139 - Seven Principles To Navigate Fatherhood

In this episode Rick Sykes talks about his journey to shape his sons into productive men and citizens. 

The goal of Rick’s book, Five Smooth Stones, is to be transparent by providing real life stories, situations, struggles and the everyday challenges that black males face. 

After many years of parenting, he has adopted and applied seven principles that will enable young fathers to navigate fatherhood. These seven principles can be summed up in the acronym T.H.R.E.A.D.S. Transparency, Honor, Responsibility, Example, Affirmation, Decision and Serving. 

Although, a large portion of this book is written from Rick’s Christian values and viewpoints, he is confident that this book can help anyone regardless of race, religion, creed, color, or status. 

In addition, this book is not about perfect parenting, but progressive parenting. 

He hopes you will find this information to be a blessing to you and your family.

To learn more visit www.xulonpress.com

 Direct Link:
https://www.xulonpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.php?PB_ISBN=9781498456227

In this episode we cover:

2:26    Five Smooth Stones

4:45    Fatherlessness

6:07    The Church Turned My Life Around

9:34    T.H.R.E.A.D.S.

16:09   Lead By Example

Thanks so much for tuning in again this week. I appreciate you  🙂

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Special thanks to Rick Sykes for being on the show.

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Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Transcript

Did You Know  0:03  
Did you know that the dominant problem facing young black males today is fatherlessness? 

Intro  0:08  
Hello, action taker? Welcome to Live Blissed Out. A podcast where I have inspiration on informational conversations with business owners and subject matter experts to help you get the scoop on a variety of topics. Tired of hesitating or making decisions without having the big picture? Wanna be in the know? Then this is the place to go. I'm your host Marisa Huston. Helping you achieve bliss through awareness and action. So let's get to it. In this episode, Rick Sikes talks about his journey to shape his sons into productive men and citizens. The goal of Rick's book, Five Smooth Stones, is to be transparent by providing real life story situations struggles and the everyday challenges that black males face. After many years of parenting, he's adopted and applied seven principles that will enable young fathers to navigate fatherhood. These seven principles can be summed up in the acronym T.H.R.E.A.D.S, transparency, honor, responsibility, example, affirmation, decision and serving. Although a large portion of this book is written from Rick's Christian values and viewpoints, he's confident that this book can help anyone regardless of race, religion, creed, color, or status. In addition, this book is not about perfect parenting, but progressive parenting. He hopes you will find this information to be a blessing to you and your family. To learn more, visit www.xulonpress.com. That's XULON PRESS .com. 

Ko-Fi  1:37  
If you'd like to support this podcast and engage with our community, become a professional tear member for backstage access and monthly networking opportunities at www.ko-fi.com/liveblissed out. 

Disclaimer  1:52  
The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information only and any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast should not be considered professional advice. 

Marisa Huston  2:04  
Rick, welcome back to the show.

Rick Sykes  2:06  
Thank you, it's good to be welcomed back, and good connecting with you again, on this wonderful day.

Marisa Huston  2:12  
I'm glad to have you back because this is going to be a completely different conversation from the one we had. And I think that it's an important conversation to have, because it's a book that you wrote, I think there's no one better to describe what it's about, than you.

Rick Sykes  2:26  
My book is entitled, Five Smooth Stones. A few years ago, I was attending an event, and this event I actually won a book deal. My name was called and never thought about writing a book. So I'm sitting at the dinner table, and they call the number of the tag that I had and said the first winner's going to win a book deal. So while I'm sitting at the table they call my number and I think I had a potato in my mouth and almost choked on a potato. So I kind of fell into a situation where I had won this opportunity to write a book, it was taken care of financially. And so back in 2016, I was so excited about a book, I have so much in me, I thought about something that would be impactful, something that would be relevant, not just for me, but also to the reader. So I came up with an idea to write about my family more specifically, my wife and I have been married for 34 years, we have six children, five boys and one girl, and my daughter is in the middle. And so I got her permission to write a book about me raising boys. So because it was during the height of a lot of things that were going on in United States with police shootings and things of that nature. So I thought it would be good for me to write a book as it relates to fathers in the home because I grew up without my father. So the Five Smooth Stones actually is a biblical term, on David used five smooth stones to kill Goliath. I wrote it in 2016. But then during a pandemic, I re edited and codifies news down the rebirth and I kind of add in addition to it. And so the book really is centered around my personal life growing up in Detroit, Michigan, during the 80s things are I was into that were illegal, things that I was doing with people in the community, etc. And then it moves into my life being changed as a Christian. I had been growing up in a single parent home.  dedicated a portion of a couple of chapters to my mom, because she protected us from a lot of things. And then I moved right into me meeting my wife and I us having children then it kind of fades to that and segue to me raising five boys.

Marisa Huston  4:19  
Now that's no small feat, raising six children, five boys and a girl. That responsibility is huge for people, whether you're raising one child, much less six. In the book, you talk about the fact that the dominant problem that you feel that is facing young black men in particular is fatherlessness. And so I'd like to ask you why you think that is happening and what can be done about it?

Rick Sykes  4:45  
Well, I think that's a major, major problem. We can get into a lot of political debates, what side, who's doing more for who in terms of Republicans or Democrats. But the bottom line is, is that if you look at various studies, if you look at comments that even former President Barack Obama made. Even when it comes down to Tupak Shakur who was a famous urban rapper, of course he's deceased. But he talked about him not having a father in his life. If he had a father, he would have been more well balanced, further ahead.  Barack Obama talked about fatherless children. The reality is, this is not a political issue. It's a real issue. And I think the core fabric of society, whether city, state, national and global, it boils down to the home. You know, there are a lot of things that we could talk about as to why fathers are not at home, we can go back to welfare reform, or we can go back to a lot of different things. But I think that at the end of the day, when you look at various studies, across the board, it talks about the benefits of having a father in a home. The reality is, everything starts from the home. You know, you can't build a country without having a strong family. So fathers are missing across the board.

Marisa Huston  5:46  
Now children don't get a choice. You don't get to choose who your father is, you don't get to choose the environment you're born into. I think that we could use the word father as essentially a role model of some sort. Because if they don't have a father in the home, then they need to have some sort of individual that they can look up to that can guide them hopefully in the right direction.

Rick Sykes  6:07  
Yes. And that's why when you read the book, the third and fourth chapter really talks about my life growing up in a single parent home, inner city Detroit during the 80s when the crack epidemic was at its highest level in every urban community city across the country. So I grew up in a time where crack was the dominant conversation, gang violence, etc. And I grew up in a single parent home. So my father wasn't around. And you know, he was in and out of penitentiary. A lot of people that I hung around, our fathers went there. You know, so I understand that I feel that I have compassion and sympathy towards individuals that find themselves in situations like myself. This is why it's very important that when you talk about fatherhood, guardianship, you got to talk about mentorship, you got to talk about other things that organizations that will be pinnacles in people's lives that don't have fathers such as myself. And I was very fortunate me getting involved in the church. That is what really turned my life around. I can honestly say it was the black church, small storefront church it wasn't a mega church that really, really, really turned my life around. I dropped out of high school when I was 14 and it was because of those men that were dedicated to their families, dedicated to the community, dedicated to the churches that I now had some type of reference point and connection and then conversation with men that I saw as fathers.

Marisa Huston  7:27  
So the church essentially is the place that exposed you to people that could set you back on track in your life.

Rick Sykes  7:36  
Yes. And in response to that, that is where a lot is missing. Because when I was growing up, we always went to church. And the black church has a history of building families. You look at historical black college, and they were started by churches. So the church always played a role in the lives of people, of communities. And I think that we have gotten away from that, for whatever reason. But yes the church played a major influence. Because I had left the church. I was doing my own thing. But it played a major role. Even while going to church, I still felt empty, because these men, you know, they didn't go home with me at night, or whatever. They were at church. And so only time I saw that was at a church where I picked the core event that was happening. But at my home, it was just me and my brothers and a single parent, so we still had to learn how to navigate life and situations and things of that nature.

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Marisa Huston  9:05  
And the thing I love about your book is that you focus on seven principles with an acronym. And as I was looking at these principles, I realized that these are principles that apply to life in general. Like not just for men, but for everyone to consider and apply to be better people in the world. To be able to be a better individual, as well as a somebody who can contribute to the community. I'm curious as to how you came up with these seven principles.

Rick Sykes  9:34  
Well, I am a pastor. So, the first one would like to say I didn't want the book to be too preachy. I think that a lot of times you really have to come from the help even though I'm a Christian, and everything I'm basing my life on is Christian values and viewpoints. This book is for everybody. I came up with these acronyms through my life journey of raising boys and raising my family. And so I just picked some words out and thought about some words and it became creative. So I came up with the acronym called T.H.R.E.A.D.S. That's how I came up with it. And so I just kind of broke those words down, looked up the words and centered the book around Five Smooth Stones in terms of what it took for me to continue to raise my five boys. Briefly, we started with transparency. I think that raising children, you have to be honest and transparent and real with them. The world, as you know, is different than what it was when I was coming up. We got to be transparent about racism, sexism, political, whatever. And we have to have real conversations with our children about sex, and money and things of that nature. And in that transparency, they have to see empathy. They got to see that I made mistakes and things that I made and how I overcame situation. So it has everything to do with being real, authentic with your children in your life and your wording, how you say it, how you approach things. For example, when we talk about police brutality, or other stuff, I was very transparent with my sons and my daughter as well. Just letting them know. These are real issues. These are real things that guess what you want to get stopped by police, for you don't even know reason why you're getting stopped. But at the end of the day, you still have a responsibility to carry yourself in a way where things won't escalate. So transparency means having real, authentic, passionate conversation. And then we move into honor, respecting reverence. I think that the first reference point of honor that a child has for society, for police officers, for teachers starts in the home. So honor has to do with respecting authority, respecting viewpoints, respecting each other, respecting yourself. So I really, really hit on that and what does that mean? What does respect look like? We talk about respect all the time. You know, the Bible says, Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So I teach my kids even about just honoring teachers, and respecting your elders and respecting your mother and respecting other viewpoints. So, I really drive that home. And then when it gets to responsibility, you know, that covers a wide range of things. Making sure your rooms clean, when it was coming up, making sure that you own up to a responsibility, make sure you honor your word, make sure that you had in your responsibility to school, you do your homework. Because all these things are transmitted to life, society, being on time. Life requires responsibility. And so I really drive that home, about don't make excuses. My son's know I hate excuses. You know, if you fail, just own up to it. People will respect you more when you own up to your thoughts. And so if you have a responsibility to teach them responsibility for the time they are a child, that will begin to transmit it to life, because life centers around the home. And then I go into being an example. A lot of times we preach to our children, we say to them, Do as I say not as I do. No, we have to be an example. We had to be an example to our children, be an example in our conversation. We must be an example on how we live, how we approach them. You can't tell kids don't lie and then tell them to lie for you. That don't make sense to me.

Marisa Huston  12:45  
How can they honor you and respect you, if you're not leading by example?

Rick Sykes  12:50  
Exactly. So be that role model being that example, is very, very key, because it leaves an impression on the children, on your sons or your daughters. That you believe your conviction, you believe in what you stand for, you're willing to die for them. You have certain principles, the values that you live by, and you're willing to be an example in every area of your life. And that's including finances. You know, a lot of time we don't worry about finances till we get older. We make large mistakes. I think the one acronym, the one word it affirmation. This was probably the biggest I mean, this is I literally cry when I look this because every child seeks to be affirmed or confirmed or valued by the person that loves them, their parents or their father. You know, and one of the things that I've learned in my personal life that I was never affirmed. Nobody could tell you, they're proud of you, nobody to say, you know, we did a good job. It was like we were out there on our own, we did things we were very independent. And so children live for a sense of being affirmed, not being taken advantage of, not being abused, not being misused, not being mistreated. Affirmation has everything to do with pushing, valuing, loving, pointing them in the right direction, correcting them as well, when they need correction. Affirmation was big for me, because that is something that I was seeking. So I do that with my children all the time. Even though they grown, I send them a text and I'm proud of you. You know, I'm proud of you, I'm proud of you guys, proud that you finished this project. Bobby, how you doing with your family? So affirmation is very key. And a lot of children are missing that. They don't have anybody to speak into their lives with real authentic love. It's not manipulated, it's not intimidation it's not bullying. Somebody who's really, really concerned about their life, their future, their aspirations. So that affirmation piece was really a key point for me when I was 40. And even over 40, I always wanted somebody to say I'm proud of you. You're doing good. And I never had that. The last two has to do with this decisions and serving. So decisions is basically, let children know that life consists of a series of decisions and I tell my children all the time that whatever decision that you make, there's a consequence or there's reward. So you have to be willing to understand that when you make important decisions don't make the important decisions in a vacuum. Decisions will affect your life. So you have to be skilled enough, you have to surround yourself with the support systems, surround yourself with people that you know, love and care about you. If you want to make a decision or try to make a decision or you between a decision, talk to somebody. Get a group around you where they can ask important questions. Because we know that one decision can affect the trajectory of your life. The last thing is about serving, giving back. Life doesn't center around you and your family. No, you have to be willing to give back to others. You must be willing to sacrifice for others. You must be willing to make a difference in somebody's life. And everything in terms of the acronyms, I try to center my life around being transparent, being honorable, being responsible, being an example, affirming them, making right decisions, and teaching them what it means to serve others.

Marisa Huston  15:44  
And it's so easy to remember because of the acronym. And the acronym itself is so meaningful. I look at it as kind of a roadmap. And it's very, very basic, so that we're not confused when we lose our way or we get distracted by life. You know? Things happen so quickly. We're living life and moving forward and then we forget to kind of take a step back and reflect. It helps guide us and remind us of what is important.

Rick Sykes  16:09  
Yes. Can I tell you that I tried to be an example. Years ago, we had a guy who just come by the house we call him Red Hat. It's in the book. And Red Hat, he lived in with his sister, but he's come down to the house and they get returnable bottles from our house. And so one day, he came on Thanksgiving Day. My house was jam packed. We had family and friends over at the house. And it was a real small house and we just was enjoying ourselves. And Red Hat knocked on my door. He came at a time looking for bottles. I didn't really have any bottles, myself. I was busy with family and friends. And I told him come back tomorrow. Well, he walked off the porch, and he was headed back down to the street and something and said invite him in to eat with your family.which your family. So, I ran down the street and I said, listen, park your car, come back to the house and I want you to come and join my family on Thanksgiving. So he came in the house, he washed his hands and my wife fixes him this great plate. And he was crying at the table sitting at the dinner table, my seat with my family. And he was crying, I felt good because I share with my son and my family, that life doesn't center around you. We can sit here we can enjoy Thanksgiving turkey, the dressing, the cranberry sauce the potato sauce, whatever. But, the fact that we took the time out to invite somebody in the house that was in the cold, nose running to join a family dinner with my family, that made my day and my wife, my sons my daughter, my family all saw that. And he enjoyed it. So these things have to do with just really being an example to them, to your family to your children about what it means to be a whole person. So, the Five Smooth Stones has everything to do me still shaping them into these young men, and I'm still parenting. My older son is 33, so I'm still parenting. 

Marisa Huston  17:48  
That's forever, right? 

Rick Sykes  17:49  
Yes, ever. So I'm still shaping them, we're still going through a lot of things. I have two sons that are married and I'm trying to coach them on what they need to do, right, and correction and whatever. That's pretty much what the book is really all about.

Marisa Huston  18:01  
And the example you just shared, has to have the elements which is example and serving. You set the example for your family when you invited him into your home. But, you also reminded them that it's not just about you and being grateful but it's also about sharing with other people. People give us all this information that's so complicated, we can't keep up with it, we don't understand it. And the way you set it up, it just simplifies everything and reminds us that there are steps that we can take to be better humans. I do believe Rick, that we are evolving every day. We're trying to be better versions of ourselves. Maybe we don't in some areas, but we improve in others. But at the end of the day, we're always growing and moving forward. I would love it if you could share with our listeners how they can get a hold of your book and learn more about you and your family.

Rick Sykes  18:47  
Thank you very much Marisa for this opportunity. I wanted to book to be an easy read. I could have made it two hundred pages. But the benefit of this book, and people are reading it, because I'm a school teacher. I'm a special education provider and we've been given the books out. And the kids love it because it's 120 pages, or whatever. But it's like easy to read. It flows. So, I purposely made it an easy read where a child in the fourth, fifth grade can pick it up and read it. A 12th grader can pick it up and read it. And so we have made it an easy read. I do have a newsletter. You can go to Xulon Press and you can put in Five Smooth Stones. Or you can Google it and it'll come right up.

Marisa Huston  19:22  
and I will be sure to put a link in the show notes so people can go in there and click on it and get to the link that you provide.

Rick Sykes  19:30  
You put Five Smooth Stones, and you could put the rebirth. Everything will come up at Xulon Press. If you purchase directly from Xulon, that benefits us. What we try to do, we gave out close to 100 books to schools here in Detroit and we're looking for people to kind of support us so we can get out these books free. We've been signed them.  It's not preachy, whatever. We're not indoctrinated them. A lot of kids, actually my son is a fifth grade teacher, and they've done a book report on a book. And the thing about it Marisa is kinda hitting home surreal. Because my son, he gave maybe about 30 books. He said dad, I gave one book to a couple of students and they were almost in tears, because this is the first time that these kids ever saw a author that they know, like their faces on the book. So I said, son, they see your face on a book, this is the first time they get an opportunity to connect with a real author. Even though I wrote the book, I said, the fact that your name is in the book, the fact that your pictures on the book, you have now become valuable in these kids eyes, because now they see that you're a real person like them. But not only that, first time they've ever seen an author.

Marisa Huston  20:37  
That that's why I truly believe that we all have something to share and something to give to help others. And I'm just so glad that you took the time to write this book. A lot of us want to write a book, we have something to give. You know, it's cost prohibitive, or we don't even know what the process is. You're just so fortunate that you had that opportunity and you took advantage of it. Because some people would probably get it and say okay, yeah, some day. But you actually did something with it and came up with something that you can share with people that they may not have heard before that might help them with their lives. Rick, I'm so glad you were able to come back on the show and share this with us.

Rick Sykes  21:12  
Well, Marisa, I really, really from the bottom of my heart. Really appreciate you for just taking time opportunity to allow me to be on your show today.

Marisa Huston  21:20  
Rick, I appreciate you too. Thank you for being here. 

Outro  21:23  
That's a wrap for this episode of Live Blissed Out. Thanks to Rick Sykes for joining us and thanks for listening. If you have a question or comment for a future episode, all you have to do is go to www.speakpipe.com/lbovm or click the link in the show notes to leave a brief audio message. If you find value in our show, please visit www.liveblissedout.com to reach out, subscribe and share on social media. This show is made possible through listeners like you. Thank you. So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!