{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":15.77,"endTime":18.54,"body":"Dhalia never"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":15.77,"endTime":18.54,"body":"showed me nothing but kindness."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":20.55,"endTime":23.01,"body":"She would say, I know how sad you get."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":25.23,"endTime":28.32,"body":"And some days I still get"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":25.23,"endTime":28.32,"body":"that way, but it gets better."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":28.74,"endTime":29.55,"body":"It gets better."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":30.0,"endTime":30.84,"body":"It gets better."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":31.26,"endTime":33.27,"body":"Sweetie, it gets better, I promise you."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":34.5,"endTime":35.76,"body":"And she'd tell me, she'd tell me."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":36.04,"endTime":39.51,"body":"Your heart is a muscle"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":36.04,"endTime":39.51,"body":"the size of your fist."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":39.51,"endTime":39.99,"body":"Keep on loving."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":39.99,"endTime":40.85,"body":"Keep on fighting."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":41.025,"endTime":42.394,"body":"And Hold on, hold on."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":44.165,"endTime":45.515,"body":"Hold on for your life"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":55.954,"endTime":56.554,"body":".. ."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":55.954,"endTime":56.554,"body":"Hecate: Hi there."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":56.707,"endTime":58.057,"body":"Thank you so much for joining me."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":58.597,"endTime":63.607,"body":"I'm Hecate, and this is Finding OK,"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":58.597,"endTime":63.607,"body":"a healing podcast for survivors of"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":63.607,"endTime":66.667,"body":"sexual assault and any and all abuse."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":67.327,"endTime":70.027,"body":"When survivors share, we share strength."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":70.194,"endTime":71.604,"body":"You are not alone."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":72.454,"endTime":75.224,"body":"Today I'm excited to share"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":72.454,"endTime":75.224,"body":"my interview with Monika."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":75.549,"endTime":80.909,"body":"Monika is a Polish LGBTQ+ comic artist"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":75.549,"endTime":80.909,"body":"and she's best known for her popular"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":80.909,"endTime":87.359,"body":"series, My Secret Lesbian Comics, which"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":80.909,"endTime":87.359,"body":"has over 28,000 subscribers on Webtoon."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":88.109,"endTime":93.299,"body":"But she also has a side project which"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":88.109,"endTime":93.299,"body":"folks may not know about, and it's a"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":93.299,"endTime":95.739,"body":"comic called Self-pity Social Club."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":96.149,"endTime":102.034,"body":"Monika is a survivor of child abuse and is"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":96.149,"endTime":102.034,"body":"processing her trauma and finding healing"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":102.034,"endTime":104.434,"body":"through her work on Self-pity Social Club."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":104.707,"endTime":108.787,"body":"I hope you check it out because art"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":104.707,"endTime":108.787,"body":"and storytelling is so important"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":108.847,"endTime":114.247,"body":"and can sometimes help readers or"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":108.847,"endTime":114.247,"body":"viewers better process and understand"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":114.247,"endTime":119.227,"body":"their own trauma and experiences"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":114.247,"endTime":119.227,"body":"just by seeing it expressed visually."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":120.077,"endTime":124.447,"body":"Monika and I spoke about her abusive"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":120.077,"endTime":124.447,"body":"mother, the events that helped her"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":124.447,"endTime":128.957,"body":"decide to go no contact, and how she's"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":124.447,"endTime":128.957,"body":"been navigating that within her family."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":129.45,"endTime":132.51,"body":"I do want to add some context"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":129.45,"endTime":132.51,"body":"before we get into it."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":133.05,"endTime":139.75,"body":"This interview was recorded in  2024,"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":133.05,"endTime":139.75,"body":"just as I was halting podcast production"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":139.78,"endTime":144.61,"body":"and heading into a mental health break"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":139.78,"endTime":144.61,"body":"that ended up being over a year long."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":145.43,"endTime":149.2,"body":"Monika agreed to the interview knowing"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":145.43,"endTime":149.2,"body":"it would be a while before it aired,"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":149.26,"endTime":152.05,"body":"but neither of us knew exactly how long."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":152.407,"endTime":156.547,"body":"She was so kind and so"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":152.407,"endTime":156.547,"body":"understanding about the whole"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":156.547,"endTime":159.337,"body":"thing, and I am still so grateful."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":160.177,"endTime":164.317,"body":"So I just wanted you to know about"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":160.177,"endTime":164.317,"body":"that time gap because there are some"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":164.317,"endTime":168.367,"body":"moments where we'll talk about the"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":164.317,"endTime":168.367,"body":"political climate, especially for"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":168.367,"endTime":173.467,"body":"trans folks, and I need you to know"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":168.367,"endTime":173.467,"body":"that it's from last year and we're"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":173.467,"endTime":176.767,"body":"not just deeply, deeply out of touch."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":177.11,"endTime":180.44,"body":"Also, please know that she's done"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":177.11,"endTime":180.44,"body":"so much more incredible work since"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":180.44,"endTime":184.26,"body":"this was recorded, and that you can"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":180.44,"endTime":184.26,"body":"go check that out and get updates"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":184.26,"endTime":186.39,"body":"on her story by reading her comics."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":187.23,"endTime":188.97,"body":"So if you're listening."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":189.57,"endTime":194.64,"body":"And you've ever been in a rough place"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":189.57,"endTime":194.64,"body":"and had someone be really incredible"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":194.64,"endTime":200.79,"body":"and patient with you, please know"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":194.64,"endTime":200.79,"body":"that that was Monika, and please"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":200.79,"endTime":205.8,"body":"celebrate and reward that empathy"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":200.79,"endTime":205.8,"body":"and kindness by supporting her work."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":206.88,"endTime":207.75,"body":"Now let's get into it."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":210.181,"endTime":213.961,"body":"Trigger and content warnings for"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":210.181,"endTime":213.961,"body":"this episode include the following."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":214.579,"endTime":221.179,"body":"Child abuse, PTSD, depression,"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":214.579,"endTime":221.179,"body":"suicide, and strong language."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":221.749,"endTime":225.319,"body":"Please check in with yourself and make"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":221.749,"endTime":225.319,"body":"sure you're all right to continue."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":226.404,"endTime":229.914,"body":"If you enjoy the podcast, please"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":226.404,"endTime":229.914,"body":"consider supporting my work"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":229.914,"endTime":231.504,"body":"by becoming a Patreon member."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":232.304,"endTime":238.014,"body":"Tiers start as low as $1 a month, and"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":232.304,"endTime":238.014,"body":"membership at any level changes my life."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":238.674,"endTime":243.234,"body":"Tier three and four patrons gain"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":238.674,"endTime":243.234,"body":"early access to Finding OK episodes,"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":243.654,"endTime":247.374,"body":"as well as a supplemental Patron"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":243.654,"endTime":247.374,"body":"Podcast called Finding More."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":247.374,"endTime":251.334,"body":"Tier four Patrons, get early"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":247.374,"endTime":251.334,"body":"access to video episodes of both"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":251.334,"endTime":253.464,"body":"Finding OK and Finding More."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":253.551,"endTime":259.281,"body":"Creating this podcast takes an incredible"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":253.551,"endTime":259.281,"body":"amount of time, energy, and emotional"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":259.281,"endTime":264.957,"body":"labor,  and so if you believe what I'm"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":259.281,"endTime":264.957,"body":"creating has value and you believe in"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":264.957,"endTime":269.697,"body":"supporting survivors and compensating"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":264.957,"endTime":269.697,"body":"them for their labor, please click"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":269.697,"endTime":273.507,"body":"the link in episode notes to learn"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":269.697,"endTime":273.507,"body":"more about membership benefits."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":273.61,"endTime":278.4,"body":"Finding OK is funded entirely"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":273.61,"endTime":278.4,"body":"by the generosity of Patrons"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":278.79,"endTime":280.05,"body":"and listeners like you."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":280.523,"endTime":281.063,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":281.44,"endTime":283.65,"body":"Thank you so much for joining me."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":283.7,"endTime":286.19,"body":"And I wanted to start"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":283.7,"endTime":286.19,"body":"by asking, are you okay?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":287.55,"endTime":288.53,"body":"Thank you for having me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":288.53,"endTime":289.85,"body":"I'm really happy to see you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":289.9,"endTime":291.28,"body":"And I'm pretty good these days."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":291.29,"endTime":291.84,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":292.07,"endTime":292.41,"body":"Nice."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":292.44,"endTime":293.53,"body":"Probably better than ever."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":294.28,"endTime":296.04,"body":"What's making it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":294.28,"endTime":296.04,"body":"better than ever these days?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":297.205,"endTime":300.225,"body":"Uh, well, just the fact that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":297.205,"endTime":300.225,"body":"I don't speak to my mother anymore"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":300.655,"endTime":304.835,"body":"and, and, um, the flying monkeys have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":300.655,"endTime":304.835,"body":"finally calmed down with pressuring"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":304.835,"endTime":308.365,"body":"me  into putting her back in my life"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":304.835,"endTime":308.365,"body":"because all the other family members"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":308.615,"endTime":310.185,"body":"can't admit that she's mental."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":311.065,"endTime":313.875,"body":"So they're kind of like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":311.065,"endTime":313.875,"body":"yeah, we understand."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":313.875,"endTime":316.205,"body":"So, so that's better."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":316.205,"endTime":320.125,"body":"And also I realized, um, I should"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":316.205,"endTime":320.125,"body":"combat stress by just telling"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":320.135,"endTime":322.705,"body":"myself that art is my main job."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":323.645,"endTime":325.975,"body":"And my daytime job is irrelevant."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":327.595,"endTime":331.095,"body":"And so I've been trying to do"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":327.595,"endTime":331.095,"body":"that and use that to stress less"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":331.095,"endTime":332.405,"body":"about my daytime job, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":332.985,"endTime":335.075,"body":"So, that's been helpful."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":335.575,"endTime":336.245,"body":"That's wonderful."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":336.275,"endTime":338.175,"body":"Those are two huge shifts."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":339.005,"endTime":341.105,"body":"So, congratulations on both of them."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":341.155,"endTime":341.545,"body":"Wow."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":342.365,"endTime":342.725,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":342.725,"endTime":344.995,"body":"Well, actually, I haven't been"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":342.725,"endTime":344.995,"body":"speaking to my mother for over"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":344.995,"endTime":346.355,"body":"three years, so it's not new."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":346.355,"endTime":347.535,"body":"But"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":347.535,"endTime":349.455,"body":"I mean, the flying"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":347.535,"endTime":349.455,"body":"monkeys calming down."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":349.465,"endTime":351.295,"body":"Like, that always makes a huge difference."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":352.04,"endTime":352.23,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":352.31,"endTime":353.63,"body":"Yes, there's only one left."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":353.63,"endTime":356.91,"body":"I, I'm shocked he, it's crazy"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":353.63,"endTime":356.91,"body":"because it's my dad actually."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":356.91,"endTime":360.4,"body":"So he doesn't speak to her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":356.91,"endTime":360.4,"body":"because of what she did to me,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":360.8,"endTime":362.32,"body":"but he wants me to speak to her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":362.33,"endTime":364.93,"body":"And I'm like, where's the logic in that?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":364.93,"endTime":365.09,"body":"Like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":365.09,"endTime":365.66,"body":"Make it make sense!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":365.66,"endTime":367.42,"body":"You can, yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":368.0,"endTime":370.06,"body":"If you can't stand her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":368.0,"endTime":370.06,"body":"then please don't make me."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":371.18,"endTime":371.39,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":371.44,"endTime":373.06,"body":"I think a lot of it is generational."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":373.06,"endTime":377.11,"body":"I hear a lot of conversation about, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":373.06,"endTime":377.11,"body":"there being this generational shift where"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":377.43,"endTime":381.63,"body":"older generations have this, familial"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":377.43,"endTime":381.63,"body":"responsibility of, like, \"she's your"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":381.63,"endTime":385.92,"body":"mother\", or, like, \"they're your parent\","},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":381.63,"endTime":385.92,"body":"like, \"you only get one, like, you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":385.92,"endTime":391.51,"body":"should\",  the, millennials onward tend to,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":385.92,"endTime":391.51,"body":"to be more willing to just be like, no,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":391.51,"endTime":397.11,"body":"like, you have to treat me well, or if you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":391.51,"endTime":397.11,"body":"haven't, you have to take responsibility"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":397.11,"endTime":400.18,"body":"for that, and if you can't, then you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":397.11,"endTime":400.18,"body":"don't get to be a part of my life."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":400.27,"endTime":405.35,"body":"Just not a lot of, uh, of understanding"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":400.27,"endTime":405.35,"body":"in between the generations in terms of,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":405.36,"endTime":407.79,"body":"like, that's an okay decision to make."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":408.67,"endTime":410.91,"body":"Yes, I do think"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":408.67,"endTime":410.91,"body":"millennials and younger care"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":410.93,"endTime":412.67,"body":"much more about mental health."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":413.11,"endTime":416.29,"body":"Whereas the older generations were just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":413.11,"endTime":416.29,"body":"like, well, let's drink beer every day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":416.29,"endTime":420.07,"body":"That's mental health sorted."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":420.07,"endTime":420.3,"body":"Fixed it!"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":420.33,"endTime":420.69,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":421.42,"endTime":422.23,"body":"No problem."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":422.97,"endTime":423.34,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":424.35,"endTime":428.58,"body":"I think that very, very much like a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":424.35,"endTime":428.58,"body":"different dynamic,  I guess maybe, you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":428.58,"endTime":432.94,"body":"know, kind of depends like on, on like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":428.58,"endTime":432.94,"body":"class structure as well, but like a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":432.99,"endTime":437.57,"body":"generational,  mindset of,  well, you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":432.99,"endTime":437.57,"body":"just work until you die and, uh, and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":437.57,"endTime":442.37,"body":"just like,  yeah, and I, I think like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":437.57,"endTime":442.37,"body":"when, when you shift away from that and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":442.4,"endTime":446.7,"body":"prioritize mental health,  I think just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":442.4,"endTime":446.7,"body":"a number of shifts, generationally,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":446.71,"endTime":448.66,"body":"so I think they're all interconnected,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":448.68,"endTime":449.75,"body":"Yes, I'm very interested to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":449.75,"endTime":452.28,"body":"see what the world will look"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":449.75,"endTime":452.28,"body":"like in another 20 years."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":453.41,"endTime":455.77,"body":"Yes, I am as well."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":456.09,"endTime":456.67,"body":"Nervous."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":456.78,"endTime":456.95,"body":"Yes!"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":456.95,"endTime":457.89,"body":"But, interested"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":460.07,"endTime":464.17,"body":"I'm not like, I'm grateful"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":460.07,"endTime":464.17,"body":"that I live in times where everything"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":464.17,"endTime":467.62,"body":"is changing at a quick pace, because I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":464.17,"endTime":467.62,"body":"think if I were one of those people in"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":467.62,"endTime":471.8,"body":"1600s who were just milking cows their"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":467.62,"endTime":471.8,"body":"whole life, I would be very bored."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":472.53,"endTime":475.24,"body":"But I like that there's changes,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":472.53,"endTime":475.24,"body":"there's always like new technologies."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":475.905,"endTime":477.645,"body":"You know, uh, more awareness."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":477.645,"endTime":479.715,"body":"So I, I, I'm positive about the future."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":479.715,"endTime":480.495,"body":"I think it'll be better."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":481.405,"endTime":482.545,"body":"I like that mindset."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":482.605,"endTime":482.905,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":482.905,"endTime":489.395,"body":"It's, it's been, it's been hard lately"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":482.905,"endTime":489.395,"body":"and yeah, like a lot of, like big, big"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":489.395,"endTime":492.815,"body":"changes, big shifts happening right"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":489.395,"endTime":492.815,"body":"now, but I completely agree with you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":492.815,"endTime":492.905,"body":"Mm-hmm."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":492.905,"endTime":495.245,"body":"Like, I, I would rather be alive."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":495.575,"endTime":499.855,"body":"Like, in modern times, rather than"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":495.575,"endTime":499.855,"body":"any other, especially being like, a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":499.855,"endTime":502.015,"body":"femme person or a queer person, or"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":502.035,"endTime":502.585,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":504.135,"endTime":504.495,"body":"Absolutely."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":504.945,"endTime":507.875,"body":"Not that it's, not that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":504.945,"endTime":507.875,"body":"it's easier, or like, completely"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":508.065,"endTime":511.675,"body":"like, aces all the way,  but"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":508.065,"endTime":511.675,"body":"certainly better than it has been"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":511.675,"endTime":515.175,"body":"Now, I'm not gonna get murdered"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":511.675,"endTime":515.175,"body":"for it, uh, you know, by the state."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":515.375,"endTime":516.845,"body":"So, uh, that's, that's a plus."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":517.115,"endTime":518.835,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":518.835,"endTime":520.495,"body":"Less likely to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":518.835,"endTime":520.495,"body":"be murdered for it, I'll"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":520.495,"endTime":520.795,"body":"say, yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":521.195,"endTime":524.685,"body":"Yes, yes, yes, of course, of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":521.195,"endTime":524.685,"body":"course, trans minorities still have it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":524.775,"endTime":527.765,"body":"bad, um, and I do feel for them, yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":529.685,"endTime":534.845,"body":"And I, I wanted to mention, before"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":529.685,"endTime":534.845,"body":"talking to you, I just reread, like, all"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":534.845,"endTime":540.005,"body":"your work, and, uh, and was loving, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":534.845,"endTime":540.005,"body":"the, the more recent stuff, too, and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":540.015,"endTime":544.185,"body":"every time I see one of your, I love all"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":540.015,"endTime":544.185,"body":"of it, but every time I see one of your"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":544.205,"endTime":550.16,"body":"comics, that is like trans inclusive and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":544.205,"endTime":550.16,"body":"affirming or like fuck TERFs I'm like yes!"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":550.55,"endTime":552.82,"body":"And it makes me so happy thank you for"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":553.18,"endTime":553.46,"body":"doing that!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":553.86,"endTime":558.86,"body":"Yes I'm actually consciously doing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":553.86,"endTime":558.86,"body":"that on purpose because I do follow every"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":558.86,"endTime":561.41,"body":"um lesbian comic artist I can find right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":561.82,"endTime":566.33,"body":"And I almost never see them mentioning"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":561.82,"endTime":566.33,"body":"that topic if they're cis so I'm like"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":566.33,"endTime":570.06,"body":"well but I'm cis but I have something to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":566.33,"endTime":570.06,"body":"say because I have trans lesbian friends"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":570.51,"endTime":572.41,"body":"and like why why is their life so hard?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":572.965,"endTime":574.445,"body":"Like, can anybody just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":572.965,"endTime":574.445,"body":"leave them alone, please?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":574.485,"endTime":574.785,"body":"Like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":574.785,"endTime":575.155,"body":"Yeah,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":575.865,"endTime":576.585,"body":"absolutely, yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":576.585,"endTime":580.055,"body":"Yeah,  beautiful, beautiful"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":576.585,"endTime":580.055,"body":"sapphic women that, like, deserve"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":580.055,"endTime":582.195,"body":"to be uplifted and,  acknowledged."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":582.275,"endTime":584.825,"body":"Especially, like, in the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":582.275,"endTime":584.825,"body":"circles that they're a part of."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":584.835,"endTime":586.995,"body":"So, like, I just, I so appreciate that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":587.015,"endTime":588.025,"body":"Yeah, awesome."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":588.135,"endTime":592.205,"body":"Yes, I actually feel like, I have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":588.135,"endTime":592.205,"body":"a conspiracy theory, if you don't mind."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":592.555,"endTime":595.985,"body":"I have a conspiracy theory that the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":592.555,"endTime":595.985,"body":"governments are pushing the trans"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":596.005,"endTime":598.245,"body":"hate because it's an easy scapegoat."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":598.935,"endTime":602.515,"body":"To like, this divert the attention,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":598.935,"endTime":602.515,"body":"you know, the public's attention"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":602.515,"endTime":605.205,"body":"from actual issues, you know,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":602.515,"endTime":605.205,"body":"like where are our taxes going?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":605.445,"endTime":606.985,"body":"Why are the rich people getting richer?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":607.535,"endTime":609.955,"body":"And they're like, oh no, look,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":607.535,"endTime":609.955,"body":"um, trans woman using bathroom."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":609.975,"endTime":611.145,"body":"Be angry at that, not at me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":611.215,"endTime":612.965,"body":"I'm convinced this is what's happening."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":613.075,"endTime":616.595,"body":"See, I don't even see that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":613.075,"endTime":616.595,"body":"as a conspiracy theory because that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":616.745,"endTime":620.655,"body":"is so straight up what's happening"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":616.745,"endTime":620.655,"body":"where I'm just sort of like, no, like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":620.655,"endTime":624.455,"body":"we're, we're not gonna put that in"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":620.655,"endTime":624.455,"body":"like the same realm of  Bigfoot, that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":624.455,"endTime":626.915,"body":"is 100% what's happening right now."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":626.915,"endTime":627.365,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":627.605,"endTime":627.725,"body":"I see."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":627.725,"endTime":627.785,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":627.905,"endTime":632.195,"body":"Like trans folks, minorities,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":627.905,"endTime":632.195,"body":"like all that, all that hatred"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":632.195,"endTime":635.765,"body":"is, is just to, you know, just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":632.195,"endTime":635.765,"body":"very much like, look over here."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":635.835,"endTime":636.555,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":636.835,"endTime":640.145,"body":"Yes, like it used to be like that with"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":636.835,"endTime":640.145,"body":"gay people, and now it's no longer"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":640.275,"endTime":644.595,"body":"\"cool\", quote marks, to hate gay"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":640.275,"endTime":644.595,"body":"people, so they just chose an escape"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":644.595,"endTime":646.425,"body":"word, and that's, um, that's horrible."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":646.635,"endTime":648.875,"body":"I can't remember what"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":646.635,"endTime":648.875,"body":"country you're in right now,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":648.915,"endTime":650.095,"body":"because I know that you're Polish."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":650.095,"endTime":650.165,"body":"Right, yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":650.165,"endTime":652.515,"body":"Are you in Poland, or,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":650.165,"endTime":652.515,"body":"living in a different country?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":652.515,"endTime":652.69,"body":"So"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":652.69,"endTime":654.105,"body":"I'm Polish, but I live in England."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":654.445,"endTime":654.915,"body":"England."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":654.915,"endTime":655.295,"body":"Okay."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":655.935,"endTime":659.875,"body":"I don't know how it is over there right"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":655.935,"endTime":659.875,"body":"now, but like, we've got a whole bunch"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":659.875,"endTime":665.505,"body":"more, uh, just like within, within this"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":659.875,"endTime":665.505,"body":"year, I think since like 2024 started."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":665.505,"endTime":666.255,"body":"So just."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":666.475,"endTime":670.375,"body":"a month and I, I think it's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":666.475,"endTime":670.375,"body":"like hundreds of,  of anti trans"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":670.385,"endTime":671.675,"body":"bills just like hit the deck."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":671.675,"endTime":676.405,"body":"And it's just like, this"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":671.675,"endTime":676.405,"body":"is obscene and ridiculous."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":676.865,"endTime":677.765,"body":"And I would love"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":678.035,"endTime":678.452,"body":"if we could be done with this."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":678.452,"endTime":678.965,"body":"We don't have it easy here."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":679.935,"endTime":684.835,"body":"Like I know a lot of trans women get"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":679.935,"endTime":684.835,"body":"their estrogen illegally because the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":684.835,"endTime":687.075,"body":"waiting list on NHS is extremely long."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":687.125,"endTime":689.265,"body":"I know the politicians"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":687.125,"endTime":689.265,"body":"keep mentioning that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":689.79,"endTime":693.45,"body":"And again, I think that's a diversion"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":689.79,"endTime":693.45,"body":"tactic, like oh my god, it's not"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":693.45,"endTime":695.9,"body":"that big of a deal, like why do"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":693.45,"endTime":695.9,"body":"we care about gender so much?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":695.9,"endTime":699.7,"body":"Like, it doesn't matter, let's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":695.9,"endTime":699.7,"body":"have 500 genders, who cares?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":699.74,"endTime":699.94,"body":"Like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":699.94,"endTime":700.09,"body":"Yeah!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":700.3,"endTime":700.79,"body":"Get your own problems."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":700.79,"endTime":702.7,"body":"Yeah!"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":703.16,"endTime":706.42,"body":"I just, I just don't, yeah, I don't,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":703.16,"endTime":706.42,"body":"I don't get, like, what the, what the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":706.42,"endTime":710.43,"body":"problem is, and it, like, whenever,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":706.42,"endTime":710.43,"body":"whenever someone says that, um,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":710.43,"endTime":713.01,"body":"that thing that's supposed to scare"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":710.43,"endTime":713.01,"body":"you, like, well, how many genders?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":713.02,"endTime":716.355,"body":"And it's just sort of, like, You"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":713.02,"endTime":716.355,"body":"can have all of them and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":716.565,"endTime":720.145,"body":"like, like you haven't reached the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":716.565,"endTime":720.145,"body":"point in your  scary argument where"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":720.175,"endTime":722.775,"body":"anything is actually hurting anybody."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":722.775,"endTime":722.885,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":723.435,"endTime":726.565,"body":"And if you don't make that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":723.435,"endTime":726.565,"body":"point, I'm sorry,  then the next"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":726.565,"endTime":731.015,"body":"step is for you just, just to accept"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":726.565,"endTime":731.015,"body":"that,  more people maybe exist than"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":731.015,"endTime":734.895,"body":"you thought or like in ways that you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":731.015,"endTime":734.895,"body":"don't, don't understand and that maybe"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":734.895,"endTime":736.785,"body":"you just have to learn something new."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":736.855,"endTime":737.165,"body":"And."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":737.975,"endTime":741.635,"body":"That that's okay, and I'll bet you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":737.975,"endTime":741.635,"body":"can do it, buddy, if you just..."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":741.835,"endTime":742.225,"body":"yeah!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":743.865,"endTime":745.055,"body":"I believe in you!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":745.085,"endTime":746.045,"body":"Open your mind."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":748.225,"endTime":749.135,"body":"Oh my god."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":749.385,"endTime":751.595,"body":"But I would love to hear a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":749.385,"endTime":751.595,"body":"compliment that you've received"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":751.605,"endTime":752.855,"body":"and that you've never forgotten."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":754.055,"endTime":756.965,"body":"Right, so it's quite a funny"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":754.055,"endTime":756.965,"body":"one, actually, because one time here in"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":756.965,"endTime":761.295,"body":"England, I was at a train station, and I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":756.965,"endTime":761.295,"body":"was just checking my makeup in a pocket"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":761.345,"endTime":765.645,"body":"mirror, because rarely, but I do wear"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":761.345,"endTime":765.645,"body":"makeup once in a while, And then some"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":765.665,"endTime":770.035,"body":"random guy was just like running past, he"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":765.665,"endTime":770.035,"body":"was like, Don't worry, you look beautiful!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":770.145,"endTime":770.765,"body":"And he ran off."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":771.375,"endTime":773.625,"body":"That's so freaking sweet!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":773.625,"endTime":776.745,"body":"So I really appreciate it,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":773.625,"endTime":776.745,"body":"cause like, well, it was obvious"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":776.745,"endTime":779.025,"body":"he wasn't like, even trying to hit"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":776.745,"endTime":779.025,"body":"on me, he just wanted to make my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":779.025,"endTime":780.425,"body":"day, and I was like, Oh, bless you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":780.875,"endTime":781.055,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":781.555,"endTime":785.845,"body":"I actually love those, those"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":781.555,"endTime":785.845,"body":"like drive by compliments that like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":785.845,"endTime":789.555,"body":"require nothing, you don't have that like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":785.845,"endTime":789.555,"body":"pressure of like what are they expecting"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":789.555,"endTime":794.085,"body":"or trying to do, where it's just like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":789.555,"endTime":794.085,"body":"brightening your day and then leaving"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":794.085,"endTime":795.585,"body":"and it just makes you really happy."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":795.615,"endTime":796.115,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":796.335,"endTime":797.885,"body":"Like compliments from women."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":798.7,"endTime":802.46,"body":"I will take any day and I, I, whichever"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":798.7,"endTime":802.46,"body":"way they mean it, I will take it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":802.47,"endTime":803.98,"body":"But compliments from men, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":804.05,"endTime":808.32,"body":"So I am like, thank  you but..."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":809.355,"endTime":812.705,"body":"Is there a hidden contract"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":809.355,"endTime":812.705,"body":"in here that I don't know about?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":812.705,"endTime":813.915,"body":"I don't, I don't know."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":813.915,"endTime":814.635,"body":"I don't know."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":815.545,"endTime":816.065,"body":"Um,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":816.265,"endTime":821.865,"body":"yeah, no compliments from women are such"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":816.265,"endTime":821.865,"body":"a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful thing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":823.045,"endTime":824.515,"body":"Actually, I just had"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":823.045,"endTime":824.515,"body":"a funny one the other day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":824.925,"endTime":827.683,"body":"So I was clubbing,  not this"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":824.925,"endTime":827.683,"body":"week, but the week before."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":828.338,"endTime":830.348,"body":"And we were just pushing,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":828.338,"endTime":830.348,"body":"me and my friends, we were"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":830.348,"endTime":831.118,"body":"pushing through the crowd."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":831.138,"endTime":832.218,"body":"It was very crowdy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":832.598,"endTime":836.278,"body":"And then some random woman, I never spoke"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":832.598,"endTime":836.278,"body":"to her before, she just grabbed my arm."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":836.278,"endTime":838.788,"body":"She was like, You're"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":836.278,"endTime":838.788,"body":"beautiful and I love you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":839.278,"endTime":841.038,"body":"And I was like, I think she's on drugs."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":841.448,"endTime":841.968,"body":"But thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":843.888,"endTime":845.758,"body":"Probably, but that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":843.888,"endTime":845.758,"body":"doesn't mean it's not true."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":846.848,"endTime":847.198,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":847.308,"endTime":847.578,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":848.378,"endTime":848.478,"body":"I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":848.838,"endTime":849.258,"body":"enjoyed that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":849.288,"endTime":850.468,"body":"I was like, okay, that made my day."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":852.968,"endTime":855.788,"body":"And what is your favorite"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":852.968,"endTime":855.788,"body":"color or color combination and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":855.788,"endTime":856.988,"body":"what do you associate with it?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":857.998,"endTime":859.188,"body":"So my favorite color is purple."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":860.233,"endTime":862.663,"body":"But I don't associate it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":860.233,"endTime":862.663,"body":"with anything specific."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":862.723,"endTime":863.103,"body":"I don't know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":863.103,"endTime":864.373,"body":"I just, I just love the hue of it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":865.118,"endTime":865.598,"body":"Nice."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":866.448,"endTime":867.618,"body":"I knew somehow."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":867.648,"endTime":868.438,"body":"I knew somehow."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":868.808,"endTime":869.438,"body":"Yes!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":869.558,"endTime":871.198,"body":"I was gonna say, you're in my mind."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":871.678,"endTime":872.408,"body":"The uh, the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":872.408,"endTime":877.468,"body":"light, I put the light on purple"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":872.408,"endTime":877.468,"body":"as well, so I like, oh, I knew."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":877.478,"endTime":877.958,"body":"Okay."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":878.258,"endTime":878.808,"body":"All right."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":879.068,"endTime":880.268,"body":"I was feeling purple today."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":881.018,"endTime":886.288,"body":"And um, if I had to summon you in"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":881.018,"endTime":886.288,"body":"a ritual, what five things would I"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":886.288,"endTime":890.518,"body":"need to place as offerings at each"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":886.288,"endTime":890.518,"body":"point of the pentacle on the floor?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":891.363,"endTime":895.083,"body":"Yes, so one would be a comic"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":891.363,"endTime":895.083,"body":"book, because I'm obsessed with them,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":895.603,"endTime":897.353,"body":"that's my number one thing in life."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":897.673,"endTime":898.643,"body":"Does it matter which one?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":898.653,"endTime":898.873,"body":"Like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":898.893,"endTime":899.693,"body":"any comic book?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":900.153,"endTime":903.943,"body":"Just any manga, comic book,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":900.153,"endTime":903.943,"body":"Garfield, whatever, just like, I've been"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":903.943,"endTime":905.673,"body":"obsessed since I could read, basically."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":906.453,"endTime":910.163,"body":"Um, and a figurine of a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":906.453,"endTime":910.163,"body":"giraffe, because I'm super tall."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":911.273,"endTime":915.993,"body":"I'm 5'11 and my friends jokingly will"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":911.273,"endTime":915.993,"body":"call me like a giraffe or a female titan."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":917.803,"endTime":918.323,"body":"I like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":919.708,"endTime":922.888,"body":"A Polish dumpling, because I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":919.708,"endTime":922.888,"body":"Polish and I really love dumplings,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":922.888,"endTime":925.728,"body":"like, whenever I go to Poland,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":922.888,"endTime":925.728,"body":"I have to have Polish dumplings."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":927.018,"endTime":931.988,"body":"Another one is a postal stamp, because,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":927.018,"endTime":931.988,"body":"um, one of my most nerdy qualities,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":931.988,"endTime":936.558,"body":"I actually collect stamps, um, so"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":931.988,"endTime":936.558,"body":"that would be one of those, yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":937.658,"endTime":939.308,"body":"And the last one would be cheese."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":940.018,"endTime":941.648,"body":"Mmm, what kind of cheese?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":941.678,"endTime":942.478,"body":"Any cheese?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":942.788,"endTime":943.338,"body":"Any cheese,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":943.608,"endTime":944.018,"body":"I eat them"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":944.018,"endTime":944.448,"body":"all."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":944.508,"endTime":947.358,"body":"Is there a comic book that,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":944.508,"endTime":947.358,"body":"you remember,  you mentioned you had"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":947.358,"endTime":949.108,"body":"started reading them, like, growing up."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":949.568,"endTime":953.188,"body":"Is there one that stands out,  as"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":949.568,"endTime":953.188,"body":"your favorite growing up as a child"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":953.818,"endTime":955.748,"body":"that, like, made you fall in love?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":956.453,"endTime":958.203,"body":"For me it was Calvin and Hobbes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":958.793,"endTime":959.883,"body":"Oh my god, so good."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":960.203,"endTime":960.763,"body":"So good."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":961.283,"endTime":962.613,"body":"But I haven't read that as a child."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":962.613,"endTime":964.983,"body":"I don't think it was translated"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":962.613,"endTime":964.983,"body":"to Polish at that point."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":965.293,"endTime":967.713,"body":"The one I read back in"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":965.293,"endTime":967.713,"body":"Poland was Donald Duck."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":968.193,"endTime":970.373,"body":"I had like volumes and volumes of it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":971.183,"endTime":972.893,"body":"And I was also obsessed with Garfield."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":973.713,"endTime":975.473,"body":"I think because Garfield is a comic strip."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":976.373,"endTime":979.043,"body":"That probably really imprinted in"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":976.373,"endTime":979.043,"body":"me the idea of doing comic strips."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":979.463,"endTime":979.883,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":981.093,"endTime":982.323,"body":"Actually, I have a funny story."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":982.893,"endTime":986.173,"body":"So, the whole reason I'm a comic artist"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":982.893,"endTime":986.173,"body":"is because of a misunderstanding."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":986.173,"endTime":987.693,"body":"Because, when I was a child, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":988.223,"endTime":989.803,"body":"So I was a young child reading comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":989.813,"endTime":991.543,"body":"Let's say I was nine or ten years old."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":992.003,"endTime":994.483,"body":"And then I realized, well, there"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":992.003,"endTime":994.483,"body":"are no adults around me reading"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":994.513,"endTime":998.323,"body":"comics, so perhaps it's not"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":994.513,"endTime":998.323,"body":"allowed for adults to read comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":998.463,"endTime":999.283,"body":"Oh my god, that's horrible."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":999.353,"endTime":1000.453,"body":"I don't want to stop reading them."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1000.933,"endTime":1004.313,"body":"And then I realized Wait a second,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1000.933,"endTime":1004.313,"body":"but it's not children drawing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1004.313,"endTime":1005.853,"body":"them, it's the adults drawing them."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1006.033,"endTime":1009.123,"body":"So if I draw them, I will be"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1006.033,"endTime":1009.123,"body":"allowed to still like them."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1010.903,"endTime":1011.383,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1011.533,"endTime":1013.853,"body":"So that's how I became"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1011.533,"endTime":1013.853,"body":"a comic artist, actually."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1014.193,"endTime":1015.393,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1015.403,"endTime":1016.933,"body":"That's so beautiful."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1017.043,"endTime":1018.543,"body":"Oh, that's so silly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1018.543,"endTime":1022.773,"body":"And then, of course, later I realized"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1018.543,"endTime":1022.773,"body":"that's, that's wrong, that thinking"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1022.773,"endTime":1023.893,"body":"is wrong, but it was too late."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1023.923,"endTime":1024.588,"body":"I was already in."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1025.098,"endTime":1028.528,"body":"Oh my gosh, like, I love"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1025.098,"endTime":1028.528,"body":"the, the logic that's in there."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1029.328,"endTime":1029.818,"body":"And,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1030.028,"endTime":1034.428,"body":"like, is it, is it that they started"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1030.028,"endTime":1034.428,"body":"drawing it as kids and then into"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1034.428,"endTime":1038.508,"body":"adulthood that made it possible for them"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1034.428,"endTime":1038.508,"body":"to be drawing it for the children and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1038.508,"endTime":1039.278,"body":"then,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1039.678,"endTime":1041.188,"body":"Or, or is it contraband?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1041.188,"endTime":1043.458,"body":"Are they not supposed to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1041.188,"endTime":1043.458,"body":"be drawing the comics?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1043.648,"endTime":1045.748,"body":"Like, I like that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1046.548,"endTime":1047.538,"body":"That's really beautiful."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1048.448,"endTime":1051.818,"body":"Yeah, so I started drawing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1048.448,"endTime":1051.818,"body":"comics really early, but at first it was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1051.838,"endTime":1056.468,"body":"just like I was cutting out characters"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1051.838,"endTime":1056.468,"body":"from Donald Duck, and then I was just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1056.618,"endTime":1060.718,"body":"sticking them in a notebook and putting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1056.618,"endTime":1060.718,"body":"my own like story, speech bubbles."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1061.163,"endTime":1061.653,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1062.383,"endTime":1063.483,"body":"So those were my first comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1063.483,"endTime":1065.203,"body":"I was probably like 10."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1065.203,"endTime":1068.793,"body":"I remember  being obsessed"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1065.203,"endTime":1068.793,"body":"with the idea of  the Sunday, the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1068.793,"endTime":1076.433,"body":"Sunday paper comics, um, and, uh, and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1068.793,"endTime":1076.433,"body":"I remember like drawing my own comics"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1076.453,"endTime":1079.133,"body":"and delivering them to my parents door."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1079.583,"endTime":1080.623,"body":"Like on Sunday,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1080.623,"endTime":1080.993,"body":"Bless!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1081.273,"endTime":1081.653,"body":"That's so cute!"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1081.673,"endTime":1083.173,"body":"Outside their bedroom."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1084.073,"endTime":1086.263,"body":"Oh my gosh, that's so cute."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1087.193,"endTime":1088.783,"body":"But, um,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1089.783,"endTime":1093.523,"body":"I would, I would love to know three"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1089.783,"endTime":1093.523,"body":"essentials to your self care as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1094.453,"endTime":1097.723,"body":"Right, so number one, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1094.453,"endTime":1097.723,"body":"I've learned that the hard way through"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1097.723,"endTime":1101.303,"body":"my every depression episode, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1097.723,"endTime":1101.303,"body":"number one is making time for art."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1102.033,"endTime":1106.283,"body":"Because I just can't be happy if, if"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1102.033,"endTime":1106.283,"body":"my main daytime job is too tiring, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1106.283,"endTime":1109.723,"body":"then I don't have energy for art, then"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1106.283,"endTime":1109.723,"body":"my, my mood starts going down and down."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1109.723,"endTime":1113.883,"body":"So, so I have to make sure that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1109.723,"endTime":1113.883,"body":"my energy levels are high enough"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1113.913,"endTime":1115.043,"body":"for a side project as well."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1115.673,"endTime":1116.683,"body":"Gotta feed the soul."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1117.703,"endTime":1119.383,"body":"Yes, yes, 100 percent."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1120.043,"endTime":1121.923,"body":"If I go too long without"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1120.043,"endTime":1121.923,"body":"drawing, I feel like, oh my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1121.923,"endTime":1123.433,"body":"god, like, what am I living for?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1123.493,"endTime":1125.533,"body":"Like, am I a robot just making money?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1126.233,"endTime":1129.313,"body":"And number two, I have a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1126.233,"endTime":1129.313,"body":"lot of electric massagers."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1129.793,"endTime":1132.233,"body":"I, like, have a feet"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1129.793,"endTime":1132.233,"body":"massager I use every day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1132.233,"endTime":1135.293,"body":"I just, it really helps"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1132.233,"endTime":1135.293,"body":"me relax, you know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1135.313,"endTime":1138.223,"body":"It's like a box beneath my desk and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1135.313,"endTime":1138.223,"body":"then I put my feet in it and I'm like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1138.373,"endTime":1142.463,"body":"oh yeah, this is relaxation time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1143.043,"endTime":1146.193,"body":"And number three, also very"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1143.043,"endTime":1146.193,"body":"important, is a good social life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1146.658,"endTime":1148.008,"body":"Because I'm very extroverted."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1148.098,"endTime":1152.408,"body":"I'm like maximum, maximum on the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1148.098,"endTime":1152.408,"body":"spectrum between introvert and extrovert."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1152.478,"endTime":1153.558,"body":"I'm a maximum extrovert."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1154.298,"endTime":1157.298,"body":"And if I don't hang out socially"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1154.298,"endTime":1157.298,"body":"at least once every two weeks,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1157.318,"endTime":1158.948,"body":"I notice I start to get sad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1160.088,"endTime":1162.618,"body":"So going to work doesn't count"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1160.088,"endTime":1162.618,"body":"because of course that's not social."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1162.688,"endTime":1165.168,"body":"It has to be like grabbing a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1162.688,"endTime":1165.168,"body":"coffee with a friend or something."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1165.308,"endTime":1169.108,"body":"I'm an introvert, so I love,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1165.308,"endTime":1169.108,"body":"um, also, like, seeing you post on,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1169.108,"endTime":1172.248,"body":"um, Instagram and stuff and, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1169.108,"endTime":1172.248,"body":"the places that you're going and the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1172.268,"endTime":1175.478,"body":"things that you're doing and just,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1172.268,"endTime":1175.478,"body":"just sort of, like, like, watching"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1175.478,"endTime":1180.928,"body":"the extroverts out at play and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1175.478,"endTime":1180.928,"body":"being like, oh, wow, I can't do it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1180.928,"endTime":1181.356,"body":"but I love that they do!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1181.356,"endTime":1182.178,"body":"It's kind of unusual"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1182.178,"endTime":1185.498,"body":"for, um, I do think it's kind of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1182.178,"endTime":1185.498,"body":"unusual for a comic artist because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1185.738,"endTime":1187.848,"body":"most of the comic artists are"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1185.738,"endTime":1187.848,"body":"always saying they're introverts."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1188.518,"endTime":1191.948,"body":"I love it, though, because you,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1188.518,"endTime":1191.948,"body":"you collect all these stories from, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1192.188,"endTime":1192.428,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1192.688,"endTime":1194.188,"body":"The places you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1192.688,"endTime":1194.188,"body":"go, the things you do, the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1194.188,"endTime":1196.598,"body":"people you meet, the interactions"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1194.188,"endTime":1196.598,"body":"that you have with them."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1197.158,"endTime":1201.678,"body":"I love, I love your saucy,  comics"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1197.158,"endTime":1201.678,"body":"in My Secret Lesbian Comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1202.558,"endTime":1203.138,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1203.168,"endTime":1203.918,"body":"Thank you so much."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1203.918,"endTime":1204.918,"body":"I'm really happy to hear that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1205.298,"endTime":1206.438,"body":"I'm happy to keep drawing it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1206.558,"endTime":1207.988,"body":"And I'm happy so many people like it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1208.348,"endTime":1210.358,"body":"It definitely got bigger than I expected."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1210.358,"endTime":1214.113,"body":"I just I just have this need to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1210.358,"endTime":1214.113,"body":"document my life, and it's almost"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1214.113,"endTime":1215.773,"body":"like a diary of my existence."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1216.793,"endTime":1221.373,"body":"So I try to primarily focus on"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1216.793,"endTime":1221.373,"body":"like my dating and lesbian issues"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1221.373,"endTime":1222.723,"body":"and, you know, LGBT issues."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1222.733,"endTime":1226.053,"body":"But I would say like every now"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1222.733,"endTime":1226.053,"body":"and then I'll make a comic about"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1226.093,"endTime":1227.163,"body":"something completely different."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1227.693,"endTime":1230.843,"body":"Just because it's more like a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1227.693,"endTime":1230.843,"body":"diary than a lesbian manifesto."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1232.488,"endTime":1235.328,"body":"What was the driving"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1232.488,"endTime":1235.328,"body":"force behind, like, starting it?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1235.348,"endTime":1237.048,"body":"What made you start drawing it?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1238.048,"endTime":1241.318,"body":"So, actually, it's quite funny,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1238.048,"endTime":1241.318,"body":"but it's actually because at the time"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1241.318,"endTime":1243.978,"body":"I was working a job that was super"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1241.318,"endTime":1243.978,"body":"chill and I had so much free time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1244.568,"endTime":1245.838,"body":"It was an admin job, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1246.258,"endTime":1249.288,"body":"So I would go to the office every day"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1246.258,"endTime":1249.288,"body":"for like eight hours, but actually there"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1249.388,"endTime":1250.888,"body":"was maybe three or four hours of work."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1251.328,"endTime":1251.658,"body":"Oh, wow."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1251.658,"endTime":1253.848,"body":"And between that, I was just,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1251.658,"endTime":1253.848,"body":"I would just like, you know, chill"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1253.848,"endTime":1257.598,"body":"and read my Kindle and, and I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1253.848,"endTime":1257.598,"body":"like, you know, all that time I wanna"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1257.598,"endTime":1258.618,"body":"do something productive with it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1258.618,"endTime":1262.248,"body":"So I started bringing my schedule"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1258.618,"endTime":1262.248,"body":"to work and like I made up my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1262.248,"endTime":1265.188,"body":"new comic avatar and, uh, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1262.248,"endTime":1265.188,"body":"started drawing them at that work."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1265.488,"endTime":1266.298,"body":"'cause I had so much time."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1267.038,"endTime":1267.728,"body":"That's awesome."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1267.728,"endTime":1268.598,"body":"I had no idea."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1269.308,"endTime":1270.748,"body":"So it just, it just like happened."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1270.748,"endTime":1271.318,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1271.888,"endTime":1271.978,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1271.978,"endTime":1273.718,"body":"Just 'cause I had time and I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1271.978,"endTime":1273.718,"body":"figured, well, you know what?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1273.768,"endTime":1276.558,"body":"It doesn't feel right to just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1273.768,"endTime":1276.558,"body":"procrastinate for five hours a day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1276.658,"endTime":1280.148,"body":"Since I have energy, I, I should"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1276.658,"endTime":1280.148,"body":"just start a comic series."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1281.198,"endTime":1284.378,"body":"Well, it's, it's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1281.198,"endTime":1284.378,"body":"incredible and I love it so much."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1284.378,"endTime":1284.558,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1284.558,"endTime":1288.398,"body":"I started following like a while ago,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1284.558,"endTime":1288.398,"body":"I think like, 'cause you, you popped"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1288.398,"endTime":1293.188,"body":"up on my  suggested I think, um, I"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1288.398,"endTime":1293.188,"body":"saw something that you had posted."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1293.188,"endTime":1293.668,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1294.148,"endTime":1296.008,"body":"And uh, and I was like, oh, dang."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1296.008,"endTime":1296.518,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1296.518,"endTime":1298.938,"body":"Like more, more like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1296.518,"endTime":1298.938,"body":"queer comic book artists."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1298.938,"endTime":1299.438,"body":"I love it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1299.458,"endTime":1300.358,"body":"Like, I need this."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1300.363,"endTime":1303.733,"body":"Mm-hmm .  The stories you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1300.363,"endTime":1303.733,"body":"tell, they're so wonderful."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1303.753,"endTime":1307.883,"body":"I get such a beautiful dose of, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1303.753,"endTime":1307.883,"body":"queer joy from reading your comic."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1307.903,"endTime":1308.643,"body":"That is just nice."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1308.993,"endTime":1311.933,"body":"It just, like, feeds my soul"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1308.993,"endTime":1311.933,"body":"in such a wonderful way."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1311.953,"endTime":1312.533,"body":"And they're just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1313.043,"endTime":1313.163,"body":"Thank"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1313.163,"endTime":1313.223,"body":"you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1313.243,"endTime":1313.853,"body":"Wonderful."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1313.953,"endTime":1315.793,"body":"That's, that's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1313.953,"endTime":1315.793,"body":"actually intentional as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1315.843,"endTime":1319.983,"body":"I try to make most of my comics"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1315.843,"endTime":1319.983,"body":"positive and funny because I've heard"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1319.983,"endTime":1321.253,"body":"a lot of people commenting before."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1321.263,"endTime":1324.223,"body":"Well, maybe not a lot, but a couple of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1321.263,"endTime":1324.223,"body":"people have commented before that, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1324.898,"endTime":1330.038,"body":"So many LGBT comics are about sadness,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1324.898,"endTime":1330.038,"body":"and oppression, and you know, depression,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1330.068,"endTime":1334.378,"body":"and of course those are so great, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1330.068,"endTime":1334.378,"body":"read them as well, but I thought, well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1334.808,"endTime":1338.598,"body":"in that case, there's probably people"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1334.808,"endTime":1338.598,"body":"who would like to see the other side."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1339.298,"endTime":1344.863,"body":"So I tried to focus on the silly and funny"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1339.298,"endTime":1344.863,"body":"and I exaggerate my character to be more"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1345.423,"endTime":1347.893,"body":"silly and more of a fuckboy, if you will."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1347.973,"endTime":1348.993,"body":"Well, fuckgirl, I suppose."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1350.413,"endTime":1352.533,"body":"But I swear it's exaggerated for comedy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1352.533,"endTime":1353.813,"body":"I swear I'm not that bad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1353.813,"endTime":1358.153,"body":"I just have this side of me that I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1353.813,"endTime":1358.153,"body":"think of as like Johnny Bravo persona."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1359.993,"endTime":1360.713,"body":"I like that a lot."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1360.713,"endTime":1364.903,"body":"But I mostly, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1360.713,"endTime":1364.903,"body":"mostly let it out for laughs."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1365.373,"endTime":1368.103,"body":"Like, when I'm obnoxiously hitting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1365.373,"endTime":1368.103,"body":"on women, it's to make them laugh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1368.143,"endTime":1369.953,"body":"it's not to actually try and, yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1370.403,"endTime":1373.203,"body":"So that's, that's also what I draw"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1370.403,"endTime":1373.203,"body":"for my character in the series."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1374.183,"endTime":1377.953,"body":"Something else I love about your"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1374.183,"endTime":1377.953,"body":"comic is,  the sense of,  just, just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1377.953,"endTime":1383.793,"body":"like the sapphic, like, Just how fucking"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1377.953,"endTime":1383.793,"body":"fantastic women are, it just comes through"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1383.793,"endTime":1389.343,"body":"so strongly, and just like, the love of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1383.793,"endTime":1389.343,"body":"women, how, like, how beautiful, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1389.343,"endTime":1395.953,"body":"smart, funny, just like, how many, just,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1389.343,"endTime":1395.953,"body":"just, just for the love of women, and that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1395.953,"endTime":1398.893,"body":"comes through, and I love that so much,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1399.928,"endTime":1400.048,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1400.638,"endTime":1400.948,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1401.038,"endTime":1403.908,"body":"I'm actually very happy at the moment"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1401.038,"endTime":1403.908,"body":"because I just started a new job three"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1403.908,"endTime":1406.518,"body":"days ago and my team is mostly women."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1406.518,"endTime":1409.678,"body":"I was like, yes, let's go."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1409.678,"endTime":1411.208,"body":"And they're all like funny and chill."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1411.208,"endTime":1412.448,"body":"I'm like, oh my God, let's go."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1412.578,"endTime":1413.678,"body":"Let's hope it's going to be a good one."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1413.988,"endTime":1415.518,"body":"Congratulations on the new job."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1415.528,"endTime":1416.158,"body":"That's awesome."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1416.408,"endTime":1416.848,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1416.978,"endTime":1417.428,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1418.038,"endTime":1420.648,"body":"Something I just want to,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1418.038,"endTime":1420.648,"body":"make sure that people are aware  My"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1420.648,"endTime":1425.628,"body":"Secret Lesbian Comics,  you have a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1420.648,"endTime":1425.628,"body":"book out on Amazon that people can buy."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1426.118,"endTime":1428.708,"body":"And I wanted to talk about"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1426.118,"endTime":1428.708,"body":"that and I wanted to talk about"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1428.728,"endTime":1430.058,"body":"Patreon,  so that people know,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1430.058,"endTime":1430.658,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1430.768,"endTime":1432.018,"body":"How they can support you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1432.118,"endTime":1434.638,"body":"So when did the book  get"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1432.118,"endTime":1434.638,"body":"published or made available?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1435.498,"endTime":1439.198,"body":"Yeah, that was actually during"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1435.498,"endTime":1439.198,"body":"my depressive episode because my last"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1439.198,"endTime":1443.478,"body":"job I had at the beginning of last year,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1439.198,"endTime":1443.478,"body":"so a year ago, it was soul crushing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1443.488,"endTime":1444.908,"body":"It was too difficult, too hard."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1445.128,"endTime":1448.838,"body":"And I ended up getting depressed"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1445.128,"endTime":1448.838,"body":"and like rage quitting for suicidal"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1449.038,"endTime":1450.088,"body":"tendencies and stuff, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1450.248,"endTime":1453.008,"body":"That's exactly the moment when I realized,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1450.248,"endTime":1453.008,"body":"well, I'm getting depressed because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1453.008,"endTime":1457.398,"body":"I'm not making enough art because I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1453.008,"endTime":1457.398,"body":"just so tired from my daytime job."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1459.078,"endTime":1462.278,"body":"So of course, first I had a little"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1459.078,"endTime":1462.278,"body":"rest, but then because I was unemployed"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1462.288,"endTime":1464.018,"body":"for a couple months by choice, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1464.618,"endTime":1467.358,"body":"Um, first I had a little rest,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1464.618,"endTime":1467.358,"body":"but then I figured, you know what?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1467.408,"endTime":1471.858,"body":"There's not going to be a better time to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1467.408,"endTime":1471.858,"body":"compile my older comics into a comic book."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1472.048,"endTime":1473.568,"body":"Because now I actually"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1472.048,"endTime":1473.568,"body":"have time every day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1473.568,"endTime":1474.868,"body":"I can be a full time artist."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1475.428,"endTime":1477.818,"body":"And never mind, there's no full"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1475.428,"endTime":1477.818,"body":"time pay, but it's about, you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1477.818,"endTime":1480.398,"body":"know, it's about satisfaction."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1480.798,"endTime":1485.378,"body":"So I actually released it, yes, during"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1480.798,"endTime":1485.378,"body":"that depressive episode,  and since then"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1485.378,"endTime":1487.268,"body":"I've drawn quite a lot of new comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1487.278,"endTime":1490.138,"body":"So, uh, book number two will"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1487.278,"endTime":1490.138,"body":"probably be coming out sometime,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1490.138,"endTime":1491.638,"body":"but I'm not working on it yet."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1491.688,"endTime":1493.878,"body":"Yeah, and then only recently"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1491.688,"endTime":1493.878,"body":"I started a Patreon."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1493.928,"endTime":1499.513,"body":"I only started it in December 2023,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1493.928,"endTime":1499.513,"body":"uh, because I realized, well, Well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1499.723,"endTime":1501.043,"body":"first of all, Webtoon Play is shit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1501.243,"endTime":1502.303,"body":"It's so, it's so bad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1502.733,"endTime":1507.293,"body":"I keep getting 1, 000 new"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1502.733,"endTime":1507.293,"body":"Webtoon subscribers every month."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1507.563,"endTime":1508.363,"body":"New subscribers."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1508.363,"endTime":1512.163,"body":"So every month my subscriber"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1508.363,"endTime":1512.163,"body":"count goes up by 1, 000."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1512.163,"endTime":1515.543,"body":"And you would think that would be money"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1512.163,"endTime":1515.543,"body":"bags, but it's actually disgustingly"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1515.543,"endTime":1517.723,"body":"cheap, and there's diminishing returns."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1518.063,"endTime":1520.893,"body":"So the more reviews you get,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1518.063,"endTime":1520.893,"body":"the less you get paid per view."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1520.893,"endTime":1522.153,"body":"And I'm like, why?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1522.633,"endTime":1523.763,"body":"Why does it have to be like that?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1523.903,"endTime":1524.483,"body":"Oh, jeez."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1524.893,"endTime":1526.523,"body":"So I'll be honest."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1526.523,"endTime":1529.793,"body":"So that was a reason why I was like, you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1526.523,"endTime":1529.793,"body":"know what, like Webtoon is just shit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1530.043,"endTime":1533.923,"body":"Um, I, I kind of like, of course"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1530.043,"endTime":1533.923,"body":"I'm not doing it for money, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1534.083,"endTime":1537.223,"body":"I want to make some money on it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1534.083,"endTime":1537.223,"body":"because it takes so much of my life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1537.763,"endTime":1539.003,"body":"So I started a Patreon."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1539.743,"endTime":1542.153,"body":"Yeah, you deserve to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1539.743,"endTime":1542.153,"body":"have your work supported as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1542.213,"endTime":1542.633,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1543.223,"endTime":1546.973,"body":"Well, also I had a more pure reason"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1543.223,"endTime":1546.973,"body":"because basically I just had some"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1547.133,"endTime":1550.973,"body":"funny comic ideas for really like"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1547.133,"endTime":1550.973,"body":"erotic and naked comics and I figured"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1551.033,"endTime":1552.253,"body":"that's not gonna go on Instagram."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1552.253,"endTime":1553.323,"body":"I'm gonna get banned."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1555.193,"endTime":1557.113,"body":"I'm going to get blocked so fast."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1557.13,"endTime":1560.65,"body":"You had mentioned that in a,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1557.13,"endTime":1560.65,"body":"strip or something, yeah, that you have"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1560.65,"endTime":1563.3,"body":"spicy stuff available on the Patreon."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1563.32,"endTime":1566.66,"body":"So, so things that were like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1563.32,"endTime":1566.66,"body":"removed from Webtoon or that you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1566.66,"endTime":1567.885,"body":"knew you were not going to be able."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1568.035,"endTime":1569.755,"body":"able to share anywhere else."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1569.785,"endTime":1574.455,"body":"And so, like, if we want the,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1569.785,"endTime":1574.455,"body":"the spicy extras, we can, we can"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1574.455,"endTime":1578.035,"body":"support you on Patreon  and get"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1574.455,"endTime":1578.035,"body":"those, those yummy extra comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1578.805,"endTime":1579.305,"body":"That's it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1579.625,"endTime":1582.485,"body":"So, um, the comic strips I draw"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1579.625,"endTime":1582.485,"body":"there, I committed to drawing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1582.485,"endTime":1583.815,"body":"one extra comic strip a month."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1584.655,"endTime":1585.855,"body":"They're not like pornographic."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1585.915,"endTime":1587.045,"body":"That's, that's not my intention."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1587.055,"endTime":1590.525,"body":"My intention with those is mostly comedy,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1587.055,"endTime":1590.525,"body":"except, you know, they're naked or it's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1590.525,"endTime":1592.525,"body":"more about sex than Instagram can take."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1592.62,"endTime":1598.62,"body":"But I am working on 18 plus, uh, one"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1592.62,"endTime":1598.62,"body":"short fantasy, uh, lesbian story,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1599.56,"endTime":1600.83,"body":"just because I figured, you know what?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1600.86,"endTime":1601.88,"body":"I want to try drawing porn."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1602.24,"endTime":1602.57,"body":"Why not?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1603.11,"endTime":1604.0,"body":"You only live once."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1604.0,"endTime":1608.96,"body":"So, so I'm working on a one"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1604.0,"endTime":1608.96,"body":"shot,  you know, one chapter"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1609.22,"endTime":1613.87,"body":"kind of fantasy story, like, um,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1609.22,"endTime":1613.87,"body":"lesbian girlfriends getting laid."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1613.87,"endTime":1614.68,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1615.61,"endTime":1616.87,"body":"And so, so people will be able"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1616.87,"endTime":1619.28,"body":"to find that on, like, the Patreon, yeah?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1619.8,"endTime":1621.23,"body":"Yeah, eventually,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1619.8,"endTime":1621.23,"body":"eventually, yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1621.23,"endTime":1623.81,"body":"It's still gonna be a long time"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1621.23,"endTime":1623.81,"body":"because, unfortunately, um, as"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1623.81,"endTime":1625.36,"body":"I mentioned, I found a new job."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1625.78,"endTime":1630.41,"body":"So, unfortunately, I'm a full time"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1625.78,"endTime":1630.41,"body":"employee again, which will slow down"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1630.41,"endTime":1632.73,"body":"my porn progress, but I'll try my best."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1632.73,"endTime":1634.83,"body":"Maybe I can do it by the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1632.73,"endTime":1634.83,"body":"end of this year, hopefully."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1636.09,"endTime":1637.78,"body":"But it will be on Patreon one day."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1638.75,"endTime":1640.25,"body":"Wow, that's awesome."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1640.75,"endTime":1642.33,"body":"Our jobs get in the way of porn."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1642.46,"endTime":1642.97,"body":"I'm sorry."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1643.12,"endTime":1643.87,"body":"I know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1644.18,"endTime":1644.56,"body":"I wanted to draw"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1644.89,"endTime":1645.15,"body":"porn."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1645.16,"endTime":1645.89,"body":"Like, please."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1645.89,"endTime":1647.52,"body":"Now I gotta make money."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1647.52,"endTime":1648.28,"body":"Oh, my God."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1650.29,"endTime":1650.91,"body":"Oh, my God."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1650.91,"endTime":1651.28,"body":"Capitalism"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1651.28,"endTime":1651.68,"body":"sucks."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1653.63,"endTime":1654.49,"body":"I'm not arguing."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1654.61,"endTime":1654.89,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1656.93,"endTime":1657.66,"body":"Oh, geez."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1658.09,"endTime":1661.525,"body":"So if you're, if you're comfortable"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1658.09,"endTime":1661.525,"body":"shifting focus, I wanted to talk"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1661.525,"endTime":1667.22,"body":"about the other  comic that you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1661.525,"endTime":1667.22,"body":"created,  Self-pity Social Club."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1667.22,"endTime":1670.72,"body":"What made you decide to start"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1667.22,"endTime":1670.72,"body":"drawing that, and what is that about?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1671.66,"endTime":1674.58,"body":"I started it before the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1671.66,"endTime":1674.58,"body":"depressive episode, but I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1674.58,"endTime":1676.55,"body":"already headed there, if you will."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1677.04,"endTime":1679.735,"body":"So I was not in a very good headspace,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1677.04,"endTime":1679.735,"body":"and I figured, you know what?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1680.335,"endTime":1683.915,"body":"I love, I love expressing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1680.335,"endTime":1683.915,"body":"my feelings for comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1683.975,"endTime":1685.755,"body":"I should try that on a negative side."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1686.235,"endTime":1689.415,"body":"But my main series, as I mentioned,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1686.235,"endTime":1689.415,"body":"I wanted to be like positive and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1689.415,"endTime":1691.685,"body":"happy and just to make people laugh."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1691.685,"endTime":1694.785,"body":"So I just started a second series"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1691.685,"endTime":1694.785,"body":"called, Self-pity Social Club"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1694.825,"endTime":1695.835,"body":"and it's on the Webtoon as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1696.575,"endTime":1699.915,"body":"And funnily enough if I don't advertise"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1696.575,"endTime":1699.915,"body":"it anywhere, uh, it's more of a,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1699.925,"endTime":1703.105,"body":"like a secret project, but of course"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1699.925,"endTime":1703.105,"body":"today the secret gets revealed."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1704.185,"endTime":1706.645,"body":"So yeah, it doesn't have half"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1704.185,"endTime":1706.645,"body":"as many followers as the main"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1706.645,"endTime":1708.31,"body":"series and it's more of a,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1708.71,"endTime":1713.82,"body":"it's a really sketchy, really quick,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1708.71,"endTime":1713.82,"body":"just power my feelings out on the paper."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1714.34,"endTime":1715.96,"body":"Well, straight onto"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1714.34,"endTime":1715.96,"body":"the computer, actually."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1716.38,"endTime":1720.84,"body":"And then  I make it very dynamic, very"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1716.38,"endTime":1720.84,"body":"energetic and kinetic just to express"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1721.51,"endTime":1725.53,"body":"my feelings rather than worrying about,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1721.51,"endTime":1725.53,"body":"you know, getting the anatomy right or,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1725.54,"endTime":1727.0,"body":"you know, getting the composition right."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1727.0,"endTime":1729.78,"body":"This is purely like an emotional project."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1730.73,"endTime":1735.09,"body":"I love how  just pure and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1730.73,"endTime":1735.09,"body":"gestural it is and your use of color."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1735.12,"endTime":1735.24,"body":"Mm-hmm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1735.56,"endTime":1737.27,"body":"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1735.56,"endTime":1737.27,"body":"Hecate: Was just really expressive"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1737.37,"endTime":1737.76,"body":"thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1738.0,"endTime":1738.36,"body":"Gosh."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1738.36,"endTime":1742.68,"body":"The, uh, one, one of the ones that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1738.36,"endTime":1742.68,"body":"really jumps out to me  you really,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1742.74,"endTime":1747.86,"body":"um, you get across like these kind"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1742.74,"endTime":1747.86,"body":"of like PTSD  moments and just like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1747.86,"endTime":1751.34,"body":"how, how they feel or how they're"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1747.86,"endTime":1751.34,"body":"experienced, like in your mind or in"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1751.34,"endTime":1753.055,"body":"your body, and one of the ones, mm-hmm"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1753.655,"endTime":1760.86,"body":"Really, like, just you visually I just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1753.655,"endTime":1760.86,"body":"got it across so beautifully was the, um,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1760.86,"endTime":1765.21,"body":"when you're watching a movie and like a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1760.86,"endTime":1765.21,"body":"triggering scene comes up and you just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1765.21,"endTime":1771.17,"body":"like you showed just like that that like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1765.21,"endTime":1771.17,"body":"dissociative glitch so perfectly and I"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1771.18,"endTime":1773.42,"body":"really related really strongly to that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1773.79,"endTime":1774.5,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1774.53,"endTime":1774.82,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1774.82,"endTime":1775.52,"body":"That's good to hear."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1775.77,"endTime":1778.95,"body":"Actually, I'm sure at least one or two"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1775.77,"endTime":1778.95,"body":"people commented on that saying  they"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1778.95,"endTime":1780.85,"body":"also think that I portrayed it very well."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1781.12,"endTime":1781.76,"body":"It was perfect."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1781.82,"endTime":1782.09,"body":"That's good."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1782.09,"endTime":1782.5,"body":"I was just."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1783.675,"endTime":1785.365,"body":"Yeah, that was super triggering scene."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1785.365,"endTime":1787.655,"body":"It was a child abuse scene in Moon Knight."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1788.225,"endTime":1789.545,"body":"which was a very good TV show."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1789.545,"endTime":1790.505,"body":"Overall, I enjoyed it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1790.565,"endTime":1794.035,"body":"But then the main character"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1790.565,"endTime":1794.035,"body":"suffered from an abusive mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1794.305,"endTime":1796.225,"body":"And I'm like, Oh, that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1794.305,"endTime":1796.225,"body":"hits too close to home."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1796.925,"endTime":1797.335,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1797.385,"endTime":1800.775,"body":"And then she was like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1797.385,"endTime":1800.775,"body":"banging on his door with a belt."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1800.775,"endTime":1801.165,"body":"And I was like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1802.495,"endTime":1808.155,"body":"Oh, you had, you hauld mentioned"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1802.495,"endTime":1808.155,"body":"belts specifically being a trigger"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1808.155,"endTime":1810.115,"body":"for you as well in another strip."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1810.585,"endTime":1811.555,"body":"Yes, yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1811.595,"endTime":1812.88,"body":"Unfortunately, that's the case."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1813.23,"endTime":1816.88,"body":"So I'm fine most of the time,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1813.23,"endTime":1816.88,"body":"like I don't get triggered much."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1817.0,"endTime":1821.55,"body":"I don't have many triggers, but, uh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1817.0,"endTime":1821.55,"body":"belts specifically, yeah, like the sound"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1821.56,"endTime":1823.89,"body":"of the metal part of the belt clunking."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1824.75,"endTime":1827.91,"body":"Yeah, yeah, I've had a situation before,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1824.75,"endTime":1827.91,"body":"like I'll just explain the situation"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1827.91,"endTime":1831.76,"body":"from the comic, where somebody was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1827.91,"endTime":1831.76,"body":"undressing behind me, so out of my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1831.77,"endTime":1837.26,"body":"sight, and I heard that clunk of the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1831.77,"endTime":1837.26,"body":"metal part, and I just got a PTSD"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1837.26,"endTime":1842.17,"body":"flashback from when my mom, because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1837.26,"endTime":1842.17,"body":"my mother had a collection of belts."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1842.69,"endTime":1847.19,"body":"On her closet and she would hide them on"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1842.69,"endTime":1847.19,"body":"like inside the closet on a metal bar."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1847.97,"endTime":1852.13,"body":"So whenever she opened that closet, they"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1847.97,"endTime":1852.13,"body":"would jingle and I would know, well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1852.14,"endTime":1853.85,"body":"this that's what's gonna happen next."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1853.85,"endTime":1860.09,"body":"Well, so, so the, the expecting of pain"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1853.85,"endTime":1860.09,"body":"is almost worse than the pain itself"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1860.85,"endTime":1863.77,"body":"because I know it's coming and I know"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1860.85,"endTime":1863.77,"body":"there's nothing I can do to stop it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1863.77,"endTime":1869.31,"body":"So when, uh, when I heard, well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1863.77,"endTime":1869.31,"body":"in my adult life, years after when"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1869.31,"endTime":1872.57,"body":"I heard that jingle behind me,  I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1869.31,"endTime":1872.57,"body":"think that was like the first."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1873.62,"endTime":1876.59,"body":"one of the few, but the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1873.62,"endTime":1876.59,"body":"first PTSD attack I had."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1877.4,"endTime":1881.84,"body":"Although I'm, I'm not qualified to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1877.4,"endTime":1881.84,"body":"properly like, you know, describe"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1881.84,"endTime":1885.98,"body":"it myself and say whether or not it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1881.84,"endTime":1885.98,"body":"was a PTSD, but it looks like it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1886.63,"endTime":1891.48,"body":"But yeah, basically I just froze"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1886.63,"endTime":1891.48,"body":"and I covered in sweat and all the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1891.74,"endTime":1893.68,"body":"different alarms went off in my head."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1893.71,"endTime":1898.62,"body":"It's like there were 10 cars going"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1893.71,"endTime":1898.62,"body":"off and 10 kettles going off and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1898.62,"endTime":1900.09,"body":"I just got sweaty for no reason."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1900.09,"endTime":1901.84,"body":"And I couldn't."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1903.405,"endTime":1905.075,"body":"Couldn't make the alarms stop."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1905.885,"endTime":1907.695,"body":"And yeah, that was quite hardcore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1907.695,"endTime":1908.915,"body":"After that I was like, whoa!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1908.915,"endTime":1910.565,"body":"Yikes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1911.735,"endTime":1916.505,"body":"Was that something that happened"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1911.735,"endTime":1916.505,"body":"before you started  drawing the comic?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1916.515,"endTime":1919.415,"body":"Or something that happened along the way?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1919.455,"endTime":1921.805,"body":"Yeah, so that was years"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1919.455,"endTime":1921.805,"body":"before, back when I was still"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1921.805,"endTime":1923.165,"body":"in the closet and dating men."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1923.165,"endTime":1926.145,"body":"So, actually, the person taking"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1923.165,"endTime":1926.145,"body":"off the belt was my ex boyfriend."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1926.88,"endTime":1927.84,"body":"But that was years ago."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1928.11,"endTime":1932.82,"body":"For a long time, I just shuffled all"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1928.11,"endTime":1932.82,"body":"my, all my trauma into a closet, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1932.82,"endTime":1936.01,"body":"I just did the best to not think about"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1932.82,"endTime":1936.01,"body":"it, and I didn't want to admit that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1936.01,"endTime":1941.25,"body":"anything's wrong, and it took me,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1936.01,"endTime":1941.25,"body":"it took me until, like, I was 25 to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1941.25,"endTime":1944.8,"body":"slowly start realizing and accepting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1941.25,"endTime":1944.8,"body":"that my childhood was not very good."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1945.475,"endTime":1948.425,"body":"Because of course, children"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1945.475,"endTime":1948.425,"body":"don't have a frame of reference."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1948.855,"endTime":1950.395,"body":"So I just assumed, oh, this is normal."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1950.575,"endTime":1952.525,"body":"Everybody's got home life like this."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":1952.805,"endTime":1953.125,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1953.775,"endTime":1958.145,"body":"And even though I moved out of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1953.775,"endTime":1958.145,"body":"house one month after high school, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1958.145,"endTime":1964.095,"body":"I moved all the way to England, I, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1958.145,"endTime":1964.095,"body":"didn't, I didn't really connect that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1964.095,"endTime":1965.475,"body":"to the fact that I'm just running away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1965.745,"endTime":1968.305,"body":"Even though some of my aunts were"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1965.745,"endTime":1968.305,"body":"like, you know, Monika, it seems"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1968.325,"endTime":1968.975,"body":"like you're just running away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1969.775,"endTime":1971.385,"body":"And I'm like, no, what"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1969.775,"endTime":1971.385,"body":"are you talking about?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1971.425,"endTime":1972.185,"body":"My life is great."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1974.445,"endTime":1977.005,"body":"But I was just very comfortable"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1974.445,"endTime":1977.005,"body":"being 1000 miles away from my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1977.005,"endTime":1979.405,"body":"mother and seeing her on my terms."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1980.995,"endTime":1984.605,"body":"So that's also I noticed even"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1980.995,"endTime":1984.605,"body":"then I remember, because I moved"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1984.695,"endTime":1985.615,"body":"right after high school, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1986.185,"endTime":1988.915,"body":"And I noticed quite quickly"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1986.185,"endTime":1988.915,"body":"that I don't miss her, ever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1990.105,"endTime":1992.445,"body":"And I was like, that's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1990.105,"endTime":1992.445,"body":"that doesn't sound right."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1994.335,"endTime":1995.115,"body":"What's happening there?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1997.035,"endTime":2001.955,"body":"So yeah, but still it took me until like"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":1997.035,"endTime":2001.955,"body":"25 to start realizing that something's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2001.955,"endTime":2006.455,"body":"even wrong and sometimes like just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2001.955,"endTime":2006.455,"body":"the comments people say and I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2006.455,"endTime":2008.96,"body":"like, that's Is that how parents act?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2010.48,"endTime":2015.09,"body":"You know, like I'm, there's so many"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2010.48,"endTime":2015.09,"body":"things that where I'm not even aware what"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2015.2,"endTime":2017.0,"body":"normal mother is supposed to act like."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2017.29,"endTime":2018.72,"body":"And it's, it's kind of crazy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2018.72,"endTime":2021.66,"body":"So if, if I may give an example, right."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2021.66,"endTime":2024.15,"body":"So my grandmother passed"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2021.66,"endTime":2024.15,"body":"away during COVID."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2024.61,"endTime":2028.33,"body":"So I think that was early"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2024.61,"endTime":2028.33,"body":"2021 and I was in England."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2028.33,"endTime":2028.9,"body":"She was in Poland."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2028.93,"endTime":2030.37,"body":"I couldn't attend the funeral."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2031.745,"endTime":2033.775,"body":"Because, of course, back then we"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2031.745,"endTime":2033.775,"body":"had all the restrictions, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2033.775,"endTime":2035.035,"body":"And I wouldn't have made it in time."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2035.835,"endTime":2036.485,"body":"I'm sorry."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2038.035,"endTime":2038.745,"body":"Ah, thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2038.895,"endTime":2039.345,"body":"It's alright."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2039.595,"endTime":2044.165,"body":"So, even though, at that point, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2039.595,"endTime":2044.165,"body":"already had cut off my mother, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2044.455,"endTime":2047.455,"body":"I think specifically in that moment,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2044.455,"endTime":2047.455,"body":"she wasn't blocked or anything, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2048.145,"endTime":2051.225,"body":"Because there's different periods of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2048.145,"endTime":2051.225,"body":"time when I block her, unblock her, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2051.305,"endTime":2053.785,"body":"we share a family chat together, so she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2051.305,"endTime":2053.785,"body":"can always reach me on the family chat."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2054.645,"endTime":2056.335,"body":"Because I just want to be"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2054.645,"endTime":2056.335,"body":"part of the family still, so"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2056.335,"endTime":2057.525,"body":"I'm not quitting that one."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2058.855,"endTime":2062.185,"body":"So she could have reached me, but then"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2058.855,"endTime":2062.185,"body":"one of my friends was like, Oh, did your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2062.185,"endTime":2065.365,"body":"mother like reach out to you about your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2062.185,"endTime":2065.365,"body":"grandmother dying and you being sad?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2065.465,"endTime":2068.43,"body":"Because it's not her mother who died,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2065.465,"endTime":2068.43,"body":"it's the grandmother on my father's side."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2069.9,"endTime":2071.98,"body":"And I was like, no, no,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2069.9,"endTime":2071.98,"body":"why would she do that?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2073.1,"endTime":2073.99,"body":"And I was so confused."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2074.01,"endTime":2075.89,"body":"And then my friend was like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2074.01,"endTime":2075.89,"body":"what are you talking about?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2075.89,"endTime":2079.14,"body":"Of course she should care that you're"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2075.89,"endTime":2079.14,"body":"sad that your grandmother died."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2079.14,"endTime":2080.71,"body":"And I'm like, she should?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2081.66,"endTime":2086.17,"body":"I like, it just never occurred to me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2081.66,"endTime":2086.17,"body":"like, oh, is that how people operate?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2086.22,"endTime":2086.57,"body":"Like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2088.47,"endTime":2090.09,"body":"I'm, I, I'm not a psychiatrist."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2090.09,"endTime":2093.79,"body":"I can't really diagnose people, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2090.09,"endTime":2093.79,"body":"from what I've read and heard on"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2093.79,"endTime":2096.3,"body":"podcasts, I suspect she's narcissistic."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2096.855,"endTime":2101.275,"body":"Because she seems to see herself as the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2096.855,"endTime":2101.275,"body":"center of the world, and she doesn't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2101.275,"endTime":2102.805,"body":"care about anybody else's feelings."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2103.825,"endTime":2105.715,"body":"And she's very manipulative."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2106.505,"endTime":2109.825,"body":"And I have one sister, and when"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2106.505,"endTime":2109.825,"body":"we lived with her as children,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2109.835,"endTime":2111.655,"body":"she made us compete for her love."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2111.805,"endTime":2114.855,"body":"Me and my sister, it's very sad actually,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2111.805,"endTime":2114.855,"body":"we used to like, really dislike each"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2114.855,"endTime":2118.405,"body":"other, because we were always competing,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2114.855,"endTime":2118.405,"body":"we were always telling on each other."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2119.445,"endTime":2123.475,"body":"Like, I was the so called good daughter,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2119.445,"endTime":2123.475,"body":"she was the so called bad daughter."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2124.615,"endTime":2128.445,"body":"Which, of course, it's fucked up in the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2124.615,"endTime":2128.445,"body":"first place that my mother would make it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2128.445,"endTime":2130.255,"body":"so obvious that she prefers one of us."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2131.485,"endTime":2133.825,"body":"And even though I was the so"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2131.485,"endTime":2133.825,"body":"called good daughter, I still"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2133.825,"endTime":2135.405,"body":"have so many bad memories."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2135.905,"endTime":2137.435,"body":"So yeah, it's quite difficult."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2137.525,"endTime":2142.385,"body":"Only after I moved out and I gained"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2137.525,"endTime":2142.385,"body":"some distance, I was able to start"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2142.525,"endTime":2146.145,"body":"having a relationship with my sister"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2142.525,"endTime":2146.145,"body":"and I'm very grateful for that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2146.245,"endTime":2149.885,"body":"And we try to stay in touch now and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2146.245,"endTime":2149.885,"body":"talk and we hang out every time I go"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2149.885,"endTime":2151.665,"body":"to Poland because I do love my sister."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2151.665,"endTime":2152.635,"body":"I want us to be close."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2152.815,"endTime":2155.485,"body":"It's just a shame that it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2152.815,"endTime":2155.485,"body":"took us until our twenties."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2156.34,"endTime":2157.75,"body":"To be able to feel that way."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2158.5,"endTime":2162.94,"body":"The perspective that we gain as"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2158.5,"endTime":2162.94,"body":"we become adults is just so different,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2162.96,"endTime":2168.28,"body":"and  the relationships that maybe weren't"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2162.96,"endTime":2168.28,"body":"possible when we were younger,  become"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2168.35,"endTime":2172.83,"body":"more possible down the line, and I'm so"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2168.35,"endTime":2172.83,"body":"glad that you're able to connect with your"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2172.83,"endTime":2175.99,"body":"sister and have that relationship now."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2176.1,"endTime":2176.45,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2176.86,"endTime":2178.74,"body":"Yes, I'm really happy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2179.53,"endTime":2181.76,"body":"And also, my sister is still"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2179.53,"endTime":2181.76,"body":"in touch with our mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2182.1,"endTime":2183.53,"body":"She's kind of, like, restricting it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2184.65,"endTime":2188.26,"body":"Like, she never gives her money"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2184.65,"endTime":2188.26,"body":"because our mother is horrible"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2188.27,"endTime":2189.77,"body":"for using people for money."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2189.77,"endTime":2191.11,"body":"She's so selfish."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2192.14,"endTime":2194.69,"body":"But still, my sister does"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2192.14,"endTime":2194.69,"body":"want to keep her in her life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2194.69,"endTime":2198.99,"body":"So, she also, like, gives me updates"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2194.69,"endTime":2198.99,"body":"sometimes about, like, the new"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2199.01,"endTime":2200.27,"body":"fucked up shit our mother does."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2202.78,"endTime":2205.26,"body":"So, I suppose that's a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2202.78,"endTime":2205.26,"body":"bonding experience, at least."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2205.26,"endTime":2207.61,"body":"Like, we can complain about her together."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2208.473,"endTime":2214.313,"body":"The financial thing seemed"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2208.473,"endTime":2214.313,"body":"to be,  a very important theme when"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2214.313,"endTime":2216.018,"body":"I was reading your comics strip."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2216.733,"endTime":2221.933,"body":"Yes, actually, that's weirdly, her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2216.733,"endTime":2221.933,"body":"manipulative side is something I'm more"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2221.963,"endTime":2224.163,"body":"traumatized about than the physical abuse."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2224.768,"endTime":2228.428,"body":"Because like, she stopped physically"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2224.768,"endTime":2228.428,"body":"abusing me when I was about 15, and I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2228.428,"endTime":2233.768,"body":"feel like I could have gotten past it,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2228.428,"endTime":2233.768,"body":"but it's more the emotional and the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2233.778,"endTime":2237.848,"body":"financial abuse that made me realize,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2233.778,"endTime":2237.848,"body":"I think she's just a bad person."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2238.588,"endTime":2242.518,"body":"Um, which of course took me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2238.588,"endTime":2242.518,"body":"years to get, get to terms with."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2243.078,"endTime":2245.658,"body":"So, she's just so manipulative."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2245.718,"endTime":2250.718,"body":"And ever since I cut her off, um,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2245.718,"endTime":2250.718,"body":"it's Well, I'll get to it later,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2250.718,"endTime":2252.028,"body":"but there was one big event."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2252.158,"endTime":2253.628,"body":"Uh, well, you've read it in the comic."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2253.628,"endTime":2255.118,"body":"One big event that made me cut her off."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2255.168,"endTime":2258.428,"body":"And, and then, ever since then,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2255.168,"endTime":2258.428,"body":"it's like she dropped her mask."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2258.998,"endTime":2263.078,"body":"So, other people also know that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2258.998,"endTime":2263.078,"body":"she's messed up, manipulative,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2263.098,"endTime":2267.028,"body":"lying, stealing, like So now she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2263.098,"endTime":2267.028,"body":"like the black sheep of the family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2267.028,"endTime":2270.678,"body":"So at least I'm grateful for the fact"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2267.028,"endTime":2270.678,"body":"that the rest of the family believes me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2271.418,"endTime":2274.768,"body":"Because they can see, like, her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2271.418,"endTime":2274.768,"body":"mask is gone for some reason."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2274.828,"endTime":2276.998,"body":"But yeah, she just keeps using everyone."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2277.448,"endTime":2280.278,"body":"She doesn't want to work, but then she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2277.448,"endTime":2280.278,"body":"wants everybody else to support her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2280.918,"endTime":2284.228,"body":"And she, like, expects it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2280.918,"endTime":2284.228,"body":"and demands it for no reason."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2285.193,"endTime":2286.833,"body":"It's, it's really weird."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2286.833,"endTime":2287.223,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2287.263,"endTime":2289.443,"body":"So I moved out right"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2287.263,"endTime":2289.443,"body":"after high school, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2290.413,"endTime":2291.273,"body":"I'll get from the beginning."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2291.273,"endTime":2294.343,"body":"So I moved out right after high school and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2291.273,"endTime":2294.343,"body":"I moved to England and I went to college."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2294.413,"endTime":2297.443,"body":"So I was studying full time,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2294.413,"endTime":2297.443,"body":"college first and university."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2297.693,"endTime":2299.863,"body":"And I was working on the weekends,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2297.693,"endTime":2299.863,"body":"minimum wage, McDonald's."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2301.138,"endTime":2303.268,"body":"So, you can imagine I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2301.138,"endTime":2303.268,"body":"not making a lot of money."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2304.778,"endTime":2309.628,"body":"I also had student loans in England,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2304.778,"endTime":2309.628,"body":"and I was making them weekend money."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2310.988,"endTime":2313.378,"body":"Back at the time, I didn't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2310.988,"endTime":2313.378,"body":"have the comic series, so I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2313.378,"endTime":2316.488,"body":"wasn't making no money for art."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2316.488,"endTime":2319.858,"body":"But still, she got it in her head"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2316.488,"endTime":2319.858,"body":"that because I live in England,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2319.878,"endTime":2323.358,"body":"I'm rich, and I'm supposed to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2319.878,"endTime":2323.358,"body":"take care of her financially."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2323.768,"endTime":2325.228,"body":"She was working full time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2325.958,"endTime":2327.128,"body":"I don't know how it happened."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2328.063,"endTime":2331.323,"body":"First of all, she was receiving child"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2328.063,"endTime":2331.323,"body":"benefit because my parents are divorced."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2332.253,"endTime":2335.683,"body":"So she was receiving child benefit"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2332.253,"endTime":2335.683,"body":"for me for like up to 25, yeah?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2336.773,"endTime":2340.573,"body":"But at some point she said, oh, it doesn't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2336.773,"endTime":2340.573,"body":"come anymore because you're abroad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2340.613,"endTime":2341.373,"body":"It doesn't count."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2341.723,"endTime":2342.133,"body":"Sorry."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2342.633,"endTime":2344.513,"body":"And then months later, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2342.633,"endTime":2344.513,"body":"found out that's a lie."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2344.933,"endTime":2348.093,"body":"She was still receiving my child benefit"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2344.933,"endTime":2348.093,"body":"and she was just keeping it to herself."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2349.353,"endTime":2353.233,"body":"And that's just so mind"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2349.353,"endTime":2353.233,"body":"boggling to me as an adult."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2353.263,"endTime":2357.743,"body":"Like, you have a child alone, abroad,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2353.263,"endTime":2357.743,"body":"working minimum wage two days a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2357.743,"endTime":2360.893,"body":"week, and you don't want to help"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2357.743,"endTime":2360.893,"body":"them out, and you steal from them?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2362.083,"endTime":2366.873,"body":"Because the child support money"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2362.083,"endTime":2366.873,"body":"was legally meant for me, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2366.873,"endTime":2369.793,"body":"she just lied that it's not"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2366.873,"endTime":2369.793,"body":"coming to keep it for herself."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2371.143,"endTime":2374.133,"body":"Um, so my father was furious"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2371.143,"endTime":2374.133,"body":"when, when he found out, and then"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2374.133,"endTime":2375.613,"body":"he stopped paying it, and yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2376.953,"endTime":2379.883,"body":"But still, that was not the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2376.953,"endTime":2379.883,"body":"point when I cut her off."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2379.913,"endTime":2381.433,"body":"I forbear that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2381.813,"endTime":2385.763,"body":"Again, She, she's so manipulative"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2381.813,"endTime":2385.763,"body":"in ways, like she always, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2385.763,"endTime":2387.063,"body":"manipulates people's pity."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2387.603,"endTime":2389.453,"body":"That's a really big thing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2387.603,"endTime":2389.453,"body":"in my mother's life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2389.503,"endTime":2393.633,"body":"She always manipulates people like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2389.503,"endTime":2393.633,"body":"\"Oh, I'm the poorest, I'm the saddest,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2393.743,"endTime":2395.383,"body":"I'm whatever, my life is so bad\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2395.713,"endTime":2398.253,"body":"And she will manipulate your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2395.713,"endTime":2398.253,"body":"feelings into feeling bad for her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2398.753,"endTime":2401.913,"body":"And she's trying to steer it so that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2398.753,"endTime":2401.913,"body":"you will offer to buy her stuff."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2401.913,"endTime":2406.323,"body":"Which is, Also quite crazy, but yeah,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2401.913,"endTime":2406.323,"body":"it took me a long time to realize"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2406.333,"endTime":2409.523,"body":"she's using me like that for my money,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2406.333,"endTime":2409.523,"body":"which I didn't have, and I just,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2410.513,"endTime":2414.323,"body":"somehow I felt responsible financially"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2410.513,"endTime":2414.323,"body":"for my mother, which is crazy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2414.703,"endTime":2418.533,"body":"She was the one with full time"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2414.703,"endTime":2418.533,"body":"income, and I was the one with"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2418.593,"endTime":2421.833,"body":"Maki's, McDonald's, so Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2422.703,"endTime":2425.903,"body":"Yeah, so I ended up, like, buying her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2422.703,"endTime":2425.903,"body":"furniture because her bed was bad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2426.033,"endTime":2430.353,"body":"She would like complain to me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2426.033,"endTime":2430.353,"body":"that \"Oh, my vacuum cleaner broke\""},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2430.363,"endTime":2431.513,"body":"and I would buy her a new one."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2432.193,"endTime":2436.053,"body":"Or whenever I went to visit Poland,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2432.193,"endTime":2436.053,"body":"her fridge was empty so I would take"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2436.203,"endTime":2439.663,"body":"pity on her and I would cover the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2436.203,"endTime":2439.663,"body":"groceries for the whole time of my visit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2440.603,"endTime":2445.543,"body":"Until one day my sister told me that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2440.603,"endTime":2445.543,"body":"actually normally the fridge is full and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2445.543,"endTime":2447.413,"body":"she just empties it before you come over."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2447.553,"endTime":2449.263,"body":"That, that story was"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2449.273,"endTime":2450.733,"body":"like crazy to me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2451.583,"endTime":2454.203,"body":"That was one of the most"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2451.583,"endTime":2454.203,"body":"mind fucking moments of my life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2454.203,"endTime":2455.543,"body":"I was like, what do you mean?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2456.253,"endTime":2458.603,"body":"That point was before I started to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2456.253,"endTime":2458.603,"body":"realize there's something wrong."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2459.213,"endTime":2459.953,"body":"So I was like, why?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2460.973,"endTime":2463.163,"body":"She's manipulating me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2460.973,"endTime":2463.163,"body":"into buying her groceries."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2464.233,"endTime":2465.243,"body":"I couldn't comprehend it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2465.243,"endTime":2466.583,"body":"It was, it was so crazy."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2466.973,"endTime":2471.308,"body":"Well, and  all that other stuff,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2466.973,"endTime":2471.308,"body":"I can see that It would, it would just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2471.318,"endTime":2474.588,"body":"be this, like, insidious, or you might"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2471.318,"endTime":2474.588,"body":"be able to, like, excuse it more and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2474.588,"endTime":2477.808,"body":"more in your head, or just be like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2474.588,"endTime":2477.808,"body":"well, maybe she doesn't realize, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2477.838,"endTime":2481.278,"body":"how she's acting, or, like, maybe she"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2477.838,"endTime":2481.278,"body":"didn't mean to do that, or maybe she's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2481.278,"endTime":2486.118,"body":"not aware of it, but, like, removing"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2481.278,"endTime":2486.118,"body":"the groceries from your own fridge"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2486.148,"endTime":2490.708,"body":"in order to trick your child that's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2486.148,"endTime":2490.708,"body":"visiting into thinking that you don't"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2490.718,"endTime":2492.818,"body":"have food, so that they'll buy you food."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2493.633,"endTime":2498.653,"body":"That's like, you are removing groceries"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2493.633,"endTime":2498.653,"body":"from your fridge, like you can't tell me"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2498.653,"endTime":2500.303,"body":"that you don't know what you're doing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2501.533,"endTime":2505.913,"body":"Um, yeah, I imagine maybe she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2501.533,"endTime":2505.913,"body":"was just like, scheduling it so she would"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2505.913,"endTime":2509.233,"body":"stop buying groceries at a certain point"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2505.913,"endTime":2509.233,"body":"before I visit or something like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2509.273,"endTime":2512.323,"body":"And it's like, who acts that way?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2512.883,"endTime":2515.273,"body":"I like, even not as a family"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2512.883,"endTime":2515.273,"body":"member, but as a host?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2515.753,"endTime":2518.373,"body":"If I have like a guest from Poland"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2515.753,"endTime":2518.373,"body":"coming over for a week, I'm going"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2518.373,"endTime":2519.263,"body":"to take them out for a meal."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2519.263,"endTime":2519.323,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2519.323,"endTime":2520.538,"body":"You can make sure you can feed them."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2520.538,"endTime":2521.088,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2521.088,"endTime":2522.188,"body":"You're right."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2522.188,"endTime":2522.738,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2523.118,"endTime":2524.628,"body":"I'm gonna be like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2523.118,"endTime":2524.628,"body":"what milk do you prefer?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2524.628,"endTime":2525.438,"body":"Should I buy soy milk?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2525.438,"endTime":2526.418,"body":"Should I buy regular milk?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2526.958,"endTime":2527.588,"body":"Do you like coffee?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2527.588,"endTime":2528.198,"body":"Do you like tea?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2528.538,"endTime":2531.318,"body":"I'll be, I'll be standing on my head to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2528.538,"endTime":2531.318,"body":"make sure they have everything they want."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2532.968,"endTime":2533.658,"body":"Even as a host."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2534.188,"endTime":2535.768,"body":"And it's like, why would"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2534.188,"endTime":2535.768,"body":"you go the other way?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2535.938,"endTime":2538.118,"body":"And then I told that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2535.938,"endTime":2538.118,"body":"story to my good aunt."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2538.368,"endTime":2542.838,"body":"So in my comic series, she's called"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2538.368,"endTime":2542.838,"body":"Aunt B. So my mother has two sisters."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2543.238,"endTime":2545.188,"body":"One of her sisters, Aunt A, she's a cunt."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2545.308,"endTime":2546.138,"body":"I cut her off as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2546.978,"endTime":2549.808,"body":"And then Aunt B is the only"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2546.978,"endTime":2549.808,"body":"good one in the whole family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2550.963,"endTime":2553.193,"body":"There's something wrong with women in"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2550.963,"endTime":2553.193,"body":"that family, they're all fucked up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2553.633,"endTime":2554.773,"body":"Aunt B is the only good one."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2554.773,"endTime":2558.833,"body":"And, and we talk about my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2554.773,"endTime":2558.833,"body":"mother quite a lot, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2558.833,"endTime":2560.773,"body":"Because, of course, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2558.833,"endTime":2560.773,"body":"knows her very well as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2561.103,"endTime":2563.123,"body":"And she told me some bad stories"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2561.103,"endTime":2563.123,"body":"from her perspective as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2563.953,"endTime":2567.853,"body":"So I told her that, and she was like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2563.953,"endTime":2567.853,"body":"\"Oh, but your mother would borrow money"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2567.853,"endTime":2568.933,"body":"from me anytime you came to visit\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2570.358,"endTime":2570.878,"body":"for you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2571.928,"endTime":2573.218,"body":"And I'm like, oh my fucking god."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2574.908,"endTime":2576.348,"body":"She was playing us both."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2578.298,"endTime":2580.468,"body":"Like, just, and working full time?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2582.008,"endTime":2582.458,"body":"Can you imagine?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2582.558,"endTime":2583.678,"body":"She's just disgusting."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2583.718,"endTime":2585.028,"body":"She's just disgusting."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2585.058,"endTime":2586.298,"body":"I just can't understand."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2586.908,"endTime":2590.538,"body":"And all the people around her keep"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2586.908,"endTime":2590.538,"body":"helping her out so much, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2590.538,"endTime":2592.438,"body":"Because she's very close to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2590.538,"endTime":2592.438,"body":"her sisters and her mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2593.858,"endTime":2596.753,"body":"And she just bites the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2593.858,"endTime":2596.753,"body":"hand that feeds her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2597.813,"endTime":2598.833,"body":"I'll give you another example."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2598.843,"endTime":2602.173,"body":"So after her mask dropped,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2598.843,"endTime":2602.173,"body":"right, she quit work."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2602.633,"endTime":2605.193,"body":"And she was like, you know, saying she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2602.633,"endTime":2605.193,"body":"too depressed to work and whatever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2605.683,"endTime":2610.363,"body":"And then, so her sister, again, the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2605.683,"endTime":2610.363,"body":"good aunt, Aunt B, she found her a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2610.363,"endTime":2613.403,"body":"job cleaning houses privately, because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2610.363,"endTime":2613.403,"body":"that's what my aunt does, yeah?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2613.753,"endTime":2616.713,"body":"So she basically helped"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2613.753,"endTime":2616.713,"body":"her get some money."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2616.713,"endTime":2622.148,"body":"And then as a repayment, my mother"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2616.713,"endTime":2622.148,"body":"tried to bite her out of a gig."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2624.368,"endTime":2627.658,"body":"She was like, Oh, you know, you're going"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2624.368,"endTime":2627.658,"body":"to hire my sister to clean your house."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2627.668,"endTime":2628.318,"body":"I'll do it cheaper than her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2628.683,"endTime":2633.463,"body":"Can, can, can you even imagine that?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2634.163,"endTime":2637.203,"body":"So that's how she repaid her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2634.163,"endTime":2637.203,"body":"sister for getting her a job."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2638.643,"endTime":2640.493,"body":"That's pretty low."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2640.493,"endTime":2643.273,"body":"That's just unthinkable."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2643.273,"endTime":2644.203,"body":"I don't understand."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2644.463,"endTime":2647.793,"body":"So that's why I think, I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2644.463,"endTime":2647.793,"body":"pretty sure, she thinks she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2647.803,"endTime":2649.393,"body":"the center of the law world."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2649.813,"endTime":2651.173,"body":"Nobody else's feelings matter."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2652.303,"endTime":2654.063,"body":"I just find it hard to comprehend."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2654.373,"endTime":2655.933,"body":"How can somebody be that selfish?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2657.173,"endTime":2657.523,"body":"It's."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2658.668,"endTime":2663.648,"body":"Baffling and painful to, to also just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2658.668,"endTime":2663.648,"body":"figure out, like, especially when"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2663.648,"endTime":2667.448,"body":"it's a parent and someone who was,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2663.648,"endTime":2667.448,"body":"you know, like, as, as you find out"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2667.468,"endTime":2673.348,"body":"later in life, it's like, oh, you were"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2667.468,"endTime":2673.348,"body":"supposed to be,  the safest person, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2676.168,"endTime":2676.518,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2677.448,"endTime":2678.228,"body":"And yet,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2679.088,"endTime":2679.828,"body":"yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2680.208,"endTime":2681.448,"body":"I'll tell you another funny story."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2681.698,"endTime":2686.218,"body":"So her sister A got cancer, but it's fine."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2686.218,"endTime":2687.748,"body":"She's healed now, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2687.798,"endTime":2690.508,"body":"But a couple years ago she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2687.798,"endTime":2690.508,"body":"got cancer, unfortunately."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2691.248,"endTime":2694.768,"body":"And then my mother said to her,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2691.248,"endTime":2694.768,"body":"you only got cancer for attention?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2698.518,"endTime":2699.688,"body":"What the fuck?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2700.198,"endTime":2700.708,"body":"I know, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2701.908,"endTime":2702.338,"body":"What the fuck?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2702.338,"endTime":2706.598,"body":"I just, I just don't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2702.338,"endTime":2706.598,"body":"comprehend how she's thinking."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2706.598,"endTime":2709.498,"body":"It's, it's beyond me."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2709.918,"endTime":2711.198,"body":"That's, that's like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2711.318,"endTime":2712.208,"body":"really."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2713.688,"endTime":2714.598,"body":"That's really fascinating."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2714.718,"endTime":2720.388,"body":"I was just, um, I was just,  doing a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2714.718,"endTime":2720.388,"body":"thing where I was, like, rehashing a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2720.388,"endTime":2724.398,"body":"history that I had with somebody in"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2720.388,"endTime":2724.398,"body":"my life that had, like, narcissistic"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2724.398,"endTime":2729.428,"body":"tendencies, and I was talking specifically"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2724.398,"endTime":2729.428,"body":"about, like, pain and illness."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2729.703,"endTime":2734.023,"body":"And the way that it's like perceived"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2729.703,"endTime":2734.023,"body":"by others and I was using this person"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2734.043,"endTime":2737.943,"body":"as an example where I had had an"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2734.043,"endTime":2737.943,"body":"experience with them where I had"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2737.943,"endTime":2742.003,"body":"been ill and their first thought"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2737.943,"endTime":2742.003,"body":"was, you're doing it for attention."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2742.443,"endTime":2745.543,"body":"And that's like a really"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2742.443,"endTime":2745.543,"body":"interesting parallel, like."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2745.703,"endTime":2749.863,"body":"Cause,  what I was saying was like, that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2745.703,"endTime":2749.863,"body":"makes, if that's your assumption right"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2749.863,"endTime":2752.913,"body":"off the bat, is that when somebody's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2749.863,"endTime":2752.913,"body":"sick, they're doing it for attention,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2753.343,"endTime":2758.603,"body":"that's the indicator that you are the bad"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2753.343,"endTime":2758.603,"body":"person because that's a shitty assumption."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2758.903,"endTime":2762.553,"body":"Now that you tell that story, it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2758.903,"endTime":2762.553,"body":"also just makes me think like that it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2762.553,"endTime":2767.383,"body":"just reflects your perspective on the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2762.553,"endTime":2767.383,"body":"universe, which is like, everything"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2767.383,"endTime":2772.983,"body":"revolves around me if somebody else has"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2767.383,"endTime":2772.983,"body":"something happening that is detracting"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2772.993,"endTime":2776.913,"body":"from my spotlight, um, you know, that,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2776.913,"endTime":2777.493,"body":"Oh 100%,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2777.513,"endTime":2782.703,"body":"anything interesting, you know,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2777.513,"endTime":2782.703,"body":"illness or pain being \"interesting\","},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2783.053,"endTime":2787.153,"body":"like,  you know, or a tool of interest,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2783.053,"endTime":2787.153,"body":"like, if it occurs to someone else,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2787.153,"endTime":2793.178,"body":"then it is, like, It's just like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2787.153,"endTime":2793.178,"body":"this completely skewed,  perspective."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2793.288,"endTime":2797.278,"body":"Yes, there's actually"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2793.288,"endTime":2797.278,"body":"another similar story because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2797.448,"endTime":2801.298,"body":"I remember a while, while ago,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2797.448,"endTime":2801.298,"body":"she told me she has brain tumor."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2802.388,"endTime":2807.228,"body":"And then, because again, she will, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2802.388,"endTime":2807.228,"body":"liked to get people with pity and this"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2807.798,"endTime":2809.028,"body":"and then she never mentioned it again."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2809.038,"endTime":2809.528,"body":"And it's."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2810.303,"endTime":2811.173,"body":"And it's not a thing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2811.233,"endTime":2812.643,"body":"And I'm like, did she ever have it?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2813.193,"endTime":2815.113,"body":"I don't, I don't think"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2813.193,"endTime":2815.113,"body":"she did ever had it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2815.143,"endTime":2819.083,"body":"I think she was lying straight"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2815.143,"endTime":2819.083,"body":"up,  just for like the pity points."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2819.253,"endTime":2821.463,"body":"She's so obsessed with"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2819.253,"endTime":2821.463,"body":"getting pity from people."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2822.363,"endTime":2825.433,"body":"Fake brain tumor"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2822.363,"endTime":2825.433,"body":"is like, next level."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2825.613,"endTime":2826.113,"body":"Holy shit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2826.773,"endTime":2828.783,"body":"It's like, why"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2826.773,"endTime":2828.783,"body":"would you even lie about it?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2828.783,"endTime":2831.083,"body":"Like, obviously people are going"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2828.783,"endTime":2831.083,"body":"to notice you're not going to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2831.083,"endTime":2832.403,"body":"operations or anything, like."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2833.858,"endTime":2834.198,"body":"What the fuck?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2835.258,"endTime":2835.618,"body":"I swear."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2835.618,"endTime":2836.278,"body":"Wow."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2836.358,"endTime":2836.708,"body":"Wow."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2837.268,"endTime":2837.588,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2838.098,"endTime":2840.258,"body":"So, talking about speaking"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2838.098,"endTime":2840.258,"body":"Spotlight, that's actually a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2840.528,"endTime":2844.072,"body":"good segue to go into the main"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2840.528,"endTime":2844.072,"body":"story that made me cut her off."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2844.072,"endTime":2844.558,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2844.558,"endTime":2846.738,"body":"Because I think part of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2844.558,"endTime":2846.738,"body":"it was about spotlight as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2847.498,"endTime":2849.988,"body":"Because she did something horrible"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2847.498,"endTime":2849.988,"body":"on my sister's wedding day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2850.998,"endTime":2853.348,"body":"And part of me believes that was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2850.998,"endTime":2853.348,"body":"for the Spotlight because she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2853.348,"endTime":2855.248,"body":"hated not being the main character."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2855.598,"endTime":2858.508,"body":"So, my sister got married, right, in 2020."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2858.558,"endTime":2862.348,"body":"So at that point, I was fully aware that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2858.558,"endTime":2862.348,"body":"my mother is manipulative and I don't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2862.348,"endTime":2865.828,"body":"want to send her money anymore, but I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2862.348,"endTime":2865.828,"body":"still trying to save the relationship."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2866.688,"endTime":2868.668,"body":"So she called me about two"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2866.688,"endTime":2868.668,"body":"weeks before the wedding, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2868.708,"endTime":2869.448,"body":"I was still in England."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2870.198,"endTime":2872.908,"body":"And she started trying to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2870.198,"endTime":2872.908,"body":"manipulate me into sending her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2872.908,"endTime":2874.418,"body":"money for clothes for the wedding."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2874.648,"endTime":2877.618,"body":"She was like, \"Oh, I have nothing to wear."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2877.748,"endTime":2878.118,"body":"Um."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2879.198,"endTime":2882.898,"body":"Nothing good that fits me\", and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2879.198,"endTime":2882.898,"body":"I'm like, \"well, wear an old dress."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2882.898,"endTime":2886.638,"body":"I'm wearing an old dress\" and then she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2882.898,"endTime":2886.638,"body":"was like, \"oh, no, no, but I gained"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2886.678,"endTime":2888.308,"body":"weight, nothing fits me anymore\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2888.418,"endTime":2890.608,"body":"She wanted me to offer to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2888.418,"endTime":2890.608,"body":"buy her a dress, basically."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2890.668,"endTime":2891.958,"body":"She always does that, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2892.608,"endTime":2896.708,"body":"Um, but I was, at that point, I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2892.608,"endTime":2896.708,"body":"fully aware, so I was not buying it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2896.738,"endTime":2899.178,"body":"I was like, \"well, you can borrow"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2896.738,"endTime":2899.178,"body":"a dress from one of your sisters."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2900.068,"endTime":2900.988,"body":"I'm going in an old dress\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2901.473,"endTime":2903.683,"body":"Why should I give you money"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2901.473,"endTime":2903.683,"body":"for you to have a new dress?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2904.243,"endTime":2905.253,"body":"So many solutions."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":2905.343,"endTime":2906.213,"body":"So many options."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2906.533,"endTime":2907.583,"body":"So many options."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2907.953,"endTime":2909.263,"body":"Go to a second hand shop."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2909.293,"endTime":2910.183,"body":"Buy one for two quid."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2911.003,"endTime":2913.683,"body":"And then she was like, \"oh no,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2911.003,"endTime":2913.683,"body":"but I'm the bride's mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2914.113,"endTime":2915.543,"body":"Everybody will be looking at me\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2916.293,"endTime":2920.048,"body":"And I'm like, \"no. Everybody"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2916.293,"endTime":2920.048,"body":"will be looking at the bride. And"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2920.048,"endTime":2922.788,"body":"everybody knows you're broke, so"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2920.048,"endTime":2922.788,"body":"they're not gonna hold it against"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2922.788,"endTime":2924.048,"body":"you if you're wearing an old dress\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2924.068,"endTime":2927.048,"body":"But also, nobody knows if it's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2924.068,"endTime":2927.048,"body":"an old dress or not, nobody"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2927.048,"endTime":2928.928,"body":"remembers all the dresses you have."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2929.758,"endTime":2932.158,"body":"First of all, that's a, that's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2929.758,"endTime":2932.158,"body":"a faulty argument to make."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2933.428,"endTime":2935.908,"body":"So I refused, and then"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2933.428,"endTime":2935.908,"body":"she kept pushing me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2936.088,"endTime":2938.678,"body":"So I just lost it, and I just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2936.088,"endTime":2938.678,"body":"told her straight, \"Listen,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2938.978,"endTime":2939.888,"body":"I know what you're doing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2940.258,"endTime":2941.678,"body":"I don't want to be your wallet anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2941.698,"endTime":2943.018,"body":"I'm sick of being your sponsor."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2943.438,"endTime":2946.318,"body":"I'm trying to save our relationship,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2943.438,"endTime":2946.318,"body":"but I need you to stop asking me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2946.318,"endTime":2949.848,"body":"for money because I know you're"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2946.318,"endTime":2949.848,"body":"using me for money and I want to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2949.848,"endTime":2950.948,"body":"have a good relationship with you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2950.948,"endTime":2954.728,"body":"But if that can happen, then I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2950.948,"endTime":2954.728,"body":"not sending you money anymore\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2954.728,"endTime":2957.008,"body":"And she wasn't happy, but she agreed."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2957.808,"endTime":2959.388,"body":"So that was two weeks"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2957.808,"endTime":2959.388,"body":"before the wedding, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2959.388,"endTime":2962.778,"body":"So shortly after I went to Poland"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2959.388,"endTime":2962.778,"body":"and back then, whenever I went"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2962.778,"endTime":2965.638,"body":"to Poland, I stayed at her place"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2962.778,"endTime":2965.638,"body":"because she has a spare room, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2966.563,"endTime":2970.473,"body":"And my sister already moved out by that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2966.563,"endTime":2970.473,"body":"point, so that's why she had a spare room."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2971.073,"endTime":2976.013,"body":"So the wedding day came, and the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2971.073,"endTime":2976.013,"body":"wedding spot was only 10 minutes from"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2976.013,"endTime":2977.883,"body":"the house, walking distance, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2978.853,"endTime":2981.603,"body":"But she was late, first of all, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2978.853,"endTime":2981.603,"body":"was late to her daughter's wedding."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2981.913,"endTime":2983.893,"body":"So I think, okay, that's a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2981.913,"endTime":2983.893,"body":"spotlight thing, isn't it?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2983.893,"endTime":2987.763,"body":"Yeah, and then, uh, I just avoided her the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2983.893,"endTime":2987.763,"body":"whole party, because, like I said, at that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2987.763,"endTime":2990.593,"body":"point, I knew she's toxic, and I'm like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2987.763,"endTime":2990.593,"body":"oh, I just don't want to play her games."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2990.613,"endTime":2992.533,"body":"So the whole party, like, I avoided her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2992.533,"endTime":2994.013,"body":"It was actually, I got very drunk."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2994.013,"endTime":2994.703,"body":"I had a great time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2994.773,"endTime":2995.573,"body":"It was a great wedding."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2996.553,"endTime":3001.093,"body":"And then the next morning, I woke up about"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":2996.553,"endTime":3001.093,"body":"10 a. m. So it was already bright out."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3002.013,"endTime":3003.643,"body":"Uh, my first ever hangover as well."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3005.233,"endTime":3005.413,"body":"Oof."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3006.193,"endTime":3006.673,"body":"I survived."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3007.843,"endTime":3012.643,"body":"And then the, the way her house is"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3007.843,"endTime":3012.643,"body":"laid out, my guest room was as far"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3012.643,"endTime":3014.113,"body":"away  as possible from her bedroom."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3014.113,"endTime":3018.013,"body":"So I would normally steer that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3014.113,"endTime":3018.013,"body":"way, but it's like she left me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3018.013,"endTime":3021.543,"body":"breadcrumbs for me to follow because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3018.013,"endTime":3021.543,"body":"she wanted me to go to her room."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3022.383,"endTime":3025.973,"body":"So even though it was early, bright out,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3022.383,"endTime":3025.973,"body":"I go out of the guest room and it's the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3025.973,"endTime":3030.563,"body":"bathroom and the light is on, and that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3025.973,"endTime":3030.563,"body":"already switches a red flag in my head."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3030.563,"endTime":3032.228,"body":"Like, why is the light on"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3030.563,"endTime":3032.228,"body":"at 10:00 AM It's bright."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3033.503,"endTime":3035.223,"body":"And then I, next up is the kitchen."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3035.283,"endTime":3037.113,"body":"Again, the light is on,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3035.283,"endTime":3037.113,"body":"so I go into the kitchen."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3037.763,"endTime":3041.073,"body":"And there's sleeping pills"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3037.763,"endTime":3041.073,"body":"spilled all over the counter."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3042.573,"endTime":3046.573,"body":"And at that point I'm like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3042.573,"endTime":3046.573,"body":"I don't know about this."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3046.943,"endTime":3047.983,"body":"Something's not right here."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3048.653,"endTime":3050.523,"body":"So the next on my path"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3048.653,"endTime":3050.523,"body":"was the living room."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3051.063,"endTime":3053.323,"body":"And she left a suicide letter."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3053.843,"endTime":3057.173,"body":"And an empty bottle of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3053.843,"endTime":3057.173,"body":"vodka on top of it, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3057.633,"endTime":3060.123,"body":"So she just wrote a short"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3057.633,"endTime":3060.123,"body":"letter, something like, \"Oh, I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3060.123,"endTime":3061.163,"body":"sorry, I can't do this anymore\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3061.623,"endTime":3063.963,"body":"And she put an empty bottle"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3061.623,"endTime":3063.963,"body":"of vodka, implying that she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3063.963,"endTime":3065.073,"body":"drank it all with the pills."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3066.173,"endTime":3068.833,"body":"Um, so yeah, that was a hard comic."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3068.873,"endTime":3071.583,"body":"That's actually quite a recent"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3068.873,"endTime":3071.583,"body":"comic I drew in that series."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3072.658,"endTime":3078.458,"body":"And I just froze for, I don't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3072.658,"endTime":3078.458,"body":"know how long I was like, Oh my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3078.458,"endTime":3080.288,"body":"God, should I go into her bedroom?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3080.288,"endTime":3080.828,"body":"Should I not?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3080.928,"endTime":3083.278,"body":"Should I just call the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3080.928,"endTime":3083.278,"body":"ambulance right away?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3084.038,"endTime":3085.768,"body":"But there was some sound"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3084.038,"endTime":3085.768,"body":"coming from her bedroom."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3085.768,"endTime":3087.668,"body":"So I thought, well, maybe"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3085.768,"endTime":3087.668,"body":"I should check it out."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3087.668,"endTime":3089.358,"body":"I don't want to call the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3087.668,"endTime":3089.358,"body":"ambulance if nothing happened."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3090.318,"endTime":3095.058,"body":"So I went in and again, for the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3090.318,"endTime":3095.058,"body":"manipulators perspective, there were"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3095.078,"endTime":3097.868,"body":"our childhood movies playing on that TV."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3098.348,"endTime":3102.468,"body":"I think that's a manipulative"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3098.348,"endTime":3102.468,"body":"move as well looking back."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3103.768,"endTime":3107.678,"body":"And then she was on the bed, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3103.768,"endTime":3107.678,"body":"unconscious and not responding, so I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3107.678,"endTime":3111.058,"body":"went upstairs to get her mother, my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3107.678,"endTime":3111.058,"body":"grandmother, and we called the ambulance,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3111.058,"endTime":3116.458,"body":"and that was a very traumatic day for"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3111.058,"endTime":3116.458,"body":"me, and I was, like, panicking and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3116.468,"endTime":3120.038,"body":"wailing and freaking out, like, why, why?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3121.713,"endTime":3124.383,"body":"Even if she felt that way, I'll"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3121.713,"endTime":3124.383,"body":"admit, selfishly, I thought, why"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3124.383,"endTime":3126.163,"body":"would she do it now when I'm here?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3126.843,"endTime":3128.653,"body":"I only visit Poland twice a year."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3129.433,"endTime":3130.903,"body":"That's, that's weird timing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3131.873,"endTime":3134.613,"body":"And also why, like, on her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3131.873,"endTime":3134.613,"body":"daughter's wedding day,  so that's,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3134.643,"endTime":3137.023,"body":"that's why I think that's part"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3134.643,"endTime":3137.023,"body":"of stealing the spotlight, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3137.463,"endTime":3139.223,"body":"Because suddenly the next"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3137.463,"endTime":3139.223,"body":"day was all about her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3139.243,"endTime":3141.543,"body":"Of course, everybody knew in the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3139.243,"endTime":3141.543,"body":"family, the ambulance took her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3141.739,"endTime":3144.959,"body":"Her sisters came around and they stayed"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3141.739,"endTime":3144.959,"body":"with me and we were talking about it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3145.269,"endTime":3147.899,"body":"And my mother went to the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3145.269,"endTime":3147.899,"body":"hospital with her mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3148.302,"endTime":3150.522,"body":"And so me and her sisters, we"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3148.302,"endTime":3150.522,"body":"were talking, we were trying to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3150.522,"endTime":3151.362,"body":"figure out, like, what happened?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3151.592,"endTime":3153.062,"body":"She seemed quite normal yesterday."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3153.062,"endTime":3153.532,"body":"What happened?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3154.352,"endTime":3157.772,"body":"And then Aunt A, the mean one,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3154.352,"endTime":3157.772,"body":"but she's always been mean."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3157.792,"endTime":3159.522,"body":"She's, she's a bad person as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3160.272,"endTime":3162.579,"body":"Even though I was clearly"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3160.272,"endTime":3162.579,"body":"traumatized, because I was the one"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3162.579,"endTime":3163.622,"body":"who found her like that, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3164.662,"endTime":3165.242,"body":"I couldn't eat."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3165.532,"endTime":3166.952,"body":"I couldn't, like, sit straight."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3167.022,"endTime":3167.882,"body":"I was just like, fucked up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3169.097,"endTime":3172.417,"body":"And even though I was in that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3169.097,"endTime":3172.417,"body":"state, she was, she started throwing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3172.417,"endTime":3173.667,"body":"accusations, saying it's my fault."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3175.367,"endTime":3178.667,"body":"And I was like, and then Aunt"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3175.367,"endTime":3178.667,"body":"B, the nice one, she started"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3178.707,"endTime":3179.987,"body":"telling her off, like, shut up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3180.197,"endTime":3180.977,"body":"What are you saying?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3181.337,"endTime":3182.267,"body":"What's wrong with you?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3182.267,"endTime":3184.227,"body":"That's an awful"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3182.267,"endTime":3184.227,"body":"thing to say to somebody."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3184.917,"endTime":3185.527,"body":"Oh, I know, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3186.047,"endTime":3187.767,"body":"So yeah, so that was quite heavy as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3187.867,"endTime":3189.347,"body":"And her arguments were weak as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3189.567,"endTime":3193.432,"body":"Oh, oh, it's because I forgot to mention"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3189.567,"endTime":3193.432,"body":"it's because When the paramedics came"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3193.502,"endTime":3194.872,"body":"and they started shaking her, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3195.642,"endTime":3198.702,"body":"My mother, she started making"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3195.642,"endTime":3198.702,"body":"those disgusting sounds like she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3198.702,"endTime":3199.682,"body":"wants to puke, but she can't."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3199.682,"endTime":3204.092,"body":"And then the first thing she said was,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3199.682,"endTime":3204.092,"body":"\"it's because my daughters don't love me\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3204.842,"endTime":3208.692,"body":"Which again, I think was a deliberate,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3204.842,"endTime":3208.692,"body":"well, now I think it was deliberate, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3208.762,"endTime":3210.162,"body":"in the moment I was like, what the fuck?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3211.332,"endTime":3211.812,"body":"Um, because."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3212.997,"endTime":3215.637,"body":"It's true, we don't love her, but like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3212.997,"endTime":3215.637,"body":"we have good reasons not to love her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3215.757,"endTime":3216.687,"body":"Like, I'm"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3216.687,"endTime":3217.477,"body":"so sorry."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3220.927,"endTime":3223.847,"body":"Like, we're still trying to have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3220.927,"endTime":3223.847,"body":"a relationship with her and stuff, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3224.397,"endTime":3225.377,"body":"But it's true, we don't love her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3225.377,"endTime":3226.107,"body":"I'm sorry, but it's true."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3226.357,"endTime":3230.217,"body":"So yeah, so that's, that's why my Aunt"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3226.357,"endTime":3230.217,"body":"A was like, \"this is all your fault."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3230.327,"endTime":3233.377,"body":"It's because you weren't there for"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3230.327,"endTime":3233.377,"body":"her when she was depressed\", whatever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3233.837,"endTime":3236.987,"body":"Which, again, it's kind of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3233.837,"endTime":3236.987,"body":"weird, like, I'm the child."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3238.217,"endTime":3240.117,"body":"I shouldn't be my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3238.217,"endTime":3240.117,"body":"mother's emotional crutch."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3240.117,"endTime":3241.687,"body":"I don't even live in the same country."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3242.037,"endTime":3244.247,"body":"She has all of you,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3242.037,"endTime":3244.247,"body":"because my family is big."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3244.397,"endTime":3247.217,"body":"She has all the rest of the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3244.397,"endTime":3247.217,"body":"family with her in Poland."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3247.847,"endTime":3250.607,"body":"Meanwhile, I'm in England"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3247.847,"endTime":3250.607,"body":"alone with no one, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3250.667,"endTime":3251.767,"body":"No family support."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3252.347,"endTime":3254.907,"body":"And I'm the one who's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3252.347,"endTime":3254.907,"body":"responsible for her depression?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3255.267,"endTime":3255.817,"body":"Like, please."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3256.837,"endTime":3257.937,"body":"So yeah, so that day I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3256.837,"endTime":3257.937,"body":"decided, you know what?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3257.937,"endTime":3261.547,"body":"I think I'm gonna cut off Aunt A."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3257.937,"endTime":3261.547,"body":"She's just, she's gone too far."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3261.577,"endTime":3262.157,"body":"She's gone too far."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3262.227,"endTime":3264.427,"body":"I knew right away, like, oh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3262.227,"endTime":3264.427,"body":"this is not the right thing to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3264.427,"endTime":3266.557,"body":"say to someone who found their"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3264.427,"endTime":3266.557,"body":"mother after a suicide attempt."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3267.382,"endTime":3268.722,"body":"And then I couldn't stay"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3267.382,"endTime":3268.722,"body":"in that house anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3268.722,"endTime":3273.042,"body":"So I grabbed my things and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3268.722,"endTime":3273.042,"body":"I  stayed with Aunt B, and yeah,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3273.042,"endTime":3274.232,"body":"it was a hard couple of days."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3274.232,"endTime":3277.652,"body":"And then we got like, I think on the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3274.232,"endTime":3277.652,"body":"next day or two, we got a message"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3277.652,"endTime":3281.192,"body":"from the hospital that they, they"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3277.652,"endTime":3281.192,"body":"did the thing where they took"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3281.192,"endTime":3282.362,"body":"everything out of her stomach, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3282.392,"endTime":3285.342,"body":"I forgot what the word is"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3282.392,"endTime":3285.342,"body":"and they found no pills."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3286.342,"endTime":3290.762,"body":"So she just spilled the pills, drank"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3286.342,"endTime":3290.762,"body":"herself senseless, and called it a day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3291.142,"endTime":3293.792,"body":"I think maybe she wasn't expecting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3291.142,"endTime":3293.792,"body":"us to actually call the ambulance."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3294.492,"endTime":3297.842,"body":"Because clearly she was gonna, well now"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3294.492,"endTime":3297.842,"body":"I know, she would have just woken up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3297.932,"endTime":3298.742,"body":"She was just drunk."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3299.462,"endTime":3301.742,"body":"And the pills were just,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3299.462,"endTime":3301.742,"body":"you know, a manipulation."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3302.402,"endTime":3305.752,"body":"So the hospital told us a couple days"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3302.402,"endTime":3305.752,"body":"later there were no pills and she wasn't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3305.752,"endTime":3306.962,"body":"picking up the phone from anybody."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3306.962,"endTime":3308.552,"body":"She wasn't responding to any messages."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3309.052,"endTime":3310.562,"body":"At that point, I was like, you know what?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3310.562,"endTime":3312.712,"body":"At that point, I realized,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3310.562,"endTime":3312.712,"body":"okay, she's playing me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3312.732,"endTime":3316.392,"body":"She's just angry with me because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3312.732,"endTime":3316.392,"body":"I, I said out right that I'm not"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3316.412,"endTime":3317.462,"body":"going to be your sponsor anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3317.512,"endTime":3318.622,"body":"I don't want to send you money anymore."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3318.972,"endTime":3319.422,"body":"Yeah, you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3319.432,"endTime":3320.992,"body":"set a healthy boundary."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3322.252,"endTime":3323.262,"body":"Imagine that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3324.422,"endTime":3329.032,"body":"And then, of course, as a punishment,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3324.422,"endTime":3329.032,"body":"or I think maybe not as a punishment,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3329.032,"endTime":3334.562,"body":"but maybe she was again trying to do"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3329.032,"endTime":3334.562,"body":"an extreme pity bait, I call it, where"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3334.562,"endTime":3338.022,"body":"I'm like, oh, now I feel so bad for you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3334.562,"endTime":3338.022,"body":"because you're depressed and suicidal."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3338.022,"endTime":3339.332,"body":"I'm going to start"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3338.022,"endTime":3339.332,"body":"sending you money again."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3340.092,"endTime":3341.232,"body":"I think that was her intention."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3341.982,"endTime":3344.382,"body":"But also probably like part"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3341.982,"endTime":3344.382,"body":"of it was stealing spotlight"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3344.382,"endTime":3346.512,"body":"from my sister on her big day."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3346.952,"endTime":3347.342,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3347.982,"endTime":3354.327,"body":"When I  read your comic,  I read that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3347.982,"endTime":3354.327,"body":"timeline and I was so focused on that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3354.327,"endTime":3359.007,"body":"experience for you, like, finding her"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3354.327,"endTime":3359.007,"body":"and what you went through that I, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3359.017,"endTime":3362.157,"body":"even though you had said,  that it was"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3359.017,"endTime":3362.157,"body":"the wedding and you set that up, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3362.217,"endTime":3369.887,"body":"I just didn't even think about the fact"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3362.217,"endTime":3369.887,"body":"that she had done that the day after her"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3369.907,"endTime":3372.617,"body":"other daughter's wedding and, like, what,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3372.617,"endTime":3372.937,"body":"Same day, same night."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3372.937,"endTime":3376.957,"body":"Just how absolutely"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3372.937,"endTime":3376.957,"body":"wild that is  and it's just,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3377.837,"endTime":3378.137,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3379.617,"endTime":3380.127,"body":"It is crazy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3380.127,"endTime":3381.957,"body":"I do think she's crazy for attention."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3381.977,"endTime":3385.237,"body":"She does and says crazy"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3381.977,"endTime":3385.237,"body":"things quite a lot."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3385.862,"endTime":3388.342,"body":"So basically, my mother was in"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3385.862,"endTime":3388.342,"body":"the hospital for a couple days."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3388.412,"endTime":3389.812,"body":"We knew it was a fake suicide."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3390.232,"endTime":3391.892,"body":"She wasn't responding"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3390.232,"endTime":3391.892,"body":"to any messages, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3392.192,"endTime":3394.222,"body":"But she knew what day, I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3392.192,"endTime":3394.222,"body":"flying back to England."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3395.392,"endTime":3396.992,"body":"And she texted me like the day before."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3398.082,"endTime":3401.002,"body":"And the first thing she texted me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3398.082,"endTime":3401.002,"body":"was, \"Are you feeding the cat?\""},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3402.492,"endTime":3404.442,"body":"Are you, are you feeding the cat?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3404.932,"endTime":3405.352,"body":"Yes!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3405.972,"endTime":3406.262,"body":"I know!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3407.452,"endTime":3407.652,"body":"I know!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3408.562,"endTime":3411.592,"body":"I told my cousin, because at the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3408.562,"endTime":3411.592,"body":"time my cousin was nearby, and my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3411.592,"endTime":3413.282,"body":"cousin just laughed in an angry way."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3413.282,"endTime":3415.012,"body":"He was like, No, tell her it fucking died."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3415.382,"endTime":3417.182,"body":"Oh, jeez!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3417.462,"endTime":3418.502,"body":"Which of course was not true."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3418.552,"endTime":3421.652,"body":"Because her mother lives there, I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3418.552,"endTime":3421.652,"body":"sure her mother was feeding the cat."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3421.652,"endTime":3424.162,"body":"But, The point is, why is"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3421.652,"endTime":3424.162,"body":"that the first thing you said?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3424.512,"endTime":3426.062,"body":"Oh my god."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3426.132,"endTime":3428.762,"body":"Anyway, so, so I told her no."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3429.152,"endTime":3430.712,"body":"I couldn't stay in that house anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3431.172,"endTime":3432.072,"body":"I'm not there anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3432.462,"endTime":3435.482,"body":"And actually, as a side note, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3432.462,"endTime":3435.482,"body":"haven't been to that house since then."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3435.852,"endTime":3436.732,"body":"Because to me, it's cursed."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3436.742,"endTime":3438.874,"body":"I don't want to cross"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3436.742,"endTime":3438.874,"body":"that doorstep anymore."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3438.874,"endTime":3439.219,"body":"That's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3439.219,"endTime":3442.022,"body":"a really traumatic"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3439.219,"endTime":3442.022,"body":"thing to have  happened."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3442.042,"endTime":3442.552,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3443.502,"endTime":3446.262,"body":"So, because of my response,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3443.502,"endTime":3446.262,"body":"she realized that I'm upset."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3446.442,"endTime":3448.432,"body":"Which, I think it's crazy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3448.432,"endTime":3451.332,"body":"I think it shows that she never"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3448.432,"endTime":3451.332,"body":"considered she might have upset"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3451.782,"endTime":3454.247,"body":"me, like, in a sympathetic way."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3455.307,"endTime":3458.747,"body":"So she was never going to be sympathetic"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3455.307,"endTime":3458.747,"body":"about me going through the traumatic"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3458.747,"endTime":3459.927,"body":"experience of finding her like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3460.127,"endTime":3460.227,"body":"Right."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3460.307,"endTime":3461.077,"body":"So that's my point."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3462.902,"endTime":3467.272,"body":"Because she realized that I'm angry,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3462.902,"endTime":3467.272,"body":"and I'm traumatized, and I moved out."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3468.102,"endTime":3472.362,"body":"Then she started doing the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3468.102,"endTime":3472.362,"body":"manipulative, manipulation, the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3472.362,"endTime":3474.272,"body":"usual pity bait, as I call it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3474.662,"endTime":3477.672,"body":"Where she sent me, like, she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3474.662,"endTime":3477.672,"body":"done it so many times before."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3477.832,"endTime":3480.672,"body":"Once in a while, she would send"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3477.832,"endTime":3480.672,"body":"me this very long chat essay,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3481.032,"endTime":3482.722,"body":"saying, \"Oh, I'm such a bad mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3482.912,"endTime":3484.172,"body":"I know you deserve better."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3484.172,"endTime":3486.462,"body":"You would be happier if you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3484.172,"endTime":3486.462,"body":"cut me out of your life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3486.992,"endTime":3488.152,"body":"I'm sorry I'm such a burden\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3488.162,"endTime":3490.292,"body":"You know, like a really"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3488.162,"endTime":3490.292,"body":"long essay in that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3491.102,"endTime":3495.472,"body":"And she's said a couple times before,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3491.102,"endTime":3495.472,"body":"well, multiple, to me and to my sister."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3495.912,"endTime":3498.792,"body":"And then, of course, I would"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3495.912,"endTime":3498.792,"body":"always do the normal response of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3498.792,"endTime":3499.972,"body":"like, \"No, you're a good mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3499.972,"endTime":3500.512,"body":"I love you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3500.822,"endTime":3501.812,"body":"Yeah, it's all fine."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3502.262,"endTime":3504.832,"body":"Here, have another, um, another"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3502.262,"endTime":3504.832,"body":"hundred pounds\", you know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3505.082,"endTime":3507.212,"body":"And so, of course, I kept doing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3505.082,"endTime":3507.212,"body":"that, except for this time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3508.092,"endTime":3509.742,"body":"I realized she's just,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3508.092,"endTime":3509.742,"body":"you know, playing me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3509.742,"endTime":3512.062,"body":"She's, I, I decided already"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3509.742,"endTime":3512.062,"body":"I'm cutting her off."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3512.672,"endTime":3514.282,"body":"So I said, Yes, I agree with you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3514.757,"endTime":3518.027,"body":"I will be happier without you and I'm,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3514.757,"endTime":3518.027,"body":"I don't want to hear from you anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3519.327,"endTime":3523.137,"body":"And I think it's hilarious"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3519.327,"endTime":3523.137,"body":"in a black humor way that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3523.147,"endTime":3524.537,"body":"her mask dropped right away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3526.587,"endTime":3529.877,"body":"She just dropped the mask right"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3526.587,"endTime":3529.877,"body":"away, even though a minute ago, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3529.877,"endTime":3532.727,"body":"was writing this emotional essay"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3529.877,"endTime":3532.727,"body":"about being a bad mother, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3533.127,"endTime":3536.027,"body":"As soon as I said it, she was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3533.127,"endTime":3536.027,"body":"like, \"No, you can't do that. I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3536.027,"endTime":3537.047,"body":"depressed. It's not my fault\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3540.127,"endTime":3544.157,"body":"So I was like, Oh my God, I can't believe"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3540.127,"endTime":3544.157,"body":"she just dropped the mask instantly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3544.757,"endTime":3548.217,"body":"So all these times she was telling"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3544.757,"endTime":3548.217,"body":"me, \"Please cut me out of your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3548.217,"endTime":3549.197,"body":"life. You will be happier\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3549.277,"endTime":3554.367,"body":"She never meant it because at one time I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3549.277,"endTime":3554.367,"body":"agreed she's she backtracked right away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3554.367,"endTime":3556.467,"body":"She was like, \"No, you cannot do that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3556.467,"endTime":3556.977,"body":"It's not my fault."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3556.977,"endTime":3557.692,"body":"I'm depressed\"."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3558.922,"endTime":3559.302,"body":"That's not what"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3559.302,"endTime":3561.152,"body":"you're supposed to do when I say that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3561.152,"endTime":3562.502,"body":"Oh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3562.502,"endTime":3563.852,"body":"yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3563.852,"endTime":3566.882,"body":"That was like the final straw"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3563.852,"endTime":3566.882,"body":"that confirmed in my head"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3566.922,"endTime":3568.102,"body":"that she's just manipulative."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3568.162,"endTime":3570.772,"body":"Because up to that point,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3568.162,"endTime":3570.772,"body":"I'll admit, I had some doubt."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3570.932,"endTime":3572.652,"body":"I was thinking, okay,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3570.932,"endTime":3572.652,"body":"maybe she is depressed."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3573.212,"endTime":3575.072,"body":"Maybe she was sad at the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3573.212,"endTime":3575.072,"body":"wedding for some reason."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3575.817,"endTime":3577.937,"body":"Maybe I'm being a bad daughter"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3575.817,"endTime":3577.937,"body":"by planning to cut her off"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3577.967,"endTime":3579.877,"body":"after her fake suicide thing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3579.877,"endTime":3580.097,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3580.147,"endTime":3582.017,"body":"Maybe she just, she needs"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3580.147,"endTime":3582.017,"body":"my help or whatever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3582.277,"endTime":3586.049,"body":"But the moment that moment when her mask"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3582.277,"endTime":3586.049,"body":"dropped, I was like, okay, that's it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3586.049,"endTime":3587.097,"body":"She's a bad person."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3587.777,"endTime":3588.407,"body":"I'm cutting her off."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3590.647,"endTime":3593.477,"body":"So yeah, that was, uh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3590.647,"endTime":3593.477,"body":"over three years ago."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3594.047,"endTime":3596.807,"body":"And like I mentioned, we share our"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3594.047,"endTime":3596.807,"body":"family group chat, but because there's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3596.807,"endTime":3600.997,"body":"a lot of people there, she usually"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3596.807,"endTime":3600.997,"body":"refrains from writing emotional essays."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3601.007,"endTime":3604.217,"body":"Although sometimes she will, sometimes"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3601.007,"endTime":3604.217,"body":"she will be like, \"Oh, Monika,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3604.557,"endTime":3607.027,"body":"please. When you come to Poland,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3604.557,"endTime":3607.027,"body":"stay with me. I miss you so much\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3607.107,"endTime":3610.307,"body":"And then everybody else is"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3607.107,"endTime":3610.307,"body":"like, \"Don't. Don't do that\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3610.307,"endTime":3612.837,"body":"But yeah, I blocked her privately"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3610.307,"endTime":3612.837,"body":"so she cannot message me privately."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3612.857,"endTime":3615.587,"body":"Although, unfortunately, I did"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3612.857,"endTime":3615.587,"body":"have to unblock her a couple times"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3615.617,"endTime":3617.817,"body":"because there was like paperwork"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3615.617,"endTime":3617.817,"body":"for the house or whatever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3618.687,"endTime":3620.457,"body":"So there, there was reason to unblock her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3620.477,"endTime":3623.807,"body":"And the couple of times that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3620.477,"endTime":3623.807,"body":"I did see her, she still"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3623.807,"endTime":3625.227,"body":"tried to manipulate me so bad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3626.037,"endTime":3630.867,"body":"Uh, like one time we had to meet up like a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3626.037,"endTime":3630.867,"body":"year later for some legal paperwork stuff."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3630.867,"endTime":3631.117,"body":"Right."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3631.117,"endTime":3633.867,"body":"So we, I just met her in town,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3631.117,"endTime":3633.867,"body":"her and my sister, and we went"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3633.867,"endTime":3635.767,"body":"to the lawyer to sign something."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3635.817,"endTime":3639.177,"body":"And in the waiting room, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3635.817,"endTime":3639.177,"body":"launched her pity bait right away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3639.177,"endTime":3643.287,"body":"She was like, \"Oh, don't worry, Monika,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3639.177,"endTime":3643.287,"body":"about, like, supporting me when I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3643.287,"endTime":3646.407,"body":"old, because as soon as I pay off"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3643.287,"endTime":3646.407,"body":"my debts, I'm gonna kill myself\"."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3646.407,"endTime":3646.577,"body":"Wow!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3648.477,"endTime":3649.867,"body":"You know, like, right away."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3651.197,"endTime":3651.847,"body":"Wow."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3651.847,"endTime":3652.467,"body":"But I know it's a bait."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3652.997,"endTime":3653.807,"body":"I know it's a bait."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3653.807,"endTime":3655.697,"body":"That was, like, both barrels."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3655.727,"endTime":3656.797,"body":"Just, holy shit."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3656.797,"endTime":3657.067,"body":"What?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3657.067,"endTime":3657.637,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3657.687,"endTime":3661.307,"body":"And me and my sister were just rolling"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3657.687,"endTime":3661.307,"body":"our eyes, because at that point, we're"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3661.307,"endTime":3663.517,"body":"fully aware she just, she doesn't mean it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3663.517,"endTime":3665.697,"body":"For one thing, she's too"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3663.517,"endTime":3665.697,"body":"narcissistic to kill herself."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3665.697,"endTime":3666.187,"body":"She's not."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3666.872,"endTime":3667.312,"body":"She's gonna be a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3667.769,"endTime":3672.172,"body":"ripe old age and then when she's retired"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3667.769,"endTime":3672.172,"body":"she's gonna sue my sister and I for um,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3672.632,"endTime":3675.952,"body":"like alimony or whatever it is where you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3672.632,"endTime":3675.952,"body":"have to pay benefits for your parents."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3676.002,"endTime":3676.862,"body":"We expect that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3677.492,"endTime":3678.252,"body":"Oh jeez."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3679.082,"endTime":3681.362,"body":"So yeah, that's crazy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3682.367,"endTime":3685.407,"body":"There's one more story I want"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3682.367,"endTime":3685.407,"body":"to say, which is more about my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3685.407,"endTime":3688.557,"body":"sister, but it's okay, I have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3685.407,"endTime":3688.557,"body":"her permission to talk about it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3689.207,"endTime":3691.677,"body":"So my sister was the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3689.207,"endTime":3691.677,"body":"assigned bad child, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3691.747,"endTime":3694.577,"body":"Which I think is also common"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3691.747,"endTime":3694.577,"body":"in narcissistic households,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3694.617,"endTime":3695.487,"body":"if I'm not mistaken."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3695.487,"endTime":3696.807,"body":"Like, you're assigned a scapegoat."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3696.887,"endTime":3698.817,"body":"Yeah, like the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3696.887,"endTime":3698.817,"body":"scapegoat child, yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3699.177,"endTime":3701.037,"body":"Yes, yes, so that was my sister."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3701.127,"endTime":3703.027,"body":"So it's actually  quite funny"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3701.127,"endTime":3703.027,"body":"because my sister and I, we"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3703.027,"endTime":3704.387,"body":"disagree on who had it worse."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3705.132,"endTime":3706.122,"body":"I think she had it worse."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3706.122,"endTime":3709.312,"body":"She thinks I had it worse, which"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3706.122,"endTime":3709.312,"body":"kind of shows how bad it was."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3709.312,"endTime":3712.882,"body":"So there was a point where I was in"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3709.312,"endTime":3712.882,"body":"secondary school and my sister was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3712.882,"endTime":3716.512,"body":"in primary school where my sister"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3712.882,"endTime":3716.512,"body":"was changing for PE and somebody"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3716.512,"endTime":3718.162,"body":"noticed the marks on her body, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3718.757,"endTime":3720.007,"body":"Like the belt marks on her back."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3720.817,"endTime":3724.257,"body":"So somebody approached like the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3720.817,"endTime":3724.257,"body":"school psychiatrist and they started"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3724.257,"endTime":3725.597,"body":"a whole case about child abuse."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3726.097,"endTime":3730.157,"body":"And we actually had a police"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3726.097,"endTime":3730.157,"body":"case about being taken away from"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3730.157,"endTime":3731.647,"body":"our mother for abuse, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3731.937,"endTime":3734.987,"body":"So, we spoke to the police"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3731.937,"endTime":3734.987,"body":"separately and all that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3735.147,"endTime":3739.057,"body":"But of course like Poland is a very"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3735.147,"endTime":3739.057,"body":"religious, conservative country, so they"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3739.057,"endTime":3741.567,"body":"were not that forward thinking back then."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3741.567,"endTime":3744.947,"body":"So they just told my sister, oh, If"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3741.567,"endTime":3744.947,"body":"you're just behaving better, she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3744.967,"endTime":3746.237,"body":"not, she's gonna stop hitting you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3747.087,"endTime":3747.737,"body":"So,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3748.507,"endTime":3748.647,"body":"oof"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3748.867,"endTime":3749.687,"body":"that didn't happen."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3749.757,"endTime":3752.347,"body":"Well, I mean, us being"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3749.757,"endTime":3752.347,"body":"taken away didn't happen."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3752.357,"endTime":3753.797,"body":"And also, crazy thing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3754.137,"endTime":3758.71,"body":"Even though she had a police case for"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3754.137,"endTime":3758.71,"body":"hitting her, she didn't stop hitting her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3758.71,"endTime":3760.717,"body":"She still beat her after."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3761.667,"endTime":3766.077,"body":"Which, for one thing, I, I started to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3761.667,"endTime":3766.077,"body":"say, I think my mother just has a low IQ."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3766.117,"endTime":3768.577,"body":"I think she's just stupid"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3766.117,"endTime":3768.577,"body":"as well as abusive."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3769.707,"endTime":3773.794,"body":"Okay, I'm glad you said"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3769.707,"endTime":3773.794,"body":"it because I felt bad, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3773.794,"endTime":3775.942,"body":"being the one to just say it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3775.942,"endTime":3777.17,"body":"No, you can say"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3777.17,"endTime":3777.477,"body":"anything."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3777.477,"endTime":3782.257,"body":"And, and also,  I do hear,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3777.477,"endTime":3782.257,"body":"that that's kind of,  the fear that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3782.257,"endTime":3786.247,"body":"is instilled with children who are"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3782.257,"endTime":3786.247,"body":"abused,  of it being discovered or it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3786.257,"endTime":3790.967,"body":"being reported because, if the report"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3786.257,"endTime":3790.967,"body":"doesn't go all the way with the child"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3790.977,"endTime":3796.847,"body":"being removed, then that, that fear of,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3790.977,"endTime":3796.847,"body":"like, then I'm going to be punished for"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3796.987,"endTime":3803.327,"body":"the trouble of the police involvement"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3796.987,"endTime":3803.327,"body":"or the report existing,  and just, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3803.327,"endTime":3805.447,"body":"that being a whole, a whole problem."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3805.537,"endTime":3805.927,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3805.927,"endTime":3808.327,"body":"And there is one more crazy"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3805.927,"endTime":3808.327,"body":"story about that, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3808.607,"endTime":3814.247,"body":"So, we lived in, uh, poverty, that was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3808.607,"endTime":3814.247,"body":"after my parents divorced, we were only"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3814.247,"endTime":3817.837,"body":"raised by my mother, my sister and I, my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3814.247,"endTime":3817.837,"body":"mother, we lived, the three of us, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3817.977,"endTime":3819.717,"body":"No father figure."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3820.427,"endTime":3822.117,"body":"Well, my father was, you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3820.427,"endTime":3822.117,"body":"know, visiting and all that,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3822.287,"endTime":3824.287,"body":"but, anyway, he was separate."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3825.087,"endTime":3830.876,"body":"We lived in poverty, we literally got"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3825.087,"endTime":3830.876,"body":"like,  like donation food in our fridge."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3831.676,"endTime":3835.126,"body":"That was like, free food from"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3831.676,"endTime":3835.126,"body":"European Union fund, whatever,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3835.146,"endTime":3836.946,"body":"like it had ? Stamp on it, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3837.896,"endTime":3842.456,"body":"And then, after the police case thing,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3837.896,"endTime":3842.456,"body":"I think, like, 100 percent just to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3842.456,"endTime":3846.186,"body":"manipulate my sister into feeling"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3842.456,"endTime":3846.186,"body":"bad, she said to my sister, who was,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3846.416,"endTime":3849.776,"body":"how old could she have been, she was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3846.416,"endTime":3849.776,"body":"maybe like 13 at the time, she said to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3849.776,"endTime":3854.416,"body":"her, Oh, I was going to adopt a third"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3849.776,"endTime":3854.416,"body":"child, but because of you, because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3854.426,"endTime":3857.546,"body":"you reported me to the police, now"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3854.426,"endTime":3857.546,"body":"I cannot adopt, and it's your fault."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3858.386,"endTime":3859.236,"body":"That's fucked up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3859.246,"endTime":3861.746,"body":"Well, first of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3859.246,"endTime":3861.746,"body":"all, that's fucked up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3861.746,"endTime":3863.586,"body":"Second of all, that cannot even be true."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3863.586,"endTime":3868.026,"body":"Because as a single mother,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3863.586,"endTime":3868.026,"body":"making barely any money, nobody"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3868.026,"endTime":3869.416,"body":"would let her adopt a child."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3869.866,"endTime":3870.936,"body":"That's not how adoption works."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3870.996,"endTime":3872.986,"body":"That doesn't make any sense."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3873.786,"endTime":3876.126,"body":"That was a complete lie,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3873.786,"endTime":3876.126,"body":"but of course my sister was 13."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3876.896,"endTime":3878.486,"body":"Why would she even say"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3876.896,"endTime":3878.486,"body":"something like that?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3880.121,"endTime":3880.746,"body":"I, I just,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3880.751,"endTime":3885.916,"body":"and, and also like, like even"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3880.751,"endTime":3885.916,"body":"if, even if adopting were possible, it's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3885.916,"endTime":3888.406,"body":"just a total shift of responsibility."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3888.406,"endTime":3888.407,"body":"Mm-hmm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3889.006,"endTime":3893.566,"body":"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3889.006,"endTime":3893.566,"body":"Hecate: Because like, because you had"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3894.001,"endTime":3897.111,"body":"Like, it's your, it's your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3894.001,"endTime":3897.111,"body":"responsibility to just sort of like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3897.161,"endTime":3900.801,"body":"I love how we skip over the fact"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3897.161,"endTime":3900.801,"body":"that you beat your children and that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3900.801,"endTime":3904.221,"body":"that's your decision and your fault."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3904.981,"endTime":3907.941,"body":"Yes, she's just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3904.981,"endTime":3907.941,"body":"messed up on so many levels."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3908.251,"endTime":3910.861,"body":"That's, that's all the main stories"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3908.251,"endTime":3910.861,"body":"I wanted to get off my chest."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3910.901,"endTime":3911.461,"body":"Thank you for listening."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3911.461,"endTime":3911.761,"body":"Yeah,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3911.831,"endTime":3912.991,"body":"no, no, thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3913.281,"endTime":3914.041,"body":"Like, thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3914.081,"endTime":3917.891,"body":"Hearing all these stories and,  just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3914.081,"endTime":3917.891,"body":"making connections  with,  the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3918.551,"endTime":3921.671,"body":"comic strip, that, that I've"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3918.551,"endTime":3921.671,"body":"been reading and, like, it, it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3921.711,"endTime":3923.491,"body":"adds so much, so much context."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3923.541,"endTime":3928.871,"body":"Honestly, that's, that's why I started,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3923.541,"endTime":3928.871,"body":"the podcast is so that survivors"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3928.911,"endTime":3933.721,"body":"can connect so that we can talk to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3928.911,"endTime":3933.721,"body":"each other and hear from each other."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3933.741,"endTime":3937.261,"body":"Everything helps in terms of of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3933.741,"endTime":3937.261,"body":"healing, whether it's, you know,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3937.261,"endTime":3940.711,"body":"like working with professionals, or"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3937.261,"endTime":3940.711,"body":"reading books, or anything like that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3941.201,"endTime":3944.781,"body":"But why I started doing this was I"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3941.201,"endTime":3944.781,"body":"noticed that the conversations that I"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3944.781,"endTime":3949.391,"body":"was having with friends who had shared"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3944.781,"endTime":3949.391,"body":"experiences, whether it was with abuse"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3949.431,"endTime":3954.716,"body":"or sexual assault,  and that, connecting"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3949.431,"endTime":3954.716,"body":"with them and hearing somebody else,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3954.756,"endTime":3960.126,"body":"uh, share an experience that had any"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3954.756,"endTime":3960.126,"body":"similarity with your own and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3960.136,"endTime":3962.486,"body":"kind of, uh, sharing with each other"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3962.966,"endTime":3968.836,"body":"because there is just like this, this"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3962.966,"endTime":3968.836,"body":"really important aspect of sharing with"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3968.876,"endTime":3972.656,"body":"other human beings,  whether, you know,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3968.876,"endTime":3972.656,"body":"they're friends or, or, you know, like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3972.656,"endTime":3977.686,"body":"someone that I connected with, you know,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3972.656,"endTime":3977.686,"body":"new in the world, like you like to, to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3977.686,"endTime":3981.836,"body":"hear from another human being and to know"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3977.686,"endTime":3981.836,"body":"that you're not alone and then to, to make"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3981.836,"endTime":3984.046,"body":"connections and say like, \"Oh, me too\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":3984.486,"endTime":3985.206,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3985.306,"endTime":3986.536,"body":"That's really important."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3986.726,"endTime":3993.416,"body":"And I think survivors learn so much from"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3986.726,"endTime":3993.416,"body":"each other and we all just kind of like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3993.446,"endTime":3999.306,"body":"pool our knowledge and our experiences and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3993.446,"endTime":3999.306,"body":"help each other process what has happened"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3999.306,"endTime":4005.126,"body":"in our own lives and then heal, and in"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":3999.306,"endTime":4005.126,"body":"whatever way is best because healing is"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4005.126,"endTime":4009.106,"body":"so completely unique to each individual"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4005.126,"endTime":4009.106,"body":"person, not just because their, their"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4009.106,"endTime":4011.956,"body":"experiences are unique in their lives."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4012.486,"endTime":4015.296,"body":"But because like different things"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4012.486,"endTime":4015.296,"body":"will help different people."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4015.296,"endTime":4019.266,"body":"And so like hearing from different"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4015.296,"endTime":4019.266,"body":"people in terms of like what's useful,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4019.266,"endTime":4021.346,"body":"what's helpful, like what works for you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4022.086,"endTime":4027.266,"body":"And so I, like, that's why I started doing"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4022.086,"endTime":4027.266,"body":"this is just to have the conversations."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4027.276,"endTime":4028.416,"body":"So I'm all"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4028.416,"endTime":4030.116,"body":"about conversations."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4030.116,"endTime":4032.251,"body":"It's a really great project."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4032.331,"endTime":4034.941,"body":"I'm sure your episodes have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4032.331,"endTime":4034.941,"body":"helped a lot of people."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4035.841,"endTime":4037.551,"body":"I especially enjoyed"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4035.841,"endTime":4037.551,"body":"your episode with Obelis."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4038.541,"endTime":4041.051,"body":"I was so excited"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4038.541,"endTime":4041.051,"body":"that she said yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4041.351,"endTime":4043.321,"body":"I'm so excited that you reached out."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4043.321,"endTime":4045.851,"body":"Yeah, she's great."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4045.931,"endTime":4046.311,"body":"She's great."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4046.896,"endTime":4049.406,"body":"Yeah, it's, it's been really"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4046.896,"endTime":4049.406,"body":"exciting too, like, getting to talk"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4049.406,"endTime":4051.156,"body":"to people  from other countries."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4051.156,"endTime":4054.636,"body":"That's been, like, a relatively new"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4051.156,"endTime":4054.636,"body":"thing, because it started with more,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4054.636,"endTime":4058.916,"body":"like, people that I knew at first, and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4054.636,"endTime":4058.916,"body":"then branching out more and more,  and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4058.916,"endTime":4062.606,"body":"getting to connect with people, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4058.916,"endTime":4062.606,"body":"across the world,  it's just been"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4062.676,"endTime":4064.616,"body":"a really exciting development, so,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4064.976,"endTime":4065.256,"body":"yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4065.796,"endTime":4067.876,"body":"I want to say on a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4065.796,"endTime":4067.876,"body":"slightly more, like, selfish"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4067.876,"endTime":4069.156,"body":"note, but I think I'm justified."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4069.746,"endTime":4074.061,"body":"Another way that talking about my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4069.746,"endTime":4074.061,"body":"experiences helps me, It's because other"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4074.061,"endTime":4078.781,"body":"people reassure me that I'm not the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4074.061,"endTime":4078.781,"body":"crazy one, and, and my mother is a cunt."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4079.391,"endTime":4079.881,"body":"That is"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4080.411,"endTime":4085.361,"body":"Of course at first I wasn't sure,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4080.411,"endTime":4085.361,"body":"if I'm just like, am I exaggerating?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4085.831,"endTime":4087.251,"body":"Is this like a normal childhood?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4087.611,"endTime":4088.161,"body":"Should I shut up?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4088.821,"endTime":4090.281,"body":"And then I draw those comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4090.641,"endTime":4091.791,"body":"And then I actually love it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4092.031,"endTime":4095.721,"body":"I know it's kind of sick, but I love"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4092.031,"endTime":4095.721,"body":"it when people comment that, oh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4095.731,"endTime":4096.801,"body":"your mother's a cunt, I hate her."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4097.881,"endTime":4099.261,"body":"Yeah, no, it's super"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4099.811,"endTime":4100.411,"body":"validating."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4101.551,"endTime":4103.321,"body":"Validating, that's the word, yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4103.321,"endTime":4107.301,"body":"No, it, like, it really does"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4103.321,"endTime":4107.301,"body":"help an immense amount to just be like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4107.301,"endTime":4111.751,"body":"yeah, so this happens and have someone"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4107.301,"endTime":4111.751,"body":"else say, \"That's really fucked up\"."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4111.751,"endTime":4113.761,"body":"You're like, you're right."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4114.051,"endTime":4114.691,"body":"It is."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4115.271,"endTime":4115.691,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4115.751,"endTime":4116.231,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4116.846,"endTime":4117.551,"body":"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4116.846,"endTime":4117.551,"body":"Yes, exactly."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4119.441,"endTime":4122.711,"body":"Yeah, no, that's like an"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4119.441,"endTime":4122.711,"body":"incredibly important part of it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4123.431,"endTime":4127.731,"body":", and it, it feels weird,  but"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4123.431,"endTime":4127.731,"body":"it is, it, it helps."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4127.736,"endTime":4127.826,"body":"Mm-hmm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4127.911,"endTime":4131.091,"body":"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4127.911,"endTime":4131.091,"body":"Hecate: It helps you put it into"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4131.331,"endTime":4131.481,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4131.511,"endTime":4135.711,"body":"A part of abuse is just this"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4131.511,"endTime":4135.711,"body":"constant process of them, manipulating"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4135.711,"endTime":4138.261,"body":"how you see them and how you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4138.321,"endTime":4138.411,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4138.411,"endTime":4138.471,"body":"Uh."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4139.946,"endTime":4144.956,"body":"Just understand the dynamic and it's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4139.946,"endTime":4144.956,"body":"really difficult to start to shift"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4144.986,"endTime":4149.616,"body":"that over time to be like that was"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4144.986,"endTime":4149.616,"body":"unacceptable or that was inappropriate"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4149.646,"endTime":4154.736,"body":"or this is a healthy boundary and you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4149.646,"endTime":4154.736,"body":"constantly question yourself after years"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4154.736,"endTime":4156.846,"body":"and years and years of conditioning."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4157.246,"endTime":4160.466,"body":"And so it's really helpful to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4157.246,"endTime":4160.466,"body":"have that outside perspective of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4160.476,"endTime":4165.096,"body":"someone say, like, just validate"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4160.476,"endTime":4165.096,"body":"that, like, that was unacceptable."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4165.176,"endTime":4166.696,"body":"You deserved better."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4166.796,"endTime":4169.426,"body":"Yeah, without that,  you're"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4166.796,"endTime":4169.426,"body":"just in your own head."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4169.526,"endTime":4172.306,"body":"And you'll be fighting yourself sometimes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4172.366,"endTime":4174.456,"body":"Um, like, I still do it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4174.486,"endTime":4178.946,"body":"It's years since I've exited certain"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4174.486,"endTime":4178.946,"body":"situations with certain people and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4178.946,"endTime":4183.046,"body":"every so often I'm like, am I just crazy?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4183.116,"endTime":4184.926,"body":"Maybe I, like, you'll still"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4184.926,"endTime":4185.566,"body":"Am I exaggerating?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4185.566,"endTime":4186.186,"body":"-have those moments."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4186.476,"endTime":4187.006,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4187.046,"endTime":4187.746,"body":"Oh, definitely."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4187.746,"endTime":4188.116,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4188.376,"endTime":4189.686,"body":"I'm like, am I just being a cunt?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4189.696,"endTime":4190.756,"body":"Am I exaggerating?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4191.156,"endTime":4192.246,"body":"Yeah, I talked to my mother again?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4192.926,"endTime":4195.666,"body":"And then I hear some new story of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4192.926,"endTime":4195.666,"body":"what she did, and I'm like, okay,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4195.666,"endTime":4200.736,"body":"she's still, she's still a cunt, she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4195.666,"endTime":4200.736,"body":"still a bad person, it's just, now I,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4201.116,"endTime":4204.256,"body":"because the whole family knows, right,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4201.116,"endTime":4204.256,"body":"basically that day  when I found her,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4204.256,"endTime":4206.486,"body":"that day was the day when the dam broke."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4206.781,"endTime":4208.551,"body":"And I ended up telling"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4206.781,"endTime":4208.551,"body":"everyone everything."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4208.651,"endTime":4210.041,"body":"I just couldn't hold it in anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4210.851,"endTime":4214.551,"body":"So now everybody knows in the family about"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4210.851,"endTime":4214.551,"body":"like our childhood and how fucked up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4215.451,"endTime":4217.611,"body":"So they just come to me with"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4215.451,"endTime":4217.611,"body":"like new stories of another"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4217.611,"endTime":4218.341,"body":"fucked up thing she done."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4218.551,"endTime":4220.771,"body":"I'm like, well, yeah, still a cunt."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4220.771,"endTime":4223.261,"body":"You had kind of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4220.771,"endTime":4223.261,"body":"mentioned that like her mask had"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4223.271,"endTime":4225.171,"body":"dropped more with the family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4225.171,"endTime":4225.771,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4226.061,"endTime":4227.821,"body":"And was that when that happened?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4227.961,"endTime":4231.411,"body":"When you told everybody all"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4227.961,"endTime":4231.411,"body":"this information, she just like."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4232.436,"endTime":4234.756,"body":"Like, didn't see a point"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4232.436,"endTime":4234.756,"body":"in it anymore, or like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4234.756,"endTime":4235.836,"body":"how do you think?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4236.946,"endTime":4239.376,"body":"Yeah, maybe that's it, or"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4236.946,"endTime":4239.376,"body":"maybe it was just the fake suicide"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4239.416,"endTime":4240.636,"body":"thing in general, I'm not sure."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4240.636,"endTime":4243.016,"body":"But, like, actually, yeah, the way"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4240.636,"endTime":4243.016,"body":"you put it, that does make sense."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4243.226,"endTime":4246.046,"body":"Maybe she knew, maybe she found"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4243.226,"endTime":4246.046,"body":"out that I'm telling people."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4246.736,"endTime":4248.846,"body":"But, again, because I don't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4246.736,"endTime":4248.846,"body":"think she's intelligent."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4249.706,"endTime":4252.566,"body":"She just decided to stop"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4249.706,"endTime":4252.566,"body":"bothering with the mask."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4252.566,"endTime":4255.586,"body":"She couldn't manipulate"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4252.566,"endTime":4255.586,"body":"the information that everybody had"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4255.586,"endTime":4261.806,"body":"anymore  because like controlling"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4255.586,"endTime":4261.806,"body":"what everybody is aware of  is like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4261.806,"endTime":4266.07,"body":"a huge, huge, important part of that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4266.1,"endTime":4269.39,"body":"And if you took away some of that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4266.1,"endTime":4269.39,"body":"control, maybe that shifted the game."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4269.49,"endTime":4271.11,"body":"I suppose maybe it's not just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4271.11,"endTime":4273.94,"body":"me, but maybe also because the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4271.11,"endTime":4273.94,"body":"whole family knew that there"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4273.94,"endTime":4275.11,"body":"were no pills in her stomach."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4276.2,"endTime":4277.91,"body":"So they all knew it was fake."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4278.123,"endTime":4278.993,"body":"That's a game changer."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4278.993,"endTime":4280.343,"body":"So she's still, she's still the same."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4280.343,"endTime":4282.433,"body":"She still tries to pity bait people."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4282.503,"endTime":4285.563,"body":"Once in a while she'll message me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4282.503,"endTime":4285.563,"body":"on one of her essays if she's not"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4285.563,"endTime":4287.003,"body":"blocked, but now she's blocked again."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4287.783,"endTime":4289.873,"body":"And then I just wish she wouldn't be"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4287.783,"endTime":4289.873,"body":"shameless enough to do it publicly"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4289.873,"endTime":4293.993,"body":"on the family chat, or At first I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4289.873,"endTime":4293.993,"body":"avoiding all the family reunions, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4294.283,"endTime":4295.423,"body":"Because I couldn't stand to see her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4295.733,"endTime":4297.763,"body":"But now it's been three years,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4295.733,"endTime":4297.763,"body":"and I'm like, okay, why should I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4297.763,"endTime":4299.596,"body":"miss out on great family parties?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4299.986,"endTime":4303.246,"body":"If there's gonna be like 30 plus"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4299.986,"endTime":4303.246,"body":"people there, I can just avoid her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4303.686,"endTime":4306.466,"body":"I can just be civil about it and be like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4303.686,"endTime":4306.466,"body":"\"yes, hello, how are you doing, bye\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4306.656,"endTime":4308.546,"body":"You know, like pretend we're"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4306.656,"endTime":4308.546,"body":"neighbors or something."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4308.546,"endTime":4310.756,"body":"So I've been trying to do that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4308.546,"endTime":4310.756,"body":"but still she keeps pulling"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4310.756,"endTime":4311.786,"body":"some weird shit every time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4312.746,"endTime":4313.346,"body":"She's so weird."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4313.386,"endTime":4317.466,"body":"So the last time I saw her in person,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4313.386,"endTime":4317.466,"body":"right, so it was June 2023, and there"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4317.466,"endTime":4323.086,"body":"was this massive family party in the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4317.466,"endTime":4323.086,"body":"countryside, 50 people, all family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4323.126,"endTime":4326.566,"body":"So like, you know, all the cousins,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4323.126,"endTime":4326.566,"body":"aunts, drinking, dancing, it was great."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4326.606,"endTime":4329.026,"body":"And I figured, yeah, that's enough"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4326.606,"endTime":4329.026,"body":"people, I can easily avoid her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4329.636,"endTime":4330.676,"body":"And then she's so weird."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4330.676,"endTime":4333.766,"body":"She just started acting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4330.676,"endTime":4333.766,"body":"like a paparazzi towards me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4334.066,"endTime":4336.316,"body":"She was following me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4334.066,"endTime":4336.316,"body":"with her phone like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4337.346,"endTime":4339.026,"body":"Recording me openly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4340.846,"endTime":4342.637,"body":"So yeah, she doesn't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4340.846,"endTime":4342.637,"body":"bother pretending anymore."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4342.637,"endTime":4343.498,"body":"Like the whole time?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4343.498,"endTime":4344.359,"body":"Well, no, no, no."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4344.359,"endTime":4345.866,"body":"Not the whole time to be fair."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4345.866,"endTime":4349.066,"body":"That was closer to the end and that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4345.866,"endTime":4349.066,"body":"was maybe like for half an hour."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4349.066,"endTime":4352.501,"body":"But still, I realized Because I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4349.066,"endTime":4352.501,"body":"dancing on the dance floor, yeah?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4352.731,"endTime":4355.011,"body":"And then I realized she's recording,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4352.731,"endTime":4355.011,"body":"and I thought, Oh, no, I don't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4355.011,"endTime":4356.411,"body":"want to be in your video, cunt."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4356.761,"endTime":4359.051,"body":"So I moved behind the tree."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4359.581,"endTime":4361.891,"body":"Because this is happening, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4359.581,"endTime":4361.891,"body":"on the countryside, outside, yeah?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4361.891,"endTime":4363.671,"body":"So I moved behind the tree."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4363.871,"endTime":4367.011,"body":"And then she moved to have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4363.871,"endTime":4367.011,"body":"me in the frame again."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4367.271,"endTime":4370.111,"body":"And this happened, like, Well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4367.271,"endTime":4370.111,"body":"the first time I was like, well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4370.131,"endTime":4372.481,"body":"that could be a coincidence, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4370.131,"endTime":4372.481,"body":"then she did it two more times."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4372.481,"endTime":4374.051,"body":"I was like, okay, she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4372.481,"endTime":4374.051,"body":"just taking the piss."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4374.591,"endTime":4377.711,"body":"She's specifically targeting me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4374.591,"endTime":4377.711,"body":"with her camera and well, people,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4377.711,"endTime":4379.951,"body":"of course, wouldn't care to notice,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4377.711,"endTime":4379.951,"body":"but it's going to be obvious when"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4379.951,"endTime":4381.881,"body":"she posts that video, which she did."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4382.581,"endTime":4385.229,"body":"So I just moved three times"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4382.581,"endTime":4385.229,"body":"and then  I was like, oh, I, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4385.249,"endTime":4386.089,"body":"don't feel like dancing anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4386.149,"endTime":4386.989,"body":"She's ruining it for me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4387.189,"endTime":4388.329,"body":"So I walked away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4388.779,"endTime":4391.779,"body":"I went and I sat by the bonfire and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4388.779,"endTime":4391.779,"body":"I started talking to people instead."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4392.804,"endTime":4396.994,"body":"And she sat opposite me, in the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4392.804,"endTime":4396.994,"body":"same bonfire, and she kept recording"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4397.294,"endTime":4400.574,"body":"me, just talking to other people,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4397.294,"endTime":4400.574,"body":"and I was like, okay, she's just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4401.394,"endTime":4402.854,"body":"Do you think"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4401.394,"endTime":4402.854,"body":"she was trying to, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4402.854,"endTime":4406.154,"body":"antagonize you, or get you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4402.854,"endTime":4406.154,"body":"to, like, act out towards her?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4406.164,"endTime":4406.954,"body":"Like, that's so weird."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4407.544,"endTime":4408.724,"body":"I don't know"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4409.144,"endTime":4413.069,"body":"I think, maybe she was hoping for,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4409.144,"endTime":4413.069,"body":"like I think she was playing it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4413.069,"endTime":4414.809,"body":"like, Oh, I miss my daughter so much."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4414.809,"endTime":4415.979,"body":"I'm such a good mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4416.889,"endTime":4419.569,"body":"If I can only see a glimpse"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4416.889,"endTime":4419.569,"body":"of my daughter, I'm gonna"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4419.589,"endTime":4420.849,"body":"make this moment last forever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4420.859,"endTime":4421.809,"body":"Something like that, you know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4422.659,"endTime":4425.179,"body":"Because I miss my daughter so much,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4422.659,"endTime":4425.179,"body":"because I'm such a good mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4425.229,"endTime":4425.779,"body":"Something like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4426.119,"endTime":4427.219,"body":"That's how I see it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4427.219,"endTime":4428.149,"body":"Fucking yikes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4428.199,"endTime":4430.179,"body":"But yeah, that was really"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4428.199,"endTime":4430.179,"body":"stressing me out, because of course"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4430.259,"endTime":4433.429,"body":"I went there, thinking that, well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4430.259,"endTime":4433.429,"body":"she's not gonna pull anything off"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4433.429,"endTime":4434.999,"body":"in front of 50 people, surely."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4435.602,"endTime":4438.872,"body":"And then she did and I just started"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4435.602,"endTime":4438.872,"body":"sweating like what what's she doing?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4438.912,"endTime":4439.862,"body":"What's she gonna do next?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4439.902,"endTime":4441.082,"body":"Because that's the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4439.902,"endTime":4441.082,"body":"thing with crazy people."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4441.082,"endTime":4441.722,"body":"I never know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4442.297,"endTime":4442.937,"body":"the next step."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4443.637,"endTime":4446.477,"body":"And then the next day, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4443.637,"endTime":4446.477,"body":"went missing for a bit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4446.517,"endTime":4449.977,"body":"And my aunt, her sister, was getting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4446.517,"endTime":4449.977,"body":"nervous that she's going to do it again."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4450.377,"endTime":4452.877,"body":"You know, like another suicide"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4450.377,"endTime":4452.877,"body":"attempt, just because I'm there and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4452.877,"endTime":4454.107,"body":"I wasn't paying attention to her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4455.087,"endTime":4455.397,"body":"Something like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4455.977,"endTime":4456.677,"body":"But no, it didn't."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4456.677,"endTime":4457.097,"body":"It was fine."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4457.157,"endTime":4458.257,"body":"She didn't do anything that night."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4458.937,"endTime":4462.992,"body":"Jeez  Yeah, following"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4458.937,"endTime":4462.992,"body":"you around, recording you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4463.042,"endTime":4464.542,"body":"That was not what I expected."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4464.542,"endTime":4466.102,"body":"I don't know what I expected,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4464.542,"endTime":4466.102,"body":"but that was not it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4466.102,"endTime":4466.945,"body":"What the fuck, like?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4467.125,"endTime":4467.335,"body":"That"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4467.335,"endTime":4467.645,"body":"is so odd."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4467.662,"endTime":4469.112,"body":"I did not expect that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4469.112,"endTime":4469.402,"body":"No."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4469.402,"endTime":4470.852,"body":"I did not expect that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4470.852,"endTime":4473.532,"body":"Because at this point, she stopped"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4470.852,"endTime":4473.532,"body":"trying to talk to me, because she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4473.532,"endTime":4478.142,"body":"tried that at a previous event,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4473.532,"endTime":4478.142,"body":"where she was like physically"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4478.142,"endTime":4479.442,"body":"following me, trying to talk to me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4480.382,"endTime":4483.052,"body":"And I was so uncomfortable, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4480.382,"endTime":4483.052,"body":"just kept, engaging other people"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4483.052,"endTime":4485.402,"body":"in conversation to be like, oh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4483.052,"endTime":4485.402,"body":"please pretend you're busy with me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4485.402,"endTime":4488.212,"body":"So she doesn't have to approach us because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4485.402,"endTime":4488.212,"body":"of course she doesn't want to talk about"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4488.212,"endTime":4489.352,"body":"it in front of other people, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4489.392,"endTime":4490.922,"body":"She's looking for a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4489.392,"endTime":4490.922,"body":"moment where I'm alone."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4491.192,"endTime":4492.492,"body":"So I just made sure to not be alone."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4493.372,"endTime":4494.512,"body":"But of course that was stressful as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4494.692,"endTime":4496.152,"body":"That was a family funeral, by the way."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4496.342,"endTime":4497.032,"body":"So I had to go."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4497.862,"endTime":4500.142,"body":"Well, I wanted to go because I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4497.862,"endTime":4500.142,"body":"loved the person who passed away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4500.962,"endTime":4503.202,"body":"But eventually she did"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4500.962,"endTime":4503.202,"body":"catch me alone at the end."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4503.312,"endTime":4504.592,"body":"And I was like, Oh, please."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4505.767,"endTime":4507.807,"body":"First of all, I was angry, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4505.767,"endTime":4507.807,"body":"this is a funeral, can you stop"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4507.807,"endTime":4510.117,"body":"making this about yourself, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4507.807,"endTime":4510.117,"body":"just fuck off, just leave me alone."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4510.487,"endTime":4513.177,"body":"But I didn't say it like that,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4510.487,"endTime":4513.177,"body":"it was like, \"oh, please, just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4513.597,"endTime":4516.347,"body":"unblock me, please, just talk to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4513.597,"endTime":4516.347,"body":"me, tell me everything I did wrong,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4516.827,"endTime":4517.937,"body":"I'm gonna be better\", whatever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4518.727,"endTime":4521.227,"body":"And then she keeps doing this thing,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4518.727,"endTime":4521.227,"body":"that's a thing she did a couple"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4521.227,"endTime":4525.427,"body":"times, where she made up a fake"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4521.227,"endTime":4525.427,"body":"reason why I'm not talking to her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4526.227,"endTime":4529.967,"body":"I think maybe to justify it in her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4526.227,"endTime":4529.967,"body":"head, so she's like, \"Oh, Monika, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4529.967,"endTime":4532.667,"body":"know you're not talking to her  because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4529.967,"endTime":4532.667,"body":"I wasn't respecting your sexuality,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4532.937,"endTime":4534.497,"body":"but I changed now, I'm better now'."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4534.497,"endTime":4534.857,"body":"Um."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4535.437,"endTime":4538.787,"body":"And I'm like, \"that's not the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4535.437,"endTime":4538.787,"body":"reason, and you know it. I'm not"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4538.787,"endTime":4540.087,"body":"talking to you because of the abuse\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4541.227,"endTime":4544.507,"body":"And the not accepting of my sexuality"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4541.227,"endTime":4544.507,"body":"is like, yeah, that sucks, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4544.507,"endTime":4546.887,"body":"that's like a drop in a lake."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4547.717,"endTime":4551.787,"body":"And then I just said it, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4547.717,"endTime":4551.787,"body":"straight up, and she got really silly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4551.867,"endTime":4554.097,"body":"Like, she was feeling very"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4551.867,"endTime":4554.097,"body":"uncomfortable, looking very"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4554.097,"endTime":4555.257,"body":"uncomfortable, and she walked away."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4555.457,"endTime":4558.327,"body":"So I think she also has this"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4555.457,"endTime":4558.327,"body":"narrative in her head, where"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4558.437,"endTime":4559.387,"body":"she blames something else."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4560.197,"endTime":4563.197,"body":"You know, like, oh, it's not my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4560.197,"endTime":4563.197,"body":"fault because I was raised in a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4563.197,"endTime":4566.367,"body":"Catholic country to be homophobic,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4563.197,"endTime":4566.367,"body":"so it's not my fault I'm homophobic."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4567.097,"endTime":4569.287,"body":"Therefore, it's not my fault my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4567.097,"endTime":4569.287,"body":"daughter's not talking to me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4569.317,"endTime":4570.667,"body":"Maybe it's something like that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4570.667,"endTime":4572.867,"body":"That like, inner narrative."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4572.917,"endTime":4578.852,"body":"The story that she tells herself"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4572.917,"endTime":4578.852,"body":"about who she is and how everyone like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4578.852,"endTime":4582.272,"body":"that's,  wow, that's really interesting"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4578.852,"endTime":4582.272,"body":"and just continuously keep shifting"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4582.272,"endTime":4583.952,"body":"away from the fact that you abused your"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4583.952,"endTime":4584.592,"body":"children"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4585.532,"endTime":4586.192,"body":"Yes!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4586.762,"endTime":4588.412,"body":"She keeps refusing it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4588.422,"endTime":4588.832,"body":"It's so bad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4589.212,"endTime":4594.272,"body":"And then sometimes my sister tried to tell"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4589.212,"endTime":4594.272,"body":"her that again on the chat because again,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4594.272,"endTime":4595.542,"body":"my sister is in contact with her, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4596.417,"endTime":4599.697,"body":"And she will send me a screenshot"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4596.417,"endTime":4599.697,"body":"if something bad happens."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4599.977,"endTime":4601.567,"body":"And she, she still keeps denying it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4601.637,"endTime":4603.947,"body":"She's like, I'm sorry you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4601.637,"endTime":4603.947,"body":"believe that's what happened."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4603.957,"endTime":4604.327,"body":"Like."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4604.467,"endTime":4606.037,"body":"Oh, classic!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4606.037,"endTime":4607.837,"body":"Classic!"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4608.797,"endTime":4609.227,"body":"Holy shit."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4609.227,"endTime":4610.251,"body":"Oh god."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4610.251,"endTime":4611.787,"body":"Oh my god."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4612.767,"endTime":4613.197,"body":"Crazy."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4614.527,"endTime":4617.327,"body":"Oh, like cringe."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4617.837,"endTime":4618.617,"body":"Cringe, I know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4618.932,"endTime":4619.832,"body":"Oh, okay."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4619.832,"endTime":4619.972,"body":"Now"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4619.972,"endTime":4621.402,"body":"I'm going to let you ask some questions."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4622.102,"endTime":4622.492,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4622.492,"endTime":4622.802,"body":"No."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4622.842,"endTime":4625.632,"body":"And you, you actually, you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4622.842,"endTime":4625.632,"body":"touched on some things."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4625.662,"endTime":4628.442,"body":"I collected some,  some"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4625.662,"endTime":4628.442,"body":"questions from some listeners."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4628.452,"endTime":4631.482,"body":"So like members of my community"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4628.452,"endTime":4631.482,"body":"and I, I let them know that I"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4631.482,"endTime":4632.592,"body":"was going to be speaking to you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4632.592,"endTime":4633.672,"body":"So I have a couple of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4633.672,"endTime":4634.102,"body":"Oh really?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4634.342,"endTime":4635.872,"body":"listener questions and, uh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4636.122,"endTime":4636.882,"body":"Oh, that's lovely."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4636.882,"endTime":4637.522,"body":"From like your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4637.552,"endTime":4638.172,"body":"Patreon?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4638.777,"endTime":4641.947,"body":"Um, yeah, or like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4638.777,"endTime":4641.947,"body":"my, my Discord as well."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4641.947,"endTime":4643.067,"body":"Like I have a Discord server."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4643.067,"endTime":4646.517,"body":"So like there, you know, some listeners"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4643.067,"endTime":4646.517,"body":"in there and  we have like a mental"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4646.517,"endTime":4648.987,"body":"health chat and I just kind of said"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4646.517,"endTime":4648.987,"body":"like, Hey, I'm going to be talking"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4648.987,"endTime":4652.927,"body":"to Monika, like, and, you know,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4648.987,"endTime":4652.927,"body":"here's, here's some of,  the things"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4652.937,"endTime":4654.057,"body":"that we're going to be covering."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4654.077,"endTime":4655.537,"body":"Does anybody have any questions?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4655.567,"endTime":4657.697,"body":"And you've touched on"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4655.567,"endTime":4657.697,"body":"like a couple of them."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4658.197,"endTime":4662.687,"body":"One of the questions was from somebody"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4658.197,"endTime":4662.687,"body":"who is starting to navigate this like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4663.187,"endTime":4666.717,"body":"no contact situation in their own life."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4666.747,"endTime":4671.267,"body":"And they were asking, how do you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4666.747,"endTime":4671.267,"body":"navigate keeping connection with people,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4671.847,"endTime":4676.687,"body":"specifically in your family, who are"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4671.847,"endTime":4676.687,"body":"still in contact with your mother?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4677.277,"endTime":4680.647,"body":"Yes,  it was hard at first,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4677.277,"endTime":4680.647,"body":"but basically I'm a very, well, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4680.657,"endTime":4684.087,"body":"don't mean to toot my own horn, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4680.657,"endTime":4684.087,"body":"I'm a very like peaceful person."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4684.157,"endTime":4685.567,"body":"I don't want to cause drama."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4686.287,"endTime":4689.997,"body":"So even from this very beginning, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4686.287,"endTime":4689.997,"body":"was like, when I was telling everybody"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4689.997,"endTime":4692.967,"body":"my story, everybody in the family,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4689.997,"endTime":4692.967,"body":"I was like, well, I'm not expecting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4692.967,"endTime":4693.997,"body":"you to do anything about it though."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4693.997,"endTime":4696.877,"body":"I'm not expecting you to cut"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4693.997,"endTime":4696.877,"body":"her off or to tell her off."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4697.637,"endTime":4699.777,"body":"I just want you to understand"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4697.637,"endTime":4699.777,"body":"why I'm not talking to her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4700.237,"endTime":4704.567,"body":"So most people were not, you know,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4700.237,"endTime":4704.567,"body":"emotionally invested enough to care"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4704.687,"endTime":4707.487,"body":"about the fact that I don't talk"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4704.687,"endTime":4707.487,"body":"to my mother, so they were fine."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4707.487,"endTime":4710.057,"body":"They were like, \"Oh, yeah, you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4707.487,"endTime":4710.057,"body":"do you. It's perfectly fine\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4710.797,"endTime":4714.397,"body":"Some people did pull the flying monkeys,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4710.797,"endTime":4714.397,"body":"like, \"Oh, but she's your mother, you"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4714.397,"endTime":4715.467,"body":"know, especially the older people\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4716.097,"endTime":4719.077,"body":"But then I just ended up telling"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4716.097,"endTime":4719.077,"body":"them again and again, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4719.327,"endTime":4720.487,"body":"it's not even about the past."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4721.047,"endTime":4722.107,"body":"It's about the future."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4722.397,"endTime":4725.787,"body":"I want to protect my future self"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4722.397,"endTime":4725.787,"body":"from the next trauma that that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4725.797,"endTime":4727.107,"body":"she would definitely cause me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4728.007,"endTime":4730.137,"body":"Because that's the thing, she's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4728.007,"endTime":4730.137,"body":"still toxic, she's still bad."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4730.597,"endTime":4733.997,"body":"If I let her back into my life,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4730.597,"endTime":4733.997,"body":"she's going to traumatize me again."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4734.717,"endTime":4735.477,"body":"And I've had enough."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4735.857,"endTime":4737.747,"body":"So please, don't make me let her back in."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4738.467,"endTime":4740.147,"body":"Why do you wish for me to get hurt again?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4741.387,"endTime":4744.097,"body":"And eventually, slowly,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4741.387,"endTime":4744.097,"body":"they mostly got it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4744.267,"endTime":4744.947,"body":"They mostly got it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4745.857,"endTime":4746.447,"body":"Well said."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4747.037,"endTime":4749.637,"body":"And that, that actually answers"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4747.037,"endTime":4749.637,"body":"the next question, which was,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4749.657,"endTime":4753.057,"body":"how do you handle questions from"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4749.657,"endTime":4753.057,"body":"family members about your decision?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4753.237,"endTime":4753.447,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4753.717,"endTime":4755.057,"body":"Yeah, I'm just I've just been"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4755.257,"endTime":4756.147,"body":"honest with most of them."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4756.307,"endTime":4756.597,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4757.597,"endTime":4757.847,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4757.917,"endTime":4763.117,"body":"And then the other one  that you kind of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4757.917,"endTime":4763.117,"body":"touched on a bit with you talking about"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4763.167,"endTime":4767.407,"body":"the reunion and the funeral was, how"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4763.167,"endTime":4767.407,"body":"do you handle family events in general?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4767.967,"endTime":4768.497,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4768.527,"endTime":4771.297,"body":"So the thing is, I only started"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4768.527,"endTime":4771.297,"body":"handling them last year."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4771.517,"endTime":4774.297,"body":"So for the two years, first two"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4771.517,"endTime":4774.297,"body":"years, I just cut her off completely."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4774.297,"endTime":4776.087,"body":"I just stopped going for Christmas."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4776.987,"endTime":4778.687,"body":"You know, any family"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4776.987,"endTime":4778.687,"body":"function, I wasn't there."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4778.687,"endTime":4780.537,"body":"I just did everything I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4778.687,"endTime":4780.537,"body":"could to never meet her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4780.577,"endTime":4783.697,"body":"But then third year, I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4780.577,"endTime":4783.697,"body":"ready to start going back."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4784.257,"endTime":4785.877,"body":"You know, missing the rest of my family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4786.577,"endTime":4787.477,"body":"So yeah, I did touch upon it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4787.477,"endTime":4789.987,"body":"I just think, well, if it's a big"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4787.477,"endTime":4789.987,"body":"enough group, so I still don't"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4790.007,"endTime":4792.747,"body":"go home for Christmas because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4790.007,"endTime":4792.747,"body":"there's only like 15 people there."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4793.437,"endTime":4794.087,"body":"And it's her house."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4794.812,"endTime":4797.542,"body":"So I wouldn't feel comfortable"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4794.812,"endTime":4797.542,"body":"because again, it's the same house"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4798.002,"endTime":4800.462,"body":"and also there's not enough people"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4798.002,"endTime":4800.462,"body":"for me to feel like sheltered."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4801.432,"endTime":4805.242,"body":"But if it's, if it's a bigger event"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4801.432,"endTime":4805.242,"body":"with like 30 plus people, then I feel"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4805.242,"endTime":4810.382,"body":"like, okay, she's not bad enough to want"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4805.242,"endTime":4810.382,"body":"to talk about it in front of everyone."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4810.452,"endTime":4814.632,"body":"If I just surround myself with people"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4810.452,"endTime":4814.632,"body":"all the time, and I even, I even"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4814.652,"endTime":4816.202,"body":"had a friend with my cousin's wife."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4816.252,"endTime":4817.762,"body":"She, she's in another situation."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4817.762,"endTime":4819.982,"body":"And at the funeral, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4817.762,"endTime":4819.982,"body":"was like, Oh, please."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4820.742,"endTime":4823.922,"body":"Get closer to me and make it seem"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4820.742,"endTime":4823.922,"body":"like we're talking, because my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4823.922,"endTime":4825.012,"body":"mother is looking at me again."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4825.692,"endTime":4828.042,"body":"Let's make it seem like we're"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4825.692,"endTime":4828.042,"body":"busy and she cannot approach,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4828.142,"endTime":4829.032,"body":"like I'm not approachable."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4829.199,"endTime":4830.579,"body":"Um, so she played along."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4830.589,"endTime":4833.769,"body":"Well, in the end it didn't work,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4830.589,"endTime":4833.769,"body":"but it worked for most of the time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4833.789,"endTime":4837.469,"body":"And then, yeah, and then I just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4833.789,"endTime":4837.469,"body":"hope that she's normal enough to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4837.469,"endTime":4841.179,"body":"not start wailing on top of the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4837.469,"endTime":4841.179,"body":"tables that I'm ignoring her."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4842.129,"endTime":4842.379,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4843.139,"endTime":4848.859,"body":"Do you think,  having those years of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4843.139,"endTime":4848.859,"body":"gap before you rejoined, like, family"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4848.859,"endTime":4853.449,"body":"events and things, like, do you think"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4848.859,"endTime":4853.449,"body":"that really helped kind of set the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4853.459,"endTime":4857.239,"body":"stage for, um, you eventually returning?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4857.289,"endTime":4861.209,"body":"Do you think it would have been harder"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4857.289,"endTime":4861.209,"body":"to immediately, like, to not have that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4862.504,"endTime":4865.234,"body":"time and distance and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4862.504,"endTime":4865.234,"body":"like continue and just be like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4865.234,"endTime":4866.314,"body":"we're not talking anymore."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4867.094,"endTime":4868.114,"body":"I'm still here."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4869.124,"endTime":4869.304,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4869.724,"endTime":4870.174,"body":"Oh, yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4870.174,"endTime":4873.564,"body":"I think it'll be harder because for one"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4870.174,"endTime":4873.564,"body":"thing, I think if other family members"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4873.564,"endTime":4876.564,"body":"saw us together like a month later,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4873.564,"endTime":4876.564,"body":"they would assume everything is fine."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4877.564,"endTime":4877.984,"body":"Great point."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4877.984,"endTime":4880.834,"body":"And they would, they would"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4877.984,"endTime":4880.834,"body":"double down on me to be like, well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4880.834,"endTime":4883.959,"body":"if everything's fine, if you're still"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4880.834,"endTime":4883.959,"body":"attending family events, just talk to her."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4884.689,"endTime":4885.139,"body":"Really great point."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4885.159,"endTime":4888.969,"body":"So, I think that those"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4885.159,"endTime":4888.969,"body":"two years helped people understand"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4888.979,"endTime":4890.149,"body":"that actually Monika is serious."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4890.189,"endTime":4891.969,"body":"Actually, she really"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4890.189,"endTime":4891.969,"body":"doesn't want to talk to her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4891.969,"endTime":4893.949,"body":"So from that point of view,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4891.969,"endTime":4893.949,"body":"I think that was good."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4894.039,"endTime":4896.979,"body":"And also, well, from my own mental health,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4894.039,"endTime":4896.979,"body":"I just couldn't stand looking at her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4897.049,"endTime":4901.199,"body":"So I just preferred to feel lonely"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4897.049,"endTime":4901.199,"body":"and miss out on family parties."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4901.889,"endTime":4905.779,"body":"And at that time helped me like"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4901.889,"endTime":4905.779,"body":"put things in order in my head."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4906.464,"endTime":4909.684,"body":"And of course, because after the big"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4906.464,"endTime":4909.684,"body":"event I started talking about it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4909.724,"endTime":4912.204,"body":"I talked about it to all"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4909.724,"endTime":4912.204,"body":"my friends, all my family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4912.614,"endTime":4915.444,"body":"And the more I talked about"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4912.614,"endTime":4915.444,"body":"it, the better I felt about it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4915.924,"endTime":4917.354,"body":"I did a bit of therapy as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4918.574,"endTime":4921.544,"body":"And I think after two years I just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4918.574,"endTime":4921.544,"body":"gained the strength to go back."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4922.474,"endTime":4926.544,"body":"I'm glad you took that time"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4922.474,"endTime":4926.544,"body":"to yourself and, like, just didn't,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4926.959,"endTime":4930.849,"body":"you know, shove it back in the closet"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4926.959,"endTime":4930.849,"body":"for yourself and just really took"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4930.849,"endTime":4933.649,"body":"the time to process, get some space."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4934.099,"endTime":4938.439,"body":"It's incredible that you immediately,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4934.099,"endTime":4938.439,"body":"like, after that happened, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4938.469,"endTime":4941.469,"body":"made that healthy decision to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4938.469,"endTime":4941.469,"body":"go no contact for yourself."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4942.086,"endTime":4945.506,"body":"To be fair, I have to admit,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4942.086,"endTime":4945.506,"body":"it's easier for me because I live abroad"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4946.336,"endTime":4947.776,"body":"and the rest of my family is in Poland."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4948.216,"endTime":4951.166,"body":"So there is a physical barrier of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4948.216,"endTime":4951.166,"body":"like, I only visit on my turns."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4951.376,"endTime":4952.466,"body":"I'm the one buying flights."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4952.556,"endTime":4954.176,"body":"I'm the one deciding"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4952.556,"endTime":4954.176,"body":"where I'm sleeping over."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4955.261,"endTime":4958.861,"body":"So whenever I plan to come to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4955.261,"endTime":4958.861,"body":"Poland, I just reach out to my family"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4958.861,"endTime":4961.891,"body":"members I like, and my friends, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4958.861,"endTime":4961.891,"body":"I'm like, Hey, can I sleep at your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4961.891,"endTime":4963.271,"body":"place between Monday and Tuesday?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4964.051,"endTime":4968.071,"body":"And then, and I plan my whole sleeping"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4964.051,"endTime":4968.071,"body":"situation before I even go to Poland."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4968.071,"endTime":4970.621,"body":"So I just don't give"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":4968.071,"endTime":4970.621,"body":"her a chance to find me."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4972.041,"endTime":4975.041,"body":"Which, you know, and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4972.041,"endTime":4975.041,"body":"there's, there's some advice kind"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4975.041,"endTime":4979.821,"body":"of woven into, into that is  if"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4975.041,"endTime":4979.821,"body":"somebody is considering going, no"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4979.821,"endTime":4983.991,"body":"contact is like how much separation"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4979.821,"endTime":4983.991,"body":"can you possibly get for yourself?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4983.991,"endTime":4984.231,"body":"Like."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4984.626,"endTime":4988.156,"body":"Not, you know, like, not to say that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4984.626,"endTime":4988.156,"body":"everyone can move to a different"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4988.156,"endTime":4992.226,"body":"country in order  to make it happen for"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4988.156,"endTime":4992.226,"body":"themselves, but,  how many, like, degrees"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4992.266,"endTime":4996.306,"body":"of, of just separating control and access"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4992.266,"endTime":4996.306,"body":"can you possibly give yourself, like, you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4996.306,"endTime":5001.286,"body":"know, any, any distance that might make it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":4996.306,"endTime":5001.286,"body":"easier,  to kind of like disrupt access."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5001.386,"endTime":5001.816,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5002.226,"endTime":5005.616,"body":"And I personally, of course, I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5002.226,"endTime":5005.616,"body":"no professional, but I would advise"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5005.616,"endTime":5008.576,"body":"people to do what I did and be"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5005.616,"endTime":5008.576,"body":"honest with the rest of the family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5009.516,"endTime":5010.426,"body":"Just don't sugarcoat it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5010.426,"endTime":5012.486,"body":"Just say she's a bad person."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5012.536,"endTime":5013.366,"body":"I don't love her."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5013.686,"endTime":5017.006,"body":"She brings nothing positive in my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5013.686,"endTime":5017.006,"body":"life, and she will traumatize me again,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5017.386,"endTime":5018.676,"body":"so please don't force me to see her."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5020.036,"endTime":5023.126,"body":"Yeah, no, and I, I like that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5020.036,"endTime":5023.126,"body":"you, framed it that way for other people,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5023.126,"endTime":5028.666,"body":"because I think it does kind of make them"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5023.126,"endTime":5028.666,"body":"think about what they're actually asking."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5028.816,"endTime":5031.206,"body":"Like, you're asking me"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5028.816,"endTime":5031.206,"body":"to hurt, to be hurt."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5031.766,"endTime":5035.636,"body":"To have more harm caused, you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5031.766,"endTime":5035.636,"body":"know, to experience more pain."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5035.676,"endTime":5038.886,"body":"Like why, if you care about"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5035.676,"endTime":5038.886,"body":"me, why would you ask that?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5039.186,"endTime":5039.556,"body":"So"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5039.706,"endTime":5040.416,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5040.746,"endTime":5045.126,"body":"What can you tell me about"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5040.746,"endTime":5045.126,"body":"your healing journey or what  that's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5045.156,"endTime":5047.536,"body":"looked like for you  moving forward?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5048.236,"endTime":5051.676,"body":"So it's, it is pretty hard"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5048.236,"endTime":5051.676,"body":"to me because some were how I have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5051.676,"endTime":5055.751,"body":"this really strong sense of I cannot"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5051.676,"endTime":5055.751,"body":"let people know I'm weak, therefore"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5055.751,"endTime":5057.551,"body":"I must deal with everything myself."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5057.551,"endTime":5060.751,"body":"Even though I know I said now that I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5057.551,"endTime":5060.751,"body":"talking to friends and all that, but for"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5060.761,"endTime":5062.491,"body":"a long part of my life it was like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5062.511,"endTime":5065.751,"body":"So I think because I was so self"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5062.511,"endTime":5065.751,"body":"sufficient as a child as well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5065.751,"endTime":5068.891,"body":"because I had to be, because my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5065.751,"endTime":5068.891,"body":"mother was not a good parent, now"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5068.891,"endTime":5071.441,"body":"I end up feeling like, oh, I have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5068.891,"endTime":5071.441,"body":"to deal with my problems myself."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5072.171,"endTime":5076.611,"body":"So that ended up backfiring when I had"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5072.171,"endTime":5076.611,"body":"like a really big breakdown and I did also"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5076.621,"endTime":5078.361,"body":"struggle with suicidal thoughts sometimes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5079.096,"endTime":5083.726,"body":"So, it got bad at some points,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5079.096,"endTime":5083.726,"body":"but my main clutch is my friends."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5083.846,"endTime":5088.816,"body":"I'm lucky that I have some really"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5083.846,"endTime":5088.816,"body":"close, long term friends that I can"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5089.406,"endTime":5092.356,"body":"message them like, Oh, I'm feeling so"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5089.406,"endTime":5092.356,"body":"bad right now, can I call you today?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5092.656,"endTime":5094.266,"body":"It doesn't have to be now,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5092.656,"endTime":5094.266,"body":"but can I call you tonight?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5094.836,"endTime":5099.236,"body":"I just want to, you know, vent and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5094.836,"endTime":5099.236,"body":"most of the time they'll agree."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5100.006,"endTime":5102.626,"body":"That's been my biggest,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5100.006,"endTime":5102.626,"body":"biggest clutch, my social life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5103.396,"endTime":5106.326,"body":"And then eventually I did end"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5103.396,"endTime":5106.326,"body":"up doing a bit of therapy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5106.346,"endTime":5109.406,"body":"That was a year ago when I had the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5106.346,"endTime":5109.406,"body":"depression that made me quit my job."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5110.071,"endTime":5112.861,"body":"Then my work paid for like"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5110.071,"endTime":5112.861,"body":"eight therapy sessions online."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5112.911,"endTime":5116.551,"body":"So it wasn't like a long therapy But I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5112.911,"endTime":5116.551,"body":"didn't find it very helpful because she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5116.551,"endTime":5121.567,"body":"gave me some really good general advice"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5116.551,"endTime":5121.567,"body":"on how to be less strict of myself less"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5121.567,"endTime":5126.194,"body":"of a perfectionist put myself first"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5121.567,"endTime":5126.194,"body":"So for example some really good advice"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5126.194,"endTime":5129.534,"body":"She told me because I do struggle"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5126.194,"endTime":5129.534,"body":"with wanting to be perfect, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5130.394,"endTime":5132.604,"body":"I feel it comes from the childhood"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5130.394,"endTime":5132.604,"body":"because I had to be the perfect"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5132.604,"endTime":5135.904,"body":"daughter and now I have to be a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5132.604,"endTime":5135.904,"body":"perfect You know employee or whatever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5136.164,"endTime":5137.414,"body":"But she gave me a really good advice."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5137.564,"endTime":5141.024,"body":"She said, Monika, if you imagine"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5137.564,"endTime":5141.024,"body":"like a circle containing all the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5141.024,"endTime":5145.634,"body":"people, you know, all the people"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5141.024,"endTime":5145.634,"body":"you've ever met, how many people of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5145.634,"endTime":5147.464,"body":"those do you actually care about?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5148.064,"endTime":5150.464,"body":"Only maybe like a small"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5148.064,"endTime":5150.464,"body":"circle inside, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5150.544,"endTime":5152.784,"body":"People who are like your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5150.544,"endTime":5152.784,"body":"closest friends and family."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5153.204,"endTime":5154.469,"body":"So whenever you think."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5155.009,"endTime":5157.749,"body":"About what are people going"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5155.009,"endTime":5157.749,"body":"to say about my decisions?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5157.859,"endTime":5161.619,"body":"You should only be concerned with"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5157.859,"endTime":5161.619,"body":"what this group says, not what your"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5161.639,"endTime":5165.919,"body":"boss says, not what your neighbor"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5161.639,"endTime":5165.919,"body":"says, or your acquaintance, like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5165.929,"endTime":5168.369,"body":"you know, it doesn't matter if my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5165.929,"endTime":5168.369,"body":"boss thinks I'm lazy because I just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5168.369,"endTime":5170.229,"body":"quit the job from one day to another."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5170.909,"endTime":5173.589,"body":"It matters that my friend will tell"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5170.909,"endTime":5173.589,"body":"me, okay, your mental health was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5173.639,"endTime":5174.969,"body":"bad and I'm glad you quit your job."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5175.674,"endTime":5177.674,"body":"So that really helped me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5175.674,"endTime":5177.674,"body":"put things into perspective."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5177.714,"endTime":5180.004,"body":"And another really good advice"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5177.714,"endTime":5180.004,"body":"she gave me, which I'm still used"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5180.004,"endTime":5181.984,"body":"to to this day, very commonly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5182.934,"endTime":5186.505,"body":"She gave me a good advice saying,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5182.934,"endTime":5186.505,"body":"well, if you imagine a school essay,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5186.505,"endTime":5190.804,"body":"if you score 80 percent on a school"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5186.505,"endTime":5190.804,"body":"essay, you would do a great job."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5191.094,"endTime":5191.944,"body":"That's a great mark."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5192.864,"endTime":5195.484,"body":"Therefore, you should also apply"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5192.864,"endTime":5195.484,"body":"that to your everyday life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5196.054,"endTime":5198.624,"body":"You don't have to do things"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5196.054,"endTime":5198.624,"body":"100 percent perfectly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5199.524,"endTime":5202.564,"body":"Whenever you make a mistake and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5199.524,"endTime":5202.564,"body":"you feel bad about it, just say"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5202.564,"endTime":5206.314,"body":"to yourself, well, actually, I got"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5202.564,"endTime":5206.314,"body":"this like 95 percent wrong, so I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5206.314,"endTime":5207.454,"body":"have nothing to feel bad about."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5208.289,"endTime":5209.079,"body":"This is a passing grade."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5209.079,"endTime":5209.289,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5209.309,"endTime":5211.959,"body":"So  I'm actually"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5209.309,"endTime":5211.959,"body":"using that quite a lot."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5212.099,"endTime":5216.949,"body":"Yes, because it's true, because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5212.099,"endTime":5216.949,"body":"I do end up like making one"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5216.949,"endTime":5219.399,"body":"small mistake and then obsessing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5216.949,"endTime":5219.399,"body":"about it for the rest of the day."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5219.759,"endTime":5222.649,"body":"I also have internalized,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5219.759,"endTime":5222.649,"body":"she helps me realize, I have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5222.649,"endTime":5224.059,"body":"an internalized bad parent."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5224.944,"endTime":5228.134,"body":"Like my mother who repeats the things"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5224.944,"endTime":5228.134,"body":"that my mother used to say to me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5228.724,"endTime":5229.584,"body":"So I do a task."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5229.584,"endTime":5233.764,"body":"I make one little mistake and all I can"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5229.584,"endTime":5233.764,"body":"think about is like, \"Oh, I'm so stupid."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5233.854,"endTime":5234.674,"body":"I'm so worthless."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5234.984,"endTime":5235.914,"body":"I'm so lazy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5236.744,"endTime":5237.124,"body":"Whatever."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5237.134,"endTime":5238.564,"body":"My boss is going to be angry\", you know?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5238.804,"endTime":5241.964,"body":"So she helps me understand that as my"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5238.804,"endTime":5241.964,"body":"internal parent speaking, because that's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5241.974,"endTime":5243.254,"body":"how my mother used to speak to me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5243.754,"endTime":5245.114,"body":"That's how I speak to myself now."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5246.164,"endTime":5249.224,"body":"So I've tried, I know it's silly,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5246.164,"endTime":5249.224,"body":"maybe a little bit cringe, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5249.234,"endTime":5252.444,"body":"actually I'll tell you something"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5249.234,"endTime":5252.444,"body":"I haven't said to anyone before."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5253.344,"endTime":5254.654,"body":"But it's fine to put it on the podcast."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5255.057,"endTime":5258.207,"body":"I've chosen a fictional mother"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5255.057,"endTime":5258.207,"body":"from a series I really like."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5258.207,"endTime":5261.607,"body":"And I try to internalize her"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5258.207,"endTime":5261.607,"body":"as a good mother instead."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5262.442,"endTime":5263.722,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5264.502,"endTime":5267.442,"body":"So I know it's silly, but I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5264.502,"endTime":5267.442,"body":"like, so basically I do something bad, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5267.452,"endTime":5271.372,"body":"start calling myself names, and then I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5267.452,"endTime":5271.372,"body":"like, no, what would my good mother say?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5272.062,"endTime":5275.752,"body":"And then I imagine this wonderful,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5272.062,"endTime":5275.752,"body":"wonderful character, mother"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5275.752,"endTime":5277.112,"body":"figure, from this TV show."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5277.892,"endTime":5279.662,"body":"And I imagine what she would say to me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5280.652,"endTime":5282.062,"body":"And I tell myself those things."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5283.082,"endTime":5286.832,"body":"That's, that's such a good idea."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5286.912,"endTime":5295.672,"body":"I, I'm, like, I can't even express to you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5286.912,"endTime":5295.672,"body":"how in love with that, like, mechanism,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5295.842,"endTime":5299.512,"body":"I am blown away by how perfect that is."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5299.862,"endTime":5303.592,"body":"Are you comfortable sharing, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5299.862,"endTime":5303.592,"body":"which, which character it is?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5303.632,"endTime":5305.652,"body":"Like, if that's super personal, you don't"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5305.682,"endTime":5306.292,"body":"have to."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5306.402,"endTime":5307.082,"body":"That's cringe."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5307.082,"endTime":5309.962,"body":"Whoever"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5309.962,"endTime":5314.292,"body":"it is, like, I'm so glad that you did that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5309.962,"endTime":5314.292,"body":"because that's so incredibly beautiful."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5315.162,"endTime":5315.392,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5315.952,"endTime":5316.932,"body":"So I think that is also"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5316.932,"endTime":5321.532,"body":"like, uh, my therapist's suggestion,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5316.932,"endTime":5321.532,"body":"which I was like, yeah, actually,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5322.072,"endTime":5325.552,"body":"I can just choose a new internal"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5322.072,"endTime":5325.552,"body":"mother because it's my internal life."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5326.072,"endTime":5326.612,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5326.612,"endTime":5328.202,"body":"I don't have to be mean to myself."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5328.202,"endTime":5329.242,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5329.512,"endTime":5333.232,"body":"I, and I love that you mentioned the,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5329.512,"endTime":5333.232,"body":"think it was actually during,  the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5333.242,"endTime":5338.982,"body":"pandemic and like during lockdown and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5333.242,"endTime":5338.982,"body":"having an incredible amount of just quiet"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5338.982,"endTime":5344.472,"body":"time with myself in my own thoughts  that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5338.982,"endTime":5344.472,"body":"I started recognizing that like the, the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5344.472,"endTime":5350.232,"body":"negative self talk, like that inner voice"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5344.472,"endTime":5350.232,"body":"and separating when it was an internalized"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5350.232,"endTime":5352.712,"body":"version of somebody else that had."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5353.507,"endTime":5358.017,"body":"Like put negative things and I had"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5353.507,"endTime":5358.017,"body":"taken over and I started just doing"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5358.017,"endTime":5363.177,"body":"their job for them and for me, rather"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5358.017,"endTime":5363.177,"body":"than like a bad parent I identified"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5363.177,"endTime":5368.797,"body":"it as like my internalized mean girl"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5363.177,"endTime":5368.797,"body":"where I had like mean girls from school"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5368.797,"endTime":5372.937,"body":"and I just have inner mean girls now"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5368.797,"endTime":5372.937,"body":"in my head telling me shitty things"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5372.937,"endTime":5377.447,"body":"about myself and and every so often"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5372.937,"endTime":5377.447,"body":"something that works for me is when"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5377.447,"endTime":5379.137,"body":"they're, you know, telling me something."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5379.147,"endTime":5383.107,"body":"You know, just like \"You're a piece of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5379.147,"endTime":5383.107,"body":"shit and like no one likes you\" and blah"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5383.107,"endTime":5388.887,"body":"blah blah like, \"Shut the fuck up\" and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5383.107,"endTime":5388.887,"body":"and like to actually name them and just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5388.887,"endTime":5394.527,"body":"be like \"Shut the fuck up Krysta\" and to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5388.887,"endTime":5394.527,"body":"just like to actually just like say their"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5394.527,"endTime":5399.357,"body":"name and just be like I know who that is"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5394.527,"endTime":5399.357,"body":"and I don't appreciate it and like mm mm."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5400.207,"endTime":5401.037,"body":"Wow."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5401.207,"endTime":5401.917,"body":"That's really impressive."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5401.917,"endTime":5402.727,"body":"That's really meta."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5402.727,"endTime":5405.467,"body":"It's like, specifically naming"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5402.727,"endTime":5405.467,"body":"the voices in your head."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5405.677,"endTime":5406.887,"body":"I'm sorry I laughed because it's funny."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5406.887,"endTime":5409.507,"body":"No, it's funny and it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5406.887,"endTime":5409.507,"body":"feels funny when I do it too,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5409.847,"endTime":5412.727,"body":"which isn't a bad thing so that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5409.847,"endTime":5412.727,"body":"I'm able to laugh about it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5412.737,"endTime":5415.777,"body":"Like, cause otherwise something"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5412.737,"endTime":5415.777,"body":"else that I was doing was I was also"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5415.777,"endTime":5420.227,"body":"starting to,  trying to bully myself"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5415.777,"endTime":5420.227,"body":"into being nice in my own head where"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5420.227,"endTime":5421.947,"body":"I was like, \"Why are you talking"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5421.947,"endTime":5423.137,"body":"so shitty to yourself?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5423.357,"endTime":5427.387,"body":"You should be more positive.\" And like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5423.357,"endTime":5427.387,"body":"and and was like feeling like a failure"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5427.387,"endTime":5432.117,"body":"and i'm just like this is a really vicious"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5427.387,"endTime":5432.117,"body":"cycle and it is not helpful and just being"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5432.537,"endTime":5435.532,"body":"instead just you know, like, noticing"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5432.537,"endTime":5435.532,"body":"when it's happening and just being like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5435.842,"endTime":5438.152,"body":"yo, like, \"Shut the fuck up, Jessica\"."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5438.192,"endTime":5439.422,"body":"Like, I don't appreciate it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5439.422,"endTime":5439.752,"body":"Fuck off."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5439.912,"endTime":5440.902,"body":"So funny."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5441.772,"endTime":5442.492,"body":"Oh my god."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5443.232,"endTime":5446.282,"body":"Isn't it crazy how"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5443.232,"endTime":5446.282,"body":"complex human psyche is?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5447.032,"endTime":5447.752,"body":"Why do we have"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5447.812,"endTime":5449.062,"body":"internal voices?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5449.377,"endTime":5451.587,"body":"What a wild ride"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5449.377,"endTime":5451.587,"body":"being a human being."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5451.587,"endTime":5453.172,"body":"Exactly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5453.172,"endTime":5454.757,"body":"Exactly."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5454.757,"endTime":5456.477,"body":"But I'm glad that you found"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5454.757,"endTime":5456.477,"body":"a way to deal with it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5456.907,"endTime":5457.767,"body":"That's a really funny way."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5458.047,"endTime":5460.417,"body":"Yeah, no, and thank"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5458.047,"endTime":5460.417,"body":"you so much for sharing yours."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5460.417,"endTime":5462.487,"body":"Like, this is the stuff."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5462.487,"endTime":5463.247,"body":"Like, I love this."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5463.267,"endTime":5465.517,"body":"This is why I love these conversations."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5466.127,"endTime":5467.107,"body":"Oh my gosh."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5467.107,"endTime":5469.217,"body":"Yes, I'm really"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5467.107,"endTime":5469.217,"body":"grateful to the therapist."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5469.257,"endTime":5471.427,"body":"That was a good match, and even"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5469.257,"endTime":5471.427,"body":"though we only had eight sessions"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5471.427,"endTime":5473.187,"body":"because I didn't need anymore."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5474.092,"endTime":5477.312,"body":"I just cried to her for one or two,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5474.092,"endTime":5477.312,"body":"and then she focused on giving me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5477.312,"endTime":5481.222,"body":"advice like that, like objective"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5477.312,"endTime":5481.222,"body":"advice you could give to anybody,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5481.652,"endTime":5485.502,"body":"and I was like, holy shit, that's,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5481.652,"endTime":5485.502,"body":"that's like 300 IQ, that's so smart,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5486.722,"endTime":5486.902,"body":"like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5487.582,"endTime":5490.332,"body":"And it works, like I,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5487.582,"endTime":5490.332,"body":"I love the visual that she gave"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5490.332,"endTime":5491.672,"body":"you with the circles as well."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5491.982,"endTime":5492.602,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5493.102,"endTime":5493.582,"body":"That's really helpful."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5493.632,"endTime":5493.942,"body":"It's true."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5493.942,"endTime":5494.612,"body":"Like, why,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5494.652,"endTime":5497.852,"body":"why should you care what your boss"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5494.652,"endTime":5497.852,"body":"thinks about you when you're probably"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5497.852,"endTime":5499.632,"body":"not gonna speak to them in five years?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5500.732,"endTime":5503.892,"body":"Like your boss truly"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5500.732,"endTime":5503.892,"body":"gives a shit about you, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5504.182,"endTime":5504.332,"body":"let's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5504.332,"endTime":5504.562,"body":"not do this."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5505.412,"endTime":5505.782,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5506.002,"endTime":5508.782,"body":"To care more about what"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5506.002,"endTime":5508.782,"body":"your beloved people think about you,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5509.252,"endTime":5509.392,"body":"and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5509.402,"endTime":5510.922,"body":"they would be on your side."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5511.642,"endTime":5514.332,"body":"And, and if"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5511.642,"endTime":5514.332,"body":"they're not, why is that?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5514.752,"endTime":5516.917,"body":"Do they deserve to be in the circle?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5516.937,"endTime":5517.357,"body":"Like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5517.667,"endTime":5517.927,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5518.277,"endTime":5518.757,"body":"You know."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5519.487,"endTime":5520.917,"body":"Yes, absolutely."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5521.507,"endTime":5522.787,"body":"I admit I've been lucky."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5522.787,"endTime":5525.967,"body":"Um, perhaps because I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5522.787,"endTime":5525.967,"body":"extroverted, but I've been lucky"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5525.967,"endTime":5526.997,"body":"in the friendship department."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5526.997,"endTime":5528.457,"body":"I have so many wonderful friends who."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5529.057,"endTime":5529.792,"body":"Helped me through a lot."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5530.042,"endTime":5533.032,"body":"And now whenever I visit Poland,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5530.042,"endTime":5533.032,"body":"I stay with them and it's great."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5533.162,"endTime":5534.602,"body":"I'm very, I'm very grateful."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5534.782,"endTime":5537.692,"body":"I'm so glad that you have"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5534.782,"endTime":5537.692,"body":"friends and especially like going"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5537.692,"endTime":5541.742,"body":"through depression and struggling"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5537.692,"endTime":5541.742,"body":"with like suicidal issues."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5541.742,"endTime":5545.822,"body":"Like, I'm so glad that you have"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5541.742,"endTime":5545.822,"body":"like  a nice group of supportive"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5545.822,"endTime":5547.802,"body":"friends that you can turn to."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5548.012,"endTime":5552.322,"body":"Um, cause that, that can be really"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5548.012,"endTime":5552.322,"body":"hard and not everybody has that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5552.372,"endTime":5553.552,"body":"So that's, I'm."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5554.012,"endTime":5555.822,"body":"So incredibly glad that you do."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5556.612,"endTime":5556.962,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5558.552,"endTime":5561.992,"body":"Can I ask,  is there,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5558.552,"endTime":5561.992,"body":"something that got you through the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5561.992,"endTime":5563.842,"body":"struggle with, with suicidality?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5563.842,"endTime":5567.262,"body":"Well, that was quite a strong"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5563.842,"endTime":5567.262,"body":"struggle and sometimes it still is,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5567.282,"endTime":5573.082,"body":"but the main thing that stops me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5567.282,"endTime":5573.082,"body":"from doing it is, again, my friends."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5573.102,"endTime":5578.122,"body":"Because I think, well, they love me so"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5573.102,"endTime":5578.122,"body":"much, I don't want to hurt them like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5579.132,"endTime":5581.652,"body":"And one of my friends, especially"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5579.132,"endTime":5581.652,"body":"one of my closest friends, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5581.652,"endTime":5585.122,"body":"already lost my close friend,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5581.652,"endTime":5585.122,"body":"not to suicide, but to sickness."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5585.452,"endTime":5588.542,"body":"And she's so, of course, she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5585.452,"endTime":5588.542,"body":"was so traumatized by it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5588.632,"endTime":5593.432,"body":"So I'm thinking, well, am I really going"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5588.632,"endTime":5593.432,"body":"to put her through it again, selfishly?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5594.292,"endTime":5599.562,"body":"So yeah, whenever I think about"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5594.292,"endTime":5599.562,"body":"it, I'm, I'm thinking, well, I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5599.692,"endTime":5602.092,"body":"should not do that to my friends."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5602.412,"endTime":5604.992,"body":"There are people who care about me and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5602.412,"endTime":5604.992,"body":"I don't want to hurt them in that way."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5605.542,"endTime":5606.122,"body":"Another thing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5606.122,"endTime":5609.292,"body":"to worth mentioning is that well,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5606.122,"endTime":5609.292,"body":"that's another thing that the"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5609.292,"endTime":5610.612,"body":"therapy helped me realize, but."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5611.312,"endTime":5614.372,"body":"I should not let myself get carried"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5611.312,"endTime":5614.372,"body":"away with the feelings of the moment,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5614.692,"endTime":5615.922,"body":"because the feelings always pass."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5616.432,"endTime":5621.122,"body":"So even though I might feel suicidal right"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5616.432,"endTime":5621.122,"body":"now, like before, it would feel like, yes,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5621.162,"endTime":5623.022,"body":"I'm the, this is so bad, I should do it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5623.552,"endTime":5627.272,"body":"But now I understand, no, tomorrow"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5623.552,"endTime":5627.272,"body":"I'm going to feel differently."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5628.387,"endTime":5630.707,"body":"Tomorrow I'm going to wonder why,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5628.387,"endTime":5630.707,"body":"what was I having those thoughts?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5630.897,"endTime":5635.467,"body":"Like this is just like a moment of"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5630.897,"endTime":5635.467,"body":"weakness and most of the time I'm happy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5636.147,"endTime":5639.657,"body":"Most of the time I'm a positive,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5636.147,"endTime":5639.657,"body":"extroverted, friendly person"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5639.717,"endTime":5641.337,"body":"and quite happy with my life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5641.337,"endTime":5644.527,"body":"So now I understand that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5641.337,"endTime":5644.527,"body":"just because I feel bad right"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5644.527,"endTime":5646.602,"body":"now, it's not going to last."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5647.052,"endTime":5651.672,"body":"So I just have to wait it out, and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5647.052,"endTime":5651.672,"body":"tomorrow will be a new day, and I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5651.732,"endTime":5652.912,"body":"will be glad that I didn't do it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5653.692,"endTime":5658.942,"body":"That's been my experience as"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5653.692,"endTime":5658.942,"body":"well, and  I had a very, very, very"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5658.942,"endTime":5664.122,"body":"dark time in my life when I was younger"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5658.942,"endTime":5664.122,"body":"and was institutionalized very briefly."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5664.692,"endTime":5671.697,"body":"But, after climbing out of that,  every"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5664.692,"endTime":5671.697,"body":"successive, um, Like dip or like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5671.727,"endTime":5677.837,"body":"depression that I'll fall into it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5671.727,"endTime":5677.837,"body":"gets just a little bit, not, not that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5677.837,"endTime":5682.667,"body":"it's not dark every time it happens"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5677.837,"endTime":5682.667,"body":"and not that it's not excruciating"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5682.687,"endTime":5687.737,"body":"every time it happens, but it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5682.687,"endTime":5687.737,"body":"does get just a little bit easier."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5688.632,"endTime":5693.502,"body":"To climb out of that hole every time,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5688.632,"endTime":5693.502,"body":"and there is just that little bit of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5694.232,"endTime":5699.942,"body":"faith or knowledge,  just having those"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5694.232,"endTime":5699.942,"body":"experiences and knowing that, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5699.982,"endTime":5701.552,"body":"I know how to get out of this hole."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5701.652,"endTime":5703.542,"body":"It's possible to get out of this hole."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5703.882,"endTime":5708.472,"body":"This is not forever, and I know"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5703.882,"endTime":5708.472,"body":"that I have done it before,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5708.522,"endTime":5709.662,"body":"and I'm gonna do it again."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5710.202,"endTime":5712.772,"body":"And I'm probably going"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5710.202,"endTime":5712.772,"body":"to have to do it again."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5713.302,"endTime":5713.582,"body":"But,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5713.732,"endTime":5714.192,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5714.762,"endTime":5716.132,"body":"It's part of life unfortunately."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5716.442,"endTime":5719.882,"body":"Yeah,  especially like"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5716.442,"endTime":5719.882,"body":"for, for those of us who, you know,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5719.962,"endTime":5724.262,"body":"have abuse in the past that are"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5719.962,"endTime":5724.262,"body":"healing from trauma, like it is a"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5724.262,"endTime":5726.032,"body":"very common thing to struggle with."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5726.222,"endTime":5727.932,"body":"And thank you for talking about it."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5727.932,"endTime":5730.082,"body":"I know that it's heavy shit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5730.342,"endTime":5731.062,"body":"Absolutely."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5731.382,"endTime":5735.602,"body":"Thank you for putting me on the path to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5731.382,"endTime":5735.602,"body":"speak about the advice that my therapist"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5735.602,"endTime":5739.592,"body":"gave me because I would probably kick"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5735.602,"endTime":5739.592,"body":"myself in the back if I didn't say"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5739.592,"endTime":5742.252,"body":"it because I think that's such a good"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5739.592,"endTime":5742.252,"body":"advice and I hope somebody listening"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5742.332,"endTime":5744.542,"body":"will implement one of those techniques."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5744.892,"endTime":5745.432,"body":"I hope so"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5745.432,"endTime":5745.912,"body":"too."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5745.982,"endTime":5749.522,"body":"Like, like when you said"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5745.982,"endTime":5749.522,"body":"that about like the, the, the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5749.522,"endTime":5750.922,"body":"mother, like the good mother."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5752.172,"endTime":5758.662,"body":"I'm so excited for people to, to hear"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5752.172,"endTime":5758.662,"body":"that so that they can, like, I'm like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5758.672,"endTime":5763.772,"body":"I'm thrilled, like, and so excited for"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5758.672,"endTime":5763.772,"body":"people to be able to, like, go out there"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5763.772,"endTime":5768.092,"body":"and, and look and choose their good"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5763.772,"endTime":5768.092,"body":"mom, or, you know, their good dad, or"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5768.092,"endTime":5770.242,"body":"whoever, whoever they need in their life."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5770.462,"endTime":5771.332,"body":"Yes, and it's all fantasy,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5771.602,"endTime":5775.332,"body":"so it doesn't even have to be a character"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5771.602,"endTime":5775.332,"body":"who's older, old enough to be a mother."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5775.897,"endTime":5780.147,"body":"Just choose any fictional character"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5775.897,"endTime":5780.147,"body":"who's kind and sweet and a good"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5780.147,"endTime":5782.577,"body":"friend and a good person and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5780.147,"endTime":5782.577,"body":"imagine what they would say to you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5782.847,"endTime":5784.797,"body":"Yeah, I love that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5785.084,"endTime":5786.474,"body":"That's so freaking beautiful."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5786.754,"endTime":5787.254,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5787.304,"endTime":5792.154,"body":"I know that you just changed so many"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5787.304,"endTime":5792.154,"body":"people's lives like with just that advice."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5792.154,"endTime":5793.114,"body":"Like that's so good."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5794.334,"endTime":5794.844,"body":"That would be great."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5794.904,"endTime":5795.754,"body":"That would be great."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5796.534,"endTime":5800.974,"body":"And before we finish, if I can"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5796.534,"endTime":5800.974,"body":"just have one, one funny comment."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5801.174,"endTime":5805.874,"body":"Um, if this podcast is going to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5801.174,"endTime":5805.874,"body":"make anyone go and read my second"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5805.884,"endTime":5810.514,"body":"series, Self-pity Social Club, please"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5805.884,"endTime":5810.514,"body":"feel free to call my mother names."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5810.554,"endTime":5812.319,"body":"I'm always happy to read those comments."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5812.319,"endTime":5813.934,"body":"The comments are"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5813.934,"endTime":5814.414,"body":"open."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5814.414,"endTime":5814.704,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5815.164,"endTime":5815.674,"body":"Nice."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5815.724,"endTime":5816.014,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5817.599,"endTime":5819.489,"body":"I go back and check new"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5817.599,"endTime":5819.489,"body":"comments every once in a while."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5821.419,"endTime":5824.909,"body":"So I wanted to ask"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5821.419,"endTime":5824.909,"body":"what role creativity plays in"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5824.919,"endTime":5826.219,"body":"your healing and in your life?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5826.489,"endTime":5830.959,"body":"I think I would've been a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5826.489,"endTime":5830.959,"body":"comic artist regardless of my abuse."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5830.959,"endTime":5832.159,"body":"So that's not a big thing."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5832.159,"endTime":5837.259,"body":"However, that second series I started"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5832.159,"endTime":5837.259,"body":"has been very helpful in me putting"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5837.259,"endTime":5839.089,"body":"it to paper and then crying about it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5839.089,"endTime":5841.819,"body":"And then I put some sad"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5839.089,"endTime":5841.819,"body":"music in the background and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5842.119,"endTime":5843.319,"body":"it helps me work through it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5843.939,"endTime":5848.769,"body":"So, after a lot of the episodes I drew,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5843.939,"endTime":5848.769,"body":"I, I often ended up like, ended up like"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5848.769,"endTime":5850.209,"body":"crying, but it was like a good cry."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5850.909,"endTime":5856.339,"body":"And then, um, it's also been helpful"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5850.909,"endTime":5856.339,"body":"because when I put it that way in a comic,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5856.339,"endTime":5860.529,"body":"and then I sent it to my closest friends"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5856.339,"endTime":5860.529,"body":"or my sister, and now it's easier for"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5860.529,"endTime":5861.989,"body":"them to understand what I'm going through."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5863.029,"endTime":5866.189,"body":"And so it's easier for them to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5863.029,"endTime":5866.189,"body":"give me, you know, good advice,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5867.059,"endTime":5868.889,"body":"or  respond the correct way."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5869.299,"endTime":5871.309,"body":"So I think that's quite"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5869.299,"endTime":5871.309,"body":"helpful, personally."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5872.099,"endTime":5875.469,"body":"I'm really glad that you've been"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5872.099,"endTime":5875.469,"body":"processing it and expressing it in that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5875.469,"endTime":5877.459,"body":"way, that it's helping you communicate."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5877.459,"endTime":5882.559,"body":"And it's really beautiful that you've"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5877.459,"endTime":5882.559,"body":"been sharing it with other people as well."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5882.709,"endTime":5882.799,"body":"And"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5882.799,"endTime":5883.579,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5883.579,"endTime":5886.919,"body":"I want to ask,  what have"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5883.579,"endTime":5886.919,"body":"you struggled with the most in"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5886.919,"endTime":5889.599,"body":"your healing or what has been"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5886.919,"endTime":5889.599,"body":"the most challenging for you?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5891.409,"endTime":5892.499,"body":"Suicidal ideas."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5892.499,"endTime":5894.289,"body":"I, I've always been suicidal."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5894.576,"endTime":5898.136,"body":"I'm not sure exactly why, I think it's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5894.576,"endTime":5898.136,"body":"probably from, you know, that internalized"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5898.256,"endTime":5900.006,"body":"bad parent always telling me bad stuff."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5900.789,"endTime":5904.639,"body":"For a long time I had this strong"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5900.789,"endTime":5904.639,"body":"voice inside of me telling me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5904.639,"endTime":5909.769,"body":"that I'm pathetic, and that I'm"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5904.639,"endTime":5909.769,"body":"embarrassing myself by staying alive."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5911.709,"endTime":5913.199,"body":"And that's why I should kill myself."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5913.849,"endTime":5915.229,"body":"So that's probably the hardest bit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5916.779,"endTime":5922.449,"body":"But, I talked to my friends"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5916.779,"endTime":5922.449,"body":"about it, and it's been better."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5923.349,"endTime":5926.229,"body":"For me,  I think it"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5923.349,"endTime":5926.229,"body":"was around second grade that I"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5926.229,"endTime":5928.969,"body":"first started becoming suicidal."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5929.659,"endTime":5935.669,"body":"And something that was helpful for me"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5929.659,"endTime":5935.669,"body":"to kind of think was, it's not always"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5935.689,"endTime":5943.639,"body":"necessarily about a desire for death,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5935.689,"endTime":5943.639,"body":"but,  a deep desire for change, um,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5944.109,"endTime":5949.269,"body":"that just has no, that is just so, so"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5944.109,"endTime":5949.269,"body":"massive, especially since coming from"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5949.279,"endTime":5954.299,"body":"childhood, that it just, it had no other"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5949.279,"endTime":5954.299,"body":"context, that it's a desire for, for"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5954.299,"endTime":5960.069,"body":"change or transformation  sometimes,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5954.299,"endTime":5960.069,"body":"you know, and, um, I want to check in."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5960.664,"endTime":5961.504,"body":"How are you doing?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5962.934,"endTime":5963.874,"body":"Sorry, I'm gonna blow my nose."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5964.864,"endTime":5965.264,"body":"Yeah, it's fine."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5965.874,"endTime":5966.903,"body":"You don't have to cut"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5966.903,"endTime":5968.077,"body":"out that part of crying."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5968.077,"endTime":5969.015,"body":"I think that's good."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5969.015,"endTime":5970.874,"body":"No, it's, it's,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5969.015,"endTime":5970.874,"body":"it's entirely up to you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5970.874,"endTime":5973.594,"body":"And if you, if we want to just,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5970.874,"endTime":5973.594,"body":"like, take a second to, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5973.624,"endTime":5975.464,"body":"move around, that can really help."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5978.354,"endTime":5978.734,"body":"Okay."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5979.534,"endTime":5979.594,"body":"Okay."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5980.944,"endTime":5983.074,"body":"Yeah, sorry, that, um, that"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5980.944,"endTime":5983.074,"body":"one bit just, you know."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5984.264,"endTime":5988.224,"body":"You don't have, you don't have"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5984.264,"endTime":5988.224,"body":"to be sorry, and like, thank you, thank"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5988.224,"endTime":5992.554,"body":"you for talking about this stuff, and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5988.224,"endTime":5992.554,"body":"if you, if you want me to, to cut out"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5992.554,"endTime":5996.824,"body":"crying, like, like, I, I generally cut out"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":5992.554,"endTime":5996.824,"body":"the check ins, because they're personal."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5997.274,"endTime":6000.379,"body":"No, I think, I think it's"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":5997.274,"endTime":6000.379,"body":"better to leave it in, because"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6000.969,"endTime":6004.269,"body":"Because it's honest, and I, I, just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6000.969,"endTime":6004.269,"body":"like, I want my art to be honest."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6004.669,"endTime":6006.159,"body":"I want this interview to be honest."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6006.589,"endTime":6011.559,"body":"Yeah, and it's honestly, like,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6006.589,"endTime":6011.559,"body":"I tend to figure, like, there are"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6011.559,"endTime":6014.969,"body":"these moments that, like, the person"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6011.559,"endTime":6014.969,"body":"listening might be crying as well."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6015.169,"endTime":6018.479,"body":"Like, I, like, it's, it's all"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6015.169,"endTime":6018.479,"body":"really heavy stuff,  and I just"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6018.479,"endTime":6022.719,"body":"really appreciate, like, you coming"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6018.479,"endTime":6022.719,"body":"here and talking about heavy shit."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6023.734,"endTime":6024.064,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6024.064,"endTime":6024.274,"body":"Thank"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6024.274,"endTime":6024.424,"body":"you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6024.664,"endTime":6025.354,"body":"Thank you for having me."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6025.684,"endTime":6028.614,"body":"Are you, are you comfortable"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6025.684,"endTime":6028.614,"body":"if I ask  a couple more questions?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6028.824,"endTime":6028.884,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6028.964,"endTime":6032.084,"body":"So I wanted to ask where"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6028.964,"endTime":6032.084,"body":"have you found strength and support?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6032.784,"endTime":6033.464,"body":"Mostly my friends."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6033.564,"endTime":6033.984,"body":"Mm-hmm"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6034.244,"endTime":6036.159,"body":"."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6034.244,"endTime":6036.159,"body":"Monika: Mostly my friends, definitely."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6036.819,"endTime":6038.439,"body":"I do have some close family members."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6039.309,"endTime":6042.939,"body":"I am close with my sister, but I think"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6039.309,"endTime":6042.939,"body":"my friends have been there for me for"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6042.939,"endTime":6046.669,"body":"a long time and I trust them so deeply"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6042.939,"endTime":6046.669,"body":"and they care about my wellbeing."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6047.419,"endTime":6048.219,"body":"Queer joy?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6048.569,"endTime":6052.199,"body":"Where do you find queer joy"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6048.569,"endTime":6052.199,"body":"and what is that to you?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6053.599,"endTime":6057.139,"body":"Oh my god, I love going,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6053.599,"endTime":6057.139,"body":"because I'm outgoing and clubbing"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6057.139,"endTime":6060.729,"body":"and stuff, I love going to clubs  I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6057.139,"endTime":6060.729,"body":"love seeing all those like very"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6060.729,"endTime":6064.299,"body":"happy, very colorful people just"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6060.729,"endTime":6064.299,"body":"who just want to lift each other up."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6064.329,"endTime":6066.139,"body":"It's so, so nice."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6066.139,"endTime":6068.449,"body":"For example, I just, like I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6066.139,"endTime":6068.449,"body":"mentioned, I just started a new job."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6068.619,"endTime":6069.929,"body":"So I'm just meeting new people there."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6069.929,"endTime":6073.639,"body":"And there's this one man, uh,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6069.929,"endTime":6073.639,"body":"who's, I would say he's queer coded."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6073.639,"endTime":6076.889,"body":"I don't know for sure he's queer, but"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6073.639,"endTime":6076.889,"body":"he's  queer presenting if you will."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6077.509,"endTime":6079.369,"body":"And he's just walking sunshine."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6079.369,"endTime":6081.869,"body":"He just walks around like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6079.369,"endTime":6081.869,"body":"\"Hey, how are you doing?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6082.149,"endTime":6083.076,"body":"How are you doing today?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6083.076,"endTime":6084.208,"body":"Oh my God."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6084.208,"endTime":6084.963,"body":"You're new."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6084.963,"endTime":6086.472,"body":"I love your necklace\"."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6086.472,"endTime":6086.849,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6086.849,"endTime":6087.589,"body":"I'm like, Oh my God."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6087.589,"endTime":6087.859,"body":"Yes."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6087.869,"endTime":6088.739,"body":"Thank you for approaching me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6091.089,"endTime":6091.719,"body":"He's so happy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6091.719,"endTime":6094.209,"body":"I, I hope I, um, I hope I"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6091.719,"endTime":6094.209,"body":"meet him many more times."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6094.209,"endTime":6098.689,"body":"So I just find like queer people are"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6094.209,"endTime":6098.689,"body":"more honest because we tend to be more"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6099.769,"endTime":6101.719,"body":"aware of all those issues like this."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6102.379,"endTime":6107.899,"body":"And so queer people tend to be"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6102.379,"endTime":6107.899,"body":"kinder and more patient because a"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6107.899,"endTime":6109.789,"body":"lot of us have walked through pain."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6110.619,"endTime":6112.979,"body":"So I think that's also really helpful."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6112.979,"endTime":6116.159,"body":"And because whenever I meet a queer"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6112.979,"endTime":6116.159,"body":"person, I know, I know I'm safe."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6116.159,"endTime":6118.189,"body":"I know they're going to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6116.159,"endTime":6118.189,"body":"understand me most of the time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6118.189,"endTime":6120.689,"body":"And yeah, that's, I'm really happy."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6120.689,"endTime":6122.169,"body":"There's a big community where I live."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6122.919,"endTime":6124.429,"body":"That was really beautifully said."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6125.319,"endTime":6125.899,"body":"I just like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6125.899,"endTime":6126.419,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6127.389,"endTime":6131.799,"body":"Oh,   how do you handle dates"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6127.389,"endTime":6131.799,"body":"where they know about your comic?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6132.859,"endTime":6137.489,"body":"Oh my god, that's a funny question"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6132.859,"endTime":6137.489,"body":"actually, because, um, well on one"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6137.489,"endTime":6140.479,"body":"hand it's a bit awkward because if they"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6137.489,"endTime":6140.479,"body":"read all of it then they know about me"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6140.489,"endTime":6142.549,"body":"much more than I do, I know about them."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6142.559,"endTime":6145.049,"body":"So it's almost like a parasocial"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6142.559,"endTime":6145.049,"body":"relationship except we're"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6145.049,"endTime":6146.189,"body":"actually having a date, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6146.889,"endTime":6148.599,"body":"I think it only happened"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6146.889,"endTime":6148.599,"body":"like once or twice."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6148.599,"endTime":6150.815,"body":"Where I've, like, a fan"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6148.599,"endTime":6150.815,"body":"recognized me on Tinder."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6150.815,"endTime":6154.679,"body":"That was quite uplifting, actually,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6150.815,"endTime":6154.679,"body":"because my Tinder radius is so small,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6154.679,"endTime":6157.779,"body":"only 10 miles, and we matched, and she"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6154.679,"endTime":6157.779,"body":"was like, Oh my god, I love your comics!"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6157.799,"endTime":6161.279,"body":"I was like, yo, what the fuck?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6161.279,"endTime":6164.739,"body":"But the funny thing is that I was"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6161.279,"endTime":6164.739,"body":"expecting more women to be like,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6164.739,"endTime":6166.079,"body":"Oh, don't put me in your comic."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6166.439,"endTime":6166.629,"body":"I don't like that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6167.569,"endTime":6170.139,"body":"But actually, most women are"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6167.569,"endTime":6170.139,"body":"like, Am I in your next comic?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6171.219,"endTime":6172.429,"body":"Is there a comic about me coming?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6173.109,"endTime":6175.429,"body":"Even though they're all anonymous,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6173.109,"endTime":6175.429,"body":"they want to be in the comics."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6175.429,"endTime":6176.119,"body":"So that's quite funny."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6176.639,"endTime":6177.249,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6178.289,"endTime":6179.349,"body":"I love that, right?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6179.919,"endTime":6183.019,"body":"And I take care to always make it"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6179.919,"endTime":6183.019,"body":"anonymous, always change the names."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6183.189,"endTime":6183.819,"body":"But still."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6184.419,"endTime":6187.169,"body":"Then I will finish the comic and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6184.419,"endTime":6187.169,"body":"I will send it to her first and"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6187.169,"endTime":6188.209,"body":"say, Oh, this is you, by the way."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6191.019,"endTime":6192.399,"body":"In case you missed that update."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6192.489,"endTime":6195.109,"body":"Because I don't expect them to follow"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6192.489,"endTime":6195.109,"body":"my Instagram religiously or anything."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6195.109,"endTime":6196.879,"body":"So yeah, I just send it to"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6195.109,"endTime":6196.879,"body":"them and they find it funny."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6196.879,"endTime":6198.579,"body":"So that's, that's really"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6196.879,"endTime":6198.579,"body":"positive actually."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6199.469,"endTime":6200.189,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6200.189,"endTime":6203.929,"body":"Cause I, like, I remember,  one of the"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6200.189,"endTime":6203.929,"body":"ones that sticks out is,  the one that"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6203.929,"endTime":6207.179,"body":"you wrote about, like, um, someone's"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6203.929,"endTime":6207.179,"body":"like taking off their shirt and there"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6207.179,"endTime":6210.069,"body":"was like a head bonk and they were"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6207.179,"endTime":6210.069,"body":"like, is this going to be a comic?"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6212.279,"endTime":6213.669,"body":"It was so freaking cute."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6214.889,"endTime":6216.429,"body":"That did happen,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6214.889,"endTime":6216.429,"body":"that did happen for sure."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6216.429,"endTime":6218.139,"body":"That was actually the woman"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6216.429,"endTime":6218.139,"body":"who recognized me on Tinder."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6219.519,"endTime":6220.039,"body":"It was the same woman."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6221.209,"endTime":6221.589,"body":"Oh."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6223.419,"endTime":6224.079,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6224.729,"endTime":6228.484,"body":"Do you have anything to say to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6224.729,"endTime":6228.484,"body":"the survivors who are listening?"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6229.294,"endTime":6233.144,"body":"Yes, I would say, please"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6229.294,"endTime":6233.144,"body":"write down the great advice"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6233.174,"endTime":6234.384,"body":"that my therapist gave me."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6234.654,"endTime":6236.444,"body":"Because it will apply to most of us."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6237.434,"endTime":6239.454,"body":"And please find a nice fictional mom."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6239.754,"endTime":6240.304,"body":"You can do it."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6241.114,"endTime":6244.254,"body":"And don't give up, like, even"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6241.114,"endTime":6244.254,"body":"though, even though you might be"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6244.254,"endTime":6249.034,"body":"feeling down today, you might not"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6244.254,"endTime":6249.034,"body":"be feeling the same in the future."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6249.324,"endTime":6249.874,"body":"You will not."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6250.384,"endTime":6252.804,"body":"The feelings pass and we"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6250.384,"endTime":6252.804,"body":"should not let feelings dictate"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6253.254,"endTime":6254.454,"body":"extreme actions like suicide."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6255.04,"endTime":6256.09,"body":"Thank you so much."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6256.54,"endTime":6258.6,"body":"Like, thank you so, so much."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6258.67,"endTime":6259.48,"body":"Thank you so much."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6259.48,"endTime":6260.29,"body":"I have a great time."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6260.29,"endTime":6260.81,"body":"I feel great."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6262.145,"endTime":6265.845,"body":"Me too, I'm, I'm so excited,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6262.145,"endTime":6265.845,"body":"like, and thank you, like, this has been"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6265.845,"endTime":6268.185,"body":"amazing, and I just so, so appreciate you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6268.185,"endTime":6268.535,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6269.135,"endTime":6269.585,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6269.585,"endTime":6270.495,"body":"You're very kind,"},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6270.975,"endTime":6271.665,"body":"you're very kind."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6272.245,"endTime":6272.875,"body":"Thank you, thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6272.875,"endTime":6273.135,"body":"No,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6273.135,"endTime":6276.335,"body":"and I'm so, I'm so excited to share"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6273.135,"endTime":6276.335,"body":"this with, uh, with other people"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6276.335,"endTime":6278.585,"body":"too, because like, you're wonderful."},{"speaker":"Monika","startTime":6278.585,"endTime":6279.075,"body":"Yeah, absolutely."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6279.075,"endTime":6279.625,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6279.875,"endTime":6283.555,"body":"And, uh, and I will let you, uh, get"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6279.875,"endTime":6283.555,"body":"on with the rest of, of your evening."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6283.965,"endTime":6285.615,"body":"And I just so, so appreciate you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6285.615,"endTime":6286.135,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6286.732,"endTime":6288.232,"body":"Thank you so much for listening."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6288.399,"endTime":6292.869,"body":"Please check episode notes, there you'll"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6288.399,"endTime":6292.869,"body":"find links to Monika's comics and her"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6292.869,"endTime":6295.449,"body":"wonderful book that's available on Amazon."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6295.479,"endTime":6298.149,"body":"I hope you'll go show her"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6295.479,"endTime":6298.149,"body":"some love and appreciation."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6298.422,"endTime":6302.052,"body":"Episode notes is also where you"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6298.422,"endTime":6302.052,"body":"can find all my links, so you can"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6302.052,"endTime":6306.732,"body":"check out my website, follow me on"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6302.052,"endTime":6306.732,"body":"social media, subscribe on YouTube,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6307.182,"endTime":6308.742,"body":"and catch me live on Twitch."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6308.742,"endTime":6311.982,"body":"I want to remind everyone that with"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6308.742,"endTime":6311.982,"body":"the disruption and changes we've been"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6311.982,"endTime":6316.272,"body":"seeing with social media platforms,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6311.982,"endTime":6316.272,"body":"this is a good time to make sure you're"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6316.272,"endTime":6322.152,"body":"following creators, organizations,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6316.272,"endTime":6322.152,"body":"educators, artists, and activists on"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6322.152,"endTime":6326.462,"body":"other platforms in case they're forced"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6322.152,"endTime":6326.462,"body":"to move elsewhere and so you can have"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6326.492,"endTime":6328.712,"body":"access to anything they might be producing"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6328.762,"endTime":6331.102,"body":"That's being censored by social media."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6331.102,"endTime":6333.442,"body":"We need to stick together"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6331.102,"endTime":6333.442,"body":"and stay connected."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6333.553,"endTime":6336.733,"body":"I especially encourage you to"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6333.553,"endTime":6336.733,"body":"support your favorite creators on"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6336.733,"endTime":6339.253,"body":"platforms like Patreon and Substack."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6340.063,"endTime":6344.213,"body":"If you didn't know, it's free"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6340.063,"endTime":6344.213,"body":"to follow someone on Patreon if"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6344.213,"endTime":6345.863,"body":"you can't afford a subscription."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6346.026,"endTime":6350.396,"body":"A massive shout out   to all my Patrons"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6346.026,"endTime":6350.396,"body":"that made today's episode possible."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6350.826,"endTime":6358.431,"body":"Thank you Emerald, Meadow, Urja,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6350.826,"endTime":6358.431,"body":"Kathleen, Sedonka, Bryony, and the Gob."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6359.121,"endTime":6360.021,"body":"Welcome in Gob."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6360.771,"endTime":6362.841,"body":"We're so excited to have you with us."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6363.204,"endTime":6367.914,"body":"Y'all are absolutely incredible and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6363.204,"endTime":6367.914,"body":"I am so grateful every single day."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6368.514,"endTime":6371.094,"body":"It's been especially wonderful"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6368.514,"endTime":6371.094,"body":"getting to know some of you more"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6371.094,"endTime":6373.554,"body":"in Discord and on Twitch streams."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6374.004,"endTime":6375.354,"body":"Thank you all so much."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6375.759,"endTime":6380.859,"body":"This is an especially meaningful"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6375.759,"endTime":6380.859,"body":"episode for me thanking the Patrons"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6380.859,"endTime":6386.398,"body":"because of the time gap involved,"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6380.859,"endTime":6386.398,"body":"because this was recorded a year"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6386.398,"endTime":6392.124,"body":"ago, and then so many of you have"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6386.398,"endTime":6392.124,"body":"supported me and stayed with me during"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6392.249,"endTime":6395.639,"body":"the year plus mental health"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6392.249,"endTime":6395.639,"body":"break that I had to take."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6396.269,"endTime":6402.839,"body":"So you have supported me all that time"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6396.269,"endTime":6402.839,"body":"waiting for this episode to finally"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6402.839,"endTime":6405.689,"body":"happen, and it means so, so much to me."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6405.944,"endTime":6410.534,"body":"Thank you all so much for all of"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6405.944,"endTime":6410.534,"body":"your, your faith and your support."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6411.374,"endTime":6412.664,"body":"Thank you for sticking with me."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6413.514,"endTime":6417.964,"body":"Today's episode was edited"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6413.514,"endTime":6417.964,"body":"and produced by me, Hecate."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6418.214,"endTime":6423.164,"body":"The music is, Your Heart is a Muscle"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6418.214,"endTime":6423.164,"body":"the Size of Your Fist, used with"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6423.164,"endTime":6425.534,"body":"the permission of Ramshackle Glory."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6426.374,"endTime":6427.634,"body":"Thank you again for listening."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6428.244,"endTime":6429.684,"body":"This has been Finding OK."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6430.032,"endTime":6433.762,"body":"Destroy the kyriarchy and keep"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6430.032,"endTime":6433.762,"body":"working towards collective liberation."},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6434.048,"endTime":6436.838,"body":"Take care of yourself and"},{"speaker":"Hecate","startTime":6434.048,"endTime":6436.838,"body":"take care of each other."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6437.438,"endTime":6440.228,"body":"Your heart"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6437.438,"endTime":6440.228,"body":"is a muscle size of your fist."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6440.408,"endTime":6445.508,"body":"Keep on loving, keep on fighting,"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6440.408,"endTime":6445.508,"body":"and hold on and hold on."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6447.068,"endTime":6448.988,"body":"Hold on for your life, for your life."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6451.102,"endTime":6453.422,"body":"Your heart is a muscle"},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6451.102,"endTime":6453.422,"body":"the size of your fist."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6453.752,"endTime":6455.062,"body":"Keep on loving."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6455.062,"endTime":6455.392,"body":"Keep on fighting."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6456.052,"endTime":6457.712,"body":"And hold on, and hold on."},{"speaker":"Ramshackle Glory","startTime":6457.712,"endTime":6460.152,"body":"Hold on for your life."}]}