138 - How To Shift Our Mindset Around Comparisons

In this episode Emily Garcia talks about the stories we create about other people and how that influences our lives.

Emily and her team provide individual therapy, group counseling, workshops, and wellness retreats. Their mission is to ignite authentic connections to help people change their lives. 

Emily began working with people on their mental health journey after graduating from college in 2003. After 17 years of working in the public sector and community mental health, Emily was ready to take the leap into creating a business that felt purposeful for the team she worked with and the people they served. She began Tribe because she had a desire to help others heal in the ways that she had healed on her own path of self-discovery. Her goal was to help people heal through therapy, movement, mindfulness practices, and personal development.

Emily is mom of 2 beautiful children, ages 11 and 8. She is married and lives in Arvada, Colorado. In her free time, she enjoys yoga, crossfit, coffee, being in nature, reading, learning, and laughing with friends. 

To learn more visit www.tribemindbody.com

In this episode we cover:

2:23     The Stories That We Create About Others

4:14     Emily's Story

10:15  The Gift You Can Give

12:58  Social Comparisons

16:01  Be, Do, Have Model

20:55  Saying NO

23:15  Honesty

24:25  ANT

25:23  Regret

26:48  1%

Thanks so much for tuning in again this week. I appreciate you  🙂

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Special thanks to Emily Garcia for being on the show.

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Transcript

Did You Know  0:02  
Did you know that when you measure yourself against others, you are using a standard that isn't realistic, because your situation is different from their situation? 

Intro  0:13  
Hello, action taker! Welcome to Live Blissed Out. A podcast where I have inspirational and informational conversations with business owners and subject matter experts to help you get the scoop on a variety of topics. Tired of hesitating or making decisions without having the big picture? Wanna be in the know? Then this is the place to go. I'm your host Marisa Huston. Helping you achieve bliss through awareness and action. So let's get to it. In this episode, Emily Garcia talks about the stories we create about other people and how that influences our lives. Emily and her team provide individual therapy group counseling, workshops and wellness retreats. Their mission is to ignite authentic connections to help people change their lives. Emily began working with people on their mental health journey after graduating from college in 2003. After 17 years of working in the public sector and community mental health, Emily was ready to take the leap into creating a business that felt purposeful for the team she worked with and the people they served. She began Tribe because she had a desire to help others heal in the ways that she had healed on her own path of self discovery. Her goal was to help people heal through therapy, movement, mindfulness practices, and personal development. Emily is mom of two beautiful children ages 11 and eight. She is married and lives in Arvada, Colorado. In her free time she enjoys yoga, crossfit, coffee, being in nature, reading, learning and laughing with friends. To learn more visit www.tribemindbody.com. 

Ko-Fi  1:46  
If you'd like to support this podcast and engage with our community, become a professional tear member for backstage access and monthly networking opportunities at www.ko-fi.com/liveblissedout. The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information only. And any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast should not be considered professional advice. 

Marisa Huston  2:13  
Emily, welcome to the show. 

Emily Garcia  2:15  
Thank you so much for having me. I am looking forward to our conversation. 

Marisa Huston  2:20  
Would you mind sharing what we're going to be talking about today?

Emily Garcia  2:23  
We are going to be talking about the stories that we create about other people and how that influences our lives. Because the stories we create about other people aren't always based on facts. And oftentimes when we negatively compare ourselves with other people, we're only comparing ourselves with our assumption about who they are and what they're doing. We're going to talk about that, and how to shift our mindset around comparison. 

Marisa Huston  2:53  
Oh, isn't that the truth? The thing is, we see a certain persona in front of us but we really don't know the whole story. It's assumptions that we make as human beings. So for example, if somebody smiles a lot, they think that their life is perfect. Just because they're smiling it doesn't mean they don't have struggles. And I think that we just come to certain conclusions, particularly in the world we live in today, where everything is about building that brand, about capturing attention. And we do it in such a way that we forget the struggles that have led to that point. 

Emily Garcia  3:25  
Absolutely. We don't see the backstory that goes into where someone is or who they are, we only see what they're presenting to us. So whether that's in person, whether you're with someone face to face, or what we're seeing on social media, we don't know what happens in their home, in their relationships in their business. We don't know the full story most of the time. 

Marisa Huston  3:44  
Oh, absolutely. And we also forget how long it took that person to get there. Sometimes we just think when we see a successful person, they woke up one day and everything just you know happened for them. When the reality is it took decades, likely, for them to have gotten to that point. 

Emily Garcia  4:01  
Absolutely. 

Marisa Huston  4:02  
Now that we know that people just see a certain part of other people on the surface and we don't really understand what's going on behind the scenes, how do we get past that? 

Emily Garcia  4:14  
Well, I would love to tell you a story about me and how I got to where I am that would help to facilitate some understanding about the way that we look at other people. It's funny that you brought up people who smile a lot and seeing a persona because I am one of those people. I always have a smile on my face and so I've had a lot of people say to me, you're always happy. It feels like everything in your life is really easy. I am very happy because I choose to be happy. However, that's not where I came from initially. Right now, I'm a mom. I have two children. I'm a wife, I'm a business owner, I'm a therapist. I facilitate workshops and retreats. I have a group practice where other therapists work with me. And there are a lot of really wonderful things that happened in my life, but it is very different from where I came from. So as a child, my family struggled financially. We ate out of the black and white generic food boxes, we got monthly food boxes from food banks. My parents divorced when I was a baby. And my mom remarried when I was about preschool age, and I had a really abusive stepfather. When I was 15, I told about this abuse, it was sexual abuse. And that led to the police getting involved and me being removed from my home. And when I was removed from my home, I went to foster care. Fortunately, I was able to go into kinship foster care, and my sister who was 23, at the time, became my kinship, foster mother. And you could imagine that a 23 year old raising a 15 year old would be a really difficult situation. She did an amazing job. She knew that I was not on the right track, because I had been doing really poorly. I had gotten to a point in my life at 15, where I didn't really care because there was so much trauma that was happening in my home, that I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to do any of the things that I needed to do. I wasn't involved in any school activities. And once I moved in with her, she was very strict and made me bring home a progress report signed by every single teacher, every single Friday where I had to have A's and B's on it, I had to show that I had been at school every day. And things started to shift in my life. I ended up doing really well, getting involved in a lot of activities and completely changed everything around my final two years of high school. And then went to college was doing great. During this time, what I left out is that I had testified in court against my stepfather and he went to prison for 18 years based on the testimony. And there was this whole other part of what was happening with me. And I've always been the person who smiled and people had no idea what was going on, and had this story of what was happening. So I ended up going to college, things are going really well. And I met a man after I graduated from college and started dating, later married him in my late 20s. And he ended up rejecting me. He wasn't able to stay in our marriage in a healthy way. And so after we had kids, we got a divorce. And this led to me having a lot of wake up calls about what I was doing, because I was a people pleaser. And I wanted to do everything that made other people happy. And during that time, I remember feeling so jealous of other people and looking at other people's relationships and thinking, how do they have such healthy relationships, even in the past, when I would have judged people for their relationships and look what I did. I went into something with eyes open and chose a relationship that was really bad. I should have known better. And I had all these negative thoughts about myself, and why I had made the choices that I did. The good thing about that time in my life is that it gave me the chance to really self reflect and I started doing a lot of different things to improve my life. I was going to the gym for my physical wellness, I was going to my own therapy, I was reaching out to my network of women who supported me and doing things like just sitting with them and crying and laughing. And all of these things helped me to start to shift who I was. And then I realized that in order to find a relationship that was really healthy, I had to have a really healthy relationship with myself. I started to feel like I was the one that was deserving. And I joked that I was dating myself. I would buy myself flowers and I would say nice things to myself and I would take myself out on dates. And it became this really beautiful time. Later on. When I met my husband, who I'm married to now I was in a really healthy place. And it allowed me to attract someone who was also in a healthy place. All of that to say, personally and professionally, who I am now and the persona that I have, has taken a long time and it has been one step at a time. And a lot of failures. And a lot of I'll try it and see how it goes. In my business, I would do things in the very beginning, like do a Facebook Live. And there was one or two people who watched and I wrote a blog every week. And there were one or two people who read it, and workshops where I had one paid participant. But I just kept saying like this is a long game. It's a long game, and I'm just going to keep showing up. And I'm not going to quit even if I want to times. So that's how I got to where I am now. And it's the image that people see, but they don't see the backstory. 

Marisa Huston  9:15  
I think so many of our listeners are going to relate to what you're saying, in a sense that it's so easy to think that it's just you. And I think part of it is because when we put ourselves out there, let's say we're inviting people to an event, or we're blogging information that we think might be useful and nobody shows up, we think, wow, they must not like me. I'm doing something wrong, or why is everybody else so successful in gathering so many people that engage with them, and I can't. But if you approach it from the sense of I'm giving something. If somebody wants the gift, they could take it and it's not about me. When you approach it from that perspective, you are fulfilled because you're just putting things out there and not really having any expectations or worrying about how many people are listening or how many people care? It's really about, if there's just one person that you've been able to shine a light on, or put something positive out there, you're doing something wonderful and just keep doing it. 

Emily Garcia  10:15  
Absolutely, it really is, the gift that you can give to other people is showing up. And that one person who you help later on can turn into 10 people and can multiply into 100. And keep multiplying, but it really is starting with my goal is to help one person. And being okay with that person also can then go out and share what they've been given and multiply it in other ways. 

Marisa Huston  10:39  
Yeah, absolutely. And going back to what you were saying about smiling, I'm the same way. I smile a lot. And people say the same thing. To me, there's two things I think about...one is, I smile, because it's hard to focus on the negative when you're smiling. So part of it is it allows me to put a better mood in my life so that then I can address things in a more positive way. So it sets me up that way. But the other thing I think about is, I want to brighten other people's day. And if I'm frowning all the time, or upset or grumpy, then the reflection on the other person who's probably already having a bad day is not helpful. I just feel like there's no downside to smiling. And to be honest, I've been that way my whole life. So I don't know how not to smile.

Emily Garcia  11:23  
You and I are very similar. We're both smileys. It is true. There are enough people in the world who aren't smiling. But if you look at someone who's smiling most of the time, you're going to smile. 

Marisa Huston  11:33  
Exactly, they can't not smile. And in fact, if you let's say get on the phone with somebody, and they sound like they're having a bad day, you know how they say you can hear a smile over the phone? I mean, just one key word, the tone that you use, whatnot can change everything for them and just brighten their day, because they probably talked to 100 people who've been yelling at them the whole time. Just trying to put a little spark of light in the world. There's no downside to that. At the same time, I think what happens is people then assume that your life is perfect, that everything is wonderful and it's not fair. Why do you have a perfect life than I don't? 

Emily Garcia  12:06  
Yeah. And that goes back to the assumption that we make about people that we see who we perceive them to be. And we make that assumption about what is happening in their life, when really that can be completely off base. 

Marisa Huston  12:20  
Yeah, absolutely. That comparison is really scary, because everybody has a struggle. And some of us are really good at sharing those struggles. And other people are private people. Let's say on social media, if somebody gets sick, some people will go out there and share the entire process. Like, what they're going through, and how they're feeling and all that. Other people get sick and you never hear a word.

Emily Garcia  12:41  
Right.

Marisa Huston  12:41  
And so you think, okay, that person never gets sick? Of course not. The more vocal you are, the more people know what's going on. And there's just some people that are very private, and don't share those things. You really just don't know what's happening. All human beings go through struggles in different ways. 

Emily Garcia  12:58  
You know, there are studies that have shown that people who make frequent social comparisons are more likely to have regret, guilt, defensiveness, and also to lie and blame other people for their unmet needs or cravings. It really does make a difference to understand that your perspective really is only your own, and do your best to find out what is happening for someone else from their mouth. 

Marisa Huston  13:22  
The one thing I think, Emily, that you and I have discovered, and I think this comes with experience and time and all that is that you start with yourself. You try to be the best version of yourself. We're going to continue to fall. And that's the other thing, it took me a very long time to learn how to fail, because failure was perceived as this negative thing. I don't know about you, but there's so many things I try and I fail at over and over. But I just look at it as learning. And that mindset has changed everything for me, because then I go, I tried that, oops, didn't work. I'm gonna try something new. And it makes me a better person. It's a necessary step that needs to happen, a trajectory that you have to take in order to get to where you want to go. And if you approach it from that perspective, failure is just learning. 

Emily Garcia  14:08  
Yes, failing forward. We have to get outside of our comfort zone and do things that are scary and make mistakes. And that's how we learn. It's like if you think about a baby, when they're learning to walk, and they're starting to toddle around and they fall over. They don't just stay on the ground. They get up and they do it again. And we have to be willing to be vulnerable and not good at things in order to get good at things. 

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Marisa Huston  15:11  
Also determine what is failure? 

Emily Garcia  15:13  
Right. 

Marisa Huston  15:13  
Let's say you put out a blog, and one person reads it, but that one person's life was changed. Do you consider that a failure? I don't know. That really is on you. If you approach what you do with love, and you approach it from a place of, I'm giving, and I'm putting some good out in the world, and I'm being a better person for it. If you're creating this environment, where it's a positive situation throughout, it doesn't really matter how many listens you get, or how much money you make. All those other things to me are just icing on the cake. The cake is what matters. And it's really about you, to your point, Emily, working on you, being your best version, reflecting on yourself and trying to be good, and making a positive difference for other people. And when you do that, you can't lose. 

Emily Garcia  16:01  
Yeah, and that makes me think of the be do have model, which is starting with a very clear picture of the results that you desire for yourself. And so it's having what I would call a winner mindset. And it's not about what do I need to do to be who I want to be? But who do I need to be, in order to do what I want to do and have what I want to have? It kind of goes back to what I was saying before I met my current husband is I thought if I want a healthy relationship, and I'm clear on the characteristics that I want in my partner, I need to look at that list and ask myself if I embody those characteristics? Am I a person who I would want to be in a relationship with? 

Marisa Huston  16:39  
You can't give if you don't work on yourself first, right? Because your right tank is empty. You have to be running on a full tank. 

Emily Garcia  16:47  
Yeah. And so the thing about running on a full tank is that as you are deciding who you want to be, you're asking yourself, what kind of people do XYZ? And for me what kind of people have healthy relationships? And I really started looking at my friends, my family members, anyone could be like a TV character, anyone who I saw that looked like they had a healthy relationship and saying, I'm noting that. That is who I want to be because I want to embody those things. We're talking about comparison. Comparison, can be bad, because if it makes you feel bad about yourself, then it's not good. But if you can channel those positive things and say, that person looks really confident, and I want to be confident. What are they doing that I really want to embody? That's a healthy way of looking at it. On the other side, a victim mindset is saying, when I have enough of XYZ or enough of whatever that thing is, then I'll do the things I've always wanted to do and then I'll be happy and confident. And the problem is that if you don't have yet, you can't get to what you want to have without being the person you want to be. Alternatively, there's another mindset, which is the worker mindset. And that's the people, and I think this is very common. The people who say the more I do, the more I'll have. And the more that I have, the happier I'll be. So that's the do, to have, to be. And if you just keep saying I'm going to do and do and do, you never get to your goal. The idea is going back that you want to be the person you want to be, to do the things you want to do in order to have the life or the relationship or the feelings that you want to have. Happiness will arrive when you're being the person that you want to be. 

Marisa Huston  18:26  
And it's such a simple way of keeping yourself on track. We're all going through a journey. And we're all saying to ourselves, well, if I just keep doing this and getting more of that my life is gonna get better. And the reality is you end up doing the things that don't fulfill you. And then one day you wake up and you're older and your time is running out. Because time is finite in this world. It takes a while for a lot of us to feel that, especially when we're younger. You get to a point where you start to realize how precious it really is. And then you have regrets. You start saying well, I wish I'd spent it more doing this. And you hear that a lot from people. There's no time like the present. You know, like those people who wait until they're 90 years old to finally take that trip. Well by then you're so exhausted, you don't even have the energy to take that trip. Enjoy it now. But at the same time, don't compromise your time and your values for that bigger car or that bigger house or whatever. Because then you get into that hamster wheel of just doing more and working more and enjoying less and really is that giving you fulfillment? 

Emily Garcia  19:31  
Right. That's thinking that you can have the things in order to be the person you want to be. And things don't make us happy. Things can make our lives more comfortable to a certain extent, but they don't make us happy. So we really have to show up in our lives. One of the things that my husband and I do is at the beginning of every year we sit down and we look at the calendar and say, all right, what are the weekends this year that we're committing to block out and go for a weekend trip, whether it's on a plane or camping, and then we block out at least two weeks a year where we take a week long trip. And we love to go internationally and so usually it's an international trip. But actually saying, we are going to block these things out for ourselves. Because otherwise, you're just doing. You're going through life and like, say, 10 years gone by, and I haven't taken a vacation, and I have this big house, and I have this big car and I'm stressed out. I guess I'll do it when I retire. And you hear people who then get to retirement, and that's when they get sick. So not waiting for life. Really living your life, when you're in the moment. 

Marisa Huston  20:29  
To your point, money does give you freedom, it does give you security, it's important. We all need it to live.

Emily Garcia  20:35  
Yes.

Marisa Huston  20:35  
And to live the kind of life that we choose to live. But don't let it take over to the point where you're giving up your soul for it. There's a certain point, when you say, do I exchange 100 hours of my life every week to get what I want, and then wake up one day and say I have all this stuff, but I'm not fulfilled.

Emily Garcia  20:55  
So true, I always come back to my values and my number one value is my family and home and home encompasses family. If there is something that I've been asked to do, and I'm feeling conflicted about it, I will think about what is my number one value? And it is my family. And if it's going to take me away from my immediate family, from my husband and my children, and I'm not going to feel good about it. If it's going to create more anxiety than help in my life, then I will say no, 

Marisa Huston  21:22  
I love what you're saying. Say no. That is a difficult thing. For many of us. It took me a long time to be able to do that. I think it's because you feel like you're letting people down when they ask you to do something, or attend an event or be a part of something that you're just not comfortable doing. And you say no, you feel like you are disappointing somebody else and it's a difficult thing to do. But you have to draw those boundaries. Because if you just say yes, what happens is you end up doing things for the wrong reasons, and you end up bitter. And oftentimes we complain and blame other people, when in reality, it was a choice you made.

Emily Garcia  21:57  
Absolutely. And I've been there, I'm not always good at saying no. It's the people pleaser in me that I'm always like, oh, don't be the people pleaser. Don't do it just because they want you to. I don't want to be resentful and I want to appreciate the people who are asking me to do these things. The irony is that most of us do that in some form, that there's the thing that we're trying to avoid and so we create a bigger issue by actually doing something or not speaking up for ourselves not saying no. When you agree to do something that you don't actually think you should be doing you end up being resentful. And you maybe then don't want to be around the person who asked you or the event comes and you don't want to be there rather than just saying no and feeling good about it. 

Marisa Huston  22:37  
Oh, my goodness. And don't you find Emily that people come up with all kinds of excuses? It's almost like the dog ate my homework kind of thing. All they have to do is tell you the truth. Like for example, I don't like driving at night. So if somebody invites me to an event, and it requires me to drive at night, I simply say I can't make it. I think people appreciate that more. And then they understand now so that maybe they have an event at lunchtime that you can go to then they'll likely invite you to that. If you just keep coming up with makeup excuses, it not only makes you feel bad, but then the person keeps asking and they're like, I don't understand. I've invited them to three events and they refuse to come. Am I doing something wrong? Sometimes that honesty goes a long way. 

Emily Garcia  23:15  
It's true. We're not used to people being honest and saying what they really need. And so when you are honest, people really appreciate it. And honest in a kind way where you're setting your boundaries and having limits on what you're able to do. But just saying that's not something that I'm able to do. For me. I also don't like driving at night, but I go to bed at nine o'clock because I get up at 4:30 in the morning. And so if there's anything that it's ending after 8:30 at night, and I have to get home, I say no, I want to go to bed. 

Marisa Huston  23:42  
Me too. My hours get all messed up, because I'm already like falling asleep and the event just started. And it's like, yeah, it's you're just miserable. And I think that people appreciate that too. Because then they know the kind of person that you are what thing works and vice versa. It's not just you, it's them. If you're open with them, they'll likely be open with you. And you can build authentic relationships rather than this formality of I just have to keep coming up with excuses until they stop asking. 

Emily Garcia  24:08  
Right. 

Marisa Huston  24:09  
I also wanted to ask you about negative thoughts. People have a lot of that. Like they're always putting themselves down or giving themselves reasons as to not to do things. You go on and on about these things as to why you can't do something and it stops us. How do we get past that? 

Emily Garcia  24:25  
That is a wonderful question. The term for it is ANT...It's our automatic negative thoughts. And the idea is that we all have automatic negative thoughts that come up in a situation where it feels negative. What I hear you're discussing is imposter syndrome, thinking I'm not the one who can do a podcast, I'm not good enough or I'm not ready for that. And getting through that means that you just have to take the first step and changing that automatic negative thought of I'm not good enough to I am working on it and I am going to get there and little by little I'm going to get better with each thing I do, It really is reframing the automatic negative thought into something else. Another example is looking at someone on social media, who is doing something really impressive and saying, oh, she's happier than me. I haven't done anything worthwhile, and I'm never going to be happy. Versus I've come so far. So looking back at where you've come from, and saying, look at all I've done, and I'm working on making my life better. I can choose to be happy. And I don't know her whole story. So reminding yourself, that it's just your perspective. And you've come a long ways, and you have a long ways to go. 

Marisa Huston  25:32  
I love that to also say that, who are you to judge yourself? In the sense that maybe you don't like how you sound but other people do. You can't just assume that other people aren't going to benefit. And rather than again, looking at it from your own inner bubble. Here's the question, I asked myself. What will happen if I don't? And that scared me more. 

Emily Garcia  25:53  
When you get to the end of your life, you will never regret the things that you took a chance and did even if it didn't go well. There is a book about people who are in hospice. I think it was written by a social worker who worked in hospice. And when they interviewed people and said, What are your regrets? The only regrets were things that people didn't do, never the things that they did. 

Marisa Huston  26:13  
That's one thing we cannot do, we cannot rewind time and say, I'm going to erase that. It happened. And so I always end every podcast with keep moving forward because I want to help listeners, remember that there's always a chance to do something today and tomorrow, and not worry about what we can't change. So when you're focused on the things that you can control versus the things that you can't, then it creates hope and it gives you encouragement to keep trying new things and get into new adventures and improve yourself in every possible way. 

Emily Garcia  26:48  
My favorite way to do that is think about just 1%. You're not going to make a 100% change, or even a 50% change immediately. But if you want to do something in your life, what is 1% change that you can do to make that thing happen. So let's say that I want to feel more confident, maybe my 1% thing is that I'm going to stand Superwoman style, my hands on my hips, and my legs spread out very firmly on the ground and say to myself, I'm confident, maybe that's my 1% bvefore I do anything. But whatever your 1% change is, that's how you can make a difference for yourself. 

Marisa Huston  27:23  
It's the little things that matter. And the little things lead to big things, Emily. This conversation is proof of that. We need to remind ourselves that we all have something to share, some good to put out in the world, and we just need to go out and do it. How do people learn more about what you do and how do they reach you? 

Emily Garcia  27:43  
I have a group practice in Lakewood, Colorado, and we see people in person and virtually. We work with children as young as four as well as adults. Our website is www.tribemindbody.com. And we are also hosting two upcoming retreats this fall. One is a men's brotherhood retreat, and I have a team of men who I'm hosting it with. And that will be a couple of hours south of Denver from October 13 through the 16th. Tickets are on sale right now through our website. And we are also hosting a women's retreat that will be in Granby, Colorado from September 29 Through October 2, and that's on our website under retreats as well. So those are two great ways to work with us. But if anyone has questions, they can also contact me through the website. 

Marisa Huston  28:25  
Emily, thank you for being here today and sharing with us. 

Emily Garcia  28:29  
Thank you so much. 

Outro  28:31  
That's a wrap for this episode of Live Blissed Out. Thanks to Emily Garcia for joining us, and thanks for listening. If you have a question or comment for a future episode, all you have to do is go to www.speak pipe.com/lbovm or click the link in the show notes to leave a brief audio message. If you find value in our show, please visit www.liveblissedout.com to reach out ,subscribe and share on social media. This show is made possible through listeners like you. Thank you. So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!