shit. Maybe because you are self destructive. Maybe because you know this is what you are led to believe about yourself or life but you chose it. So it's like the point like you know, you can't redo that. All you can do is say like this is where I am in my life. This is what I'm trying to go and like I can't repeat any of that stuff. And I had to learn that a lot because it's like the shoulda coulda woulda thing about saying like, well if I had this other opportunity with this person, or with this place or with this job or with this friend you know then I'm gonna keep doing the same thing and hope that it is different because it's going to show that I'm I'm down or I'm that bitch or I'm a loyal and it's at whose expense though, at whose expense are you doing this? And is it really going to give you the result that you want. Nine times out of 10 it's not and certain elements, I feel like we need to figure out, you need to figure out, we all need to figure out what works for us and really understand when it's time to let something go, because it's no longer or it never helped or served you in any kind of way. Whether it's something you were led to believe you're raised thoughts, you have to be able to interrupt it enough to say, this is no longer what I'm about, or what I want, how do you go about and do stuff like this? For me, truthfully, I spent a lot of my time, especially when I was in early recovery, just really understanding myself and really committing and doing the work. I tell people like you really need to commit and do the work, not commit and do the work and then blasted on social media. You can of course share it on social media, you know, do you do you bow email it talk to your friends about it like all this, I almost want to say like but really before you post or do anything think is this? What I want to project to others, so others think I'm doing better? Or is this really where I am, because I know for me, I just I didn't post everything that I was doing, because I didn't want to put something out there that I truly wasn't doing or I wasn't really living up to. I didn't want to be part of that narrative. Just saying like it's better than what it is. Because it's not all the time I still fuck up. I think being able to just really step back and do this for you and see where you are. I see what you're about and talk. I know some people go the coach route, if that's for you. Cool. I know I went to therapy, there's groups, there's all types of programs and things that you can look for in if you don't have insurance, I feel like everybody kind of gets dissuade by money or insurance and I totally understand but there's usually free resources, or cheaper sliding scale resources. If anyone's listening to this and or that and they're interested about things like that, please just reach out to me and I'll do my best to help or connect you. And then I started just moving around getting into my body even though my body was not where I want it to be. And now I guess there is I'm doing the show to kind of wood up because like I gained a lot of weight during quarantine. And now I'm on the other side losing weight but it's like I'm trying to take it do it differently. Because I think I was so wrapped up in like new me new me because of my drinking and feeling like shit. And now I haven't been drinking. But there's still some underlying stuff that I need to work through. And yeah, I give myself grace because of 2020 was like a should show, you know, but I'm also having to be realistic about there's still stuff that Cynthia has to work through and being okay with that, man. It's been a whirl wind and I cannot speak it's early here early ish, I guess. But yeah, I really just want to stress if you're having those moments or having those thoughts, it's totally natural, it's totally normal. Just write them down, talk to someone about them, make note of them in some kind of way. record yourself saying them so you have record and just really go back and see what is this about. And know that if it's in the past, you can't change it. But you can learn from it and use it as something to really keep going or build something positive for yourself. But know that it's gonna take time, and you're not gonna always get it right the first time you're gonna have to pivot and be agile and be nimble, because that's just life life is not a straight line, as much as some of us would like it to be. I personally don't some people find that type of stuff comforting, but that's not life. And we kind of have to just be okay with that. And still try our best to be human and do what's best for us in the time that we have here. Well, my friends, thank you for listening, this resonate with you please share it out with your networks. If there's a question or anything that you would like to know, please always reached out to me in dm, email. Thank you, for those that have reached out to me said that you listen to the show that you are, you're here. I'm here to I'm here with you. We're in this together. I always appreciate it. And if there's anything you would ever like for me to cover, I'm always open to suggestions. This show is just as much about me as it is about you guys. So let's talk and connect. I'm always down for the cause, of course. Until next time, take care. Have a great one. Bye