Ever felt like your efforts as a parent go unnoticed? You're not alone. This episode delves into the emotional maze where appreciation seems scarce and frustrations are plenty. We explore the oft-overlooked undercurrents of feeling undervalued, reflecting on how easy it is to slip into a negative feedback loop. Join us as we examine the impact of our own expectations on the bumpy road of teaching our teens to drive, and the crucial recognition that our investment in their safety might not always be met with open arms.
interested in SHIFT? Want a free call with EMYLEE? Grab a spot for a free call here
Find more information and Free resources HERE:
https://hernextstep.limitlessfemalecoaching.com/landing-page-her-next-step
Have a question about the program or something you want answered on the podcast? Come chat with me on instagram!
@Limitlessfemale
Ever felt like your efforts as a parent go unnoticed? You're not alone. This episode delves into the emotional maze where appreciation seems scarce and frustrations are plenty. We explore the oft-overlooked undercurrents of feeling undervalued, reflecting on how easy it is to slip into a negative feedback loop. Join us as we examine the impact of our own expectations on the bumpy road of teaching our teens to drive, and the crucial recognition that our investment in their safety might not always be met with open arms.
interested in SHIFT? Want a free call with EMYLEE? Grab a spot for a free call here
Find more information and Free resources HERE:
https://hernextstep.limitlessfemalecoaching.com/landing-page-her-next-step
Have a question about the program or something you want answered on the podcast? Come chat with me on instagram!
@Limitlessfemale
Hi, I'm Emily. With the Limitless Female podcast. You are listening to a bonus episode. I coach Emily on how to feel while teaching her teenager how to drive. Woman, welcome. If you're a mama who is feeling all the feels of motherhood the ups and downs of hormones and maybe even depression then you are in the right place. Limitless Female is your confident inner voice, helping you master your mood and create the epic life that calls you. My goal is to show you just how enough you are, so you can show up limitless in your own life.
Speaker 1:Let's get started. Hey everybody, what a fun surprise. I get to chat with you on this, not Friday morning. I hope you guys are doing great and possibly going through similar things that my clients are going through. So I got to coach Emily. That's right. I'm going to talk about her name, so don't get confused about her teenager, who is learning how to drive.
Speaker 1:Now I don't know if any of you guys are in the same boat, but I have also been teaching my teen how to drive and it is a new one for me.
Speaker 1:I have found that each of these new situations and milestones that we come to with our kids, it's like we're supposed to already know how to do it, let alone never taking a course on how to teach your child how to drive. But how about how to feel when they don't like the way we teach them how to drive? So that's what this episode will hopefully help you with that it will help you figure out how to feel and what to think when your teenager maybe prefers their dad to teach them how to drive, or doesn't like the way you wince when they turn slowly into oncoming traffic on the left turn, or when they get upset with you All the things that may happen, possibly, unless your life is just sparkly beautiful, that's awesome too, but if your life is like mine, then this episode will help you. Emily was so vulnerable and amazing letting us share this coaching session with you, and I know you guys will get a lot out of it. So, without any more chatting, here is Emily.
Speaker 2:I did have an experience with my daughter this morning that I've been like ruminating about all day and trying to figure out, like okay, how can I like I mostly feel okay about it, but I but I feel like, because I keep ruminating on it, that it's just going to like keep coming up, you know.
Speaker 2:So she just started driving and she's my oldest, so this is my first experience having a student driver, which you know is has been mostly fine, like she hasn't done anything catastrophic. And I think initially, you know, when I had to like really explain things you know, like how to turn, how to park, how to turn on the windshield wipers, like all these things like she was just getting information and not like positive feedback, right, because there wasn't anything positive time yet, yeah, there wasn't anything to give yet, right, like she hadn't been doing it enough to like have positive feedback, so she just kept getting instruction. So then this, it created this like relationship where she she is now telling me that she is stressed out driving with me, so like, so I have been super conscious of making sure I point out things she's doing well and if there's something little that she doesn't do well, like I don't say anything about it. Like, if it's not a big deal, like and I know she knows how to do it, then I don't say anything. If it's something that is bigger and needs instruction, then I'll say something.
Speaker 2:So, like this morning she was driving to the school. I pointed out, I think, four or five things that she was doing well and then she, she was making a left turn at a light and there was a car coming towards us and there was enough space to go, but she didn't turn on her blinker and she was like slowly easing into this turn and I'm watching this other, these other headlights coming at us and I was like, okay turn, okay turn, like I'm going to get T boned.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Like I'm on the passenger side, so then we get through there and she's like I said okay, just remember to turn on your blinker next time, you know, and I wasn't like mad or yelling or anything, but she, she goes. You know, I was talking about this with dad and I do not like driving with you because I get so tense because you're going to tell me what to fix and what I'm doing wrong all the time. And so I pointed out to her that, like hey, did you notice? Before, before the correction, I pointed out four or five things that you were doing. Well, like, did you notice that? Because I'm really trying hard to do that? And she's like, oh, yeah, thanks.
Speaker 2:And then I said when you, when you get tense in the car because you're driving with me, that is because you've like created this, this thought in your mind that I'm going to correct you. So if you can try and remember that I am, I am doing my best to point out positives and I'm only giving instruction when there needs to be instruction, then this will help you not be as tense in the car. And she just was, like just stop talking to me, okay, it's fine. And so then I thought like, okay, what am I supposed to do? Like it's a lose lose situation. I feel like, no matter what I do, she's going to continue to feel tense in the car with me, and I don't, and and I'm I'm the one who drives with her the most, because I'm the one who's around more, you know. So it's like I don't know how to remedy this, and I was trying to like you're right, though either way, it is a lose.
Speaker 1:lose when your goal is to help her not be tense while you're driving with her Right. So that's why I'm stuck Because you said it. You don't have that power. You never did. Because you're going. What can I do, right, so she doesn't feel stressed?
Speaker 2:Well, just like she also like and I was trying to kind of do the same thing for her I'm like you you can't control if I like suck in a breath because you get a little bit close to a mailbox Like you can't. You can't control if I do that or not, and if that makes you feel tense, like I'm, I'm sorry, but you are a new driver and I'm doing my best to point out and I'm doing my best to point out positive things, and there's legit reasons for why I'm a little bit nervous with you driving.
Speaker 1:Right. But if the circumstances that she says she's stressed, I'm stressed out driving with you, right, like if we took that phrase that she told you, that she told her husband, your husband, right, what do you think about that, about her saying that she's stressed out driving with you, that's hurtful Like it shouldn't be.
Speaker 2:I shouldn't take it personally, but I do.
Speaker 1:Why is it hurtful?
Speaker 2:Because I don't want to be doing it either and I am, but I know it's. It's an important skill that she needs to learn. So I am sacrificing the ease of driving myself, right Cause it's a lot easier for me to just jump in the driver's seat and and allowing her to learn.
Speaker 1:So, when she says I, when the circumstances, I don't want to drive. I don't like driving with you.
Speaker 2:What is your thought about?
Speaker 1:that that I'm the one I'm sacrificing to do this yeah.
Speaker 2:Like I'm doing something for you and it's an important thing.
Speaker 1:Well, and and and, so it was. I don't want to drive with you either, Like I'm doing this as a right, as a service to you, Right Cause it's important.
Speaker 2:I know it's important and I want her to learn. It doesn't help that she's like that. She like fights us about it too, and I'm like this is dumb, why are you fighting? And I guess that's like. I hear that a lot of teenagers are like this these days. I don't. I remember like wanting to get in the driver's seat as soon as I could. I was a kid like I'm 15. All right, I get my permit Like I'm driving every time.
Speaker 1:Yeah so.
Speaker 2:I don't get it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Anyway. So it's like, so I too, when you think that I'm grateful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she's ungrateful. I mean, you have this thought like I don't want to drive with you either. I'm doing you a service. Therefore, you're being ungrateful if you don't enjoy it, right.
Speaker 2:Right, or if you just like if, if, what? If? Your response is I don't like this with you. Yeah, like, okay, okay.
Speaker 1:When you think she's being ungrateful, you feel hurt, Right, Okay. When you feel hurt, what do you do? Why do you think it affects? Because this is the part of like. Why do you care, Like? Why do you want to change this interaction? What do you? What happens when you're hurt? How does that perpetuate this driving situation?
Speaker 2:It turns more into a like lecture, right, like I felt, like I, I respond by by letting her know all the things I'm doing to try and make this better, for her yeah.
Speaker 1:You're not even sure about all the things that you do, right.
Speaker 2:And she's, and, and she responds basically with a I don't care, I mean that's, that's not what she says, but she's like okay, thanks, I got to go. Bye. Which is you know teenage talk, for I don't care.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like I think that your thought is she's being ungrateful or she doesn't care, right Like all that I'm doing.
Speaker 2:So then it just is this cycle of like she continues to not want to do it, I continue to not want to do it either, right, but then but I, but I'm still like working to help her learn this, so I'm going to keep enforcing that she needs to do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And then I have to do it, so you're going to keep showing up.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But you're not enjoying yourself and you said she's not enjoying herself For the most part. No, I mean the fact that you don't really want to be there and she doesn't really want to be there is probably not ideal, right? Ideally, you guys would both want to be doing it, right? That's probably the result yeah.
Speaker 1:So what's the result from you feeling her? And then you said it turns in more of a lecture. By the way, I've been this is exactly my cycle too and then you list all the things that you've done, like all the work and all the, the way you're there for her and how you've complimented her and how you're trying. Right, you do all that. What's the result from that?
Speaker 2:I mean today, it's just been like replaying it over and over. It's not that I'm not going to show up, I'm not going to stop, but I, I ruminate on it. That's been the result today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's still the action line but you're right, that's also what feeling hurt does, as you ruminating, cause you're trying to figure out what I do wrong. Right, that's still also the action line. What I think that you believe the results is, if you were doing a model, is in the result you would put she still doesn't like driving with me. Sure, yes, right, cause we keep. That's her result, though. Right, and that's why you feel stuck, because you're you're going to keep trying to change either the circumstance, which would be like even upping your, your compliments, right, or maybe driving less, or having your husband drive with her, right, you might change the circumstance and trying and do that in order to change the result which is her result. So it's kind of a lose lose, because the circumstance doesn't really affect your result and also you're not trying to even change your result, you're trying to change her result. This is why you feel stuck.
Speaker 2:Right yeah.
Speaker 1:Right. So what is a result that you are creating for you? When you think the thought I don't want to drive with her, she's being ungrateful. When you feel hurt and then you lecture and you think about it all day, does it make you want to drive with her more? No, yeah, doesn't make you think about all the way she's a great driver. No, no, it makes you think about all the reasons you don't like driving with her, right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and all the reasons. Maybe you want your husband to drive with her, but he can't, right, right, I think the results is that you believe that you have to drive with her, like that's the feeling of feeling stuck right, like I don't want to drive with her, but I want to learn these things, ergo, I have to do it, right? I mean, I think that's what we describe when we say like we feel stuck is I don't want to do something, I don't want to feel this way, I don't them feel this way, but we just have to go at it again, right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:But where is that result coming from? This results of you like just furthering, not enjoying this experience with her? Do you know where that's coming from my thoughts? Yeah, From your thought. I don't want to drive with you either, but I'm here, right, right. It feels like it's from her and all of her thoughts and her things she says to you, but not wanting to be there and her being ungrateful. But really it's your thought that I don't want to be here with you either, but I have to, and so I'm going to show up.
Speaker 1:It sounds nice, like I'm going to show up positive, I'm going to give you things, but that little underlying thought of like I don't really want to do this either. So you should be grateful because it's a sacrifice, right, right, we have those thoughts all the time. We even could be right, it doesn't even matter, because that thought like this is a sacrifice I'm doing for you, it feels makes you feel hurt. Every time you think that, Right, this is a sacrifice you don't see and then, therefore, you create pain for yourself.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And then, from that pain, you list all the things you do, hoping that she will, the circumstance will change, right, that she'll say something different and you can feel differently, right? So let's think about this, thought that, like, this is a sacrifice that you're doing for her, that you have to do for her, Right?
Speaker 2:So do you think it's a sacrifice? Because it would be easier to do it myself? So to drive yourself, to drive her to whatever her things, yeah, it would be easier for me to just jump in and drive.
Speaker 1:You sure? Yeah, it'd be a lot easier.
Speaker 2:It wouldn't be in the short term, it'd be easier. And oh yeah, it is. I like driving, it's way easier, I know.
Speaker 1:But, like physically, it takes less energy physical energy to sit next to her in the car. Yeah, I don't know, maybe I just want to separate out the part that's like mental and the part that's physical. Right, like you don't have to push the brake, or the thing you don't have to move the blinker, you just have to be watching. Yeah, sure, you got to talk, you got to move your mouth and talk, right?
Speaker 2:She's performing on too.
Speaker 1:Okay, so she'd prefer even less chatty. So you have to open your mouth to keep yourself safe and to tell her what to do, right? I just want to show you that the part that's harder is all the mental gymnastics your brain is doing because you're telling yourself this is so hard, like I don't want to be here, but I'm here. Why doesn't she want to be here? But you don't want to be there either, right You'd?
Speaker 1:prefer if you could do it. Maybe you can find some common ground there, not talking to her about it, but just understanding that, just like how she doesn't want to be there, you also don't want to be there.
Speaker 2:I'm not sure that would work for my child. No, don't tell her. She would use that again. Don't tell her If I told her that.
Speaker 1:No, don't tell her.
Speaker 2:I just need for you in your head to find some common ground Like I don't want to be here and that seems hurtful.
Speaker 1:Does it have any reflection on how you feel about her when you think the thought I don't want to be here either? No, no, how come? Tell me why that's different, why?
Speaker 2:is that not about how you feel about her Because I mean, I still love her, Like that, that doesn't change just because I don't want to drive. Have her drive in the car, Like yeah, why?
Speaker 1:What is the driving about? It's not about her, the driving is just about learning something.
Speaker 2:My kids complain a lot about learning, so you're coming back to complaining. Yeah, how much it bothers me.
Speaker 1:So you still love her, but you don't like her complaining, you don't like a behavior she does, right, right, okay. So when she says I want dad to drive with me, could it be possible that she loves you but she doesn't like being critiqued or educated, or taught Sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, or she doesn't like the way I do it.
Speaker 1:Anyway, but you don't like the way she complains. I mean, a different child might be a different at driving, right? You don't like the way she does it either, because she complains that's her way of doing it and you don't like that, right, right? So whatever she labels it maybe your idea of teaching, she labels it as nagging or criticizing. So she might say but I don't like the way she does it and you feel like you're being very factual and straightforward. She could easily say I don't like how she criticizes me. It doesn't mean she's right, it just means that's the thought she has. That makes her feel uptight and stressed and right. It's a behavior that she's labeled of yours. It's a thought she has about the way you're showing up. Do you see how this is not really about you?
Speaker 2:Right, yeah, well, I mean it is still about me, though, right, like she's having the thought because of me. So it is about me and her Because of you.
Speaker 1:She's choosing a thought about something you're doing and labeling it as nagging or criticizing, and when she thinks that it feels stressful to her, just like when you think that her talking or saying words is complaining, when you choose to choose that thought, it feels frustrating to you, which the results is you don't enjoy being with her.
Speaker 2:Okay, so if she is in the moment, how do I choose a thought that's different?
Speaker 1:Well, I just want to point out to you first that, just the same way that you not wanting to drive in the car with her has nothing to do with how you feel about her, cause I want to first. I want to first kind of like wiggle loose this idea that it's hurtful that she wants your husband to drive with her. I, she, doesn't want to drive at all. Okay, even that, yeah.
Speaker 1:Or it's hurtful that she doesn't see all the compliments that you're giving her, or it's hurtful that she doesn't see how hard you're trying, right, her her not seeing that is just her thoughts. It has nothing to do with, first of all, how much she loves you, but besides, that has nothing to do with whether or not you're lovable, or or you're a good teacher, or whether or not you're a great mom, right, like that has nothing. It's so far removed we don't even realize that. We just think they're one in the same. She doesn't want to drive with you, right, so she doesn't like see all that you do, so she doesn't love you. Like we connect the dots. And the truth is she doesn't want to drive with you because when you talk she makes things mean. She's being criticized, right, but nowhere in there is you're not somebody who's she loves. And then, even beyond that, it doesn't even matter if she loves you. You're lovable, not everyone's going to find thoughts that they where they can feel that way about everybody because they're not going to choose to at the moment.
Speaker 1:That's okay. It doesn't change how lovable and what, what a giving mother you are, right, sure. Do you see that like distinction, right? I just wanted to wiggle that loose, first a little bit, the, the grateful part, the, the part where it hurts a little bit, right. Okay, now I want to offer to you what if your role or your um, the outcome that you wanted was not her outcome, but was your outcome? Which meaning, instead of your goal being like okay, today, the way I'm going to teach, I'm going to offer five compliments for every one teaching moment, so that she's not stressed the, so that part, that's the result you're trying to create, right and?
Speaker 2:you're a loose lose and I can't do that. Yes.
Speaker 1:It's a lose lose because you cannot create her feelings, right, right, so let's find a better goal that you can actually achieve. That has nothing to do with what she says you did on that driving trip, like, if it's like she might not feel better, but my goal is to compliment five for every teaching moment. Sure, right, and I'm going to do that because that's the mom. That's the kind of mom driver I want to be. I want to be a driver that my daughter tells me something bothers her and I make adjustments, but not she might not change the way she feels, and that's fine.
Speaker 1:I didn't do it to change the way she feels I did it because I'm a mom who learns and adjust, just like I want my daughter to do on my daughter to hear my critiques in the car, and I wanted to not take it personal and just adjust. That's the kind of mom you are.
Speaker 2:I mean that that all makes sense. So the thing today that I think bugged her is that, like when you're about to get t boned Right, Like I was like okay, cool. Like I sucked in a breath, I was a little bit uptight, but like not not mad, like not at all. That's the thing that like set her off and I'm like sorry, I can't control. If I'm like scared that we're about to get hit, how am I supposed to react to any differently?
Speaker 1:Mm, hmm, but. But what's the answer to that? Because your brain is answering it in a way that's keeping you stuck instead of the real answer, which is you can't. You're like how am I supposed to react differently? What is your lower brain telling you? You should react differently.
Speaker 2:But I should react differently, because then she won't be upset, respond Right, she won't respond, upset at me.
Speaker 1:Now we have like I can't Like.
Speaker 2:That is. That is just how I respond when it looks like something might happen that would damage car or life.
Speaker 1:Yes, like it's a natural response, right? So now you see it in the light of day, like your brain telling you like I need to be different, so she's happy. Like I need to be calmer. So when we say that out loud, the answer is I cannot be calmer because this is a physiological response to danger, to the point where it's, if she's like Mom, I don't want you to do that you almost want to laugh because you're like I can't help it, like I am legitimately scared so there's nothing I can do, right, instead of being upset with her and then upset with yourself trying to figure out how you can be better, it's okay, she doesn't get it. You cannot not be scared, right, okay, yeah, I like to answer those questions.
Speaker 1:When I hear myself and like what am I supposed to do, I like to pause and go like what is my brain answering that question? Because that's the problem child, that thought, right, okay. When I'm like what am I supposed to do? I know the real thought is like I'm supposed to be different than I am and I can't be any better than I am. But then I, when that's in the light of day, I can look at it and be like why? Why am I supposed to be different than I am? What? What would I be trying to achieve? What's the result that I would get from being different than I am? And it's usually trying to change other people, oh, it happened. Different than I am, so my child is happier.
Speaker 2:But those things, nothing I do is going to change. No, they are.
Speaker 1:No, she might just be a stressed out driver. She totally can think that somebody else can help her. That's fine and maybe it would. But you could just be like she's just a stressed out driver.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think she's just a stressed out driver.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and maybe bring some humor. You know, maybe laugh when you know the. I was terrified and we have to stop and talk about it because I don't want to get hit. But I told my son too. I said he took his first left turn into the seminary road and but there's, it's a really tiny little farm road and there's all these cars leaving seminary, so we had never done that turn. Where then he has to like correct right away, instead of like he turning, you know. So I'm like realizing, you know I hadn't taught it yet.
Speaker 1:No one teaches us how to teach driving. So I'm like turn your wheel, turn your wheel, you know. And like also with the left turns, I told him like if you're on a busier road, they're coming way faster so you can't decide to turn and then mosey your way over. If you decide to turn, you need to go for it, like. So I feel like if he was mad at me I would legitimately be laughing and be like I'm sorry, I care about my life, like we're going to talk about it. So it's OK for your daughter to be stressed out. She should be stressed out. That means she's like an attentive driver, right, right.
Speaker 1:So she's a tiered man At least she's not like a wild, you know driver.
Speaker 2:Well, but she's blaming the stress on me.
Speaker 1:That's all right. You know where the stress comes from, right your thoughts. Her, she's creating the stress, that's right. She thinks it's you, right. I mean most our kids mostly think all their problems come from us, especially when they're 15, especially when they're 15. Yeah, my son's 15.
Speaker 1:I feel like I feel, like I spend the most time with him and then I, I my kids know, I look at their texts and I'll see texts where he's like my parents basically want to ruin my life. I'm like, oh my gosh, these kids like I'm like really Like you're telling your friend this and I'm like friend this and I am there for you like 24, seven, but that's okay, cause you're like they're safe space, you're never going to leave them. They know you're going to show back up in the car, even if they say I wish dad was doing it. They know you're still going to come and you don't have to. But if you're like, no, I want to teach him how to drive and it doesn't hurt because I know it has nothing to do with me. The way she's feeling and even if it was your likeability, loveability, how great a mother you are, has nothing to do With her experience of you driving. That's just her experience.
Speaker 2:Right, okay, okay, I am. I feel like my mom needed this when, when my siblings and I were driving because I don't remember being annoyed I maybe I was I don't remember being annoyed, but I do remember my two years, two of my sisters who would get so irritated anytime because my mom didn't say much. She wouldn't, she wasn't like overly correcting, but if she got nervous she would sit in the chair and go. Yeah, I get on my husband drives, so yeah, I do it with my husband drives.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my husband's a little bit crazy, but they would get so annoyed at that sound, oh like, and they and they would comment on it and she would get hurt.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Right. So now I'm like, oh, I get it, I get why she felt hurt, yes, um, anyway, so she could have benefited from this.
Speaker 1:I think it's just that part of like having your own back when you answer that question like what am I supposed to do? It's like nothing.
Speaker 2:Right, that was fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah To be. I mean so when you have your own back, when you've already answered that question and they're like mom, don't do that. It's easy to laugh and be like sorry, like it's not changing. I, I'm sorry, I'm scared. There's no shame, right? I'm sorry that bothers you, but I literally can't help it. Right, right, so, and it's like it's all right, if you don't like driving with me, I'm the one you got. So you want to drive or not? Right, right, yeah, right.
Speaker 2:No, that makes sense.
Speaker 1:Okay, I tell you all the time, like we're literally in every same part of life. My son just got his permit too. And gosh, it's like oh yeah, yeah, yeah.