Ep 93 Career: Why you have to build and maintain a personal support system.

You face a lot of challenges in your career, and having a good support system can make getting through them a lot easier. But we all battle insecurity, have less support as we grow our career, experience compassion fatigue, and so much more. In this episode, we will look at why we struggle to keep a support system through our career, the 4 parts of a good support system, and how you can start building one that can help you.

SHOW NOTES:
http://thecrazy1.com/episode93
 
FOLLOW THE CRAZY ONE:
Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook 

Transcript

Stephen Gates : 0:00

What's going on everybody and welcome to the 93rd episode of the crazy one podcast. As always, I'm your host, Stephen Gates and this is the show where we help you become more creative, become a better leader, create more innovative work, grow a stronger career, and a whole lot more. Now as always, be sure to hit the subscribe button on your favorite podcast platform to get the latest episodes whenever those come out. And you know what, do me a favor whenever you're there, take just a couple seconds and hit those stars and let people know what you think about the show. You can listen to the shows, get the show notes, even get some crazy one propaganda, just head over to the crazy one calm. That's the crazy and the number one calm. If you got any questions or like you know what, you just want to kind of keep up with my adventure, see what's been going on or just kind of get more content like this. Feel free. You can follow me on Twitter, Instagram or LinkedIn. Now, if you're listening to the show as it's released, then this is one of those times where it's kind of like just after the holidays, right? It's that sort of mid end of January. And that got me thinking because pretty much everybody I've talked to over the last couple of weeks, we'll tell you about like, you know how they had this good break? How are they able to recharge themselves, they were able to kind of get back in touch with with who they are. Now, why do we do this? Right? Like, why does it take this forced break for us to be able to do this? And honestly, why am I so guilty of it too, because on the surface, we think, you know, the holidays give us this time with friends and family. But it's more than that, right? It gives us this mental and emotional break, and, and really a support system with time for us to take care of ourselves. And, you know, that is an incredibly rare thing. I was reminded of it again just last week, because I spent a few days in California. Every year the Bureau of digital puts on this design Leadership Camp. And it's where we get together like this small group of design leaders and we just sit around and talk about the stresses, the challenges, like all the things that go into being in that position. And I think this is something I struggle with all the time. And I never really realized how much I need a break, or I need that support until like a couple things happen, like until you have some time off until you're around some people that you can be open and honest with or until you absolutely just kind of feel like you're about to lose your shit, right? Because you're just under so much stress that you just aren't sure what you can do. And I think you know what look like in past episodes, I want to be honest about my journey through this subject here as well in this episode, because look it to me, it only seems right I keep asking you all. To be honest, I keep asking you to be self reflective. And it just feels so hypocritical if I don't do the same. So in this episode, I want to dig in to why do we struggle to either get or keep or support system? What are the four things that you should be looking for? Those are the four things that should make up a really good support system. And then lastly, How the hell do we actually start to build a useful or a good one. And also, if you listen to the show, I want you to do something a little bit different, right? Because I want you to actually make sure you listen all the way to the end, because I want to propose something a little bit new. And I want to see if there's something you're interested in, because I have this idea about sort of creating a bit of a community around this, about being able to make this more of a conversation than what this is. But stay tuned to the end. And we're going to talk about that a little bit more. And, you know, the interesting thing is, as I started to dig into this with my friends with people, I coach, and even if it's something that I've been thinking about myself, I realize

Unknown Speaker : 3:43

just how bad

Stephen Gates : 3:44

we are at creating and maintaining these support systems. And whenever I've asked people why they don't do it more, why is it something that they don't turn to you, you tend to sort of hear some pretty consistent answers, and I'm These are ones that you probably said as well, you start to hear things like I don't have time. You know, whenever I have a problem, I know I should talk to somebody, but I don't know what to say. It's been so long since I've talked to you know, my friends or those people who are who are in that system. And I and whenever we come back, you know, I don't want to start with this. It's gonna be awkward, they're too busy. I don't want to intrude on their life, right? Like, there are all these things that we're really good at sort of convincing ourselves why it's just going to be easier to kind of go on and do it ourselves. But I think as I talked to a lot of creatives, there's just a lot of stuff in this creative condition that we all share. And the simplest and the first one is that look, we are all crazy busy. The people we turn to maybe spread out all over the world. They are slammed with work. We are slammed with work. There are tons of The things going on in our lives. And it's, you know, honestly, it's easy to see why we put ourselves second and why we lose touch with what's going on and why we sort of lose these support systems. But I think also, and I've talked about this in the past, right? I think being creative is this sort of cruel relationship. Because, you know, like, in my instance, I got into this industry to be a designer. That's what I love, right? Like, that's what I wanted to do. And yet, the longer I've been in this industry, the less I'm able to do it, the more I have to fight and I mean, fight, to find the time to really be able to do this stuff. Well, but another thing really happens is that I think as you go on in your career, you just almost seem to naturally get less support. Because you know, as you move up, as you get more responsibility, you become a leader you like whatever that position is. You start to run in To these barriers, barriers, like you can't share your problems with your team, because you're gonna freak them out, right? Like that's in a leader. People want somebody who has the answers. People want somebody who knows what direction we're going. If all of a sudden you come in and you're like, wow, I'm a mess, I'm dealing with all these problems, people tend to freak out. You know, you don't, you don't want to share or be vulnerable, in many cases, with your boss for fear of being seen as you're not good at your job. I think you can share with your friends, your significant others, but in many cases, I think they'll give you empathy, but whenever it comes to your professional life and your creativity, you tend to not really be able to find many real answers. And I think especially it can start to become a drain on those people. Like I said, well, they can try to be helpful, but I think even they sort of feel lost as to what to do. You know, you have a good job, you know, especially as you become more successful, you're getting to that place where you always wanted to be and whenever you do that, you start to network less you reach out last because you just don't feel like you have have as much to prove as you did before. I think you can read books and you listen to podcasts and even this one right. And I think that's one of the things even I try to fight in the creation of this is that they contend to be so generic that they don't really help since you have to figure out how to apply that information effectively in into your life into what it is you're struggling with. And I think all this adds up to getting closed off from support and actionable advice, because that's just one of those things that that happens with a lot of us and it also happens because and we've talked about this in the past, creativity just comes with this built in, ready made insecurity, right? Every creative is insecure and not sure if what we're doing is right. It's not sure if what we're putting out there anybody's really gonna want and I think coupling that fact with the fact that we don't see anyone else who is going through what we do error that anybody we can sort of directly copy means that that inspiration Dirty, overgrown, he only grows and I think that keeps us from asking for help or saying that we are struggling, like I said, and often until it's too late. And that's where, you know, I think this is another byproduct or side effect of that design imposter syndrome and of this insecurity, just because we don't know what to do. And I think another one of the things, as I've thought about this is, as I spent time on Twitter, as I spent time on LinkedIn, I think, I think we're all suffering from something that's right in front of us. That I'm not entirely sure that a lot of us realize. And a lot of this for me, I don't really know how to describe it, because it's just something I'm trying to figure out how to put into words. I think that we are in this moment of struggling with this culture of success through self destruction because In so many cases, I see so many stories I see on TV on social media, where we seem to be led to believe that success is something that needs to be achieved by any and all means, we need to do that on our own. We need to give up whatever we need to do to be successful, right? Like those robotic go getters, who are going to have all the answers. And the more that I look at this, the more that I think about the effect that it has on me, the more that I see the state of creativity right now, the more strongly I believe that this sort of likes destructive success, porn bullshit, has to stop. Because it's not real. It's not sustainable. You're not happy. I mean, I see these people were you know, and there are people I know who I know and who I talked to, and it's like, Yes, they are professionally successful. And they are on their third divorce and their kids don't talk to them and they've you know, leveraged everything they have to the hilt and it's not they're not happy. And I think at some point when many of them I've sat down and have these conversations about, you know, how much they've given up. And I, it's something I really am trying to take to heart, it's something I want to share more of my struggles about, I want to share more of the, you know, honestly what's going on with this stuff, and not just sort of put out this image that everything is great and wonderful all the time. And that you just go out and do it and own it and take it and do whatever you need to do to be successful. Because it's bullshit. And the other thing that I think I've started to realize as well is that for many of us, I think, especially if you want to help people, if you want to help what's going on in the industry, if you are a leader, or something like that, there's a concept that I'm sort of recently really starting to come to understand which is sort of the other end right. So instead of just doing it off yourself and giving up whatever you need to there's a danger at the other end as well. Is this symptom that's called compassion fatigue. And like I said, if you're somebody that tries to help other people, then you know, I think this support system that we're talking about in this episode becomes even more critical, because after a while, you start to suffer from this fatigue. And it means that you give so much to other people, it means that you were trying to help others out, it means that you're trying to work for the team, for the company for all these other things that you just put yourself second, to the point where it wears you out. All your energy is going out and you're getting almost none in return. And that really starts to rip you down. And I think it's, it's been an interesting journey for me, I think, because of the job that I'm in because of, and I'll be honest, even doing this podcast for me has been an exercise in compassion fatigue, because what I realized is, this helps a lot of people but for me, it's a one way conversation, right? I am sitting here by myself in my studio while the dogs are here. So I'm not truly by myself, but you know what I mean? But it's one of these things of me putting this energy out there of having this and a lot of people listening to it, consuming it, finding it helpful internalizing it, and feeling like I am talking to them, right. So it feels like, you know, there is a conversation happening for the audience. But for me, it's this sort of like, you just sort of put the energy out there. And especially in this way, when it's disconnected, I realized that's why even for me, I would be honest and saying, I like public speaking more because their faces in the audience, right? Because you can see the reaction people can come to you afterwards. There's an interaction. That just doesn't happen in this medium. But I think a lot of it for me is I've also been thinking through this has also really been coming to grips with the fact that and I think I understood this as a leader but I am not sure I necessarily understood it or internalized it in the right way as a person that we Are our own biggest blind spot, right? We're also good at giving advice to other people, and pinpointing where they can grow and where they need help but but damn if none of that works, you know, whenever it comes to us, and that's why I said, we are our own biggest blind spot because of cognitive bias and insecurity and a lot of the things that we've talked about, really keep us from seeing the truth and the honest version of ourselves. Because again, there's a whole nother dialogue. There's a whole that we the way that we interpret the world that everybody else just sees who we are and the way that that's presented. I think this is why we need a support system, all of these sort of reasons, because we need people who are going to tell us the truth, we need people who are going to pick us up we need people who are going to help us have some perspective, which I think honestly that perspective may be one of the greatest superpowers of all whenever it comes to creativity. And like I said, you know, this is this is one of those word I feel like I need to be honest here as well because you know, I think that you know the the episodes that I do are often because there are they come out of conversations I've had with people and I'm like damn that I like that advice I'll write that down make it on an episode or because it's something that I am just sort of struggling with and and lately it's been interesting I've done a series of interviews and podcasts and and some of these things and you know i i don't know i find myself in this weird situation because people seem to put me on this pedestal I think I'm special or like they use really freakin weird words to me like celebrity or like whatever these things are that whenever I hear them I'll be honest they make me shudder and laugh and I think lately even more determined to completely rip that image apart. And you don't look I've spoken on the show before about you know, this last year is probably been one of the heart So my career, I think it was professionally rewarding. But that took a toll. It was a rebuilding year after losing my team with candidly no warning or real explanation. For the first time in my life, I am finding myself in an individual contributor role, which was not of my choosing and is incredibly strange to me. And I think that is compounded by working for a company that is completely remote. So I think I am feeling more walled off and like, honestly, probably even rudderless for the first time in my career. And you know, look, I think what all of these professional experiences have, they've taught me a lot, right. But it comes at a cost. And I think this is the stuff that we don't talk about, yes, I get to go work for these companies. Yes, I get to be on the road. But yes, that also means I'm away from home, I'm away from my family. I'm away from my friends for a huge amount of time. And that means that I'm away from the day to day support system that a lot of people need. It means that I get to teach and influence a lot of People but I get to lead none of them. And I think you know, many cases I find myself fighting with feeling like how am I going to still be relevant in the years to come? What is my future in this industry? And I think all of this is in a place where, you know, this episode has come because I'm in a place of feeling frustrated and isolated, and knowing that something needs to change, right. And I think, you know, my, my biggest mistake in this is having gone through it alone, having gone through it silently, because in some ways, I will most days candidly feel trapped by the image that I've created. Right? Because, you know, it is difficult whenever people want to look at you as knowing something or being an expert or being an advisor or like whatever the hell that is to then turn around and to say, I have problems it is a duality that we often don't allow to exist right. And I think also just candidly, nobody wants to hear you complain that you got to like travel the world and like they have a job that they think is a dream and You're sort of feeling like, this isn't, you know, making you happier doing it for you. And and I think you know, interesting I've even done small experiments lately of even saying that if I'm having a bad day on social media the overreaction makes that makes any conversation about that basically impossible because either people will tell you to suck it up, or you get this sort of, like, overly I don't know what it's like, you can be frustrated and still be okay. And, you know, that is strange. It's strange for me to feel disconnected from a team and, and you know, I've been lost about where to start and how to reach out to get some help, and I become disconnected from my support system. Right. And so that's why for me, I think the other thing has been in a lot of conversations, I've had to see how many other people are going through this as well. A lot of this comes from the things that we've talked about, right? There's all these forces that make you it difficult for me and for us to take care of ourselves or to know how to ask for help or to figure out the way forward because, again, what we do is so different it is unscripted, it is not something that tends to have a clear line. But it's interesting because in a recent discussion I had with Aaron Walter, who's someone who also works at envision, he said something that I found really, really fascinating. And I think, maybe starting to put a little bit of all of this into perspective about what's really going on. And that's that, you know, our work and our lives, really, as we go through time create this mental and emotional debt, right. It's a weight that I think we all carry, which is why we need a support system. Now, I think the debt really probably comes in a few different versions or a few different flavors, however you want to think about it. I think the first one is It's the debt that we build up for the company we work for, right? It's this, it's this institutional debt. It's the, it's the fact that our perspective changes. narrows, is affected by our experience at that company with these people with this team. It's affected by the success and failures. But in many cases, I think it tends to narrow our focus. It's why in many cases, whenever you start a new job, you can see all the possibilities. It's why you feel so energized. It's why anything feels like it's possible. And yet, you know, then, weeks, months, years later, that same breadth of perspective, tends to have narrowed it and it's that same depth of energy isn't quite what it is. And if we can't relieve this debt, if we can't broaden the focus, then I think it builds up to the point where it blinds us, it crushes us we'd no longer see the possibilities, or feel the energy or the you know, the way forward that we would see if we were new. I think it's in many cases This institutional debt This is why companies hire agencies to come in to bring a quote unquote fresh perspective, because they're not carrying this institutional debt. And this sort of narrow view that has built up over time by the people who have worked there. And I think that especially for creatives, we try to work very hard to shed this debt to be the inside outsider, right to be the one that has a broader view. But that doesn't always work. I think we carry around emotional debt, this is our insecurities, right? The more you are responsible for the more you worry and stress and doubt yourself, and the more that tends to build up and again, whenever that happens, the more insecurity grows, and I think the more we can tend to shut ourselves off. And I think we also carry professional debt. And this is this is the strengths and weaknesses of our career and our skills. You know, the world is changing, technology is changing, you know, these things are changing and in some cases, again, our ability to stay up to date, our ability to stay relevant, you know, is something that becomes extremely important if this debt builds up too much. And and I think you'll tend to see this in some people where they just decide that they no longer want to adapt. They no want no longer want to move or grow in the way that the industry has and the way the technology has. And they sort of become frozen in time. And their relevance as a career and their relevance as a skill set will start to fade. Because these are all the debts that we have to pay. We have to pay the institutional debt to try to keep this broad focus to be able to continue to innovate and be creative. We have to pay this emotional debt to keep ourselves in a place where we're able to create and we have to pay this professional debt so that our skills remain relevant. And that's a lot of weight and a lot of debt to carry around. Because I think that the the buildup of this is what can cause the problems, the isolation, the stress Less worrying about your career and those sorts of things where it's just a lot to have to deal with. But I mean, look, we've now spent 20 minutes talking about the problems, right, talking about the reasons. And it feels like a good time to then transition into, Okay, great, we understand the problem. And hopefully, I mean, maybe have a new understanding of why we need to be more diligent about creating a support system, because there are all these things that are kind of pressing in on us. And I think from there, you know, what does a good support system have? Why do we need it What, what are the things that we are often missing in which is why we need help? Why do we need other people because this is the duality of creativity I think, because in many cases, you know, we like to work alone. We like to be introspective. We like to do these sorts of things and to be thoughtful, but then again, we also love to work with other people. And we'd love to be creative with them. But it's it's whenever it comes to problems and emotions, that these are those sort of things that that become important. And I think the first thing that that we need or that you need out of a really good support system is accountability. Because your support system needs to be made up of people who are going to tell you the truth, who will call your bluff whenever they need it, who are going to give you honest feedback without getting angry, and to help us stay or get back on track, right? Because with no one holding you accountable, progress is going to be difficult, if not damn near impossible. And this is because without people who know us and who will tell us the truth, you can start to justify your behavior. You can start to spin the truth you can start to do these things trying to make you feel better, instead of getting to the heart of the problem, right because we're all so good at rationalizing In these things, we're also good at convincing ourselves this is what coping mechanisms are this is what a lot of these things are, is our ability to convince ourselves why we don't need to take on that problem, why we, you know, can look the other way. But this is the thing that I've seen time and time again, as you go on through your career, your talent is only going to take you so far. And whenever you reach a certain point, you're going to just be left with the issues, the challenges, the struggles, that are the things you don't like, they're the strings, you don't want to look at maybe the things you don't know how to deal with. And I think accountability has been shown to work in so many different ways, right? accountability, whenever it comes to dieting, to exercise to addiction, to mental health, do all these sorts of things, being accountable to other people, you know, really becomes important because that's the thing. It's easy for you to disappoint yourself. It's easy for you to rationalize why. You know what, maybe that wasn't the really the thing that I should have done, but it's incredibly hard to disappoint somebody else. If you commit to them if there's accountability in that support system, if you are saying, and you were to hold each other accountable and tell each other the truth, like I said, For me a support system is not a people, a bunch of people get around and gossip. It's not a bunch of people, you know, who want to tell you that whatever you're doing is right all the time, right? Like, no, no, you're, you're so misunderstood. They're the asshole. You don't look sometimes maybe they are. But I think the ability to hold you accountable and to you know, make you to be able to do that to push you to be better that idea of like steel sharpens steel, that's what you need. But, but more than accountability, right? I think you need a support system that includes a group of people who can relate to your circumstances and your experiences. I've been trying to figure out like, what what's the right word for this? And I don't I haven't been the closest I've been able to get is this sort of like, because friendship isn't right, right, because friendship is somebody again, who's probably just gonna tell you what you want to hear. I think something that is more around like fellowship, because fellowship simply means Gathering with people who share similar beliefs, thoughts and experiences, like to you and do it to help improve each other? Right? Because if you think about, I don't know what if you think about it in fantasy storytelling, if you think about it in those other sort of ways, it's about people who come together to make each other better. And I found that I like to have honestly sort of a variety of people in my support system and that, you know, look, I like some people who do exactly what I do. Alright, because then we can dig into specific problems. We can talk about the industry, I can get alternative approaches and views but I think the danger there is that you just focus on on really, maybe not even on you don't really focus on progress, you tend to focus a bit more on just complaining. And I think that's why that can be difficult because if it's kind of like yeah, you know, people do this and that's crazy. Yeah, it's the empathy is good commiseration is fine. But again, if you're trying to make progress against that, then That's okay. But I think for me, the biggest, and the best part of my support system tend to come from the people who do completely different things from me. So they are not in digital, or they are not designers in like, you know, the advertising, marketing, branding sense of the world. But these are people that share the creative condition at a very high level. These are people like photographers, or tattoo artists, or street artists or chefs who are successful so that again, we can talk about what it is like to lead people, we can talk about what it's like to create, but this is not going into the weeds of the details, because the executional pieces are different. And we're gonna get to in just a little bit more in a minute about how do you sort of break this out, but I think, you know, the point is, how do you gather together these sort of like minded individuals who trust I'm gonna be honest and offer understanding and encouragement to be able to do this stuff for you. I think a healthy support system also needs to include resources, they can offer you information about what you're going through. Because the more knowledge you have, the better you can deal with your problems. The trick that I've found is to seek out people who have been through what it is you're going through, and then ask them for real insider advice. Because I think like I said, too many of us just seek out friends who I like, give us the ability to commiserate, but very few tools and advice that we can really use this sort of education, this sort of study this sort of real, practical experience, right? Like that's the ammunition that can help you defend from the things that are going to try to stop you from improving. If you know, your triggers, your resources, these sort of outlets, and you'd be well armed to figure out how do you move forward. So seeking out that sort of education and people who've been there and done that becomes super important. But the other part of this and I think I've sort of alluded this to it in a few different places, is that like, Look, a really good support system needs to have a purpose. Right? What What is the reason why you need it? Maybe it's me. Because there's something you've been struggling with, maybe it's because you want to become a better boss or a better coworker, maybe you want to complete a job or a project. But that's the thing, right? Everything has a purpose in life and finding your purpose will enable you to stay focused and give you a reason to keep working to keep getting this support system together, keep to keep doing these things. Because if not, then it tends to be everybody sitting around, just sort of bullshitting. And this is what I in many cases, I think, to go back to this constant line of dialogue that I've had about the importance to build your brand to understand who you are to understand what your purpose is of what you want to, to work on and build on. Because I think purpose directs you to make positive change. It helps you get to your goals. I think it's that guide or that compass, when your life and what is going on becomes unclear. And I think when this happens, you know it helps you be able to get centered again, because I think in many cases that where I'm at, because I think this is where I've failed, is that I think I've lost? What do I want my purpose to be? I'm in a place where I don't I don't know what I want the next job to be I don't again, I really love doing this and helping people but you know what, what is my purpose in this? How do I want to keep growing? What do I want to keep doing and whenever you become rudderless, like that, then that's where I think you really start to feel struggling you and you start to, you know, not be sure what to do. So if you're in that moment, what do you do, right, like, Well, where do we start with this? Where do we try to figure out how to be able to build this back up and to make this successful? And I think the first thing for me is like, you need to get clear on what you want and to set some goals. Take some time to think about what it is you need help with. Do you want to mentor where the experience or appear to be able to kind of help you keep you in moving forward against something in particular? Do you want perspective on a personal or like an emotional problem? But I think you need to ask yourself, what kind of support Are you looking for from your support system, and if you don't understand what the goals of it are, because in many cases, I think the other thing that you're going to need to be able to do here is, and we'll talk about this more in a minute, you're going to actually be able to tell people what sort of help it is you're looking for. I think it's, it's not oddly not that different than whenever you run a critique session or for your team. You need to tell people what's the sort of feedback you're looking for. If I'm walking into a design critique, and and they're, you know, about to finish a project, I'm giving them big conceptual work, that feedback is useless, very much the same. If they're just sort of trying to find the direction of it. I'm giving them very specific executional feedback. Then again, the feedback is useless. So feedback on its own void of contexts and devoid of a goal and a point isn't really that useful. But I think a lot of it is also then to think about and to really be deliberate to look at, what are the resources that you have available, because in many cases, I think you probably have more than you realize. And I think it's good to have a few different types. Because as we think about this, I think, you know, you want to be able to put it into three buckets. And in some cases, maybe a person can occupy all three buckets. In some cases, depending on who the people are, maybe these need to be three separate people. The first one I think you need is I need you need to be able to get these mental supporters and these are people who you can talk to that are going to keep your head right there to keep you in a good place that are going to try to give you positivity, give you some of that energy back, and to be the people who are going to push you to be more to be able to try to build you up, pick you up, and to be able to be those people who can be your cheerleaders, right? We need these sort of people who are going to be Be that kind of mental supporter. I think we need the mentor or we need the coach. And this is somebody who's going to help guide us to give us professional advice, and very specific feedback about what we're going through. Because that's the thing like you, on the one hand, the mental disorders, that people are going to take care of your motivation of your mindset, to keep you in a place where you feel like you can do this, you want to do this, they will push you to keep working on it. The coach or the mentor is somebody that again, they're going to be giving you the roadmap, they're going to give you the experience, they're going to be the ones who are going to try to them how do you take that will and shape it into action to shape it into progress. And then whenever you start to have that progress, and you start to have those goals, then I think the third thing you need is you need those accountability buddies, right? The accountability people, the ones that you're going to share your goals with, and they're going to hold you accountable to them, so that you're sure that it's something that you will actually follow through on because that's the one thing that I've learned right is that unfulfilled inspiration turns into frustration. Light Click. But as you go through, and as you have these three types of people in your system, you need to tell them how they can help, right? Because if you want something from someone, it is good to be specific. And because if you're not, you're probably not going to get what it is that you want. And I think the same goes for support. Right? asking specifically for what you want from someone else. This requires you to think through what would be helpful before you have that conversation. You know, because again, I think with the metal supporters, it can be Look, I'm not feeling very good. Like, can we just talk this through, I'm trying to figure out the problem is I need a perspective. I think if you want to have a successful mentoring or coaching relationship, and I've done a whole episode on this, it needs to be a mutual value exchange, you both need to be specific about what you want out of this. And for the accountability, that again, these are the goals, these are the things I'm working on. This is the sort of feedback that I'm looking for. This is how I want you to hold me accountable. This is amount of time I want you to do it in this is how often we're going to check in to be very specific because again, you have to remember that these are also people who have their own lives. They have their own problems, they have their own shit that they are dealing with. And they're stepping up to help you. So make it as easy as you can be as specific as you can. And I think also as you go through this, be as patient as you can, with them, and with yourself. Most people are awkward and intimidating, you know what and intimidated whenever it's time to make a change. And I think that because of that we need to be patient with ourselves, we need to know that this is going to take time that this is something that is going to be a process just like anything else. But like I said, these are also people who are going through their own things and we need to be patient with them as well because You know what, even in many cases, you're gonna find people who want to be supportive. But maybe they don't have the skills yet to really understand how to help, maybe it's gonna take a little bit of time to be able to get that dialed in, because like I said, just like you, they're gonna need some time and some guidance to be able to get it right. But in many cases, though, it is then the responsibility of both sides, because support systems are only effective if you use them because you've asked for help. And if you're that person that someone has reached out to to be a part of their support system, then you need to respect that right? That if somebody calls, emails, texts, whatever it is, that you need to support them, or at the very least to respond to them, right? And because sometimes it's easy, right? You've got time we're gonna sit down, we can go to lunch, we can do whatever it is. But other times it can be really, really hard. Maybe you're not in a good mental health space. You don't have the energy. And I think you know, the more you can push yourself as the person who needs the support or is the person who has Pointing someone else to stay connected, the more benefit you get from it, right? Because I think it's one of those things where like, you know, look, what do you do if you're having a bad day, and you just can't bear to talk to anybody. The thing that I tried to do in in supporting those people is, you know, look, I am going to try to text them, email them, call them back or something and just say, hey, like, Look, thanks for reaching out. I can I just haven't told tomorrow morning, like, I need a day just to get my thoughts together. But I swear to God, like I promise you can we just talk about this tomorrow? Because I'm not in a place to be able to offer that support. I'm not in a place where I feel like I'm going to do them any good. And I think again, in both sides, you need to understand that that's going to be the case that somebody isn't always a sort of, like on demand resource. People are people. But I think the thing you can't do is like you can't avoid it. You can't disappear. You can't you know, fail to respond whenever people are reaching out because then that's only going to make everybody feel worse. And I think that's one of those things that You know really can become challenging. It's like I said, we all are going through our own issues. But I think in many cases, it The thing that I found is that the one way support system of me going to people asking for their help very quickly turns into a two way support system. That the times whenever they're struggling The Times whenever they need advice, for me to be able to help them feels really good for me to be able to help them for us to be able to help each other to lean on each other, to have a team or a group or like whatever that is, I think, becomes something that works really well. And I think that's, that's where I've been guilty. Because that's where I've let that slip. That's why I haven't been I've been so caught up in helping everybody else in helping, you know, the people that I come in and visit with and coach and do stuff like that, that I first got to help the people who really needed me actually Forgot to help myself. And that in that sort of two way thing, that's what got lost. And so I think that's the thing that I'm in the process of doing is going back and rebuilding that and, and reconnecting with that. And then in many cases, for me, there are times whenever I've sort of realized through coaching and through a lot of other things, that sometimes if it's hard, sometimes if it doesn't come naturally, the best thing to do is to use structure until it becomes more natural. And by structure I mean scheduled time, every week, every two weeks every month, to get the that group together, to have lunch with somebody to do something to check in, to get advice to, to do whatever it is, but to stay connected, because that's the thing is the forces all these sorts of reasons that happen. Make it so easy for us to get pull apart and and to sort of lose touch with these things. But again, until you're able to get that muscle back mentally, emotionally, whatever it is, is that ability of using process and structure To be able to help you relearn, it becomes incredibly powerful. But that's the thing right is at the end of the day support systems only work if you use them. And in a world where I think people increasingly feel isolated by social media, where the pressures of our job and a lot of these other things, don't make it easy. I think this now brings me to the part where I want to try something new. Because after three and a half years, I feel like there's been a pretty robust and fairly sizable community listens to this show. And, you know, for me, I feel like there's tremendous potential that is honestly probably going untapped in that. So what I want to try to do is try to create more of a community where we can help each other. So what I'm gonna do is that every month I'm going to do I want to connect with people. And I think I'm going to try a few different ways to see how this is going to work. The first one actually starts tomorrow, where I'm gonna do a live stream on YouTube, just to be able to do and ask me anything to be able to see how does That work, I want to maybe try like, you know, what if we instead of just sort of doing an Ask me anything, because that may be too broad for people, what if every month we picked a subject, right? Like maybe we all voted on it and said, This is what we want to talk about, and maybe do it in smaller groups and do it over zoom where we can come together and talk about this stuff, where we can be able to come together to help share experiences and help each other. Because that's the thing that I found is that we don't tend to share what it is we're going through a lot of us are going through very similar things yet we feel very isolated, we're not sure how to help. So I think this is a moment to maybe try to change some of that. So I mean, just keep an eye on my social media because like I said, this is something I'm gonna start doing more regularly. I'm gonna play around with the format to figure out what works. If this is something you want to be a part of if this is something that you think is a good idea, Bad idea if there's something that you've tried that worked really well, I want to hear from you. Because like I said, I think for me, it's it's not having this be the one way conversation anymore because I think that's a mistake that I've been made. It has been making that a little bit too much and much in the same way have I seen leaders make this mistake and and I realize had done the same damn thing where so often they'll say, Well hey, my doors always open. Alright you have a problem Come on in my doors always open with a problem is whenever you walk through that door, most of the time it's too late. Right? The frustration has built to a breaking point something is really wrong. And that's not the way you lead you lead by being out there you lead by talking to people you lead by engaging you lead by actually being a part of what is going on, as opposed to just sort of like sitting back on high and saying, oh, whenever you have a problem, come find me, right. And so that's why I think I want to change this up a little bit this year. I want to take a new approach to this new year to be able to make this more of a conversation to try to engage more. And like I said, I've been very open about that partially for me, right, I need to fix some of the stuff that I'm doing. I want to change up what I'm doing have a better plan for being able to engage with this stuff. But again, I want to be able to create forums for us to be able to help each other. And so that's like I said, if that's something that is of interest, If you have thoughts or anything like that reach out because this is these are experiments I'm going to try to do and as we start to settle on what works, hopefully try to do them more often. But, yeah, let me know where your head's out on this. And so hopefully this all made some sense, I think, hopefully, you know, you're able to think about and reflect on the people that are around you, the ones that are really there that that can fall into Who are those metal supporters? Maybe they're at work, maybe they're outside of work, that coach or that mentor, have you sought one out, to help somebody who's gonna keep driving you forward? Are you having people who are holding you accountable, so that you feel like you have some support in what's going on with all this? Because that's why I said creativity is such a cruel, you know, relationship sometimes. Because it is the possibility and the excitement of the new but sometimes it is the process that we have to go through to get there that can become so challenging. So I don't know what it feels. I just feel it gonna skip the usual stick on the end of this, like, you know the site to go to, you know, to subscribe, you know, to leave a review follow me on social media. You know, as I said, as I think, you know, these these are always just kind of my own opinions. Hopefully they make some sense to people. And yeah, I look forward to talking to all of you hopefully, and have a real conversation soon and as we do it stay crazy