WEBVTT 00:00:02.799 --> 00:00:06.559 When my race is complete, my lips shall repeat. 00:00:06.719 --> 00:00:08.480 Not I, but Christ in me. 00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:09.919 Amen. 00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:22.320 Let's open up our Bibles tonight, guys, to the book of Ephesians, chapter 5, verse 23, Ephesians 5, 23. 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:25.120 We'll get there in just a minute. 00:00:25.359 --> 00:00:27.760 It's been an honor to be with you, gentlemen. 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:35.039 Got to take out pretty quick tonight, or get out rather pretty quick this evening after I preach, driving back to Austin. 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:36.320 Gonna preach in the morning. 00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:40.079 So just want to say in advance, it's been an honor to be with you guys. 00:00:40.240 --> 00:00:46.320 And so tonight I want to talk about marriage, my marriage, and how to love our wives well biblically. 00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:53.439 If you've been in the church long enough, you've probably heard that it's your responsibility as a husband. 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:55.439 And by the way, we got any single guys in here? 00:00:55.679 --> 00:00:57.119 All right, take notes, guys. 00:00:57.280 --> 00:00:58.079 Take notes. 00:00:58.320 --> 00:00:59.439 It's coming. 00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:07.040 You probably heard it's your responsibility to biblically love and lead your wives. 00:01:07.760 --> 00:01:14.959 But what I've sort of realized is that there's a problem, and the problem is that most of us really don't know how to do that. 00:01:15.359 --> 00:01:23.599 Um we we don't really have a good idea of what it looks like to biblically love and lead our wives, and those that do, sometimes we're not even very good at it. 00:01:23.760 --> 00:01:26.000 And so I want to I want to show you a quick video. 00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:32.319 I think it's just a couple minutes about sort of how difficult it is sometimes to love our wives. 00:01:34.959 --> 00:01:38.239 It's just there's all this pressure, you know? 00:01:38.799 --> 00:01:52.159 And sometimes it feels like it's right up on me, and I can just feel it, like literally feel it in my head, and it's relentless, and I don't know if it's gonna stop. 00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:56.319 I mean, that's the thing that scares me the most, is that I don't know if it's ever gonna stop. 00:01:58.079 --> 00:01:58.719 Yeah. 00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:05.920 Well, you do have a nail in your head. 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:08.080 It is not about the nail. 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:08.960 Are you sure? 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:11.039 Because I mean, I'll bet if we got that out of there. 00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:12.319 Stop trying to fix it. 00:02:12.479 --> 00:02:13.759 No, I'm not trying to fix it. 00:02:13.840 --> 00:02:17.840 I'm just pointing out that maybe the nail is causing- You always do this. 00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:21.439 You always try to fix things when what I really need is for you to just listen. 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:23.680 See, I don't think that is what you need. 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:24.800 I think what you need is to get the nail. 00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:26.080 See, you're not even listening now. 00:02:26.240 --> 00:02:26.719 Okay, fine. 00:02:26.800 --> 00:02:27.280 I will listen. 00:02:27.520 --> 00:02:28.159 Fine. 00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:35.120 It's just sometimes it's like there's this achy. 00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:38.000 I don't know what it is. 00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:40.960 And I'm not sleeping very well at all. 00:02:41.120 --> 00:02:42.800 And all my sweaters are snagged. 00:02:42.879 --> 00:02:44.159 I mean, all of them. 00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:51.280 That sounds really hard. 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:54.960 It's thank you. 00:02:56.879 --> 00:02:57.280 Ow! 00:02:57.759 --> 00:02:58.479 Come on. 00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:04.479 If you would just tell things How many of you ladies have? 00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:09.599 Alright, yeah. 00:03:09.680 --> 00:03:13.680 I mean it's the story of my life right there. 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:17.520 Um just on YouTube. 00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:19.280 It's called it's not about the nail. 00:03:19.360 --> 00:03:20.639 Yeah, go home and show your wife that. 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:22.080 See how that goes. 00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:28.960 So, such a great video. 00:03:29.520 --> 00:03:54.400 You know, and here's the thing, like, for many of us, if if sort of the veil of our private lives were opened up, what what the world might see is that we're we're good businessmen, we're uh we're good leaders, we're good at whatever profession that God has sort of called us to, but but just like this guy, sometimes it's really difficult to be a great husband. 00:03:54.560 --> 00:04:00.639 And a lot, honestly, for for a really long time in my life, that was me, and I don't even think I realized it. 00:04:00.960 --> 00:04:02.400 I know I didn't realize it. 00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:06.400 And and mainly because my passion was the church. 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:13.919 I don't think I would have admitted it, but in a lot of ways, the church and my job in the church had become my mistress. 00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:20.240 And I was pretty much putting my God-given responsibility to love and lead my wife just on cruise control. 00:04:20.720 --> 00:04:28.560 And um sorry, and uh for the first 11 years of our marriage, I had no idea that there was a problem. 00:04:28.959 --> 00:04:33.199 Um, if if you would have asked me, I would have thought, I would have told you that I'm killing it. 00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:38.480 And we've been married 23 years now, so kind of a crisis happened about year 11. 00:04:38.639 --> 00:04:40.079 I would have told you everything was okay. 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:43.519 Jennifer is my wife Jennifer is an incredibly godly woman. 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:45.600 She loves Jesus. 00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:50.720 And so, you know, we very rarely argued, almost never, in the first 11 years. 00:04:50.879 --> 00:05:02.240 So she had such a strong walk with Jesus that she kind of did her thing with Jesus, and I sort of did my thing with Jesus, and so um she was great, or at least I thought she was. 00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:07.839 And so I I I pretty much, I mean, you would ask me guys, I thought, I'm I'm the husband of the decade. 00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:09.360 I mean, I'm we never argue. 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:16.800 She seems to be so healthy, and that's how things were until one day, year 11, she sat me down. 00:05:17.199 --> 00:05:20.160 And sat me down on the bed, said we need to talk. 00:05:20.480 --> 00:05:31.279 She was crying, and um, and she looked at me, and I I actually wrote down later on in a journal everything she said to me because I wanted to remember it. 00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:34.240 She looked at me and she said, I want you to know something, Matt. 00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:43.759 I love you, and I love Jesus too much to ever leave you, but I want you to know something that that that I'm not good in this marriage. 00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:46.639 And and it's not working. 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:48.399 And here's what she said. 00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:58.240 She said, She said, I feel like you're here with me physically, but I don't feel like that you're here with me emotionally and spiritually. 00:05:59.279 --> 00:06:01.920 She said, Um, she said, you feel distant. 00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:05.600 She said, I don't feel pursued by you. 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:09.040 She said, I don't feel cherished by you. 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:16.240 She said, when we were dating, you you pursued me, but then we got married and you planted the church and you stopped. 00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:19.600 She said, I feel like you're interested in everybody but me. 00:06:19.839 --> 00:06:26.240 She said, I feel like you're interested in everybody's walk with Jesus as a pastor, but mine. 00:06:27.040 --> 00:06:29.279 She said, I'm just I'm not doing okay. 00:06:29.680 --> 00:06:35.120 And then she told me a story that um, man, it got my attention. 00:06:36.560 --> 00:07:14.639 She uh she said that that Sunday she was at church, and our kids were little at the time, and and um, and so you know, I'm I'm at church, I've been preaching, I'm doing my thing, I'm greeting everybody after the service, and she had to get the kids to the car by herself, and she was she's got two um little ones and one in a stroller, and she was just having trouble getting them all corralled and getting in the in the car, and some guy came up to her, and he probably realized that that was my wife and just wanted to help her out, and he sort of just helped her get the kids in the car and and sort of just opened the door while she got in and said thanks and closed the door, and that was it. 00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:17.519 And she looked at me and she made the statement again. 00:07:17.600 --> 00:07:34.720 She goes, Matt, I I love Jesus too much to ever divorce you or to ever leave you, but I need you to know how good it felt for simply for a man to pay attention to me, and that got my attention. 00:07:35.040 --> 00:07:35.680 Amen. 00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:45.600 And I kind of woke up to the fact that there was more to this being a husband thing than I realized. 00:07:46.240 --> 00:08:05.279 And at the same time, I was counseling a few couples that were walking through a divorce or were trying to decide if they were gonna have a divorce, and and and the three couples at the time were because the women was the woman was having an affair, which I'm seeing more and more of, by the way. 00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:13.519 And during counseling, all three of the women basically said something to the equivalent of this, real similar things. 00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:22.399 The the woman that had committed affair, almost every time at some point in the counseling, would point at her husband and say, He's the one that I actually love. 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:25.600 He's the one that I love. 00:08:26.079 --> 00:08:29.040 But then she'd say something like, But he's just so distant. 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:35.039 And he's so into his work, or he's so into whatever hobby that he's into. 00:08:35.279 --> 00:08:48.080 And then she'd say something like, He doesn't pursue me anymore, he doesn't cherish me, he doesn't communicate to me about how he feels, and then inevitably the next thing out of her mouth would be, but there was this guy at work who did. 00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:55.840 And then one thing led to another, and dot dot dot, you know the rest of the story. 00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:02.000 And I remember about the third time I heard this, and my wife had said the basically the same thing. 00:09:02.240 --> 00:09:08.159 I'm like, what is the deal with this pursuing cherishing thing that women keep talking about? 00:09:08.320 --> 00:09:09.679 What is going on? 00:09:10.399 --> 00:09:18.639 And that was about the same time, this was this was about the same time as that movie and book series came out called Twilight. 00:09:18.720 --> 00:09:20.080 Do y'all remember that? 00:09:20.399 --> 00:09:29.120 Twilight, it was um, if you don't know what Twilight is, if you don't, just thank Jesus that you don't because it's garbage, it's satanic. 00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:33.519 But it's a story of a vampire that falls in love with a woman. 00:09:33.759 --> 00:09:35.200 And and here's the thing. 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:38.320 I mean, bottom line, I'm gonna sum it up for you really quickly. 00:09:38.559 --> 00:09:41.039 Every woman in America read that book. 00:09:41.279 --> 00:09:45.840 I mean, every woman from 10 years old to 90 till death, they had read the book. 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:48.399 My wife is not a voracious reader. 00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:55.600 And um, and I asked her to, I was like, can you go buy the book and see what it's about and just read it? 00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:58.480 She read all three in two weeks. 00:09:58.960 --> 00:10:11.679 And to give you a concept about how many women were reading this book, and in the year 2008 to 2009 alone, that is in one year, 51 million copies were sold in the United States alone. 00:10:12.320 --> 00:10:14.639 And that's not counting worldwide, that's just in America. 00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:16.000 That's one year. 00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:21.919 And so, and I, you know, so every woman in America is reading this book series. 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:23.360 I'm like, what is going on? 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:34.399 I walked through the office one day, and there's a group of about six girls that were on staff, and they were sitting around talking about Twilight and how they were all reading it, and I stopped and I just asked them and I said, Hey, I was like, What's the deal? 00:10:34.639 --> 00:10:37.360 Why, why is every woman in the world reading this book? 00:10:37.519 --> 00:10:39.519 My wife just read all of them in three days. 00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:40.559 Y'all are talking about it. 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:41.440 What's the big deal? 00:10:41.600 --> 00:10:50.320 And I kid you not, one of the girls looked at me and she said, Matt, the reason every woman in America is reading this is because Edward, which is the name of the vampire, she said this. 00:10:50.480 --> 00:10:53.279 She goes, Because Edward is the perfect man. 00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:56.879 And I looked at her and I was like, What do you mean he's the perfect man? 00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:58.879 He's an albino vampire. 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:01.200 How is he the perfect man? 00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:02.159 And this is what she said. 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:08.720 Well, she said the main character, who's this girl, I can't remember her name or whatever, said Edward is just so into her. 00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:12.240 He he's just he just uh what did she say? 00:11:12.399 --> 00:11:13.120 So into her. 00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:15.039 He just cherishes her. 00:11:15.519 --> 00:11:17.039 He just pursues her. 00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:18.960 I'm like, there it is again. 00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:32.080 On the same day, kid you not, same day I read an article from USA Today, and it was on the success of Twilight and why it had swept the nation in such a way, and every woman in the country was reading it. 00:11:32.159 --> 00:11:34.639 And here's a direct quote from this article. 00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:36.080 Check this out. 00:11:36.799 --> 00:11:50.000 It says, the success of Twilight is a testament to the failure of the American marriage and men's inability to understand and meet the deep needs of a woman's heart. 00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:52.639 I'm gonna read that again. 00:11:53.279 --> 00:12:02.320 The success of Twilight is a testament to the failure of the American marriage and men's inability to understand and meet the deep needs of a woman's heart. 00:12:02.639 --> 00:12:07.919 Every woman in America is reading it, and the thesis is that that's because we stink, right? 00:12:08.320 --> 00:12:11.360 I got a wife saying you're not pursuing and cherishing me. 00:12:11.440 --> 00:12:15.279 I got women having affairs in my church because their husbands aren't pursuing and cherishing me. 00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:20.720 And I got women all over the church reading a book about a vampire because he pursues and cherishes a girl. 00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:41.200 And but here's the point there's something to be learned from all that, and that's this that man, there's a deep need in the soul of your wife to be pursued and to be cherished and to be loved and to be pointed to Jesus by the man that God has placed in her life. 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:46.480 And if you don't believe me that she has that need, go ask her tonight. 00:12:47.360 --> 00:12:48.159 See what she says. 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:51.679 Do you want me to pursue you and cherish you and point you to Jesus? 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:53.360 Just ask her, see what she says. 00:12:53.840 --> 00:13:02.399 Well, the good news today is that the Bible actually gives us some pretty good um some pretty good ideas about what this is sort of supposed to look like. 00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:03.519 And so let's look quickly. 00:13:03.679 --> 00:13:05.279 Ephesians 5.23. 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:17.519 Paul says, for the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and himself its savior. 00:13:18.240 --> 00:13:23.679 Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:26.559 Now he begins to speak to us. 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:31.519 He says, Husbands, love your wife. 00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:33.919 Now you all know this verse, but tune into it. 00:13:34.799 --> 00:13:40.559 Husbands, love, that's an action, love your wives. 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:46.000 As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:55.600 So the first commandment that verse 25 tells us, he says, husbands, you need to love agape your wife. 00:13:56.159 --> 00:13:57.600 And then he goes on. 00:13:57.840 --> 00:14:01.200 He tells us how we're supposed to love our wives, because that begs a question. 00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:05.120 The Bible says you've got to love your wife, you gotta raise your hand and go, okay, how am I supposed to love my wife? 00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:09.919 He tells us, he says, love your wife in the way that Christ loved the church. 00:14:10.080 --> 00:14:11.919 Now that begs another question. 00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:17.360 Okay, if I'm supposed to love my wife in the way that Christ loved the church, how did Jesus love the church? 00:14:17.600 --> 00:14:19.600 Well, there's countless ways. 00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:25.519 That Jesus loved the church, but there's one that stands out to me, and that Jesus loved us the church. 00:14:25.600 --> 00:14:28.639 And hear this, he loved us first. 00:14:29.440 --> 00:14:30.879 He loved us first. 00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:32.240 Write that down. 00:14:32.399 --> 00:14:33.679 He loved us first. 00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:38.240 When we were still in our sin, when we were broken, when we were in our dysfunction. 00:14:38.480 --> 00:14:45.440 He didn't sort of fold his arms back in heaven and look down at us and say, Hey, get your stuff together, and then maybe I'll love you. 00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:50.399 The scripture says that he came to us and he died for us even in the midst of our sin. 00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:53.120 Jesus came to us and loved us first. 00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:57.360 That's why 1 John 4.9 says, We love because what? 00:14:57.759 --> 00:14:59.840 He first loved us. 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:04.960 In the first 10 years of my marriage, I was doing the opposite of that. 00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:07.600 I realized I was doing the opposite of that. 00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:13.919 My attitude, I don't know if I would have ever said it, but my attitude was, Jennifer, I need you to love me. 00:15:14.159 --> 00:15:18.960 And I need you to pursue me, and I need you to meet my needs, and I need you to act the way I want you to do. 00:15:19.039 --> 00:15:21.120 And again, I would have never said that, but that's what I was doing. 00:15:21.200 --> 00:15:22.159 That was the attitude. 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:30.639 And if you'll do those things, if you'll make me happy, meet my needs, then I'll pursue and cherish and love you. 00:15:30.720 --> 00:15:34.080 But that's literally the opposite of how Jesus loves the church. 00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:38.240 He says, we love because he took the first step. 00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:42.399 We love because he pursued us and cherished us first. 00:15:42.960 --> 00:15:48.320 And so, men, step one, that is our calling, is to love our wives that way. 00:15:48.879 --> 00:15:57.360 Which means that no matter what she's doing, no matter how she's acting, no matter what whether she deserves it or not, you love her and you love her first. 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:01.200 That's what it means to love your wife like Christ, love the church. 00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:03.440 Even if you don't get anything in return. 00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:07.360 And um, you know, some of the practical ways I've sort of found to do this. 00:16:07.440 --> 00:16:10.000 Years ago, there was a book that came out called The Five Love Languages. 00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:11.679 Some of y'all may have heard of that. 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:19.679 And the basic idea of the book is that there's five ways that all of us receive love and give love. 00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:28.559 So, you know, in other words, if someone does this thing for you, if that's your love language, then you really feel ministered to and loved. 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:31.679 And that's and these are the five ways you can show other people love. 00:16:31.759 --> 00:16:33.519 They're acts of service. 00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:40.879 You serve your wife in some capacity, um, and she feels cherished and loved and pursued. 00:16:41.039 --> 00:16:42.720 Um, second is gifts. 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:50.080 Some people, um, you can just give them a gift, a meaningful gift, and that really they feel cherished and loved and pursued. 00:16:50.240 --> 00:16:53.360 Um, physical touch, hold their hand, put your arm around them. 00:16:53.519 --> 00:16:55.840 Um, people receive and give love that way. 00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:57.840 That's their love language, physical touch. 00:16:58.000 --> 00:17:00.639 Uh four, words of affirmation. 00:17:01.279 --> 00:17:08.799 You speak value to them, you say something kind to them, you point out what they're good at and what you value about them. 00:17:08.880 --> 00:17:10.400 It's words of affirmation. 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:12.160 And then quality time. 00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:18.319 That's when you're not just together, but you're spending time connecting quality time. 00:17:18.400 --> 00:17:19.440 That's the fifth level language. 00:17:19.599 --> 00:17:30.079 And the trick, guys, and this is huge, the trick is to discover the way that your wife receives love and then love her that way and do it first. 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:31.920 That's that's the trick. 00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:45.440 Now, my problem was for years, is that I would try to show my wife love, but I would I would I would show her love in a way that she wouldn't receive it, and and it really didn't minister to, and she didn't really cherish and pursued. 00:17:45.519 --> 00:17:51.599 I have buddies that their wives, their love language is gifts, which to me sounds incredibly easy. 00:17:51.839 --> 00:17:55.680 You just go buy your wife something, and she's like, oh, and she feels so loved and pursued. 00:17:55.839 --> 00:17:59.039 And so I'd see that happen in some of my buddies' lives, and I'm thinking I can do that. 00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:02.160 So I'd get my wife flowers and stuff, and she would appreciate it. 00:18:02.319 --> 00:18:08.319 She she would really like them, but she it didn't really move her heart, if that makes sense. 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:16.559 And I had um, I have one buddy, we're talking about this one day, and he said, My wife's love language is acts of service. 00:18:16.799 --> 00:18:24.640 He said, Man, if I will just get up and do the dishes after dinner, it's like guaranteed sex every single time. 00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:29.200 And I'm thinking to myself, I can do the dishes. 00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:30.960 I can do the dishes. 00:18:31.119 --> 00:18:32.160 That's easy, man. 00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:33.519 That's an easy trade-off. 00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:38.000 And so, sure, I mean, that evening, I cooked dinner. 00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:38.640 I did. 00:18:38.799 --> 00:18:40.480 I cooked dinner because I got skills. 00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:46.319 I cooked dinner, and then and then after dinner, she stands up and I'm like, no, no, no, sit down. 00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:48.799 And I got up and I did the dishes. 00:18:48.880 --> 00:18:54.400 I cleaned them, put them away, got the kitchen clean, everything, and I'm kind of looking around, looking at her, like, here we go. 00:18:56.880 --> 00:19:03.119 True story, she she looks at me, she goes, Matt, thank you so much for doing the dishes, and she walked off. 00:19:05.359 --> 00:19:06.480 I'm like, what? 00:19:07.839 --> 00:19:13.279 Because, you know, like I say, she appreciated it, but really didn't meet the deep needs of her heart. 00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:15.039 Now, why is that happening? 00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:22.319 And and the answer is pretty simple, because her love language, unfortunately, is quality time and words of affirmation. 00:19:23.440 --> 00:19:25.839 Yes, quality time and words of affirmation. 00:19:26.000 --> 00:19:39.599 So if I like, take the time to write her a note, if I write her a handwritten note for whatever reason, just speak value to her, man, it melts her heart. 00:19:39.759 --> 00:19:42.079 She feels so valued, so loved, so cherished. 00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:44.160 She's kept every note I've ever given her. 00:19:44.400 --> 00:19:52.079 If I take the time to just say, hey, today, I want you to, I want you to know that I noticed the way that you handled uh Sammy and you stood that so well. 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:52.720 Thank you so much. 00:19:52.799 --> 00:19:53.839 You're an incredible mother. 00:19:53.920 --> 00:19:56.799 That she feels so loved by that. 00:19:57.039 --> 00:20:00.720 Especially if I talk about her relationship with Jesus. 00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:02.640 Her others, quality time. 00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:28.720 So at night, if I'd actually, you know, it's one thing to be with her and be watching TV, but it's something altogether different to actually turn off the TV and to look at each other and to talk to her, and more importantly, to listen to her and to ask her questions about her day, to ask her questions about how her walk with Christ is going and her friendships, and she just feels so deeply pursued and cherished by that. 00:20:28.799 --> 00:20:30.559 It deeply ministers to her. 00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:32.160 But here's the problem, guys. 00:20:32.240 --> 00:20:32.880 Guess what? 00:20:33.119 --> 00:20:34.480 I hate writing notes. 00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:36.240 I don't like writing notes. 00:20:36.480 --> 00:20:37.440 And here's something else. 00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:39.920 Like, guys, I I am an introvert. 00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:41.200 I hate talking. 00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:43.759 And then I'm I have a job that that's what I do. 00:20:43.839 --> 00:20:46.079 I don't know if y'all noticed, but I talk for a living. 00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:52.079 And so the la I mean, the last thing I want to do when I come home is to like talk. 00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:55.920 I don't want to do that, but but here's the thing I do it. 00:20:56.240 --> 00:20:57.039 I do it. 00:20:57.279 --> 00:20:57.599 Why? 00:20:57.759 --> 00:20:59.599 Because I love that woman. 00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:08.799 And I want her to know, and I want her to feel, and I want her to experience that I love her, and that is what I do. 00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:12.319 And I do it often because I want to love her like Christ loved the church. 00:21:12.480 --> 00:21:14.720 Okay, so let's look at Ephesians 5.25. 00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:16.559 We'll get the second part of the verse there. 00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:26.559 He says, Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. 00:21:27.519 --> 00:21:37.519 So one of the ways that Jesus loved the church, the scripture says, was that he gave himself up for his bride to minister and to love his bride. 00:21:37.759 --> 00:21:51.200 Now that's gonna look differently for every single one of us in the room, but there are probably gonna be things that we have to give up and that we have to lay down in order for our wives to experience our love. 00:21:51.599 --> 00:21:56.319 Okay, for me, I've talked, I've talked a lot about that this morning was personal purity. 00:21:57.039 --> 00:22:08.720 Um, not only do I want to walk in integrity, because I'm a Christ follower and a pastor, but I want to walk in integrity so that she absolutely knows I'm a one-woman man. 00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:11.039 Her father cheated on her mother. 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:18.160 And I want her to feel and experience that I love her in that way, that she can trust me and that I'm going to honor her in that. 00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:23.920 And so that's meant there have been some things that I've had to give up and walk away from over the years. 00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:26.559 I very, very rarely, never travel alone. 00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:30.480 If I'm outside of Texas, I always have my assistant with me, who's a guy. 00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:31.599 I just don't travel alone. 00:22:31.839 --> 00:22:36.240 Seeing too many guys taken out on business trips because they were alone. 00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:40.640 I have protective software on my computer and my phone. 00:22:40.799 --> 00:22:44.559 I have passwords on the television that blocks content. 00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:47.680 She's the only one that has the password. 00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:51.200 I um I give her access to my email. 00:22:51.279 --> 00:22:52.559 I give her access to my phone. 00:22:52.720 --> 00:22:54.720 I give her access to my social media accounts. 00:22:54.880 --> 00:22:56.160 She has the passwords to those. 00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:02.079 And again, because I want her to feel and experience that my eyes and my body are only for her. 00:23:02.240 --> 00:23:05.759 And you go, and a lot of guys hear that and they go, Matt, that's kind of excessive. 00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:10.880 But where I'm at, man, is maybe it's time we got a little excessive when it comes to personal purity. 00:23:11.839 --> 00:23:15.039 We've we've got a little excessive the other way. 00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:20.720 And maybe it's time that if we need to for our wives, we lay that stuff down. 00:23:24.880 --> 00:23:27.519 Guys, I gave up alcohol for her. 00:23:28.400 --> 00:23:38.000 And and I we some of us might have different views on drinking, and I I'm a pastor, and so I'm not supposed to be a man of much strong drink, so I wasn't. 00:23:38.240 --> 00:23:40.640 But I'd have a beer every once in a while. 00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:51.680 And one time I had had a beer, and we got into an argument, and the beer didn't even affect me at all, but she blamed the fact that I'd had a beer. 00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:53.920 And I quit drinking. 00:23:54.160 --> 00:24:02.400 I just quit because I don't want to ever be in a situation where anything that I'm doing is keeping me from loving her well. 00:24:02.720 --> 00:24:09.119 One area that I've had to lay down myself for her to show her that I love her is in the area of conflict. 00:24:09.519 --> 00:24:12.880 For years I had an anger problem, talked about it a little this morning. 00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:18.559 And just this idea of being kind to my wife has been massive. 00:24:18.720 --> 00:24:23.759 And I want to give you a verse that was really helpful for me to learn how to walk in kindness. 00:24:23.839 --> 00:24:26.079 Because there are going to be times when she upsets you. 00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:29.119 How do you walk in kindness in those times? 00:24:29.440 --> 00:24:31.279 1 Peter 2.21. 00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:33.920 1 Peter 2.21. 00:24:35.599 --> 00:24:37.519 Such a powerful verse. 00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:41.839 Peter says, For to this you have been called. 00:24:42.079 --> 00:24:44.640 So if you're Christ's follower, you've been called to this. 00:24:45.119 --> 00:24:52.880 It says, Because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example so that you might follow in his steps. 00:24:53.039 --> 00:25:02.720 And so what Peter is saying is that when Christ suffered for us, he gave us an example of how to suffer so that we could follow in his steps. 00:25:02.880 --> 00:25:05.920 Now, what is the example that Jesus gave us when he was suffering? 00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:07.039 How we can follow him. 00:25:07.279 --> 00:25:10.480 In verse 22, it says, He committed no sin. 00:25:11.359 --> 00:25:13.200 Neither was deceit found in his mouth. 00:25:13.279 --> 00:25:19.519 And so when he's suffering on the cross, he never sinned, he never there was no deceit in his mouth. 00:25:19.599 --> 00:25:24.960 And he goes on, when he was reviled, he did not revile in return. 00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:28.880 When he suffered, he did not threaten. 00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:30.559 And here's the key. 00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:36.319 He says, but continued in trusting himself to him who judges justly. 00:25:36.720 --> 00:25:40.640 When Jesus was on the cross, he committed no sin, there was no deceit found in his mouth. 00:25:40.720 --> 00:25:43.599 When he was being reviled, he never reviled in return. 00:25:43.759 --> 00:25:45.839 When he was suffering, he never threatened. 00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:52.480 And the reason he was able to do that is because he kept trusting that there was a God in heaven that was going to judge the whole thing rightly. 00:25:52.799 --> 00:25:54.240 That's the key. 00:25:55.119 --> 00:25:58.880 When your wife is not treating you the way that you think she ought to treat you, what do you do? 00:25:59.119 --> 00:25:59.759 You love. 00:26:01.200 --> 00:26:06.319 When your wife is being contentious or she's insulting you or not respecting you, what do you do? 00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:07.279 You love. 00:26:08.319 --> 00:26:12.160 When she's not serving you, she's not taking care of your physical needs, what do you do? 00:26:12.400 --> 00:26:13.039 You love. 00:26:13.839 --> 00:26:19.200 Now, does that mean you never speak truth to your wife or gently correct your wife? 00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:20.400 No, that's not what that means. 00:26:20.480 --> 00:26:25.759 But what it means is that in conflict, men, you take the initiative to be the peacemaker. 00:26:26.400 --> 00:26:28.079 That's what Jesus did. 00:26:28.400 --> 00:26:37.440 That when things like the volume of voices and the harshness of words begin to escalate, you be the one to de-escalate. 00:26:38.559 --> 00:26:40.079 That's what Jesus did. 00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:50.880 As leaders and as men, we don't throw putches, we take punches, and we turn the other cheek, and when we do, we sure look a whole lot like Jesus. 00:26:51.519 --> 00:26:54.160 Okay, now so let's look at the last part of the verse here. 00:26:55.119 --> 00:26:56.720 Verse 525. 00:26:58.079 --> 00:27:04.160 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her. 00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:05.599 Now watch what he says. 00:27:05.839 --> 00:27:21.839 That he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:36.880 And so what the scripture just said is that the number one thing, or rather this, the the number one man that God intends to use in the sanctification process of your wife is you. 00:27:38.880 --> 00:27:50.079 The number one person, apart from Christ himself, but the number one person that God intends to use in the sanctification process of your wife is you. 00:27:53.920 --> 00:27:56.960 Doesn't tell Beth Moore to sanctify your wife. 00:27:57.279 --> 00:27:59.039 It's not Neil McClendon. 00:27:59.759 --> 00:28:08.319 Yes, he's your pastor, and that's key, but Neil McClendon ought not to be the number one man that's in the process of washing his wife in the water of the word. 00:28:09.839 --> 00:28:17.039 I think what that verse means is that as husbands, we need to care about and be concerned about things like our wife's prayer life. 00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:22.400 When's the last time you asked your wife about her prayer life and how that's going? 00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:26.720 I think it means that we care about our wives' devotional life. 00:28:26.799 --> 00:28:31.279 Not only are we walking with Jesus, but we care about if our wife's walking with Jesus. 00:28:31.599 --> 00:28:34.799 Is she growing in the knowledge of the Lord? 00:28:35.119 --> 00:28:38.079 I mean, do you even know what she's studying right now? 00:28:38.960 --> 00:28:40.559 Do you know what she's walking through? 00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:43.119 Do you know your wife's spiritual gift? 00:28:43.759 --> 00:28:45.359 Do you know your wife's spiritual gift? 00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:53.279 And are you creating an environment and encouraging her to use that spiritual gift to build up the body of Christ in the church? 00:28:53.680 --> 00:28:55.279 Guys, check this out. 00:28:55.920 --> 00:29:01.200 What sort of hit me a long time ago is that way, hear this, don't miss this. 00:29:01.839 --> 00:29:08.240 Way too many women out there are widows spiritually. 00:29:09.680 --> 00:29:11.440 They're spiritual widows. 00:29:11.599 --> 00:29:17.200 You're still alive, but when it comes to their walk with Jesus, they are all alone. 00:29:18.559 --> 00:29:41.359 And Paul says, Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, have her cleansing, cleanse to her by the washing of the water of words, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 00:29:42.400 --> 00:29:43.680 You know, I'll end with this. 00:29:43.839 --> 00:29:53.359 I as a man now that Jennifer are on the other side of that, and I'm so thankful she stuck it out with me, and I stuck it out with her. 00:29:55.039 --> 00:29:59.200 I realize now that I have I have two main goals in my life. 00:29:59.759 --> 00:30:04.720 And these weren't always my two goals, but they really are now. 00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:24.559 And the number one, not necessarily in this order, but goal number one is when I die and I'm laying there in that casket in the church, I want my children to be able to stand over my casket and say that was the godliest man I ever knew. 00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:29.039 I want them to be able to say that. 00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:43.039 And the other thing, my second goal in my life, is at the end of my life, as my wife stands over my casket, I want her to be able to say that if given the chance, she would marry me all over again. 00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:49.920 I figure if I've done those two things, then I've been a success in my life. 00:30:51.359 --> 00:30:56.400 Heard of Jonathan Edwards, who was a famous American theologian. 00:30:57.440 --> 00:31:03.680 And probably one of the smartest men alive at his time in the 1700s. 00:31:03.839 --> 00:31:05.119 He was an incredible preacher. 00:31:05.279 --> 00:31:09.119 His preaching sort of ushered in revival in the United States. 00:31:09.359 --> 00:31:10.400 He died suddenly. 00:31:10.480 --> 00:31:13.039 I think he was in his 50s, far too young. 00:31:13.759 --> 00:31:24.960 And at his death, when he passed away, Jonathan Edwards' wife wrote a letter to her daughter, Lucy, about her husband. 00:31:25.839 --> 00:31:27.200 And this is what she said. 00:31:28.240 --> 00:31:31.680 It's an incredible picture of a woman that has been loved well. 00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:36.319 It's an incredible picture of a woman that's been washed with the water of the word. 00:31:37.279 --> 00:31:40.400 And walked with a man that laid down his life for her. 00:31:40.640 --> 00:31:45.119 She wrote, Oh, my very dear child, what shall I say? 00:31:46.640 --> 00:31:50.640 Holy and good God has covered us with a dark cloud. 00:31:52.240 --> 00:31:59.839 Oh, that we may all kiss the rod and lay our hands on our mouths, for the Lord has been the one to do this. 00:32:00.240 --> 00:32:05.359 And he has made me adore his goodness that we had your father so long. 00:32:06.079 --> 00:32:10.480 But my God lives and God has my heart. 00:32:10.720 --> 00:32:15.920 And oh, what a legacy my husband and your father has left us. 00:32:16.079 --> 00:32:17.039 I love that. 00:32:17.519 --> 00:32:23.599 Oh, what a legacy your father and my husband has left us. 00:32:23.920 --> 00:32:31.839 Gentlemen, who among us at the end of our lives would not want our wives to say that about us? 00:32:32.799 --> 00:32:38.000 Oh, what a legacy your father and my husband has left for us. 00:32:38.319 --> 00:32:42.559 Let's be men that our wives can say that about us at the end of our lives. 00:32:42.720 --> 00:32:43.279 Alright? 00:32:43.519 --> 00:32:44.799 Let's pray together. 00:32:52.480 --> 00:32:56.400 With your heads bowed and your eyes closed, I don't want you to run past this too quickly. 00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:12.000 There may be someone here tonight that you have no idea how to love your wife like Christ loved the church because you've never received the love of Christ. 00:33:13.440 --> 00:33:22.319 Man, if you're here this week and it just sort of hits you that I, man, I've been walking in this thing called religion and I've never believed in the gospel. 00:33:23.119 --> 00:33:27.440 Would you go find Neil or would you find one of the pastors here and would you talk to him? 00:33:29.440 --> 00:33:34.079