142 - A Journey from Fearing Trust to Trusting Fear

In this episode Janine Valentine shares how to notice the ways in which Fear keeps us small, holding us back from being our fully expressed true selves.

Janine is author of Both Things Are True: A Journey from Fearing Trust to Trusting Fear.

The vacation of a lifetime ended abruptly with a positive test for COVID-19. Janine was whisked off her luxury dive boat in the Maldives, ordered into isolation, and left to fend for herself, terrified and alone. 

Janine expresses these perspectives and insights through her deeply relatable writing. She believes that by vulnerably sharing our personal journeys we light a path inviting others to also engage with their fears, release constraints, and find genuine community.

To learn more visit https://www.janinevalentine.com/

In this episode we cover:

1:55       A Harrowing Experience

4:09       Pity Party

8:24       Meditation

12:24     Pivotal Moment

17:08     Fear Mongering

22:03     We've Lost Wonder

24:29     Bravery

Thanks so much for tuning in again this week. I appreciate you  🙂

Have some feedback you’d like to share? Leave a note in the Feedback section.

Special thanks to Janine Valentine for being on the show.

If you have a question or comment for a future episode, visit https://www.speakpipe.com/lbovm.

Also, don’t forget to Subscribe for FREE: Apple Podcasts

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

Support the show

Affiliates & Sponsors

So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!

PODCAST SPONSOR:

Are you searching for a trusted merchant service provider for your business?

SG Associates, LLC
Your Partner For Quality Payment & Merchant Service Solutions

SG Associates, LLC
Your Partner For Quality Payment & Merchant Service Solutions

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

• www.liveblissedout.com
• www.secondspindle.com

Transcript

Did You Know  0:02  
Did you know that we experience fear as a result of what we think might occur? According to some neuroscientists, humans are the most frightened animals in the world. 

Intro  0:13  
Hello, action taker. Welcome to Live Blissed Out. A podcast where I have inspiration on informational conversations with business owners and subject matter experts to help you get the scoop on a variety of topics. Tired of hesitating or making decisions without having the big picture? Wanna be in the know? Then this is the place to go. I'm your host Marisa Huston. Helping you achieve bliss through awareness and action. So let's get to it. In this episode, Janine Valentine shares how to notice the ways in which fear keeps us small, holding us back from being our fully expressed true selves. Janine is author of Both Things Are True: A Journey From Fearing Trust To Trusting Fear. The vacation of a lifetime ended abruptly with a positive test for COVID 19. Janine was whisked off her luxury dive boat in the Maldives, ordered into isolation and left to fend for herself terrified and alone. Janine expresses her perspectives and insights through her deeply relatable writing. She believes that by vulnerably, sharing our personal journeys, we light a path inviting others to also engage with their fears, release constraints and find genuine community. To learn more, visit www.janinevalentine.com. 

Disclaimer  1:27  
The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information only and any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast should not be considered professional advice. 

Marisa Huston  1:38  
Janine, welcome to the show.

Janine Valentine  1:40  
Thank you. It's so good to be here.

Marisa Huston  1:43  
It's great for you to be here with us. I am excited to have this conversation. Can you explain to our listeners what we're going to be talking about and how we might be able to help them?

Janine Valentine  1:55  
Sure. What I'm focusing on right now, and have been apparently for years in my life is the ways in which fear keeps us small keeps us from really fully expressing ourselves being ourselves, and how we give fear all this power, and ways that we can learn to take that back. I've recently had an experience that just really magnified this for me, I was on a vacation in the Maldives with a group of friends. Last September 2021, we're still in the pandemic, obviously, the vaccine was out and travel was starting to happen again. But we were still required to take the PCR COVID test to travel both directions. And so I tested positive, we took our tests on the boat we were on in the Maldives in order to travel home, and I was the only one of my friends that did. So I was taken off the boat and put into quarantine. And the government there required a 14 day quarantine even if I were able to test negative sooner, I had to stay 14 days. But the government's did not have a plan in place for my care. So I had to source my own shelter, food, water, they did not accept American cash unless it was in pristine condition and that most places would not take my credit card. So I had very little money to source myself. So it ended up being understandably terrifying experience for me as my friends all left.

Marisa Huston  3:20  
I can't imagine. I mean, that's like you're stripped of everything. And now you've got to figure out what do I do?

Janine Valentine  3:25  
Right and you're sick, and you're not supposed to leave your room. And so I mean, I found a place to say and slowly sourced myself I had to break quarantine and walk to a little market to buy whatever food and water I could get. And I didn't have any way to prepare anything. So I just used poptop tuna cans and a jar of peanut butter, things like that. And I had four bottles of water. And then I got back to my room where I was sick for five days and had to ration my food and water. I wasn't strong enough to leave the room to go get more. So I ended up writing a book about this. I mean, that was survival right those first few days. 

Marisa Huston  4:03  
I was just gonna say, isn't that like your own version of survival?

Janine Valentine  4:09  
I was only focused on survival. And I was honestly throwing myself a pretty good pity party. I was crying a lot. And I have never felt so alone in my life. And something about being that alone was the thing that scared me the most it was like I would have been more comforted if someone could have stayed with me. And so I suddenly had this realization that I didn't trust myself. I trusted other people more than I trusted myself. And that has a long history in my life. I mean, I had 14 days that I was supposed to be quarantined, but the area I was on was untouristed. It had to be because I couldn't say any word that was touristy because they would have required me to prove I didn't have COVID. So I was across this street from a little local beach only the locals went to. And this was an Islamic country and the women wore full burkas, and it was hot. So I had noticed from my window that none of the locals went to the beach until the evening. And so I started breaking my quarantine and walking across to that little beach for my mental health. I didn't have a lot of energy, I just sat on this little log that I found. But it was good to have my toes in the sand and to just think about things

Marisa Huston  5:27  
Janine, did you have any one at all to talk to or were you completely isolated?

Janine Valentine  5:31  
Yes to both of those. So it was an 11 hour time difference from home, which is in Colorado, for me and the Maldives. So when I was awake, everyone, I knew back home was asleep. But I did have these little slivers of time early in the morning, and later in the evening, when we might be able to connect. Now I only could connect through WhatsApp. My mobile carrier, even with an add on fee did not have coverage in the Maldives. So I was using that WhatsApp international app, but you can make phone calls through it, or text through it. And so anybody who had WhatsApp had contact with me. But that was all I had was just this early morning or late evening time. So during the bulk of the day, when I was struggling to make things work, when I was having to make decisions, when I was feeling scared or alone, there was no one to talk to you, I was completely alone. And no one there knew I was sick. They couldn't. They wouldn't have allowed me to stay where I was. So, there just were added concerns. If I really need help, I'd have to either break my cover, you know, to get the help and then be kicked out of here. Or what if I can't get to help. I was 52 stairs up the spiral staircase, the room that I had, and my room found the little hotel old school phone didn't work. So I knew I had to like make it all the way down those stairs to get my own medical assistance if I needed it. That's the first five days. And then as I got well enough to do the stairs, I took a second trip to the market. I started sourcing myself in different ways. But I was quarantined. So I was trying not to interact with people. I was trying not to you know, have conversations with anyone.

Marisa Huston  7:13  
You were just focused on what was necessary. 

Janine Valentine  7:15  
Yes, exactly. When you go internal, you only have yourself to talk to and think things through it.

Marisa Huston  7:23  
And 14 days may not seem like a lot of time. But when you were in that situation, it seems like forever.

Janine Valentine  7:29  
Yeah. And it was even hard to just like numb out, right? All of the things we use to numb ourselves were gone for me. I mean, I had TV, but it was subtitled. It was TV from India. So yeah, I just was in my head. And I wrote a lot, I journaled a lot. I write poetry. So I worked on some poems. But, mostly I was in my head and just really had all this time to start asking questions like, why am I scared? Why am I not trusting myself? You know, just all of those things and really kind of hash some things out, some really big stuff.

Marisa Huston  8:02  
Yeah, it was almost like forced meditation. Meditation really, in its essence is reflection. Being able to listen to yourself, think about things, and just really focus on that inner voice in your head that's always playing, you know, and calm it down, and be able to see things that a lot of us don't really take the time to see, because we're so busy with our day to day.

Janine Valentine  8:24  
Yes, that is so well said. In fact, I actually wrote about that while I was there, about it feeling like my days were one long meditation after another because it was also a practice of staying present. For me, it was very hard to stay present when you don't like what's happening. But the thing is, is what I started to notice is that my fear was way worse when I thought about what had just happened to me, what I just experienced, whether it was a day ago or an hour ago. Or, if I started thinking into the future, even an hour from now, or what if I don't test negative on day 13 and I don't get to go home? What if I can't get enough food? All those things that weren't even actually happening yet. Those make you more afraid too so, what I recognize is that if I can just be right here in this exact moment, I'm okay. I'm actually sitting on an extraordinarily beautiful beach, my symptoms are abating and I have found food and water. It was a good practice for me to just really be present. And then that started getting me present to what I was actually feeling which I think we tend to avoid.

Marisa Huston  9:34  
Yeah. And you were just describing what happens to a lot of us, is we anticipate what will happen. And we create this visualization in our head of what if or this is going to happen if I do this. You don't know that that's what's going to happen, right? But you just create the scenario and then you're so convinced of it, and it stops you and it creates more fear. And then when you actually get through it and it doesn't happen you're like, I can't believe I stressed out over that thing that never really was. It was all in my head.

Janine Valentine  10:04  
I think we're just trying to be prepared for all the what ifs, but it's impossible. And when you're in especially traumatic experience like this particular one was, you don't have the energy to direct it in all those different places and do your problem solving way too much. I think it's good for us. I'm actually really grateful that this happened to me even though it was one of the hardest things I've ever been through just because it did help me learn to just center in, focus on what's really happening now, allow myself to just feel what I'm feeling and find compassion for myself in that and look for what's for me in it. What am I learning from this? What are the gifts inside of the fear?

Second Spindle  10:46  
Are you looking for that one of a kind, personalized gift that can't be bought at an online or physical store? Second Spindle is a small business in Colorado specializing in wood artisanship. Our goal is to help you deepen relationships through handcrafted gifts and keepsakes that go against the grain. We'd like to put a smile on the faces of your friends, family and clients with gifts that are well thought out and truly unique. We'll listen, bring your ideas to life and work within your budget to create a memorable gift or keepsake that you'll be proud to display and share. To learn more visit www.second spindle.com. 

Marisa Huston  11:21  
Yeah, and if we didn't go through struggles, which is what you went through, then you can't really better yourself. Because you appreciate things more and you're able to develop yourself more through those struggles. And so, whenever we're faced with that, it's hard to accept it at the moment. We're in the moment and we're saying, why is this happening to me? And you're dealing with a lot of emotions. But once you step back, like you did, and you were able to look at it, now you can say, I'm so glad because I wouldn't be who I am, I wouldn't have written this book, I wouldn't have learned the lessons that I learned had I not experienced it.

Janine Valentine  11:57  
Exactly. And I think if we all look back, we can see that it was those points of things that were really challenging, really hard to get through, traumatic, really disruptive. Those are the moments that were usually turning points for us. There were changes that were made. And ultimately, they were good. Maybe the thing wasn't good but the outcome.

Marisa Huston  12:19  
Let's go back to that scenario where you're sitting on that log in the beach. What's going through your mind?

Janine Valentine  12:24  
Well, I've had a lot of long conversations with the sea there. But I had a pivotal moment. And that's what I wanted to share with you and your listeners is that, I looked down the beach one day, and I was about halfway through my quarantine. This was on day eight. And I noticed that group of women were swimming in the ocean just down the beach. And I had mentioned that the women there wear the full burkas, the gloves, everything and they all still had all of that on in the ocean. I couldn't tell if they were taking a swimming lesson or just enjoying the sea together. But they were just a group of women in community laughing and kicking around in the ocean. It was so beautiful to watch. What I noticed that really struck me was that they all held onto one of those foam swim noodles, while they were out there. And they weren't even really in deep water. There was a barrier reef there. And so it was calm on the front side, the beach side of that. But they had those foam noodles, every single one of them even in the very shallow water. And I recognize that I'm assuming it's because of the weight of the fabric. I mean, they have layers of fabric. I would think without the foam noodle that they would be at risk for sinking or really being pulled down almost like you're wearing an anchor. And I had an immediate metaphor for that. I just looked at them and I identified with them. I was like oh my gosh, I am also wearing layer upon layer of saturated fabric that's covering the true me. It's all the things. The expectations of other people, or my belief of people's expectations, the things that we do to be accepted or to be more like the other people around us and make ourselves not stand out, to be more anonymous or homogenous and to fit in. I think we all put on these layers. And we're at risk of drowning without an identity, not ever really expressing who we are. In that moment. I imagined being out there with them in the ocean. And I imagined that I had the courage to drop my clothing and allow the fabric to just float down to the bottom. And what I became aware of feeling was it's a lot of contradictory feelings, but I felt vulnerable. I felt exposed. I felt smaller, but I also felt brilliant. I felt free. It just was this extraordinary moment where I was like, okay, so it's both of those things. It's all of those things. And that's what being our true selves and moving through the fear and just letting go, and being who we really are, and allowing others to see that, it is all those things. It makes us feel scared and vulnerable, and small in some ways, but it also provides freedom and buoyancy and joy. That was a big turning point.

Marisa Huston  15:28  
And I was thinking, as you were saying that, you know, you're talking about the pool noodle. And that stands out for me, because as human beings, we're always thinking of ways to solve problems. And in the metaphor that you shared these women figured out, we can't just go out there with all our clothing and expect everything to go smoothly. We're fighting against water. And so how do we solve for that? So they came up with the pool noodle? And that seemed to be working based on what you're sharing. So the question that we have to ask ourselves is, what's our pool noodle? What are we gonna use to help us get through that fear and the things that are stopping us from making the choices that are going to fulfill us?

Janine Valentine  16:11  
Yes, I'm loving that. What's our pool noodle? That's beautiful. Yes!

Marisa Huston  16:16  
You're in a situation and you know that there's going to be some struggles? What tools do you use? And in this scenario, to me, it was the pool noodle. And they collectively used it as something not only to help them, and they were probably having fun with it, too.

Janine Valentine  16:30  
They were. Yes, yeah. Way to make it work for you. Absolutely.

Marisa Huston  16:34  
We all have those fears and struggles. We all have either limitations that are put in front of us, struggles that we have to go through, barriers, whatever that is. There's so many things that we are faced with that we don't choose. Sometimes it's even imposed on ourselves. Maybe you don't like the sound of your own voice, but somebody else does. And you impose it on yourself and you say, Well, I don't sound great, but somebody else thinks it's wonderful. And so that's really you. How do we overcome the things that are stopping us from moving ahead, particularly when it relates to fear?

Janine Valentine  17:08  
You hit the nail on the head there with fear. Sometimes we can choose to do the things that scare us. And there are times when we don't have a choice, when we're just thrust into an experience that is scary, and hard. But, I think in either scenario, awareness, and really, what I learned was listening to the fear. I liken fear to a toddler. It kind of enters the room throwing a temper tantrum. It's irrational, you cannot just calm it down. Fear will be heard. It needs to be heard. And the problem is that most of us just take it as truth. It's like something we listen to, I think more than we should. It certainly serves a purpose. There are times when our fear saves our lives. We need to use our judgment. But that's where we have to kind of parent our fear. And we need to just take a moment and listen. I just started having these conversations like What are you saying that's true? And what are you saying that is an exaggeration? Fear is fear mongering. So I think if we can kind of start to separate that out a little bit, and be like, Okay, well, thank you, fear, for pointing this out to me but this is what's happening right now and what's underneath that, for me? Is there a benefit to me to choose to work with my fear and to work through my fear and see what's on the other side? I'll give a small example even. Like when I first started my business, I did not charge enough for my services at first. And I was afraid to raise my rates. Because I was afraid I would lose clients. And it was an irrational fear. But we all want to be liked and chosen. And that's at the bottom of that, right? You're like, oh, gosh, what if they don't value me at that rate? What if I'm not worth it to them? We make that mean so many other things. And I finally recognized that I needed to raise my rates, or I wasn't going to be able to stay in business, I would be working way too hard for not enough to quite survive.

Marisa Huston  19:06  
And if you're not charging and you can't survive, you're not going to be around to help anyone else.

Janine Valentine  19:10  
Exactly. And so I decided that my people would value me and if I lost them, then they weren't meant to be my clients. And that's easy to say in theory, but you know, I was single, I didn't have any other income coming in. It's a scary choice. I was nauseous, I felt like it was so so hard to make those phone calls, but not one client dropped me. And it really was amazing to get to the other side of that and realize, okay, I can stop telling myself this story. I mean, I am actually good at what I do and people find value in me. I mean, that's just a small example of working through fear and just making the choice. But if I had not, I would have been holding myself back. I could have lost the business that I had started or I would not have been enjoying my quality of life. I would have been working have really long hours because I wouldn't have to take a lot more clients to make ends meet.

SG Associates LLC  20:04  
Are you searching for a trusted merchant service provider for your business? SG Associates, LLC is your partner for quality payment and merchant service solutions. With over 15 years of experience in credit card processing, SG Associates offers merchants the best pricing, products and customer service available from a payment and solution service provider. Their number one goal is to save their merchants as much as possible on their credit card processing fees. To learn how they can help you call 1-800-455-5211 or visit www.sg-associatesllc.com. 

Marisa Huston  20:41  
Yeah, and sometimes it's just not only telling yourself what you want. Let's say that you were taking jobs that were not within the range that you needed to be charging for, you could say to yourself, well, this is like a paid internship. I'm just getting my feet wet. I'm allowing a certain number of clients to come in to do just that. But then there comes a point when you say, I can't keep doing this. So, what are those expectations? How are you going to then transition so that you can start charging what you want to charge? It's not a loss either way, because we all have to start somewhere. But, to put yourself in a situation where now you're feeling bad to charge what you're worth, is not going to help you or your clients.

Janine Valentine  21:20  
Right? And that's allowing fear to keep us small. 

Marisa Huston  21:23  
Yeah.

Janine Valentine  21:23  
You know, my business was able to grow and become something bigger, and I was able to grow and become something bigger, as a result of just leaning in and trusting my intuition that this was the right way to charge now.

Marisa Huston  21:35  
You allowed yourself to calm your emotions. You honor your emotions, but you don't let them take over. And the way it seems like you've done that is by asking questions, by analyzing, by really reflecting. And I think those are skill sets that we have to incorporate in our lives, because without it, then we tend to spiral into that emotional aspect of what fear does. And then we're never able to move ahead.

Janine Valentine  22:03  
I don't recall where but I read somewhere that we've lost wonder, we've stopped wondering. And so I actually started incorporating that practice. This has been since I got home from quarantine, this is a newer thing. But, that kind of factors in here. It's like if you could just say to yourself, I wonder, and then whatever. It could just be anything in front of you. I wonder why this tree started changing colors so much sooner than these other three trees, right? 

Marisa Huston  22:26  
Yeah.

Janine Valentine  22:27  
It could just be really basic, but you can also tie it to yourself. I wonder why I've been avoiding making that decision?

Marisa Huston  22:34  
Really digging deep into it and asking those questions. Because if you get to the root of it, and you realize what's stopping you, now you have something to work with. Because you're acknowledging it correct? 

Janine Valentine  22:44  
Yes. It's so good. 

Marisa Huston  22:46  
Yeah, that is so good. It really is freeing. And it was one of the reasons why I started the podcast. And we talk about this all the time, awareness, getting through fear and taking action, but not through influence through awareness. It's a matter of you really knowing where are you? Your situation is different from mine and everyone else. So, you have to reflect within yourself to see what you want, what situation you're in, and do it as rationally as you can and ask those questions. Then you can start to map out, what journey do I want to take?

Janine Valentine  23:19  
Right. And you mentioned, like what you want, I don't want to say just women, but I do think predominantly women are afraid to admit what we want sometimes. So we don't advocate for ourselves. And that's even a fear. Like there's a fear about how to get what we want. But there's also the fear of just admitting that I am not happy with this and this isn't what I would choose. I want it to be different. That can be hard for us to even admit to ourselves, sometimes. You know, we've lost ourselves somewhere.

Marisa Huston  23:47  
We always think we're alone. Like we're the only one going through it, or I don't want to tell anyone else, or let's go back to fear. Because what are they going to say they're going to think I'm whining, or they're going to judge. We're anticipating things that have never happened. We just have it in our head that that's what's going to happen. Personally, I've done a better job in my life of reaching out to people and asking for help or asking for a different perspective. That grounds me to because it makes me realize I'm not only not alone, but oftentimes when I talk to people about the subject matters, they'll say, I'm so glad you brought that up, because I've never shared it with anyone and I'm going through the same thing. Opening up to having that conversation, Janine, it makes all the difference.

Janine Valentine  24:29  
It does. It does require bravery. Someone has to go first, right? I actually think about that a lot. I'm really blessed to have an incredible tribe of women around me of family and friends that I've just, like genuinely close with and we do talk about all those things. And sometimes I forget that there are so many women that don't have that. I'm coming into contact with a lot more women as as a result of this who are reading this book and reaching out like oh my gosh, like thank you for sharing this just what you said right? And I just keep thinking about, like those feminine qualities where we form community, where we have vulnerability and receptivity and we share. I think we fell away from that in the last couple of generations where we don't gather the way we used to, we don't share what we used to. And I think we're all protective of our images and how we're perceived. And so we're not being as real and as raw with each other. And I'm just so glad you brought that up. Because that was actually my biggest hurdle and motivator in putting the book out. Because I ended up using 100% of my raw journal, writing from while I was there. I'm telling you all the beautiful things that came out of this, but it was freaking ugly for a while. Like, there was some stuff in there that I'm ashamed of, there were things that I feel like I was crying too much, I was complaining, I was scared of things that maybe don't scare other people. And there just was some real messiness that happened. But, I looked at it and I was like, it's necessary. I can't tell this story without sharing the whole roller coaster ride. Because if you don't see what I came through, then what I came to, doesn't make as much sense. And I just think it's so empowering and important for us, as humanity to start talking more honestly, about the hard stuff. Because it's so common, it is common ground, and we're encouraging others and we allow ourselves to be encouraged too when we do that.

Marisa Huston  26:33  
People need to hear it. And the thing is, when a person like you takes the time to share your story and write this book, it puts that person who is experiencing very similar things in a place where they're like, Wow, this is okay. I mean, she went through it and came through the other side, and survived it. I can too. And I'm not alone. And it's that message that we all need to hear. What is the title of this book and how do people get a hold of it? 

Janine Valentine  27:00  
It is called Both Things Are True: A Journey From Fearing Trust To Trusting Fear. And it is available on Amazon. It's in paperback and Kindle. So you can just search the book title, Both Things Are True, and it will pop right up and you can get either of those. I'm actively recording the audible version, but I don't know when that will come out.

Marisa Huston  27:19  
Are you recording it yourself, Janine?

Janine Valentine  27:21  
I am. I feel really strongly it needed to be me. And I had to delay it a little because I'm still very emotional when I read the story. But I've been encouraged by people who have heard me do live readings that the emotion is relatable. And it's important. It's an important part of the story. Yeah, so I'm doing it but it's slow work for me because it's draining.

Marisa Huston  27:40  
I can't wait. I'm a big Audible person. 

Janine Valentine  27:44  
Sure. 

Marisa Huston  27:44  
As you can see, I love podcasting. So, I like listening. And so it's wonderful because I get to do things and put my headset on and then just listen. I'm definitely going to get my copy. Thank you so much Janine for being here and sharing this with us.

Janine Valentine  27:59  
Oh, my gosh, it's my pleasure. Thank you so much. I love just chatting with you.

Marisa Huston  28:04  
Same here. 

Janine Valentine  28:04  
Such good, deep things come from our conversations. 

Marisa Huston  28:07  
I know. It's great. I appreciate it, Janine. 

Janine Valentine  28:10  
Oh, thank you, Marisa.

Unknown Speaker  28:12  
That's a wrap for this episode of Live Blissed Out. Thanks to Janine Valentine, for joining us and thanks for listening. If you have a question or comment for a future episode, all you have to do is go to www.speakpipe.com/lbovm or click the link in the show notes to leave a brief audio message. If you find value in our show please visit www.liveblissedout.com to reach out, subscribe and share on social media. This show is made possible through listeners like you. Thank you. So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!