The Critical Impact of Fathers: Dr. Meg Meeker on Why Dads Matter More Than They Know

In this episode of the L3 Leadership Podcast, Doug Smith interviews Dr. Meg Meeker, a pediatrician and author who focuses on the critical role of fathers in parenting. 

Dr. Meeker discusses the impact of fatherhood on children's mental health, the challenges fathers face, and the importance of strong father-child relationships. She offers practical advice for parents, including how to handle discipline, talk to kids about sex, and maintain connections after divorce. The conversation also covers healing father-child relationships and raising confident, well-adjusted children.

00:00 Introduction and Background
00:53 The Importance of Dads
01:28 Challenges and Cultural Shifts
02:24 NFL and Fatherhood
08:08 Encouragement for Single Fathers
11:03 Healing from Past Wounds
16:41 Reconciliation and Apologies
21:13 Coaching and Resources for Dads
22:18 Understanding Kids' Needs from Dads
23:35 Forming Strong Attachments in Early Childhood
27:34 Effective Discipline and Boundaries
30:27 Talking to Kids About Sexuality
34:59 Parenting Beyond Childhood
37:12 Raising Confident Kids
40:53 Final Thoughts and Encouragement for Dads

The L3 Leadership Podcast is sponsored by Andocia Marketing Solutions. Andocia exists to bring leaders' visions to life. Visit https://andocia.com to learn more.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's up, leader, and welcome to another episode of the L three Leadership Podcast, where we are obsessed with helping you grow to your maximum potential and to maximize the impact of your leadership. My name is Doug Smith, and I'm your host, and we recorded this episode from our Virgo Realty Studios. If you're new to the podcast, welcome, I'm so glad that you're here, and I hope that you'll enjoy our content and become a subscriber so you can tune in every week, and if you've been listening to us for a while , it would mean the world to me if you'd leave us a rating. I review , if that helps us to grow our audience. So thank you in advance for that. In this week's episode, you're gonna hear my conversation with Dr. Meg Meer, who I first heard about through her amazing book called Strong Father Strong Daughters, which I'd highly recommend if you're a dad with daughters. Um, but she is an incredible, she is a go-to resource for families, and that's exactly what we talk about in the episode. We talk about all things family, and you're gonna love this episode. And again, if you're not following Dr. Meeker's work, please do. And , uh, you're gonna love this episode. But before we dive in, here's a word from our sponsor and Dosha Marketing Solutions

Speaker 2: 0:54

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Speaker 1: 1:54

And with all that said, let's dive right in. Here's my conversation with Dr. Meg Meer . Dr. Meg Meer . You've been on my bucket list to interview, literally for probably a decade, so I'm so glad that this , uh, is finally happening. So much I want to cover today on parenting and, and really focusing in on dads. Um, but I really , I just wanna start by asking you, you've given your life to investing in parents and specifically investing in dads. Like, why do you feel like that was so important that you wanna give your life to it?

Speaker 3: 2:24

You know, when I came outta my residency , um, I knew I wanted to take care of kids. And I learned very early on, within the first five years, if I wanted to take care of kids, I had to help their parents because parents are it for kids, you know, I can tell kids what to do and I can tell kids how to do this, but parents are really have all the power. It isn't teachers, it isn't coaches, it isn't even peers, it's parents. So then I began to invest in parents, and then as my practice went along, I saw that the kids whose dads came in periodically with them on visits did much better as far as getting over depression, anxiety, eating disorders. And I was intrigued by that. So I started researching on the impact of dads on their kids. And one of the things that disturbed me is there's a lot more research on moms and kids, but on dads and kids, there's, there's, you know, it's probably five to one. And I thought, wait a minute. You know, dads have this incredible power and they don't know it. Then our culture started to bash dads and to marginalized dads, Homer Simpson, you know, Adam Sandler, find a great dad on tv. It's kind of hard. And so I , I saw disconnect. I thought, wait a minute, you know, dads are incredibly important. I'm seeing it. And yet dads are being told through media and wherever that they're really not, that it's all about mom. So I need to learn about dads. I need to tell dads what their kids are saying about them, and then I need to communicate that. And so it's really been , um, once I started forward, there was no going back because dad's responses have been quite positive because I've really tried to just open their kids' hearts to them and their minds and dads respond beautifully. So it's really where I landed, you know, it's , it's really where I landed probably seven years ago or so, somebody from the NFL office called my , um, my assistant and said, we want you to work off the NFL. And I said, no, they have the wrong person. <laugh> . You have a middle-aged grandmother here, it's not gonna work. And he said , okay. So about six months later, they called again. I said, okay, I'll meet with 'em . Very interestingly, these men , um, really wanted to know how to communicate to their kids, because many of them didn't have dads growing up. And I said, okay, well, I'm not a dad, but I can tell you what kids tell me they want from their dads. And so once I told them that, it's like a light bulb went off. Wow . And interestingly enough, because many grow up in a matriarchal culture, I became a surrogate , um, matriarch. I, I, I was a generation ahead of them, and so they would listen and absorb, but they literally said, we have all this expertise and power on the field. We get paid millions of dollars to do we know well, and then we go home and we don't have a clue what to do. Wow. And so that's where I came in, and that's when the whole father thing just began to take shape. And so I talked to fathers, I'll talk to any dad anywhere, anytime . So I just love it. Plus there's nobody, I don't know any other woman out there doing it. And I thought, ladies, where are you? You know, why aren't you encouraging men? And I think it is because you almost feel that if you're going to champion women, you can't champion men. Hmm . It's an either or , which is ridiculous, but that's kind of where we've come to.

Speaker 1: 6:03

Yeah. I heard someone tell me once, you know, well, one nationally, there's a local conference here put on by a nonprofit called Man Up , and it's encouraging men to be better dads. And if you're be a great dad to your kids, be a great dad to other kids , uh, and so on and so forth. And they just highlight the, the epidemic of fatherlessness in our nation Yep . And the statistics that go to that. I'd be curious, just what's your insight into that and, and how can we really put a dent in that issue?

Speaker 3: 6:28

Yeah, I think that's a great question. And I think that we've arrived here from , um, a lot of different , um, factors at work at once. I , uh, was in the heart of the women's lib movement in the 1970s. And at that point we didn't have as much fatherlessness. And, and I'm not, I'm not blaming it all on feminism. However, women were taught through messages that went out to our culture, men and women alike. We got it. You know? Um , at first we can be better than you at your careers, and then we can be better at you and your careers and parenting. Oh, and now guess what? We don't even really need you. We have this surge of women, particularly in Hollywood, who are having babies by themselves because they wanna be mothers. Well , what a horrible thing to do to a child. Wow. So we have the , we have the cultural messages to Dad, just step aside, we really don't need you. We have women, we have messages from strong-willed women to say, you know what? I got this. I even found myself in my own home communicating to my husband. Not overtly, but you know what? You don't really know how to talk to girls. I got this. And that's a terrible thing. I think that , um, di divorce, the , uh, you know, the increased amount of divorce, and once a couple divorces usually depends on your state. Dads get the shaft , uh, moms get the kids through the week, and dads get kids every other weekend. So that pushes a dad out of a child's life. Once that dad has been , um, I pretty much outta the child's life for five years, they've shown, then dads just sort of give up and back away and go, wow , you know, I'm , I'm really not needed. And then, of course, in different , um, socioeconomic levels , uh, in our strata, in our culture, it doesn't pay to be married. As a single mom, you get a lot more money if you're a single mom than you if you're married. So a lot of these kids just really kind of , um, the , the , the dads just kept pushed aside. So it's social, I think it's personal relationships. I think that divorce crushes dads, I had a , a dad expert tell me one time this intriguing, every divorced man should be considered at higher risk for suicide. Wow . And I said, really? He said, yeah, because what happens emotionally and psychologically to a man right after divorce can be devastating. And a big part of that is feeling like a failure with your kids, because by and large, your kids are pulled away from you. They're given to mom. And , um, that really isn't fair.

Speaker 1: 9:07

So I, I would be curious, just on that note, if someone's listening to this and they are a single father, they've experienced divorce or for whatever reason, what would your your encouragement be to them?

Speaker 3: 9:17

Never, never, never give up on your kids. Even if you see your kids every , um, you know, every other weekend, what happens to a lot of dads is they feel like failures. They feel insecure in their relationships with their kids, and they feel their kids don't want them. Particularly if you have an ex, a wife who's badmouthing you. Mm . Wow . Dad's become very discouraged. And I wanna say to those dads, your kid may for a while in the teen years talk badly about you, not wanna be with you, but take the high rope , because I will guarantee you, once that child hits 2021, they're gonna recognize that you're a good guy and they'll come right back to you. So if you can just hang on, kids know in the depth of their heart that nothing replaces a dad. Mom cannot replace a dad. Moms don't like to hear it, but it's true. And so your child always, always wants a deeper connection with you, but you will feel like they're going away. But hold on, and never give up and just hang on during those really tough years because you have God willing , um, your child hits 20 and you have, you know, decades ahead with your child. So don't give up because you're far more important to your kids than you have any clue. You know, kids who don't have a good relationship with their dad hurt forever. They just hurt forever. You know? And I always say, kids, men and men and women, take one man to their grave. It's your dad. Wow. If you had a broken relationship, you want more healing until he , until you die. Really. If you had a good relationship with your dad, you just want more time. And so most kids don't feel neutral about their dads. Think about it . You can feel neutral about a teacher or a coach or friend when it comes to your dad. You either adore him or you cry when you hear his name . That's how, that's how, that's how critically important dads are, even divorce dads. So,

Speaker 1: 11:21

Wow. Well, thank you for encouraging it , and even for me as a dad, greatly encouraging you to know the impact that we can have. Um, I want , you've given your life this, and thank you for investing in dads. You've written seven books. You offer coaching all these different things to dads. Um, I heard someone say once, I think it was Jeremy Pryor, he said, most people only have one model of what family should look like, and that's the family they grew up in. Um, I'm just curious if people have one model, and it was a negative one mm-hmm <affirmative> . Before we can really even start to think about how can I be a great dad? How can people overcome maybe the trauma or the wounds that they experienced in their childhood and the family they experienced before they can even set a solid foundation to, to be a great dad?

Speaker 3: 12:00

That's a great question. Um, and I talk about this with dads. Every father comes into parenting with a preload. Okay? And your preload is your experience as a child with a dad, with a dad, or without a dad. Um, and unfortunately, unless you address those major issues that you experienced as a child, you will bring that into your parenting. And subconsciously, if dad was a yeller and you thought, I can't wait to get away from this guy, I can't stand him, you have a pretty good chance of being a yeller to your kids because that's what you know. So you default to what you know. So here's what I encourage dads to do. It's a painful experience. You gotta take a, you know, a a good friend who's a guy, a counselor, pastor, whatever. And you need to walk back through to the, the deepest pains that you experienced in your family with your dad. And you need to face them . And you need, you may not resolve 'em completely, but you know what they are. So that moving forward, you can say, you know what? It crushed me whenever my dad yelled, or my dad hit, or my dad never showed up. And so I know that hurt terribly, but as I move forward, I will not yell at my kids, even though I'm, I'm tempted to yell at my kids. I won't. Even though I'm tempted to leave my kids like my dad left me or not engage with them, I, I won't. So you can only change a behavior if you know what you're changing from. So, you know, even just tackling one or two or your deep pains in your childhood, and everybody has 'em , but some are much deeper than others, fathers. And then they realize how much it hurt, and they are gonna make a big effort not to bring 'em into their parenting. And that's really where a lot of the healing starts is in parenting. Because if you had a dad who yelled, you know, it hurt a lot. You know how it hurt, why it hurt when it hurt and you move forward and you don't yell at your kids. You begin to reestablish a healthy relationship with a child. And that begins to heal you as a child, if that makes any sense. Yeah, absolutely. And so parenting can be such a rich, healing, wonderful experience for dads, but if you go into it not being willing to face what happened in the past, it's, it could be much more painful and it'll be more painful for your kids.

Speaker 1: 14:33

That's so powerful. I remember now, I have a great relationship with my dad now, but there were things, I remember my early twenties that I was, I was disappointed in the way I was raised by and , and very frustrated with him. And I was having devotions one day, and I was reading Hebrews 12, and it talks about God as our father. Uh , and it said, our earthly fathers disciplined us for a while , and then it just said , doing the best that they knew how. And I just felt like God, God really healed me through that and made me have this revelation of like, Hey, my dad may not have had the same equipping or same knowledge that I have, you know, at , at 20. And, but he did the best he could and, you know, given the circumstances he grew up with, like, which I have no idea about. And it just gave me such a different perspective on my dad and even the things that he neglected to put in me. Uh, and man, it just made me love him so much more. And going to that place was so healing. And I don't know if I could be the dad I am today had I not gone there. So thank you for your encouragement there. You

Speaker 3: 15:24

Bet. You bet. And God, God, you know, God is so magnificent because he is an incredible father. But a lot of PE people , men and women who carry father wounds have a hard time relating to God because that father stumbling block. Um, but you're absolutely right to look at your dad and go, you know, he carried his preload into parenting you, and so he was putting onto you something that was put onto him. Yeah. And so he didn't mean to do that. He didn't wanna do that. It , it , it , it's just what came out because nobody's schooled him. Nobody helped him. Like you're doing now with the dads out there, probably nobody taught him.

Speaker 1: 16:05

Yeah. Have you ever, have you ever seen the movie The Shaq?

Speaker 3: 16:08

Yes.

Speaker 1: 16:09

Oh man. That, that <laugh> for those listening , if you haven't seen it, it's a hard movie to watch, but it's phenomenal. Mm-hmm <affirmative> . Uh , that scene where he gets to see his dad in heaven. And then he got a glimpse of what his dad's experience was with his dad. Mm-hmm . And they hug and he said, I'm sorry, son. I didn't know any better. I mean , I wanna cry now. Oh , so

Speaker 3: 16:26

Powerful. And so, and so many dads feel that way. So many, I'll never forget, my dad died of Alzheimer's, and I was very attached to my father, and he was not a man of many words. But I'll never forget , um, walking with him probably in the last six months of his life. Um, and he knew me, but we would sort of shuffle around and he stopped dead in his tracks. And he looked at me and he said, Meg, am I forgiven? And I said, well, dad, by whom? He said, well, by you and mother and your brother and sister. And I said, yes, you are. And then he said, but because does God forgive me? And I said, yes, he does. See, even in his broken mind, he knew that he'd hurt everybody 'cause he's human. But he desperately wanted forgiveness so that we knew he didn't mean it.

Speaker 1: 17:16

Hmm .

Speaker 3: 17:17

And, and that, I will tell you, my dad didn't, I mean, you know, I had hurts from my own dad too, but in that moment, they were healed because I knew my dad meant it. He wanted it, and he didn't do make his mistakes out of choice. Hmm . They came from somewhere in him.

Speaker 1: 17:37

So that brings me up, brings up another question. If a dad is listening to the , or mom for that matter, and maybe they have grandkids now, or their kids are grown now the house, and they're just overwhelmed with regret, even if they're still married, you know, they didn't abandon their kids. Maybe they just know things now that they wish they could have done better. Maybe they have a broken relationship with their child. What would your encouragement be to them in this stage of their life?

Speaker 3: 18:00

Yeah, that's a great question because first of all , um, every child, adult, doesn't matter how old they are , wants to reconcile with their moms, particularly your dad. So you could be 7-year-old dad and your kid is 50, they want reconciliation. So this is what you do. You sit down and you try to think about the things that you did to your child that may have been hurtful because you weren't them. You don't know. And then you face 'em and you go, man, I really messed up there. And then if you're really estranged, you haven't talked to this kid in 10 years, you , you write a letter and you say, I am so deeply sorry for how I hurt you. I don't, I don't blame you for, you know, disengaging with me . And then your kid won't respond. And then you do it another month in another month, in another month. But here's the bottom line. Over time, you gently pursue that child, adult, or five-year-old, and you go to them and say, I am so sorry for very specifically for yelling at you, but you don't stop there. I am so sorry for yelling at you and for making you feel so insignificant or so , um, badly or so sad. Because what kids want to you to do is to recognize how you made them feel. Yeah . And how, how much that hurt. So if you, you can't go and say, I'm sorry for all the bad things I did to you, that's meaningless. Hmm . I'm so sorry for, and then, and then, and then how that made you feel. And if, and if you don't know how the kid felt, you say, I'm so sorry for yelling at you. How did that feel? Wow. And you sit there and listen because you can take it, you take it on the chin, but you can listen. That's the only way you heal with your child. Um, and if you don't know what you did that hurt your child, you say to them, clearly, I hurt you deeply, and I just am not understanding. Please tell me what it was that I did that hurt you so deeply. And how did it make you feel when I did that? Hmm . And then you sit there and you listen and your kid will probably explode or cry or whatever, but they'll be blown over it that you said that and you meant it. You know, I've seen, I've seen kids. Okay. I had two girls who were sexually abused. Dad goes to prison. They still wanted to communicate with their dad. Why? Because even though he hurt them terribly, there's this sort of gold thread that runs from them to their dad. He's still their dad. He's still their dad. And he was very repentant. Um, that doesn't mean that they had, could spend any time with him , but, but what I'm saying is the human heart is very, very complicated. And even children's hearts are very complicated. So that's what I encourage every dad to do. Face what you did, apologize, face how you made your kids feel, apologize, ask for forgiveness and then let it be. But a lot of it's gonna be listening and just taking it on the chin and sitting there.

Speaker 1: 21:12

Wow . What you just shared is pure gold. Uh , and I would just encourage, if someone's listening to this and you're saying, I feel like you're speaking to me. I feel like I'm supposed to do that, that's me. Please don't take time to to act on this. Go home and write the letter now. Make the call now. Have the conversation now. Uh, 'cause if you put it off, I , I just know how those things work. It'll end up never happening. And so if you feel prompted, I just wanna encourage anyone listening to this to, to go for that. Um, well , we covered a lot of heavy stuff so far. Mm-hmm <affirmative> . Uh , and I'll just say, Hey, if we're caught up at the foundation now, you've written again , several books. You latest one called Hero , uh, being the Strong Father. Your Children Need , uh, probably your most people's most favorite books , strong Father, strong Daughters. I wanna just dive into just parenting , uh, and I would encourage anyone listening to this get all of Dr. ER's books. And she's also now offering, I guess just , uh, mid commercial , uh, you're now getting into coaching. And so mm-hmm <affirmative> . Fathers, if you're out there listening to this, do you just wanna give 'em a brief overview of how they can connect you with you there before we dive into how we can start parenting our kids better?

Speaker 3: 22:12

You bet. I'm starting my coaching in April, getting all geared up. Um, if anybody's interesting , it's gonna be all over my website, meek Your parenting.com. And I'm gonna be doing via Zoom live coaching , um, with small groups, 25 men, and then 50 , um, men. Um, men's wives can come on. I'm not excluding wives at all. My point is to help fathers understand how their kids see them, what they want from them, and how they feel towards their dads. Because that's the key in having a good relationship with your kid. 'cause you're gonna tell you, I needed this and I needed this, and I need to get 'em to soccer. That's not what kids kids want. Kids want their dads, they want their dad's heart . So I'm starting the coaching and I do one-on-one private coaching. Um, not tons and tons of that. Um, but it's, but the coaching that I've done, you know, so far just a men's group bible study groups or anything has been very, very popular. So I just decided to, to make it legit. And I'm, I'm really excited about that because that's really my heart seeing somebody on the screen. What are you struggling with? What's your problem? No question is off limits. None. Zero. I've heard everything <laugh>. And I know you dads because I've listened to your kids. I've listened to thousands of kids over 35 years, talk about their dads. So I can tell you exactly what your kids would say about you. Because kids aren't all that different when it comes from what they need from their dads.

Speaker 1: 23:46

Hmm . And please take advantage of this. And , you know, I heard, I heard someone just tell me once that the kids who have a troubled youth, the number one way that they can get out of tough situations is having someone, usually an another adult, show them a different way of life. And, you know, as I mentioned earlier, often we've only seen one way model to family. So to , to be able to take advantage of Dr. Meeker's years and years of experience , uh, could show you a whole different way to parent than you never have. Mm-hmm <affirmative> . So we'll include links to all of that in the show notes. So make sure that you check that out. Uh, and now I want to dive in 'cause I <laugh> , as we were talking about before the show, I have four kids under seven mm-hmm <affirmative> . And so I have all kind of questions, but I thought it would be fun maybe to take the, you know, the general age categories that I see kids wrapped up in are zero to five, five to 12, 13, 18, and 18 and beyond. Um, so I would love to take that zero to five, which is where three outta my four kids are at. Sure , sure . What do parents and dads and moms need to know at this age to successfully lay a great foundation for their kids?

Speaker 3: 24:41

Sure. Keep it simple. Very, very, very simple. During the first five years, these are the years where you need to form strong attachments with your kids. You know, we focus on mom attaching to the kids breastfeeding, the skin to skin contact. But dads need to attach as well. And so moms out there listening need to know, sometimes I need to move aside and let dad attach to my child. So zero to one, if you're breastfeeding your baby, you need to pump, you need to put some in a bottle, and you need to let dad rock and feed the baby. That's a big attachment time. Then, then from one to five , um, kids are still wanting to attach to their dads. So the thing is, spend time with them. You don't have to spend huge chunks of time with them. 'cause you work 10 minutes here, 15 minutes here, put your phone down, look 'em in the eyes, touch them, sit with them, color with them, kick a ball with them. Because when you spend time with your kid doing anything, your kid feels like, wow, I'm really important because my dad's with me. See, they feel like it's okay to have my mom with me, but my mom has to be with me. This is just in a kid's mind. Okay, this is what they tell me. <laugh> , my mom says , this is what they tell me. But when my dad chooses to sit down and color with me or chooses to take me to , um, the grocery store, I am something because my dad likes my company. Um, and then show affection to your kids. There's no better time where your kids will receive affection from you during those, those early years to about eight. And then pre puberty , it changes. So take advantage of that time because the solid attachments that you form the , with your kids in the first five years will set them on a fabulous path, a fabulous path. Because you know, you are modeling to them when you as a dad show your kids what to expect from maleness, from men. So if you prove in the first five years of their life that they can trust you because you're gonna follow through and do what you say , um, that they can receive your love because it's there. You're affectionate, you're open. If you withhold love, then they think, well , you know, kind of what's, what's wrong with me? Everything that another male person does, as they get older, they will compare to you. Okay. So, so you set that standard. If you never swear in the home and they go to school and they're in second grade and they hear somebody swear in the hall, they're gonna go, you're a Dumbo. My dad would never do that. See what I mean? Yes. Yeah. So you , you, you set the template. Come on for how they expect men to behave. Very important for teen , for girls. Because if it , every time the teenage girls goes out with a boy, whether she's connected to you or not, she compares that guy to her dad. And if dad takes the high road and dad is cur courteous and he's polite and he's kind and he's respectful, the minute she is disrespected and a relationship, something's gonna go off in her. And hopefully she'll go get outta here. Hmm . But , but in other words, you , so you are setting a template for what your kids moving forward can expect from a man. So you wanna give them all good things. They can trust you, they can be affectionate with you, they can receive their love. Um, they can , um, know that you're gonna be honest, that you're, you know, mild tempered or whatever. Um, so <laugh> , that's how important the first five years are.

Speaker 1: 28:30

I , and I , I would love to just hear your thoughts 'cause I'm in that season now . What are your thoughts on correction and discipline in that time? Like, what should that look like? Or what have you found is most effective and, and not leaving long-term negative impact? Yeah,

Speaker 3: 28:42

Yeah, yeah. Well, first of all, don't be afraid. All kids need boundaries, period. That's all discipline is all about. You know, Susie, you're too , you cannot , um, cook with mom right now because the gas is on whatever. So you have to have very clear boundaries. Yes, you can this no, you can't do that. And you tell them to the kids very simply, don't over speak to your kids. 'cause a two and a three and a 4-year-old probably aren't gonna understand much beyond you can't do this. And so then you say, if you do this, Susie , um, then you're gonna be in a timeout. Um, and then if you do this, Johnny then say he's five, then you can't , um, you know, ride your bike for three days or whatever it is. The discipline has to sting. That doesn't mean you have to be mean, but you have to have to follow through. If you have a two or year 3-year-old, they do something bad. You grab 'em , you put 'em in timeout, you don't even need to really say anything. They kick and scream and run outta the chair. You pick 'em up, put 'em back in the chair. <laugh> , if you need to sit there and hold 'em on your lap, that's what you do. You train them for the consequence so that they start to realize eventually this isn't worth doing it. So you have to have clear boundaries because you're preparing them for life. Yeah. You and I have clear boundaries. You know, Henry Cloud wrote a whole book on it because adults are not really good with boundaries. So <laugh> , we have to teach our kids those. Early on you in our home, you couldn't swear, you couldn't yell, you couldn't call names and you couldn't wreck anybody's stuff.

Speaker 1: 30:22

<laugh> . Right .

Speaker 3: 30:23

So you

Speaker 1: 30:23

That's a good

Speaker 3: 30:24

One. My stuff,

Speaker 1: 30:26

My stuff <laugh> as my kids were running through the laundry last night. Yes. Anyway. Yeah .

Speaker 3: 30:30

You know, but with small children, because they wanna do so many things wrong, you have to pick your battles. Okay? Mm-hmm . So you, you, you pick things that are dangerous to them. You know, if your 3-year-old paints all over the kitchen wall, they're not trying to be a bad kid. That's what kids do, <laugh> . Okay. But if you look at 'em and say, don't pick up that paintbrush, and you walk outta the room and you come back in and they picked up the paintbrush, then you've declared war. Mm-hmm <affirmative> . Like , daddy told you not to do that, now you're in timeout or whatever. Yeah. And so the earlier you establish those clear boundaries and clear consequences, it's so much easier that they get older. Because if you don't get your kids to listen to you and obey you when they're five, when they're 16 and they have car keys in their hand and they're walking out the door and you say, no, you can't use the car, and they look at you and go, yeah. Right. Dad, that's a dangerous situation. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 31:24

Yeah. Um, I don't know how far I'm jumping ahead because I don't know that we'll get to all the age brackets, but I would love to hear you talk about when do you feel like parents should introduce sexuality or talking about sex or at least sexual things to children? Uh, and what should those conversations look like? I mean, I feel like with the internet today in schools, it's becoming younger and younger. Uh , and so yeah. I just wanna hear you talk all about that. Yeah ,

Speaker 3: 31:47

Yeah . Um, well first of all, I wanna make a plea, and I will beg every father not to give their teenage girls a cell phone . 50% of the time girls see porn on social media. It's the number one place that girls are sex trafficked. So please don't give your girls cell phones that said, here's what I do. And I wrote a whole course and went through it on my website, how to talk to your kids about sex and puberty. When your child starts asking you questions about babies and moms and dads, or they hear something at school sometimes at second, third, fourth grade, and they come and say, you know, I heard this. I don't really know what that means. Then you sort of begin to answer their question. And if they just say, okay, thanks, and they run away, you're done. But if they sit there and sort of say, I just don't understand, I don't understand, then you need need to sit down and talk with them. And you don't need to get into the nitty gritty early on. What you wanna do is, is talk about, it's very important when what that this is between a mom and a dad. And that love is exchanged through physical touch and lying down together. And then you can even go, you know, talk to them about intercourse and everything. Um, whenever you do it , your kid's gonna hate it. They're gonna be shocked even if they're 16 because dad shouldn't know anything about it. Right. And they don't wanna hear about it because they're two people on earth. They're not sexually active and you're one of, so no, no kid wants to hear from dad or mom <laugh> . However, it's important that you be the one to tell, because you wanna tell it in the context. It's positive and it's always couched in love and a commitment committed relationship. So start the conversation when you feel they've heard something they're thinking and they have questions. Also, depending on the school that your kids are in, they may be getting an earful in kindergarten. They may be getting an earful in fifth grade. So always ask your kids what they're talking about at school. For instance, my granddaughter's 10 , she's in a public school and I pump her all the time. Mm-hmm <affirmative> . You know, have you , are there any kids in your class, your school that like girls who think, oh, it'd be so cool to be a boy or a boy who thinks it'd be so cool , cool to be a girl. Mm-hmm . What I'm asking is, are you hearing about transgender? And she goes, no. What are you talking about? She's, she's set, but if I ask , and she said, yeah, I would with her parents' permission, talk her through that. Um, and so you say, do you hear your friends talk about kissing and dating and moms and dads doing things? Or where babies are born? And you'll know by looking in their eyes whether they've heard something or not. And if you think they've heard something, then you, then you need to, to, to talk about it will be uncomfortable. It'll be uncomfortable for you. But that's okay. Once you get the first sort of conversation over, it's not a one and done. You have to continue to talk about it. You know, how are things going? And you know, you have a freshman in high school and you know, I know that a lot of kids this age are thinking about having sex or any of your friends sexually active. Don't ask your kid, ask about their friends. Mm . Because usually what their friends are doing, maybe what they're doing. Wow. <laugh> . So you what I'm saying, if you , if your daughter has five friends and three are sexually active, 50 50 that she is , so Yeah . Yeah , yeah. So, but you gotta be on , you gotta be on top of it. Don't be scared and don't, don't be frightened, but, but your kids wanna hear what they wanna know. What you think about them being sexually active as they get older. Does my dad think it's okay or does he think it's not okay? You know, my ne my dad never said don't, but man, I knew that I had to be careful about the boys I dated even in college because he wanted to know about them and what they were up to. And if they said, even if I was home on the weekend from college, I was gonna be in at 1:00 AM he stayed awake.

Speaker 1: 35:53

Hmm .

Speaker 3: 35:53

And if , and if , yeah.

Speaker 1: 35:55

This is huge. I'm curious your, your , uh, insight on this. Um, Jeremy Pryor, he runs an organization called Family Teams. He made a , a post the other day. It was beautiful. He said , uh, unpopular opinion. I think parenting is more important from 18 to 30 than I think he said, like five to 12. Um , and I think so many parents just think, oh my kid's 18 now. Which anyway. And I , it's crazy. But do , do you feel, I mean, I know you're a parent forever, but do you feel like, like that 18 to 30 is absolutely just as essential as, as childhood teenage years, et cetera?

Speaker 3: 36:25

It is. And I'll tell you why. First of all, they're developing really mature thinking so they can, all the brain cells hopefully are in place in the early twenties of frontal lobe development. Okay. And now you have very deep conversations about very important things like your childhood , um, behaviors, faith, God, it is no longer you just telling them and sort of pouring all of your information and feelings and beliefs into them. Now you're at a point where you can actually discuss them and tell them why and tell them why you did what you did and why your faith is the way it is. And, and then, and then they start dating and they have serious relationships and so forth so you can help them navigate that. Um, 'cause there's gonna be a lot of pain there. So you're absolutely right. I found, you know, in my experience, those are critical years because often kids aren't married. They're trying to figure out what they wanna do, what their life is all about, why they're on the earth anyway. Um, and so a lot of deep things come up. And if you have a good relationship, it doesn't have to be perfect, good relationship . Your kids will come to you and ask the questions and that's what you want. You wanna raise your kids in a way that when they're 18 and 20 and beyond, you are the point person

Speaker 1: 37:44

That's so

Speaker 3: 37:45

Good, right? You're the point person. And if you are cruel to your kids or distant from your kids or you bail on your kids because your wife is beating you up and you're never allowed to have see these kids 'cause you're divorced, divorced , you're not the point person. So maintain connection all through the , those years and you can become or reestablish yourself as the point person.

Speaker 1: 38:09

So, good. We only have a few minutes left. I did wanna hit on, on raising confident kids. And you know, I know you talk a lot about strong father strong daughters raising , uh, women to be confident and not have , uh, girls to not have body image issues. And I'm sure with guys it's having confidence and security. What are your best tips on raising confident kids who are confident who they are ?

Speaker 3: 38:28

Well, I think first of all, you have to model it. Um, you have to model that you know your truth , your yes is yes. And your no is no. So that you mean what you say because words are important and you have, and speech is all about, you have to have integrity in your speech. Hmm . So you model that. You have to model good character , um, second, and you wanna model integrity and you wanna be truthful and you want to be compassionate and, you know, there's a lot, a lot of fruits and spirit. Then you want to compliment your kids on character. This is something we never do. We're all about clapping at them. If they make a goal or if they get straight A's , my kid is great, you're, I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud of you. No, you tell your child that you're proud of them. When they missed the goal, they lost the game, but they were out there giving it their best. Yeah . You give 'em a big hug out the field and say, I am so proud of you. What are you talking about dad? Because you gave it your all or or your , your , your , your daughter's playing with your daughter and one is five and one is three, and your five-year-old wants to just blow up at the three-year-old. But she doesn't, she's patient. I am so proud of you that you were so patient with your sister. I'm so proud of you that you persevere through your algebra even though it's really hard for you. Who cares that you get a C <laugh> ? What really matters is that you go at it and add it and add it, and that's gonna what , that's what's gonna make you a winner in the end. So if you help your kids , um, grow solid character , um, in them, they're gonna be very confident. Don't talk about their weight, don't talk that much about how they look, don't talk about their performance, talk about their character, applaud them for it and let them know very clearly , um, that no matter what they do, and I'll tell kids this, even if you sit in a closet for the rest of your life , I will love you just the same. I'll knock on the door to ask you to come out. But if you don't, it's okay. Because a lot of kids today, Christian kids, any kids, they all feel so much pressure that if they don't A, B and C, their parents are not gonna love them. And you think about the way we interact with our kids, we unwittingly or subconsciously communicate that to them. Yeah . We coach their games and clap, clap, clap. Um, and then we tell 'em how great they are at this and this and this. Kids get the message. I have to continue to be great at that to get my dad's attention because the only time I ever see my dad really happy is when I'm doing well in school or in a sport. Ouch. So be very, very careful. Um, don't show up at their practices, please. Unless you're their coach. Let him <laugh> let him , let 'em be, let them be, you know, and don't talk about it all the time because that, that kids so desperately wanna please their parents, particularly their dad, that if they see that you're happy with something they're doing mm-hmm . They'll keep doing it. Wow . They'll keep doing it even if they hate it. And then they'll burn out sophomore year in high school. That's when it happens.

Speaker 1: 41:43

Oh , Dr. Meg , this conversation did di not disappoint and I'll just leave this open-ended as we close anything you want to talk about or leave our leaders listening to this with,

Speaker 3: 41:51

You know, I, I would encourage dads , um, to just, even though there are times you wanna give up, don't. Hmm . Um, if there , if there are times you've made mistakes and , um, you're discouraged about 'em , apologize to your kids and ask God to help you lean on God. You know , um, think about, we always feel like failures and um, and, and we feel like, oh my gosh, my, my kids are, you know, I'm gonna fail my kids, fail my kids. Well, we can't judge our parenting on our kids' failure success. Look at God. I mean, he's the perfect parent and he's got a lot of messed up kids. <laugh>. So, so you can be a perfect parent and your kids are still gonna do what they do . So just give it your best and love 'em and apologize. And you're the , keep it simple. Keep it, your kids don't want the stuff you want to give them. Just keep it simple.

Speaker 1: 42:50

Well , Dr. Meeker , thank you for your faithfulness that God's call on your life to investing in parents and dads. I know it's made a tremendous difference and you're not done yet. And so we'll include links to, I know you talked about the link to the course on talking to your kids about sex. Yeah . We talked about your coaching and all the other ways that people could connect with you. We'll put in the show notes and , uh, just thank you again for the conversation. It was a pleasure.

Speaker 3: 43:09

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 43:10

Well, hey, leader , thank you so much for listening to my conversation with Dr. Meer. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did. You can find ways to connect with her and links to everything that we discussed in the show notes@lthreeleadership.org slash four 16 . I also wanna thank our sponsor again and Dosha Marketing Solutions. They're the producers of this podcast. They're great friends. And if you were looking for help with anything related to marketing in your organization, I cannot recommend them enough. I've recommended them to many people who use them and they've all given the thumbs up and are so happy with the work that they've done. You can learn more about and dosha and dosha.com, that's A-N-D-O-C-I a.com . And as always, I like to end every episode with a quote. And today I'll quote David McKee who said this, he said, no other success can compensate for failure in the home. So true. David, thank you. That's gonna wrap up our podcast for today. As always, the leader, remember this, don't quit. Keep leading the world desperately needs your leadership. We'll talk to you next episode.