This episode gets back to the basics. And let me tell you, the basics are where it's at! Feeling better doesn't have to be complicated. In fact the simpler the strategy, the better. So if you were looking for something to make your life and your mood less complicated... this is for you!
interested in SHIFT? Want a free call with EMYLEE? Grab a spot for a free call here
Find more information and Free resources HERE:
https://hernextstep.limitlessfemalecoaching.com/landing-page-her-next-step
Have a question about the program or something you want answered on the podcast? Come chat with me on instagram!
@Limitlessfemale
This episode gets back to the basics. And let me tell you, the basics are where it's at! Feeling better doesn't have to be complicated. In fact the simpler the strategy, the better. So if you were looking for something to make your life and your mood less complicated... this is for you!
interested in SHIFT? Want a free call with EMYLEE? Grab a spot for a free call here
Find more information and Free resources HERE:
https://hernextstep.limitlessfemalecoaching.com/landing-page-her-next-step
Have a question about the program or something you want answered on the podcast? Come chat with me on instagram!
@Limitlessfemale
Hi, I'm Emily. With the Limitless Female podcast. You are listening to episode 128, external vs Internal Woman. Welcome. If you're a mama who is feeling all the feels of motherhood the ups and downs of hormones and maybe even depression then you are in the right place. Limitless Female is your confident inner voice, helping you master your mood and create the epic life that calls you. My goal is to show you just how enough you are, so you can show up limitless in your own life. Let's get started.
Speaker 1:Good morning everybody. It is such a treat because today I get to film or record my podcast at 3 pm, which is like prime time. The sun is out, I'm wide awake, my voice is warmed up, my kids aren't quite home from school yet. I've been on my afternoon walk. I'm just feeling invigorated.
Speaker 1:I've had this topic on my mind for a while and I am excited to get it out to you. This is getting down to the basics, but sometimes I forget to go there. Sometimes I get so excited about the deep learning and the intricacies of things and I almost want to teach you guys how to coach yourselves. I mean 24-7. I feel like that's what I'm doing with my clients in the shift membership, but every time I listen to another coaching session by another coach, I am reminded how powerful the basics are. They are powerful. There is no deep dive needed. All we need to do is get back to basics, and that's really been my favorite parenting tip for myself is get back to the basics. It doesn't need to be complicated. I don't need to know some crazy strategy. It's simple. That's one of the things I love about coaching. That really drew me to the model Brooke Castillo's model which I often call the happiness hack, because it feels like a happiness hack. It takes me from feeling confused, overwhelmed, out of control and kind of desperate, like I don't know what to do next, to simplifying everything, detangling all my thoughts and making it clear, making it evident, making me aware of what my next steps need to be. So we're going to go there today, you guys, we're going to do the basics. We're going to talk about external versus internal.
Speaker 1:So it is so important to recognize the difference because often our brain actually all the time your brain will tell you that the problem is something external. Now, it does that because external things look easier to fix. I've said this analogy before, but if you are the coke inside of a glass coke bottle right, it's really hard to read your own label. To see how much sugar is in your Coca Cola, to see how many carbohydrates are in there right. But it's really easy to see what is on everybody else's label. We can read what's going on inside that bottle, okay, or at least we think we can. So that's what it's like with external things.
Speaker 1:Your brain is always going to tell you that the problem in your life is something external, because your brain thinks I know what's happening and it's something I can fix. Okay. Never does your brain tell you it's something internal that you can fix. Now, the reason for this is really our primitive brain, right, that survival mode. It was focused on actual, physical, external circumstances and it was worried about those circumstances happening to you. And the way that your body would alert you to those circumstances was within emotion. Fear would signal danger, hunger would signal starvation. But now the world has changed, but you still have that primitive lower brain and it works really well in like flight, fight or freeze situations. However, most of us are not in those situations very often, and so when you have an emotional response to something like fear, your brain automatically thinks we're in danger. We got to change some kind of external circumstance. Okay, it doesn't think the danger is coming from a thought in your brain. It thinks the danger is a response to something external. Like a lion. Does this make sense? So this is why your brain is always going to land on external things.
Speaker 1:Now let's talk about what some external circumstances might be. These are things that are out of your control. Things like other people's behavior, maybe habits. If your husband has a habit of viewing porn, if your husband has a higher libido than you, if a child is having a certain mood that day or is struggling to wake up in the morning, maybe your child is going through something where they're being bullied at school. It could be something that is happening around you right, like the world is changing. Maybe during COVID, you were experiencing this external circumstance that felt like it was really affecting you. It can be being in any kind of relationship. We believe that this other person is part of that relationship, creating half of that relationship. Now, external can also be your current income. Now, it's not that you can't change your income, but the income amount on your bank stake in two day cannot be changed. We could change it in the future, but two day. That's how it is Okay. The other thing might be your current physical shape, whether that's weight, whether that's illness or health. That is an external circumstance you cannot change at this moment. We could have different thoughts about it in the future. But when we're talking about our present experience, we need to think about two day. When we think about external, internal, when you think about right now, two day and I'll explain that in a minute about why that those are also external circumstances.
Speaker 1:People's opinions, those are external. I know sometimes it feels like we can change people's opinions and it's certainly worth the shot, but it becomes a problem when we hang our feelings on other people's opinions. If people have opinions about politics that we don't agree on and we feel like it's stifling our family relationship, that might be something you want to take a look at, because that's something you cannot change today. Like I said, you could change it in the future. But today, what are we working with? Their opinions? They're going to have opinions about you. They're going to have opinions about your parenting. Everybody formulates opinions based on their experience in their own life and based on what they think they can see on the outside label of your bottle. That is external.
Speaker 1:Like I said, your current health or diagnosis is also an external thing. It is an external circumstance that you cannot change right this moment. Also, other people's choices. You're going to have a lot of experiences in your life where you are affected by other people's choices. Now, I say affected because we're not going to be able to manage our thoughts on every single circumstance. You will be at the effect of different circumstances in your life because of your own brain or because of. One more thing I would like to tell you is league champion, just the way this life works, right Cause and effect. But just know that other people's choices whether that's driving drunk or, you know, choosing a different faith than yours or choosing to do something you wouldn't do other people's choices are external. Your brain is always going to land on those things to be the problem, okay?
Speaker 1:So a lot of times my clients will ask how do I feel happy about something that's external, when I don't think it's good? And the first thing we have to hit on is that the goal is not to always feel happy. The goal is to feel how you want to feel, because that's the reason we're here talking about this. Right it's? I don't feel the way I want to feel on a daily basis. We can talk about you know our actions and the way we're showing up. We can talk about circumstances we want changed or how we want to be different or how we'd like our life to be different, but ultimately, you want to feel something different than what you're feeling. This is the why we do and don't do anything is we're after an emotion. We want to feel relief, we want to feel at ease. We don't want to feel out of control in our life. We don't want to feel frustrated, we want to feel happy, we want to feel excited, we want to feel motivated. We're after an emotion. This is why we do or don't do anything, okay.
Speaker 1:So, in order to change the way we feel, in order to figure out how to change and create something new in our life, we have to figure out what are the internal circumstances? Okay, what is internal? And anything internally, guys, is not even going to be a circumstance. Anything internal is going to be a thought, feeling, action or result. It's the whole other part of the model that I talk about. So it's not a circumstance, it's a thought, feeling, action or result.
Speaker 1:And here are some examples of internal things the way you feel. Like I said, feelings are internal, whether you feel conflicted or frustrated. Internal, whether you feel excited or motivated. Internal and internal is in your control. This is what's inside the soda bottle. Okay, this is what you can control and pay attention to. Other things will be the way you think, the way you choose to think about these external circumstances. So, while you might not be able to change your weight today, you can choose the way you think about your weight today, what you choose to think about it. Do you choose to believe that it's bad, that it's good, that it's ugly, that it's beautiful, that it's capable, that it's incapable? What are you choosing to believe? That is internal? What thoughts are you choosing to have? Now, these don't need to be positive thoughts. I just want you guys to notice that they are yours. This is the part you get to control. You get to control the way you think about it. This doesn't mean you need to think something great about your husband's habits. This means that just pay attention to what you are thinking, because this is the part you can control the way you're thinking about it.
Speaker 1:The way that you feel about something is internal how much desire you have when it comes to intimacy. That's internal. A lot of that's internal. There's parts of it, obviously, that come from arousal and stimulation, but most of it is internal. When we're talking about the emotion of desire, not the sensation of desire, that's internal. We talk about motivation, that's internal. Okay, that's something you can control.
Speaker 1:When we talk about anger or betrayal, that's internal. Now, again, I want to say it doesn't make it less important, less real to experience. Just because it's something in your control does not make it less powerful or harmful or horrible. To feel Betrayal feels awful. But it is so important to know that. That is an internal thing. That is something that is in your power when you're ready, if you want to, if that's why you're here, if you want to change the results in your life, if you want to feel different. That is something internal. What else is internal? Our actions, how we show up, is internal. This is something that we get to do. You know why? Because it's fueled by our thoughts and our feelings, which are internal. When we talk about wanting to show up, and do I want to have a calm conversation or do I want to have a really rowdy conversation or a really combative conversation. That's all going to be determined by something internal. This is the circumstance. It's the action. But this is really the circumstance when we're talking about future stuff, when we say, okay, but I can change my weight, so that's not really in external circumstance. Well, your current weight is external, but your future weight is internal. It all has to do with the way that you think and feel internally and you can create that. Then the result is going to be something that you can create with those thought, feelings and actions, which would be how you think, feel, which creates how you show up.
Speaker 1:The biggest question I ask my clients when they're trying to figure out how do I want to show up in this situation? I love this question. It's what do you want more of in your life? What do you want less of in your life? Just to provide you guys with a really clear example I have coached so many women on intimacy, and so I'm going to give you the example of clients who have asked me hey, my spouse has a higher sex drive than I do. He has a higher libido. I have a lower libido. I need help. We're at an impasse, we're constantly arguing about it and I don't know how I should act? Should I just tell myself that it will improve our relationship and just show up more, even though I don't want to? Or should I tell myself that I'm in control, I get to do what I want, but then we never have sex anymore because we're not together, because I am constantly digging my feet in? I feel like this is something that most of you guys can relate to, being on either side of the spectrum. Now, when coaching this client, we asked what do you want more of? And most of my clients will come to the conclusion that they want a better relationship.
Speaker 1:And a relationship is internal y'all, because a relationship is really your experience of the relationship. It's your thoughts about the other person, your thoughts about you in regards to the relationship and what you think they think about you. So relationships are part of this internal part. It's the part you can control. So when we ask the women that I work with what do you want more of? What do you want less of? When we're talking about libido, why does this matter to you the answer I often get is I want a better relationship. This is just the way they thought they needed to get there. Okay, that they needed to be intimate more often and they needed to figure out either they needed to be more intimate or their spouse needed to have a lower libido so that they can stop this conflict.
Speaker 1:And going up the ladder right, walking backward in the model and asking how would you need to show up to have a better relationship? They'd say I want to connect, I want to listen more, I want him to listen to me, I want to be on the same page. And then we ask how would you need to feel to show up that way? Right, and they would need to feel in control In order to cuddle more. They want to feel in control. They don't want to cuddle if they feel like it's going to lead to something I don't want to do right now, or it's going to take away from time of all these chores I have to do, or it's going to be a chore Right. So they're going to need to feel in a way that does not lead them to run away. If you feel out of control, you're going to want to step away and gain control right. But if you feel in control, you're going to want to stay in the situation. Everybody wants to feel in control for the most part, right.
Speaker 1:It's really hard for us to give control, especially as women. So when you decide, ok, I want to feel in control, that's the emotion that I want, and then to figure out the thought, right, the crown of all of this internal work is what do I need to think to feel that way? That's the question. That's how we get there. The thought was I'm in control, I get to choose.
Speaker 1:But one of the things that I see many women grapple with is that they keep looping on the circumstance. So if you're finding it challenging to think about an internal circumstance, to try to change an internal thing with an internal thought, it's probably because you're looping on the external. You keep jumping back to yes, but we need to be intimate more often. Or yes, but my husband needs to want me less. Or yes, but I need to have a higher desire. Or OK, that's a great thought, but intimacy is necessary for a healthy relationship. Ok, I want you to know that that is all external, and as long as you keep looping on the external circumstance, you won't be able to really change that thought and create the actual goal. Because remember when I asked you what do you want more of or less of in your life. We said a better relationship. Isn't that like? The underlying thing is the relationship Because, like we said, I need more intimacy in order to have a better relationship.
Speaker 1:This is like a really nice sounding thought that many of us have about intimacy. That does not serve many of us. When we believe it's necessary to have intimacy for a happy marriage, we feel out of control, right. It feels like an obligation or a chore that's going to be the last thing to create desire for you. So in this example, you can see that, even though you've done the internal work, you're going to find it hard to believe the thought you're trying to think and to actually have a great relationship as long as you keep looping back to the circumstance. Remember, if it's external, it will not change what you want. More of or less of it will not give you a better relationship, even if we've been told this by a leader or by somebody really important to us, or by a parent or by a pastor.
Speaker 1:The only thing I want you to pay attention to is is this thought creating more of what I want or less of what I want? And here's how you can check the thought. Two questions Number one do I believe it. And number two how do I feel when I sink it? Is it creating an empowering emotion? Is it creating a settling emotion? Is it creating a frustrating emotion? Do I feel stuck? Do I feel overwhelmed? You get to choose how you want to feel, moving forward about internal things. You get to choose and you get to create more of what you want.
Speaker 1:But just pay attention to your sneaky brain that's going to continue to loop back on external things like intimacy or food or weight, or people's opinions, or your diagnosis or health conditions, the weather. Your brain is going to constantly want to loop back on those things. As long as you remember that those things will not create the result you want. The result you want never was something external. Okay, it never was. It's always going to be something internal because, remember, you're always really after an emotion, a feeling. Okay, you're always after something like that. So all we need to do is pay attention to the internal and we can let go of the external, especially when it comes to something that you cannot control right Everything external. You will just be like banging your head against the wall, like why can't I fix this intimacy problem? Why can't I have intimacy with my spouse more often and be super happy about it and we never having your conversations about it. Remember we got to separate out external for internal, and that will be so powerful.
Speaker 1:The final thing I want to say about this topic is that always start with awareness, and this happens by telling ourselves where our current feelings really coming from. They're not coming from the external, they are coming from the internal. So why we can do all this internal work to improve our future outcomes, what we want more of in our life. We always have to start by being honest with where our current feelings, actions and results are coming from. They're not coming from anything external. They're not coming from your husband's libido or your income or your weight or your diagnosis or other people's opinions of you. Your current outcome and your current feelings are coming from the way you are thinking about those circumstances.
Speaker 1:You have a lot of really great reasons to think those things. Like I told you, your primitive brain is trying to keep you safe. It's trying to keep save you energy. It's trying to seek pleasure. So you have a lot of great reasons, but just know that your brain is sneaky and that you just have to stay on top of it. And if you ever don't stay on top of it. You're human. That's the answer to that. You're not behind. You're not doing it wrong. You're not not good at this. You shouldn't be better or further along. You're human.
Speaker 1:Tools are only there because you will struggle. If nobody struggled with this, this tool would not exist. Coaching would not exist. It is an ongoing process. Tools are there for something that continues to pop up, like we have a hammer, because we will continually need to hang frames or fix things around the house. Things will get broken over time. We'll need to do some maintenance, right? Isn't that the definition of maintenance? Like ongoing work? Okay, that's what tools are there for. It's not a one and done situation, and nothing in life really is. Everything that you pick up along the way, every skill, is really just a tool. They get to apply next time you have something that breaks or that gets undone. It's not fix it once and be done.
Speaker 1:So you are right on track, girlfriend or boyfriend, and I'm just so glad you're here today. Thank you for listening. If you guys have something you want me to coach you on on the podcast, even without you here just answering a question, feel free to leave it below in the comment section, or there is actually a question or section in Spotify as well as a review section in Apple podcast. You can also email me at limitlessfemale at gmailcom and I will come and answer your questions on the podcast or answer them through email. I am so glad to see you guys this week and I will talk to you guys next week. Bye, bye. If you have questions about anything you've learned here on the podcast or want to help with something going on in your own life, hop on a free coaching call with me. In just 30 minutes you'll have real tools for your unique situation. Go to limitlessfemalecoachingcom. Forward, slash, work with me, or you can find a link in the show notes below, just or limit it. So grab one before you miss it.