SPEAKER_01: This podcast is brought to you by Grand Parkway Baptist Church.
SPEAKER_01: Helping people to know, enjoy, and glorify God.
SPEAKER_01: For more information about Grand Parkway, visit Grandparkway.org.
SPEAKER_01: Amen, amen.
SPEAKER_01: Let's pray together.
SPEAKER_01: Lord Jesus, uh, thank you.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, we we agree what the Bible says that all of God's promises are yes and amen in you, Jesus.
SPEAKER_01: And so we've come to deepen our faith, uh, to think biblically about a topic that is very timely for us today, uh, and to maybe repent of some things that we've done that that are convenient but not helpful.
SPEAKER_01: And so, Holy Spirit, we just we we we've lifted our hands up, and now we come to lay our lives down before the text and say, Lord, whatever you have to do, whatever has our name on it today, activate our spirit around that and towards that so we'll know, okay, that's why I got up and it's cold and I got dressed and I came to church.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, because God had a word for me.
SPEAKER_01: And so, Holy Spirit, illuminate the scriptures today.
SPEAKER_01: Cause us to walk out of here with things to think about.
SPEAKER_01: We ask for this in Jesus' name, and all God's people said.
SPEAKER_01: Amen.
SPEAKER_01: You can have a seat.
SPEAKER_01: If you've got a Bible, I'd like you to take it and open up to Luke chapter 15.
SPEAKER_01: Luke chapter 15.
SPEAKER_01: The doctor said I'd be okay if I didn't speak with emotion.
SPEAKER_01: So we'll see how that goes.
SPEAKER_01: I want to talk to you this morning about big picture parenting.
SPEAKER_01: Big picture parenting.
SPEAKER_01: What I mean by that is about I want to take the 40,000-foot view of parenting, not the 400-foot view or the four-foot view.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, and so I leave it up to you to kind of take these five principles I'm gonna talk about today and apply them to your situation, to your kids, uh, whether they be adults or whether they're not even here yet, whether they're two or twenty-two.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, and so I want to read a very familiar story.
SPEAKER_01: This is what's known as the story of the prodigal son.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, I think it's probably uh better told as the story of the wise father.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, but I'll begin reading in Luke chapter 15, verse 11.
SPEAKER_01: The Bible says this.
SPEAKER_01: And he said, There was a man.
SPEAKER_01: Now let me give you the context.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, the Pharisees come to Jesus at the beginning of this chapter, and they they said, Hey, you welcome sinners and eat with them.
SPEAKER_01: What's your deal?
SPEAKER_01: Uh, don't don't don't you know they don't deserve it?
SPEAKER_01: And then he tells three stories to demonstrate how much he loves people that are far from God.
SPEAKER_01: And he tells the story of the lost sheep, the lost coin, and now the lost son.
SPEAKER_01: And he says, This there was a man who had two sons, and the young one said to his father, Father, give me the share of the property that is coming to me.
SPEAKER_01: He divided his property between them, and not many days later, the younger son gathered together all that he had.
SPEAKER_01: He took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property and reckless living.
SPEAKER_01: And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need.
SPEAKER_01: And so he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country who sent him to the field to feed pigs.
SPEAKER_01: And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.
SPEAKER_01: When he came to himself, he said, How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread?
SPEAKER_01: But I perish here with hunger.
SPEAKER_01: I will arise and go back to my father, and I will say to him, Father, I sinned against heaven and before you I am no longer worthy to be called your son.
SPEAKER_01: Treat me as one of your hired servants.
SPEAKER_01: And he arose and he came to his father.
SPEAKER_01: But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and he ran and embraced him and kissed him.
SPEAKER_01: And he said, and the son said to him, Father, I've sinned against heaven, and before you I'm no longer worthy to be called your son.
SPEAKER_01: But the father said to his servants, Bring, uh, bring quickly the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and put shoes on his feet, and bring the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate.
SPEAKER_01: For this my son was dead and is alive again.
SPEAKER_01: He was lost and is found.
SPEAKER_01: And they began to celebrate.
SPEAKER_01: Now his older son was in the field, and as he came, as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing.
SPEAKER_01: And he called one of the servants and asked them what these things meant.
SPEAKER_01: By the way, self-righteous people don't understand celebration.
SPEAKER_01: If you've got to call a servant and go, hey, what does this mean?
SPEAKER_01: And he said to him, Your brother has come and your father has killed the fatty calf because he has received him back safe and sound.
SPEAKER_01: But he was angry and he refused to go in.
SPEAKER_01: His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, Look, these many years I've served you, I've never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat that I might celebrate with my friends.
SPEAKER_01: But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fatty calf for him.
SPEAKER_01: And he said to him, Son, you're always with me, and all that is mine is yours.
SPEAKER_01: It was fitting to celebrate and be glad.
SPEAKER_01: For this, your brother was dead and is alive.
SPEAKER_01: He was lost and is found.
SPEAKER_01: Five principles of big picture parenting.
SPEAKER_01: And here's the first one.
SPEAKER_01: It's right at verses 11 to 13.
SPEAKER_01: Always balance resources and relationship.
SPEAKER_01: This really comes into play when your kids get to be about 12 and on.
SPEAKER_01: And you say, What do you mean?
SPEAKER_01: He he comes to his dad and he says, Father, give me the share of the uh of the property that is coming to me.
SPEAKER_01: That is coming to me.
SPEAKER_01: Uh now, when is this coming to him?
SPEAKER_01: Uh what is he saying to his father?
SPEAKER_01: He's saying, Listen, I want my inheritance now.
SPEAKER_01: It's like your kids coming to you this afternoon and said, Hey, listen, what's your total asset number?
SPEAKER_01: Could you write it down here?
SPEAKER_01: And how much that has my name on it?
SPEAKER_01: Because I want it, because I'm tired of your rules.
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to live here anymore.
SPEAKER_01: Just give me the money and leave me alone.
SPEAKER_01: Remember this.
SPEAKER_01: Until your kids can demonstrate they can be responsible, they should never be allowed to have power.
SPEAKER_01: Until your kids can demonstrate they can be responsible, they should never be allowed to have power because they will destroy themselves with power.
SPEAKER_01: An irresponsible kid will destroy themselves if they're given power.
SPEAKER_01: But basically, he says, Hey, you're dead to me.
SPEAKER_01: Just give me my inheritance now, and I'll figure it out.
SPEAKER_01: The son thinks he's getting all the resources, but what's really happening is the father is prioritizing the relationship.
SPEAKER_01: The father is prioritizing the relationship over the resources.
SPEAKER_01: And so when I say always balance resource and relationship, sometimes your kids want the resources and you have to remind them the resources come in the context of the relationship.
SPEAKER_01: You can't separate the two.
SPEAKER_01: The son says, Listen, give me what's coming to me.
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to read around the translation.
SPEAKER_01: I think this is the best thing that you can give me.
SPEAKER_01: And really, let me say it like this: never use your resources to make up for a lack in the relationship.
SPEAKER_01: Your kid's biggest need isn't stuff.
SPEAKER_01: Your kid's biggest need is you.
SPEAKER_01: Your kid's biggest need is not stuff.
SPEAKER_01: It's not the latest, greatest iPhone.
SPEAKER_01: My kids used to tell me, you know, what new iPhone came out?
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, great.
SPEAKER_01: Well, Dad, you know, there's a new iPhone out.
SPEAKER_01: Doesn't move the needle for me.
SPEAKER_01: Does yours still work?
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but all my friends, your friends are losers.
SPEAKER_01: I could care less about them.
SPEAKER_01: Their parents are non-discerning cowards.
SPEAKER_01: I do not fear your wrath.
SPEAKER_01: You should tell your kid, get that tattooed on your chest, dad.
SPEAKER_01: I do not fear your wrath.
SPEAKER_01: The hardest thing to you for you to withstand is your kids' wrath.
SPEAKER_01: And I'm not kidding.
SPEAKER_01: My kids go, oh, but but but my phone's three years old.
SPEAKER_01: My phone I have in my back pocket right now is seven years old.
SPEAKER_01: And it still works.
SPEAKER_01: I think it's an iPhone single single digit, by the way.
SPEAKER_01: You see, uh you gotta always balance resources and relationship.
SPEAKER_01: Number two, consequences are necessary.
SPEAKER_01: Consequences are necessary.
SPEAKER_01: The Bible's so subtle sometimes, but uh it gets hard for the kid, okay?
SPEAKER_01: And he begins to be in need until he gets a job.
SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
SPEAKER_01: It's so hard.
SPEAKER_01: I gotta stop playing video games and get a job.
SPEAKER_01: And this is what he does.
SPEAKER_01: He's a Jewish kid, he gets a job feeding pigs at a pig farm.
SPEAKER_01: If you want to see the magnitude of this, go into a Jewish deli in New York and order a ham sandwich.
SPEAKER_01: Then it will become apparent to you.
SPEAKER_01: Uh it's it can't get any harder than this.
SPEAKER_01: And look at me.
SPEAKER_01: If you rescue your kids from consequences, you'll rescue them the rest of their life.
SPEAKER_01: The hardest thing to do is to let your kid experience the consequences of their choices.
SPEAKER_01: It's not easy.
SPEAKER_01: I'm not standing up here today acting like, oh, well, just uh oh, consequences are necessary.
SPEAKER_01: Here's why.
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes consequences are the only thing that turn your kid's heart back towards home.
SPEAKER_01: Because the text says when he came to himself, I think the NIV says it better.
SPEAKER_01: It says in Babber 17, when he came to his senses, he said, How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread?
SPEAKER_01: Here I am, starving to death.
SPEAKER_01: You have to let your children feel the way of their choices.
SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, they make choices and you compensate.
SPEAKER_01: They make choices and you compensate.
SPEAKER_01: So guess what?
SPEAKER_01: They'll keep making those choices because in their mind they think my mom and my dad are always going to compensate.
SPEAKER_01: Uh only after he comes to his senses does he use the personal pronoun I.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing: where there are no convictions, your child needs consequences.
SPEAKER_01: And so you should ask yourself today as parents, what are the core convictions we want our kids to leave our home with?
SPEAKER_01: And you should parent towards those things becoming a reality in your kid.
SPEAKER_01: They understand these things because here's the uh what I call the consequences of no consequence, okay?
SPEAKER_01: If you don't let your kids experience consequences, I'm not saying be hard and harsh and punish them 24-7.
SPEAKER_01: I am saying stop babying them and let the, oh, you want to be a big boy?
SPEAKER_01: You want to be a big girl?
SPEAKER_01: Okay, here's some big boy, big girl consequences because uh there's a consequence to no consequences.
SPEAKER_01: Actually, there's five of them.
SPEAKER_01: Let me take them off for you.
SPEAKER_01: Number one, irresponsible adults.
SPEAKER_01: Irresponsible adults.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it's just the word late.
SPEAKER_01: We're late to marry, we're late to get a job, we like to freelance, we're we don't like one job.
SPEAKER_01: We don't want to be dependent on the man.
SPEAKER_01: We like two or three or four revenue streams or work part-time, smoke weed, play video games, have ongoing relationships.
SPEAKER_01: If I was a girl, I'm like, listen, dude, we're dating two years.
SPEAKER_01: What are we doing?
SPEAKER_01: If you're in a relationship for two years or you hadn't figured it out yet, break up or get married.
SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
SPEAKER_01: He's sick, he doesn't mean that.
SPEAKER_01: No, I mean every bit of that.
SPEAKER_01: It's just late.
SPEAKER_01: We just perpetually kick everything down the street because you can't commit to anything.
SPEAKER_01: Why?
SPEAKER_01: Because you're not responsible.
SPEAKER_01: You're just not.
SPEAKER_01: I remember I used to meet people that that that met back in the 50s and they met and they got married two months later.
SPEAKER_01: I'm not endorsing that.
SPEAKER_01: But I'm just like, I'm like, what's the deal?
SPEAKER_01: And the guy's like, man, I knew she was the one.
SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to live another day apart from her.
SPEAKER_01: We were dead broke.
SPEAKER_01: We lived in my parents' house for the first nine months.
SPEAKER_01: I saved money, we got an apartment, and the struggle was real and it was fun.
SPEAKER_01: Nowadays, oh, is it my girlfriend?
SPEAKER_01: How long are you dating?
SPEAKER_01: Seven years.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, ladies, you should respect yourself enough to have a hard boundary and say, no, thank you.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, but this is what I mean by irresponsible adults.
SPEAKER_01: Let me just say it like this: the path of least resistance produces a people of little character.
SPEAKER_01: It just does.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the second consequence of no consequences, more of the same.
SPEAKER_01: More of the same.
SPEAKER_01: Without consequences, our kids repeat negative behavior because there's no incentive to stop.
SPEAKER_01: A lack of consequences robs your kid of the incentive to actually change.
SPEAKER_01: Thirdly, difficult to with social norms.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, your home may be void of consequences, but the world isn't.
SPEAKER_01: And so they don't experience consequences at home.
SPEAKER_01: Makes them harder to realize and adapt to the real world where you got to get to work on time and you got to work, and you could get fired.
SPEAKER_01: I recently met with someone, and everything was just, oh, and they did me wrong, and these people laid me off, and I couldn't believe this, and da-da-da-da-da.
SPEAKER_01: And I just said, Hey, are you aware that you tell your story as one of pain instead of failure?
SPEAKER_01: Everything's a pain narrative.
SPEAKER_01: How the man's out to get you and company fired you because they're prejudice against you.
SPEAKER_01: You showed up late to work.
SPEAKER_01: How many times?
SPEAKER_01: Seven in a month.
SPEAKER_01: Well, I overslept.
SPEAKER_01: It's called adulthood, son.
SPEAKER_01: Grow up.
SPEAKER_01: And he said, So you're not gonna help me?
SPEAKER_01: No, I'm not gonna help you.
SPEAKER_01: Why would I help you?
SPEAKER_01: I'm helping you by telling you to grow up.
SPEAKER_01: Well, I thought the church would give me some money.
SPEAKER_01: No, I don't know who told you that, but well, I mean, my friend said you're really generous.
SPEAKER_01: You like to help people.
SPEAKER_01: I don't like to help lazy people.
SPEAKER_01: Are you saying I'm lazy?
SPEAKER_01: That's exactly what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I wait for it.
SPEAKER_01: Well, growing up, man, I never experienced things like this.
SPEAKER_01: This is why you can't be a man.
SPEAKER_01: You're what I call a band.
SPEAKER_01: You're not a boy, you're not a man, you're a band, you're stuck somewhere in the middle.
SPEAKER_01: Girls don't like to wear to date or marry bands.
SPEAKER_01: They like to wear men.
SPEAKER_01: Because men invite them into a store that's big enough to live in.
SPEAKER_01: All you're inviting them to do is to hang out, smoke weed, chill, do whatever.
SPEAKER_01: Because yeah, he smokes.
SPEAKER_01: Because I said, hey, what do you spend your money on?
SPEAKER_01: He said, Well, I mean, I uh, you know, I smoke.
SPEAKER_01: And nowadays when kids say they smoke, they don't mean Marlboro Reds.
SPEAKER_01: It's that common.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01: Difficulty with social norms.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the fourth one: impaired decision-making ability.
SPEAKER_01: When there's no consequences for a bad decision, how do you know when you're making a good one?
SPEAKER_01: This telling manifests around the ages of 21 to 23 because you've run out of structures to support you.
SPEAKER_01: High school and college are over, and you're ill-prepared for young.
SPEAKER_01: You can't leave late in adolescence and get into early adulthood because you don't have the skill set.
SPEAKER_01: Emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually, you are not ready for that.
SPEAKER_01: So you have what's called impaired decision-making ability.
SPEAKER_01: Uh uh, and this is here's the way uh it manifests these three areas: the way you view a job, the way you view relationships, and the way you view friendships.
SPEAKER_01: They should all mature.
SPEAKER_01: Like just, hey, friendships, what do you mean?
SPEAKER_01: You should just weed out of your life friendships that are not helpful to you becoming the man or woman God created you to be.
SPEAKER_01: Relationships, you shouldn't just date in perpet in perpetuity.
SPEAKER_01: If you want to see the biggest uh uh uh indicator of impaired decision-making ability, tender.
SPEAKER_01: You ain't gotta make a decision.
SPEAKER_01: You can experience something, but you ain't gotta commit to nothing.
SPEAKER_01: We are relationally dysfunctional.
SPEAKER_01: I would say retarded, but it's not a very politically correct word.
SPEAKER_01: We don't know how to be in.
SPEAKER_01: Ask yourself this question.
SPEAKER_01: If you've got a kid over the age of 18, ask yourself this question, how many forms of friendships does my child have?
SPEAKER_01: People they hang out with, and I feel good about it.
SPEAKER_01: Relationships, they just go on forever.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, what are we doing?
SPEAKER_01: Ah, we're going to eat dinner.
SPEAKER_01: No, where's this going?
SPEAKER_01: What's the plan?
SPEAKER_01: Beyoncé called.
SPEAKER_01: She said, put a ring on it.
SPEAKER_01: No, they can't commit to that.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the last one uh an over-reliance on parents.
SPEAKER_01: Because they never develop necessary skills.
SPEAKER_01: They require someone to solve their problems for them.
SPEAKER_01: And that's you, mom and dad.
SPEAKER_01: When they leave home, by the way, if they ever leave, they will get in a relationship where they'll treat that person the way they've treated you, over-reliant on them.
SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, this is if it's a guy, this is my new mom.
SPEAKER_01: If it's a girl, oh, this is my new dad.
SPEAKER_01: He just happens to be my age.
SPEAKER_01: Because they don't have, I'm not mocking, they don't have the skill set, the life skills, the emotional intelligence or the emotional maturity to function in the world.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the third principle.
SPEAKER_01: Put a star by this one.
SPEAKER_01: Stay on the porch.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, I say this to more people, and they look at me, and they a lot of times the mom will be like, oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, one thing the father doesn't do, he doesn't get off the porch and go looking for his son.
SPEAKER_01: They don't sell the farm, hire a private detective, take pictures of their son every pig farm in this in the country.
SPEAKER_01: Have you seen my son?
SPEAKER_01: He's about 6'1, 200 pounds, brown hair, blue eyes, good-looking kid, played high school football, kind of got with the wrong crowd when he was about 15, got off track.
SPEAKER_01: But if you see him, please call this.
SPEAKER_01: No.
SPEAKER_01: The father stays on the porch.
SPEAKER_01: Now, by the way, this is only possible because you don't see your kid's behavior as a statement about your parenting.
SPEAKER_01: I lost a lot of you right there.
SPEAKER_01: You you will not stay on the porch if you think, oh my gosh, their behavior is a statement about what me as a mom or me as a dad.
SPEAKER_01: I am such a bad father.
SPEAKER_01: I used to tell my kids, hey, you've been raised right.
SPEAKER_01: So if you leave this house and put it in the ditch, that ain't a statement about me.
SPEAKER_01: And I love my girls.
SPEAKER_01: And by the grace of God, they're solid young women.
SPEAKER_01: But it because if they have that power over you, they will use it against you.
SPEAKER_01: But they just will.
SPEAKER_01: So when I say stay on the porch, basically, uh, the father is waiting for what God needs to do in his son's heart.
SPEAKER_01: And here's how he knows that God's done something in his son's heart.
SPEAKER_01: He's looking one day and he sees him coming down the road.
SPEAKER_01: And the son that he goes to receive is not the same son that left.
SPEAKER_01: Now, if you're always receiving the same son or daughter back, you're the behavior's never gonna change.
SPEAKER_01: Does that statement make sense?
SPEAKER_01: The son that the father's, the father's on the porch.
SPEAKER_01: I think the father's still on the porch every day at sunset and just kind of look down the road and just say, Well, I know how we're gonna pray tonight, but this is not going to control us.
SPEAKER_01: This is not gonna dysregulate our family.
SPEAKER_01: We got life, we got other kids, I got a job, we got to do stuff.
SPEAKER_01: Staying on the porch means you're trusting God's plan for your children more than you're trusting your own.
SPEAKER_01: Because if you're always saving your kids, they never see their need for Jesus as savior because you become their functional savior.
SPEAKER_01: And I it's hard.
SPEAKER_01: I I know I say stay on the porch, you're like, oh some of you right now they got a prodigal.
SPEAKER_01: You're like, you have no idea, bro.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I do.
SPEAKER_01: I do.
SPEAKER_01: I remember I counseled a couple years ago, probably four years ago.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, and their son was into drugs, and he was, they know his stuff was disappearing around the house.
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Oh, your son's stealing from you.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, he would never do that.
SPEAKER_01: We just misplaced it.
SPEAKER_01: No, you're uh an addict doesn't just use drugs, he uses everybody and everything in his life.
SPEAKER_01: They're like, Are you serious?
SPEAKER_01: I'm very serious.
SPEAKER_01: And so they had to kick their son out.
SPEAKER_01: Moms, let hear this.
SPEAKER_01: Three months later, she's at a red light, and a homeless vagrant walks up to her window and she looks over, and it's her son.
SPEAKER_01: And she just panicked, and he saw her, and she saw him, and she she wouldn't roll the window down.
SPEAKER_01: And she drove home.
SPEAKER_01: She called me and she said, I just saw my son, and he's homeless, and he's disheveled, and I want to go in there and get him and clean him up.
SPEAKER_01: But I said, That's the worst thing you could do.
SPEAKER_01: You stay on the porch.
SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, you don't know what it's like to be a parent.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I do.
SPEAKER_01: If you get off the porch now, you'll go off the porch the rest of your life.
SPEAKER_01: You, you, you, this is gonna hear this.
SPEAKER_01: You gotta harden your heart because you know what you're doing is the right thing.
SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying don't feel for your son, don't care for your son.
SPEAKER_01: I'm saying do not let him emotionally dysregulate you with his addiction.
SPEAKER_01: So go get him.
SPEAKER_01: Well, what if I took him food?
SPEAKER_01: Don't take him food.
SPEAKER_01: Don't make it easier to live out there in a land of irresponsibility.
SPEAKER_01: By the way, don't give money to homeless people.
SPEAKER_01: They know where they are.
SPEAKER_01: Star of hope.
SPEAKER_01: They all can go to star of hope.
SPEAKER_01: They don't want to.
SPEAKER_01: And when you give them money, you empower them to be irresponsible.
SPEAKER_01: It feels good for you, it's terrible for them.
SPEAKER_01: You might as well just say, Here, keep on using, bro.
SPEAKER_01: I got a call about four months later.
SPEAKER_01: Same lady.
SPEAKER_01: Totally different tone of voice.
SPEAKER_01: Well, I want to give you an update.
SPEAKER_01: I know what you said, and I didn't sound like I was listening, but I was listening.
SPEAKER_01: It was hard.
SPEAKER_01: And I had to go to my neighbor and say, I want you to take my car keys and do not do not let me go get my son.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I said, I get it.
SPEAKER_01: I get it.
SPEAKER_01: And she said, about a month after that, my son went into rehab and he's been clean and sober for the past three months.
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Yeah, because here's the thing: if you get off the porch, if the son, if your children know that my mom and dad will do whatever I need them to do, even if it's bad for them and it's not good for me, they'll do it.
SPEAKER_01: Then get prepared to do that the rest of your life.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the fourth principle of big picture parenting.
SPEAKER_01: Be aware of the style of relating.
SPEAKER_01: It's verses 21 to 24.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, there's two dominant styles of relating: transactional and relational.
SPEAKER_01: The son in this in the prodigal son story is transactional.
SPEAKER_01: He comes to his dad, it's like a transaction.
SPEAKER_01: You go to Starbucks, give him$4, they give you a cup of coffee.
SPEAKER_01: He goes to his son and says, Hey, this is what I want.
SPEAKER_01: Give me the money that's coming to me.
SPEAKER_01: Nobody gets hurt.
SPEAKER_01: And the father does.
SPEAKER_01: Why?
SPEAKER_01: Because the father values the relationship.
SPEAKER_01: The father is relational.
SPEAKER_01: We'll get that in a minute.
SPEAKER_01: The son is transactional.
SPEAKER_01: This is this, hey, this is what I want when he's leaving, and when he comes back, this is what I've done.
SPEAKER_01: He rehearses the speech.
SPEAKER_01: I've sinned against heaven, and I'm no longer worthy to be called your son.
SPEAKER_01: Make me like one of your hired men.
SPEAKER_01: Make me a servant.
SPEAKER_01: That's transactional.
SPEAKER_01: And our kids by nature are transactional.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, I I remember I was speaking in a youth camp, big church.
SPEAKER_01: And there was a at the end of the service, kids can be emotional, nothing wrong with that, but a lot of it's just fake.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, can I just say that out loud?
SPEAKER_01: Uh and so I'm standing there in the second row, and there's a kid down here on the altar.
SPEAKER_01: He is just and something about it, I just kind of folded my arms.
SPEAKER_01: I was like, Why am I not why am I offended by this?
SPEAKER_01: And Clear Isabelle, the Holy Spirit said, because he's faking it.
SPEAKER_01: He looked around, everybody else was crying.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna cry.
SPEAKER_01: So I just walked down there and knelt down beside him, and I said, Hey man, what's going on?
SPEAKER_01: He said, Uh, my parents caught me doing cocaine and they took away my bronco.
SPEAKER_01: Wait for it.
SPEAKER_01: This is the transactional heart of your kids.
SPEAKER_01: And I said, So why the crying?
SPEAKER_01: And he stopped.
SPEAKER_01: He's like, cut off the waterworks.
SPEAKER_01: He said, Bro.
SPEAKER_01: I want my Bronco back.
SPEAKER_01: So you're not down here weeping over your sin.
SPEAKER_01: No, I want my Bronco back.
SPEAKER_01: Let me help you back to your seat.
SPEAKER_01: And I helped him up and I walked him back and I sent him back there among his friends.
SPEAKER_01: And one of his friends go, Hey, but what are you doing?
SPEAKER_01: I I just don't want your, I don't want to participate in this lie.
SPEAKER_01: You want your bronco back.
SPEAKER_01: You don't want to repent.
SPEAKER_01: You don't this is not God.
SPEAKER_01: This is just you.
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna go to camp and cry and get my bronco back.
SPEAKER_01: We had to have a meeting later that night.
SPEAKER_01: The youth workers and the youth pastor wanted to meet with the Mino camp speaker and say, why did you do that?
SPEAKER_01: And I said, because he's a phony liar, but beyond that, no real reason.
SPEAKER_01: And the kid walked up and I said, Hey man, are we good?
SPEAKER_01: He goes, Yeah, man.
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I just got caught in the moment, but man, my broncos fly, it's tricked out.
SPEAKER_01: And I just pointed.
SPEAKER_01: The youth workers are crestfallen.
SPEAKER_01: And I said to all these adults, does it surprise you that kids are by nature transactional?
SPEAKER_01: They want stuff.
SPEAKER_01: And they're like, Well, that's so negative.
SPEAKER_01: No, that's so true.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, by the way, that's your depraved heart, too.
SPEAKER_01: Apart from the Holy Spirit, you'd be the same way.
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
SPEAKER_01: Two styles really.
SPEAKER_01: There's transactional, then there's relational.
SPEAKER_01: Why does the father give him his inheritance?
SPEAKER_01: Because he values the relationship more than money.
SPEAKER_01: He comes back, I'm not worthy, I'm no longer worthy to be called, I've sinned against heaven against you.
SPEAKER_01: I'm not worthy to be called one of your sons.
SPEAKER_01: Make me like a hired servant.
SPEAKER_01: Look at me.
SPEAKER_01: If you're a son, you could never be a servant in the eyes of the father.
SPEAKER_01: Some of you are here today, you're trying to convince God just to let you be a servant.
SPEAKER_01: And he's not going to let you because you're a son or you're a daughter of God.
SPEAKER_01: And once you become a son or a daughter of God, you could never go back to being a servant.
SPEAKER_01: Because basically, what you're saying, you're trying to be transactional again and say, hey, let me just be a servant and all's good.
SPEAKER_01: That's transactional.
SPEAKER_01: You were called into a relationship that is deeply relational by nature.
SPEAKER_01: Like right now, there's one person in this room that is grimacing about my voice on a level that most of you aren't.
SPEAKER_01: And she's sitting right over there.
SPEAKER_01: And she was praying this morning.
SPEAKER_01: She's like, How you doing?
SPEAKER_01: Don't answer.
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, why are you asking me questions if you don't mean to answer?
SPEAKER_01: Don't waste your voice on me.
SPEAKER_01: Because we're in relationship.
SPEAKER_01: What I feel, she feels.
SPEAKER_01: I'll get home after the second service and she'll say, Babe, what do you need?
SPEAKER_01: And I'll make stuff up.
SPEAKER_01: I need some chicken wings.
SPEAKER_01: Because the heat will feel good on my throat.
SPEAKER_01: Now, I will not do that, but I promise you, this is how connected the relationship is.
SPEAKER_01: If I said that, she'd go get it.
SPEAKER_01: Which is deeply humbling.
SPEAKER_01: See, here's the thing I'm trying to get at.
SPEAKER_01: There's an intimacy and a vulnerability to to to a relational style of relating that your kids don't know how to respond to.
SPEAKER_01: They just don't.
SPEAKER_01: And so they'll always try to be transactional because it's it's more familiar.
SPEAKER_01: It just is.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the last thing never allow your children to be self-righteous.
SPEAKER_01: It's the older brother.
SPEAKER_01: You say, What do you mean?
SPEAKER_01: This applies if you have more than one kid.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, self-righteousness is born of comparison.
SPEAKER_01: What my brother's done, what I haven't done.
SPEAKER_01: I love the older brother.
SPEAKER_01: He went and blew all that money on prostitutes.
SPEAKER_01: Where'd you get prostitutes?
SPEAKER_01: Basically, what he's saying is, this is what I'd do if I did that.
SPEAKER_01: Here is how you know that your kids are self-righteous.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, or excuse me.
SPEAKER_01: Here's how you know your kids are not self-righteous.
SPEAKER_01: They can rejoice when their siblings rejoice, and they can weep when their siblings weep.
SPEAKER_01: You are a self-righteous brother or sister.
SPEAKER_01: If your sister is weeping and you're rejoicing, or if they're rejoicing and you're weeping.
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense to anybody but me?
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it's easy.
SPEAKER_01: I see a lot of people.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, it usually comes out in premieral counseling.
SPEAKER_01: We're talking about your family of origin.
SPEAKER_01: If you had an older brother or sister that got off the reservation, you make an agreement that says, I'm gonna be the good kid.
SPEAKER_01: Because my mom and dad had enough of my crazy sister.
SPEAKER_01: Look at her, what Democrat.
SPEAKER_01: And look at me.
SPEAKER_01: Look at me.
SPEAKER_01: You're not really being true to yourself, you're being who you have to be to get the acceptance of your mom and dad.
SPEAKER_01: But that's not who you really are.
SPEAKER_01: And who you really are will come out eventually.
SPEAKER_01: It will.
SPEAKER_01: So again, here's how you know you're self-righteous students.
SPEAKER_01: Or you're not self-righteous.
SPEAKER_01: I don't want you to be.
SPEAKER_01: So let me count you.
SPEAKER_01: Is it, hey, when your brothers and sisters are rejoicing, you're rejoicing.
SPEAKER_01: Oh man, I got a used car, but my brother got a new truck.
SPEAKER_01: Glory to God.
SPEAKER_01: I'm glad, I'm glad God has blessed our family like He has.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, my brother's sad.
SPEAKER_01: He and his girlfriend broke up.
SPEAKER_01: I'm sad too.
SPEAKER_01: You never let your children be self-righteous.
SPEAKER_01: Because self-righteousness is born of comparison, and we want to distinguish ourselves from our siblings.
SPEAKER_01: Your siblings are not your standard.
SPEAKER_01: If you can just get that in your head, it's not enough to say, well, I'm not my brother that went to rehab, or I'm not my sister who made some bad choices.
SPEAKER_01: They're not your standard.
SPEAKER_01: And again, the father calls it all back to a relationship.
SPEAKER_01: He just very simply says, hey, here's the deal.
SPEAKER_01: This son of mine was lost, and now he's found.
SPEAKER_01: He was dead, now he's alive.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the question I'll end with today before I lose all my voice.
SPEAKER_01: Can you rejoice properly for other people?
SPEAKER_01: Because I said it as I was reading it, because it's so blatant to me.
SPEAKER_01: Is that when he asked one of the servants, hey, what's what's going on?
SPEAKER_01: I hear music and dancing.
SPEAKER_01: If you don't have a context for rejoicing, that's a sign of self-righteousness.
SPEAKER_01: Everybody's not doing things, doing what I would do the way I would do it, something's wrong here.
SPEAKER_01: Nothing's wrong here.
SPEAKER_01: Your brother was lost and now he's found.
SPEAKER_01: He was dead, now he's alive.
SPEAKER_01: Can you enter in and rejoice with it?
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely not.
SPEAKER_01: Because this is what you've never done for me.
SPEAKER_01: Here's the last thing I'll point out in the text.
SPEAKER_01: In the very beginning, the Bible says this, and we miss this because it's just easy to read over.
SPEAKER_01: When the younger brother said, Give me the money that is coming to me.
SPEAKER_01: The next verse says, the father divided the property between them.
SPEAKER_01: The older brother got what was coming to him also.
SPEAKER_01: That's why the father says at the end, All I have is yours.
SPEAKER_01: Dude, I've given you everything I have.
SPEAKER_01: What else do you want?
SPEAKER_01: When you're transactional, it's never enough.
SPEAKER_01: Because you always think they're holding out on you.
SPEAKER_01: He's like, dude, everything I have is yours.
SPEAKER_01: Everything.
SPEAKER_01: Come on, let's enjoy the relationship.
SPEAKER_01: They can't enjoy the relationship.
SPEAKER_01: Because self-righteousness keeps you from enjoying the relationship.
SPEAKER_01: Let's pray together.
SPEAKER_01: If you're our guest, we like to teach the Bible.
SPEAKER_01: And then we like to give you some space to think about what it says.
SPEAKER_01: And so questions come on the screen.
SPEAKER_01: We'll discuss those tonight in our community groups.
SPEAKER_01: You can take a picture if you want to, but right now let's just be still and just think about what we heard this morning about big picture parenting.
SPEAKER_01: It applies all on the continuum, whether your kids are two or 22 or 47.
SPEAKER_01: It's the Holy Spirit.
SPEAKER_01: Just brood over us while we think just for a moment.
SPEAKER_01: God, it's easy for us to beat ourselves up when it comes to parenting.
SPEAKER_01: And that's not anybody's agenda today.
SPEAKER_01: Our desire today is that we walk away and go, you know what, I want to think about these things.
SPEAKER_01: I want to parent for the big picture, not just a moment.
SPEAKER_01: We're not trying to manage circumstances.
SPEAKER_01: We're here to shape our kids' character.
SPEAKER_01: And so, Holy Spirit, uh, stir up in us everything necessary for us to think rightly about what your word says to us about this privilege of parenting.
SPEAKER_01: It is the ultimate form of spiritual formation, it is the ultimate expression of discipleship.
SPEAKER_01: And so, Holy Spirit, brood over us as we walk out today, having heard what we've heard.
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for it in Jesus' name, and everyone said.
SPEAKER_01: Amen.
SPEAKER_01: If you're a guest, I want to say thanks for being here.
SPEAKER_01: You're always welcome.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, all we ask of you today is if you would, just text the word welcome.
SPEAKER_01: That number on the screen behind me, it gives us a record of your visit today.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, we'll shoot you back a text.
SPEAKER_01: Uh, we just want to help you take the next step in your spiritual journey, whatever that may be, okay?
SPEAKER_01: If today for all of us, if today's the day you worship God through obedience or generosity when it comes to giving, uh, you can take care of that at the boxes located by the doors or online, like most of us do.
SPEAKER_01: All right.
SPEAKER_01: We always have things going on in the life of our church, like to make you aware of.
SPEAKER_01: We do that by way of our video announcement.
SPEAKER_01: So check out the screen this morning.
SPEAKER_00: Here's what's happening at Grand Parkway Baptist Church.
SPEAKER_00: Our community groups are starting today.
SPEAKER_00: Most groups meet on the first and third Sundays of each month.
SPEAKER_00: So this is the perfect time to join in.
SPEAKER_00: Whether you're looking to connect, grow, or just have a good time, there's a group for you.
SPEAKER_00: Check out the full list of groups on our website to find the one that's right for you.
SPEAKER_00: We are excited to invite you to a free special screening of The Sun of Hope, the story of Possentrop, this Saturday at 3 p.m.
SPEAKER_00: here at Grand Parkway.
SPEAKER_00: This inspirational true story highlights how one family's obedience to care for orphans sparked a powerful movement within their church community.
SPEAKER_00: Popcorn candy and snacks will be provided.
SPEAKER_00: Finally, the blood drive will be on campus January 26th from 12.30 to 3.30 p.m.
SPEAKER_00: inside of the student building.
SPEAKER_00: Every drop counts.
SPEAKER_00: For more information or to register for these events, please visit our website at grandparkway.org.
SPEAKER_00: If you have any questions or want someone to pray for you, find one of our pastors at the front of the stage at the conclusion of our service.
SPEAKER_01: We'd like to conclude our service with a spoken blessing.
SPEAKER_01: So if you would stand to your feet, hold your hands out.
SPEAKER_01: We aren't perfect parents, but you have a perfect father who loves you and forgives you.
SPEAKER_01: And so you're able to love and forgive those that you love and you lead, the ones you parent and the ones you're parented by.
SPEAKER_01: Depart now and remember it's about a relationship.
SPEAKER_01: In the name of the Father and the Son, the Holy Spirit.
SPEAKER_01: Amen.
SPEAKER_01: Bless you.